Why do my dates keep ghosting me?

I wish I could meet you. And follow up if it went well.

{quote]I'm in my late 40s

...and there's your answer

You're not alone, OP. And you're right, most of these guys are looking for someone who doesn't exist.

I have a friend in his 50's who's never been in a relationship because he 'picks out the china pattern' the minute he meets a guy, sees him a second time and fixates on all the things that he considers 'red flags' and then just ghosts.

It's probably not you, OP. It's them.

Most people aren't secure enough in themselves to say or text or voicemail that they're just not that into you. I have no idea whether you're getting a fair shake or not but the fact is most people struggle with being the one to deliver bad news and no wanting another go is bad news. So they ghost.

OP? You think gay men are bad? Try lesbians!

Why are you single in your late 40s?

Just trying to be helpful. Maybe something you are representing isn’t matching up when they meet you? Sometimes if pics don’t look accurate or if someone isn’t as masculine, ripped or who knows what then reality doesn’t match the fantasy. I never liked online dating for this reason as it seems one is often letting the other down. I also had a friend who required a gum transplant and nobody had the nerve to tell him that a cloud followed him around.

It's probably that mole on your upper lip

Halitosis.

[quote]One thing I've noticed is that so many gay men in the 40s to 50s age range I date seem to be looking for someone who doesn't exist. They want all their requirements for a mate in place or it's no deal.

There's a reason why people in general that age aren't already in a relationship - they probably ARE looking for someone who doesn't exist...or at least wouldn't have THEM if they did.

OP if they're ghosting you after one date and not at least pretending to set up another one, it means you have something about you that isn't shown on your dating profile. It could be bad manners, halitosis (as suggested), body odor, odd garments, spitting when you talk or not closing your mouth when you eat, or even your voice or laugh could be obnoxious. It can also be what you discussed on your date - was it first date topics, or were you talking about your desire to have children and move to Guam? Once or twice you can write off, but if it's happened enough there's a trend, it's something about you or something you're doing that's driving them away.

You might also look at the type of guys you're approaching, but my guess it's something you're not noticing about yourself.

At least you're getting first dates. At 50 I can't even get those.

I came out in my mid-30s. I had a lot of this kind of experience. It took a while for me to realize that what were, for me "dates" were for the other guy "tricks." I was looking for a boyfriend. They were looking for a one-night stand. So they used their marketing sense to appeal to me as a potential customer. It took a while, but, eventually, I came to understand this.

Do they ghost you before or after you sleep with them?

It's not just gay men, it's ALL men.

Your mistake is that you're limiting yourself to dating guys in their 40s. Stop that. Open yourself up to whoever rings your bell. Also, a lot of gay relationships among my friends started as a sex date. The love part came later. So don't be such a prude. Go on Grindr, not just Tinder. You know why the Tinder guys are ghosting you? Cause they're so busy screwing guys they met on Grindr.

Have you tried presenting hole?

By the way, among my male friends who are in their 40s and 50s and have never had relationships, one thing is absolutely consistent among them be they gay or straight: they still apparently see themselves as 20 and hot and they are only attracted to men or women who they might have bedded at that age. It astonishes me that a friend of min, who is 64 and has not taken care of himself and looks like a fucking old man is only attracted to women in their 20s. Every time I see this I say to myself "no wonder you're alone. And you'll always be alone." And indeed, he will die alone. So as someone said above, there is a reason guys reach that age without significant relationships. You cannot expect anything from them. You should look for a guy who was in a long-term relationship before you, if you want someone around your age.

Stay healthy and keep up your physical appearance as much as possible, maintain a positive attitude, and go on as many dates as possible. Be accepting of everybody including the guys that don’t look like models.

I agree with R16 that it is men in general. I know many women in their 40’s to 60’s who are attractive, very pleasant, often financially comfortable who can’t find a male companion. Most have given up and hang with each other. (They may actually be better off) I don’t come out to everyone so get a fair number of hits from this group. So, the dating problem is pretty universal.

