Let’s be a Modern Day Sitcom

I'm the production design. No matter the target audience and show style, I'm overdetermined and nauseating, as I have been on every sitcom for 30 years.

I'm the annoying white female lead who should be slapped but never is.

I'm the obese guy who somehow scores a very fit and attractive woman.

I’m the “likes” and “literallys” the characters will all say multiple times per sentence, each time with increasing vocal fry.

I’m the breaking of the fourth wall.

I’m the quirky Indian guy who acts super-gay but is really a rabid heterosexual.

I’m never funny.

I’m the ironic mustache.

I’m the too-clean apartment that looks like an untouched showroom.

I’m Fran Drescher. I won’t be trotting out “The Nanny” in-jokes until episode 4, to give the show time to find its own voice first.

I'm the upper middle-class home the principle characters live in. Few exceptions are allowed, but are refreshing such as "Roseanne" and "The Middle."

I'm the laugh track - STILL USED IN 2020 - ridiculous.

I’m DIVERSITY.

I'm the deep seriousness of little Jrs school/romantic/behavioral issue that Sr and the Mrs have to finally confront in the third act.

I'm a ordinary middle class sitcom set where every square foot of the decor has a light source. Every shelf is top lit. Dozens of wall sconces when this class of people rarely have wall sconces. Every table, sideboard, everywhere, just everywhere, a light source.

I never noticed that R14. I'll have to start watching.

I'm the overused vocal chords of the actors. Every word of every sentence is PROJECTED to an audience that doesn't exist in real life. People don't do this in real life.

I'm the sassy black friend/neighbor/co-worker, inevitably played by Yvette Nicole Brown Simpson or whatever her name is. Since BLM, you're going to be seeing lots more of me. mmm-HMM!

SASSEH!

I’m the totally diverse cast. Even though most of America isn’t.

We are the actually funny jokes. We don’t exist, but if by chance you actually hear one, it is likely stolen from a show you loved when you were a kid.

I’m the genuinely funny but “problematic” episode that causes great offence amongst Buzzfeed and Bustle writers, who demand it be pulled and shame anyone who enjoyed it.

I’m the pathetic excuse for a theme song: a 30-second generic butt rock stinger that sounds like it’s leading up to something and then suddenly stops.

I'm the couch that sits in the middle of the living room in EVERY SINGLE SHOW.

I’m the Miley Cyrus guest appearance that’s massively overhyped in the promos but which falls totally flat.

We are the promos for regular episodes that emphasize (read: spoil) the raunchiest jokes that have nothing to do with the plot, such as it is.

I'm the one millionth time something from I Love Lucy has been blatantly copied.

I’m the Devil of TV Hell, Tony Danza, making a cameo appearance as someone’s father, who - surprise, surprise, surprise - happens to be named Tony.

I'm the protagonist who exhibits really toxic behavior that nobody calls out, but the audience eats up because "I totally get it."

I’m Jennifer Aniston, mortally insulted at being asked to play Abby Elliot’s mom.

R25 I’m the bad Cuban accent Jack McBrayer trots out for said I Love Lucy “tribute” episode.

In conjunction with R20, I'm PC. No sitcom will ever be super funny again because millennials and Gen Z are offended by EVERYTHING.

I'm the absence of physical comedy. Because they're just too cool for that.

I'm the streaming service with questionable financing on which you'll surely find a sitcom in 2020.

I’m the spunky, precocious young girl lead who breaks the fourth wall once an episode by saying her catchphrase directly into the camera and crossing her arms determinedly.

[quote]I'm the overused vocal chords of the actors.

Oh, dear.

[quote]I'm the upper middle-class home the principle characters live in.

And again.

I’m guest star Maggie Wheeler, consciously avoiding any Janice shtick and coming across boring as hell as a result.

I’m the boom-mic that periodically dips into view.

R21, modern-day sitcoms don't have theme songs.

I'm a child's bedroom. My dimensions are 25 feet by 25 feet.

I’m the tedious dramatic episode created solely for Emmy consideration.

I'm the middle-class family who live in a house that IRL only wealthy people would be able to afford.

I'm the neighbors who just barge in without knocking.

