I had a huge fight with my best friend of 25 years

Probably because you post so many made-up threads a day, each of which are far too long.

At a restaurant? Was everyone social distancing?

Buy a shotgun and then kill yourself

[quote]each of which are far too long.

Oh, dear.

I had a disconnect from a friend (he was originally my husband's friend from college), but it wasn't due to one specific event. It was more of a series of smaller revelations that showed his character was not someone we (my husband and I) had any interest in keeping in our lives. Since I don't have the specifics on your argument, OP, I can't say if this applies to you, but if the argument revealed that your friend is or has become someone you no longer can connect with, it may be time to let it go.

Yes, R2.

[quote]I won't go into details

Well, I guess that is something to be grateful for.

I recently had to dump a friend of over 40 years. But he's 65 years old and tweaking. A lot. His behavior has become extremely erratic and hostile.

It sucks, OP. But you have to take care of yourself.

But without OP going into any details, we can’t give any meaningful advice.

OP, if the fight was over something petty, then you can move past it. If it was a revelation like he stole money from you or is really a racist then no, you must punch and delete.

[quote]But without OP going into any details, we can’t give any meaningful advice.

And that is something you feel a need to do?

R8 same thing is happening with my (ex) friend.

Not tweaking, but the Covid thing has really changed his personality.

He had been in a very depressed mood, and I have actually been keeping him company a lot, to get him out of that funk.

Which makes me even more upset that he just turned on me the way he did.

[quote]I won't go into details

I guess your friend was right.

If he is seriously depressed, he may not be himself, and quite possibly might be quite mentally ill. Perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt, ask him if he's ok and perhaps suggest professional help, Don't let 25 years of friendship go like that, he may be ill.

A song pick that will speak to you, dear OP..

I’m in the midst of a similar situation. My ex-friend of 25 years is diagnosed bipolar and a serial addict. Most of her behavior didn’t affect me as we were on different coasts but I got burned last fall. I blame myself for being too naive to realize she had relapsed and caught up in an ego trip thinking I could somehow help her out. She can be caring and insightful when balanced and sober but it’s not worth it. I’m no longer angry at her however when she reached out to me through mutual friends I made it clear that she won’t be unblocked. It’s so much easier not having this person in my life. Nostalgia and blind loyalty isn’t enough. I would recommend waiting to decide whether you want to speak until after the anger has subsided. You can forgive a person without allowing them into your orbit again. OTOH if it was truly just a disagreement give it some room to breathe.

I had a best friend and she eventually got jealous at my boyfriend, she thought I spent too much time with him. I didn't agree, she sent me a long email why I had been such a bad friend spending too little time with her and the mail ended with "have a nice life". I didn't bother to respond and for the next 12 years we didn't communicate or see each other. Then at some point she added me on facebook and she wanted to go to a gig together of one of our fav bands for old time's sake. I went, we had fun, we sometimes still meet up but not too often. We always have a good time.

Been there, done that OP. Thankfully it was all many years ago and I finally recognized that many of my supposed "close friends" were just fair weather friends. What I still refer to as "the purge" started with a huge argument with 2 of them who showed their true colors once to many times. A few days after I dumped those two users I decided to rid myself of all the others who were never my real friends. I never looked back. I've learned to be very careful with the word "friend". Being friendly with someone does not make that person your friend.

OP - Is your best friend's name Julie by any chance?

Scenes from Florida.

Psychotic depression is not that uncommon. Without knowing any details, it's impossible to say, of course, but if you notice weirdness or sudden changes in personality, it could be a psychotic episode.

In any case, good luck!

R9. I guess those two sins are equally as sinful and unacceptable.

Believe us, OP, we have no problem if you go into details.

It's not mental illness.

My friend is a Department Head of a governmental organization. Upper level management.

He has always been high maintenance, but working from home has taken him out of his very busy life and strict routine, and it seems to have impacted him a great deal.

We would often go for a drive, or just do silly stuff, to get him out of his funk of staying home (which he hates).

It was working, but for some reason on Friday, he just had a freak out on me for the silliest thing.

