Did anyone ever cut you out of their will?

Yes. EVERYTHING went to my sister. She backed up the Brinks truck. $$$$$

It was that pesky gay thing.

Well, since the only will I was mentioned in was my father's (he left money equally to me and my siblings), I've been cut out of everyones will who is dead other than his.

Once you are of adult age, you are not entitled to anyone's money.

No. When mom and dad died, I got the family fortune.

Three flies and a scab don’t go very far.

No, I'm an only child, so...

I thought I was going to be cut out of my mother's. I hadn't spoken a word to her in 25 years, but I was just contacted a few days ago for my phone# and address from the lawyer for the estate. I'll probably have to survive the night in a haunted house to inherit $5.00.

My brother's amount is being written down as I type. He calls my mom maybe once a year - did not send birthday or mother's day cards for years and did not call this year or last.

My mom wanted to give him nothing and I said no fucking way. That's gonna cause a huge amount of problems.

But he's still getting an amount that most people would love to have. I get the rest - although I feel somewhat guilty about it. Don't know why - as I've been taking care of her and my brother doesn't even fucking pick up the phone.

"... but I was just contacted a few days ago for my phone# and address from the lawyer"

Then how did he reach you- smoke signals?

^HA

R7 Email?

There has always been a lot of tension between the my dad and my oldest brother. My dad has always viewed him as ungrateful and my brother goes on and on about how awfully he was treated as a child. Blah blah blah. Family drama. Anyway, they got into a huge argument a couple of years ago. They weren't on speaking terms for a year or so. During that time, my dad had his and my mom's wills rewritten (which hadn't been updated since my sister and I were minor children). He had my brother written out and left everything to my other brother, my sister and me. Everyone but my brother was aware of this. Fortunately, my dad came to his senses and had the wills revised again to include all four of us. That's when my brother found out he had been cut out to begin with. He was hurt and it just reinforced in his mind how my dad mistreated him all his life. The three of were intending to share the estate with him anyway, but it put us in an uncomfortable position. This incident, along with some other things that have happened over the last couple of years, has made me realize just how mean and petty my dad is.

R10 - was he actually mistreated? Because my brother thinks that he was mistreated - but in reality, he was a royal pain in the ass who, even to this day, will yell and get mad if he is ever questioned about being responsible. (He is not).

I'm r6 - so this is ending up badly for my brother. But it is his own doing.

R11, he was probably treated worse than any of us would admit, but probably not as much as he thinks he was. He can be kind of a dick and at times he comes across as thinking he's better than everyone else. But I've realized, especially in that last few years, that our family dynamic was kind of fucked up overall. I spent the first 50 years of my life thinking I had a pretty good family life. But as my parents are getting closer to the end of their lives, I'm finding that there is a lot of anger and resentment bubbling just below the "All-American Family" facade we've been putting forth all these years. In all honesty, none of us are really that close to each other. I mean, I love them all. But I don't really want to hang out with them.

R12 - well, first born kids generally do have it a bit harder (parents are stricter) and younger siblings may get more as the finances get better with older parents.

I think most families dealt with the facade - I also believe most siblings drift apart after a certain age unless they live in the same city. I see it all the time - usually after 35, people tend to go their own way and have their own families and lives.

It's more rare to see the TV families of tight relations and everyone smiling and taking vacations together. Trust me, behind those family vacation pics are a lot of sibilings sick and tired of having to spend their vacations together. Particularly because everyone reverts to their 'family role'.

Your take on older kids vs younger kids is spot on in our situation. There's 16 years difference between my brother (the oldest) and my sister (the youngest). My sister and I benefited from the successes our parents had later in life in a way the my brothers did not. I think my brothers, especially the oldest one, have resented that and still hold it against us. Like it's our fault that we came along later.

My grandma is occasionally awful and we weren't speaking at the time. My mother told me to call grandma and give her my SSN because she was setting up her will and life insurance. I was like, screw that I'm not calling and I don't want her money.

She's still alive, and we're on very good terms. But I'm not about to ask her about it.

R14 - yeah, and also your parents mellowed out and could enjoy the kids more and allowed them more freedom. Older kids also get jealous of the attention younger kids get.

But oldest kids also have many benefits that they don't acknowledge - and they were sometimes complete shits to the younger kids.

For me, I got to see what worked and what didn't work with my parents by what my older brothers tried. I sidestepped that shit and I was, in comparison, a breeze for my parents and we got along very well.

That sticks with parents - my one brother feels he can say anything he wants to my parents because he is being honest and everyone needs to know how he feels. Well, what he says fucking hurts people's feelings and he doesn't care. Parents respond to that - they're human and they're going to navigate toward those that aren't pain in the asses.

Some people never learn to treat their parents with respect.

R16, are you me?

I won't know for a few more years. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Luckily for me, I had a plan B

Tori, gurl, you ain't gettin a dime. Not one thin dime

For the most part.

R17 - LOL - no, it's just more common than you think. I hate feeling you have to walk around eggshells around certain family members, particularly siblings. You wish you could show them a mirror of themselves, but they don't see it that way and they aren't going to change.

Not cut out. The opposite. Included as a beneficiary in my late Father's will. And despite myriad wives and step-children, I was named SOLE beneficiary. That abusive, belligerent motherfucker who I hadn't spoken to in decades left me the lot; the condo, the life insurance policy, the bank accounts, the IRA accounts. Three and a half years later, and I'm still in shock, gobsmacked.

I recently found out that a family member redistributed the percentages in his will. Super-grifter will now receive the most, more than 50%, out of 4 people. (My "share" was reduced.)

R23, perhaps he left you that stuff to try to make up for the way he treated you.

R25 In the Land of Make-Believe and Happy Endings, one would like to think that the abuser felt remorse for what he did and wanted to make amends. And then there's reality. Abusers never, ever admit what they are or do. More likely that, due to our non-contact, I happened to be the one he was least aggro with when he updated his Will right before he died.

NO, because it was all in trust. However, I've cut as much as possible so my much younger brother and his daughter get little to nothing of my estate. She's a spoiled brat, he's an entitled asshole. They took as much as possible from my dead mother's belongings without consulting me. He's the executor of my will too - and he'll be in for a very rude awakening when he reads it, ha ha!

I'm giving a lot to charity - for children, animals, teaching hospitals. Any other ideas?

R24 - can you describe the grifter? A friend of mine's sister is constantly trying to get a larger share of the will and is trying to get control of the house completely now. It's her husband who was a big spender and constantly behind in bills - they used her (my friend's) parents as a cash machine and excused it because they lived only a mile away and had the grandkids. They feel like they are owed although they really didn't look after his parents that much.

She turns on the water works (which I believe is real from all the stress of being soooo much in debt - like over $100,000 in credit card debt) and gets her way. They often can't afford groceries even though they bring in over $225,000 a year. It's disgusting - and now they want everything in the will so they can pay off their bills due to their free-spending ways of keeping up with the Joneses. (All 3 of their teen age kids have new cars - none of which they can afford).

My will specifically states that it is my express wish that no one related to me by blood may share in my estate. None of them.

Fuck 'em all.

R29, I understand how you feel, but be careful while you alive. You may need family help in you elder years, you may even have to live with one of them when you can't live by yourself. I have a few relatives I don't care for but remain "friendly" with. They'd gladly take me in when I need help, we've even discussed it. They're not going to get a penny from me when I'm dead, but there's no harm in them not knowing that ;)

R30, why would you want to live with people you don't like? And if you did live them, why would you not leave them any money?

R30 - that's pretty shitty. You move into someone's home in your elderly years, they take care of you, and you leave nothing to them and give it to other people?

That's cold and nasty. You wouldn't want that to happen to you.

R30, you do not understand how I feel. Need my family in my elder years? Need them for what?

You have not met my family. I have had no contact with any of them for over 20 years and it's been one of the best decisions of my life. If it came to it, the Hudson would be a preferable solution to dealing with my 'golden' years.

R29 - yep, it probably needs to be stated so there's no way they can contest it. Just like when you leave someone out of the will - you shouldn't just omit people. You should mention their names and what they get (or don't get).

Some people then have nasty commentary built in to the will or trust - our family attorney made one draft that included that. She had interpreted our explanations as somehow needing to be described in the will - but they don't.

I don't think the will, when you're dead, should be the time to get things off your chest. Do it before you die.

R32, I'm not planning to be "taken care of," I'm planning to rent a room from them in a boring suburban place in a red state. I'll pay my way, they won't be paying or changing my diaper. Read the post again - "I have a few relatives I don't care for but remain friendly with" - in a superficial way. You apparently are unaware that people make deals without being judged "cold and nasty."

R33, remove the chip on you shoulder and get the stick out of your ass. This is a gossip forum, not your lawyer's office.

I was originally in my grandmother's will for quite a bit of land. Toward the end, we started having religious confrontations - she was over the top. The more we discussed, the worse she became. When she died, I wasn't even sure if i was still getting the land she promised, but I got an awesome letter in the mail from her attorney stating I was getting her favorite bible, and that was it. It was hilarious. I hated not having the land, but I have the letter framed and hanging in my living room.

R36 - who got the land? Why did you think it was a good idea to pick a religious fight with an elderly woman? ENDGAME man!