[quote] In conjunction with [R20], I'm PC. No sitcom will ever be super funny again because millennials and Gen Z are offended by EVERYTHING.

I’m Norman Lear. I helped set the state for this state of affairs 50 years ago. You’re welcome. Now go watch the enbies on the new [italic]One Day at a Time[/italic].

I'm the shower which is currently occupied by the fat husband star's much better looking and buff younger brother. The sister-in-law will disrobe and me being used by her hot brother-in-law. Hilarity ensues.

I’m the single glass of wine that somehow manages to get someone stupidly drunk.

I'm the wine that gets poured but never consumed.

I also love the coffee that is poured but when closely observed the cup is completely empty. They did this on Friends a lot.

I'm the "trans woman of color" episode which is overwrought and over the top dramatic; however, the show wins an Emmy just because of that one heartfelt episode which has captured the hearts of all Americans.

I am the molestation-induced PTSD that will turn the boy playing the oldest son into a drunken, drug-addled train wreck before his 30th birthday. Don’t count on him getting another series after this one is over. Not even a cartoon.

I'm the documentary /reality show style interviews. I was fresh and unique.... in 2004. Now I'm just as stale as the old school raucous laugh tracks.

I'm the fat straight guy whose wife wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pile in real life unless he had a big fat dick. I have a shitty job and she doesn't work but we're somehow able to afford our current lifestyle.

I'm the nauseatingly whimsical logo, animation clip, and vanity production company name at the very end of each episode.

I'm Tanta Luisa and still don't speak English

I’m the original pilot which actually featured some fresh and original talent. They had to scrap me after recasting each part with the same dull faces who populate every show cancelled after one season.

I'm the overly annoying, overly used, shaky camera effect.

I'm a painfully unfunny Chuck Lorre production that you've never seen, though I've been #1 in the ratings for years. Dumb people feel smart for watching me.

If you haven't seen it how do you know its unfunny or dumb?

I’m the hours and hours of bloopers, showing the cast laughing at their unfunny flubs and generally wasting everyone’s time, explaining the very choppy nature of the final edit.

I'm Adam Pally coked out of my mind in everything I do.

We're the mothers who never get called out for being bitches while their husbands get accused of bloody murder if they so much as belch too loudly.

I’m the conspicuously placed objects that will ineffectively conceal a pregnant actress's baby bump.

I'm the spoiled suburban mall rat daughter. My high pitched whining over not being allowed to see my boyfriend is supposed to be endearing. But it's really obnoxious and audiences wish my parents would slap me in the face.

I'm all the furniture, which looks like it was bought at the same store on the same day.

I'm the two heterosexual hipster leads. We are in a friends with benefits relationship and we can't seem to decide where it's going. Will we or won't we commit to each other? We are both so adorkable!

I'm the weird sudden laughter that regularly appears mid-line in a heavily edited syndicated episode.

I'm the camera going out of focus on purpose for no good reason on a one-camera mockumentary-style sitcom because copying bad technique is in these days. But at least there's no laugh track so that negates all our other flaws, right? Right?

I’m “Promotional Consideration by Apple”. Enjoy iPhones dictating the plot of every single episode and appearing in every scene!

I'm the unexpected and unwanted pregnancy of the female character, I will never in a million years be aborted. Especially on network TV.

[quote] I’m “Promotional Consideration by Apple”. Enjoy iPhones dictating the plot of every single episode and appearing in every scene!

That's not much different from the early years of TV.

I'm the young male actor who dresses like an eighty year old complete with bowtie. I'm wise beyond my years, and I make comments about the situation at hand and glance knowingly at the camera.

I'm the 'daddy's girl' teenage daughter who is stupid but pretty, I usually have an equally stupid but endearing boyfriend. In a very special episode the boyfriend was caught in the daughter's bedroom where he's been staying because his family kicked him out. He just wants to finish school, dammit!

I'm the mean ugly middle daughter. I'm a nasty cunt.

We're the daughter's token black friends who appear in the background in party scenes.

R67 True, but cigarettes, soap etc. didn’t have the ability to control plots the way cellphones and modern technology can. Also, the cast commercials actually demonstrating use of the product tended to be saved for the end of the broadcasts.

