Let’s Be HR!

We’re the benefits department. When employees contact us to ask a question, we’ll have no fucking clue what the answer is.

I am the poor supervisor in a professional setting with a number of employees who are truly not employable without micromanagement or a job coach. They are more work to keep around then they produce on any given day, if they even bother to come to work. But even with impeccable documentation, HR will absolutely not permit them to be terminated.

This thread is very concerning.

I used to work for a company that still "cashed the pay checks" of employees who didn't have a bank account. They would pay them in cash in HR after the paycheck was signed back over.

Is this still done?

Yes, I am a somewhat elderly gay.

I am the webinar on "How To Choose Your Corporate Anniversary Reward," as complicated and tricky a choice as "Chicken or pasta?" on a flight, so pay attention!

I was outsourced to the same expensive vendor who supplies our mandatory webinars on Corporate Ethics, Employees & Responsible Social Media Use, and Discrimination in the Workplace, the expensive ones with the plummy voiced British narrators, the same actors we will fly over to conduct mass firings.

HR will hire out absolutely anything, wiping our asses, for instance, or patting ourselves on the back for working so hard.

I'm the job posting that was cancelled for some mysterious reason.

I’m the fake smile.

I'm the proof that they certainly have a sense of humor.

[quote]I’m the job posting that they don’t even start contacting selected candidates for interviews for until a month after the application deadline has ended

Im the government HR drone laughing at the idea of 1 month turn around! It takes me 1 month to respond to an email. Try 1 year actually fill a job!

R9 Wow!

I’m the Code of Conduct policy that for some reason never applies to upper management or HR.🤔

I’m the candy dish on the HBIC’s secretary’s desk. It’s designed to make you feel welcome and rewarded.

I'm the newly hired 21 year old HR Generalist who has never held a job in HR before, who attempts to counsel VPs and division managers who've been with the company for 25+ years on how to supervise their staffs, and runs squalling like a baby to her boss when those VPs & managers tell her to get out of their offices and mind her own business, and then quits when her boss, who knows better than to go up against those guys, chastises her for getting involved in things she has no business in getting involved in.

I’m the threat they make to a potential whistleblower.

This thread has been forwarded to our legal department.

I'm the boss's secretary who ended up getting promoted to head of the profit-sharing program. I know nothing about federal tax laws and regulations, distribution, or administration of any accounts. I am a glorified "picnic planner."

I’m the sexual assault complaint they help bury.

I’m the compliance investigation being done because a delusional cunt believes its emotional abuse when her coworkers don’t invite her to lunch with them (because she’s a lazy cunt who doesn’t do shit).

I'm Ginny in billing and they tried to get rid of me, but they couldn't because I know too much. So, the vacancy no longer exists. Sorry that you suckers and losers wasted your time. (Guess who I picked that one up from?)

I'm the Company's first line of defence in making sure Corporate never has to take responsibilty for anthing.

I’m the 26 year old assistant director of HR. I wear a pound of makeup, and spend shitloads of money on not only my wardrobe, but also getting my hair and nails done. Looking professional will compensate for me having no fucking clue what I’m doing.

I’m the HR employee who knows every and I mean every rule that must be followed—- not realizing that following every rule would kill everyone within a month

Human Remains.

If I wasn't in HR, I'd be in Marketing!

I’m the fucking abacus needed to demonstrate how my annual leave has been eaten up come June while Brenda from HR seems to be on six months a year paid vaycay.

It needn’t be an abacus really; she could just clomp her hoof on the ground like those horses who count...

I’m the canned email reply you receive a week later.

I’m the HR cunt who posts fake positive reviews of this shithole company on Indeed, Glassdoor, etc, to balance out all the negative reviews.

I’m the gasps of horror when you tell HR you threw away your United Way donation form because you won’t contribute this year (and it’s not their business where your money goes).

It turns out a company can claim 100% participation if everyone signs the form, regardless of money pledged. Companies compete for bragging rights regarding the United Way, but the employees couldn’t care less.