R37 I was young and stupid. She truly was horrid, though - "She was so sorry I was going to burn in hell for being a disgusting homosexual, even though other than that, I was a good boy." My only cousin got all the land - and she probably has it full of Trump signs now.

do you really have to specifically cut people out? My will leaves everything to my ex and a good friend, but does not specifically cut people out by name. Does that really have to be done?

Just the opposite. A great aunt named me as executor and booted my sister out of the will completely. Made for some bad blood even after I offer my sis some of the inheritance after my aunt passed. I now live in a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood thanks to my aunt.

[quote]He's the executor of my will too - and he'll be in for a very rude awakening when he reads it, ha ha!

OMG, to be a fly on the wall for that moment...

R39 - it doesn't have to be done - and would only really be necessary for immediate family. The purpose is so that no family can contest it - including parents and greedy relatives.

A lot of family will just take your 'good' stuff from your house after you die unless you designate it for someone else. That's the most common 'theft'. Actually, many won't wait that long - they'll do it while you are in the hospital.

In reality, there are probably few wills that are contested and usually that's when there's a lot of money involved. You can typically only contest a will under 4 circumstances: 1) will wasn't legally proper 2) deceased lacked mental capacity to make the will 3) deceased was unduly influenced while making will or 4) will was fraudulently made.

It's usually #2 and #3. The point is - if everyone is named in the will, there's no doubt that they were considered. If you don't mention them, then there could be some questions.

For example, my mom is redoing her will and she has early stages of dementia, which impacts her minimally - she's just forgetful. It's her choice and decision, but if my brother wants to be a dick about it, he could request her medical records and contest it based on diminished capacity. He's not that smart though.

You have to be very specific about your finances AND your property (jewelry, furniture, collectibles, art). I personally watched many family members and friends wander through my deceased family member's house and just take what they wanted without really asking.

[quote] [R24] - can you describe the grifter?

R28, grifter is a woman. She can be very attractive when she is made up (cosmetics) and has her weight in check. Can be charming, i.e., says flattering things to you, smiles, etc. I suspect she's never paid a full share of rent, just lives with other people, mainly boyfriends. As far as education, has a GED. Never had a job until recently. Drives luxury-type cars (gets other people to co-sign on leases).

I actually don't mind her so much. I'm more disgusted at my other family member who can't see through her game. Sigh, I need to let go of my frustration about this.

My parents were sincerely honest, dependable working class people. As they aged, they began to experience more and more health demands. When I told them it was important for them to take basic steps to protect their assets, they made me their primary care-giver. I was already doing the work, so it didn't change anything for me. I sat with them as they debated with the lawyer how their assets would be divided. My brother had borrowed a huge sum fro them during his divorce, and made no attempt to pay any of it back. They were trying to map out how they were going to leave the majority of their assets to me. I very clearly told them I didn't want them to favor me, and that I would prefer the distributed their assets equally.

The one area where they held on to their opinion was to limit how much my brother received, since they insisted that wasn't fair to me. So my brother, sister and me all received the same amounts, except my brother's 'pay-out' was reduced by the amount he still owed them. We went out to dinner after the will was read, and he tore into me, telling me he had trusted me, even though it was his responsibility as oldest brother to handle the Estate. I got up to leave, and he grabbed my wrist and shoved me back into my chair. I said some hateful things that I regretted, and he became very quiet. We never talked about it after that night.

To be fair, several years later, I fell down at home and broke my shoulder very badly. My brother is the person who forced his way into the house, and saved my life after I had been stuck on the floor for 5 days. Despite all the drama between us, I still love my brother, and know he loves me. Families can be huge messes.

My maternal grandmother was an evil woman, and my maternal grandfather her enabler. They HATED my father, and she did everything she could behind the scenes to sow discord in our family. When I was 16, my mother died after a long illness. A few weeks later, it was my grandfather's birthday. I baked him a birthday cake and went to visit them. After some chit-chat, my grandmother suddenly just started going off on me, about my father. Just saying one horrible thing after the other, all of it untrue, until I was completely in tears. My grandfather finally told her to lay off, and I left soon thereafter, still crying. I don't know why she decided to take her hatred of him out on me, I'd always done my best to remain neutral in their ongoing war. I can't even fathom being so evil that you start screaming at your grandson who came to visit you out of the goodness of his heart, just a few weeks after he'd lost his mother, but there you have it. Anyway, that was the last time I saw either of them. There was no "I'm never speaking to you again" dramatic scene, I just stopped calling them, and they stopped calling me. I was really hurt at the way they'd treated me after a lifetime of trying to be a good, loving grandson, and I just had no desire to ever see them again. A couple of months later, out of curiosity, I drove by their house, and they'd packed up and moved away.

Fast forward a couple of decades, and I get a call at work from a lawyer who is handling the estate of my grandmother. It turned out she'd died several years before and her estate had gone into probate. He wanted my address so he could send me some paperwork. When it arrived, I learned that I'd expressly been written out of her will, and they were obligated to inform me in case I wanted to contest it. Not that I expected or wanted anything of hers, or that she even had much of anything anyway. I didn't even know or care the old cunt was dead. Still it blew my mind what a nasty piece of shit she was, right up to the end.

Fuck you, Grandma! And you too, Grandpa!! Roast in Peace, assholes.

R45, I, too, had a shitty grandmother. There were quite a few of us grandkids. Grandma had her favorites and there were those who displeased her. I was in the 2nd category. When I was little, I told her: "You're really mean. Other people have nice grandmas, not me."

Anyway, she died within the past couple of years and I was the only grandchild to not attend the funeral. There is freedom in saying fuck you.

Full disclosure: my grandma had an irrevocable trust and I did inherit something b/c my dad predeceased her and the trust was already set. (If my dad had survived, he would have inherited, not me.) Given a choice, she probably would have cut me out.

I never thought about that, R45-the lawyer needing to contact you to let you know that you have been cut out by name. Now it makes sense.

Totally the opposite for me, I had a bunch of childless Aunts/Uncles that I hadn't seen much of in years who named my Brother and I as sole beneficiaries. We were pretty astounded by the size of each of their estates (they all died within about 3 years).

Neither of us have ever worked since.

R23, he probably left it all to you just because he was a motherfucker who wanted to create misery.

My father explicitly cut me out of his will. This wasn’t a surprise, as I had literally written him off in a letter I sent him 10 years before he died and we never spoke thereafter. We never had a great relationship, mostly due to him being a control freak with anger management issues . He was also obsessed since my earliest memories of him with his perception that I was too fem acting for a boy. This led him to stop speaking to me several times, the first time for nearly a month when I was 8 years old.

Although I expected it, seeing the excluding words in the will still stung a bit. But that minor sting was worth avoiding 10 more years of tiptoeing around an active volcano, waiting for it to erupt. I took control and I have no regrets.

No I was not cut out of their will I was left with resolving all their bills. Sometimes nothing is better than something.

R44, my grandmother was an evil bitch who created rifts among all of her children. She didn’t leave anything to my mother. Her favorite child got everything.

My parents were working class people. My husband’s were wealthy. But as it turned out in the end, he and his siblings were shocked at what they inherited. There was huge credit card debt that wiped out the estate, and the only real asset was a gorgeous house that carried two mortgages. They decided to keep it and share it and are paying it off. Everyone assumes they inherited loads, but it was all a house of cards.

My humble parents, who they looked down on, left us with seven figures (long story). The irony is delicious.

My maternal grandmother was as selfish a bitch as I've ever seen or heard about - a wealthy, stuck-up, self-absorbed snob. We didn't have much growing up (deadbeat dad), and she refused to lend my mother grocery money! Guess she, who grew up in wealth, thought she was teaching her daughter a lesson or some such horseshit. But HER mother, my great grandmother, who was a doll, made sure her inherited family money was in trust and provided for everyone upon her death. My mother never bothered the old lady with our money troubles when she was alive, wish she had.

Love the fact that some of you knew your Grandparents as adults.

Mine were all born in the 1880's/90's and dead by 1975 when I was 6 ( I'm the youngest child of the youngest children on both sides). Two of them were dead before I was born.

Glad I missed all of the drama.

No one in my family had anything to leave. We are poor. When my grandma died, she left me her country music vinyl collection. I saved a few, the rest I donated to an old folks home who really loved them.

Two of my grandparents died before I really knew them. The other two, the mean ones, lived long enough for me to know them.

I never had a nice grandma baking me cookies and spoiling me. 😢

It’s all going to my partner, my best friend, my college to create an endowed fund, and some charities, including a GLB one .... nothing to my siblings or their children ... not happy Im gay? Oh well for you! 🥳

My aunt passed away about 15 years ago. That side of the family comes from generations of poverty. Her only child had passed away a few years before she did. She left a handwritten will asking that each niece/nephew receive $100. That was a big deal considering her finances, and I was stunned that she remembered each of us like that. As the siblings cleaned out her house to sell it, my mother removed a box of CDs from the "trash" pile, and gave me the CDs. One of them was the Beatles' White album which I had never heard. I tried it out once, and I then I listened to it obsessively for several months. It was genius. (Duh.) I considered that to be the true gift I received from my aunt.