I’m the slutty roommate who only talks about sex and must make every episode unnecessarily sexual.

We’re the white blonde couple who looks like we just flew in from Sweden. All three of our kids are dark haired precious jewish brats. Um.. You’re not fooling anyone w that hollywood nepotism crap.

I'm the supporting cast member who gets canceled for a racist tweet from years and years ago.

I’m the revolving door of showrunners, who all get ousted for creating a “toxic work environment”.

Translation: they were all lecherous creeps who couldn't keep their hands to themselves.

I’m the replacement for the supporting cast member fired for racist tweets, and I’m a currently in-vogue minority. Critics worship me, fans despise me.

I'm the Emmy R76 is going to get despite doing little to nothing to earn it and despite the show being barely worthy of People's Choice Awards.

I’m the fart smell trapped within Debra Messing’s spanks.

I'm David Spade. I'll show up towards the end of the first season to help the ratings, and end up staying for the remaining five seasons. No one knows who hired me or whom I appeal to, but just go with it.

I play the annoying drop-in character with the recurring catchphrase that everyone will say to me on the street for the rest of time.

I'm the youngest child of the main couple, I was once cute, nerdy and funny during the early seasons, but now 9 seasons in I've lost the ability to act and my cuteness has morphed into a massive nose and weird face shape. I've recently had my first on-screen girlfriend who would never notice me in real life.

I'm the first "joke" that came to mind in the writers' room. I will make the final cut because no one here is trying and we all want to be home by 3 pm.

I’m the flesh coloured underwear the guys put on for their “nude behind the newspaper” scenes.

[quote]I'm the mean ugly middle daughter. I'm a nasty cunt.

So true, so true.

I'm the actor who leaves the show as soon as he has a hit movie. Bye, losers!

I’m Jon Fleming, playing the boring but hot shirtless extra...again.

I’m the silly, annoying character who may or may not be developmentally disabled. Eventually I will have an emotionally-charged scene where I reveal that I'm wiser and more worldly than you thought...and I’m aware that people have been making fun of me.

I’m the Chuck Cunningham equivalent who disappears without explanation and is never mentioned again.

I’m the single camera, for some reason i’m more expensive than three.

Going along with R88, I'm the circle of best friends who disappear with no explanation after a few seasons.

I’m the 'parental discretion advised' warning that precedes a very special episode. You are going to have nightmares tonight.

I’m the actors’ arms, which will be in different positions every time a camera angle changes.

I'm the "ironic " bigotry, always from the mouth of a boorish character . Sometimes I am funny and sharp when I shine a light on societys' hypocrisy. Other times, I'm just an excuse to trash marginalized individuals and get away with it.

[quote] I’m the 'parental discretion advised' warning that precedes a very special episode. You are going to have nightmares tonight.

Yeah, but mainly about the overacting and overly simplistic resolution of a complex real-world problem.

I’m special guest star Betty White, here to show you talentless youngins’ how it’s done!

I'm the other special guest star Valerie Bertinelli, here to show the young ingenue how she's going to look when she's my age.

We are the parents of the central character; I'm the mother and I'm shrill and bitchy and I'm the father and I am henpecked and sweet. The promos would have you believe we are portrayed by acting legends but one of us starred in a 3 season sitcom from the 70s and the other was a failed Brando type. One of us will die off screen in the last season as the show runs out of material.

I’m the blue-screen halo that appears around everyone’s hair during driving scenes.

We’re things people actually do in real life. None of them are on this show.

I'm the albino son who's also sarcastic and a programming prodigy. There is no dating drama because since episode 1 I've had a girlfriend. My girlfriends change every couple seasons and none are asian.

I’m the bitchy, catty gay assistant to the lead female, played by Maulik Pancholy or someone indistinguishable from him.

I'm one of the children of the straight couple that are invariably the parents on the show. If I'm a boy I'm so flaming you would swear I was a tranny, but I'm actually as straight as an arrow. There will be at least one episode that revolves around my parents assuming that I'm gay because of the way that I act and the fact that they're completely wrong.

