Verbal abusive from parents---medication?

There are drugs but there are non-drug therapies - look for rumination-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (RFCBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

thanks r1.

Make the title of op Verbal abuse from parents-----before I get abuse for that!

I stopped valuing my parents' opinion around age 13.

I 'divorced' them about 20 years ago.

He's dead. She's dying.

I take Wellbutrin - which helps with the depression. I also take klonopin as needed for anxiety (maybe take it twice a week).

Had the same issue with my father.

It sounds like you are ruminating - which I think can be a symptom of anxiety and/or depression (fun times).

Hang in there OP. I know it’s tough.

Poetry may help in addition to the meds:

Lexapro is good for this. BUT it’s a bitch to get off of, should you want to.

Therapy, mindfulness, self forgiveness, rejecting the shit they dumped you...

Dumped ON you- reject it!

Propranolol. It's a beta blocker, iirc, sometimes used for stage fright. Also, in my experience, works to stop thoughts, traumas, from getting "lodged" in the brain. Also, iirc, it has been recommended for rape victims to lessen the trauma.

Many good suggestions here, but you asked for a medication and this one has helped me. Good luck.

What you're describing is OCD (variant: intrusive thoughts/ rumination), OP. Talk to a cognitive therapist, and only if that doesn't work try psychiatric drug treatment.

OP, there is no pill in existence that will cure trauma from past abuse. You need to find a good therapist and make time for regular sessions.

Thanks for all the advice. I am in therapy which helps but it is just virtual now with the pandemic. I guess the world turbulence and being at home too much has made it worse.

Me too OP. It sucks.

OP, before you try a prescription drug, I would recommend guided meditation, this one (posted) in particular. I tend to ruminate as well. This meditation (Michael Sealey) really addresses that specific problem (mulling over the same thing in your mind). Good luck. You're not alone in this.

OP I have a very good suggestion for you but not going to give it until you respond to your own thread.

What? OP is amongst us.

Didn’t see u there r11/OP.

Ok , here goes.

Revisit the scene of the abuse. Go the house or houses it occurred.

Try to “through the fire“ to the other side instead of running.

The loops will hopefully be punctured. New synapses formed around the event could help to release those loops permanently.

Also, OP, it’s not the turbulence but the extra time to think. Obsessive thoughts are helpful in evolution but you have to suss them out or they are no longer helpful.

The mind needs reconciliation. It has to have it. And obsessive thoughts are your mind begging you to reconcile them.

But the obsessive thoughts can become their own pathology and no longer are just the symptom.

Your mind needs to reconcile what happened and now that you’re an adult, it could be time to do just that.

Not a psych here, but been around enough crazies.

I see more abuse now than ever.

Respectfully, R16 / R17, I don't think it's necessary to revisit the scene of the crime.

Sometimes, you just can't make sense of or understand the whats and the whys of your childhood. Maybe ten years down the line, you can say, oh yeah - I see now. But in the here and now, better to accept a certain amount of uncertainty. JMO.

Look at a child who was your age around the time it happened. See how delicate they are and how much nurturing and encouragement they need to survive.

No picture them being mistreated. It’s like running over a child with a truck. If you went through that you deserve some sympathy and understanding.

^^^ very civilized way of expressing a different opinion.

Sorry, I can't recommend any medication for such a specific ailment, Norman. At least you have your taxidermy and your motel to keep you busy! Good luck!

Different things work for different people. I know someone who went back to were it happened and it’s changed everything for them.

At first, they were just wrecked by the visit(s) to the scene. Just an absolute wreck. But then it freed her. She was stuck, essentially, in a stage of grief and this gave her the chance to face it and get through something. She was able to move on.

Has anyone worked with the homeless population? I don’t have enough experience but will say that I see this certain type of condition sometimes where the person will either describe their abuse, “my father whipped me with a belt ten times a day” or will somehow communicate their trauma in a loud, or repeating way, sometimes muttering way, describe their family life in some way. They talk to themselves or an imaginary person about the trauma.

I don’t know if that makes any sense. But I always thought there was something to that. That many of the people we see on the streets is the end result of being severely mistreated as a child.

Look into PTSD treatment, OP. What you're describing are PTSD-like flashbacks.

There's a diagnosis called C-PTSD, or complex PSTD, that stems from long-lasting childhood abuse, including emotional abuse and neglect. Some of the same symptoms as regular PTSD and some different.