I think I might like to give some money to the kids of my first boss, who gave a young, nervous, chubby gayling my first break. And maybe some to a friend's son (the friend passed away, leaving her three-year-old son without a mom). And, I'd like to leave some to animal charities.

My only concern would be a younger cousin trying to swoop in to get my money for their own kids. Maybe I'll have a clause that no money is to go to blood relatives.

Wrote a book.

I've done a trust (years ago) for my 2 nephews and 1 niece, It's all pretty tied up.

They'll all be fairly wealthy when I die.

Yeah probably but I won’t know for sure until.

R47 because I'm not wealthy, set up a Revocable trust. If I am wind up in a nursing home, they can't my money,

R27, if your brother is the executor, what’s to stop him from taking a share by hiding assets or inflating his executor fees?

My grandparents left everything to their children. My parents are leaving an investment portfolio to the grandchildren equally, and everything else to me and my siblings equally.

R66 - executor is not power of attorney - he can't touch the assets, he just executes the instructions of the will. Executor fees are typically outlined, but doesn't have to be included.

I know, but I have seen it happen. An executor has a lot of power.

Yes, my brother and I were both written out of my mother’s will. She made a point to specifically state that she was not leaving anything to us for reasons that were well known to us.

She didn’t get the last word, Faye did.

Rot in Pieces, Mommie Fucking Dearest

I know a family where the elderly parents named their son as the executor of their will, which divided everything equally among their four children. Then, the son screwed over his three sisters. It took him nearly ten years to settle the will. In that time, he got a full set of dental implants, bought a new car, bought expensive gifts for his kids and grandkids, etc. Then, he finally got around to doling out what was left. His sisters received much less than what their parents had told them to expect.

[quote] It’s all going to my partner, my best friend, my college to create an endowed fund, and some charities, including a GLB one .... nothing to my siblings or their children ... not happy Im gay? Oh well for you!

Did you include “for reasons that are well known to them” in the will? Please?

Really interesting how many of us have had mean, petty grandmothers! What is their deals??

I instantly related to whomever upthread said "I did not have the cookie-baking type of grandmother." My mom's mom was narcissistic, judgmental, snobby petty and immature. After divorcing my long-suffering, meek, nice, financially successful grandfather after 41 years of browbeating the man into the hospital with a heart condition, she was independent, free and totally set up for life. But she never mellowed or softened. She was just randomly bitter and petty.

She played favorites with everyone--she hated my mom and favored my aunt. She looked down on me and favored my cousins. She randomly did not approve of my interests, my major, my clothes, hair, friends --nothing. My cousins could do no wrong and I could do no right, even though I got great grades and was by far the most successful and worldly of the three grandkids.

When I was 35 and I had finally settled into a great, affluent chapter of my adult life, she suddenly wrote me a five-page letter how disappointed she was in me. I was cut out of the will and she could not bear to continue to be in contact with me.

So yeah, I will tell people "How come other peoples' grandmas are so cuddly and supportive, and they bake cookies and smell like cinnamon? And I ended up with this bitchy mean one?" It's my great wound I am forever working through.

Yes I was molested and abused then cut out of the will.

R72, that sounds horrible. And I also feel bad for your mom, who had to grow up with that bitch for a mother.

R74 Thank you that means a lot. Yeah, my mom is sort of damaged goods. I'm an only child as well, and I too often had to comfort and parent my own mother growing up, because of her terrible relationship with her mother. And no siblings to validate or analyze the weirdness with. Oy vey, it should not be so complicated to simply be a member of a family.

R72 - is she still alive? That type of nasty letter isn't something to just 'accept' - although that's probably what you've been conditioned to do.

R76 No she died about 11 years ago. I screwed up the nerve to call her when she was in decline. She told me that she loved me...and that she should have adopted me away from my horrible, no good mother when I was little! She said this a few times in the conversation because she was having memory issues. Anyway, I didn't fly out for the funeral or anything. But I got some sort of weird closure from the call.

You also nailed it - I was conditioned to accept the bad treatment. My mom was a total wuss always cowered, faked it, cried, and placated, instead of standing up for herself. I was taught to placate and hide my selfhood and play all kinds of games to avoid the wrath of my grandmother--which was, in the end, unavoidable no matter how crazy I made myself trying to avoid it.

"If I am wind up in a nursing home, they can't my money,"

Oh, dear..

One of my mom's sisters never liked me. I told my mom, "Aunt ___ doesn't like me," and my mom always said that wasn't true. After my mom had been dead for a while, my aunt lost her temper, and yelled at me over something really stupid. I knew she didn't like me, but was shocked that she was yelling at me. I didn't know what to say, plus, she's a senior citizen. It's not so easy to talk back in the moment.

Please bear in mind that the following isn’t just about not being left a sum of money or nice piece of furniture; although I can understand why that can reasonably matter to some people in some circumstances. It’s also about the symbolism involved in not being mentioned at all in the “last will and testament” of a loved one, or not being included in preliminary discussions of changes in said will; when others were seemingly, openly, included in these discussionsM and it getting any explanation at all in a change to long established plans. I’ve also simplified this story for brevity, but it’s even worse than described.

I was written out, or “downgraded”, twice, as my older sister is apparently a financial idiot in legitimate employment and saving/investment, but apparently used her alleged impoverishment to manipulate our mom’s mother and later, our mom, to increase my older sister’s inheritance from both, at the expense of the rest of us siblings. It was a crushing surprise the first time, as my Grandmother favored me, but was convinced by my sister that I was wealthy and therefore undeserving. “Gram” left me nothing. Not even a mention. This was less that five years after I graduated Grad school in debt at age 29.

The second time, it served to figure, so I wasn’t too surprised to learn that by my older sister also manipulated my Mom to “downgrade” the other grandchildren in the Will, including me. This was exactly how my sister initiated her manipulation of our grandmother. Our grandmother had made numerous, subsequent revisions to her will in which she gradually favored my older sister at the expense of the other grandchildren, until my older sister was sole heir. My sister didn’t have enough time to work on manipulating my Mom before she died, as she had with our grandmother. Mom rewrote her otherwise long-standing Will just weeks before she died, with an initial downgrade. What was worse, this time, wasn’t what my older sister and mother did; but that my twin knew that I had been crushed after I learned that my grandmother had written me out of her will, but my twin never told me about what she knew about our Mom’s initial Will downgraded, so I found out about it on the night that Mom died.

What was equally upsetting was that my older sister had secretly fired Mom’s attorney of 50 years, and switched to my older sister’s attorney. He learned about that at the reception following Mom’s burial. (Is there a better name, than “reception”?) He brought Communion to Mom at her house, twice a week, for some months, but wasn’t told. I feel awful about that, for him. I had told him what the older sister did with my Grandmother, a few years before, but never got a chance to speak with him about it. I’m sure that was what he thought of, when he heard he’d been fired months earlier. This was very uncharacteristic of my Grandmother and Mom, though not of my older sister.

I‘ve forgiven my older sister, which is not to hard to do lately, since the only time I’ve seen her in the last 25 years was at a couple events dealing with my parent’s funerals, including a court date where I successfully contested her misuse of $20,000 from my Mom’s estate. My gutless twin agreed to contest the Will together, and then backed out in the judge’s chamber. Mom died in 2007, but I am still secretly and grossly disappointed in my twin for not telling me about our Mom’s change to her will, and then backing out of the dispute in the last moment of the matter.

Nothing to handle. It is what it is.

I got a NO provision made for clause in a will. Life goes on.

The big take away from R80 is this: [italic] You only get a chance to die once, so don’t fuck it up. [/italic] There are no do-overs. There is no opportunity to explain your apparent change of heart from a lifetime of affection, or your reasoning for that change. The scars you leave behind will last a lifetime, so don’t be a stupid, selfish cunt.

This lesson is what keeps me from writing my twin out of my own will; and doubly so because my twin’s husband is a racist Deplorable and has only barely disguised his own dislike for me in recent years. They don’t have anything in savings, due to “keeping up with the Jones” (see “Deplorable“, earlier), and I have been planning on leaving my twin the bulk of my estate, but I absolutely do not want her husband to retire on an inheritance from me. I’m leaving my sister a good sum of money, if that day should come that I predecease her, and I’m just going to forget about my bro-in-law for now. If she dies first, I’ll leave their sole child some money. And I’ll just hope not to die unexpectedly.

R36 - your grandmother really knew how to throw shade.

The bible! You have to respect that... That's top notch shade.

I think they need a law that states you have to leave your estate/ money to your children. It should be equally. The only time that it should be non-equal, if you need to leave more money for care for a disabled child. You should take all of your children to the trust lawyer, so they all know.

There are so many financial scams targeting elderly and mentally ill people. This law would end it. We need better laws.

Mom passed, dad has debts so no inheritance for my sister and me. I have two aunts who have no kids but they are going to leave their houses and money to charity. I don’t think I will ever inherit anything. I could use it after my divorce but well it is the way it is.