People think gay men will be disappointed by this, but in reality we will all heave a collective sigh of relief until we get what we want, which is a hot, manly gay character who is neither a child nor a stereotype.

and will resume waiting for what we really want*

that's because he wouldn't remember his character's name, R26.

I’m the mismatching wallpaper throughout the house, the dingy cabinets, loud but faded curtains and framed landscape paintings with inexplicably garish colors to signify “working class”

I’m the inexplicable two step indoor stairway at the front door so when Popular Character comes in, there’s time for enthusiastic applause before I speak.

I’m the food that constantly changes in quantity on plates during meal scenes.

I’m Martin Mull, being my usual Mullish self, except now I’m older and make incontinence jokes.

We are David Alan Grier, Vicki Lawrence, and Leslie Jordan doing the same and hoping to be the next [italic]Golden Girls[/italic] only to end up being the next [italic]Golden Palace[/italic].

R109 How true. I never want to hear boobs and butts referred to as “milkers and dumper” ever again, let alone out of Vicki Lawrence’s mouth. Yech!

I'm the flattened affect and monotone of the deadpan millennial hipster of the cast . I am set at zero in contrast to my zany costars who dial it up to 100. My eyes are perpetually glazed over at their antics .

I’m the masking tape obscuring all the board game titles they didn’t get permission to use.

I'm the child star. I'll either come out as queer later or become a drug addict or both.

We're the audience who laughs in between every sentence that is spoken on the show.

I'm the ex drug dealer/convicted felon with a hit TV sitcom adored by Deplorables. To me and my devoted fans, there is nothing funnier than a dirtball scumbag such as me taking pot shots at a certain ex-President (who just happens to be black) and making jokes about how stupid he was and how ineffective he was as a leader. Of course, I never direct my "humor" at the current occupant of the Oval Office because he has no faults, just like me.

Oh, I also use my show as a platform to rail against current liberal fallacies, like white male privilege,

I'm the soda cans, bags of chips, and boxes of cereals with fake brand names.

I'm the grandmother who verbally abuses my daughter, who allows me to live in her home with her anyway. When I make a bitchy remark about my daughter's appearance or intelligence, the audience laughs riotously.

Ahem, didn’t OP say “modern” sitcom?

I’m R113 getting canceled for using anti-GAY hate speech. Enjoy being the new Anita Bryant, bitch!

I’m Emily Rutherford, here to reprise my nervous, uncomfortable looking woman act from every 2000s sitcom!

Wait, that's a thing, R85?

R121, it's always been a thing!

Similar to r116, I’m “BEER”

I’m every staircase designed so when the character comes down to the last step they’re facing the audience. I’m usually two steps, a turn, and then the rest of the stairs for some reason.

I'm the stunt casting of some 70s/80s tv star guest-starring as one of the main characters' parent. The actual demographic who watches the show barely even knows who I am.

I'm the episode with a famous guest star. For some reason, I am never ever remotely funny. Perhaps the writers think that audiences will be so awed by a big name that they won't pay attention to the bad jokes.

I’m the premise about a single woman juggling her personal and professional life. I’m so fresh and original.

We're a middle class family played by LA actors with gym-sculpted bodies, every cosmetic procedure known to science and $40,000 worth of teeth in our mouths.

I mean really, have you SEEN what middle class Americans really look like?

I'm the spin-off about the main characters neighbor moving to the big city, I will be filled with recycled plots and jokes, the cast will have no chemistry and the only time the ratings got close to the main show was during the forced crossover. I only lasted 2 seasons and had no real finale. The character will rejoin the main show and the events of the spin off are never mentioned.

Hell I noticed the other nite they used a very soft focus on Audrey Hepburn in “Paris When It Sizzles” (it’s available for free on Kanopy) and she had fired one cinematographer and brought another on that knew how to film her flatteringly. No soft focus on Bill Holden though. And nothin sizzlin either

I’m the weird episode where an awful lot of camera time is being spent on some wacky characters that work with/are related to one of the shows regulars. In fact, the shows regulars are barely seen in this episode. Call me by my name: Back Door Pilot.

Make it five generations and make it a lump sum cash payment.

