Is it inconvenient to live in a small town?

OP, do you live in a city center? I ask because it struck me as unusual that you would mentions "every car dealership" being at your reach; it doesn't seem very "large city living." but if you're near an even small city in the U.S., car dealerships are everywhere—along with fast food outlets and big box stores, and health care providers exist everywhere. Some other odd things, why unless you are a teacher or parent would "a multitude of public and private schools" be important in a small town? "Large universities," plural? "Hundreds of restaurants, clubs and nightlife"?

These are not small town things. Maybe you can find a rich college town with one or two colleges and a smaller but good group of restaurants, but you're asking for things that you know don't exist in small towns.

And what's the impetus for this move? Reading between the lines I have the sense, perhaps mistaken, that you are fleeing one place more than excited to move to another. A recipe for unhappiness if that's the case.

Small towns don't have to be far from civilization, they can be civilized themselves, and close or well connected to metropolitan areas. Grant, Nebraska (pop. 1100) and Middleburg, Virginia (pop. 850) are both small towns, but many worlds of layers apart. Maybe you mean a smaller city, but you describe rural areas and being far from civilization.

I don't think you have a clue as to what you want, or that you're remotely serious about the prospect.

There is usually one of everything you mention in your first paragraph OP. But just one, so if it stucks, or you hate the place, dont have what you want or service is bad you are shit out of luck unless you shelp to the big city. There is a reason gays flock to big cities and it not just to meet other gays.

I would like to try country living rather than a small town.

The town I live in is rural, at least 3 hours from a real city. We have 17K people, a Walmart, a Safeway, a prison, 7 churches, 5 bars, and that's about it. The internet makes it easier, but there is nothing to do out here that I don't make happen myself. The people are not at all "woke", but leave me (I am gay) alone, as I keep a neat yard. Barking dogs everywhere and guns in public are reality.

R4 are you single or do you have a partner?

I have been a rural gay for over 3 years now, and I love it. I don't miss the big city anxiety associated with, "am I going to get robbed? Beaten up? Killed?" I no longer have to deal with big city stress.

Gay bars suck now, tons of fraus have taken them over. I don't miss the bars anymore. There are plenty of guys on the hookup apps, so getting booty has not been an issue. I can order everything I need online, so I don't miss wasted time schlepping it from store to store.

The only part I do miss is restaurant variety. If that's really important to you, move to a college town or the suburbs with a quick link to a big city.

Good luck!

[quote]There are plenty of guys on the hookup apps, so getting booty has not been an issue.

You can just go to your app and find someone you find sexy who doesn't smell funny?

There is anonymity to living in a big city. You can live next door to someone and they don't know you, you don't know them and that's the way you both want it and like it.

That's a benefit or a disadvantage, depending on your preference.

Rural, small town living isn't that way. Everybody knows who you are, especially if you're the new kid in town, but whether or not there is interaction as a matter of circumstances and preferences.

As a city dwelling introvert, small town was a nightmare. Seeing the same people at the library, post office, bank, grocery store. NO PRIVACY, because everyone is so fucking curious. I hated it. Darling I love you but give me 8th ave.

The main gripe I've heard from people who move to suburbia is there's nowhere to eat out. No good restaurants.

I've lived in the city all my life, but whenever I'm at my bf's place I really feel at peace. He lives in a small town which is part of a city that's not that busy, and where he lives it's pretty secluded, you don't hear cars or people screaming 24/7... I love it when I'm there. Even though everything is closeby now and I can get anything I want, I would still rather live in a small town.

I live in a very rural area in the US - my village is ~900 people. About 20 minutes away is a town of ~8,000 and about 50 minutes away is a major college town of ~42,000. I have a large Amish population where I live; the bank has a hitching post. I grew up in a major suburban area and moved here for work out of college, intending to only stay for a few years. Then the economy tanked and I held on to a secure job. Been here 14 years now. I hated it when I moved here, the culture shock was real and people were standoffish. That said, I've really come to love the rural lifestyle and culture and I can't imagine moving back to a major metropolitan area. No traffic, quiet, low cost of living, calm. I have my privacy and will never be "local" (which in many cases is a good thing) but over time I have become part of the community and carved out my circle of friends. You are in the minority, politically, but you are able to find the liberal subculture/network, it's always there. The gay dating scene is different than it is in cities and a bit more odd-ball, but it's there and I've had a series of long-term relationships.

Move 30 minutes away. Close enough not all on it.

I would probably have a nervous breakdown (or die from boredom) living in a small town. I need to be near music venues and theatres.

OP, be sure to invest in a good generator because every other time there is a storm, your electricity will go off for a matter of hours or days. If you want electricity, you will frequently have to make your own. And you're going to have to have electricity if you want to cook, because you may find that gas hook-ups are not available.

Have fun!!!

R12 I thought I lived in a small town. The population is double of yours and a city of 45,000 is a 20 minute drive. The nearest large, well known college is under an hour. My house is lakefront and I love it.

[quote]OP, be sure to invest in a good generator because every other time there is a storm, your electricity will go off for a matter of hours or days. If you want electricity, you will frequently have to make your own. And you're going to have to have electricity if you want to cook, because you may find that gas hook-ups are not available.