My parents were of a mixed marriage, which in my parents time meant that one was Catholic and one was Protestant. GASP! Yes, this was an issue in their era and the Catholic Church would not allow my parents to be married in the church; they had to be married in the rectory. My mother's family were strong Protestants who did not like Catholics or the fact that my father was a small businessman (they were farmers). Tensions waxed and waned between my parents and my mother's parents during the first 20 years. It peaked when I graduated from HS resulting in a 15 year freeze in communications. It hurt my mother as she was the oldest and responsible one in the family that became quite wealthy from farming. In later years there was some moderation and communications improved. When my grandfather died, he included nasty comments amount my mother in the will and reduced her inheritance to $10K. My grandmother lived until a few years ago and while she modified her will slightly, my mother was given pittance and my siblings and me excluded. My mother's siblings and our cousins all received many acres of valuable farmland and sums of cash. I won't know my cousins if they passed me on the street. We all went our own ways.

What was more important to my parents is that they loved each other, worked together and raised a successful family. We all became well educated and are respected leaders in health care, business and education.

In later years, as we became successful, we were able to support our parents in retirement with financial support, homes and new cars. There are many stories to this saga, but not worth the bad memories to discuss. What is important is that while money is often a wedge that divides a family, but true love and care for each other always wins.

I don't know how some of you can be so forgiving - particularly to siblings who have screwed you in this way.

It seems like it is always the least financially responsible people who do this and they make up their justifications over it instead of looking at their irresponsible ways.

I’ve taken over my parents’ finances since they’ve gotten older. I assure you, I’m well taken care of in their wills

My family doesn’t have much so being in or out of the Will means little

R87 well I wouldn't say I would still see them regularly. However if people are so shallow and care so little that makes it very clear what type of relationship you do not have with your sibling(s). A waste of energy to keep too much in touch with them. Many people really don't know better and it's sad.

I have a friend who is an only child. Her mother has two siblings who didn’t procreate. Growing up, I heard all about what she was going to inherit, being the last and only child on her mother’s side (prosperous family). Well, her aunt adopted a teenager from an impoverished country and she was spitting nails. Hates that “cousin” who is likely going to inherit most of that aunt’s money. However, she has been deeded an income-producing property by that aunt, in a very wealthy area. All she has to do is pay the property tax on it. It’s a very sweet deal, but all she does is bitch about it. She’s also battling for an inheritance from her father’s side of the family, which she is about to lose.

I know it’s mean of me, but she is so fucking greedy I hope she doesn’t get another cent from anyone. I hope they all leave to charity instead of this grifting, grasping ingrate.

My parents disinherited my brother and his six children.

They don’t know it. Yet.

I pray they live a long time because I don’t want to deal with the insane bullshit that will transpire after they pass away.

My dad called several months ago to tell me that he cut my brother and me out of his will. He said he is leaving everything to his current, third wife, with whom he has no children.

Too bad for him that Ohio has laws to protect inheritances for children whose parents remarry. We would have to contest the will during probate, but we'll see how it goes.

R60 wins.

Great inheritance.

I had a great aunt on my Dad's side, who died childless. Left everything to my Dad and his three brothers, but cut their sister out of the will. It said in the will, "I leave no provision for So and So, because I know she is well taken care of by her husband." That was a load of crap. The old lady did it, because the niece (my Dad's sister) didn't send her birthday cards and stuff...petty stuff. My Dad persuaded his brothers to cut their sister into the estate.

R92 here.

I posted in haste. Some of these replies are infuriating.

My parents grew up poor. They worked hard and saved much more than average, so by the time I was an adult they were comfortably upper middle class. Now they are “wealthy”.

My younger brother was a fuckup who got religion, married his HS girlfriend, and now has six kids. My parents bought them a nice house, and have also given them a couple hundred thousand dollars over the last 2 decades, around 10k/yr for each kid. They’ve probably given me 30-40K in gifts (usually when mom decided to get a new car, I would take her 3 year old car in exchange for my 6 year old car) but I was fortunate enough to become financially stable in my early 20s- mostly because IDGAF about driving the newest car or nicest house!

When my dad got sick I built a house on their farm. Because my brother refuses to bring his children around me they have been punished. My brother hasn’t seen them more than five times in the last 3 years.

I recently learned they were changing their will, and that their Trust will pass directly to my second youngest nephew. I will administer it until he is 40. (He is 4 years old but so obviously gay that Helen Keller could see it from space)

I was a bit surprised by their decision, but I guess they realized it was the most elegant solution. The gay grandkid inherits everything if I die!

I had to laugh. My brother expects to inherit enough money to pay off some of the lavish that they have incurred. Serves him right.

(He does love his son, and isn’t in denial about the probability he is homosexual. He is just insane, and thinks it can be fixed. I don’t look forward to the legal challenges I’m going to be forced to undertake)

I am the youngest and had thought I had a good relationship with my brothers and sisters -- to the point that was happy to make the eldest two executors, since they were retired and could use the fees. My mother had her will changed to a trust when she developed AD.

What an error! They disposed of the estate exactly as they wished and refused to meet with me, etc. Nor did they honor our mother's stated desires in her will, which was superseded by the trust. All family heirlooms were disposed of by an estate sale service -- I had to contact them to buy a painting of my childhood dog, etc, from them. I've never received a financial accounting, which I was told legally executors are not required to give. That was news to me.

I decided to ignore it all but it really did fracture my relationship with my siblings. I think what happened is that old childhood resentments (that I had forgotten or had never realized in the first place ) resurfaced after my mother's death, and with a vengeance. Had I been less trusting, the unpleasantness would have stayed hidden and we would probably all be on better terms.

R80, how can you leave money to your sister and not have her husband benefit? I don't think there's a way to do that. The only thing I've heard of people doing in that situation is to leave the money in a trust for her children and make sure her husband can't legally get his hands on it.

I meant R82.

[quote] R63: I've done a trust (years ago) for my 2 nephews and 1 niece, It's all pretty tied up. They'll all be fairly wealthy when I die.

I know. I wish I could be there after I die. It’ll be like Christmas.

[quote] R98: How can you leave money to your sister and not have her husband benefit? I don't think there's a way to do that.

R98, I am both R80 and R82. First, some background: My brother-in-law is a lazy slob who has mooched off my twin sister for their entire marriage. My twin sister vomits every Sunday night, because she hates her job so much, thinking of the workweek starting Monday; but she’s got a strong work ethic. He works, but at his own company, and I don’t think he has ever made much money. He golfs during business hours and drives around a lot during the day, goofing-off. His business has just failed due to COVID. He’s got a drinking problem, too. I help them out, but I think my BIL hates me more because I have done so, so no good deed goes unpunished. Ok, enough of that.

If my sister predeceases me, I’ll leave money to their son, who I have a great relationship with, and nothing to my BIL. That’s not a problem.

If my BIL predeceases me, I’ll leave money to my twin sister. That’s also not a problem.

I imagine I could create a trust that doles out a set, small, amount to my twin sister while they remain married; and then release the entire remaining sum from the trust to my twin sister if he dies, or they divorce; and then leave the remaining balance to their son if she dies or they divorce. It’s possible that she and I will both live to be 90 or older.

I think that the best thing to do, to deal with the uncertainties of life, is to leave her money in my will, and if I die unexpectedly, that’s fine if they remain married. It would just bug me, posthumously, if she died shortly after I did, or they divorced. I think that is better for my sister’s peace of mind if I don’t create a trust as described, so I’ll just hope for the best.

I heard somewhere that you should never badmouth your spouse to your family. You may forgive your spouse, but your family will have a harder time doing so.

I don't understand the entitlement of a will. Unless you are a minor or a spouse financially dependant on the dead, it's ridiculous to be pissed for not getting money you never worked for yourself, though I can understand why people get pissed at their parents who disown them.

R23 - Your scenario is my dream. I think I am going to be cut out, but if he left it all to me, my hope is that all the bad feelings would go away. In my mind, it would show that he really did care. Maybe that is more magical thinking or a Hollywood ending. He's 69 - I guess we will see.

R103, one of the problems is when people are told they are getting an inheritance, and then they don’t. Then they are shocked, hurt, and angry to learn that things had changed to their detriment, right while they are grieving a great loss.

My eldest brother is at the far end of the “spectrum”. He says he was told by my Dad that he would get the family business. Years later, my two sisters joined the business, Sears had taken his home appliance business, and Home Depot took the remainder of his home window A/C business. So, things changed.

My Dad died in 2005, perhaps 25 years after my brother got his supposed promise of the business, and despite all the changes, and working with my sisters for a couple decades, but he was bitter that he didn’t get the entire business. Oh, he didn’t actually sacrifice in exchange for this promise. For example, he didn’t “buy into” the business. He also knew for years in advance that the estate was to be evenly split, and he would share the business with my sisters. I think my brother was ridiculous about the whole thing, but he felt he had a promise that was not kept.

[quote]my hope is that all the bad feelings would go away

R104 Trust me, they don't and never will until you come to the realization that all the money and property in the world do not indicate "care" nor is it a panacea for decades of horrific treatment. The bad feelings are only somewhat mitigated by my realization that the man who produced me is a miserable motherfucker. Whose final FUCK YOU to me was leaving it all to me, knowing that the responsibility for so much stuff would be an huge burden and never-ending source of anguish and anxiety.

