What age did you give up on trying to find love?

....

Cast your net far and wide. I had to look internationally for a bf and subsequent husband. I just didn’t mesh well with the men in my city and country.

I fell in love for the first time at age 29. He ultimately broke my heart, and I've never been able to fall in love again. I'm nearing 58 now.

I gave up in my 60s. I had two long term relationships - one in my 20s and another in 40s. When the second one ended, I just gave up trying to find another and tried to settle into my single-ness. I'm still trying!

[quote]Cast your net far and wide. I had to look internationally for a bf and subsequent husband. I just didn’t mesh well with the men in my city and country.

Did you pick up and move to another country to find love?

I will probably get trounced for pointing out the obvious, OP, but.... as a gay man over 40, the odds are simply not in your favor, and will become less and less so with each passing year.

We're a distinct minority in the overall population. There's a real scarcity of research on this, but see the 2018 article at the link.

I think you can look at this data and feel bad about the situation, or choose (as I do) to say, well, the problem isn't necessarily with ME. And I will never let my lack of a partner prevent me from enjoying my life to the fullest.

After many years of meeting up in our respective countries, yes, I decided to immigrate to be with the man I love. It wasn’t easy at first but now I’m established with a decent job and I’m glad I did it. It’s not for everyone. I enjoy adventures so maybe that’s why.

Oh and just to add OP, we didn’t meet for nearly a year. Just chatted and Skyped and got to know each other.

Many gay couples I know are very co-dependent. I have one friend who was with a partner for 6 years and found a new partner within 3 months after breaking up. He cannot be alone. Just amazing.

I'm ready for the Gore Vidal solution — a nonsexual affectionate partnership where both parties are free to get an outside piece now and then if they're lucky enough.

R6 a lot of those people in the single statistics grew up in a vastly different era. Just as the divorce and marriage patterns of Gen z and older don’t apply to millennial

57 give or take

Figure out what you may doing to screw things up. Do you have good habits? Are you fun to be with? Do you know how to compliment and just generally care about other people? Do you take care of yourself by having healthy, personal cleanliness habits? It's like when someone complains they have no friends. In order to have a friend you need to BE a friend. You need to put yourself out there and take chances. If you just sit there and wait for someone to come to you, you'll end up sitting alone forever. Do you have a list of must haves and must not have in order to be with you? Big things like no drugs, no smoking, must have an income are important. Things like their appearance (height, nice behind, blond, no bald guys, gotta have a Master's Degree) shouldn't be deal breakers. These times aren't great for finding new prospects but if you don't put yourself out there then you'll remain alone. If you have a few interests that can turn into a way to meet new people then take that route. Try a plein air painting group, yoga in the park, a book club, gardening club, stuff like that. You'll get outdoors and meet potential partners. Learn something new... ask for help, be charming, never whiny, complement others and be friendly without being creepy, i. e., be careful how you come across without seeming needy. Be a friend. Friendships can develop into more. Look for that 'more'. Check back on this thread in a few months and let us know how things are going.

[quote]I will probably get trounced for pointing out the obvious, OP, but.... as a gay man over 40, the odds are simply not in your favor, and will become less and less so with each passing year.

You won’t get trounced on by me - that’s why I created this thread - to hear the truth. I had a feeling it would just get even harder, so I wanted to know if there is even any point in trying after 40.

Keep trying. It's worth the time and effort. It's your life, your happiness. Never give in to dark thoughts.

R13 I’m decently attractive, I have a degree, and a job, but I just make average money. My biggest problem is that I live in a smaller size town and I rarely go out anymore because it’s hard to meet people. All I ask for is an average looking guy (doesn’t need to be a model and can even have a few extra pounds), needs to have a job, won’t cheat, and that the guy be enjoyable to be around.

I would love to move to a bigger city, but I just can’t afford it.

[quote] If you have a few interests that can turn into a way to meet new people then take that route. Try a plein air painting group, yoga in the park, a book club, gardening club, stuff like that. You'll get outdoors and meet potential partners.

R13 I was on that road but then this fucking virus hit. I don't think I can try anymore.

Never give up; keep an open mind, and an open heart. I was happily single for a long stretch, (16 years since my last relationship) I met a great guy a little over a year ago, and just turned fifty-one. Try to enjoy your own company in the process, and don't force things.

I'm 32. Never had much luck with dating. I'm open to it if things work out for me, but I'm not expecting it any more. Focused on my career and my friends.

Found it at 25. Never looked back.

Do you know the story of Shirly DeVore?

Everybody is different and has different circumstances but try to recognize any patterns of behavior that might be hindering your ability to sustain stable relationships. Have an optimistic attitude, don't make every single thing a dealbreaker, and don't give up. Also, look more broadly; volunteer, sign up at a gym, join a theater group, etc. These things usually resolve themselves and happen when they're supposed to.

Put yourself out there, OP. Get on a few datings apps (not Grindr) and say yes to anyone who asks you out. No matter how unappealing they are to you physically. Meet for coffee in a public place for 30-60 minutes to start and that’s it. No sex.

I’ve met some interesting people that way as well as some total losers. But, I found it interesting and had some nice dates out of it even with people I didnt find attractive to start ... I also discovered that some people are not photogenic but were cute in person.