I lived in the sticks for 15 years, no one in sight or earshot, the nearest village a half hour away, surrounded by forest and mountains and at times very windy. I initially considered a generator but decided against it. In all those years my electric was once off for not quite an hour, and one or two other times for a half hour, in other words, much more reliable service than I enjoyed living in big city where every year it would go a couple of times for the better part of a day, and water service might be cut off two or three times a year for a day or two at a time.

It has been difficult in my small town during this pandemic. Our doctor left to go help out in the city. Our main grocery store has very little of anything but the staples. Farmers market is good now but not so good in March when it all started. And it's been very isolating isolating in isolation. I am thinking about renting an apartment in NYC or Philly and spending some time there this summer/fall. I hear there are some deals to me made and I kind of want to get out of dodge.

R17, in what part of the country did you live? The dependability of the electricity might be better in the southwest. But in the northeast, trees fall when the snow flies. And when they fall, they often take the power lines with them.

R19: Mid-Atlantic (Shenandoah Valley.) Trees took down power lines often, but the small, rural utility company was immediately on it every time. My only point being it's a very local thing, and not just geographically but by utility company. I would take some time and do a survey of neighbors as well as look at outage statistics. The hard-wired standby systems with automatic switch on can be very pricey I know.

How about a solar backup? Anyone have it or considering it?

Anyone with a house should have a generator.

[quote] "am I going to get robbed? Beaten up? Killed?" I no longer have to deal with big city stress.

I'm sorry to harp but I've lived in a big city my whole life and have never experienced any of these stresses.

OP, if you decide to move to a small town, prepare for your life to feel like the Cheers theme song.

I lived in cities (not major cities, but cities) until a graduated college and moved into my (now) husband’s apartment in the suburbs. Still, we lived in the busy part of town.

We moved back to his small hometown in Ohio and I was blown away by how much everyone seemed to know about me before I even met them. I had little old ladies sending me emails with links to jobs I could apply for, people buying me apparel for the local schools because I “look like a Medium,” and other people stopping me randomly in stores to ask how it was liking it here.

Last week I was cooling down after my morning run and a lady on her porch asked me if my “Sugar” was under control. I was kind of confused and then she said she heard from my husband in April that I was trying not to leave the house because I am diabetic. When I got home I whacked him upside the head for sharing that about me, but as I’ve reflected back on my interactions with these people, I realize someone probably asked him where I was and he said I was staying in, and then they pressed him until he caved with the details. Most likely, I was then probably part of a prayer chain and every church bulletin in town.

OP, I kind of like living in a small town, just be prepared for everyone to know you.

R1 you pretty much read my post correctly. And you're right, I want to leave but it's mainly because of the cost of living.

Living amongst all of these conveniences comes at a price. City living comes at a price. And I'm sick of paying that price.

But you're also right in the sense that I talk about it a lot, but have never mustered up the courage to move. But this thread has been helpful.

R18, what you wrote is what I'm terrified about. I could not handle having so few choices.

[quote] We have 17K people, a Walmart, a Safeway, a prison, 7 churches, 5 bars, and that's about it.

Lol. Sounds like churches out number everything else. Blech.

I live in a large city amd couldn’t care less about car dealerships or big box stores. To me that’s a very suburban mindset, not “big city.”

The amenities I like about my city are walkable neighborhoods, a dense commercial core with residential neighborhoods radiating from the center, museums, parks and green spaces, public transit and great bars and restaurants. However, we do not have great public schools, wealth inequality is extreme, and crime, overdoses and homelessness remain major problems; all of these negatives are connected, of course. I wish we had better local government and better services.

What R24, but more. Not only do they all know you, they all know each other. They all grew up together. If two of them didn't go to high school together, then one of their siblings will be somehow connected. If you say a word, good or bad, about ANYONE, it will get back to them. Quickly. Every person you encounter in a small town is a reporter. And since you are new in town, their loyalties all lie with themselves, not with you.

Five years ago, I moved from NYC to a small town of 50,000. They don't think of it as a small town. But it is. Lots of adjustments had to be made.

R25/OP: Thanks for the explanation, that makes more sense now. One thing I will stand by is that fleeing one place often leads to a bad choice of destination. That's a solid reason for wanting to leave, but your chances of being happy in a new situation turn—from my experience—on looking forward to the destination more than the escape.

There are countless articles and places rated and city comparison websites about great small towns and small cities and medium sized cities for retirees, gay retirees, gay Jewish retirees, etc. They are 90% recycled fluff, and you will have to filter out all of the criteria that don't matter to you ("great water-skiing!," "a regional hub of orthodonture and woodwind jazz!"), but maybe there's a starting point in that one of those capsule city descriptions sparks some interest: the start of looking for something and seeing if it might be right for you.

Good luck

This is a stupid post OP and you know it. Fuck you.

I am from a small village (1600 pop.) in rural Bavaria! AMA!

I could have written R9.

Living in a suburb of a large city now after living in large cities my whole adult life. It’s a nightmare. The people are deeply stupid, religious, and uneducated. Their whole lives revolve around the neighborhood elementary school. I’ve never seen anything like it.

