Things Straight Men Do

Drink beer and play golf

Loved it! My laugh for the day!

Spit while walking down the street

Start threads on message boards about "Things Gay Men Do"

[quote]Things Straight Men Do

Fuck women.

Say "that mauve settee in the dining room was just ghastly!!!"

Beer hats. MAGA hats. NASCAR. Wearing a MAGA beer hat at a NASCAR race.

Vote For Trump

Burp loudly

Fart loudly

Eat with their hands

Wear flip flops in public

Ogle large breasts

Watch sports while drinking domestic beer

Not use moisturizer

Not know what moisturizer even is

Wear white sneakers with jeans

Play video games

Forget to shower

All other manner of uncouth behavior

OP, before I even viewed it, I knew that had something to do with farting...

Other things uncouth, straight men do:

Adjust themselves in public

Avoid the middle urinal

Think nothing of spitting

Flatus ignition

Lighting Aerosol Cans

Cow tipping

Be effortlessly masculine.

Be unbelievably boring!

Stink, not pay attention to their hygiene

R11 clearly hasn't spent enough time on Datalounge

Scratch their nuts in public (hand in or outside of their pants)

Hate women...oh, wait

Tendency to dominate and bully the weakers

I somewhat prefer the old days when straight men acted a certain predictable way. Now, with the younger generation of straight men, sexuality can be so much more confusing. Last year, I thought I was possibly going to have a serious relationship with a hot building contractor in his early 30s. After several weeks of working together, I thought he was quietly gay or at least bi. He had married right out of college and was now divorced. I was in the middle of seducing him one afternoon when he stopped me and said that although he loved hanging out with me, he wasn't gay. I was so disappointed. I think I prefer the old days when men would have run out the door.

Now I'm involved with a great guy who really isn't completely there for me. At least, we can drink beer and watch old movies together.

Be inexplicably proud about the gross things about them, such as stench. I'll never get why straight men are so impressed by their own disgustingness.

Be aesthetically challenged

My straight brothers and friends show up on time.

They also don't seem to stand on pretense.

Kill elephants

Shave their heads so they don't have to fuss with hair.

Don't wipe properly.

I don't fucking care, do u?

Eat pussy.

Wear torn or stained clothing out in public. Take only 5 minutes to get ready for work in the morning.

Straight men don't seem to be critical of other people's home decor.

Hunt. Straight men love hunting.

R25, you think? Poor straight women, they just stick it in there. They are lousy in bed.

Leave the house without taking a shower by just putting a baseball cap on

TIL I'm straight.

Wear stained and soiled clothing. Usually coincides with the oversized t-shirt and basketball shorts uniform on an entirely unathletic frame as seen on display at OP.

Commit crimes

Buy puffy leather couches and air hockey tables— that is the whole decor. Live in shitty townhouse developments in the middle of nowhere. Have a mirror in the bathroom with Coors written on it.

Spend ungodly amounts on electronics and cars and dress like hobos.

Spend absurd amounts of money on electronics and cars but still dress like hobos.

Sorry for double post.

Say something witty once a year.

[R32] The shirts are from souvenir shops from various fishing locations and say things like “big mouth bass bar” and “old men love new bait” and “my wife ran away with my rod give me back my rod” “black hills blockbuster beer gut 2020” etc

Unknowingly tell on themselves as bad lovers with extremely poor sexual skills. I saw a guy in some comments section somewhere recently describe sex as "moving my dick around in a hole for 15 minutes." I mean, that is just pitiful. Poor straight women!

Say something witty & original once a year.

They help their gay brother / gay friend move to a new home.

Purchase shirts at bait shops. They say things like “billy bobs big mouth bass shop” “ old men like young bait” “my wife ran away with my dog, I want my dog back” “beer busters international” “get off of my truck if you don’t want a whoppin’” etc . They also like beer cozies with similar sayings on them.

A lot of these replies are repetitive.

Straight men are not that interesting. I think we've covered them completely in under 40 replies.

Thread closed.

Cheat on their women at every opportunity, without a second thought.

[R8] A lot of gay dudes play video games, even fps.

Waste $ buying jewelry for women. 😂😂😂😂

not wash their hands, not flush public toilets and not a ounce of context/nuance/critical thinking skills... everything is black or white. no middle..