R103, in another example, my Grandmother told us all how her estate was divided. Her Will was essentially unchanged for decades. We were very close. We loved spending time together. I took care of her yard and helped with her house, and we played cards together frequently for a quarter a game. But, she changed her will under my eldest sister’s influence, and never told me. She also secretly fired her estate attorney of 40 years, and switched to my eldest sister’s estate attorney, foreshadowing the same thing that would happen with my mother’s estate attorney a decade later.

Oh, I just remembered, my Mom sent us all a letter some months before my grandmother died. Apparently, my eldest sister expected my parents to pay for my grandmother’s escalating healthcare costs, instead of drawing down from the estate. (This would have. Want a larger inheritance for my eldest sister at my parents expense.) My mother wrote us saying that she would take care of the cost of our Grandmother‘s care, [italic] after [/italic] her estate was exhausted from paying for her costs. That was the beginning of more drama that I won’t go into except to say that family dynamics are complicated.

I can understand that she might have felt awkwardly talking to me about the change, but since she was the one who raised the subject in the first place and told me about her intention, I think she really owed it to me to leave her Will as it was, or explain why she changed it. The letter from my mother and the change in the estate lawyer made the whole thing seem shady, and I felt I’d been lied to by my grandmother and in particular by my sister. As a result, I was hurt and angry and felt deceived by people I cared about.

I saw my grandmother a week before she died. She was sleeping when I arrived from out of town, and I went in, just to see her, not intending to wake her. She did awake, and seemed distressed. She wanted to tell me something. I shushed her, told her to go back to sleep, and I’d see her the next week. She died the night before I was to arrive for a weekend visit that next week. Everything about he estate was a clusterfuck.

R23, I wondered as I read your post if he simply hated everyone in the family and really hated the people he knew the best, the ones he saw most frequently, and his bequest to you was a “fuck you” to them, as well as to you?

R100, if you are able to, why don't you dole out some money or property now, so you can enjoy "Christmas" before you die? That's what I hope to do.

[quote] Whose final FUCK YOU to me was leaving it all to me, knowing that the responsibility for so much stuff would be an huge burden and never-ending source of anguish and anxiety.

It's not like you're forced to accept it is it? If you don't want that burden you can either decline it or just sell the shit and rid of all that. I can't believe someone is whining about getting money and assets. You must be very privileged to do that.

R23, I suspect he left it all to you because you are his biological child.

Enjoy the money. If you don’t like the condo, hire a reputable management company to rent it for you, or sell it.

R110, I’m sure there’s a long story to it.

Will? Who am I, Krystle Carrington?

[quote] R109: if you are able to, why don't you dole out some money or property now, so you can enjoy "Christmas" before you die? That's what I hope to do.

Good idea. I did help one nephew buy his house after he got married. He already owned a small condo, but he bought in 2004 and was underwater for at least a decade. He might still be. He couldn’t afford to buy a larger place. Then his bride got cancer on top of having lupus or something similar. Finally he managed to rent the condo out for more than his monthly condo costs, and bought a rather big house. His wife can’t have kids as she’s on some kind of anti-cancer meds for five years, and she’s getting older now, so I think they’re not going to have kids.

I also helped pay for my twin’s son’s college. I managed my twin’s investments for 8 years and am proud to have done really well, while managing risk. Then my BIL added his money to hers and they made 53% in the next two years, but he didn’t think it was enough. Then he accused me of stealing from them because he didn’t understand how one of his investments worked. Finally, I quit after he yelled at me because he was mad about “that PC crap” that he heard about on Fox. I really can’t stand him.

I’ve never been left out of a will but I’ve had my inheritance stolen. My father left me and my siblings are $1 million life insurance policy and my stepmother stole every dime. I’ve been fighting her for nine years.

How fid your stepmother get the insurance proceeds, r115? Where I live, they’re designated, and unless the estate is the beneficiary, they go directly to named beneficiaries on the policy.

An older close friend who is rich and without heirs other than than quite distant family who famously rich has, I'm sure, cut me from his will.

In recent years we drifted a bit due to geography but this or something else weighed upon him, and in a couple of notes or calls I detected that he was a bit put out that we saw each other less frequently. In this time I got married and he sent me a pissy note of congratulations on the boldness and bravery of my decision "at our age" (I'm three decades younger) and some barely disguised sentiments to the effect that I was digging my own grave -- softened with a few cheery phrases of goodwill and out of character punctuation marks. We haven't communicated since.

For years when I would visit at his his house he would explain that the near constant spread of papers on the dining table signaled that he was changing his will (again) and had included some additional provisions for me -- among lots of complicated bequests to institutions, accounting in part at least for why the document had endless codicils.

I never inquired or encouraged, and told him simply that if he wanted to leave me something as a reminder of our friendship that that was very kind but certainly unneccesary.

That's a call from a lawyer that is not going to come I'm sure. It would have been curious to see if he had left me some quirky strange thing, something of value, or even more, but it will remain just that, an idle curiosity.

[quote] I got married and he sent me a pissy note of congratulations on the boldness and bravery of my decision "at our age" (I'm three decades younger)[.]

That's hilarious, R117. I have an older friend (not 3 decades older, though) who says "people our age ..." On top of that, this friend acts like a real old fogey sometimes (old for his age, even).

Anyway, I have a relative who seems to be shuffling around his will provisions. It's ridiculous.

I lost my father at 14. I had an uncle who would always melodramatically boast about how one day he was going to provide for me, the only son of his beloved older brother, who (truly) had done so much to help him out over the years. Mind you, I didn’t really take him seriously, nor did I ever ask for, expect, or take a penny from him. I never even thought about it. Well, then I did something he didn’t like (long story but nothing terrible) and that was that. He died and - zip. I had to laugh, but after all his big talk it was insulting to think he made a point of wielding his “power” in such a petty way, to hurt me. My father would have been disgusted with him. I shrugged it off.

You know what? It’s been 25 years and this is the first time I’ve ever vented about this, to anyone. Feels good. Guess what, fucker, I didn’t care and didn’t need your money, which probably wasn’t much anyway. And I don’t remember you fondly.

Yeah, my father cut me and my sister out, but he was so dumb that his estate was a pittance and we got his entire work pension.

Your friend doesn't owe you a thing, R117. Why would you expect to be included in his will unless he said that you were?

Kill me, R117, I think I blanked on the whole section where your friend said he was leaving you something. Time to up the dose.

R116 she got the money from the trustee. He lied about being the trustee. Then he got the money from the insurance company deposited it into a bank in New York and then routed the money to her. The trust was irrevocable and governed by California law. But they stole it anyway. I wonder if I could just put liens on her assets to get the money back.

Ha, R121/R122. My friend told me often -- too often -- that I was in his will, so I just tried to be gracious and deflect the conversation elsewhere. I have no doubt that I was, and equally no doubt that I've been cut, but the showiness of mentioning it too much makes it easy not to "miss" what I had no claim to anyway, as you said.

This is the best thread ever - keep sharing!

[quote]Three flies and a scab don’t go very far.

What a greedy little bitch you are Darfur Orphan.

A decent scab can be stretched for DAYS!

My dad was a complicated guy. Addiction and anger issues, kids w 4 women, at times dishonest, PTSD from army service but mellowed w age. He cut my oldest sister out of his will for reasons I could understand. I asked him to please leave her a letter explaining why he chose to do that. Never did. I think he really wanted a last fuck you. He died before my mom which according to his will left everything to her. Sister never even saw a copy of the Will. So grateful because it would’ve wrecked her and tainted her relationship w everyone else.

I once outed a Will who was cut.

My grandma kept asking me to come over so I could pick out favorites from her jewelry and stuff like that. Grandma lived very modestly and had very little jewelry - all of it CZ type stones.

I was uncomfortable at the thought of looking like a vulture, digging through her stuff and kept putting it off, so she ended up letting my greedy cousins select their favorite pieces first.

My cousins, Anastacia and Drizella, picked the rings that my dad had given her (I'm certain their dad never gave grandma anything nice bc he and his wife are always in financial straits). Bet they dont have the rings anymore since A and D are brand snobs.

I was not cut out of the will of a gay uncle as I was never in the will. But a few weeks after he died his old bitchy partner had every member of the family that he could find an address on served with papers requiring a signature that said relatives had no claim on the dead uncle's estate. I hadn't had any contact with the man in decades. It was laughable at how much work and expense that old queen he lived with went to to find people all over the country, none of whom even showed up to the old bastard's funeral or sent condolences. He was a nasty piece of work his whole life.

I came home from work one evening and there was a card from a sheriff's deputy waiting for me at the lobby attendant's desk asking me to contact them about some sort of legal document. I called and was told it was something being served by a man I'd never met, but recognized as the partner of my dead uncle. I told them they could bring the papers by my office the next day. When the deputy showed up (he had no idea what the papers were about) I took a look at them, saw quickly what it was, and laughed. I told the deputy what the papers were about and he said "you're kidding, sounds like that guy is paranoid". But I signed for them, took them to my office and put them through the shredder.

With everything we buy nowadays being so easily replaced, the only things future generations will want to inherit are money and homes (and homes will be turned into money by being sold almost immediately)

No one wants the china, pianos, furniture, cars, etc, anymore.

My siblings and I have great, stable jobs, houses, and savings. None of needs our parents' money. We also get along very well and are fair. When our parents' die, the money will be split 3 ways.

That's a great position to be in.