I've had many short and long-term relationships and the one thing they all seem to have in common, is that the men I choose have all been emotionally immature or avoidant. I had to finally realize recently that I must be choosing this. It's my comfort/discomfort zone, having come from an emotionally invalidating family. I personally long for emotional connection and depth, and mutual support and mutual validation of feelings.

Every time I think I've done the work and will surely attract a different kind of relationship because I'm doing all this "evolving", I end up with yet another man who eventually invalidates and belittles me emotionally. Oh they are so sweet and loving and affectionate and fun...until I have a bad day, a sad day, or I'm feel anxiety about something, or god forbid, I have a legitimate concern or need within the relationship to discuss. They then--all of them--shift into defensive, gaslighting jerks.

I don't want to give up on love. However, I don't want to repeat this cycle ever again. I'm coming out of another one now, and I cannot believe it happened again. This is the oldest man I've ever been with and he is so defensive still and doesn't seem like he's mellowed or has insight. Just flips everything back on me. He has the emotional maturity of a surly teenager. Peoples' egos will sabotage intimacy if they haven't learned to be okay with not being perfect, with having mistakes or hurts brought to their attention. Until there's that humility, men will have zero tolerance for critique and are incapable of listening and validating another's feelings because they are too busy thinking of their next defensive comeback. Having to always be right vs. being present, compassionate and caring. It's such a waste of everyone's time when you can't even talk about anything and trust is ruined. They all act like it's a crime to ever say "hey, when you do or say X it really hurts me. " Seems so much easier to listen and care than to play ego games.

So yeah, I do feel worn out and disillusioned. I'm middle-aged. I'm sick of feeling hurt and dismissed.

R24 ... you need to talk to someone about why you always choose these emotionally immature guys ... or determine if youre playing a role that triggers that in them ... esp. if *every guy* youve been with turns out this way ... you are the common denominator

R24 Have you considered a slightly more mature (older) man? My partner is ten years younger, and happy with me.

I recently read or heard that 2/3's of gay men over 60 are single so we are out there...

I've thought about this lots lately. For me. I'm 58, have lived on my own for 30 plus years and like my independence. I'm approaching things differently as I would love to meet that special person but would initially (maybe 2 to 5 plus years) live separately. I'm fine with long distance and even in a different state. I feel I'm a catch and can offer a lot in a relationship.

The one thing that I won't accept is someone my age (or around my age) who has no retirement portfolio. Hun, you ain't living on my money!

So, don't give up and be hopeful. Be positive, confident and approach it from the view of just having fun - if something happens great, if not, no problem. I am fine with me!!

Lastly, it would be great if there was a dating site for us. I think silversingles is the closest but all reviews are bad and the advise is to stay away!

Heart broken at 28. Gave up looking at 30.

I'm almost 50 and I think I'm about to give up. I was married for 10 years to a wonderful guy and he died of a heart attack. I've dated since then but I haven't been able to find anybody as sweet as him.

R28: That’s a little premature, no?

I met this old dino gay a few years ago. I only met him to chat but he was still looking for love at 87 years old! WTF. He smelled like formaldehyde. Jesus. Give up, Grampa Simpson.

37.

R31, good for him. You give up hope you have nothing to live for.

R33 he died like a few months later.

No offense but are most guys on this site overweight, average looking blokes?

[quote]No offense but are most guys on this site overweight, average looking blokes?

Tell us about yourself first.

I think I finally gave up at about 45, none of the dates were working out and there were starting to be more and more sex apps and I just wasn't into meeting people that way.

R29 I'm sorry you lost him so soon. An older friend said to me once, after losing two wonderful husbands in somewhat short order, and reflecting: "I'd rather have 90-95% for a brief while, than 90 years of 25%. I hope that helps you feel lucky, and grateful. Anyhow, her words were something to that effect.

[quote]r33 he died like a few months later.

You could have had his stuff if you played your cards right!

I lost my 1st true love after 12 years at 34 (car accident) ,went years before Id even think about love again,then met my 2nd husband who I was with for 7 years before he died (MS). I said thats it,Im done with love. Yet deep down I still looked .Around age 45 or so I realized that I could still get the occasional fuck,but a relationship simply wasnt going to happen again. That was 14 years ago,and now I dont even get the occasional fuck . Cest la Vie.

Actually, R36, a pic is better.

R35 You must be new here. Al, of us old cats think we're better looking than we actually are, and we all pass for at LEAST a decade younger. Do try to keep up!

That said, I'm better looking than most, a top, and have "hidden" attributes, and know how to use them (it).

I'm kind, understanding, and interesting as well.

Interesting that several posters assume the "problem" is me, rather than the guys I meet. I do meet nice guys from time to time, but I lose interest in them pretty quickly. They tend to be shallow, or only think they want a relationship when what they really want is a fuck bud or a sugar daddy. Or, more and more, they are already married and just looking for something on the side. I'm not desperate, and while I'm willing to compromise, I'm not willing to settle for whatever comes my way.

I finally got married this year, one week before my 60th birthday. The first same-sex marriage recorded in this county. So don't give up.

Why give up on love? It’s the most delightful thing!

R44 Mazel Mazel! R43 Much of it, I believe is luck, or chance really. I do recommend the apps, that's how I found my new partner. I wasn't necessarily looking for younger, or an electrician, but then again I already knew preconceived notions about a "perfect" partner are really meaningless. He's thoughtful and kind. (as well as a hottie).

