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Mommie Dykest

Let's speculate on how Mommie Dearest would be different if it was about Ellen Degeneres. I'll begin:

'Portia, bring me the ax.'

by Anonymousreply 6808/04/2020

Omg! This is like so fucking hilarious.

by Anonymousreply 108/01/2020

Well she certainly wouldn't have got ahead in Hollywood by using her sex appeal and the casting couch. Ellen is one of the ugliest people to ever be on TV.

But she provably would have fucked Lassie.

by Anonymousreply 208/01/2020

What's Rosie magazines doing in this closet when I told you NO ROSIE MAGAZINES EVER!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 308/01/2020

There would be no wire hangers scene as they would get their clean clothes directly from the dryer as needed and the dirty ones would over flow the laundry hamper.

by Anonymousreply 408/01/2020

She's catch Portia making fun of her awkward, deadpan style in the three way mirror and shear her hair with scissors.

"I'd rather you go bald to the Emmys than looking like a tramp!"

by Anonymousreply 508/01/2020

When you install wood laminate flooring you have to move the tree!

by Anonymousreply 608/01/2020


by Anonymousreply 708/01/2020

ELLEN: Portia, why are there dresses in this closet?

PORTIA: Ah, um, i thought they would look nice on your for a change.


by Anonymousreply 808/01/2020

Kate McKinnon instead of Faye Dunaway.

by Anonymousreply 908/01/2020

Who stole my jewellery???????

by Anonymousreply 1008/01/2020

Ellen, foaming at the mouth after her show is canned, can be seen hacking away at her prized vagina-shaped topiaries.

“Daytime poison!”

by Anonymousreply 1108/01/2020

“Carol Ann, I have ASKED you to keep the dogs quiet today! And for Christ’s sake, get them out of the garden! Have Portia bring up my coffee!”

by Anonymousreply 1208/01/2020

There will be no opening scene of Ellen's shower routine, she'll just roll out of bed and go to work

by Anonymousreply 1308/01/2020

Get rid of that BITCH of a dog so this household can be silent like it ought to be!

by Anonymousreply 1408/01/2020

Ellen: “Why can’t you treat me with the respect I’m entitled to!?”

Kathy Griffin: “Because I am NOT one of your FAAAANS!”

Cue intense strangulation scene.

by Anonymousreply 1508/01/2020

Book written by cats and dogs.

by Anonymousreply 1608/01/2020

Ron Howard: Portia de Rossi, who plays the part of Lindsay Bluth, has been temporarily hospitalized. We are pleased to announce, however, that today, and until she recovers, Portia will replaced in the role by her wife, Miss Ellen Degeneres.

by Anonymousreply 1708/01/2020

[quote]Ron Howard: Portia de Rossi, who plays the part of Lindsay Bluth, has been temporarily hospitalized. We are pleased to announce, however, that today, and until she recovers, Portia will replaced in the role by her wife, Miss Ellen Degeneres.

As Jessica Walter ponders her suddenly empty prop martini glass she looks across the set and hears, 'Tell them to hold those *hic* cue cards UP!'

by Anonymousreply 1808/01/2020

Aging puppy: Why did you adopt me?

Ellen: Maybe I wanted a little publicity.

by Anonymousreply 1908/01/2020

Iggy, you are not to leave your bowl until you FINISH. THAT. MEAT!

by Anonymousreply 2008/01/2020

Shouldn't that be nutloaf?

by Anonymousreply 2108/01/2020

R13 FTW. Say what you want about Joan but at least she made an effort and was always well presented. Ellen looks unbathed and scruffy.

by Anonymousreply 2208/01/2020

R21 You’re correct. Ellen would put him on a vegan diet.

by Anonymousreply 2308/01/2020

Thank God Ellen never had kids.

by Anonymousreply 2408/01/2020

"Don't fuck with me boys, this ain't my first time at the Womyn's Festival"

by Anonymousreply 2508/01/2020

“Portia! Let me eat your CUNT!!!!”

by Anonymousreply 2608/01/2020

"Don't fuck with me boys, this ain't my first time driving a U-Haul"

by Anonymousreply 2708/01/2020

“I work and work until I’m half DEAD and I hear people say she’s an old drunk! And what do I get? A WIFE who cares as much about the beautiful men’s suits I buy her as she cares about ME! WHAT ARE WOMEN’S DRESSES DOING IN THIS CLOSET!?!?”

by Anonymousreply 2808/01/2020

I shoulda known YOU’D know where to find the girls AND the tofu!

by Anonymousreply 2908/01/2020

Our Party had ALL A-Listers, one B.

by Anonymousreply 3008/02/2020

Dammit, JC Penney is MY place.

by Anonymousreply 3108/02/2020

"Might as well have PROPERTY OF A VERY GOOD PRODUCTION tattooed on my backside!"

by Anonymousreply 3208/02/2020

There's a liquor store to the right.

by Anonymousreply 3308/02/2020

I've got balls.