My wealthy Trump loving aunt cut me out, which I totally expected because I told her I cannot be around her if she supports Trump. She took great pleasure in telling me I was no longer in her will, I took great pleasure in telling her I don't need a fucking dime from her.

[quote]No one wants the china, pianos, furniture, cars, etc, anymore.

I'm not convinced many ever did except that they thought it might be valuable. If you came from old rich stock and your parents and their parents and their parents collected fine art, fine furniture, unique silver (not 20thC machine stamped patterns), or something rare that you can see in the American Wing at the Met or an equivalent place, yes, of course, but middle class middling goods...it's all like cars in that it all starts depreciating immediately. Mother's Royal Doulton or grandmother's, it was never worth that much, and less by the day for decades now. Like a car, it's the remembrance of luxury or the enjoyment of the fumes left over in the tank of what was once luxury. Try getting an auction house to haul your mother's piano to their sales rooms to see it for $200 or $300.

I don't expect many grandmothers' homes have masking tape labels with the names of family members who claimed the shitty Lenox china or the fifty year old Ethan Allen breakfast room set or the Towle electroplated sterling tea service and tray. It's worthless all of it.

R134 - yes, it's always an eye-opener what furniture will sell for at auction. Until you've tried to liquidate an entire house of items, you'll never know what a pain in the ass it is. And how little you'll get for really nice things.

On the other hand, you can get great stuff for a bargain at these types of places.

I never talk about who in my family gets what. I have two friends who I’ve told I’m leaving something to, though not how much. One is a teacher in a boys prison. Now that you’re all excited, my friend is a woman. So, she saves nothing, and what I’m leaving her is, for her, relatively a lot. She won $45,000 in a lottery last year, most of it went to pay off debt and taxes, so what I’m leaving her will e a god sum. Statistically, I should live to be about 90, outlive 4 siblings, and be survived by my twin sister and another sister.

I had a friend of over 30 years, who died recently. I worked for him at a business in Ptown when I was 19. He owned a number of businesses there, at what must have been prime time, from pre-stonewall to mid 1980s. I thought of him as my Gay father figure and really loved him. When he moved from Florida back “home” to the midwest in his mid 80s, I knew I’d never see him again, so I wrote him a fan-mail letter, telling him how much he meant to me. I didn’t write in it, “since you’re about to drop dead, I wanted to tell you how much you’ve meant to me...”, but that was the idea, lol. He sounded very flattered by it when we talked over the phone later.

He had distinctive hand writing, and a distinctive Christmas card where he misspelled my last name every year. One year I got his card a little early, in November. It was always so nice seeing that envelope in my mail every year. When I opened it, it contained his obit with a nice note from his niece. It was a little odd that he had addressed the envelope himself. There was no explanation for that bit of foresight!

I had no reason to think he’d leave me anything in his will. He had told me that, since his siblings predeceased him, he was leaving his estate to his college, though I’d never heard him mention his college before, haha. I later looked online and the college bequest was $6 million. To be absolutely forthright, I wouldn’t have minded if he had passed along some peanuts to me. In any event, it was nice remembering him as I wrote this post.

Here’s a post from R132 circa 2025:

My cunty sister assured me that we were splitting my folk’s money three ways; meanwhile, she printed out my manhunt profile and sent it anonymously to my parents. Then she told them that she knew about the account, but didn’t want to freak my parents out by telling them about it. Then she told then that the month I spent teaching English and math to Masai kids in Kenya was actually spent in rehab. She’s got a house in France now, and I’m stuck in New Jersey.

I have a friend who’s a priest and some cunt anonymously sent his Manhunt profile to his boss, the Bishop. True story. He’s the only Priest I’ve heard of who wears a black leather jacket, drives a motorcycle, and has washboard abs. I picked him up from jail once and gave him a ride home. (I’m not referring to DataLounge’s own Xavier, so don’t ask.) There’s no inheritance involved in this story, but it’s still amazing.

R135, I had one yard sale when I was about 35, and I swore, never again. I have since sold stuff on eBay and Craig’s List, but unless it’s a particularly valuable item, it’s easier to just donate the item to a charity, get a tax deduction, and do a mitzvah. Unless a friend wants it. I gave a couch and chair to my housekeeper once.

[quote] I had a friend of over 30 years, who died recently.... I thought of him as my Gay father figure and really loved him.... I had no reason to think he’d leave me anything in his will. He had told me that, since his siblings predeceased him, he was leaving his estate to his college[] ... $6 million. To be absolutely forthright, I wouldn’t have minded if he had passed along some peanuts to me....

R137, had you been in touch very much throughout the 30 years? Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand leaving all your money to a college. On top of that, his niece sent you the obit, so he did have at least one niece. He didn't have to set you up for life, but a down payment on a house, maybe?

R119 here. I should add, I had a boozing, smoking old rogue cousin whom the rest of the family tut-tutted about, but I always loved. He was hilarious. And when he died, he left me a nice little pile of money and furniture.

These stories make me less bitter that I grew up dirt poor and have had to support my mother financially for 25 years. Nothing to expect. I shockingly large portion of my friends - Gen X - are planning their retirement around receiving huge inheritances when their parents die. It would be nice - but I guess I have some sense of self respect that I’m doing it all on my own.

Oh, here’s a sad one. My former boyfriend from 1983 moved to San Francisco and met a slightly older guy who lived on Elizabeth Street. That’s in a nice neighborhood about 1 mile from the Castro district on a hill. He was the former head of the San Francisco Mart and drove a classic Cadillac with the suicide doors. They were together for 20 years and my friend nursed his partner through his death from AIDS. The partner was quite a dick, btw.

My friend was promised a $200,000 inheritance. I don’t know why his partner was so cheap. Anyway, my friend was too nice to his late partner’s twin brother, who was executor, and the late partner’s whole family walked all over him. He never saw his $200,000 but he did get $400,000 in legal fees. It really traumatized my friend and taught me that the law is truly an ass.

[quote] R141: [R137], had you been in touch very much throughout the 30 years? Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand leaving all your money to a college. On top of that, his niece sent you the obit, so he did have at least one niece. He didn't have to set you up for life, but a down payment on a house, maybe?

Yes, I saw him when I went to Florida, but mostly I would call him on occasion. I don’t get the college thing either. When he told me, it sounded like he really didn’t want to leave it to his nieces or nephews, and simply didn’t know what else to do with it. I know the feeling. I love my nieces and nephews, but as they have become adults, it’s like I barely exist. I know, they are just busy with their lives, but it doesn’t make me feel generous. Out of 7, only 1 contacts me regularly.

When my friend told me his plans, I wish I’d told him to make sure he leaves his family members at least a token amount, enough so they know they were remembered and don’t feel like shit, but I thought I should be just listening and not opining, since he didn’t actually ask for my opinion.

[quote] R143: but I guess I have some sense of self respect that I’m doing it all on my own.

That’s a fine thing, but it’s a bit overrated.

[quote] I know the feeling. I love my nieces and nephews, but as they have become adults, it’s like I barely exist. I know, they are just busy with their lives, but it doesn’t make me feel generous.

Thanks for answering, R145.

This thread is timely. Last week, I told my brother that I thought my niece (young adult) didn't even like me. I have tried, throughout the years, to be closer to my niece. IMO, my brother didn't pave the way for that to happen. Now, it's too late.

I havn't spoken to my father in 25 years and I'm sure I won't get anything. My mother passed away last year and I inherited everything. It's not much, but it's a roof over my head and a decent amount of money that will last a bit. My 2 older sisters didn't fight it. They really would have had no business doing so since they ignored her a great many years. My maternal grandmother, who's a real narcissistic bitch, in all likelihood has cut me out of part of my mom's share of the will. What is it with maternal grandmothers? There are several of us on here who have nothing nice to say about ours.

But you want to talk shitty families? When my mom was dying of endometrial cancer the opinion of my lovely kin was that she was exaggerating and being manipulative.

I want to add that no one in the family except for one aunt even contacted my mom initially. My one sister did, an uncle, and another aunt did after they could no longer deny it wasn't some ruse, but it was basically out of some sense of duty. My grandmother NEVER did contact her.

I wont have the chance to cut my nephew out - it was never a consideration. He's the only one I have. No nieces. Growing up, my brother treated me like complete garbage. We kinda reconciled as adults but he married a psychotic alcoholic woman who made it clear she hated all of us (my other brother, parents). It culminated when my nephew was 4 and the wife accused my husband of wanting to molest him - since he had been in seminary during his college years and therefore, ya know, must be a child molester. She went ballistic at my dad's memorial, too - drunk screaming at my in-laws that she was going to kill them.

So we pulled back. That was all 8 years ago and I've barely had any contact with them since and have no relationship with my nephew. I did see him at my uncle's funeral last year and he - understandably - was standoffish. I can only imagine what his parents say about us.

That said, my husband and I have done pretty brilliantly in our respective careers. We will have a considerable amount of money to leave to someone (Im being modest). We've discussed it, and we are thinking about leaving most of it to my best friend's kids - a boy and a girl. I'm very close with them, they are absolutely wonderful and will no doubt be amazing adults.