OP, I was having a similar problem and felt it was PTSD. I did about 8 session of EMDR therapy and it help a lot. Unfortunately it is not something that can be done over the phone.

I hope you can find peace, hang in there.

Sorry to read that OP. I have prescriptions for Lexapro and Clonazepam, exactly because of a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse from the mother. She's dead and I still seem to hear her mockery. The meds will help you get through the day, but self-reflection and therapy are the ways out of it, as you're doing. Keep going that way.

thanks for the kind words people

I think my main problem is that my parents were both perfectionists so everything we did as kids was wrong. I still carry that around with me like I do everything wrong. So when I make a mistake or do something I regret I can't stop hearing their voice and beating myself up for it.

bump

I also recommend going the therapy route before medicating. Because biological father abandoned her while she was carrying me, my "mother" verbally, psychologically and physically abused me for most of childhood until left for college. Stepfather was complicit because he did nothing. I tried EMDR a few years ago which seem to help and still use some of the visualization exercises. All the best to you OP.

[quote] I think my main problem is that my parents were both perfectionists so everything we did as kids was wrong. I still carry that around with me like I do everything wrong. So when I make a mistake or do something I regret I can't stop hearing their voice and beating myself up for it.

OP, my parents weren't really perfectionists, but they never really approved of that much. I turned out to be a perfectionist. My parents were "authoritarian." You can Google it yourself, but one of the products of an authoritarian parenting style is that children never get self-esteem. That's something I work on constantly.

r33 I have perfection problems too.

For instance I took a trip 2 years ago that went poorly. I still think about what I should have done differently. It's very hard to stop the thoughts. My doctor says I have to redirect my brain. It is a constant challenge though.

I take meds for ADHD and anxiety. What really helps is emdr therapy if you dealt with verbal or any other type of parental abuse. It was really helping before Covid. Now I just zoom with my shrink until we can open back up fully, but definitely try it.

So here I am, I've just turned 55 and don't drive. Driving is something I have quite a bit of anxiety about, and it's because I've been discouraged by mother's words.

[quote]For instance I took a trip 2 years ago that went poorly. I still think about what I should have done differently.

This is sort of funny.

What happened?

Like I'm going to tell you r37. You don't sound very sympathetic.

How old are you, OP? If older than, say, 30, it's high time to hand the insults and abuse right back to them.

"Honor thy father and mother" is moral, beautiful advice until that sort of hateful, abusive shi- becomes chronic. And once you hit adulthood, all bets are off.

See if they can dish it out AND take it. I think you deserve better.

[quote]Like I'm going to tell you [R37]. You don't sound very sympathetic.

SNIPPY. SNAPPY.

Sounds like you need to grow up # 1 and get a sense of humor # 2

What works for this abuse survivor: Propranolol twice a day. At bedtime, a few puffs of medical marijuana (prescribed for PTSD).

Hang in there, OP.

R37/R32/R35 not OP, but am curious about EMDR. Could you expand a little bit on your experiences with it?

To me it seems quite frightening as a concept (almost Clockwork Orange-esque), as well as expensive. But if it’s very effective and non-harmful, then I’d like to look into it as I’ve been highly recommended to.

For context, I have constant intrusive and obsessive thoughts surrounding childhood mockery/bullying from peers, estrangement from family of origin, my sister’s complicated disabling birth (she is now dead), and my father’s cold distant authoritarian parenting. Like I wake up thinking about all of it, and ruminating on faces and conversations. I have tried CBT & DBT with a counsellor as well as on my own a few times, and I can’t afford regular psychotherapy.

OP Therapy is what you're looking for. A good therapist will give you a safe place to talk about some of these issues.

Also recommend group therapy where you meet others going through similar situations. You can learn a lot by hearing how others have dealt with these situations. You can learn a lot by watching them heal and you'll grow and heal at the same time.

Along similar lines, 12-step programs such as Adult Children of Alcoholics can be tremendously helpful. Children of alcoholics are almost always verbally abused, as well a mentally abused. They carry that with them well into childhood and struggle to overcome those issues. Your mother may not have been an alcoholic (or maybe she was), but the trauma of the verbal abuse is the same. Again, the real healing comes from hearing others talk about how they've dealt with the abuse and learned new coping skills.