It all works out eventually. You just have to find the right guy.

You should always undersell yourself when it comes to apps, op. Post your third and fourth best photos on your profile, maybe add a few pounds, or dock an inch off your height in your profile. Then, once you've connected online, and finally meet up in person, they are pleasantly surprised to get someone better than they expected and will want to see you again. It also weeds out the superficial queens who only want perfect 10s from the start.

Or you can just put out. That seems to work too.

R18 Oh please, that’s not the solution for everything

If that was the answer, R2, they wouldn't go out with him in the first place.

I suspect they're either looking for hookups rather than dates and aren't being honest about it in their profiles, or they decided they're too old to waste their time if they don't experience love at first sight.

OP, you say they have been "great dates." Do you really get the sense that the dates have gone well and the other person has enjoyed the date as much as you have?

I assume you are American. I've written about being ghosted on an unrelated thread, where I, an Anglophone foreigner, have been surprised to have been ghosted by Americans I have met in social situations who had said they wanted to get together in future. (Not a dating or sexual thing; I am married.)

Possibly a foreigner might say to you, "I've enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we should take this any further." At least you'd know where you stand.

But I think seeing a dating coach would be a good idea and you might get some feedback about what you might be doing that is putting people off. After that, it's really a numbers game. Hang in there.

[quote] I send one text so Im not bombing anyone.

Sure, Jan.

Unlike with lesbians, gay men simply have to come to terms with the fact that once you hit your 40s and 50s, you are essentially invisible. There is no point in trying to date anymore.

OP this isn’t much help to you but once I turned 50 I recognised that I wasn’t going to meet the next big thing in my life and focused on having lots of sex with age appropriate men (my age +/- ten years). It made me sad to accept that but it’s my reality. And the sex is fun. It’s a relief not to be looking for anything more.

Did OPs date kill him?

Great thread, OP. Dating (especially online, app-based) seems impossible now. I can get 100 matches on Tinder and have maybe one or two actually engage in messaging. It's like everyone is waiting for someone better (someone who doesn't exist) or is just a validation addict. On the rare occasion that a guy does engage on an app, it's like a goddamned interview: me asking question after question and thy just answer, without ever volleying a question back to me, like in a normal conversation. It's maddening.

Are you uptight and formal?

Who needs it.

Plenty of young guys like hot daddies. Tons in fact. I wouldn't exclude them from your dating profile.

Are you sure you're hot enough? Maybe a bit out of shape?

I agree, consult a dating coach. You're missing something critical in the assessment of your dates.

I'm 59 and if I want a date, I have to turn to guys in their 20s. Guys my age are not interested in me, they all want younger guys.

In the words of Granny Clampett:

“15 & 16, a girl’s in her prime.

17 & 18, she’s still got time.

19 & 20, she’s almost done.

After that, Paw get a gun.”

There's some truth to R35's observations.

Meeting men of similar age seems the ideal solution yet it often comes with some very high expectations (both outward and inward.) Guys who are slutty in another situation won't fuck and spoil some image of a first date that is conducted more as a job interview, scoring the responses as they go; or you meet and within three minutes he wants to fuck right now or get back to his other plans. Some men are just lonely and empty out their whole story and that's it, a sort of emotional ejaculation and they scurry off. There's lots of reasons and techniques, but I think a lot of men in their 50s want way too much and they know it, yet now and then they test their own theory certain of the outcome.

Contrary to expectation I've met calm and self-aware men in their late 20s - early 40s who said simply, "I liked your profile and your looks and wanted to meet; it turns out that I'm not interested in men my age and younger; and I thought you seemed interesting and that we should meet" - a better, more straight-forward reasoning than I usually got from an age peers.

Do you put out on the first date or interrogate people like they are applying for a high security job in the White House?