But from a purely pragmatic POV, my brother is a complete imbecile. He is obsessed with money and beyond cheap, so I'm shocked he didnt do that calculous while watching his wife tear into us over and over and over.

I love the Chippendale chair in the background of OP's pic

R123, if you’re involved in litigation, you can put liens on her property. You should do that. I have a client who did this, and it meant property couldn’t be sold.

This is an affecting thread, thanks to all who wrote. (Hello, recent arrival here.)

I want to follow up on what R106 said, "all the money and property in the world do not indicate "care" nor is it a panacea for decades of horrific treatment."

I'm the only son of a mother who was a lethal combination, a hate-filled human, a person with a clinical thought disorder (DD-P, i.e. paranoia), and a very high IQ. She was relentlessly verbally and emotionally abusive, starting from before I was in school. One of her themes was to make it quite clear that I was to have no mind of my own, that I only existed to be an extension of her. A way of expressing this was to pretend, throughout my life, that I didn't have enough money, and she needed to give me some. When I tried to resist - "thanks Ma I'm fine, why don't you spend some on yourself?" - I was met with red-faced rage.

She owned no real estate (apart from her apartment and that's another story) but she did have alot of cash, because she could spot an opportunity (like BIG MAC bonds, for you New Yorkers of a certain age), and because she and my father lived a modest life. It worked this way: she and my father owned a muni bond account which she managed. He died, she made me co-owner. Then she took her own name off it. Then she had the wit to live 5+ more years so that the account would pass the look-back period for taxation. (You may want to try this - no probate, no executor!) She dies and I'm left with a nice six-figure account which produces an income.

This money isn't essential to me, but it is useful. You might think someone would be happy to have such a gift, but her purpose wasn't to be loving or generous, it was to satisfy herself, even after she was dead, that I needed her help to get by. And about once a week still I have a rage, a vein-popping, jaw-clenching rage, recalling her viciousness over the entire course of my life even onto her deathbed, and her unapologetic satisfaction in insulting and hurting her son, even when he was a child, and no amount of free money will ever compensate for that. I even said as much to her when she was around.

Not to absolve my father completely, he was out of his depth with the parenting stuff and he didn't intervene like he should have. But he was a truly decent guy and though he left only his library and a few Savings Bonds I still like him.

You know how many crimes are committed over inheritance? How many scumbags prey on the elderly and disabled over this? They need to pass a law stating that the children get the money equally. The children are the heirs. Then, it is simple. You prevent predators.

People who repeatedly get married and divorce, have children with different people or people who use money as a way to control and hurt their children are fucking scumbag, assholes. IF you have NO EMPATHY, do not have children.

Need this law.

Several of my cousins had a major fight over my Aunt’s collection of Royal Doulton porcelain figurines. In their defense, they were high end pieces from Europe purchased when that was a thing. Now that’s a DL inheritance battle.

Nah. I'm getting everything!

R152 thanks.

It saddens me when I think of all of the families (some homophobic) who inherited condos, houses, businesses, etc. when their gay sons died of AIDS rather quickly in the 80's and 90's.

Many partners were kicked out of their own homes. Parents are the de-facto inheritors in most states and they could (and did) contest any wills giving away items to partners.

Many of the gay bars to this day are owned by straight people who inherited them during this time.

[R158] Another reason for the clear inheritance laws: prevents predators, prevents discrimination against children/heir. It really is sick

My mother's mother's only sibling, a sister, was my favorite person in the world, when she was alive. My great-aunt had no children, so she used to treat my mother and her brothers as her kids. My grandmother was distant during the childhoods of all my cousins and me; only when she moved into assisted care did she try to establish relationships with us. One female cousin and I did so, out of the twelve of us first cousins. But grandma died and left all us grandchildren the exact same amount -- $12,500.

During the ten years after Grandma died, all my uncles died. When we had our daughter ten years ago, my great-aunt insisted that we come see her every time we went back east. She was lovely to my husband and our kid. We went to see her at least a dozen times, sometimes spending entire days with her. Throughout my life, she always told my mom and me that I was her favorite. When I was a kid, she would drive to our house to pick me up after work on Friday and bring me back on Sunday evening. She did this with no other cousin. She always reminded me that I was the only of my cousins that maintained contact and visited, and I lived the farthest away.

A few summers ago, I took our daughter back east without my husband. One day, when my dad and his wife had my kid, I went to visit Auntie. I took her out to eat, and then we went back to her house and talked and drank coffee for hours. At one point, she went to her bedroom and came out to present me with her "will." She told me where it was and that she was leaving everything except her house to me because I was her favorite. Of course, I demurred and told her I didn't want to think about her dying and thanked her, but changed the subject.

Four months later, she slipped and fell and went into a coma. As the closet living relative, my mom had to decide when to pull the plug. She did, and Auntie died. Imagine my surprise when all but one of my cousins showed up for the funeral. Then imagine when we all started sharing stories at the dinner afterward. It turns out that Auntie told each of us the exact same thing. So our dear great-aunt was actually a rotting, lying corpse.

When the will was "read" the following week, we found out that she left her considerable estate to her sixth husband's children and my mother's husband. She left nothing to my mom (her niece), any of my cousins or me, or our children. We sort of laugh about it now, it it stung at the time. It was classic divide and conquer, and we all, severally and jointly, fell for it. She is buried in the same cemetery in the middle of nowhere as my great grandparents on my mom's side, and my mom's brothers. When I am back there, I decorate all their grave sites except the dishonest old twat's.

R158 - you got that right. Many people are under the mistaken assumption that if you're married, your spouse automatically gets your property.

NOPE. In some states, the spouse is only entitled to 1/2 or even as little as 1/3. And this presumes there is a marriage, which was not available to gay men in the 80's and 90's.

Many gay men were struck down relatively quickly and didn't really think about succession - let alone the large legal costs incurred to make such arrangements for gay men. It wasn't as simple as one would think - particularly for gay men and lesbians.

You couldn't easily get a mortgage in two unmarried men's names back then. So, when a partner died, the other partner had no claim and it went to the family. Many people got locked out and kicked out of their homes.

I still have the 11 page letter my father wrote me when he found-out I was gay, threatening to disinherit me. He chilled-out after a while and didn't follow through, and we ended-up close prior to his death.

R161 here - just to be clear - anyone who is married, if a business or property is only in your partner's name - you could be in major trouble if they pass away suddenly.

Wills are fucking serious business - nobody expects to die in their 40's, 50's or even 60's. But it happens every day.

Actually, it's not that difficult to shelter assets in most states. A friend of mine, pre-gay marriage discovered that . His partner had some close relations with family, but he didn't. The real problem was that gay people like most don't do the estate planning that they should.

R164 - it's easier now. But the point is that it should be air-tight. Less than 25% of Americans have a will - which is somewhat understandable if you're under 50.

Many people don't get around to it. Big mistake for your loved ones. And, as someone who is now going into year 3 of my brother's probate, it can take forever to get things resolved.

Fingers crossed everything will be resolved in the next year. He died in 2018, car crash. 53 y.o. No will - but a lot of assets. Oh, and his fuck buddy (who was terrible with money and he would never give any money to her) has already absconded with about $200,000.

Holy crap, R160! She sounded like such a great person up until the entirely unnecessary, elaborate lies were revealed. Was that out of character for her? I wonder what made her do it; it sounds like everyone loved her already, so no need to bind them to her with lies.

My mother and her mother had been estranged for decades at the time of my grandmother's death. No surprise at all that she left 40% of her estate to my uncle, and 20% each to my cousin, my sister, and me. I was named executor in her will, and when I took it to the lawyers to begin probate they were horrified to find my mother was still alive. They felt that she could easily upset the will as a legitimate child of the decedent. Naturally, they predicted a lengthy and expensive court battle... My mother, of course, expected nothing from my grandmother, and immediately signed a legal waiver of all claims to the estate so that probate could proceed. (Note: the total value of the estate was under $50,000 as my grandmother had been living for some years on a reverse mortgage.) I was shocked that my grandmother's will -written by her lawyer -could be so easily contested! Certainly people have the right to leave their money as they wish -Especially when there are no dependents.

People should leave inheritance to their children. This should be the law. This will make everything so much simple. Stop predators and deadbeat parents in a single law.

If you do not have children, then you can declare a heir.

R168 - some kids treat their parents like shit their whole lives and ignore them in their senior years. Respect goes both ways.

There are some legitimate reasons and then there are petty reasons. That's why it is best to live your life expecting nothing. It's not your money.

I certainly agree that it's wise not to expect an inheritance, nor to depend on the assumption of receiving one. I'm always a little surprised by the depth of anger of some DL threads about inheritance, with their messages along the lines of "I worked hard and made it on my own, what's your problem?" or "Your parents owe you nothing you greedy cunt."

Of course parents should enjoy their wealth in their own lifetimes, and not sacrifice their own enjoyment to provide for their children upon their death. My parents spoke all the time of being self-made and working hard all of their lives, which was mostly true, but each inherited land and money which they never introduced to that conversation. They worked hard to establish themselves on their own and then were handed pots of money once they had done so—not unlike a lot of people who set out on their own (perhaps with negligible parental help) and then, years later, inherit money that is the icing on the cake, smoothing over the financial problems from that point forward.