Plus, 12-step programs, as well as group therapy, offers a place to make friends with others who've been through similar situations.

Good luck.

OP, you might as well become an alcoholic.

Still blaming your problems on your parents after 30 is pathetic. Get over it.

R45 I’m blaming my parents at 27. Yell at me, next!

I had one hour and a half EMDR session with my regular therapist. My issue was not as serious, but it was about always hearing my negative and critical mother's voice at the back of my mind. My therapist tapped my knees rhythmically, alternating between them, while he guided me to memories in my past that were painful. I was in my forties, and the feelings from these memories had been haunting me. After this one session the preoccupation with hating my mother lost all its charge, and this was about 20 years ago. I have been on anti-depressants since before that, which helped in other ways.

There are YouTube videos on EMDR you might want to check out for now, just to learn more about it. The ones I saw have a weird tapping sequence that seems quirky; the tapping my therapist did was not weird at all.

I have the opposite problem. I've blocked out something that my mother said to me when I was in my early twenties. I was sitting at the dining room table. My father was not present. Out of the blue, she said something to me concerning me personally, and also my friends (as a group, not by name.) All I can remember was that it was so horrific, so insulting, that a half hour after she said it, it had gone from my memory.

I've come to terms with the person she was. I no longer meditate on her verbal cruelty. Maybe it's a good thing that I blocked out that conversation, but I sometimes wonder what the hell she said.

r40 abuse isn't funny and people's emotional trauma isn't here for your entertainment

[quote][R40] abuse isn't funny and people's emotional trauma isn't here for your entertainment

Oh, shut up, Mary.

You're not the only one who was abused by nasty parents.

Pull your socks up and get over the self-pity.

Hi OP, I have the same situation, except my flashbacks remind me of cruel things bullies said to me in middle school and high school.

I would use medication only as a last resort. First, please talk to a therapist. Maybe they can give you some mental tools to help you cope with these thoughts and memories. Next Thursday, I have my first therapy session ever, and this is something I'll be seeking help for.

I didn't say I was. I was looking for advice from others in similar situations. r50 You have just been antagonistic and snide throughout the thread. Ignoring. Why are you even reading this tread if that is your attitude?

good luck on your session r51!

[quote]I didn't say I was. I was looking for advice from others in similar situations. [R50] You have just been antagonistic and snide throughout the thread. Ignoring. Why are you even reading this tread if that is your attitude?

Why ask me a question of you're "ignoring" me?

all you want is a bunch of people feeling sorry for you.

As I get older I have realized how very deprived, neglected & abused I was when i was growing up. I’m not living in a happy situation, so maybe that’s why my past is suddenly coming back to haunt me. When I was growing up I thought I was middle class because my loud mouthed mother was always mouthing off about how we, the middle class, were getting the shaft. I realize now that we were poor. We had a roof over our heads but not much else. I never had fashionable clothes or anything like that. Everything was second hand, even Christmas presents.

My mother didn’t teach me stuff like what to do with my fingernails or toenails. I’ve had a manicure twice in my life & a pedicure once. During my first job someone told me to do something about my nails because they were all broken off & uneven. I made a joke about it, but really, I was embarrassed. I didn’t know how to file my nails.

I wasn’t taught how to cook or drive or even to tie my shoelaces. A teacher taught me how to do it in public school when I was in 6th grade. My mother would come visit & once asked me “When was the last time you flipped the mattress?” I said never. She went nuts on me. I said “You were the one who brought me up. You never told me i should flip my mattress” and she said “That’s something you should know!” Like we were all born with the natural instinct to flip our mattresses (especially when I was 4’10” ft tall & weighed 90 lbs — sure I was going to to go out & find someone to help me flip my mattress in my apartment, right?)

When I look back on my life, I just remember how bad it was. At the time though, I thought it was normal. As I got older & visited a friend’s house and saw they didn’t have ripped furniture and had roast meat for dinner & parents that didn’t ignore or constantly insult their kids, I started to realize things were not good for me.

Recently I told a high school friend about conditions when I was growing up — we had fleas in the house, not enough food, bad food, my teeth were all rotten, I had 1 pair if shoes for 4 years, etc, my friend asked why I didn’t say anything & I said, without even realizing I said “I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.”

Because looking back on it, the thing I didn’t want most of all was for people to know how bad I had it, or how rotten my parents were because it was embarrassing.