Be effortlessly alluring to 99.9% of gay men, to whom they would not give the time of day.

Competitive eating.

Rape women.

Have a bunch of baby mamas.

Use Lifebuoy soap on their face.

Angry

Distant

Inability to recognize emotion

Obsessed with sport sneakers.

Wearing khaki shorts.

Obsession with watching sports and obsessive drinking and eating at tail gate parties.

Toxic masculinity.

When gays do it it's called self loathing.

Die young because of their diet.

R29 one of the women I used to screw around with back in early college with whom I still keep in touch and that divorced 5 years back told me her husband was all about his pleasure and the best sex she had was with me, despite my eventual coming out. Why? I was the only one who cared about us both getting off. Go figure.

Relentlessly obsessed about by gay men on DL.

Who knew? And why?

Not recycle or wear a mask in a pandemic. Empathy for others and care for the common good are too "gay."

Can you imagine being this fragile?

R56, ask Mediapolis

Judging from the replies - none of you live in NYC or LA?

Weird, I thought most DLers were from Coastal areas...

Lead more productive lives.

Spit into the urinal while peeing. It's a subconscious way to establish full masculinity. "My dick is out, so I must do something that proves I'm super straight since I'm so insecure and vulnerable right now."

Seriously, make a mental note to watch how often guys do this at urinals now.

"Things straight men do":

1. Rule most of our Planet

2. Start occasional wars

3. Re-populate the planet after the war

4. Rinse and repeat until Kingdom Come

R62 *Kingdom cum

R62, they start every war, and I'm pretty sure it's women who do the heaviest work of "repopulating" anything.

What a moronic response. Are you a straight man?

R60, by what, by killing, pillaging, torturing, vandalising, bullying, abusing, lying, mugging, raping, etc...

Worship Tarantino and Christopher Nolan movies.

Suck dick, eat out another man's ass, fuck another man bareback.

Greet you with one word: "Hey!"

Next is: "How's it going, man?"

Finally: "Working hard or hardly working?"

[quote]Things Straight Men Do

Settle down monogamously

Have silent and motionless orgasms.

I always wonder how they can be so obsessed with pussy yet have absolutely no physical reaction to the result of putting their cocks in one.

[quote] What a moronic response ... they start every war

Let's open a dictionary together, R64. Remedial English lessons 101:

"occasional" - occurring, appearing, or done infrequently and irregularly. Example: "there's an occasional war now and then in Greece". An "occasional" war is about regularity/frequency in TIME (e.g. every few years).

Whereas "every" war is about NUMBER. I wasn't talking about "number" - I was simply citing frequency. Do pay attention.

[quote] I'm pretty sure it's women who do the heaviest work of "repopulating" anything.

How quaint. But this isn't a thread about "women". Human females haven't yet developed the ability to reproduce via Parthenogenesis (like invertebrates and some plants). So straight guys are still key in re-population (women are implicit but not the focus of this thread).

[quote] Are you a straight man?

Are you an angry woman? :P

"Things Straight Men Do"

Surprisingly - write more Operas.

Though I think the gay brotherhood has straights beat on Musicals.

R64, there, you got your answer, R71 is a straight man.

Not wipe properly.... I don’t know this as fact, I just know it’s true.

Skid marks.

Think about boobs.

Drink beer.

Never experience anal douching.

"Things Straight Men Do"

Technically, create (or, using the Biblical term, "beget") gay men.

Physically assault people at work?

Fart like it's something to be proud of.

Somehow avoid being put under the microscope unlike non-straight men.

Avoid being criticized as a group.

Get defended by gay guys who would be the first ones that they throw under the bus.

have sex with women

Vote Republican reflexively.

Gaybait gay producers and gay writers for fame & money, especially Ryan Murphy

They eat so much meat! They’re the ones keeping slaughterhouses in business and the old ones sometimes get gout.

Straight men are usually my best friends. Gays are neurotic self-centered flakes.

fRICKIN never shut up about sports, craft bee,r and bacon. And BURGERS!

walk around with unwashed butts.

Harass men that threaten their masculinity.

Anything related with his ball sack or ass, pulling underwear out, readjusting, putting hands down pants all in public.