There are real reasons to disinherit a child, but these should be seen a fairly extraordinary. If a parent wants to leave money to the orchestra society, why not? But they should leave something to their children as well in most cases, if only to pass along a cushion of security which they themselves enjoyed. If their children are decidedly well off and have no need for an inheritance, by all means leave the money to favorite charities. But it really shouldn't be so strange as thing as some DL threads would suggest that a parent leaves money to their child. It's pretty much the first assumption wherever you go in the world, and many laws are in place the world over to ensure that that happens when no provision was made.

You never know that someone seemingly living well and securely isn't eyeball deep in debt or financial trouble, or that appearances are not what they seem in either direction (people who lived modestly leaving large estates as the counterpoint), but the natural state of things, barring some great grudge or unusual circumstance is for money to be passed along in families, to spouses, to children, then to siblings and the rest. Counting on the money is risky, but overstating the value of being "self-made" sometimes sounds better than it is.

My father was the last one to die and he cut me out. Wasn't anything left as he was once of the morons who bought what Bernie Madoff was selling. However he did have $40,000 in a bank account that I was able to grab.

[quote]some kids treat their parents like shit their whole lives and ignore them in their senior years. Respect goes both ways.

[quote]There are some legitimate reasons and then there are petty reasons. That's why it is best to live your life expecting nothing. It's not your money.

I agree I've seen cases of kids who treat their parents like shit and sometimes they are legitimate reasons to cut children out of wills. I have an aunt whose first husband left her with 2 small children(daughter and son). Several years later, my aunt remarried to a widower with a daughter. My female cousin was a total bitch to her stepfather for no reason and she was also awful to my aunt. My male cousin did get along with him. My uncle was an engineer and he managed his money well. He also later inherited money and 6 rental properties from his father. My uncle passed away, my awful cousin was cut of the will and nobody in the family blamed him cutting her out.

A few years after that, I was working with a woman whose family was in a similar situation to my aunt's family. She and her twin sister were four when their father left their mother. Her mother remarried and had two kids with that husband. My former co-worker always said that her stepfather was her dad in her eyes and that she viewed his family as her grandparents, aunt, uncles, and cousins and not as step titles. One of her stepfather's sisters passed away and didn't leave anything to my co-worker and her twin sister, but her two half siblings were left money. My co-worker was really pissed that she and her twin were left out of the will. I sympathized with her a bit, but she whined about it for a long time at work that it got to the point where I couldn't sympathize with her. Another co-worker asked her if the stepdad's sister gave her Christmas, birthday gifts, graduation gifts, and gifts for other occasions and she said yes. I figured that the deceased woman was probably an ok person and maybe she had good reasons to leave out her brother's step kids out of the will.

I left that job a few years later and started dating a woman who grew up with step-parents. My ex girlfriend got along well with her step parents and their family members. One day I was telling her about my former co-worker's drama about the inheritance and she said that my former co-worker was a bitch. She told me that the only she ever wants/wanted from her step-parents' family members is to be treated decently and nothing else. A friend of mine who grew up with a stepfather said similar things. He likes his step-dad's relatives and has said that they are kind to him and gave him gifts as a child and teen. But, he doesn't expect them to ever leave him inhertiances or anything else when they pass.

I do not think there is any reason to disown your children. A child may need to do this for their own safety and protection. A child never chooses a parent, it is the other way around.

I do see the only case to leave more to one child, if that child is disabled. Your other children are fine. This is the only case I see as maybe justifiable.

We need a simple and straightforward law about it. Parent must leave their assets to their children. Children are the auto-heirs of parents. This eliminates so much predator behavior on elderly, and the disabled. It also models healthy parenting and families.

If step-parents really want to show commitment to their step-children, they can legally adopt. I know it's not as simple as that, but a deadbeat bio-parent might be tempted to allow the adoption b/c it means no child support, ever. If there is no adoption, then I don't think you can expect something from a step-parent.

On the flip side of that coin, I don't think the step-parent can expect doting care in old age by a step-child.

In most European countries, you are required by law to leave half your estate to your spouse and half to your children. You cannot disinherit them. That is because it is recognised that a family's wealth is the work of generations and each generation is just a link in a chain. But also there are horrible death duties :-(

In my own case, I was tied up in a terrible will contest that went on for over 5 years. My mother sowed discord her entire life, always pitting family, friends and neighbours against each other, and in death was no different. The litigants will now never speak to each other. I am sure everyone thinks of her now with bitterness instead of gratitude. You really aren't as free with how you dispose of your assets as you may think. It is very wrong for those who are leaving the world to destroy the r'ships of those who remain behind.

where I live you can never disown children completely they always get a third at the very least

[quote]In most European countries, you are required by law to leave half your estate to your spouse and half to your children. You cannot disinherit them. That is because it is recognised that a family's wealth is the work of generations and each generation is just a link in a chain.

Exactly. There's not much question of disinheriting children. There are also customs for how real estate is allotted: an unmarried adult may be considered to have rights to the parental house or a portion of it, so you may see family houses divided formally or informally into apartments within a house which they may have rights to occupy but perhaps not to own.

Spain has its own rules of succession in inheritance, and these sometimes trip up British expats with property in Spain who may think that UK laws apply and that they are free to leave their estate solely to a spouse, or cutting out children or even grandchildren.

[quote]In the UK and Ireland, the succession law allows you to leave your estate to whoever you wish. However, in some countries, there are limitations. For example, Spanish succession law is different. In Spain, children and spouses are the ‘legal beneficiaries’. As a result, you’ll only have one-third of your property left to bequeath as you like.

Priorities for succession in Spain:

1.) Children and grandchildren under the age of 21.

2.) Children and grandchildren over the age of 21, parents, grandparents and spouse.

3.) Brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, parents-in-law, daughter/son-in-law.

4.) Anyone else.

Wow - I had no idea Europe required you to leave it to your kids and spouse! That’s really shocking to me. I thought the US was bad for its inheritance based wealth - that is worse.

Yes, but R179, the death duties (inheritance tax) is very high.

R179 - not necessarily - it goes up with the size of the estate, the same as in the US and there are allowances where you don't have to pay any.

In UK, you get 325,000 pounds tax free. If you have an estate of a million pounds and divide by 3 children, then no tax is paid at all.

Yes, there is more tax than in the US, but we Americans pay for a whole lot of other shit out of our pockets that aren't a concern for Europeans - the least of which is expensive healthcare. But there's also expensive university, childcare, and elderly care.

My mom died when I was a teenager, and I got her 7-year-old car (which a friend of mine totaled a few years later) and her wedding ring (which an ex stole from me and sold for drugs).

I was estranged from my dad for most of my adult life, but we did reconcile a few years before he died. He left everything to his third wife, who is truly an angel on earth and deserves every penny.

She told me that she is leaving whatever she has to me, my sister, and her 3 kids.

My sister is a greedy bitch, probably a sociopath, who has always seen other people as objects to be used for her own selfish gain. I'd gladly forfeit my portion just so that she wouldn't get hers, and I would pay to see the look on her face when she found out.

My mother was in her fathers will along with her brother and sister, everything to be distributed equally. However her brother's name was on all of the accounts as a co-owner along with the property, he took everything, her share should have been a couple of hundred thousand and all she got was about five thousand dollars. The two sisters looked into suing him but the lawyer said while it was dirty, it was all legal.

Need to correct notion that in Europe -- or rather, particularly Spain -- the parents must leave their estate to their children, equally.

In fact, the parent can file an attestation with the local authority asserting that the child was "bad and ungrateful" and therefore be excluded from any inheritance. This document must be sent to the excluded child or children upon the death of the parent.

I have witnessed this happening.

In Spain, do children really take precedence over a wife, even if their mother?

UK and Ireland impose highest taxes on inheritance of all major economies

‘Old’ world economies charge higher inheritance and estate taxes than the ‘new’ world

Stealth taxes make passing on a family home more expensive than handing on a cash sum

The UK and Ireland take the highest proportion of inheritance or estate taxes of any major world economies, according to a new study by UHY, the international accountancy network.

Ireland would typically take 26%, and the UK 25.8% from the estate of an individual passing on an estate worth US$3m* to their heirs, well above the global average of 7.67%. For UK individuals that have never been married, the amount of inheritance tax taken from their estate would be even higher at 32.9%.

The study also found that European countries generally levy the highest inheritance taxes of all, with EU countries in the study taking 14% tax on the inheritance of a property of US$3million, nearly twice as much as the global average of 7.67%. However, on a lower value property worth US$350,000, the difference is narrower, with European countries taking on average 2.5% in inheritance or estate tax, compared to a global average of 1.9%.

Same here r1.

Parents promised me real estate. Coming out to them was the worst thing I ever did. Seriously. It totally fucked me over.

[quote] R131: No one wants the china, pianos, furniture, cars, etc, anymore.

Do you mean no one will be fighting over my misfit toys?

I'm R44 (age, 58). When I first met with my (still current) financial advisor, he asked if I had any "prospects". I told him No, since both my grandmothers had died nearly penniless on Medicaid. That's why my older brother was furious at his distribution, while I didn't care. I've already told my brother, sister, and ex-partner the shares they'll be receiving. They didn't say anything. What could they say? I love them all, but I'm not treating this as a contest.