R28 I believe it. At my last shithole company I worked for, they had an entire week of United Way “activities” and “games” people could play in order to raise money. I always wondered why they pushed this shit so much, but now I know thanks to you.

'I’m the candy dish on the HBIC’s secretary’s desk. It’s designed to make you feel welcome and rewarded."

It depends on where the dish is placed. Did I invite you to partake? Your presumptuousness could be a red flag.

I'm the Hep B waiting for you in that candy dish. You'd think HR would know better than to invite a lawsuit!

Reading all of these makes me grateful that COVID has enabled work from home.

I’m the mandatory diversity training HR outsourced to the overseas contractor mentioned upthread (because HR too busy planning parties to conduct a two-hour training course). The purpose of the training is to ensure an inclusive, diverse workforce. Everyone from the CEO to the mailroom staff must complete the course! There is no room for racism, sexism, ageism, or discrimination based on sexual orientation in THIS organization!

Meanwhile, HR continues to rely on “keyword software” to scan resumes submitted for each and every job opening, including interns. (Again, they’re too busy planning parties to actually read a resume!) The software effectively eliminates 95% of qualified applicants in favor of the self-promoting assholes who have no qualms about padding their resumes with useless corporate jargon favored by the software. Consequently, the three or four resumes that actually make their way to the hiring manager are cut from the same cloth: overconfident but thoroughly mediocre straight young white guys who have no qualms about padding their resumes. When the hiring manager, thoroughly underwhelmed by the quality of candidates he interviewed, asks to see some of the resumes previously rejected by the software, he is met with radio silence from HR.

A few months later, when coworkers who took the diversity training ask HR why the last 10 organizational hires were inexperienced young white guys straight out of college, the canned HR response is “in each case, we had to hire the best person for the job.”

I am the job offer for the position of a Diversity & Inclusion Manager at a tech company (management board is 100 % white and male of course). The job will go to the most qualified candidate: a straight white woman who used to date the CEO and comes from a rich family. Yay for diversity!

I’m the loser girl from Middle School who would tattle on everyone, now I feel cool because I’m HR so now I protect the “cool kids” aka upper management from the losers!

HR is basically in place to enforce hierarchies and lunch table politics. They find reasons to get rid of people once the higher ups don’t think they’re part of the cool kids club anymore.

[quote]Reading all of these makes me grateful that COVID has enabled work from home.

HR at my job is just approving WFH, SIX MONTHS into the pandemic. It only took 6 cases in the office for them to get off their fat lard asses.

I'm Verla in Payroll. I have answered my phone, "Payroll, Verla" for 39 years.

I'm "Up Management" - the concept of supervision and direction being given by the person BELOW you in the hierarchy. It's for my being conceptualized to begin with that the whole management force thinks that all HR personnel are retarded, and should be considered an endless source of humorous consternation.

I’m the asshole HR Director who has decided to stop giving the $40 gift cards to employees during the holidays and has decided that we will instead have a food day (where employees will be the ones to bring in the food, of course).

I’m the 22 year old, big breasted, blonde girl who works in HR and has an extremely close relationship with the CEO, who is 30 years my senior!

He moved me closer to his office because he felt HR needed to be closer to the C suite executives.

We also took the exact same week off.

I’m the head of Diversity and Inclusion. Interestingly, this company still always manages to be 97% white. However, we do bring in inner city kids during the summer for four weeks to be “interns” and since they get paid, they are considered employees, which helps us fudge our diversity numbers each year.

I'm special baked potato Friday. You get to pick your own toppings in the cafeteria at no extra cost.. The idea originated in HR as a employee morale booster.

I’m the folksy blaccent adopted when speaking to black employees. It makes them feel comfortable, ooohwee guuurl!

I'm the Christmas gifts to all the lowest rung workers - plastic company cups and pens. Cups. And fucking....pens. Merry....er, seasons greetings!

I'm the mandatory sexual harassment seminar. I'm taken by a woman with caked on makeup, gigantic knockers, and very prominent nipples, who fucked the boss.