Loving anything lesbian related and trying to get their girls to lez out for them, all while hating those "fags"

straight men don't wear flip-flops or even use umbrellas, it's "too gay"

They also don't wear winter coats much and do the multiple hoodie thing in the winter

Come to think of it, I'm like a straight guy, since mostly everything mentioned here, I do

I spit when I walk,bad habit, love to fart and joke about it and burp, workout and go a few days without showering, big sports fanatic, say words like "bro" and "dude" all the time etc

I do put AXE gel in my hair but if I'm off from work, I'll wear a baseball hat

[quote] Spit into the urinal while peeing. It's a subconscious way to establish full masculinity. "My dick is out, so I must do something that proves I'm super straight since I'm so insecure and vulnerable right now."

I am a Gold Star Gay man and I always spit at the urinal, the other day I forgot I had a mask on and almost spit into the mask.

Screw women.

Show buttcrack when bending over and not being aware or caring about it

Joking with their other straight buddies about anything gay related and if your bro does something feminine like cook, hassle him about it, if your bro is named Chris and he cooks dinner, tell him "I'm gonna call you Christina" for now on

They think joking like that is hilarious, because being a woman or having any feminine skills is the worst thing in the world for them

R93 - “ I am a Gold Star Gay man and I always spit at the urinal, the other day I forgot I had a mask on and almost spit into the mask.”

Classy. And, Neanderthal-like.

[quote]straight men don't wear flip-flops or even use umbrellas, it's "too gay"

Maybe in Texas. WTF?

You're right, R95. One thing straight men do that women and gay men never do is joke and tease each other about physical flaws, any vulnerability eg their masculinity.

[quote]Leave the house without taking a shower by just putting a baseball cap on

Umm, I do this all the time...

Reading this thread makes me want to be a straight man!

I live in Texas and wear flip flops or Birkenstocks every day since I'm working at home. Also a urinal spitter!

R19 Ha. like that old aesthetically challenged white guy, Picasso.

Not show any emotion except for anger, which makes them come across as more masculine

Up until recently, they never wore tailored or body enhancing clothes. (That was thought to be too gay.)

R102, you think this man is eye candy? ha!

Wear white socks with suits.

Wear shorts in the middle of winter when it's freezing cold outside.

I wear shorts when it's freezing, too -- often with flip flops.

Oh my God you're soooo masc R108!

Act like it's the end of the world when their favorite sports team loses.

Argue with each other about those same sports teams.

Constantly walk on eggshells in fear of being perceived as "not masculine"/gay

R109, no -- I just always have a really nice tan so it's a good look.

R110, and they ignore the obvious homoerotic interactions between players, especially in soccer and pass them off as perfectly heterosexual behaviour.

[quote]Act like it's the end of the world when their favorite sports team loses.

You did NOT want to be in my path when my hockey team got knocked off these shitty playoffs.

Pat each other on the ass and say "no homo"

They are paranoid that every gay man they see wants to make a pass at them despite the fact that many of them look like shit.

They say "homosexuality is wrong" while they jack off to lesbian porn when their wife is away

Pull their shopping carts from the front with one hand rather than push them from the back as most folks---and almost all women---do.

R52, most of the gay men I know drink more than straight guys do

r86, you're a neurotic flake?

BTW, most straight men voted for Trump

I know a ton of gay men who drink beer. Maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong gays

Straight guys always wear TERRIBLE sunglasses. Really ugly, ones with that tacky polarized coloring.

March around with guns and Confederate flags while wearing MAGA hats

[quote]They are paranoid that every gay man they see wants to make a pass at them despite the fact that many of them look like shit.

So are most gay men.

[quote]Fart like it's something to be proud of.

But it [italic]is![/italic]

Denigrate musical theater as gay while praising crap like [italic]H@m¡lt0n[/italic].

From what I’ve heard from straight women, their men wipe once, maybe twice.

Neglecting to wash their holes thoroughly

I saw a big strapping college guy at the grocery today. He was giving his request to the deli worker and absentmindedly giving his genitals a fondling through his floppy shorts. I thought of this thread: gay guys just don't do that.

