Let’s be Theatre Majors

I'm the young queen who breaks into a showtune when asked a question! Everyone sits around and looks at me like they are just mesmerized because they are too afraid to tell me to shut up.

I’m the dismal job prospects.

I'm the 300-pound female who insists on doing nudity ... even in "Our Town."

I’m the theatrical society president who only campaigned for the post in order to enact spiteful, petty revenge against everyone who’s ever wronged me since Freshman year.

“Mr. Etherington wants to stage ‘Copenhagen’, does he? Not under my watch, bitch! That’s what you get for not casting me as Mama Rose last semester!”

I'm the fat girl with awful skin and glasses who can actually sing but never gets cast in a leading role.

I’m the diva who has a conniption fit at being cast as Carlotta instead of Christine in the setless, black box production of “Phantom”, despite being the living embodiment of Carlotta.

I'm the slow agonizing death of this "discipline". I'm painful to watch and inspire people to just pull the plug.

I have Stella Adler’s Pap smears pressed in my Bible.

I never heard of "Follies."

I’m the tension caused when a Patti LuPone fan and a Glenn Close fan are cast as the quarrelling leads in a kitchen sink drama. The slaps are not staged.

I’m the self-proclaimed musical fangirl who never shuts up about how much she loves musicals, but who only knows Wicked, Frozen and Hamilton.

I'm the overweight Jewish girls, who will never work as actresses, destined to have their hearts broken by the gay guys they fall in love with.

I'm the same dusty, tired-ass acting teachers still teaching Meisner and "The Method" year after year, even after 80 years of them not helping a single actor be interesting onstage!

I make fun of overused audition songs, yet I will never get a theater job.

I am the move to Hollywood after graduation where I end up working as a 411 telephone operator.

I'm the totally chill, good-looking straight theater major who is crushed on by all the girls, most of the boys and definitely the instructor.

"I'm a musical theater major at the University of Arizona"

Liza spits out her coffee laughing

I’m R16. When I came to this school, I had no intention of pursuing theatre as a career and was doing it for the ladies, but now that I found out I’m really good at it, I have changed my mind and will be more successful than any of my peers who actually like theatre.

[Quote]I'm the overweight Jewish girls, who will never work as actresses, destined to have their hearts broken by the gay guys they fall in love with.

Poor Melissa Beth Miller, maligned for her weight and her talents completely unappreciated.

[Quote]I'm the 300-pound female who insists on doing nudity ... even in "Our Town."

I’m the theater major who goes back to my alma mater every year to teach a master class where I can impart my industry wisdom on young, impressionable minds. I kind of leave out the fact that my career “in the theater” consists of being a manager of the multiplex in my hometown.

I’m the student who will, without hesitation, tell the insufferable, insecure, low-talent Queen @ R1 to sit down, and shut the fuck up.

I am the pile of dusty used condoms discovered in the dressing room of the visiting "professional" actor hired to show the students the real world of the legitimate theater. Every student wanted to have sex with him and he wanted to let them.

I’m the raging glare fired at actors who are still on book during tech week.

I’m the incredibly biased political slant that must permeate every show each term.

I’m the intense, rather plain young female wannabe in the NYU Tisch school, on the first day with teacher Olympia Dukakis, who asks her, “Olympia, where does your acting energy come from? Does it come from the exercises you perform nightly with your instrument? Does it come from studying Stanislavski and Grotowski? Does it come from the meditations you practice daily? Olympia, where does your acting energy come from?”

Without hesitation, Olympia spreads her legs wide, saying, “You want to know where your acting energy comes from? It comes from your CUNT HAIRS! That’s where it comes from!”

The girls were shocked. The guys were on the floor.

True story.

I'm the chair that everyone sits on backwards.

The youth of today would be confused by Olympia @r26. It isn't a wonder they cannot act!

I’m the endless sea of black clothes, worn both in rehearsal and performance.

I’m the instructor, whose failed attempt at a “career” consists of a handful of one-star 1990s movies, telling you to watch out for audition scams. As if a major with a 1% or less job placement rate is any better!

I'm the scarves.

I am secretly building my drag character, Patti LuMinelli.

I will reveal my learned talents on RuPaul's Drag Race.

I will be the first one made to sashay away.

I will then pivot to OnlyFans.

I’m the Gender Studies major who reviews shows for the school newspaper. I note everything that’s problematic about every production in agonising detail.

