Let's be a home shopping channel

I'm the 5000 different styles of leggings available for the overweight fraus who buy from us

I’m the Joan Rivers jewelry collection. We still sell it even though the bitch is dead.

I'm the one person who buys an XXS top who is amazed when the XXL size is the first to sell out.

I'm the slowly encroaching obsolescence.

I'm the blouse that hides all your flaws.

I'm Brett Chukerman's buttplug.

I'm the depression driving a lot of purchases.

I'm Lisa Rinna telling the viewers they are all racist honkey running dogs of capitalism, and to hurry to buy my latest faux leather miniskirts.

I'm HSN's Shannon Smith's Vodka/Ativan fueled mindless cackling at pretty much everything.....

I'm the Boyfriend Blazhhher!

I'm Terri Conn-Peck. I make no secret of the fact that I hate my job, and feel it's beneath me. I say things in interviews like, "You do what you've got to do."

Fucking Austin is awesome, though, LOL! So, whatevs.

I'm Lori Goldstein.

You're all suckers.

I'm the Quacker Factory

I'm the quacks a frau makes whenever she spies another frau sporting a sweater made from the Quacker Factory.

I’m sweaters, sweatshirts, blouses etc. only embellished (or embroidered) on the front, to cut costs.

The back of the garment’s always jarringly sad.

I am the customer service representative, I am trying my best to inform you the new credit card number you just gave to me was rejected AGAIN!

I'm a retro moment of gypsy whatever

Do you mean 'Boho chic', #17?

probably!

I'm David Venable's happy dance.

I am the "Brazil"-esque stretched face of the 60-something cosmetics company founder and president.

I'm Candy Spelling. I'll take a dozen of each item, thank you very much.

I'm China, and we thank you for all the business.

I am Suzanne Somers, I've been featured on every major shopping channel and even some of the lesser known channels over the years. I am a world renown authority on a multitude of subjects: alcoholism, menopause, cancer, sex, skin care, makeup, fashion with a special emphasis on ponchos, diet, cooking, artificial sweeteners, exercise equipment. You name it, I sell it.

I'm the latest organic miracle element (argon oil, minerals, fill in the blanks) in the foundation the former model/actress "developed" after travelling the world and marvelling at the incredible complexions of 120 year old women. Having discovered and brought back their secret and incorporated it into the miracle formula (which contains all the chemicals and stablisers that every other foundation does), the new breed of 30 year old CEOs is going to make tens of millions of dollars, more than she'd ever make in show biz, after which she will sell the company to a bigger name and retire at 40 to a house in Tuscany and let herself go physically.

I'm the ancient food editors of Ladies Home Journal, watching incredulously as those old recipes that I instantly recognise from the 1950s are presented as something new and fresh by the food shows on QVC and HSN.

"Hi Georgia."

R27, thank you so much, honey. You're my mentor, too. (4:25 mark)

I'm the jewellery being touted as a great buy when in fact it's really pretty much retail value and for what you're paying you could get yourself something bigger, better, yet less expensive on Ebay only without paying tax AND often with free shipping.

(Hey, go fuck yourself, poster!)

I'm the XXXL polyester ass-covering "chemise" that's only available in coral now.

I can't believe it took 26 posts before someone *finally* posted the Liza clip. You bitches are slipping.

I’m the frau who thinks David Venable is still looking for the right girl.

I'm Dan Wheeler's right hand.

Sorry, here's the clip

I'm the former local television weather personality turned shopping channel diva. I'm a man of a certain age. Once attractive, I've made a career of my flaming homosexuality flying just below the radar of the stay-at-home moms and meemaw's who've watched me for years, dropping hints of not yet finding "the right girl" while also signaling campy quips to my fellow-network-employed hags and any random gay who may be watching me, by saying things like "Maarrrry!" and such. I'm an absolute card! I am adored! (or so I believe). NOBODY knows my hair is colored with black shoe polish because it looks totally natural.

And why not? I shill by fucking titts off for this joint. Have you seen the way I werk to sell plastic plates and Chinese made, pulpwood furniture items to the lemmings who adore me? I could literally sell a combination ice-maker/air conditioner to every housewife in Siberia... IN FEBRUARY! And I could sell it in a variety of colors, (Hurry! Cinnamon and Springtime Lavender hues are running low and we only have 100 left!).

My dressing room makes Mariah Carey's look like a HUD-subsidized mobile home.

I’m Christmas in July.

Hi everyone! It's me, Tori!

[quote]TORI: They all mix so well together...and I did that on purpose."

No - REALLY??

[italic]Game changer!

I'm goldique.

I'm Lulu.

I'm the Aussie who draws lines with a marker on the model's foot to show where her shoes should really be supporting her feet but aren't, but where my (vastly overpriced) brand of earth shoe will. I do this several times a year on this channel, and the script hasn't changed one bit as I pull out my marker.

I'm the twice yearly 24 hours of: silver jewellery; gold jewellery; gemstone jewellery.

You have no idea how exhausting it is. Jerry Lewis's annual Labor Day MS Marathon is nothing to it.

I'm Lisa Rinna hanging out in the hallway with my dusters hoping to get on.

I'm 'Boho', a vague term that lets fraus flirt with being a fun, downtown hippie anarchist flowerchild thing- without the hairy armpits!

I just sewed your $69.00 dress together, which is more than I make in a month.

[quote]You have no idea how exhausting it is. Jerry Lewis's annual Labor Day MS Marathon is nothing to it.

Jerry's telethon was for Muscular Dystrophy, not MS.

I’m the denim jacket that’s too short and too tight on everyone. I come in a bunch of different colors and make your hips look huuuuuge! But I do cover up your arms.

I'm a gorgeous Tiffany Lamp!

R46 - Right - Muscular Dystrophy not MS. Thanks!

I'm 24 hours devoted to cheesy fishermen's sweaters, shamrock jewellery, Celtic crosses, and Belleek-ware on St. Patrick's Day.

I'm Issac Mizzrahi -I used to make 10,000 designer gowns for supermodels, now I make polyester jumpers for fat women named Karen.

rose, lapis, mustard - -

I’m Latrice Royale, in the Kitchen with David Venable today at 2:20.

[quote]I'm Brett Chukerman's buttplug.

And I'm not for sale.

I'm Isaac Mizrahi, selling as much Chinese-sewn SHIT as I can to make the rent on this goddamned apartment! It's all I have left to keep an appearance of relevancy, even though the fashion industry canceled me well over a decade ago.

My teeth are really bad, I can't afford to get my hair properly cleaned-up for an appearance (apparently). Most of the time I'm Zooming-in to the show from the home of one of my few remaining wealthy friends, just so all the fraus and meemaw's don't see the state I live in. During today's show, I'll be uncomfortably queeny to the studio hostess, saying things I think are delightfully camptastic, but that fall awkwardly flat with said host and her audience. I'm no David Venable. As a matter of fact, that Venable queen refuses to return my calls! I don't even have enough clout to score a complimentary bump from the neighborhood bartender. Hey, has anybody seen handkerchief headband? I seem to have lost it coming out of 1998...

I'm the 17 colors, with names like "Periwinkle Meadow", "Creamy Rose", "Blush and Bashful" etc. that every Chinese-made bowl, coffee mug, and tacky tchotchke comes in. I'm the wide-net strategy of the network to appeal to feebled-minded old ladies and lonely housewives who, our in-house psychological marketing team has determined, are much more likely to purchase crappy, plastic-made junk when it comes in a "unique color" which resonates with said old lady or lonely housewife.

[quote] I'm Brett Chukerman's buttplug.

Yup, fuck the Chuck was a common phrase