Thankfully they avoid the topics of:

b-list actresses from the 1940s and 1950s,

FOLLIES,

Golden Girls,

CATS,

flip-flops,

skin care products

Thinking that sticking your tongue out and wriggling it around is a turn on

Surprisingly, my straight buddies and brother have told me not to get involved with a closeted man or a guy who lives with his mother.

Argue obsessively about which of their friend group displays characteristics that are most similar to the Golden Girls:

"When Ty yells and farts like that, he's a real Dorothy Zbornak, amiright?"

"Yeah dude, he's totally Dorothy - he's substitute teacher material and he NEVER has date on a Saturday night!"

The one’s who see how it works. They know and will let a gay guy blow them. Usually, it’s pretty intense the gay guy gets into it and I get a blow without the hassle.

Not much.

R71 is definitely an idiot.

#132 is projecting.

I don’t have a breeder brother... rather he gets bred.

The black puffy leather sofa/recliner combination industry is 100% supported by straight, single male dollars. And residential beer signs.

Golf. Fishing. Hunting. Crossfit. RV ownership. Cargo shorts and pants. Flip flops. Gun ownership.

There are always a few exceptions - but it's extremely rare for gay men for most I've listed above.

[quote]They are paranoid that every gay man they see wants to make a pass at them despite the fact that many of them look like shit.

The ironic thing is that it’s almost always the ugly straight men that think gays want them; it’s almost never the good looking ones. It’s like ugly straight men are delusional.

It's funny, really. It's as if all the fat and ugly women of all ages believed they were irresistible objects of lust to all straight men.

Maybe some do, but surely not most of them.

R135, stop defending illiteracy. And learn to follow threads before commenting.

R140 - my roommate's Spanish ex (a 5 foot 2 abusive, bald asshole with a small dick according to her) was uneasy that she lived with a gay man and she told me. Weird thing is he was always raving about Rafa Nadal and other good looking guys. So a lot of "straight" guys are closeted dicks and what's worse is they always find a nice woman to pray on who is out of their league and then harass gay men. Sick jerks.

[quote]Golf. Fishing. Hunting. Crossfit. RV ownership. Cargo shorts and pants. Flip flops. Gun ownership.

Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Nah. Guilty. Guilty and guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Where's my pussy trophy???

[quote]a nice woman to pray on

Pics please.

[quote] Weird thing is he was always raving about Rafa Nadal and other good looking guys. So a lot of "straight" guys are closeted dicks

A lot of females are always raving about Diana Spencer, Marilyn Monroe, Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift or other good-looking females. So a lot of "straight" females are "closeted" dykes?

"Idol worship" happens regardless of orientation.

Use there arse holes like this.

R146 It’s amazing how fascinated supposedly straight men are with their asshole.

Often have luxurious forests of back hair.

Yelling the following:

Par-tay!

Awesome!

Booyah!

Get blowjobs at gloryholes and then cry into their Budweiser can afterwards, while their wives ask, "Honey, what's wrong?"

Never change their clothes, especially their underwear. Disgusting, smelly, putrid creatures.

Watch the ABSOLUTELY WORST TELEVISION

The question at hand is: What causes this (often primitiv, less sophisticated) behavior in straight men? Is it mostly hormones/testosterone?

Smell like Ass!

R153, only straight men have primitive behavior? Gay men having random risky sex in bathroom stalls, darkrooms, etc. is not primitive behavior? Gay men are just as stupid as straight men. We just do things differently.

Like if you think the guy in OP’s video is hot. Minus the gas and doing it into a phone on a grocery store’s loud speaker.

He’s my type.

Molest young girls. Sometimes their own daughters.

R10, To be honest most of them even fail at that.

Think about cock more than they’ll admit.

R49, Lol That old myth. I know more gay men that don't give a rat's ass about straight guys than those who do.

R142 - straight men don't rant and rave about how hot another man's body is. They just don't and they don't call them "hot".

R142 - one more important thing to say is that man who is secure in himself and his manhood does not act like an abusive jerk to someone he perceives as "weaker". This guy suffered from occasional impotence and blamed it on EACH woman...his ex was too stupid, my roommate was over 35, his first gf was too fat and so on...a man comfortable in his sexuality doesn't do that shit.