I'm the tenth email reminding everyone that their annual 360 degree reviews are due this week, the forms can be found on the corporate intranet, please contact IT if you've forgotten your password or don't know how to log in.

[quote] I’m the candy dish on the HBIC’s secretary’s desk. It’s designed to make you feel welcome and rewarded.

I'm the notebook at the HBIC's secretary's desk, and I contain the names of multitudes of fat whores who took candy from the dish. I judge you all.

I'm the very passive aggressive email (the third this month) sent to the new head of Business Development (the department formerly known as "Sales") reminding him that he needs to get approval from HR before he starts bringing in new candidates for interviews and by the way, they still need him to finish filling out the paperwork so that he can complete his Diversity Training.

Hi, I'm Dave and I work in HR. My nickname is the "Angel of Death" I got the nickname because if you see me walking towards your office with a file box, you're toast.

I'm the vaguely worded Slack or email from HR asking if you could "stop by later that afternoon" or (worse) "give me a call right away."

95% of the time it's so that the HR Cunt can ask whether you know if Pat Thompson still works at ABC Corp and what did you think of them or do you know anyone you went to school with who might be interested in the IT job they're trying to fill.

But it's the fact that you don't know that for sure that makes being an HR Cunt so much fun

I'm the salary that no one seems to know, even when directly asked, that is extremely low.

HR BITCH, why waste my time?

Girls, has anyone checked on Ginny in Billing? I know she's very high risk for COVID.

[R43] Baw haw haw, LOL

Ginny died years ago. But you'd be forgiven for not noticing.

I’m the New Employee Orientation & Onboarding Coordinator. I will make you spend your entire first week sitting in a “classroom” like a little kid while you fill out forms, take stupid modules, listen to guest speakers from different areas of the company to tell you how wonderful it is, do icebreakers to get to know each other, etc. I will have you wondering by the end of the week what the fuck you really signed up for. If you only knew!

I’m the new girl in the department who drew the short straw and has to have a chat with Sanjeev about his... aromas (hygiene and culinary). Karen in Marketing has been complaining, so it must be addressed.

I’m the office slut. The HR sexual harassment rules were made for me. They are put into play when the creepy iT guy glares at me for the 100th time or when I can’t use my pussy for a raise or promotion, but I’ve never not been able to use my pussy for a promotion.

I'm 1982. Some of you seem not to have been in a workplace since me, or to work for companies that have somehow sustained work practices that most companies abandoned due to lawsuits not long after I was over.

R1, I am the "Benefits Department". I was outsourced to Mercer or a similar company years ago. The reason you can't get a coherent answer is that none of my staff work for your company, or even in the same state as your company. We parrot answers to your questions from your company's online HR manual, which of course you've already read.

I'm Agatha and I'm the daughter of one of the founders of the company. Because I inherited a bunch of stock and have nothing else to do with my time, I've held on to this job for over 50 years. It amuses me to continue to refer to HR as "Personnel" because it drives the younger employees crazy. And if I really want to get on their nerves, I'll send out handwritten spirit duplicator memos rather than emails.

I'm the "personalized" form letter the HR generalist sends to people who are 1,000% qualified for the position to which they have applied to reject them. This letter tells them how much the generalist appreciated the candidate putting together a package of application materials and how much he/she enjoyed reading that package. Then the letter reports they have determined the candidate is not qualified for the position and therefore is no longer being considered for the position. .

At the end of this "personalized" form letter the HR generalist includes a link to other job openings at the company, suggesting the candidate look there for positions that are a better match for his/her skill set.

[quote] I'm 1982.

A banner year for many DLers as that was when time simply stopped

[quote]I'm 1982. Some of you seem not to have been in a workplace since me, or to work for companies that have somehow sustained work practices that most companies abandoned due to lawsuits not long after I was over.

Can you get me a job where you work? You must work somewhere amazing and/or are very sheltered because 95% of the stuff people have posted in this thread is no joke and goes on frequently in the workplace in 2020.