I'm the 35 year old actor playing the parent of the 25 year old "teen", we are definitely not hooking up in our trailers.

I’m the guy who’s weight fluctuates drastically each season, making it hard to believe that next year’s premiere takes place immediately after last year’s finale.

We are the ever-dwindling audience shares as discerning viewers continue to leave networks behind for newer, more innovative platforms.

I'm Joyce DeWitt, and I just want to let everyone know that I'm available to star in this sitcom. Painfully available, in fact. Well, unless my co-star is a prima donna cunt. I'm looking at you, Suzanne!

I'm that little girl who played the middle daughter in "Family Matters." I went upstairs at the end of an episode, and I never came back downstairs. I'm basically a black, female Chuck Cunningham.

[quote]Let’s be a Modern Day Sitcom

I’m the lack of an intro theme song, which is depressing.

[quote] I’m the guy who’s weight fluctuates

Oh, dear!

WTF don’t some of you get about the words “modern day”?

I’m the 2-minute chunks of show surrounded by 5 minutes of commercials.

I'm the big deal we made about being woke and inclusive, by this we actually mean we are hiring a couple of African Americans as recurring cast members. Obviously we aren't going to hire Asians, Mexicans and certainly not any Native Americans.

I’m the too-trendy references to some fad that’ll go out of style and really date these episodes in reruns.

We are the reruns that will start off adequately on local stations but quickly decline and disappear. We will be totally gone everywhere but basic cable within the next five years before we go away for good. We will also get a first season DVD set, but no Blu-ray, that will sell disastrously since not only is the show not worth it, it is available on streaming in a higher resolution.

And also nobody buys DVDs anymore.

I'm the laff trax harvested from old Lucy shows.

We are the jokes, also harvested from the old Lucy shows. But by now they are so desperate for ideas that they have had to resort to harvesting jokes from [italic]Life with Lucy[/italic].

[quote] We will also get a first season DVD set, but no Blu-ray, that will sell disastrously since not only is the show not worth it,

Mainly because I’ll be inexplicably priced at $49.99.

I'm the hashtag that appears on screen randomly.

I am the woke YouTuber pointing out how problematic it is in an exhaustive video cataloging its social injustices.

I’m the establishing shots of buildings that in no way match the interior set layouts.

I'm the secret gay lover of the Male lead posing as his "assistant" so I can go everywhere with him and it doesn't look suspicious at all !!!!

I'm the locked dressing room door, concealing the rampant sexual abuse of the precocious tween actor playing the son on the show!

I’m the back 9, picked up in case the first 13 do well in the ratings. I’m seldom if ever ordered these days.

I’m the episode(s) that’ll get pulled from syndication/streaming in a few years for featuring something eventually seen as insensitive.

I'm the main star who was a 90's heart throb but now I'm slightly overweight and balding, I'm only doing this to pay off my third divorce.

I'm the womanizing/slutty straight friend that just HAS to be featured in EVERY network sitcom.

I'm the social media star that the network forced the show to hire to get the genZ audience.

I'm the connoisseur of classic sitcoms who hasn't watched one in years, and when my friends mention one of the current ones I ask, "What's that?"

'Cause modern network TV SUCKS Trump balls!!!!

I'm the attractive couple who would be perfect together. The writers employ a push-and-pull dynamic, keeping the audience asking, "Will they, or won't they?"

We're the people whose voices you hear on the laugh tracks. We're all dead. (True story.)

R161 As long isn't that woman you hear on every "Gilligan's Island" episode screeching, "Uh oh!" every time Gilligan did something stupid that was going to create a funny problem.

I'm pop culture references. I'm mostly several decades out of date, but the teenage characters will still use me. I'm the product of a writing room that's well into its 50s.

I'm the dumb character. I'll start out as reasonably functional but by the time the shows ends, I'll be retarded to the point of being unable to function in real life. I'm usually obsessed with sex but never knock anyone up or have an STD.

I'm the husband's personality. Aside from being fat and ugly, I'm also boorish, intolerant and generally a pain in the ass. For some reason my saint of a wife, who's also younger and hotter, will put up with me. And it won't be for money, because I've also got a shit job.