He actually had told me that this whole coronavirus pandemic has really had an impact on him mentally, but I don't know what more I could possibly have done for him.

So to treat me the way that he did on Friday... I'm not even mad any more. I feel more disgusted than anything else.

What's strange, is that we had grown closer than ever in these past few months. Remember, it was a 25 year friendship and we met when we were in our teens. We've weathered silly and stupid arguments, but for some reason this just felt different.

I just don't feel like putting up with this kind of crap any more. From any one. And especially not as I get older. And with all the other bullshit going on in the world.

I think this year is having a very serious impact on people (myself included), and we don't even realize it.

[Quote]I was so angry that I blocked him on my phone and my email.

You both sound insufferable.

Why are you going into detail about everything EXCEPT his "freak out" and the "littlest thing" that upset him?

R15=frau cunt.

We DON’T CARE.

LEAVE.

Give your head a wobble, OP.

[quote] 90% of the time, the reason people aren’t investing in you is that they’re investing in their new life, and you should be too. This doesn’t mean an old friend has to become an enemy, and you shouldn’t resent an old friend because time and circumstance have taken them from you, that’s normal. You should allow old friends to become happy memories and leave it there if you know that you’re putting more effort than the other person. Validation for effort is so important for your mental health, and if you can actually feel the difference in effort, it can be degrading and heartbreaking. It’s okay to be selfish and end a friendship if it’s making you feel this way. Maybe, if an old friend has made you feel unimportant, put the phone down, walk down the hall, down the street, to a new friend, a new leaf,

Doesn't sound like he did much at all actually. This covid business is taking its toll on everyone. Seems you need to be more tolerant, or actually tell us what horrible thing he did that upset you so much because you sound like you're overreacting otherwise.

Thanks for the advice, R27.

I'm more of a nurturing type of person, so one of the reasons that our relationship has worked is because of our dynamic. I'm a giver, and he's a taker. And I've always been okay with that in the past.

However, he's changing and I'm changing, and I think that after Friday, I'm done being the giver. Actually, I'm just done.

I don't think that I can salvage this relationship. Which is weird, because after 25 years, you'd think it would be worth saving. But oddly, I feel like investing not one more minute into this friendship, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

My best friend ditched me when I was diagnosed with throat cancer and had to have treatment for it because I wasn't fun anymore. I've never totally gotten over it. We never had a fight, he just ditched me.

He looked at me the wrong way so I blocked and deleted him! How dare he!

'I'm a giver, and he's a taker'

[quote] He looked at me the wrong way so I blocked and deleted him! How dare he!

I guess I left out the part where I'm still going in to work because I'm "essential," whereas he gets to stay home all day.

I was tired as all fuck on Friday, and he was whining about needing to get out and do something. So even though I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and had a very long day, he texted me after I was done with work and said, "Well, are we going to dinner?" Me being the schmuck that I am, dragged my ass to go pick him up (because he hates driving), and went to a restaurant.

There, we proceeded to order everything that he wanted, because that's how it usually goes.

This was followed by the stupid argument (which I feel is totally unnecessary to make my point), and him storming out, leaving me with a table full of food and the bill.

But yeah, I guess I'm over reacting.

[quote] —so you've fucked?

No. Never.

r33 Oh, sweetie, he's the lucky one now you're not talking to him. You seem high maintenance and petty.

You're a bottom, aren't you OP?

Are you me R33? I had a relationship where I was also the nurturer. I also got fed-up with the constant taking, taking. Felt a weight lifted when I stopped calling him and he stopped calling me. Listen, your friend sounds like a real asshole. He may never call back, chalk it up to avoiding unnecessary stress.

[quote]I'm more of a nurturing type of person

Your teats must be aching.

Friend's a 10. OP's a 6.

A lot of my friends are frazzled these days. I am too. We tend to over react. Gotta watch we don't say or act out in ways we cannot retract.