I turned 40 this year, and I'm done with the love silliness. Opened up my own business in 2020 and I'm putting all my efforts towards that venture. Business is good, love life was crash after crash after crash. I'm done.

Try the apps and ask your friends if they know any available singles. Once you are in a relationship or find that special someone, really give it your all and be as emotionally present as possible.

I think that if you haven't had at least one long term satisfying relationship by the time you're 40 then it is mostly likely never going to happen. For whatever reason you are not attractive to the people who you find attractive both emotionally and physically.

This is why heterosexual people would settle for someone they might not even like very much. Social and emotional needs to nest. Homosexual men don't have those constraints. Things have been changing a bit but not much.

R39 he was a university professor. He didn't have anything worth keeping. Just dust balls and broken dreams.

R25 I do say in within the first two sentences of my post "I realize I must be choosing" and have traced it in therapy to my emotionally invalidating family of origin. I agree, the common denominator is me.

It's just so tricky because I don't see it coming, the discomfort with emotional sharing/caring. It settles in later. There's that honeymoon period and it's only after that winds down, that the real work starts in relationships, and the task is to communicate respectfully, to listen, and to be responsive rather than reactive. It seems like no one can do it. Reactivity is the norm, I feel. I may be too emotionally sensitive or have too high of an idealized view of love to handle normal squabbles and take it on the chin. I honestly don't know. I don't tend to get triggered, until the OTHER person gets triggered or angry and starts to get defensive. And then THAT triggers me to feel emotionally abandoned and I feel unfulfilled. It's a super fun cycle.

I do take it back, though-- not every guy I have been with is a straight-up 10/10 gaslighting jerk. One guy I was with when I was young was not an arguer, he was really sweet. But they all have had a degree of discomfort with dealing feelings, expressing them, validating my feelings, understanding their own needs, etc. It's all been on a spectrum, from benign deer-in-headlights on one end of the spectrum, all the way to abandoning, selfish, gaslighting sonofabitch on the other end.

29 years old..when I found it.

Who wants to "work" at a relationship? Sounds too much like doing chores or homework. You're better off single, OP.

If you're unwilling to put much effort into a relationship it's doomed to fail. You want some whipping boy that does everything for you and offers no challenge, has no spark, and is just there to appease you? Could it be you have narcissistic tendencies? Take a good look at yourself because you are coming off as maybe a little lazy and unwilling to put anything into finding and more importantly, maintaining a relationship. Something is not adding up.

Honestly I think most gay men are so insecure they need a mate that will validate their insecurities.

That's a hamster wheel you'll never get off of.

At 40 and after a mid-life crisis wherein I reverted to my 20something sex binges and drugs for about a year, I knew I had to stop looking in the same places for what I already knew wasn't there.

I purposely sought guys who were not from the City or sceney.

Found the sweetest soul 60 miles away and over time allowed myself to just be with him. And vice-versa. 5 years later we're living together.

Try something/someone different. You owe yourself that.

I haven't. Although I recently got rejected by an elderly. I laughed.

When the internet took over. It revealed that men weren't looking for a significant other, unless that person could bring a lot of money into the equation.

[quote]When the internet took over

That sounds like a great idea for a schlocky late, late movie.

I'm 66 and have a new boyfriend as of the last few months. Was I looking for a bf? No, it was the start of the pandemic here in the U.S. and it didn't even cross my mind that I would find myself in a relationship. He just showed up and I followed my heart. I've been in a few long term relationships - three to be exact and a number of short-term ones as well. It seems when I'm not looking is when some guy enters my life and we take the ride for as long as it lasts. My longest lasted 11 years.

You never know what's around the corner. I'll put it this way, never give up - just stop looking for Mr. Right. Though, you might want to carefully read what R13 wrote, which may give you some answers.

R27 I agree with your thoughts. I have never had a relationship and I am 65. My professional job was my life along with my immediate family. Now that I am retired, there is no burning desire to find someone, especially with my independent lifestyle. In addition, I am not sharing my wealth with some bloodsucker.

i just turned 40, am in good shape, live in LA and have good sex when I am looking for it. I have always dated guys exactly my age, but I think I am going to start going for late 40's/early 50's. Right now I feel confident, but I also now time is really ticking. It's nice to hear about late bloomers finding love later in life. I've always loved the freedom of just traveling around the world by myself, exploring. I think I have always been looking for something or someone, but now I am seeing it's not there. Wandering around Europe during the holidays alone is starting to lose it's luster. I'm still working on some issues. I'm not going to go for a serious relationship until I can reciprocate what I want.

r60, so you have 10 good years left. And don't want to share your wealth with a 'blood sucker'? So money is your blood?!

You'll die alone and no-one will care.

Most Americunts will die alone. It is the nature of being the biggest cunts of the world, baby.

Love is a crapping horse 🐴

He'll leave his money to his immediate family who if they have been there all along for him is just as it should be. Had my father lived he would have taken all the family money moved down to Florida and spent it on any woman who spent her time with him. Thank God karma interceded and cancer struck him down. Even my sister said we dodged a bullet.