Wear hoodies and gym shorts or cargo shorts

Walk with your hands clenched into a fist like your angry

Not enunciate

Beat up or kill an ex partner for breaking up or divorcing them

Think combovers are attractive

Cargo shorts for every occasion

Refuse to get therapy or take appropriate and needed antidepressants and/or antipsychotic because it's not manly/insists he "doesn't need them"

Smells terrible

R164 and yet gay men would sell their own mom's to get with a reasonably attractive straight guy...

Sell their own mom's what?

Not all of us are desperate graspers, R165

But the cheapest soap/body wash. (Irish Spring is a favorite) Wear bikini briefs Wear white briefs until they are full of holes, gray and the elastic is shot Use body spray in lieu of bathing Wear overpowering cheap after shave (old men)

Often not get themselves medical help until the situation is serious or sadly too late.

They refuse to ask for directions, ever! They'd rather die lost in their vehicle than ask for help.

Straight men can sometimes look good in poorly fitted suits. Gay men, cannot.

Percentage-wise, compared to gay men, more straight men are overweight or obese.

[quote] They refuse to ask for directions, ever! They'd rather die lost in their vehicle than ask for help.

Is this still a thing now that everyone has a phone with GPS?

Go into the military, become a cop or firefighter

Work more dangerous (deadly) type jobs like coal miners that women and most gay men would never have as an occupation

The world needs masculine men, and yes you can be gay/bi and masculine but it's rare, so it's a straight man's job

Impregnate women, rape women

Think pinning a hockey jersey to a blank white wall is a great way to decorate an apartment

Wear white socks with flip flops...to the airport!

Get Mama some smelling salts

Become president.

R175 - I beg to differ on the impregnate notion. Any gay man that uses a surrogate or eldergay with kids has impregnated a woman. These days with the science available it is very possible (and, I believe from what I see in LA at least), more and more common for gay men to have a biological child.

Vote Republican, often against self-interests.

Feel superior to everyone else

Live life without having to be forced into a box because of societal attitudes towards their sexuality. They're free to be anybody they want to be and aren't forced to adapt their personality to stereotypes as a survival instinct.

Feel entitled to whatever they want, when they want it. When they don't get it, they get violent.

Wear the same pair of undershorts for a week.

R181 Have you never been to a gay bar?

[quote]Live life without having to be forced into a box because of societal attitudes towards their sexuality.

That's not entirely true. Most straight men are expected to marry and have kids; many are unhappily married and/or hate kids. Not the same as what gay men face, but a blanket statement like that doesn't really apply. A lot of domestic abuse, spousal or child, is the result of men forced into a box because of societal attitudes towards their sexuality. Some men don't belong in relationships, but possessing a woman and impregnating her repeatedly is what straight men are told they must do.

Everyone is now welcome to get forced into the marriage box. Hooray!

R173 Wife: Honey, just ask Siri...

Husband: No, I know where it is... you just turn left there.... ah, maybe right

Wife: Siri, where is...

Husband: (grabs the phone from her) ... I said I know where it is!!

call other men, " man" "dude" "bro" " chief" "pal" "buddy" " homie"

"bud"

Express their repressed homosexual urges through homoerotic activities such as hazing, mooning, patting each other on the ass, pantsing, and other weirdly sexual "pranks".

Forgot to mention wedgies. Another kinda gay "prank" that straight men love for some reason.

[quote] Express their repressed homosexual urges through homoerotic activities such as hazing, mooning, patting each other on the ass, pantsing, and other weirdly sexual "pranks".

Sociologists call such behavior “homosociality.”

Off topic, so I will get F&F for it cuz this is DL, but I had an interesting online talk with a twink from my company here in Romania. He LOVES to do outrageous photos on his Instagram, sometimes with lipstick and other times in a bikini. He makes it clear he is a guy, but wants to give the middle finger to the establishment. Well, a complete douchebag from the UK at our office, who is always bragging about how being English "gets me pussy" saw his bikini picture, unfollowed him and THEN said "you have a nicer ass than my girlfriend". The girlfriend doesn't exist for this fat homophobic loser. That is what a lot of straights do.

Watch "Walker, Texas Ranger".

Ah, nobody actually watches that, do they?

