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It's been 8+ years and I'm still not over somebody

We met around March of 2012 and had sex for the first time the following month. Even though it only lasted about a year, just the mere thought of this person reduces me to a blubbering mess.

I'm an utter lunatic and fucked-up beyond repair, aren't I?

by Anonymousreply 79Last Thursday at 12:14 PM

If you want to be over it and you're having trouble, try therapy. DL is sure to condemn you and unless you're a masochist it's probably not going to help.

If you don't want to be over it, and there's no chance of getting back together, I'll be happy to join in the condemnation.

by Anonymousreply 109/23/2020

Yes you are. Sign up at

by Anonymousreply 209/23/2020

I expect you've endowed that person with too much, OP.

by Anonymousreply 309/23/2020

OP, snap out of it!

by Anonymousreply 409/23/2020

There are things you can do to mitigate the situation, OP.

by Anonymousreply 509/23/2020

Your retrospective thinking is allowing you to see only the good in that person.

Think of the annoying crap, remember that stuff. Don't dwell on only the good. That is what is making you stuck.

by Anonymousreply 609/23/2020

How did I get over my abusive ex in whom I'd invested for ten years? I realized that all the qualities with which I had endowed him were actually my own qualities that I wasn't living. So I became more self-loving, more arrogant (I had it in me), more mysterious, more outspoken, and stronger. And I stopped looking for guys with those attributes. It helped. I still love the bastard but it is all in the past and I found someone else.

As soon as you let go of the ex, someone will come into your life who is better for you.

by Anonymousreply 709/23/2020

[Quote] I realized that all the qualities with which I had endowed him were actually my own qualities that I wasn't living.

Great realization.

by Anonymousreply 809/23/2020

[quote]It's been 8+ years and I'm still not over somebody

It's a shame to be so senile that you are devastated over a person you refer to as "somebody."

But that's what dementia does, dear. Surely you've had other orderlies help you to the toilet since then.

by Anonymousreply 909/23/2020

R9 lol if you're gonna do the DL bitchery thing, you have to try a little harder than that. I'm 29 btw

by Anonymousreply 1009/23/2020

Damn that must've been some good dick to still be dickmatized all these years later

by Anonymousreply 1109/23/2020

What's your relationship like with your parents?

by Anonymousreply 1209/23/2020

[quote] It's been 8+ years and I'm still not over somebody

[quote] Even though it only lasted about a year, just the mere thought of this person reduces me to a blubbering mess.

OP, you say you are now 29. That means you were 21 when you were with this person. I'm guessing he / she was your first "true love" (your heart got imprinted for the first time). Sometimes, you simply don't ever get over a person, but you move on.

You should not be a "blubbering mess," though. Get professional help.

by Anonymousreply 1309/23/2020

Serious question: are there meds that help with emotional regulation?

by Anonymousreply 1409/23/2020

Have you tried a wank?

by Anonymousreply 1509/23/2020

OP, are you going to tell us what it is that you miss so much about this person in particular, to help us determine what void they have left your soul?

by Anonymousreply 1609/23/2020

At the supermarket, I can't pass a cucumber without thinking of him.

by Anonymousreply 1709/23/2020

How old are you?

by Anonymousreply 1809/23/2020

[quote] At the supermarket, I can't pass a cucumber without thinking of him.

Well, that explains it.

by Anonymousreply 1909/23/2020

OP, you say you were in a relationship with this person for a year. So what happened? What broke it up? And were you actual boyfriends or just FWBs?

by Anonymousreply 2009/23/2020

R7 nailed it. I spent years moping over someone who wouldn't do shit for me. It took my dad getting ill and dying to wise to me up. A year after my dad died I met my now husband who is my very best friend and soulmate. Life is too precious to give your yourself to somehow who doesn't want you. Harsh but true.

by Anonymousreply 2109/23/2020

OP, are you a straight woman? I'm very wary of these relationship threads when it's not clear who's involved. Don't want to waste my time only to find out Sophia is obsessed with her psychological abuser.

by Anonymousreply 2209/23/2020

OP, it took me a while to shake someone from my system. It was the first guy I'd fallen very seriously in love with, and he was like a drug.

What I realized is that

(a) He had a lot of power over my feelings because he was the first person I ever felt that way about, and the first that really seemed to see me.

(b) I ultimately understood that I didn't really love him. I loved the sex and I liked the way he made me feel, but HE wasn't right for what I wanted, and I had to pretend to be someone else in order to stay sane around him, which after several wasted years became too much for me.