Ironically, I had a friend of a friend and we became fast friends trying to help our mutual friend after a near-death medical crisis (if that makes sense). We were speaking of the mutual friend once--who was exhausting us both, financially and emotionally--and she said something like, "There's givers and takers in this world, and you and I are both givers." As soon as I agreed with her, she became the taker...repeatedly calling me when she was drunk and complaining about her revolving door of guy issues (she was very much what we'd call a whore on DL). The last call I made to her was for some advice on consolidating my credit cards...she had a good financial mind and I wanted to make sure I was going with the right law firm for the consolidation process. I left her a voicemail explaining the situation and asked her to call me back with some advice. That was in January of 2019...the bitch never called or texted back, and I got a text from an unknown number just last week asking how I was doing. When I asked who was inquiring, she texted back her name, and I replied back, "Oh, I finally hear back from you." Crickets after that, and I doubt I'll hear from her again. Advice for OP is to cut your friend off and don't look back. Life is too short.

[quote] A lot of my friends are frazzled these days. I am too. We tend to over react. Gotta watch we don't say or act out in ways we cannot retract.

Exactly, R39.

Now is the time to be MORE considerate of each other, and not less considerate.

It's why there's so much fucking craziness on the streets. People are going mad.

I was having lunch with my ex at a restaurant. The details are fuzzy, but I was trying to make a professional decision about something and he said "you have never made a decision in your life!" Cue 20 minutes of silence. Relationship never recovered.

Oh that's a good one, R42.

Sometimes we can be droning along with our long time friends or partner, and out of the blue, something like that can be said.

Then in a moment of clarity, you realize, "Wow, you're really an asshole. What in the fuck am I doing here with you?"

And the relationship is over in that instant.

[quote]Cue 20 minutes of silence.

Perhaps that was your exe's intent?

So I have this friend. He's a nelly bottom bitch with a huge ego, precious and entitled with a small dick. He has gay voice. He's sooo jealous i make more money than him and that I work from home. So, we arrange to go out after work, his sad life makes me feel so good about my own. We've been friends 25 years but i take pity on him, he's ulgy, makes me look good.

The bitch is in a mood, complaining and whining. He picks me up because my Mercedes soft top intimidates him and he resents me every time I take him anywhere in it. We sit down to order and princess tiny meat can't make a decision, is whining and bitching bout everything on the menu, the waiter is pissed. So i make the culinary decisions for us. I was so embarrassed.

Bitch goes on and on how rude i am, how he gets up at 5.30 while all i have to do is roll out of bed and yet i still make 10 times the money he does. And, you know what, after 25 years, I'm sick of it, so I up and leave and haven't spoken to him since.

[quote]My ex-friend of 25 years is diagnosed bipolar and a serial addict.

I was a serial addict. I had to get a second VCR in 1990 so I could tape both Another World and As the World Turns, both of which were on at 2:00.

Um, I believe you would have been a SOAP addict, R46.

"This was followed by the stupid argument (which I feel is totally unnecessary to make my point)"- OP

I am sure I am not the only one who thinks this is all your fault. Why? You don't want to tell us what the argument was actually about. Nobody just gets up and leaves a table full of food that they ordered for no reason.

So what did you say, OP? Or, if you are going to continue to feign innocence, what did he say?

Get on with it..

We've had threads like these for years where someone asks for advice and then refuses to give details. I just assume it's on purpose nowadays, an attention-getting ploy.

If you have no boundaries and just give, give, give, all the time, you are going to attract people who ignore boundaries and take, take, take.

By all means, punch and delete the friend, but if you don't address your issues, the same thing will keep happening.

I had a friend of 25 years who was very happy in his professional federal government job who had years, if not decades, earlier decided to retire when he reached 30 years of service, at the age of 62. I, on the other hand, also professionally employed in elsewhere, felt no choice but to retire early, before him, due to stress & my state government employer’s refusal to demote me to a less stressful position. In the first year of my retirement I was not shy in voicing what a difficult adjustment retirement had been. In a personal email to my friend, I encouraged him, a healthy single man with no real outside interests, to not feel compelled to retire (then in less than 6 months) on his long-scheduled plan as long as he still enjoyed his work & his colleagues. In response, in an email he sent to a couple other mutual friends, he launched an attack on me that pointed out how I was always raining on other people’s parade. We may have survived the personal attack - a sentiment he had never shared with me before - but that he felt the need to disseminate to others was beyond the pail. My one-sentence response was that I would have appreciated it if his email had not been sent to me. The relationship immediately became chilly, & I resisted his offer to talk about things. Since we continued to have mutual friends, I attempted to at least maintain a civil, if very distant relationship with him over the next 4-5 years. This, though, ended shortly after Trump’s election when, out of the blue (as we hadn’t texted in years), he texted me something to the effect that he liked Sean Hannity & that Hillary Clinton belonged in prison. I didn’t respond. Several months later, I was walking at night with a new friend on a desolate street when I noticed my old friend walking behind us. I repeatedly called out his name, to no avail. My new friend thought it was a case of mistaken identity, saying that this man didn’t appear to know me. In the almost 4 years since, there’s been no contact.