One thing I noticed and it may be a southern thing. I see a lot of straight husbands standing outside of stores while their wives shop - as if going in a women's store would make them instantly gay or something.

Talk like they know how to coach a pro sports team better than the professional coach. Usually while yelling at the TV and drinking alcohol with their friends.

Air guitar

Drink energy drinks like crazy

Smell their farts, and really get off on it.

Fist bump other men

The great Kinky Friedman once said that 75% of men find farting funny, while 0% of women do. Was he talking about all men, or just straight men?

Gay men and women really don't fistbump each other, I've noticed

clear their throats loudly

scratch their balls and itch their asscrack

laugh really wide and loud

Marry golddiggers.

From R8's list

Vote For Trump - nope

Burp loudly - guilty

Fart loudly - guilty

Eat with their hands - guilty

Wear flip flops in public - guilty. AND with khaki /camo cargo shorts

Ogle large breasts - nope

Watch sports while drinking domestic beer - done that once or twice

Not use moisturizer - guilty

Not know what moisturizer even is - guilty until recently

Wear white sneakers with jeans - guilty

Play video games - guilty

Forget to shower - guilty but not often

All other manner of uncouth behavior - definitely guilty on multiple counts

From R9's list

Other things uncouth, straight men do:

Adjust themselves in public - guilty

Avoid the middle urinal - nope

Think nothing of spitting - guilty

Flatus ignition - have tried this as a party trick a couple times, not very successfully. I am not on any A lists strangely enough

Lighting Aerosol Cans - guilty, that shit can be fun, blowing shit up and shooting shit is fun too

Cow tipping - nope but sounds like fun, sort of thing I'd of done when I was younger. I done plenty dumb shit

R16 "Tendency to dominate and bully the weakers" - an absolute hard no to this. Fucking hate that shit

R26 Wear torn or stained clothing out in public. - guilty

Take only 5 minutes to get ready for work in the morning - why so long?

R195/R196 Yes, I have watched "Walker, Texas Ranger". And enjoyed, and so did my boyfriend

R206 Marry golddiggers. - oh shit I had to laugh, cos I done that too. My ex. Well it was a civil union, but same diff. I should of seen him coming, but I was blinded by love

I haven't read this whole thread, but we are to believe r207 is straight?

R208 no, I'm as gay as fuck. Belch.

R209 - if you love V8 and are a bottom, marry me!

R207 If you didn’t vote for Trump, all your other (so called) sins are cancelled!

It's weird seeing gay men that are into farts like straight guys are. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. Unnatural.

R209, now that you know what moisturiser is, it's time to get started on a good skincare regime.

Drive gays crazy with lust from middle school through college. The spell is broken once we realize we can have the best things that straights offer with a partner that has an equal love of cock.

R207, you're a slob!

I love you!

Have a gorgeous, model looking wife and cheat on her with an ugly, trashy skanky woman.

Have a wife who waits on them hand and foot, treats them like a king, and then cheats on her anyway.

^ paging Tiger Woods....

Stick their dicks in pussies.

Sticks their dicks in CRAZY time & time again.

Oh, what is the quote about dogs walking on their hind legs?

It isn't something that you are used to seeing and it is never done well.

[quote]Wear hoodies and gym shorts or cargo shorts

Lots of gay men wear these things.

R221 not like straight men do

It's everyday wear for straight guys

R215 Thanks, love you too!

I am a fuck sight more refined than what I used to be. When I met my first boyfriend I had an old carburettor on my bedside table, an airconditioner in pieces on the floor and I was using a car hood as a bedroom curtain. I had decorated the room with a beer can collection as well to add that finishing touch. I only stopped storing car parts in my closet when I met my current partner a few years back.

My clothes are mostly clean now and sort of tidyish. I still wear a lot of black cos it doesnt show oil and grease stains. I also adore camo, my boyfriend knows if he buys clothes for me something in camo is a safe bet

Use the word "ghastly" except when mispronouncing "ghostly"

^^Never use the word.....

They don't put up profiles on Grindr or respond to ads on Craigslist.

Those are closet cases

Pee with the bathroom door open.

My boss has a bathroom in his office. He frequently pisses in there with the door open with people in the room. But he has multiple mental health issues, so I just write it off.