They were the only parents I had. I didn’t want anyone to know that I mattered so little to them. I wanted my friends & the rest of the world to think that I mattered. If I stuck to it & just kept trying to go forward, I would one day find someone to love & care for me. I just had to keep going & not get stuck thinking about how bad things were. I had to look forward to the future & hope it would be better.

But now I don’t have a future anymore. There’s nothing to look forward to. I put myself through college over a period of 20 years, I paid my own bills, I escaped my parents even though my mother was evil & wouldn’t help me. She just kept yelling at me but never taught me how to live or gave me help so I could leave & live my own life. It was rough because I was so small that people were always trying to take advantage of me or overpower me, but I stood up for myself. But I can’t really stand up for myself anymore because there’s no place to go & no escaping my situation now.

I don’t think drugs will help me. I think that you have a mental immune system, the same way you have a physical immune system and one day, both immune systems just run out. And that’s when stuff comes back into your mind about your past. It’s like there were mental fences you maintained to keep that stuff contained, but the fences have rotted away and the memories can get out now & overrun you.

[quote] I have perfection problems too. For instance I took a trip 2 years ago that went poorly. I still think about what I should have done differently. It's very hard to stop the thoughts. My doctor says I have to redirect my brain. It is a constant challenge though.

OP, please ignore the posters who are irritating you. There are people, like me, who would like to help.

The "redirect" advice sounds great. I would recommend guided meditations from YouTube. I always *hated* meditation, so, this is how I went about it:

Week 1: meditated for 5 minutes per day.

Week 2: meditated for 10 minutes per day.

Etc. Built up to 30 minutes, but not daily. My goal is 4X / week.

What helps is to not fight certain thoughts, but to "create a space" for them. Also, to realize that there is so much more inside of you than bad thoughts.

E.g., have you ever responded to an emergency in a surprising way? That's because you have all this stuff inside of you that you don't even realize is there.

[quote] I put myself through college over a period of 20 years, I paid my own bills, I escaped my parents even though my mother was evil & wouldn’t help me.... But I can’t really stand up for myself anymore because there’s no place to go & no escaping my situation now.

R55, your story is heartbreaking and I'd give you a hug if I could. It sounds like you have exercised free will if you put yourself through college, paid your bills, and escaped your parents. What is this situation that you feel there's no escape from? Is it a health situation? I hope you're not mulling this over, alone. It helps to hash things out. What's going on?

thanks to you all and good luck.

that sounds interesting r56. I listened to a guided meditation once but didn't know much about them.

My problem with meditation always was I'd just sit and think negative stuff. Maybe the guided thing could redirect my mind.

Overall there are some good people here on DL!

[quote] My problem with meditation always was I'd just sit and think negative stuff. Maybe the guided thing could redirect my mind.

Yes, that's exactly how it was for me (when I sat in silence and tried to meditate). After I got more experience w/guided meditations, I branched out to nature sounds, fireplace sounds, etc.

Journaling: same thing. I would write all kinds of negative stuff, bitching. I turned my journal into a list of things I'm grateful for. I use my journal for other things as well. But a journal can turn into a negative activity if you don't "redirect" it.

I also really am helped by certain types of ASMR. Some of the ASMR YouTubers have a really kind and gentle way about themselves that is very helpful. Especially if your parents were mean!

[quote] Is it a health situation?

Yes, I have a terminal disease and it impedes my ability to move around. Due to covid, I only see my doctors. I live with 2 other people, but the situation is somewhat hostile. So I’m basically alone. I used to have a big extended family but they all moved south & became insane Trumpers over the years. They do nothing but sit in front of a tv & watch Fox.

R60, is one of your doctors a therapist? If you have insurance, maybe it will pay for talk therapy. It's understandable that you'd be feeling down with a terminal disease.

Before Covid, I started seeing a therapist (talk). After Covid, we still do sessions by phone or Face Time.

This is too crazy for you to be handling alone in a house of Fox TV watchers!

Get help and post back here.

I didn’t have it quite as bad as others but my parents were extremely abusive and I’ve only just acknowledged that they were to myself. The poster who said it was embarrassing to have parents that hated you hit the nail on the head.

Hang in there, op. You are worthy of a good life for yourself whatever that form it takes. If you can see a therapist, then you should start. It helped me immensely.