Suburban life is very different from small-town life, though. I grew up in a small town and have fond memories of it.

How many cars are you buying that access to car dealerships is a concern???

In terms of inconvenience, there some things you don't have in small towns but not stuff you need day-in day-out. Within a 15 minute drive of me, there's maybe 30 restaurants (including sushi, BBQ, Chinese, Italian); you want Indian or Korean or Thai, those are ~45 minutes away but that's not the end of the world. 2 well-stocked supermarkets (Giant, Weis) within 10 minutes of me, delivery eateries. Movie theatres. Bars. There is a gay bar 45 minutes away, then another an hour in the other direction, but I'm not a big bar person so meh. Microbreweries and wineries are plentiful here.

For shopping, Walmart has killed off the local retailers and is now the only option. Department stores are 45 minutes away.

I have high speed internet, reliable cell service, the power doesn't go out. You just sort of adapt your living, staying close to home most of the week and maybe once a week go to a bigger town your more exotic needs. I don't feel like my quality of living is lower for living in a rural area.

R10 yes!!! There must is one semi decent restaurant in my town. The thing I miss the most about city living are all the restaurants. But now with Covid, I don’t think I’d be eating out anyway.

Sounds idyllic.

OP, if you're over 40, you can get used to it quick. Stores, restaurants, and businesses are spread out more, but there's hardly any traffic. And you won't have to wait in line anywhere.

I love living in a city for all the conveniences, the (once upon a time) culture like museums and street fairs and concerts, and for the food options. Best thing about food options are all the things that can be delivered that are NOT Dominoes pizza.

Live in a medium size town, that is the best. Small towns are nothing but drugs, drugs and more drugs.

I'm 67 and have lived in the suburbs my entire life (SF/DC/LA.) And it's what I'm used to and comfortable with. But a lot of the reasons for living in or near a large city are gone, and some of those changes might be permanent. I always wanted to be near a major airport, a selection of restaurants and stores, and theaters. Who knows if I'll ever be able to take advantage of any of those things again, at least on a regular basis? So I'm seriously considering moving to a smaller town/metro area. The only thing that concerns me is access to health care.

I live in NYC and want to flee to a small town. I’ve been in NYC since 2003. But I am worried about what was said above - that fleeing leads to bad decisions and the same unhappiness. Also I would need to find a job. But I definitely have this urge to move to a small town and keep thinking it would be so much better than NYC and I would be happier etc. It’s probably irrational and stupid but I keep thinking about it. Probably a coping mechanism.

This thread is informative and interesting. Thank you.

Introverts do better in the big city where they can remain anonymous and be their self-sufficient selves or get the services they need.

Extroverts do better in small towns where they can make new friends and be part of a local community where everybody knows your name and your (sordid?) backstory.

UK shows like Midsomer Murders make life in the countryside seem so quaint even with all the murders going on. Still, I would murder someone very fast with people "popping in" for a chat or trying to get me involved in some local charity.

I rather have my peace and quiet at home in the big city. And I can imagine being a loner, or outcast, in a small town is not fun where everybody looks at you funny or whispers behind your back making you all paranoid.

R41 read my mind.

R41 that’s so true. I’m an introvert and I HATE living in a small town. I’ve always been a city person so I don’t give a flying fuck who lives next door. But here, everyone is in your business. I hate some of the neighbors who I have to be subjected to. Thankfully Covid has shut down the exhausting summer get togethers.

R40, no one moves to a small town for economic opportunity, UNLESS that move is at retirement time because the rent can be very low.

I prefer the anonymity of living in the city

I’ll second the posters above who mentioned all the gossip in small towns.

You’d like to think people are grownups, or at least busier and more evolved these days.

But, no. They are the same gossipy idiots they always were. It’s shocking that gossips don’t seem to understand how trashy it is. I don’t partake myself, but have had plenty of conversations in which other people try to draw me into trashing someone. I can’t believe adults behave this way.

[quote]Extroverts do better in small towns where they can make new friends and be part of a local community where everybody knows your name and your (sordid?) backstory.

you made that up. I'm an extrovert and hate seeing the same fucking faces every day, I prefer a big city for the variety of contacts

[quote] you made that up. I'm an extrovert and hate seeing the same fucking faces every day, I prefer a big city for the variety of contacts

So, you think an introvert would do a lot better in your particular situation? Ok, then.

country house and pied-à-terre

Not really. It's just boring. Not much of a night life or gay scene. Very few gays here. Other than that it's ok.

[quote] country house and pied-à-terre

Now why didn't I think of that, while I was scrounging quarters from between the couch cushions?

r49 is brilliant. He invented second homes, right here in this thread! Muriel?!? An historical marker, PLEASE.

My childhood was spent in a very rural area. There was NOTHING there. You had to have a car to get anywhere, like the grocery store, bank, post office, etc. There were no department stores, no decent restaurants. There was no place to listen to live music, or see a show or artwork. The nearest place to go see a movie was 25 miles away, and it would take months for certain popular movies to get there. It was a dull, barren, stifling place, but it was near the water so some people liked it because of that. And don't get me started on the ignorant, narrow minded, racist, gossipy clods who were the majority of the population there. I knew I had to get away to a city. Cities had there faults, but living in rural areas tends to be a kind of living death.