Good luck. And therapy isn't a bad idea if you can swing it. It doesn't mean you're sick....but a good therapist can help you understand your needs and how not to make bad decisions.

by Anonymousreply 2309/23/2020

Maybe it was just the age you were when it happened. I spent years pining away after the love of my life dumped me at age 22. Then he showed up years later wanting me back. I was thrilled until it dawned on me that in the interim he had become a full-fledged alcoholic and I was now making enough money to support him. To hell with that.

by Anonymousreply 2409/23/2020

[Quote] only to find out Sophia is obsessed with her psychological abuser.

Picture it: Sicily...

by Anonymousreply 2509/23/2020

I barely even remember who I was in love with at 21. I'm only 38, which I realize is ancient to some people.

by Anonymousreply 2609/23/2020

This is a long distance dedication from OP to the one that got away...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 2709/23/2020

R17 is NOT me

by Anonymousreply 2809/23/2020

Further, forget about cucumbers, r17. I can't pass a traffic cone without thinking of him.

by Anonymousreply 2909/23/2020

[quote]OP, you say you were in a relationship with this person for a year. So what happened? What broke it up? And were you actual boyfriends or just FWBs?

Started off as FWBs, then fell in love.

I know that this is going to evaporate all sympathy for me, but it ended when I cheated.

The absolute worst mistake I've ever made and one I'll probably regret for the rest of my life.

by Anonymousreply 3009/23/2020

^R30 is OP

by Anonymousreply 3109/23/2020

You're exhausting.

by Anonymousreply 3209/23/2020

R32 is OP

by Anonymousreply 3309/23/2020

R28 is not OP

by Anonymousreply 3409/23/2020

OP I guess you are only looking for people to commiserate with you because you haven't provided any details about why the relationship ended.

by Anonymousreply 3509/23/2020

OP, I think we dated the same cucumber.

by Anonymousreply 3609/23/2020

This is OP and I've just heard a bumpin track for the first time that speaks to me exactly at this moment. It goes a little sumpin like this....

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 3709/23/2020

R20 asked the right question. Sounds as if OP didn't have closure. You are daring, you can try to talk to the guy if you know where he is and his circumstances and express your regrets. He'll likely be surprised, show politeness, but act distant, and not converse very long. But frankly, 8 years is a long time, and chances are quite low to rekindle a relationship. After 8 weeks, it's worth a try, perhaps; after 8 months, he's probably lost all interest in you has moved-on. 8 years? You are just a conflicted memory.

by Anonymousreply 3809/23/2020

No, OP; you're not fucked up beyond repair. You believe you're fucked up beyond repair. Change that belief. And don't for one instant think this will be an easy task. It'll bust your balls.

by Anonymousreply 3909/23/2020

It’s best not to linger over regrets. We all have them. (Even Edith Piaf, lying bitch). Learn lessons, but don’t dwell on the past.

by Anonymousreply 4009/23/2020

R35 see R30.

by Anonymousreply 4109/23/2020

OP? Read "The City and the Pillar."

That'll cure ya.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 4209/23/2020

OP is a straight hag. Who cares about this? Nobody on this Gay forum

by Anonymousreply 4309/23/2020

OP, I went through something similar. I was heartbroken when he left me for a different/better job in another city and didn't want me with him. I tried to move on but he lingered on my mind. He came back into my life over TWENTY years later (we were in our 40s by then) and it all went sideways. He declared his total love for me, that he'd been keeping track of me all these years (?). At first it was very flattering but then I realized he was crazy. His newfound obsession with me turned into internet stalking. I was grateful he lived out of state but was frightened he'd come looking for me. PLEASE don't waste time with this guy. I came to realize that he was now obsessed with me because he had worked his way through everyone else.

by Anonymousreply 4409/23/2020

OP/R10, mental deficiency knows no age limit.

As you demonstrate.

At least we can be glad one of the two of the ill-fated couple got out in time.

Obviously YOU'RE the one who needs to try harder, you weepy loser.

by Anonymousreply 4509/23/2020

People who cannot get "over" someone have narcissistic tendencies. They cannot get over someone because they cannot believe they could choose someone else over them, or how fantastic they were together. It's not that they are not over their ex, it's that their own egos cannot process that someone would want to leave them. Once you realize that you can move on to the next victim you will boo hoo over.

by Anonymousreply 4609/23/2020

R45 you getting all upset over the fact that you're completely unoriginal and unfunny (and can't come up with clever, bitchy jokes for shit) actually makes me the SECOND most pathetic person here.

So I thank you for that.

by Anonymousreply 4709/23/2020

[quote] I know that this is going to evaporate all sympathy for me, but it ended when I cheated.

OP, now that you clarified that (which is good), I hope you're not going to ever try getting back together with this person. (At least not taking the initiative.) I'm guessing that your ex broke up with you (your ex made the decision to break up).

