Let’s Be Trump’s Morning Routine - I Woke Up Like “Dis” Edition-

I shit myself

can you imagine what his hair looks like when he first wakes up?

I’m the crushed bottle of Adderall, waiting to be lined up and sniffed through a gold plated straw, helping America’s stable genius control his weight, so that he only scarfs down 5 Big Macs, instead of the 10 he will inhale tomorrow, when we’re all gone and the Bob Woodward story breaks.

I am the liquid shit dripping from his ass-crack as he lumbers into the shower for the first of many "accident repair" moments this day.

I am the tidy little nest of toilet paper worn in lieu of an adult diaper. On at least two occasions I have sneaked down his pant leg and waved to the camera from under his shoe.

R2, actually, yes, I can!

I am four sausage biscuits, eight hash browns, two delicious cups of covfeve and three Egg McMuffins, the ordering of which will have the McDonald's clerk ask "He's on a diet today, eh?"

I am the paint roller full of bronzer.

I am bathroom mirrors, trying as hard as possible not to shatter.

I'm Ivanka sashaying into his bedroom, makeup brushes in hand ready to apply his Pumpkin Spice shade of foundation whilst whispering to him ASMR style.

I am Melania, waking refreshed and bright-eyed, five miles away at my parents' house.

I am the flitting thought as the first of the Egg McMuffins is consumed: "Maybe I should do one of these muk-bang things."

I am dismissed as being too much hard work.

I am a quivering, slobbering anus-lipped mouth. Today vast quantities of fries will pushed into me and vast quantities of lies will be pushed out. Every day I wonder which will be the bigger of the two.

I am a desultory glance out the bedroom window at the Rose Garden. WTF? I thought that cunt had finished that thing, it's still under construction. What the fuck am I paying her for. Remember to take it out on Barron when I see him and everybody else until I do.

I am a box of Kleenex on the nightstand. I keep telling myself there are worse things I could be. Washington's dentures. Mary Todd Lincoln's corset. Jackie's little pink suit. Nixon's razor. Jefferson's slaves.

I am the echoing sounds of empty rooms upon empty rooms.

I am the President Taft bathtub, and thank God this cunt prefers showers is all I can say.

I am this morning's clogged toilet.

I am the lack of flossing.

I'm the runny fart - the first of hundreds - that is settling into the toilet-paper nest at R5.

I am the momentary hope that this will be the day the penis will be visible.

I’m Q!

I’m currently awaiting my Daily “Q” Drop from our Fearless Leader, to share with my unit’s psych ward here at Bellevue, where I’ve been sequestered for my true life’s purpose, after being saved from the depths of the Atlantic, while the divers held my wife and her cunt sister down, insuring they’d also fulfill their lives’ purpose!.

We just got Verizon FIOS and we’re all fired up and roaring to go, just like Sir Han-Sir Han, when he met my uncle Bobby!

Butt...

The drop is running late, today, since the Adderall hasn’t kicked in yet, and our Fearless leader is 💩. p r e t t y 💩constipated as of right now.

Maybe if he turns Joe and Mika on, he’ll get some inspiration- and crank the ole’ engines up!

Just the sound of Mika’s shrieking over the airwaves 1st thing in the morning, is said to make anyone man feel empty inside. 🇺🇸No Adderall required!🇺🇸

I am the thought reverberating around Washington DC in ever-widening circles until I have settled over the whole of the city like a sweaty miasma of damp horror.

OH SHIT, HE'S STILL ALIVE.

I am the distant yet indistinguishable voice of Speaker of The House, Pelosi. I am bellowing through the halls of power, as o am made into words, echoing,

“Where is that rat bastard? You tell him to pull those tapes off of FOX RIGHT THIS MINUTE, or I’m tweeting the 3 twelve years old pissing in his face mouth, in Leningrad, while Melania got cucked by Ben Carson”!!!

I’m Kelly Conway, packing a jar of mayo up the stairs to the private quarters. I’ve learned that if I smear this on my face and in my hair when Cheeto starts to doze off, he will think he’s shot his wad. Saves a girl from getting cramps in her legs when gramps can’t finish the job.