I forgot to add right now I'm glad I live in a small town. Not many covid-19 cases here.

[quote]I would probably have a nervous breakdown (or die from boredom) living in a small town. I need to be near music venues and theatres.

So how have you been been able to handle the last 4 months and the foreseeable future?🧐

R55 Exactly. If this pandemic has taught us something it's that we can manage just fine without those things.

I get allergic smelling hay.

Feels like life is passing you by. If you want to check out of life, it’s fine. But there is a combination of isolation and busy bodies who want to know your business. I prefer the anonymity of the city - and the feeling that you’re part of life and always engaged in living. When I lived in small town, it became a hermits life. Beautiful nature and low stress - but days blend and life just passes by.

R57 Oh ffs, living in a small town is not the same as living in the country surrounded by farms. I live in a town with a population of 35k people. My town has shops, several malls, a movie theater, public swimming pools, restaurants, pubs/bars, nightclubs etc.

But just less variety than a city, right R59?

I could live with that. It sounds like just enough to keep things interesting.

In theory, suburban life could be quite nice. But for whatever reason, the people who live in suburbs are a toxic blend of smug and pig-ignorant. Extremely wealthy suburbs might be an exception, but they have their own issues.

Very small, rural towns are a different animal. Many people end up there due to circumstances beyond their control. “Mama got sick,” etc. That seems to result in a more eclectic crowd, interestingly enough.

R60 Yes, obviously not as many clubs/pubs as a city, but perfectly livable.

R60 Yes, obviously not as many clubs/pubs as a city, but perfectly livable.

Really interesting points about introverts in cities. I never considered that. I’m the idiot in NYC. But you’re right - I would have a really hard time talking to neighbors and interacting with people. I never considered that. And I would hate people knowing who I am and wanting to know what my deal is.

But that could also just be me being misanthropic and avoidant.

When I first moved to the smallish town I live in, I met a woman who was very intent on bad-mouthing this other woman I barely knew.

I thought it was very risky of her— what if I were the other woman’s biggest fan or otherwise loyal to her?

It then dawned on me that those two must spend time together trashing me. That’s why woman # 1 felt so comfortable assuming there was bad blood between woman # 2 and me. THESE ARE PEOPLE I BARELY KNEW! it was so fucking weird.

As it turns out, woman # 2 did indeed turn out to be a total bunny boiler, but that’s a story for another day.

I live in a small town. One thing to consider is that you’re not going to be surrounded by many intelligent, well traveled people. Get togethers are just excuses to get drunk and see who can tell the most sexually obnoxious stories. It’s gets tired after a while. There are also far more Dump supporters, even in solidly blue States so you have to keep that in mind too.

I'm a writer. As I work alone most of the time and socialize infrequently I'm considering moving to the country - with good wifi.

I can not afford a good restaurant but some small towns can't even get you a good roast beef sandwich...that is kind of sad.

You could always live like the Unabomber in a shack in the middle of nowhere.

[quote]My childhood was spent in a very rural area. There was NOTHING there. You had to have a car to get anywhere, like the grocery store, bank, post office, etc. There were no department stores, no decent restaurants. There was no place to listen to live music, or see a show or artwork. The nearest place to go see a movie was 25 miles away, and it would take months for certain popular movies to get there. It was a dull, barren, stifling place, but it was near the water so some people liked it because of that. And don't get me started on the ignorant, narrow minded, racist, gossipy clods who were the majority of the population there. I knew I had to get away to a city. Cities had there faults, but living in rural areas tends to be a kind of living death.

OK, but re-read your post and ask yourself if you're ever going to need to or be able to go see a show, live music, a movie, or a store again? Or at least as often as you used to?

R70 - the current situation wont go on forever - maybe another full year or so, but live entertainment will return - life came back after 1916. It always does eventually.

In any event I’m personally staying in Manhattan even if broadway & concerts never come back - urban life suits some of us better - rural or suburban life suits others better.

I have never been to the US and likely will not - sadly - any time soon, but I have to tell you that I always had a deep fascination about American smalltown life or American suburbia. I do not know why, but I really drawn to movies and books about life in rural or suburban America. Even as a teenager, I was fascinated by that and really liked for example movies such as Ghost World or Little Children. As a child I also liked to watch documentaries on television about tornadoes and back then I thought the Midwest seemed like an interesting place to be. I also would like to rewatch Days of Heaven. I think I should go to a psychologist to find out why I am drawn to Google street viewing random places in Nebraska or Mississippi.

I really want to do a road trip to the American South or Midwest. They mostly probably consist of nothing-places, but I want to go there!

[quote] Is it inconvenient to live in a small town?

No genius, everything is super convenient

There are plenty of small towns close to mid size cities with nearly all the conveniences of large cities.

Yes. And depending on how picky you are, and where this particular small town is, dating choices are non existent. You might eventually realize that if your expectation is to date someone who is reasonably fit, well read, into film, art, and can dress reasonably well (meaning they aren’t dressed like they’re playing golf 24 hours a day) then you will have to date people who live in a different state.