I've broken up with a couple of guys who've cheated on me. These exes have come back to me, crying, trying to make *themselves* feel better. I'm a very nurturing and comforting person, so, they were seeking that.

When someone keeps trying to come back into your life, you lose respect for that person.

by Anonymousreply 4809/23/2020

R46 is a brain-dead ghoster. No, dahlink, everyone else does not secretly share your narcissism.

by Anonymousreply 4909/23/2020

OP, how are you doing?

by Anonymousreply 5010/16/2020

OP's angst is the source of much great artistic literature, music, etc. Nothing wrong with these feelings if one can use them for good.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 5110/16/2020

Therapists say that a lot of people come to them after a breakup/being left because breakups are usually just a trigger that make old issues resurface (abandonment issues, jealousy, betrayal etc). OP, see if there might be anything painful that your breakup might have unearthed. You'll realize it's not about the guy at all and will be able to get past it.

by Anonymousreply 5210/16/2020

You’re ex might be dead OP.

by Anonymousreply 5310/16/2020


by Anonymousreply 5410/16/2020

[quote] People who cannot get "over" someone have narcissistic tendencies. [quote]

Fucking bullshit.

[quote] breakups are usually just a trigger that make old issues resurface (abandonment issues [quote]

^^^ This ^^^

[quote] What's your relationship like with your parents? [quote]

This is a significant question. Have you heard of "attachment wounds" ever? It has to do with a disruption in the parent/child bond. Only I'm very curious if you were abandoned or neglected by one or both parents as a child. Here are some statistics: Estimates suggest roughly 50 percent of the population is secure in their attachment style. Another 20 percent has what is called an "anxious" attachment style, 25 percent is "avoidant," and 5 percent is "fearful."

It's also curious that you cheated. That could mean that you have commitment issues, or needed reassurance of your desirability or worth beyond what you were getting in the relationship. Do you resonate with one of the insecure attachment styles above?

Finally, it is sometimes easier to idealize and pine for someone from the past than to create something new in the present. It also speaks to a sense of hopelessness you may have either about your worth or your chances of finding love in the future.

Please let us know if any of this rings a bell. I'm curious! It might help you find clarity, too.

by Anonymousreply 5510/16/2020

ps Sorry my post is so messy with the extra [quote] at the end of the quotes! I got mixed up there.

by Anonymousreply 5610/16/2020

Get over your cheap self OP.

by Anonymousreply 5710/16/2020

R55 I'm not OP but your post made great sense to me and my similar circumstance. Thank you.

by Anonymousreply 5810/17/2020

I can relate, OP.

by Anonymousreply 5910/17/2020

OP, how are you doing? Are you feeling better or the same? Did you receive any advice you can share with others who are going through similar heartache?

by Anonymousreply 6010/23/2020

No other relatives or friends around for you to cling on to them, fat ho OP?

by Anonymousreply 6110/23/2020

R61 A grease fire awaits you. Stay awake.

by Anonymousreply 6210/23/2020

R60 another empathetic fat ho incel? Comfort OP for us please as we don't want to get near her claws.

by Anonymousreply 6310/23/2020

R63 Please just ignore this thread. It seems to trigger something hateful inside you. There's nothing snarky or clever in your posts - only hate.

by Anonymousreply 6410/23/2020

R44 = humble-bragging

He left you but now he's been stalking you all these years? You are nobody without a stalker.

by Anonymousreply 6510/23/2020

OP, we haven't heard from you. Did you finally get over your 'somebody' or just gave up on DL?

by Anonymousreply 66Last Wednesday at 6:15 AM

You cheated. Sorry. Bye 👋

by Anonymousreply 67Last Wednesday at 6:37 AM

[quote]You should not be a "blubbering mess," though. Get professional help.

OP here. I'm currently working with a (straight, female) psychotherapist who I like a lot, but when it comes to relationship issues, I would feel more comfortable with a therapist who's also a gay male. And sadly I'm in a flyover state which would probably make finding one more difficult.

by Anonymousreply 68Last Wednesday at 9:38 PM

Sometimes it’s not so much the person you miss, but the way that person made you feel. The song “Love is the Drug” comes to mind. You want the high that you felt then, the way their chemistry mixed with yours and you felt like you could climb a mountain. So, I’d guess maybe you don’t want that person as much as you want to feel that happy again. I try to remind myself of this when similar feelings about a long ago ex come to mind.

by Anonymousreply 69Last Wednesday at 10:20 PM

Where is your ex now OP?

by Anonymousreply 70Last Thursday at 8:13 AM

Less than a month after our relationship ended, my ex immediately started dating a black guy who was older and had multiple sclerosis.