This thread should be much funnier than it is. But it's not, Blanche, it's NOT!!

I'm the massage lines.

I’m dramatic stage affectations learned in middle school that seep into everyday behavior and continue into adulthood. I make the oblivious thespian seem psychotic.

I am the over-annunciated speech that permeates even my casual conversations on campus.

I’m the voice teacher at UPenn who told me with intense 100% conviction that I would “run a film studio” in the future (note: this was in 2001. I sure don’t run a film studio. I was just taking the voice class as an elective).

I'm 30 Rock's Jane Krakowski making fun of insecure, needy theatre kids everywhere while acting for the cam-er-ah.

[quote]I am the over-annunciated speech

Oh, dear.

I’m Patti LuPone. Juilliard trained, and I’ve got the scars to prove it. ‘Nuff said...

Oh, and by the way, I don’t audition anymore. (That shit stopped 30 years ago). Ciao.

I'm the angry Goth girl on the stage manager path who always thrusts her fists against the posts, insisting she saw the theater ghost.

I’m the classic Sharpie markers used to highlight script lines. I come in a rainbow of lovely colors. 🖍

I'm the majority of successful actors and actresses, who were never theater majors and instead became successful through a combination of pure luck, connections, and being in the right place at the right time.

I’m the two overweight lesbians who did a horrific cover of “take me or leave me” from RENT acapella in 1999 at GWU.

R44 I’m the cocks said “successes” sucked.

0/10 Brevity is the soul of wit.

That's why nothing SUCKseeds like SUCKsess.

I'm the useless degree that isn't worth the paper it's printed on, and the regret that you feel that you didn't major in something that could help you get a real job when you give up the dream!

I’m the pop culture-obsessed theater major who simply isn’t smart enough to study math, science, or business.

Pardon me while I try out this English accent in everyday conversation.

I'm the subtle glancing at cocks, in the mens' dressing room, as my fellow cast members slip on their tights!!!

I'm the CONVICTION with which the obviously gay actor proclaims he's "straight"!

(And then he comes out on facebook a few years after graduation!)

I’m R16 / R18 who, after having an brilliant film career, several Oscar nominations and one win, am found dead in a pool of my own feces with a syringe sticking out of my arm.

I'm the passionate romance that blossoms between the two leads because they can't separate that this all MAKE BELIEVE and they AREN'T ACTUALLY in a relationship! Fuckin' method actor idiots.

I’m the musical theatre training program that teaches everyone to sing and sound exactly the same. If you sound unique, you’re doing it wrong!

I'm courses that should be required for graduation with a Theater Arts Major:

Waitressing 101

Barista Skills Lab

How To Create an OnlyFans Account

The Legalities of Using RentMen.Com

I’m the silver plated tray full of hors d’oeuvres that I carry every evening at my catering job. But it’s only temporary, between my Broadway gigs.

I’m the classmate who chooses the lyrics to “Wannabe” for my monologue instead of something from an actual play.

I’m the playwriting professor who’s given up cigarettes, so asks students to blow secondhand smoke in her face.

This ^^^^^ lmao.

Bwaaaah! R59

I’m the bedsheet being worn as a toga in “Antigone” that falls off during rehearsals. The flaming queen of a director throws a hissy fit at my wearer.

I’m the Jets in West Side Story, played entirely by women because not enough men auditioned.

I'm the obsessive fan who stage doors practically every performance of a shoes with her favorite star of the moment and vents on social media angrily when they don't come out.

Shows, not shoes. She's not Imelda Marcos.

I’m the girl who’s a better singer than an actress and because of the lack of male actors, always gets one of the male leads.

I’m the holier-than-thou student who rails against the abomination of recording theatrical performances but who privately collects every bootleg in existence.

R67 Especially "Beetlejuice!"

I’m that NYCB ‘ho who is protesting West side story because it employs a rapist. A RAPIST!!!

[quote] I’m the Jets in West Side Story, played entirely by women because not enough men auditioned.

That's similar to why the half the cast of [italic]Flower Drum Song[/italic] that wasn't Asian was either white or Hispanic and why a light-skinned black girl with more eye makeup than Dusty Springfield is playing Linda Low.

Or the opposite: I saw a high school production of "Curtains' where 80% of the cast was Asian.

I saw an all-white production of " Ragtime." Beats me why the concept didn't work.