This isn’t an exaggeration, btw. Small towns, especially smaller southern towns, are wastelands if married men who troll for hook ups and affairs, while the single ones aren’t actually single and have a wife somewhere in another nearby state.

Lol. Sad but true.

Being able to get everything on Amazon negates the retail void. If I want to hit up a museum or hear a chamber orchestra, there’s a city close enough to do that. But age appropriate dating is pretty much out of the question because almost all men in my peer groups are married out here.

I imagine the more rural it gets, the more true this is and I honestly don’t know how people in certain areas date, or even go out and socialize without it being centered around church or a local bar, I can’t imagine growing up with the same people I would later date, or marry, and there’s only like 500 people to choose from. That’s Noah’s Ark-not a small town.

If this is the case where I live, it’s gotta be brutal in really tiny towns.

I’m from huge metropolitan areas, and cities, so where I’m at now is a small town, in my opinion.

I recently spent some time in a tiny town in a valley between mountain ridges. Outside the tiny grid of town streets, the land was covered by farms. It was beautiful and peaceful. The house prices were one third as expensive as the major cities two hours away. But it's Trumpland, and there were a few Confederate flags flying. As a gay person, I would only feel comfortable living in cities, which are more diverse and liberal.

R25, OP, Consider the Lehigh Valley area of PA. It has everything you listed as wants. Indeed, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a medical entity (hospitals, urgent cares, consortia, etc.). Plus major private colleges/universities. Plenty of restaurants, including a very diverse ethnic contingent. Etc., etc.

OP, I would definitely suggest it. I love it. I live half the year in a rural small town area lakeside cabin and the other half in the city. Of course, there will be an adjustment whenever you get away from the city and the convenience-aspect definitely dwindles once you get into more rural areas. However, I find that once I get away from city life, I really don't need the vast, VAST majority of whatever the city offers. And one thing I've realized is that, although stores and resources may technically be closer to me in the city, they are not always convenient if you account for traffic, public transport, parking, lagging that stems from bigger crowds, etc. The large grocery store may be a 20 min drive for you in a rural area, but you don't have to deal with the congestion that occurs in the city. In my downtown place, although the grocer is a five minute walk, at peak times I wont be getting out of there in under an hour. In my rural home, the closest major city area is a half hour away. But I generally only go there once a week, and make a large shopping run at all the stores in the area.

As for the small town atmosphere and dealing with everybody knowing you, it's not as bad (for me) as others have suggested above. To the extent you want privacy, you can have it. It just depends on how much you engage the community. I like to socialize with the townspeople in the local bars, but I do maintain an arm's-length distance with anyone up there, and I only really have two good friends with whom I engage consistently. I will say though, that if you want to go to a bar and just have a quiet drink or lunch by yourself, it's unlikely that will happen as there will usually be someone you know. Further, townie social-life gets really old quite fast, and I do always miss the larger venues of the city in which I can remain anonymous and unknown. As for restaurant variety, that's a tough one. If you're a big foodie, you're going to miss authentic foreign cuisines. But my rural home has good, high-quality restaurants in the area generally and I really don't miss getting Thai, Indian, or whatever cuisine all that much. And if I want it, I make it myself which I enjoy. I do miss city shopping. Clothing sucks in rural areas.

And nothing beats quiet nights in the country. The evenings are exceptionally beautiful, with lots of nature sounds and bird songs, jet black skies filled with stars and moonlight that you can practically read by, clean, fresh air and just an air of calm that really lets one unwind. I have to admit, I really do feel bad for those who are uber-cosmopolitan so dependent on "city-life" that they never experience the calm that rural life provides. Really, I enjoy my time in my rural area far more than I do in the city.

R64, don't do it. True story: 1st trip to the grocery store I bought tofu, prompting the obvious question. Yes, I'm a vegetarian. 3 days later, I go to the library to get a card and the librarian says she heard there was a new vegetarian in town. Next day, Post Office: "Are you the vegetarian?". "Yes, and could you please hold my mail and give me a change of address form. Thank you."

The house was idyllic, just what you would want, cozy, wood burning stove, lovely deck surrounded by trees, and deer and deer ticks and bears! So cute, but you can't really relax on the deck listening for every twig breaking. Also, a racoon got into the attic. Couldn't wait to get back to the Bronx.

We live in a town of about 300, but you only see about 100, the rest hide away.

It is very inconvenient as we are far from all major services, so a lot of driving is needed.

In a small town, everyone knows too much about everyone else. Gossip spreads like wildfire. There is no real privacy. Ironically, you get more privacy in a big city.

In general, I don't recommend small town life, unless you REALLY like the people in the town. You'll be stuck with them.

All of you small towners, what will you do if delivery service ever gets interrupted?

I hear "Amazon, Amazon, Amazon," but what if there were some sort of crisis, where Amazon couldn't reach you? Or they just stop delivering to your area?

Sounds like you might just be screwed.

you move to an ex burg. 30 minutes in but all the stuff you need. gawd.