The new bf was everything I wasn't—mature, confident, lots of friends, fully out with a large and supportive parents and family, college educated, fun life, involved in community activism such as homeless LGBT youth coalition and MS awareness, etc.

After my ex and I broke up, he was still communicating with me and would often contact me to complain about how his bf doesn't fuck him often/well enough, and how the sex life we had was much better. He also told me that he forgave me for cheating and that he wanted to break up with his black bf and get back with me.

It turned out all of it was just a ruse to use me for sex, and he never intended to leave the bf.

He ended up cheating on his boyfriend with me, and after months of waiting for him to leave his relationship (to no avail) I melted down and angrily threatened to reveal everything to his bf. This made my ex decide to just tell his bf himself.

After this the black bf sent me angry text messages calling me a white slut, whore and white pussy. They stayed together and both of them changed their numbers, meaning my ex cut off all contact with me.

They got married a few years into the relationship but it ended up being VERY brief (a year-and-a-half at most, I believe).

As far as I'm aware, my ex is still single and living in the area.

Yes, I'm a pathetic fuck and got all of this information from stalking their Facebook profiles.

by Anonymousreply 71Last Thursday at 8:59 AM

r69 resonates with sagacity.

by Anonymousreply 72Last Thursday at 9:05 AM

Do you still have friends in common? Try to befriend him again OP. Maybe he’s still an asshole and that will bring you back to reality that it will never work between you two. Or maybe he’s changed and a better person.

by Anonymousreply 73Last Thursday at 10:00 AM

OP, you're not very good at this. Don't you know how to properly stalk a guy so that you can plan a "chance" meeting? One in which you look fabulous btw.

This was my specialty when I was young.

by Anonymousreply 74Last Thursday at 11:37 AM

These are trying times for everyone, stop with the whinging.

by Anonymousreply 75Last Thursday at 11:44 AM

Serendipitous this came up.

Turns out I am expected to spend the week of Xmas this year with someone I was infatuated with about eight years ago - and I mean the type of crush where you think about the person 24/7, even dreaming about them. In the interim years since I caught feelings I have learned that this person is awful, a liar and a covert narcissist/misogynist as well as a control freak (including psycho freakouts, eating disorders, etc.). He abused the hospitality of my family a few times in the past without apology or amends, and since has done nothing to ameliorate his failings. He has also tried to abuse me verbally a couple of times, unprovoked.

Fortunately for me, I never had a relationship with them, and to my great relief they more or less left my immediate circle and my life all those years ago. I thought that was it, done and dusted, thank you next.

Or, so I thought. Thanks to COVID scuppering their plans to waltz off to Greece or the Maldives or Dubai for the holidays like they usually do, this person is possibly infiltrating my family circle again (on a thoughtless but innocuous invitation from my mother, who knows no better and had no clue about my feelings). Now, don't get wrong; I have no illusions about Xmas being a happy occasion for most, and being a gay, non-Christian black sheep who lives in a cold climate of course I fucking hate it anyway. Still, in this year of shit start-to-finish, I was hoping for an easygoing non-stressful peaceful December with a few loved ones.

Then this bombshell. I want to be 100% unaffected, and while I feel and hope that my heart is cold and my soul turned against this individual, I cannot trust that my body and hormones agree. I also cannot trust this person's behaviour, and my warnings about him over the years have fallen on deaf ears. I have no other family and no friends to call on but the ones with whom I live and spend holidays, so short of booking AirB&B alone for myself on Xmas week (which my grandmother & mother would crucify me for) I have nowhere I can go and nothing I can do to escape this. This antagonist of mine is the one who has money, a well-paying job, and a busy social circle, so I don't even see why it has to me that suffers immense discomfort and painful reminiscence or having to leave my own family.

This is making me so tense and angry and upset, and there's no solution. I want to shake my mother and get her to wake up to this person's insanity, but with no proof and with her rose-coloured glasses grafted firmly onto her face I can't do shit.

Why can't self-obsessed extrovert users just go and party all together in a warehouse somewhere during holidays, and leave the rest of us decent folks alone?

by Anonymousreply 76Last Thursday at 11:49 AM

Honey, take it to Frau Central.

by Anonymousreply 77Last Thursday at 11:59 AM

R76 Maybe I was reading too fast but I quickly became confused and uninterested. I think you lost me when 'he' became 'they' and all the mom involvement. Yikes. Too many characters.

by Anonymousreply 78Last Thursday at 12:11 PM

OP...If after all these years you cannot let go, then there is something in it for you. You like being the sadsack. Admit it to yourself and move on.

by Anonymousreply 79Last Thursday at 12:14 PM
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