I'm the memo on new rules about decorating your cubes. Things have been getting out of hand.

R50 The “Dave” in the HR department at my last job was called The Grim Reaper. He actually did kind of look like it too.

I'm the film "Up In The Air" (2009). I want you all to watch it before the meeting tomorrow.

R67 that cunt Anna Kendrick in UITA is a prime example of HR whores. They’re the playground tattletales who think they’re getting into an honorable career, NOPE BITCH you’re covering up sex & financial crimes for the CEO and if YOU blow a whistle it’ll be from a ditch!

I'm the secret the office manager of my department must hold over someone in HR or upper management.

In my department of 12, they were hiring for a new head of the department. It was a coveted position and many outside people interviewed for it as well as a someone already working in the department. They ended up hiring someone from outside to be the new head, but gave the internal person who'd applied a consolation prize by creating a new position of office manager, essentially the second in command of the department.

This new office manager was great at her job. Our little department ran well, supplies were kept well stocked, time sheets and expenditure sheets got processed promptly, if you needed forms or other info from the company website, she could direct you to the proper place in an instant.

However, she still coveted the position of head of the department Therefore, she took every opportunity to sabotage the new head, did anything and everything she cold to undermine him. She wasn't above giving two people conflicting instructions just to create chaos. She also worked hard to create division within the office, angling people to either be Team Bob or Team Sarah (and then played favorites with the handful who were Team Sarah people).

After about a year, it got so bad, some people started leaving. In exit interview after exit interview, people said that Sarah was the problem in the office, that she deliberately created discord. Some people who were still on staff even got called into HR and quizzed about the situation and they confirmed the problem was Sarah.

Next thing you know, the people still on staff who had spoken against Sarah were being fired and Sarah got a raise.

Must be a doozy of a secret she's holding over someone's head.

I'm this dude. I was supposed to be terminated years ago but somehow it never happened. Every now and then HR people will come sniffing around my cubicle, but they back off when I fake dial the phone and ask to speak with an aged and retired former CEO. I'm the smartest son of a bitch in the entire building because I know how to play dumb!

R69 I could have wrote this exact same story only it was a different job title and a different department. This old fat fucker is a sociopathic troublemaker who hates his life so does everything in his power to make people who don’t kiss his ass as miserable as him. He has sexually harassed women, and when they complained THEY were fired. He has bullied colleagues who either ended up getting fired or quit. He loves to play divide and conquer in the department and if you aren’t on his “team” he has it out for you. Meanwhile the company will not fire him, even though he’s a walking liability. Many of us have finally realized that it’s obvious he must have some damning information on the company and/or someone important at the company because he should have been fired years ago.

My Pussy was raped and now I need to tell it

Im the annual mandatory "workplace issues" course from HR. Im complete bullshit because HR never actually follows the policies outlined in the course.

I’m the half assed internal investigation following allegations of ethical misconduct

I’m the sassy black bitches, slutty Fraus and the hissing bottom Queens who make up HR now.

We're the high staff turnover in our own team, but we get to give everyone else advice on engagement and 'culture'.

I was better when I was simply 'Personnel' and responsible for payroll and admin.

We're LinkedIn hits. Of a staff of 2800 is a dozen locations internationally, 85% of daily hits come from our HR department of 9 people because nobody changes jobs faster than HR staff, not realtors swapping brokers, not hairstylists swapping salons, nor substitute teachers swapping classrooms.

I'm the hundreds of job postings on the company website, which don't exist.... but it makes the competitors think we're growing.

I'm the Cubii sitting under Tammy's desk. Tammy's son bought me as a Christmas gift last year. I haven't been used since February and I'm now covered in Jolly Rancher wrappers.

I'm the gay HR generalist who hit on and sent dick pics to straight guys in the office. A manager caught wind of it and told the manager in charge of that department. The HR generalist gets transferred to a different division and the Manager who let the other Manager know was written up for not telling HR first.