I grew up in Portland, OR and moved to LA as soon as I turned 18. My partner grew up in a town of 500 people, and lived in the Midwest his entire life until he met me (we were both at a bar in Chicago on vacation). We moved to Atlanta together at first, because we both had job opportunities there, and wanted to be together. We went back to his town to visit his parents, and I went to the grocery store alone (half hour drive each way) because I wasn’t going to eat his parent’s slop food (they don’t eat vegetables, but that’s another thread). The store was tiny, with maybe 5-6 shoppers. Some lady in her 60’s came up and said “Oh, you must be ‘X’s’ husband. I can tell because you’re so handsome!” You can’t take a shit without people knowing your business. That would drive me insane.

I've lived in small towns and I've lived in cities and I enjoyed them both. The only places that are consistently awful imo are highly populated suburbs. As an oddball introvert, I have more issues in suburbia than I do in cities or small towns.

R61 Agree on your assessment of suburbanites. They are mostly vile and crushingly conformist.

R61 Yeah. You'll meet eccentrics in cities and in small towns but far less often in suburbs.

It really depends on whether you have a connection to the place and what you like to do. I have a friend who like R24 moved to a small town in Ohio because of a partner. The partner's family had a business in town and it was OK for him, although it was obvious that everyone knew your business---they built a house away from the main town which afforded some privacy. The partner's family position helped my friend set-up a business.

OTOH, moving somewhere cold would be difficult. You could easily wind up in a place that is very closed socially that would be that way, your being gay or otherwise. There's always someone who suggests living in a college town, but if you're neither town nor gown, you're not going to have social entree into things. Also, college towns can be the worst both worlds--insular, lacking in privacy but also snobbish (on the gown side).

You will discover whether shopping, culture (high or low), restaurants, etc. mean something to you very quickly in a small place. If you want to be some place where nothing much happens, a car is a necessity, and you may need to plan extensively for anything more complicated than buying athletic socks, the a small place will be for you. If you're interests are things like gardening, refinishing furniture, etc---time consuming homebody stuff, it may be for you. But keep in mind that hookups will be adventures and cultivating intimate relationships will be challenging.

Former small town dweller here. Be prepared for even doctors, nurses, etc., to be blabbermouths.

Be aware of how far away you are from a university, even a state university. If you end up very far, there has already been a brain drain. All the smart people have gone away to college and have probably not returned to Tiny Town.

What's left? A bunch of gossiping dummies. One of my friends was involved in an infamous, embarrassing, negative event. The event was splashed on the headlines. Yet, this same friend continued to love gossip.

I was intellectually lonely in Tiny Town. (No, I'm not trying to say I'm Einstein.)

I moved to a small town with partner. Too late, I realized it was heavily military with the women mostly “baby elephants” with 3 or 4 kids. I’m sure they are happy enough, given their very low expectations. But FUCK ME! It was torture for an reasonably intelligent person.

Is it easy to live as a single gay man in a small town or village? Not seeking an active hookup lifestyle but just about being left alone and not hassled. Maybe a few guests now and then.

R90. You’re question is answered numerous times: No

It’s not a place for whores. The pickings are slim.

not so much anymore with amazon and high-speed internet/connectivity.........

R93 amazon delivers hot guys?

I mentioned this recently in another thread, but a friend has a perennial itch to move to some quaint idyllic spot where she can enjoy, finally, a perfect life.

She spent her first thirty-some years in NYC, then in three other major and desirable U.S. cities, and she has travelled quite a lot. At least a couple of times a year she will is so disgusted with national politics that she wants to move country, or in calmer times, move out of the city to some Midsomer Murders sort of Cotswoldsy village, or a Cabot-sy Cove-sy bit of craggy coast, or a mountain retreat with gorgeous woods and a community of enlightened liberal artists. She will grill me with a hundred questions asking for suggestions, or "what about that town you mentioned in...?"

It's always the same, though. She presses for suggestions and I try to narrow the scope and then give her a range of suggestions to see what catches her interest. She will get quite enthusiastic for the idea, then drop it: she's afraid there won't be a place anything like Balducci's in the community of 8000, or that the one synagogue might not be liberal enough for her, or that the quality of artists in the community isn't up the level that she would like, or that there are not enough psychiatrists in private practice, or that it's too far from the ocean ("You did ask for mountains!"), or that maybe she would miss live classical music and experimental theatre, or that the roads are too steep for her little car, or that she would need a little car, or that the clothing shops aren't dowdy and Republican, or scores of other reasons. Oh, and her budget is something under $200K, "preferably well under," for an historic two-bedroom cottage with a separate artist's studio and little cottage garden in a highly desirable community within easy commuting distance of NYC.

She just likes twice yearly to indulge in wishful thinking. I learned this quickly enough and will play along to a point. When both of us are in on the joke it makes for a bit of fun, but really it's just a mind game.

I think of my friend often on DL because there seems to be no shortage of people who hold out impossible requirements as a mental exercise in justifying staying exactly where they are.

R95 She should go to rural Bavaria, especially near the Czech border!

I'm looking into the suburban option, more specifically, an older town that was later absorbed by the suburbia of a nearby city. My friend lives in one, with its old charm main street, old homes, waterfront, commuter train.

i am in a small town 30 minute drive to a million plus metro. i have none of these problems.