This is bizarre. I even clicked the link again just before sending it and it worked, not after being published it's another broken link. I guess Google if you're interested.

Ugh, wrong thread, sorry.

Step away from the friendship for a very long time, if not forever. This person sounds insufferable. You are not a doormat. We are all starting to see peoples' true characters as we deal with the Covid thing. You do NOT need to act as an unappreciated SERVANT to this asshole.

Probably so r49, how exhausting. I was thinking that as well.

This one is coming off as someone who said something they shouldn't have and doesn't want to own it. If this is not BS, I am sure if the truth comes out it will be surrounded with reasons why it is actually the friend's fault after all.

r51 'I didn’t respond. Several months later, I was walking at night with a new friend on a desolate street when I noticed my old friend walking behind us. I repeatedly called out his name, to no avail. My new friend thought it was a case of mistaken identity, saying that this man didn’t appear to know me. In the almost 4 years since, there’s been no contact.'

You didn't respond to his text but you expect him to turn around and talk to you as if nothing had transpired? Right. Double standards?

What OP is omitting is that he presented hole in the restaurant. (Someone had to say it.) His best friend of 25 years was so appalled that he immediately got up and left. OP realized the error of his ways and blocked his friend's number and e-mail out of humiliation.

I guess the bitch shouldn't have salted his food BEFORE tasting it.

Can you imagine?

"Beyond the pail"

R56, for purposes of, yes, condensing my very long post, I left out some details that might address your concerns. My old friend heard me call-in on a weekend sports radio show where the host buys time on less than prime time. This show was on a conservative channel that features Hannity. Upon getting his text, I expressed surprise he would be listening to this show. It was then when he said he listens to the station because he liked Hannity. I responded by texting “Hannity??” Since back in the day I - like him - was no fan of Hillary, I also added that I voted for Hillary, resulting in his response that Hillary belonged in prison. It was to this last response that I thought it best to hold my tongue & remain silent.

"beyond the pail"

The average IQ of DLers seems to have dropped about 30 points in the last few years. Maybe it's Trump's influence. The whole country is following his lead and becoming stupid.

R61, I deserved your reproach. I hesitated when I typed that word. I usually do better, but I screwed-up there.

Is R61 the IQ Troll? The one who thinks the IQ put down is the be all, end all of shade?

Or is it just an old man thing?

The last time I overreacted to a friendship breaking down the way OP has, I was 21 and still in the closet and harbouring a subconscious crush on my friend. She was my best friend on HS and on campus, but had coldly ditched me overnight (going all but no contact, as we lived in the same tenement) to be with her new boyfriend and his hipster mates. I was devastated, locking myself in my room and cancelling social plans and dropping class, the works. She basically ruined my last year of College, the shock and grief and humiliation depressing me to the point I didn’t enjoy it or get the most out of it for my career like I should have. I learned that year that I was way too ride-or-die loyal to my friends at the expense of my own success and that my social circle was too small and tightly closed to be healthy....aaaaannnd that I was maybe kind of sort of a lesbian.