by Anonymousreply 3408/02/2020

Ellen to her employees who work complain about the unfairness unpaid overtime while she rakes in millions:

"Ah, but nobody ever said life was fair, bitches. I'm richer and I'm meaner. I will always underpay you."

by Anonymousreply 3508/02/2020

Now, Bruce, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt.

by Anonymousreply 3608/02/2020

I want that TV turned on every day at 4pm SHARP!

by Anonymousreply 3708/02/2020

Daytime talk show host? It's very good experience.

by Anonymousreply 3808/02/2020

r3 lmao. why does Donny look like more of a lesbian in that photo than Rosie?

by Anonymousreply 3908/02/2020

Eat it Portia! Eat it!

by Anonymousreply 4008/02/2020

Poor Carol Ann uses a cane but is given no respite by her harsh taskmistress.

"You see, Carol Ann, you have to stay on top of things every single minute." "

by Anonymousreply 4108/02/2020

Fans should know the price you pay.

Brad Garrett should know the price I pay! The biggest dyke show host they've ever had, and they're eating me alive...

Won't be me... Survive, survive, survive, survive.

by Anonymousreply 4208/02/2020

I like the Kevin Spacey version:

Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall and put a SLING where it OUGHT to be.

by Anonymousreply 4308/03/2020

Flirting housekeeper to Ellen:

"I can handle the socks."

by Anonymousreply 4408/03/2020

Portia to the maid regarding Ellen: "She doesn't need an ambulance. She's drunk."

by Anonymousreply 4508/03/2020




by Anonymousreply 4608/03/2020

Portia, I am older and I will always beat you.

by Anonymousreply 4708/03/2020

I can handle the Birkenstocks.

by Anonymousreply 4808/03/2020

“Don’t you dare judge me! What you’re doing is denying one of your animals the opportunity to live a wonderful and advantaged life! How sad that is.”

by Anonymousreply 4908/03/2020

Rosie: (shakes head) Once again, she has the last word.

Portia: (angrily) Does she? DOES SHE?

*freeze frame*

*dramatic music*

by Anonymousreply 5008/03/2020

Portia: “Yes, Ellen.”

Ellen: “Yes Ellen WHAT?”

Portia: “Yes, Ellen Dearest.”

Ellen: “When I taught you to call me that, I wanted you to [i]mean it[/i].”

by Anonymousreply 5108/03/2020

Portia: “Yes, Ellen.”

Ellen: “Yes Ellen WHAT?”

Portia: “Yes, Ellen Dearest.”

Ellen: “When I taught you to call me that, I wanted you to [italic]mean it[/italic].”

by Anonymousreply 5208/03/2020

My pussy loses its vitamins if it's overlicked!

by Anonymousreply 5308/03/2020

Portia: "Oh, 'Cane Face". That's what she calls ya when she can't remember your name."

by Anonymousreply 5408/03/2020

Heche had seven minds when she was with me. She lost them all.

by Anonymousreply 5508/03/2020

Have Portia bring me my coffee! And for chrissake, Carol Ann, get the Michfesters out of the garden!

by Anonymousreply 5608/03/2020

Cecconi's is MY place!

by Anonymousreply 5708/03/2020

Portia, bring me the nipple clips!

by Anonymousreply 5808/03/2020

“Is that the piece of merch you like best, Portia? Then that’s the merch you can keep! We’ll sell the rest in my gift shop for exorbitant prices to housefraus.”

by Anonymousreply 5908/04/2020

"Portia, go make a drink for the nice Jennifer Aniston. She's our guest." (Cut to Portia in a frilly dress, skulking away to make a drink behind the bar.)

by Anonymousreply 6008/04/2020

For comic relief:

Cut to a scene of next store neighbour Dame Edna Everage entertaining a small group of friends for lunch by the pool.

Loud banging nosies can be heard coming from Ellen's house. Edna turns to her guests and says "I know you might consider me old fashioned! But lesbianism has always left a nasty taste in my mouth'.

by Anonymousreply 6108/04/2020

She drives a Subaru.

by Anonymousreply 6208/04/2020

Yes, in the opening sequence her chauffeur would open the door of a dented Subaru SUV with #ImWithHer sticker on the back.

We'd see stains and Baja Fresh wrappers while she was signing photographs.

by Anonymousreply 6308/04/2020

Portia would find her passed out with newly purchased Converse instead of fur coats.

by Anonymousreply 6408/04/2020

"We'll have the tofurkey for 2...rare..."

by Anonymousreply 6508/04/2020

"This time we'll make an exception. You may keep the birkenstocks and the strap-on."

by Anonymousreply 6608/04/2020

This has already been quoted, but the obvious response would be, "When you clean the floor, you have to lick the bush!"

by Anonymousreply 6708/04/2020

Portia to Ellen:

“”How many drinks is that? When you were a kid, that made you look sexy. Now, it just makes you look drunk.”

by Anonymousreply 6808/04/2020
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