I’m the barely closeted actor trying out for Six Degrees of Separation and I think it’s probably a good idea for us to practice the kissing scene before we’re called up to read.

We’re you given a nickname, r72, mine was WHITES On This Island.

I'm the flashmob in the quad that every other student ignores entirely. A few lecturers mill about to watch.

I’m the one trying to decide whether to get my MFA in acting. I heard Catholic University has a great program. Right now I’m getting my BA in theater from GWU. I wish I had gone to Tisch but I didn’t get in.

What could you do with an MFA in acting? Are you going to teach? better to get a job acting and get some life experience before you try to teach. If you aren't, get started on your life.

I'm the handjobs being exchanged by the twinks backstage.

I'm the bad day you'll be having working at the failing coffee shop three years after graduating with your MFA.

I’m a ghost of Samuel French.

I'm the genius who dresses up as the ghost light for Halloween and is furious because nobody knows what I'm supposed to be.

I'm the untalented guy who got into theater school because they didn't have enough men to fill out the class, and I have penis.

I’m the late stage entrance, that suffered an Armageddon of shrieks and scorn from the leading lady.

True story. I played Ambrose in Hello Dolly, and missed my entrance while Dolly was standing alone, center stage, waiting to sing “ Before the Parade Passes By”. It was hell to pay in the dressing room. 😱

I am the play developed In Committee by the students and the visiting professional.

All of the other theatre majors think I'm hilarious, while anyone who strays in from the general public is affrighted and dismayed.

I am R84. My name is Devised Theatre and I was never meant to be performed in front of an audience, but the actors’ clueless friends invited themselves and got what they deserved.

I’m the guy who got in because of his looks, the teachers say I’ll never make it as an actor because I lack the skills. I’ll barely graduate and I’ll struggle finding jobs for the next decade but somewhere in my mid thirties I’ll get the lead in a popular series.

Maybe not in America, R85, but NIDA is well known for inflicting this type of thing on the general public, who are allowed in to see most of the 2nd and 3rd year plays.

I'm the Type-A personality marginally talented straight girl who is nevertheless pushy and pretentious enough to become the director's pet, worm her way into becoming assistant director, and eventually outright cast herself in all the lead ingenue roles despite being plain as day and built like a linebacker.

R87 that’s insane! In college and grad school (in two different universities both in the US), we devised theatre purely for educational purposes.

They do have big-name writers or directors working with the students, R89, but the results still tend to make you think Peer Gynt wouldn't have been all that bad as an alternative.

I feel nothing!

R59/R50 well, thanks for deepening my depressive curve. That’s what I get for skipping my positively reinforcing affirmations and posting here instead.

R66 bitch, you lived my dream! I can’t sing but still always wanted to play Judas.

I'm the lesbian studying Theatrical Lighting.

Tech rehearsal day is like my Christmas. I wear my T-shirt that says I CAN LIGHT UP YOUR WORLD.

[quote] theater major who simply isn’t smart enough to study math, science, or business.

R50 so, what would you suggest people who aren’t able or inclined to study STEM do to enrich their lives and the world around them, then? Is it meaningless to write, or paint, or sing, or debate? Or should we all just become Walmart greeters if we can’t build a computer or an engine?

I am the three least talented female acting majors. We never get cast in any substantial roles so we are also the least skilled. For one hour of Special Problems credit, we borrow a friend's bedroom and do a site-specific performance of Genet's The Maids. The faculty was never going to let us on the mainstage, anyway. And we are never going to get the message

I’m the 8 billionth reimagining of some Shakespeare play.

I'm my friend's couch, which is where I sleep because I don't make enough money to support myself.

R97 your reimagining better be intersectional or it will be crap.

I’m the bisexuality.

Why am I just now being mentioned?

I am the defensive professor, who has to pop in here and explain that devised theater and acting techniques do not deserve the ridicule they are getting in this thread.

I'm the newly out Tisch freshman who makes a pilgrimage to the old Stonewall Bar site (the wrong one) and then harangues all the gays to "thank a black trans woman" for your rights.

I am the girl who is a bitch to everyone offstage, but because I am pretty I get cast as sympathetic characters the audience loves. Everyone reads my bio in the program. Thanks and love to Charlie!

I am the fat girl who is very nice and everyone loves me offstage, but I play bitches and whores onstage that the audience doesn't even remember me. No one reads my bio in the program. Thanks and love to Mom & Dad & Gary!