Fast forward a bit. When she tried out of the blue to reinstate contact via text a few years after graduation (turns out the bf dumped her and she didn’t have any other mates besides his), I told her that as I was imminently emigrating to Australia (lie) for a great new job as a broker in a thriving firm (LIIIEEE) I was in the process of saying my goodbyes to everyone at home (L.I.E!!!) so there wasn’t much point in meeting up or getting to talking with her again. Whether she believed me or not she took the hint, texted back a clipped “ok yh good luck and take care then I guess”. I never saw or heard from her again, not even from mutual friends we had back in school - apparently she just dropped off radar and hasn’t been found since. I wish her no ill will and hope she’s alive and having an ok time in life, but I don’t think back with any fondness on our relationship nor do I ever wish she was back in my life. Just an embarrassing mistake of misplaced affection, really.

So from my experience I say get rid, give your ex-pal the keys to the street and don’t waste any more of your time and energy. And give yourself space and outlet to grieve, as well; putting up with that relationship has probably taken away more from your life and progress than you realise.

Is r63 the semi-literate woke troll? Or just a moron?

Over time my expectations of friends and humans in general has become more realistic. People are flawed human beings who at times make mistakes, say and do hurtful things, and deal with their own demons and lives in varying ways. I tend to look at intent. If someone is intending to cause me harm, that isn't a great friend. But even when malintent is there I look at what is behind the malintent. Once of my close friends has also been a 25 year friend. We have had ebbs and flows over the years. She has lashed out at me a couple times - usually due to something happening in her own life (infertility) or due to comparing her life to mine (envy over a promotion that fell into my lap). we usually take a bit of time apart and then eventually get to talking again. At the end of the day, even though I wouldn't say we are super close at this point, I know that if I was ever in a bad way and needed someone, she would drop everything and come. The bickering between us is just that - deep down we are still important to each other. I have probably a dozen friends that I have had for 20+ years. Some I talk to more often than others. I have let them down at times as well and haven't been anything close to a perfect friend but I could call on any of them if I was ever really in need. At the end of the day we are all humans with complicated and busy lives, with decades of experiences that have shaped us and our friendships, and with the discontent and irritability that comes with middle age! We give and take and will call each other out if someone is way off course but at the end of the day we still value and care about each other.

I had to let go a friend who's become a trumpster.

OP is leaving out important details and I suspect s/he is partly to blame for what happened.

The Covid situation has shaken up a few of my relationships as well.

I haven't had any blowout fights, but things that added up to too much.

One of my old friends seems angry with me and I don't feel like asking why. The only reason I can think of is that, at the beginning of lockdowns, he began texting me stuff like: "Another boring day." That was after days of me trying to perk him up. Stopped even addressing me by my name (I know, sounds silly). I usually respond to texts, but I stopped for a while.

OP - seriously, you're going to have to give explicit details, otherwise we're forced to side with your friend.

You were going to have to eat dinner anyway - so I don't think a dinner invite is that strange.

You're hiding the argument from us - which means you know you're in the wrong. Now you're making up all of this stuff about how you're a giver and doormat and implying that he owes you somehow.

Sorry OP - no sympathy for you. Unless you provide explicit details - but of course you won't or you will change your story because you know we won't back you up.

And so you got stuck with food and a bill - pack it up and take it home!

r68 I have a friend who texts me pics of things I simply don't recognize, or have any way of knowing why he's sending them to me. He doesn't caption anything. I respond when possible and ignore the rest.

I'm Team OP here. His friend is the one who sounds insufferable. The friend has a (well paying, I assume) government job and is still employed, in the midst of this record unemployment. Good God, he has the work from home! The unbelievable horror! He has no concept of how fortunate he is, and sounds like a jerk. There comes a point, OP, when friendships/relationships simply end, and no amount of wishing will ever repair them. But if you want to try and mend this, I would recommend unblocking him from your email and phone and see if he reaches out to you. If he doesn't, there's your answer. But be prepared, sometimes it is just impossible for some people to apologize, so keep that in mind if you don't hear from him.

I feel changed by this pandemic. Things that were important are not as important anymore. Had a fight with a very good friend the other day but we both made the effort to patch things up because I think we both feel that we're getting older and life is tenuous.

Would love to hear the details of r17's purge. Had to have been a helluva situation to purge that many people from your life in one go.