I’m no longer HR - I’m now People and Culture.

I’d say “do keep up” but apart from the name change it’s the same old shit, right down to coaching leaders (nobody is a manager any more) to move around from their side of the desk to be on the same side as the employee with whom they are having a challenging conversation.

i know many guys, mostly straight, all corporate types, who find Up In The Air to be the most depressing movie ever. R67

I’m Donna in HR. I an undersexed and flirt with all the men despite knowing the rules, and if they’re gay and pointless, they’re gonna get hell.

R81 Did this actually happen somewhere you worked?

I’m Julie, the payroll specialist, who only works Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons. I don’t have a direct extension but you can email the HR inbox and they’ll forward me your query even though it could be sorted in just 3 minutes of talking to me.

I’m the combination pen/stylus/flashlight given out for Administrative Professionals Day.

I'm the sound of crickets chirping and the following look on their faces when the following question is asked of any of them:

"What exactly do you do all day?"

I’m the 1-800 phone number the HR Benefits Administrator hands out to any employee who approaches her with a question about benefits.

I’m the rapidly growing roster of HR department employees and consultants “onboarded” in recent months, despite the companywide hiring freeze enforced by that same HR department.

Why did we add two more recruiters if we’re not hiring?

I’m the University Recruiter. I go around to different schools wearing a shirt with the company logo, and while visiting, I set up a table filled with booklets, etc, and I try to explain why you should apply at this shithole of a company once you graduate. Unbeknownst to you, I’m currently doing my own job search hoping to leave as soon as possible.

I'm the tiny pin hole camera that Management AND HR has focused on the employee hotline poster so they know who jots down the number and when!

Caller, you in danguh, girl!

R92 the only way to anonymously report is if you’re sure others know and you don’t seem suspect. Report it to the website and use a VPN. Keep the description vague.

I’m the suggestion box in the lunchroom. HR had it installed to make employees feel “heard.”

The last time anyone looked inside me (six months ago), all they found was a paper clip and a discarded candy wrapper. Apparently, employees around here are smart enough to know that “anonymous” suggestions are never really “anonymous.” (See pinhole camera at R92)

I’m the affirmation that “it’s not personal” for a variety of things but it is very much so.

I'm the "taking-the-extra-step" award that employees can give each other for their daily demonstrations of the enterprise's core values.

Which is to say, I am a piece of paper that gets sent in to HR and put in a fishbowl for the next "engagement rally." If drawn, I represent the extra hour off, or the "VIP parking space," that the "winner" will be awarded.

I am the rare "winning" piece of paper (5% of less) that is NOT an award from one HR staff member to another HR staff member.

I'm the "Give a Wow!" peer awards program. Until you route them all to "JUNK" you will get about 100 emails a month about "Give a Wow!" nominations, special categories, and awards, one of which is a fucking $50 gift card!

I'm lazy and don't want any drama, so I'm horrified at the new "non-binary" token hire.

We're just asking for trouble!

I’m the pizza or Olive Garden buffet that management has HR bring in twice a year as a reward! Yay!

[quote] and runs squalling like a baby

Doing what now?

I'm the eyes rolling in the heads of the worker bees who delete yet another United Way voicemail marked URGENT.

R100: You know....squalling!

Christ, I need a Xanax after reading all these!

I'm the new Succession Planning eLearn that is compulsory for all managers, sorry, I mean people leaders, have to complete in the next 30 days. After 3 months, just like every other HR new and sparkly initiative, I am never spoken of again until the next external audit in 5 years time.

[85] [R81] Did this actually happen somewhere you worked?

Yes it happened to me. I think it was a ploy to hold someone accountable is a twisted way since he got away scot-free. Never cross HR females, they are c*nts and will f you up behind your back.

I am the new addition who’s secretly related to the boss although we barely acknowledge each other.

