Mommie Dykest

Omg! This is like so fucking hilarious.

Well she certainly wouldn't have got ahead in Hollywood by using her sex appeal and the casting couch. Ellen is one of the ugliest people to ever be on TV.

But she provably would have fucked Lassie.

What's Rosie magazines doing in this closet when I told you NO ROSIE MAGAZINES EVER!

There would be no wire hangers scene as they would get their clean clothes directly from the dryer as needed and the dirty ones would over flow the laundry hamper.

She's catch Portia making fun of her awkward, deadpan style in the three way mirror and shear her hair with scissors.

"I'd rather you go bald to the Emmys than looking like a tramp!"

When you install wood laminate flooring you have to move the tree!

-No, it would be 'NO LADIES DRESSES EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!'

ELLEN: Portia, why are there dresses in this closet?

PORTIA: Ah, um, i thought they would look nice on your for a change.

ELLEN: I said, NO LADIES DRESSES EVERRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kate McKinnon instead of Faye Dunaway.

Who stole my jewellery???????

Ellen, foaming at the mouth after her show is canned, can be seen hacking away at her prized vagina-shaped topiaries.

“Daytime poison!”

“Carol Ann, I have ASKED you to keep the dogs quiet today! And for Christ’s sake, get them out of the garden! Have Portia bring up my coffee!”

There will be no opening scene of Ellen's shower routine, she'll just roll out of bed and go to work

Get rid of that BITCH of a dog so this household can be silent like it ought to be!

Ellen: “Why can’t you treat me with the respect I’m entitled to!?”

Kathy Griffin: “Because I am NOT one of your FAAAANS!”

Cue intense strangulation scene.

Book written by cats and dogs.

Ron Howard: Portia de Rossi, who plays the part of Lindsay Bluth, has been temporarily hospitalized. We are pleased to announce, however, that today, and until she recovers, Portia will replaced in the role by her wife, Miss Ellen Degeneres.

[quote]Ron Howard: Portia de Rossi, who plays the part of Lindsay Bluth, has been temporarily hospitalized. We are pleased to announce, however, that today, and until she recovers, Portia will replaced in the role by her wife, Miss Ellen Degeneres.

As Jessica Walter ponders her suddenly empty prop martini glass she looks across the set and hears, 'Tell them to hold those *hic* cue cards UP!'

Aging puppy: Why did you adopt me?

Ellen: Maybe I wanted a little publicity.

Iggy, you are not to leave your bowl until you FINISH. THAT. MEAT!

Shouldn't that be nutloaf?

R13 FTW. Say what you want about Joan but at least she made an effort and was always well presented. Ellen looks unbathed and scruffy.

R21 You’re correct. Ellen would put him on a vegan diet.

Thank God Ellen never had kids.

"Don't fuck with me boys, this ain't my first time at the Womyn's Festival"

“Portia! Let me eat your CUNT!!!!”

"Don't fuck with me boys, this ain't my first time driving a U-Haul"

“I work and work until I’m half DEAD and I hear people say she’s an old drunk! And what do I get? A WIFE who cares as much about the beautiful men’s suits I buy her as she cares about ME! WHAT ARE WOMEN’S DRESSES DOING IN THIS CLOSET!?!?”

I shoulda known YOU’D know where to find the girls AND the tofu!

Our Party had ALL A-Listers, one B.

Dammit, JC Penney is MY place.

"Might as well have PROPERTY OF A VERY GOOD PRODUCTION tattooed on my backside!"

There's a liquor store to the right.

I've got balls.

Ellen to her employees who work complain about the unfairness unpaid overtime while she rakes in millions:

"Ah, but nobody ever said life was fair, bitches. I'm richer and I'm meaner. I will always underpay you."

Now, Bruce, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt.

I want that TV turned on every day at 4pm SHARP!

Daytime talk show host? It's very good experience.

r3 lmao. why does Donny look like more of a lesbian in that photo than Rosie?

Eat it Portia! Eat it!

Poor Carol Ann uses a cane but is given no respite by her harsh taskmistress.

"You see, Carol Ann, you have to stay on top of things every single minute." "

Fans should know the price you pay.

Brad Garrett should know the price I pay! The biggest dyke show host they've ever had, and they're eating me alive...

Won't be me... Survive, survive, survive, survive.

I like the Kevin Spacey version:

Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall and put a SLING where it OUGHT to be.

Flirting housekeeper to Ellen:

"I can handle the socks."

Portia to the maid regarding Ellen: "She doesn't need an ambulance. She's drunk."

Portia!

Anne!

DAMMIT!

Portia, I am older and I will always beat you.

I can handle the Birkenstocks.

“Don’t you dare judge me! What you’re doing is denying one of your animals the opportunity to live a wonderful and advantaged life! How sad that is.”

Rosie: (shakes head) Once again, she has the last word.

Portia: (angrily) Does she? DOES SHE?

*freeze frame*

*dramatic music*

Portia: “Yes, Ellen.”

Ellen: “Yes Ellen WHAT?”

Portia: “Yes, Ellen Dearest.”

Ellen: “When I taught you to call me that, I wanted you to [i]mean it[/i].”

Portia: “Yes, Ellen.”

Ellen: “Yes Ellen WHAT?”

Portia: “Yes, Ellen Dearest.”

Ellen: “When I taught you to call me that, I wanted you to [italic]mean it[/italic].”

My pussy loses its vitamins if it's overlicked!

Portia: "Oh, 'Cane Face". That's what she calls ya when she can't remember your name."

Heche had seven minds when she was with me. She lost them all.

Have Portia bring me my coffee! And for chrissake, Carol Ann, get the Michfesters out of the garden!

Cecconi's is MY place!

Portia, bring me the nipple clips!

“Is that the piece of merch you like best, Portia? Then that’s the merch you can keep! We’ll sell the rest in my gift shop for exorbitant prices to housefraus.”

"Portia, go make a drink for the nice Jennifer Aniston. She's our guest." (Cut to Portia in a frilly dress, skulking away to make a drink behind the bar.)

For comic relief:

Cut to a scene of next store neighbour Dame Edna Everage entertaining a small group of friends for lunch by the pool.

Loud banging nosies can be heard coming from Ellen's house. Edna turns to her guests and says "I know you might consider me old fashioned! But lesbianism has always left a nasty taste in my mouth'.

She drives a Subaru.

Yes, in the opening sequence her chauffeur would open the door of a dented Subaru SUV with #ImWithHer sticker on the back.

We'd see stains and Baja Fresh wrappers while she was signing photographs.

Portia would find her passed out with newly purchased Converse instead of fur coats.

"We'll have the tofurkey for 2...rare..."

"This time we'll make an exception. You may keep the birkenstocks and the strap-on."

This has already been quoted, but the obvious response would be, "When you clean the floor, you have to lick the bush!"

Portia to Ellen:

“”How many drinks is that? When you were a kid, that made you look sexy. Now, it just makes you look drunk.”