Parental Advice: How to Handle a Lonely Kid

I had great difficulty making friends when I was in elementary school. I was effeminate and nerdy. I could tell my parents were concerned for me. One day, my dad sat me down and said, "Hey, *I'll* be your friend." As a kid, I thought it was cheesy. Now, as an adult, I can see it as the touching gesture it was intended to be, and it brings me to tears.

Given your kid's not going to be attending in-person school any time soon, nor is having friends over advisable, I wouldn't worry about it. Just consider him an early adopter of social distancing.

Oh, yeah, and the other thing you should do is keep this fraushit off DL.

R1 Awww 😢. I'll be your friend too!

Give the kid up for adoption in that scenario. He is obviously going to be a serial killer and you want to pass that little hot potato on so you won't be blamed for his upbringing later on.

Whatever you do, don't just ignore it and hope it goes away.

Wow R1, you made me tear up. That was special and thanks for sharing. And like R2, I would be proud to be your friend.

I would speak to the school and his teacher(s). They should have an idea of what's going on with him. Other thoughts are a child psychiatrist - actually my mom went that route. I was more alone but okay. Maybe that has brought me into the sort of lone wolf stage I am in now. But, I'm okay with it. 58 and living in WeHo. I have friends and putting more effort into looking for a soul mate now.

Why not ask the kid?

This isn’t an isolated or abnormal, unhealthy experience.

Yes, autism can be at play, but so can many other things. Kids with high IQs experience an internal life that is not the same as other kids and they perceive the world around them differently. There are some kids that literally do not relate to kids their age, and find it boring g or non productive to do so. So yeah, sometimes it is environment and that’s not anyone’s fault, just the way the kid is.

Another thing is, people experience the need for autonomy, independence, friendships and being parts of groups differently in their own lives, at different times of their lives, and this includes children.

People freak out when they see someone who is a loner, however, loners aren’t always lonely, nor are people who experience temporary or situational loneliness, always loners. These things can and are fluid, and the person experiencing them may be completely aware of these nuances, and completely comfortable with them, including kids.

I think this threatens the people who observe this, when there’s no threat placed to the person experiencing this, nor is there a threat placed to others, because the person in question experiences it.

Talking to the kid and listening to how they see the world around them and how they relate to it is more important than asking why he appears to have no friends. Maybe he doesn’t feel it necessary at this time, and later, changes his mind for whatever reasons.

People are complex, as are children, and though it may seem alarming that they’re perfectly capable of being alone for a period of time for reasons we don’t understand, they themselves might understand, and be perfectly healthy and OK with it.

This is summer. What school is in session? Also, even if school is in session, what school has in-person classrooms in a building?

You can get in contact with people even if the school is not in session...

Begone fray cunts.

R8, kids have friends in the summer, too.

But this summer is definitely a different one and an exception for all, kids included.

I learned last night that more 5 of my former coworkers have tested positive for corona virus in the last 2 weeks. All under the age of 40. And o found this out from a friend who went back to work early, then was recently let go from a position she never had the chance to even begin. We were supposed to be working together now, as a matter of fact, but people were taken off their upcoming assignments and either redistributed to other locations, or asked to wait until work picks back up again.

My friend chose to go to a different location I did not want to go to. Now she has been placed off duty, waiting for her CoVid-19 test this coming Wednesday. She worked with a group of people where 5 people have just tested positive for the virus. 2 are very sick and hospitalized with breathing problems and the others are fine. She herself, is running a low grade fever, coughing and can’t smell or taste anything. She’s not isolating at home in her own room, alone. She’s got her boyfriend, whose a truck driver, right next to her, and he spends time with his kids regularly.

Again, VERY few people in this area are taking masks and social distancing seriously. This virus is still spreading like crazy and because most who refuse to wear masks are younger, they’re the ones being affected. And the numbers are starting to show that the biggest cause of transmission outside of going back to work and re-opening early, is transmission at home, by those who refuse to wear masks, when working or shopping or wherever, and coming back home, infecting their families or roommates.

I wouldn’t want my kids out and about this summer. It sucks, but other parents cannot be trusted to protect your kids when playing with theirs. Even if they say the kids will stay in the yard, no one can guarantee that the virus will, and as soon as the kid walks in your house, passes it to you.

First the elderly, now younger people, next, kids.

We could have had this taken care of comparable to New Zealand or South Korea by now. If we had leaders who gave a shit about public health when giving a shit counted, we’d probably be OK right now.

Not that it’s easy to do right now, but build communities and social circles outside of school for him. Sign him up for classes, church groups, outdoor adventures, nurture hobbies, music? Theatre? Volunteer! Try it all. The more kids he meets the more likely he might click with someone. Plus, he will be discovering his interests and talents along the way. Even if he had healthy social circles at school I would give you the same advice. Friendships come and go throughout school. It’s good to cultivate relationships in various settings.

Also, some kids need explicit modeling or scripting to engage with others. Conversations starter ideas, phrasing open ended questions, how to be an active listener. A social skills group might be good for him.

Book suggestion - How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teens.

Also, assure him he will find his peeps. Sometimes we really don’t have much in common with the pool of people we have to choose from. Unfortunately, our locations can be limiting. Keep lifting him up and teach him how to be a good friend. Be his friend. Model friendships. Invite him out when you socialize with your adult friends. When the right friend comes along he will be ready.

If he is an introvert, give him space and lots of down time after socializing. He will need it.

don't be a cheapskate, buy him some friends darling.

OP, I agree with much of what has been written, as a parent you must be proactive. Of course, it is not your fault some of us are wired for solitude. However, learning how to build relationships is a life-skill and should be part of the formative years. Find venues for your child to socialize with others who might share his interests. What does he like -- video games, comic books, basketball, karate, dungeons and dragons, etc. Find groups and put him in those groups.

Well I know what [italic]I'd[/italic] do...

OP: DL is not the place for this (unless you suspect your kid is gay). So, be ready for the anti-frau, anti-kid snark! Here is a good site with advice. Google “lonely kid advice”. TONS of articles.

As others have said, get him involved in activities like groups and clubs. He'll find friends through common interests.

Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts were really helpful for me. I was a shy kid but still have friends from the troop 30 years later.

Teach him how to have fun on his own. Masturbation is cheap and can keep him occupied.

First thing is to let the child know he is loved and not to pressure him to make friends. As R12 mentioned, he could be an introvert.

I was fine in kindergarten because I knew most of the kids because our parents socialized. When I entered the first grade I didn't know anyone in the classroom and didn't make friends at first. My parents were concerned and they invited kids my age from school. Very awkward. By the second grade I knew how this school thing worked and started to come out of my shell. So much so, by the time I entered high school you couldn't shut me up and found myself the lead in a couple of school plays. Through the years my parents supported me by recommending groups I may wish to join, which I did.

Love, listen, support (repeat)

I'm a lonely eldergay. No one wants to hook up with me. Everyone got invited to Steve's weekend birthday party at Fire Island but me. At the bath house I eat my free Costco cheeseburger sitting alone in a corner. I tried the Golden Girls discussion group but they said my observations were trite and lacked insight. I think I need to go to the Help Centah!

What the fuck, OP? This is DataLounge, not Woman's Day.

Let me FTFY

Is there a nice Priest in your town you could have him talk to?

R20, they have hamburgers at your bathhouse???

R20 is this a reference to something?