I'm the referral specialist for the Employee Assistance Program, a very important part of HR. If your marriage is breaking up, have a drug and/or alcohol abuse problem, questioning your sexuality, your gambling has put you deeply into debt, or workplace pressure is leading you to a nervous breakdown, you can approach me at any time to discuss your problems and I will put you in touch with various agencies who will help you deal with your troubles because a well-adjusted employee is a productive employee.

And don't worry, everything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence...at least until tomorrow when I have had the time to blab to as many people as I can and the entire company is gossiping about your woes.

I am the Feelgood Manager and I have no idea what the hell I am doing at this shitty company.

I am the HR Recruiter who will post a job offer online and wait three months to review the applications. I will be shocked to find out that the perfect candidate has already found another job and is not interested anymore. The audacity…

I’m the HR director who has spent so much time making sure people give guidance only to their direct reports or work only with those in their units that I have eliminated the collaborative atmosphere we were once known for. The new CEO spent a month in a transition period working with the outgoing CEO. At his first All Staff the new CEO asked the crowd why are employers afraid of collaborating and working on cross discipline teams?

Crickets.

I’m the patronizing tone.

I'm the massively oversized football jersey on the second in command HR person wears on Zoom all staff meeting days--to show I'm just like you guys

I'm a man, sorta. I mean I am a man but I look like Brian Posehn except I can't grow a beard, but I do have a law degree from a really shitty school.

My boss is a woman. ALWAYS a woman, wherever I work. She is on the Senior Leadership Team, and she is ALWAYS the only woman. I will never be on any Senior Leadership Team. Her married named name is Sanchez so she likes to joke that she "ticks three minority boxes" for representation among senior company executives (woman, 46, hyphenatedly white Hispanic.)

So come on guys, wear a team jersey on our big Zoom day. It's fun. And remember, I'm the one whose going to be doing the one-on-ones when it's severance package time.

I am not interested is the position or the interview process anymore. If I had know you were a cunt and have a sociopath for an owner, I would not even have applied in the first place.

God, corporate is so soul-draining.

Bitch. first tell me the salary and the benefits. I am a qualified professional, so let's not waste my time.

I'm the completely useless, well past its prime, please kill me now corporate culture that makes HR and marketing and PR necessary, because we are all dead inside and have no idea what else to do.

All of these posts are so spot on! It's like we all work for the same company.

I just got the annual "Workplace Giving" email that went out company wide. I find it hard to believe that they still want to pick our pockets during a pandemic when we all have family members that are unemployed currently and many of us will probably be let go after January 1. Of course it's for the Untied Way and 100% participation is "strongly encouraged". These fraus can suck my dick and kiss my ass. The division Workplace Giving Coordinator will be awarded a coffee mug with the company logo on it - joy!

I'm the passive aggressiveness.

I think putting a smiley face is 'softening' but it actually reinforces the sender is a cunt.

I'm the senior director of "total rewards." Not "compensation and benefits." I said "total rewards."

Apparently, this term refers to all the things beyond a mere paycheck that the joy of working at this company provides--or at least makes available--to all.

I am full of sh*t.

Are you a team player?

NO Bitch, and get my paycheck deposited in my account ASAP.

I'm the constant restructuring of the HR team, I mean People & Culture, I mean Employee Experience team.

I'm the HR Business Partner.

I'm overpaid and superfluous. Everyone else in HR that may actually do something, like payroll and industrial relations, hates me.

I’m the condescending tone

I'm the Tuesday Massacre waiting to happen.

I’m the HR associate who earns a referral bonus for recommending a job candidate who gets hired by the company—despite the fact that the referral bonus was intended to provide an incentive for NON-human resources staff to recommend promising candidates. That same HR associate also won the prize drawing hosted in conjunction with the HR-sponsored United Way kickoff.

Employees who object and/or observe that HR winning its own awards might represent a conflict of interest are basically told to suck it.

Meanwhile, the non-HR employee who accepts a fruit basket from a vendor at holiday time receives a stern email reminder (with the dreaded passive aggressive “smiley face”) of the corporate gift acceptance guidelines.

[quote]Are you a team player?