I moved to a small town in Washington state with the intent of relocating to Seattle when I had enough money in the early 2000's, then came the one two punch of Microsoft and then Amazon which meant goodbye affordable rents, I do miss the idea what may have been but my mortgage is only $625 for a 3 bedroom house and unlike most comments here the "Seattle Freeze" seems to extend to here where I can go days without having to speak to a single person and vice versa.

Albany and Schenectady both date from the 1600's. Consequently, the entire area was settled and developed as a series of small villages that grew together. Small town after small town is sandwiched into the area. All together, the population is nearly a million. You can live in a small town and have easy access to a fine food co-op, Trader Joe, Whole Foods, and, of course, DL's favorte, Aldi. Or you can go a little further out for your small town and not be nearly so connected. Alternatively, just 150 miles away are Boston and New York City.

The internet papers over gaps, but there are not that many.

[quote] You’re question is answered numerous times

Oh, dear!

[quote] It's always the same, though. She presses for suggestions and I try to narrow the scope and then give her a range of suggestions to see what catches her interest. She will get quite enthusiastic for the idea, then drop it: she's afraid ... that there are not enough psychiatrists in private practice, or that it's too far from the ocean ("You did ask for mountains!"), or that maybe she would miss live classical music and experimental theatre, or that the roads are too steep for her little car...or scores of other reasons.

[quote] She just likes twice yearly to indulge in wishful thinking.

Haha. Your friend sounds just like me! I do that all the time.

r98, if you're 30 minutes outside of a major city, you're in a suburb, not a "small town."

i'm sure you know better than i...

it will be in 10 years.

[quote]amazon delivers hot guys?

Give us time ...

We have lived in a very small town for over 35 yrs. We have never considered going back. At first, there were inconveniences but with the advent of the internet and online shopping, it is very easy. Yes, we lose power occasionally but we have a generator. It is quiet and lovely here all year long. We have screaming internet service and emergency help is a couple of minutes away. There is a medium-sized city within 30 minutes. Kaiser, Costco, and all major retail stores are there. The only thing I miss is being able to go out to dinner easily. No local fast food (not really a bad thing) or good Chinese or ethnic cuisine nearby.

Booo yah!!!

Much of the country doesn't fit neatly into the urban, suburban, rural categories. I live in a metropolitan area of 500,000 and it's really a combination of all three to varying degrees. The Lehigh Valley of Pennsylvania mentioned already is a perfect example.

There's a true crime novel called "Final Harvest: An American Tragedy." It's about the Ruthton banker murders in 1983. A big, jovial man named Rudy Blythe, a city dweller, moved with his wife and son to a small town in Minnesota and was the President of the local bank. He had an idealized view of what life would be like in a small town; he would help the local people get loans, and he and his family would live a peaceful, healthful, idyllic life in the country, surrounded by the gentle townspeople who liked and admired him for helping them. WRONG! The people there were suspicious of him and had no liking for him or his poor wife and son. Being head of the bank was a thankless job, and the townspeople generally shunned him and his family due to resentment. They thought the Blythes were RICH, and you know snotty those rich folks are! Actually, they weren't rich (they were middle class) and they weren't snotty. Life quickly became stifling and boring and Rudy Blythe rethought their situation and they were planning on moving. But before that could happen Blythe and his loan officer were both murdered by a father and son who wanted revenge for Blythe's having foreclosed on the father's farm. The farmer was a deranged creep, a total failure in life, a horror story. He committed suicide before he could be tried for the murders but his son was arrested and convicted of first and second degree murder. He did about 30 years in prison and was then paroled.

What a wretched story. My heart really went out to the Blythe family. I could have told them myself that rural people tend to be awful. Blythe's young son got a Yankees baseball uniform for Christmas. All excited, he wore it to school, where he was jeered at by his rotten classmates who that that HERE the baseball team was the Minnesota Twins. Blythe's wife went to great trouble to host a welcome gathering for the local females; she stayed up all night making finger sandwiches and polishing her best silver. She wanted it to be as nice as possible. But did they appreciate her efforts? Hell, no! They sneered at the finger sandwiches; we like HEARTY sandwiches. She served tea and they didn't like that; they preferred coffee. And they thought she was "showing off" by using her good silver tea service. Yes, I felt really sorry for the poor Blythes. But Rudy Blythe REALLY had the wrong idea about small towns. They tend to be dreadful, and only a certain type (apathetic and uneducated and boorish) tends to want to live there their whole lives.

R97, Sou dwelling like Newburyport, MA.

R109 should be "Sounds like...."

I lived in a small town about 140 mi from the nearest big city, and 70 miles from the nearest small city. My small town was full of wealthy tourists and seasonal visitors. And it had a small college. It had great shopping and restaurants. However, said restaurants and shops were always packed on the weekends, as were the roads. Students would often clean out the grocery stores on the weekends. Because of the tony location and students, rents were twice the state average.

Students were young and closeted. There were no gay activities off campus. If you didn't like the outdoor activities available, there was nothing else to do.

The biggest downside was the lack of medical care. Most of the core townie population did not have good or any health insurance. The college had its own clinic for students, not available to the public. There was one hospital of poor reputation. The town was a revolving door for doctors, as they quickly learned there wasn't enough business to go around. There were virtually no specialists, and no mental health clinics, only a handful of private practitioners. You had to go to the town 70 miles away for some things like a CT scan or psychiatrist prescription, and the city 140 miles away for most other things.