I just turned 51 and I realized recently that it's not going to happen for me again. I've had a few relationships that lasted 5,1,7,1 years. I'm a lesbian and all of them were with women who seemed to struggle with their own sexuality. I just realized I will never find another woman who is like me in how I approach and view love and life. I suppose that's a good thing that I recognize this now. I'm the one in the relationship that does the romance...the small gestures, the thoughtful gifts, the making the other feel good. I'm the one that initiates the sex, that writes the poetry, that opens up myself to being vulnerable. I've had one girlfriend who was similar to me, but it didn't work out as she was poly and married to a man. That was 6 years ago and while I miss sex, I also recognize that most human beings simply fear intimacy and it's something that I want/need in my relationships. I have finally realized I'm very different from most women and frankly, it makes me sad. I just don't see the point in searching anymore.

For me, life has become better now that I'm getting older. When sex and looks take a back seat to wanting to spend time with people for who they are, not how they look, spend or perform, life is nicer Nothing beats having great friends, whether they happen to sleep next to you every night or are platonic. Once you stop stressing over relationships past and present, you might be able to find 'the one'. 40 is a sad age to consider quitting. Lighten up. You have what may be another 40+ years ahead of you. Do you want to spend them all alone? Stop judging and start living. You can get out and at least find a good friend or two. One could grow into a relationship that's perfect, but you have to at least be open to this and keep trying. Get up off your butt and get out there.

Are people still hitting up apps with this pandemic shit going on?

I'm 29 going on 30. Never was able to find a relationship. Dropped weight worked out--still ugly. I've become an old bitter queen at the ripe age of 29. I give up.

R66 That is gross. No one needs to read that.

Don’t give up.

I’m 40 and single too. I think anyone here telling you that you won’t find someone is full of sh*t. They don’t know.

A lot of days I feel hopeless but unless you are content with being single (it does not sound like that’s the case), then you shouldn’t give up.

You just never know. Look at these lovely people posting they found someone in their 50s and 60s. What if they had given up at 40?

I have faith in you OP. Even though I’m some random stranger on the Internet.

R69 It's solely your choice to become a bitter old ugly queen, (to use your words) You can also easily choose to become the most beautiful person on the inside. Cultivate your charms, be kind to others, think of others rather than pitying yourself.

It may not be easy for you to make such a shift in the beginning, but hopefully you will come to enjoy focusing on positive things, and making others part of your focus. Find an endeavour to be proud of. Make a difference. When you rid yourself of the ugly on the inside, your vibration shall rise, and people will be drawn to your light.

It's like getting pregnant. Sort of. I was 40 when I gave up on the idea of ever being in love. Totally gave up. Then a few months later I met a guy with whom I ended up in a long term relationship. When that ended, very amiably, I thought that that was that. Gave up again. Then met another guy, once I knew it could never happen again.

Life is weird. The moment you predict the future, you enter into a random zone of right and wrong. Because, in fact, you can't predict the future.

At about 42 I started to make real plans that I may not be in a ltr again. Gave up on dating altogether at about 46. Got a dog and am pretty happy.

R62 You are the reason I won't die alone.

R66 = retarded queen who thinks that we are supposed to hate lesbians and probably still calls them "fish" . I found her post touched a lot of points I could totally relate to . I love my lesbian sisters and say that have a place on here as much as anybody . Give that tired shit a rest,queen .

I have been with my partner now for 17 years and can honestly say i envy single people.

Never give up, bitches. Your soulmates are OUT THERE!

R78 Oh my god ,those veins are REPULSIVE. Wich is a shame because hes quite hot otherwise.

Thank you R77. That perspective is always appreciated.

I would say: plan / live your life as a single person. Don't be stashing things away into a figurative or literal hope chest.

But don't be jaded. Be open to a relationship.

Even long-married people become single. I watched my mom become single after my dad's untimely death. It happens.

I’m a handsome guy—but NY gays made me believe I was the ugliest man to ever exist.

That really screwed with my mind to the point that I fear even flirting.

It’s taken me years to feel good in my skin.

I just think it’s too late for love. I’m having plenty of sex but just never learned about dating

R82, IMO, "dating" before sex is kind of a myth for most people. In reality, I think people have sex right away. Then, if they want to see each other again (for sex and/or companionship), then they do activities (outside of the house) together. Those activities are "dates."

28. I'm now 29.

I've never been in a relationship and the guys I date get scared off by the second date. They have no problem fucking but spending an extended amount of time with me is out of the question. This is the best I may ever look, if they don't want me when I'm young then I doubt people want me when I'm older. I've even been open to guys around 45 and still no luck. They usually want a sugar baby but I have a great job and my own money. I figure we could bond over that, but still no.

I'm told I'm attractive but I just don't believe it anymore. Not fat, in shape, no short, face is a solid 6/7 out of 10.

(r10) Would you only consider that kind of a partnership with another gay man? And if not, with whom would you be willing to partner up? Straight man, straight woman. lesbian?

There is no shortage of hot, sexy guys out there. Even I can get laid. The problem is that when you try to talk with them most guys become idiots. They cannot converse on any subject. Other than fucking, I can't find any pleasure in their company. God knows what they think of me -But they don't rush back for another date either. I think they just prefer video games to people.

I'd love to hear your story, r3. Is that no one could live up to your ex? Did you just decide to not go through that again? Were you looking and just never found that special someone?

I have a friend that falls apart every time a guy breaks up with him. He still ends up meeting and possibly dating someone new every two to three months after a breakup. The worst part about being his friend is that he will cry to me about his heartbreak but never stops his pity party to acknowledge that over the past 4 years we've known each other I have never had a boyfriend.