We’re Hope Hicks, and Kayleigh Mc- A-Ninny, running to Speaker Pelosi and desperately screaming, “OH MY GOD MRS. PELOSI! PLEASE DON’T!!! Our parents would die if they saw those tapes! And we were just doing as instructed by our host, on our summer student exchange trip, learning Russian & developing perfect oratory skills when meeting HEADS of state”!!!

Ivanka, heard from the bathroom down the hall, shouting over Mika’s OUTRAGE, “And we don’t wanna embarrass my sister Tiff. She’s finally finishing law, and if she saw herself from those unflattering angles, standing over Daddy, she might start sleep-eating again. No one ever looks good in black and white film! Not even Melania!! Ugh!”

I’m Barron. I haven’t seen my father in 4 weeks, but that’s OK, because I read his Twitter feed.

My dad says all of my classmates’ dads are big ole’ faggots The kids REALLY get mad and call me a liar, but today will be different, because I am walking down the hall to my locker with the secret service detail who will protect me from than, when I hand them all the photos that my dad got pulled from their dad’s government files!

Even some dude my dad works, is in these photos. Dad calls him Miss Lindsay, and he’s slobbering all over everyone’sk nobs in these pictures!

Oh, and look, that dude right there? That’s dad’s friend, Miss Lindsay, is kneeling before? Well, that’s Jacob’s dad, and he’s sitting on what dad says is something called a fainting couch! And the coolest part is that it belonged to President Lincoln’s wife!

American History, right here!

I miss my dad. Everyone hates him, especially my mom..

But I think he’s so awesome!

I'm the pile of newspapers, briefings, special reports and documents requiring signing waiting on his desk.

From February, 2017.

I'm the second order of an additional Egg McMuffin and two hash browns along with a pre-lunch order of three Big Macs and a promise made silently to the long-suffering mirror that the diet begins tomorrow.

I'm the place where the dog would have greeted him happily if he ever had a dog.

I am also the place where the cat would have ignored him if he ever had a cat.

I am Trump's swollen heart, struggling to keep this 300-pound mound of toxins ambulatory and relatively conscious.

I am Trump's Twitter feed, idling at the curb.

I’m Jared, and I’m wondering what’s taking Ivanka so long, cuz’ I need to have my brows waxed before today’s extra brief morning briefing. And Kim sent me a contouring pallet from her sister’s makeup line that she says will help Ivanka accentuate my already stunning cheekbones.

I’m CoViD-19, and I WILL MO LONGER BE IGNORED!!!

I am Trump's first tweet of the day. I am a mixture of stupidity, ugliness, untruth, bad grammar and outright loathsomeness. If the stars align, I will contain a misspelled word which Trump's base will interpret as a secret signal from Jesus Christ, King of Atlantis.

I’m a mask, and I don’t know HER...

I'm the "Have A Nice Day-face" tattoo on Jared's crotch where a normal male human being would have an actual penis.

Press me and I play a doorbell arrangement of "Claire de Lune".

I’m a stroke of (stable) genius, and I will be making my 1st appearance in President Trump’s brain, right after Mika screeches one last time this morning

I will e mistaken for a headache, but later on today, I will make my second appearance at the WH Rose Garden, in front of reporters and zero roses.

I am am one of MANY long term after affects from CoViD-19, which infected my victim’s brain many weeks ago, yet he never told anyone he was sick, and infected his entire staff and family.

Now I’m here, and I will keep coming back, because I like it here! Everyone has given me a warm welcome, and tell me they wish me well and hope I get the job done!!

I’m so happy. People here really like me. It feels like hone!!!

🇺🇸 🦠⚡️ 🧠 ⚡️ 🦠 🇺🇸

We are the “Collective Groans & Knots”. We are a new musical band, who have been commissioned by our nation’s great leader, to play for you, America, every single day!!

We’ll see you at 11:00 in the pit of your stomachs, per usual..

I had a great sleep. It was the best sleep ever. People tell me no one has ever slept like I do.

I'm his overworked remote control, switching channels feverishly looking for people talking about him.

I'm the scream of pure, unadulterated evil that issues from his face-cunt as he awakes. A kind of cock-a-doodle-do-everything-I-can-wrong.

Down in Hell Satan blinks slowly awake and thinks: "I am going to fry that rooster one day".

I'm the orange stain on the pillowcase.