I tired of this lifestyle after 2 years, got a new job and moved away.

r105 Where are you? Sounds pretty ideal. What's the weather like?

I was going to ask the same question, R112! It sounds like a really nice place.

But I have a feeling that R105 is going to keep it a secret, for obvious reasons.

R111, totally agree about medical care in a small town. Every time I got used to a doctor, they moved. Also, it's not so great going to the same psychotherapist that my own clients went to. I had to find someone who my clients (or at least most of them) didn't go to.

College towns are the best compromise. I've read somewhere that 100,000 people is the perfect size for a place to live.

If R105 is close to Kaiser, he is almost certainly on the West Coast, probably in California.

R108 is dumb.

I'm one of those people who hold the view that "Hell is other people". So I moved to an exurb of a large city. It's not a suburb, because the commute would be too long, but an exurb. A lot of the homes look suburban but they're spaced out enough that some of my neighbors have livestock. I know three of my near neighbors reasonably well, meaning I can ask them for help in a pinch and will help them out when needed, but we're not truly friends.

This is a red county in a blue state, so there's a mix of people politically. Some of the Trumpers are demented, but to be fair, I find some of the woke crowd pretty annoying too.

I am close enough to nearby small cities that I can find decent doctors and hospitals. My town has few stores, but the next town over has most of what I need, and it's a 15 minute drive because there is no traffic.

This place suited me fine until my partner died. Now I'm lonely a lot of the time, and with Covid around, even more so. Even if I wanted to go online to look for partners, meeting strangers during a time where a significant # of people think that a global pandemic is a political hoax is just not appealing at all.

I have been thinking of moving, but would not consider doing so until the world's health situation was more stable. I get most of my stuff delivered now, and make trips to markets just for fresh food at times when the stores are the least crowded. I don't know where I want to go in any case. There were a lot of things I enjoyed about this area, but grief kind of took a lot of pleasure from life. So I'm not even sure my discontent is with the place I'm in as much as with myself.

Sorry for your loss R118. Hang in there.

Live about 50 miles from a large city so I go in every other week to go to museums, shop, try different restaurants and maybe hook up with someone. I work at a non-profit I like in a town of 20,000 or so and there's enough to keep you busy during the week but gay life is non-existent except for the closet cases on Scruff. Housing is cheap and the pace is easy, plus my commute is about five minutes on a busy day. I don't plan on dying here but it's good enough for right now.

I just adore a penthouse view!

R117 is a small town clod.

In Stephen King's "Salem's Lot" the writer Ben and the teacher Matt are talking and Matt says the infamous Marsten house "has looked down on us all for almost fifty years, at all our little peccadilloes and sins and lies." Ben says "maybe, it's seen the good, too" and Matt replies "there's little good in sedentary small towns. Mostly indifference spiced with an occasional vapid evil....or worse, a conscious one." Stephen King seems to have known what small towns are like pretty well. That's a really good description of them.

r116 There are Kaiser facilities in other parts of the country.

No one said there weren't, R124. No one said there weren't. But the operations are tiny compared to California, Oregon and Washington State. The likelihood of the West Coast is enormous. And that's all I stated.

is r123 the creepy murder story person too?

No secret. Sonoma county, Ca.

R122, no I'm not.

Sonoma, R127?

Oh, lord. Even if you're in a small town, you're not far away from anything.

You have Sacramento, San Francisco and Oakland all nearby.

No wonder you're so content. But we're talking REAL small towns, like you would find in the Midwest or New England.

I’m in a small town but I’m not far away from anything.

That being said - everyone knows you’re business here.

I’ll never forget when I first moved to the area, we have on street parking. I parked at the end of the street, it’s also a touristy town and parking can be tight. Probably 25 cars on the block. a half hour later I hear a knock at the door.

I went downstairs to answer and these two woman were there. I had no idea who they were - I’d only been there a couple days or so. They said to me “you left your car lights on”

I thanked them and quietly thought - how do they know my car, and how do they know where I live on this block?

Everyone knows everything here.

r127 I've been thinking about Sonoma Co. I have a relative who lives in Cloverdale, and a good friend in Rohnert Park, and I had other family who lived in Santa Rosa for years. I go up there all the time (rented places for a month in both Healdsburg and SR.) It seems ideal in a lot of ways.

Oh, and I have a rental property in Napa that I inherited. It's a cute little house, but I wouldn't want to live in it. (And the rent I get for it is outrageous.)

I love western Sonoma Co. I can’t imagine a more ideal small town area to live. Much more liberal than most, access to a beautiful coast, stunning landscapes, CA political leadership - and ability to spend a weekend in SF whenever you want. It’s always been my dream. But at 53, it’s fading. Not a place to retire given lack of medical care.

Sonoma is too damned expensive for the average person.

And it's not really a small town so much as it is an enclave for the rich.

R134. I live in western Sonoma county, not the town Sonoma. Population where I live is fewer than 1200.

Dear R135,

You have over 2,000,000 people within a 50 mile radius.

You are not a small town.

You are a suburb.