I even remind him of the fact that he always finds a new guy, which he dismisses. Like clockwork, another one comes into his life. He gets completely invested and cuts me out until the inevitable breakup.

Some ask is it better to have loved and lost or never loved at all. I think love and loss is better because at least you got to try out what the rest of the world has been raving about.

My mother has been single since she divorced my father in her late 20s. Every day I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to following in her footsteps, minus the marriage. I moved to a big city hoping for something new, but I just ended up with new friends and no man. I'm in the same place I was before but with higher rent and more gay couples reminding me that I'm still alone.

16.

It's a long story, R87. The upshot is that he cheated on me, felt guilty so he dumped me. Then begged me to come back, and the day I did he dumped me again. Then he felt even more guilty, so I had to become the bad guy -and he outed me at work and filed false criminal charges against me, causing me to lose my job and have to file bankruptcy. I felt (and was) betrayed on every level, and my heart has never been able to get over that. I've dated a few times since then, but I never feel anything anymore. I refuse to say, "I love you," to someone if I don't mean it.

"I’m a handsome guy—but NY gays made me believe I was the ugliest man to ever exist."

I've always found this to be the case. The "scene" as it were, here in NYC, is fucking gross and the venues where men tend to congregate can bring out the worst in the them (bitchy pack mentality).

I lucked out hard. Met a really handsome, sexy guy at The Eagle. He was a social worker from Staten Island. Not rich or hip or upwardly mobile. And aside from the physical attraction we seemed to have absolutely nothing in common. It was hard in the beginning. I had to dismantle my own pretensions and insecurities - but he was patient. We've been together now 18 years. Married for 9. He is such a wonderful, soulful man. Probably better than I deserve.

I guess the point here is to DEFINITELY look beyond immediate circles and check boxes. My miserable single friends who say they want a relationship have a list of "don'ts" that is ridiculous. I kinda had one too back then.

Honestly, you really just have to throw your check list and physical requirements out the window. Don't be shallow, be grateful for every date that you get, and give it your all. Don't give up!

It's hard for me to reject guys I'm not attracted to r92.

[quote] I have a friend that falls apart every time a guy breaks up with him.... Like clockwork, another one comes into his life. He gets completely invested and cuts me out until the inevitable breakup.

R88, you need to cut this "friend" out of your life. Get some self-esteem and move on from that "friendship" or you will end up a doormat for life.

Honestly? I got burned by an affair was I was thirty-six, or thirty-seven and never got back on that horse. That was twenty years ago.

I've never been happier.

I was ready to settle after 15 years of finding a lot of 'alrights' but not what I was looking for.

Then at 48 - BAM, it happened. I met my match - he is not what I expected as he is 13 years older - but he's the one.

It's been over 2 1/2 years now and no issues, no problems, just good times and love. I'm lucky as hell.

I gotta man for 28 years. Like the cliche says: i wasn’t looking & then there he was ! So go on OP - enjoy life , say yes to life & just enjoy a date as an interaction with another person - if you like their company then that’s all you need - until real estate comes into it!

[quote]"I’m a handsome guy—but NY gays made me believe I was the ugliest man to ever exist."

Yeah, no.

NO ONE can "make you believe" anything about yourself without your approval. Maybe you are as shallow as these "mean gays" you describe, so you really depend on their lousy opinion of you? Get a backbone and toughen up, Mary! Stop being so shallow and quit worrying about what people think of you, it's none of your business!

This is the DL Love guru from R97 The one thing I had to do when i met my husband was let him be him. Ex: instead of dislike or discredit his love of broadway (we see everything because he loves live performance) i had to enjoy that about him. It’s still not my thing but i go to with him because he loves it. Everyone has things we can cancel another for but i say don’t do that. (Not talking maladaptive shit). It seems obvious but many new relationships end on silly reasons that should be embraced.

Love R96 and R97. Thank you for giving us hope.

When you least expect it, love will find you

Focus on being content with yourself, and once that happens, love will find you

OP listen, you need to take a massive, hero's journey dose of psilocybe mushrooms and trip balls for 8 hours. OK maybe not a hero's journey, but enough that you can't be in public because your behaviour is too weird. In the aftermath of a big psilocybin experience, for many people the brain behaves as though it is suddenly much younger and you can dump a lot of the encrusted, entrenched, decades-old thinking patterns and beliefs that are the only thing holding you back from finding contentment -- for a while. Long enough that the many possibilities and available potential partners you simply can't see in your current state will make themselves known, at least.

I never really gave up looking but I did get tired of hating myself for not living up to the unattainable standard of the perfect love object. I decided to work on myself in other ways than my fuckability, like becoming more emotionally stable, better at listening and communicating, and just in general being less of an ass and more of a decent human being. I still haven't met the love of my life but I have a lot more friends.

Everyone who says you have to throw your checklist away is right. I was always attracted to dark, Mediterranean type men. I had given up on a LTR when I met my now husband. Long, blond, unkempt hair but a nice, handsome face. He had a messy apartment and I was a neat freak. He was a terrible kisser (but he got a lot better with coaching.) He was opposite of what I was looking for in so many ways. I was 37 and he was 41 when we met. Still together 20+ years later.

My favorite thing about having love in my life is having someone to split the mortgage with. Aside from that I think you are being spared if you are single.