Truth of the day: Straight guys if the first few dates are good you get sex. Gay guys, if the first few sex hookups are good you get dates.

OP are you late 40s or 50? You have stated both before. People don’t like liars.

I don’t put my hottest pics out there on the apps. The first nude I send has me flaccid with a couple of pounds I’m not carrying right now. That way there is no disappointment when we meet.

However, if your pics are pretty accurate and everything flows well until the “date”, I would look at the conversation. Gay men are usually opinionated. If you reach 50 and don’t know how to let the other person express their beliefs without throwing yours at them, then you are not fun to be around. I’m not saying you do that OP, but I watch lots of guys who want a boyfriend mess it up because because they don’t give the other person proper respect.

I also agree about loosening your age guidelines. I have a FB in his 20s. Neither one of us have any expectations, but we do manage to have interesting conversation. I don’t try to “bring him along” on anything. letting him open up to me is much more interesting and informative.

Let's title this

Tim Tebow learns what a penis can do.

Wink wink

What Aaron h showed me in the dorms.

I cant believe that so called "mature" adults in their 40's are pulling this fucken bullshit.. I'd kind of understand it from a teenager - but I am NOT in the habit of dating teenagers! Anyone who has got to 40 and is still ghosting people needs to grow up and get some motherfuckin balls

Damn glad I aint in the dating game no more, at least as far as an LTR goes. Fuck this bullshit

It seems people have become noncommittal. They would rather be with their cat and watch Netflix at nights. Say one wrong thing and you're blocked from a contact list.

You gotta get a gimmick, OP!

My sister has this problem. She believes everything every guy tells her, goes all in on the first date, and has zero ability to keep her emotional guard up. She gets hurt over and over again became she does not learn. Very sad.

[quote] seem to be looking for someone who doesn't exist

That's exactly right. I'm in a relationship, and have been for a while. But, most single friends - who are all great guys - say similar things. The expectations are for these non-realistic creatures they've concocted in their heads. I also think sometimes people meet someone who DOES turn out to be great (maybe that's you, OP?) and then they ghost the person because then they realize they're actually the ones who don't feel they can make the cut.

That’s what I am thinking. OP, could it be that they don’t believe that they “measure up”?

Are you intimidating?

Also, a lot of people need 24/7 stimulation and adrenaline as a result of becoming addicted to digital interaction and the chemical results of digital communication.

In other words, they aren’t looking for a normal, healthy relationship.

They are just going from adreline fix to dopamine rush etc... these devices have hijacted millions of people’s brains and they don’t function independently anymore.

They go to the “device” to regulate their emotions. They don’t even want a relationship, they just need their next “fix”.

The devices are replacing the need for human interactions at younger and younger ages.

These next generations will not be able to function normally because they have offloaded their chemical processes and chemical development and even physical development (memory, problem solving, cognitive development) onto the actual devices.

In other words, they are becoming part digital and part organic.

[quote] Most people aren't secure enough in themselves to say or text or voicemail that they're just not that into you.[quote]

I'm embarrassed to say I've ghosted a guy or two (or have responded with 'I'm busy that night' giving the impression I would be up for another date/fuck when I'm not). But what is a good way to let someone know that you're just not interested ? And is hearing the truth A:WAYS better than being ghosted?

R49 Hearing or telling the truth is always (in my opinion) better than being ghosted or doing the ghosting.

In those circumstances I always say “I enjoyed meeting you but I didn’t feel a connection” and I always get a “thanks for being honest instead of ghosting me” response.

Which makes subsequently running into them not embarrassing or awkward. I’ve even made a couple of new friends this way.

The whole ghosting thing is poisonous! And it extends into other areas - it’s now standing procedure for recruiters (I’m a contractor so I deal with a lot of recruiters) to communicate that I haven’t got the job or am not proceeding into the next round of interviews by ghosting. Yet they regularly post on LinkedIn about how terrible it is that interviewees regularly ghost them and how unprofessional it is.