I'm the frumpy man who just wants to have a good time in life, watching sports and having sex. But my shrewish wife keeps ruining my fun times by nagging me to help with household chores, spend time with the kids, or do the right thing.

^^Modern?!

[quote] I'm the dumb character. I'll start out as reasonably functional but by the time the shows ends, I'll be retarded to the point of being unable to function in real life. I'm usually obsessed with sex but never knock anyone up or have an STD.

At leat they always draw the line somewhere.

I’m Brad Garrett. I am always relegated to playing somebody’s annoying relative or friend.

What day is a modern day for DL?! I am confused.

Well, when we're talking about sitcoms, we kind of have to go back 20 years. The networks rarely make sitcoms today. Mom, The Conners, what else is there?

2000 is not far back enough. Most of DL seems to be stuck between 1985 and 1992 and the rest seems stuck between 1970 and 1977.

I'm the skintight tops that all the adult women in the cast must wear in every episode.

I'm the gender non-conforming tween.

That's nothing new, R174.

[quote]I’m Brad Garrett. I am always relegated to playing somebody’s annoying relative or friend. —For some reason I never play the lead

You mean except for those four seasons on "Til Death"?

[quote] Mom, The Conners, what else is there?

Young Sheldon

Modern Family

The Neighborhood

Man With A Plan

United We Fall

American Housewife

The Goldbergs

Superstore

The Good Place

The Big Bang Theory

The Middle

Grace & Frankie

[italic]Modern Family[/italic] has finally been canceled after running long enough to squander all the goodwill they had built up.

True, but it's still a "modern day" sitcom.

I’m the person who gets verbally abused by friends and/or family members. The audience finds it hilarious.

I'm the beat-and-a-half pause for uproarious canned laughter after every single line.

I could suck the rhythm, life, and humor out of the most brilliant comic skit of all time.

I'm the overly elaborate and creative insults as seen on Scrubs and Veep. At first I was a respite from the cheesy one liners of sitcoms of old but I've started to become just as exhausting and obnoxious.

[quote] True, but it's still a "modern day" sitcom.

But it won't be modern for very long.

I’m the imbecile who fucks everything up for everyone else every week and at the end of every episode everyone tells me they love me despite my phenomenally cretinous behavior that led us to ruination

That's as old as sitcoms themselves, R185.

That’s why I contributed it. Threes nothing new in sitcoms

I’m Botox. I’m injected into every pore of the ageing female lead’s face, who was once the star of a much better show decades ago. I make her look plastic and hinder the comedic timing of every line she utters.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

I'm the now-adult child actor playing one of the family's children. I was cast because I was short for my age so could get away with playing a younger character, but now my character's 19 while I'm 26 and 5'3. My siblings are also below 5'5. The show has yet to address the obvious congenital disorder that caused this, given that my mother is 5'9 and my father is 6'2.

R190, ya got a Very Special Episode right there. And it may actually be a fresh one! Hollywood, are you listening?

r190 = Sara Hyland and son from The Middle

I'm the same idea recycled over and over again for different ethnic versions of the same kind of family.

R164 and R185 appear to be referring to Cartoon President.

I’m the diverse “reimagining” of some beloved property from ages ago. Critics fawn over me and shame anyone who prefers the original, which is naturally “very problematic”. Everything good about the original is thrown out to make room for guilt, lecturing and soap boxes.

And the "reimagining" bombs in the ratings.

[quote]Everything good about the original is thrown out to make room for guilt, lecturing and soap boxes.

That's why they rebooted [italic]One Day at a Time[/italic]: all that stuff was built into it already.

R197 Yeah, Norman Lear remakes don’t have to add any preachiness, just incorporate more minorities.

Trans Maude is probably right around the corner.

God'll get you for that, R198.

I'm the 2 minutes of actual programming shoved and interrupted regularly between as many annoying ads, sometimes cutting one another off, as can be compressed in between episode scenes.

I'm the grandmother played by either Jane Curtin, Marion Ross or Cloris Leachman. I'm the only one who doesn't flub lines and the main reason people tune in. I was originally slated for two episodes, but ratings were so good that I'm now a main cast member.