What a total downer of a thread! Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy!

[quote]When you least expect it, love will find you

I don't mean to pick on the poster who offered this bit of wisdom, but imagine saying, "When you least expect it, a rewarding career will find you." Or money. Or a university degree. Or a beautiful home.

We make our own opportunities in life. You can't count on love, but you can maximize your opportunities to meet people, engage with them, flirt with them, converse with them, sleep with them. Which may lead to love--or not.

It sure seems like most gay men do spend a great deal of their life being single. Not that is a bad thing but maybe being single actually is a more of a natural state.

I knew a guy who was so desperate to be in a relationship that, for him, a second date was a marriage proposal. Quite literally on a second date he would refer to the new guy as his partner. The problem was he had a new partner every 4-6 weeks. But each time he assured his friends that "this was the one" who would be forever. The poor guy had a lot of issues, but I have seen a lot of guys like him who simply cannot bear the thought of not being in a relationship -even a very bad one. As for me, I'd much rather be single than having to deal with the misery of a bad relationship.

A few points to ponder: A. some of the people here are worried about who will take care of them when they are older. Statistically, unless your partner is significantly younger than you, the odds are 50/50 that you will take care of HIM until he dies, and then be left alone to take care of yourself. B. It has always been the case that gay people rely more on their friends to fill the needs that others use their families and/or their partners for. A good and loyal friend will step up to help you in your hour of need, IF you have stepped up and helped him or others of your mutual acquaintanceship. C. Many partnered people fail to maintain their circles of friends, feeling that their emotional needs are being met by their partners. That's short-sighted and dangerous (see A. ). D. It's never wise to feel that you are an incomplete person unless you are partnered. If you can't find pleasure in your own interests and your own company, you are unlikely to be interesting to other people. It's best to continue learning, growing, expanding your interests and your friendships until your dying hour. COVID has hampered that a bit, but most of us still have cell phones.

Referring to someone as “The One” is frau-esque.

The time for love is anytime... when your heart is ready you will find that Spring is really just a state of mind. Some flowers blossom late but they’re the kind that last the longest.

Someday someone will walk into the room and in no time at all you’ll be in bloom and that’s the timeless wonder of the time for love.

R96 here - my partner was previously married to a woman. He came out 10 years before I met him. I wonder if he'd grown up in the gay world if this would have worked.

But - he's the most amazing guy. Handsome and great body (upper 1% in his age range according to his health check-ups); he's loving, artistics, caring to a fault, and has amazing energy and a child-like view towards the world still. I'll take that over somebody ready for the grave. He acts much younger than me - and that's great.

A side bonus are his two pretty awesome sons. I always wanted kids somehow but missed the boat. Now I get some step-sons and some step-grandkids that are coming soon. (His oldest who is 30 had to postpone his wedding due to COVID but they want to start with kids ASAP).

I can't imagine how lost I would feel without him if anything should happen. But I do know this - I'm so grateful for the time we've spent together.

Fingers crossed. He has a handful of annoying traits, but it's nothing major - e.g. he likes to pick up almost any and all flyers/promotions; he says hello to EVERYONE it seems; he doesn't wear sunscreen because he thinks he doesn't need it and it's girly (he tans really well). Oh and he likes to buy junk food more than I'd like in the house. But - that's fucking nothing serious.

Don’t give up. People come back into circulation all the time. I always seemed to find my best relationships when I wasn’t looking.

R114 - that's true. Good people go back into circulation often with a better understanding of themselves and what they want. God knows they were told everything that was wrong with them during the breakup.

Would I have a better chance at finding love if I laid down naked on a busy sidewalk with my legs open and a sign that said “Free Bussy”?

I haven’t given up on finding love, however, I’m not unhappy being single, either. Whatever makes me unhappy is usually something I’m able to change by gaining perspective and maintaining some semblance of objectivity, if that’s even possible when evaluating one’s own life.

I believe I’m actually a pretty decent partner in the sense that I’m capable of hearing constructive criticism if presented kindly or better yet, via humor that isn’t abusive, and I’m also willing to admit if I’ve fucked Up or am behaving in ways that are objectionable by my partner. So those things are huge pluses but those qualities usually are skill sets acquired through making mistakes through many years of trial and error.

That said, I don’t believe I would have been an ideal partner for an emotionally healthy person, 15 or even 10 years ago, which is why I haven’t given up on love, since I literally become a better potential partner for a good guy, the older I get.

He’s out there somewhere, as am I, and either we will eventually meet and give it a shot, or we won’t.

Falling in love and having that reciprocated by the person we fall in love with is something that we believe we have more control over due to dating apps, or behaviors we adjust in the belief that doing this or doing that, strengthen our odds for “falling in love”, but here’s the bottom line, regardless of it all: it all comes down to timing and chance.

If you already met the man of your dreams, you’r extraordinarily LUCKY. If the relationship has endured through the years, you’re not just lucky, you’re partner is, too.

Yeah, relationships require some work, but if you’re not an asshole and you meet someone who also isn’t an asshole and that designation or lack of it, is sustainable and consistent, then you either had emotionally healthy parents or you had a LOT of therapy.

The work starts with ourselves and if we can’t have a relationship with the person staring back in the mirror, then we’re just engaging in codependency and fear, as are our beloved.