This wasn't my best friend, but I met a guy in college who I fooled around with time to time. We kept in touch over the years, but he had some major baggage coming from a strict Catholic upbringing which really did a number on a his head. Cut to years later and somehow he had tracked me down. He would call me and talk for hours about conspiracy theories and God and just go on for an hour. The last time he called, I flat told him to cut the crap and I wasn't having it anymore. Then he sent me a letter saying I was the devil, blah, blah. I found later he was committed. Initially, he was a very sweet man who just couldn't away from his childhood.

See your point R71. And I was the first to really call out OP.

There is definitely an uneven dynamic here. Going to work is always better when your a player. And whatever happened, the friend had to know that stiffing op with the check sent two messages.

But I’m on team BS now. None of this happened.

No, R51, r59 is goddamn punctilious cunt. If your going to Oh Dear someone over an expression from Catherine the Great, you could at least TRY to include a horse fucking reference or make note of it's anti-semitic roots. Jews were kept, outside the fence. If you're going to be a critical cunt at least try to be informative or clever.

The paling fence is significant as the term 'pale' came to mean the area enclosed by such a fence and later just figuratively 'the area that is enclosed and safe'. So to be 'beyond the pale' was to be outside the area accepted as 'home'. Catherine the Great created the Pale of Settlement in Russia in 1791.

[quote] Would love to hear the details of [R17]'s purge. Had to have been a helluva situation to purge that many people from your life in one go.

It all got started with 2 who were lovers (that's what we called them back then). They decided they wanted to start a catering business. They needed money. They came to me with the attitude that because I had it and was their friend I was obligated to hand them $7500.00. When I told them I did not loan money you would have thought I had spit in their faces. Suddenly I was pure shit. They started slandering me to mutual friends. It got so bad I had to have my attorney threaten them both with a lawsuit. That took care of it. After that several other "friends" started acting cold and uninterested when I'd call or I'd leave messages and not hear back. But after a time they had all gotten hit up for money from the original two as well and they decided my attitude was apparently right all along. But by then the damage was done and I decided I was done with them. Eventually they started calling a couple of my true blue friends asking if they had heard from me and whining that they couldn't get me to return their calls. They were informed that their behavior was cruel and not to expect to hear from me again. And that was that.

And the original 2 eventually got a loan from a bank (I heard that the father of one of them co-signed the loan) and started the catering business. Within 6 months they were out of business owing tons of money to the bank (which the father had to pay back) and all their suppliers which is exactly what I knew would happen because neither one of them could ever hold a job for longer than a year which is the main reason I would not give them a dime. They broke up and one had to move back home with mommy and daddy. The other one spent the rest of his life screwing people over until he died from cancer.

Nonetheless, r76, you sound like a cunt of extraordinary proportions.

Why thank you. Aren't you kind.

And no, I won't loan you any money.

Thanks everyone this thread reinforced my belief that having no friends is the best policy, no hurt feelings, no obligations, no drama.

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends!

specificity is the heart of narrative. Not sure why you'd share this without providing details on the argument.

[quote]Would love to hear the details of [[R17]]'s purge.

Well, I started with a Fleet enema...

I went to a pub to have a beer with a friend of over 30 years. She took a call from another friend and went outside and chatted for close to an hour.

Did you cancel her, R83?

I didn’t, but I’m getting close. She only contacts me when she needs something. The other day it was a text asking me what a meme was. I told her if only there was a way she could find out...Or how to get swallows from nesting in her sister-in-law’s house. How the fuck should I know? She’s 58 and still lives with her parents. She’s an assistant director in HR at a prominent university. So she appears competent (she is at work) and put together, but she is stunted. She bought her very first piece of furniture (a chair) with my help, painted a wall, and ordered from Amazon—which she found unnerving —for the first time last year.

r8 'I recently had to dump a friend of over 40 years. But he's 65 years old and tweaking. A lot. His behavior has become extremely erratic and hostile.'

It sucks, OP. But you have to take care of yourself.'

Did it ever occur to you that your friend may have onset dementia or the like and you've actually ghosted a friend of 40 years who is actually quite ill?

^^ This is what happened to Judy near the end when she was lost to the dolls. Some lovely people, long-standing friends, just could not take the insanity any longer Snap, they were gone.