God, corporate is so soul-crushing. At my job, they weaponised "team player" in such a way that anyone could use it against you. "He/She's not a team player" would get you marked for scapegoating and eventual termination without evidence.

The reason HR is something to beware is that it touts itself as being for the common worker, but all evidence supports the fact that it is actually against those people should they ever question rightly questionable business practices. HR is the right arm of Management in exertion of its final authority in all work related matters. It's the main control mechanism. They're all counts masquerading as Skippy B Goode!

R120 Did we work at the same place? I worked somewhere where they called it that shit and I rolled my eyes every time it was mentioned.

R120, R129, I’m the “total rewards” propaganda campaign being rolled out by your HR department. I’m the latest scheme hatched by your company’s top executives (all of whom currently rake in seven-figure salaries, not including bonuses) to convince their grossly underpaid rank-and-file employees that the benefits of working for this wonderful company are too bountiful to be measured based on salary alone. (Translation: shut up and be grateful for that 1% raise you’re all getting this year!)

The following is an example of a total rewards taking point:

“While it may seem like you’re making 30% less than others in comparable positions with our competitors, that dollar amount doesn’t take into account all the other ways we compensate you, including (but not limited to) discounted Great Adventure tickets, free coffee in the break room, flowers we send when your close relative dies, and of course, your two weeks of paid vacation time (for those who stick around here for at least three years). When you factor all of that into the equation, the total value of your compensation package soars well above the national average!”

I’m the Ivy League grad who started as a temp and thinks he’s very important because the CEO said “hello” to him in the elevator. Soon I’ll be fired and I’ll temp again.

This is low key one of the best threads on DL. Because it's all so true.

I'm the team morale booster meeting. It's on Saturday at 8am, in the morning. Oh and it is MANDATORY.

I'm the subject line "INTERNAL/EXTERNAL REJECTION LETTER" in all the emails to unhired interviewees. My clueless author is unaware that the template should be altered when being sent to human beings.

I am the clueless (which is to say average) HR “coordinator/facilitator” who leaves the “performance notice/final warning” of an employee from another department, printed and unclaimed at the “community copy/communications center” for seven hours during an otherwise normal business day. I labeled the printing cover sheet “Final Warning” in 72-point font to help all the nosy coworkers find out what’s worth reading.

I’m an HR Generalist’s pussy, I look like an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich from getting railed by C-Suite executives.

I'm the Pulse/People Matters/360 degree annual survey sent out to all employees. My data will be used to drive the direction of the company over the next 12 months... or at least that's what HR says. In reality, data is cherry-picked to support the programs that we have already decided are going to be run.

I am an HR Screener/interviewer. I am so beyond stupid, I cannot ask technical questions to qualified applicants. It is like I do not know what this company does.

I'm the inaction.

I'm R135's employee laughing at the final warning as I sign it with a smiley face at the end of my name while thinking "Oh girl please! Don't nobody want this bull shit job but me."

I'm the book opened midway and laying page down over the HR manager's computer keyboard:

"Human Resources for Dummies"

“Please refer to the appropriate policies and processes”.

I’m the reply to any question an employee has.

^^^ “...and cascade this information to your entire team.”

— Missy M., Senior HR Coordinator/Policy & Procedure Specialist, SPHR applicant (“Well, what else did you expect a ‘Communications’ major from a compass school to do for a living?”)

I’m the robotic/non-human style of writing.

Bump

Mostly HR can't post a job when anticipated because the managers in the company's department requesting the new hire and being responsible for providing the job posting requirements, can't get out of their own way to follow directions and supply what's being asked for in the way needed and within the deadline requested (by them!). HR can't post a job if the unit's manager doesn't tell them what they want and by when, and provide it.

Yeah, I work for an HR. ;D

I am the HR director who was forced to write Diversity and Inclusion development into yearly evaluations at every level of employee in the company. We need to be higher on the Forbes list of best places to work. While promotions have never really been based on meritocracy, we’re taking away the illusion now.

HR is neither