Thanks for all of the responses (and keep them coming). I’m currently drunk and looking at people I know on Instagram who are partnered and look so happy and so I’m throwing myself a pity party wondering where it all went wrong for me and why I’m jinxed when it comes to love. My life feels so empty and lonely. I feel so pathetic how my life has ended up. All I want is to experience love and it looks like I never will.

Don’t believe the images. Often the most OTT affectionate couples are hiding pretty toxic relationships or maybe trying to convince themselves?

Agreed R119. The truly happy couples I know don't constantly post about how happy they are.

gotta love yourself first and treat yourself right.

[R13] Not OP, but am also learning from this thread. What behavior constitutes "whiney" or "charming"? I feel like there is a tacit understanding amongst most people, but lot of us grew up hard-scrabble and had to learn to decode social cues the hard way. My observation has been that unless someone has a markedly dull or unpleasant personality, their perceived "charm" directly correlates with their physical beauty and possession of other desirable attributes (money, social standing, etc.). I hear people who I consider "charming" bitch about B.S. situations that would annoy most people, but when they tell it it's just seem as news and not "whining."

I'm in a LTR at 50+, but if/when this situation ends-- if I'm still around-- I don't think I'd have the energy to meet someone else and build a relationship. Thus far, my best times meeting relationship-eligible people have always been through ongoing, routine contact with a cohort of people (e.g. school, work, affinity groups like a cooking class or technical guild I'm affiliated with). Friends-of-friends are very good conduits for expanding the network. Love has typically found me when I was just going about my business and not "looking.". Another karmic joke has always seemed to be that once I'm happy with one fella, that piques the interest of more. Seems to be a pretty common thing, and my friends used to joke about getting a surrogate just to get that happy, attractive glow. One last thought. The man I'm with is someone I once privately considered and dismissed, having judged him as having "too much baggage" before becoming more intrigued and actually getting to know him better. Good luck.

....

In my experience, and observation as well, one does not "try to find" love. Be open to people generally and one of them will eventually draw extra attention, admiration, fascination, attraction and you might fall in love. I tended to fall in love while after being with someone for quite some time. Love at first sight happened but it didn't work out - either never took off at all, or didn't last long, or the beloved didn't love me in return.

When I got to the point where **I** wouldn't even do me ... .

I've never met a man that added value to my life!

[quote] I’m currently drunk and looking at people I know on Instagram who are partnered and look so happy and so I’m throwing myself a pity party wondering where it all went wrong for me ... I feel so pathetic how my life has ended up. All I want is to experience love and it looks like I never will.

OP, grow up. Get off of Instagram. If, by now, you don't realize that Instagram, etc., are fantasies, then you are gullible. You are wasting your life not appreciating what you do have. Stop being a damn crybaby. It's unattractive.

Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides.

R128 I know you’re right. Like I said I was throwing myself a pity party last night. I’m not gonna lie though - I do fall for the “my life is so wonderful!” pictures people post on social media.

OP social media isn’t real. We all fall into that trap but we have to remember.

The people I know in healthy relationships don’t need the validation of social media. It’s all a performance.

Just imagine them obsessively checking their photos to see how many likes they got. That’s what I do.

I gave p some time in my 40s. I never fell in love with anybody and nobody fell in love with me. After a time, I stopped looking for love and started looking for sex. Then I stopped looking altogether.

Where are you all finding dates?? I live in NYC with a million gay men and rarely find dates. Sure, I can find sex in a second but a date seems next to impossible.

Where are you all looking?

When I first came out, I measured my self worth in how often good looking men looked back at me on the street.

In NYC, it’s was terrible walking down the street in Hell’s Kitchen or Chelsea and no one looks back. Soul crushing in fact.

As I’ve gotten older, I don’t look so much for that kind of approval (but relationships usually start with mutual attraction, right?). I’ve also given up finding someone who loves my physical features. The weird thing is I’m not freakish or ugly but gay men just don’t respond to me at all—women, however, are all over me. I can’t explain it.

Because of that, by this point in life, I’m destined to be alone. It sucks.

Maybe we should all just leave NYC?

I feel like it’s part of what is keeping me single. I know you can’t blame a city but it feels so much more difficult here. For so many reasons.

Try living in Topeka if you want difficult.

[quote] I've never met a man that added value to my life!

That's why they say: "I can do bad all by myself."

[quote]I knew a guy who was so desperate to be in a relationship that, for him, a second date was a marriage proposal. Quite literally on a second date he would refer to the new guy as his partner. The problem was he had a new partner every 4-6 weeks. But each time he assured his friends that "this was the one" who would be forever. The poor guy had a lot of issues, but I have seen a lot of guys like him who simply cannot bear the thought of not being in a relationship -even a very bad one.

Do you know whatever happened to him and whether or not ever found love?

I’ve been single for four years. I’ll be 40 in a few years but I’d like to think the right man is out there. That I’ll meet him offline/irl in what I consider to be natural circumstances. I know it sounds old fashioned.....It could happen any day and when I read this thread there are plenty of others looking for a relationship with a decent person. I’m not giving up hope and I put my intention out to the universe. May it guide me. Trying to live life with an open heart and open mind.

R137 - I finally had to get him out of my life. Too much drama, and too many lies. He pretended to be super rich, mooching off everyone around him with promises of future wealth. He also pretended to have only weeks to live, so that people would take him in and offer to help him -while he, in turn, would "put them in his will" so they would have all his money soon." Turns out he was on drugs and dealing them on the side. Last I heard, he was in a halfway house. I don't know how he ended up like that. He was handsome and hot, and had a lot to offer when he wasn't lying about himself.

I agree with what everyone is saying: nothing is going to happen if you just sit around feeling miserable. You need to put yourself out there on the line in some meaningful way.

Unfortunately, instead of dating as I came out, I just went to bathhouses.

I didn’t learn about dating at all and only see other men as sex objects.

I will never find love because I have no idea how to find it

OP here again and depressed and lonely on this Saturday night. I’m too shy to meet new people at my age. I guess I just need to accept loneliness is my life forever.

OP it is a global pandemic. Cut yourself A LITTLE slack? No one is really out there meeting people right now.

R143, guess again.

Gays are still hooking up. Check Grindr

During a pandemic, R144?

Grindr should change its name to GrimReapr.

Yes I just think OP shouldn’t be so hard on himself. I empathize and I think the same shit about myself but the reality is that it’s a pandemic and we should all be a little kinder to ourselves. Especially with the negative self talk (again I’m an expert at negative self talk when it comes to myself).

Don’t give up hope OP.

As long as we are being kinder to ourselves, could we also be kinder to each other?

^^^ Don't you have enough problems without sticking your nose in here, Ellen?

I think you should live your life with the goal of being happy either way, but I would not harden my heart against love because you never know what might happen. In my personal experience, once I accepted that I might end up alone, and I mean TRULY accepted it and knew it would be okay if that happened, I met the love of my life...and it’s been more than 25 years! But I believe that acknowledgment that I might be alone and believing I could still be happy was a necessary step somehow to clearing a way for me to meet someone.

But, as everyone else has pointed out, you should not stress over this during a pandemic when you really can’t meet people or socialize anyway.

gave up two years ago at age 48

Tip for younger (or older) guys still using the dating apps, take your time. Funny enough I used to rush towards first dates like a 30 year old woman rushing down the aisle to get married. I've found that you can really break through a lot of the disappointment and hurt by taking it slow. For instance, on Tinder I like to get through at least 2 weeks of chatting on there. It sucks compared to texting on my phone, but it really helps you flesh out your mutual interests. Talking on Tinder is a pain but if he's willing to keep that up then he's interested. With COVID, there is no reason to even rush towards a health risk of a first date. Use this to your advantage! No need to even trade cell phone numbers one day two of a brief conversation.

I've had a few red flags show up via taking things slow and talking to a guy via chat. The goal should be to get pasted the superficial questions about interests, travel, dogs, movies, etc. You want to really get to know their personality and communication style. Does he take 24 hours to respond to a simple comment or is he constantly waiting for your updates. Are you guys having actual conversations on there or just the occasional messaging like an old fashion telegram?

Some people like the validation of speed of dating. First dates may not mean crap to them. For a long time, first dates were used as my validation that someone liked me enough. Under a week of talking I would have already exchanged numbers and set a date. I was treating my dating life like a timeshare pitch, just reel them in and hope for the best. Also, be patient. Yes, you matched with a hottie but no amount of refreshing the app or long string of multiple text messages will get things moving faster. Have some restraint and patience. If it's meant to work it will work, if not keep calm and carry on. Don't sit by your phone like a teenager. This is not to say that I don't get excited when I see a response, but I needed to slow down, be chill!

I hate that not even 8 years ago I could convince a guy to at least have a phone conversation or FaceTime before a date, now that would be seen as odd. If a guy is interested take him up on that. You will gain a lot of information about someone based on a verbal conversation. I wouldn't make this a deal breaker unless you want an "Ok, Boomer" type of reaction.

All in all, take it slow via the apps.. Listen to your gut, you'll know if he interested in your or just passing the time. You'll also know if you vibe with the guy. Get through the pleasantries and see if there is mutual interest in the mundane before jumping into the first date.

^^^ that’s good advice. Thank you.

Lots of desperate childish brain-dead codependents of all ages here... and that is the majority of gay men today... scary!

Out of the 152 posts, it appears that only 4 or 5 posters have actually done the work needed to become men at some point!

Hollywood, social media, dating apps and big pharma have succeeded where AIDS failed.

R153 So why don’t you tell us how our lives can be as perfect as yours? We’d love to hear!

Someone in another thread mentioned the word "limerence." I thought it was a typo. It's not. For those who found some relief in learning about maladaptive daydreaming, you may want to look into limerence. I can relate to it.

God, this thread is depressing.

I had great friends in NYC but never had a relationship when I lived there. I didn't want one until I was in my 30's and I found one out of town on vacation. I relocated and was happy for 6 years, but hung on for another 5 from inertia. Most of my NYC friends in relationships have left the City for either the suburbs or out of state. After 11 years, in a relationship I realized I'm not the type to go along to get along. I have much more satisfaction from my friendships and a married FWB I've known for 30 years. I don't feel lonely and if I feel nostalgic I remind myself of the constant compromises of living with a significant other. No thanks.

Most gay men are too toxic and narcissistic to ever be able to be in a long term relationship. Takes lots of compromise and letting your partner be half. Most are incapable of doing that. If there are any European men on here, what are your experiences with gay men in LTRs there? Is it just North Americans who are selfish cunts?