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I'm in an open relationship and quarantined with my ex-husband, his boyfriend, my partner, and a roommate

My alarm goes off at 7:45 am. On some mornings my partner, Layne, is there laying next to me. But today it's just me and my little terrier mutt, Paco, who sleeps with his head on my chest. He has terrible breath, but the cuddles are worth it.

Layne is at his house in Koreatown with his roommate. We have decided that, for the time being, we're going to split our time between our two homes — some nights together, some nights apart.

"Good morning!" I text Layne, "I love you." Checking in has become a ritual of ours during lockdown.

I let Paco out, feed the cats, and make coffee. I put Bon Iver on the record player and sit down to write.

I can hear Matías, a friend who recently moved to Los Angeles from New York City, in the guest room. Alex, my ex-husband, is moving around in his room.

I am a 51-year-old gay man in an open relationship with my partner, which means we are allowed to play with other guys — together and apart. I'm quarantining with my ex-husband, his boyfriend, and our friend.

A lot of people ask me what it's like to live with my former partner. I tell them that he is like a brother. Just because things didn't work out in our marriage doesn't mean we don't want play a large role in each other's lives.

We live in a small three-bedroom craftsman house in Hollywood with a guest house in the back, where our friend — Robert — lives. We also have a front yard, and a backyard.

Sometimes it is just me, Alex, and Matías. Sometimes Layne is with us and Alex's boyfriend, Dylan, too. Dylan is quarantining in Silverlake with his roommate.

This is my family during the coronavirus pandemic: Five gay men, two cats, and a dog.

We are three separate households all coming together during this period of lockdown. We have very clear rules. We have all agreed to follow the guidelines around social distancing. We wear face masks when we have to go out, frequently wash our hands, and don't engage in potentially "dangerous" activity with anyone outside our extended family.

We know it's not just ourselves we are putting at risk.

Living in lockdown has forced us all to examine how we live our lives and how we approach our relationship with each other and other guys. Layne and I have had to talk a lot about what it means right now to be in an open relationship.

We decided that for the duration of the lockdown we would not be meeting other men. We are allowed to chat, video chat, attend Zoom "circle jerks' and exchange all the pictures we want. But for now, physically, it is just us.

We can revisit this as the world slowly begins to open up.

Being fluid is one of the most important tools in an open relationship. We both agree that we want to be able to explore other sexual partners, to be able to have experiences together and separate. But we are also aware that there will be times in our relationship when we will need to close things up, focus only on ourselves, or maybe renegotiate the rules around our status.

I've learned that non-traditional relationships require a lot of communication. Sometimes I feel like all we do is talk — even more so than when I have been in more traditional monogamous partnerships.

It is important that Layne gets to express his feelings around my living with my ex and it's my job to listen and to try to be as open and honest as possible.

For the most part it works. Layne is part of my family, just like Alex and Dylan and Matías are.

But living under stay-at-home rules can exacerbate any situation. We find balance in coming together for family time, when we eat dinner, watch movies, or just sit in the yard and in also allowing each other private space.

Finding this balance isn't always easy.

Sometimes we don't behave well. I have also found that small things can make me angry — if someone's hat is left on the table, if there are a few unwashed dishes, or there are no more cookies. Things that in normal times would not have bothered me can make me want to scream. Learning to self-regulate has been a challenge.

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by Anonymousreply 114Last Tuesday at 9:24 PM

We try to be patient with each other, but it's not easy.

Some nights Alex will get the living room to work on his art. I'll request the room to do my nightly yoga challenge. Matías uses his solitary time to play video games online with friends back in New York. Layne and I both enjoy our time together, but we have found that our time apart is equally important.

We give each other these moments, silently agreeing that this is part of the wellbeing of our household.

Around 8:30 am, everyone starts to come out of their rooms. We will make coffee, eggs, and bacon and usually plan one outing a day – a bike ride, a walk through our now quiet Hollywood neighborhood, or a drive through the canyons and out along the coast.

In the afternoons, we work out in our makeshift gym in the front yard.

In the evenings, we make dinner and watch a movie. When the house quiets down again, I like to sit alone in the living room, reading and listening to music.

In my LGBTQ+ community, we talk a lot about "chosen family," which arose because of homophobia and queer people being rejected by their relatives. We have built families out of friends, lovers, exes, and sometimes, our lover's lovers. We aren't bound by the same definitions as most of our heterosexual friends are.

"Living a queer life is the greatest act of defiance there is," my friend Laurent once told me. This was years ago, back when I was in my early 20s living in New York City.

"Being gay is radical," he added. "Loving who we choose, and not who we should, that is radical."

Months later, Laurent died of AIDS. After his funeral, I sat at the Washington Square Diner in New York City with six of his closest friends. I was the youngest, still a student at Sarah Lawrence College.

"We are all we have," one of the men said. "No one else will ever love us as completely and as freely as we love each other."

Robert walks from the guest house, past our open living room windows. Paco barks, startling all of us.

"Hey guys!" Robert calls out, "I'm making a store run. Do you need anything?"

"Milk!" Alex says.

"Ice cream," Matías says.

"Cookies!" I call out.

"I'm taking a lunch break," Layne texts me. "Want to eat sandwiches and go for a walk with me?"

"Absolutely," I respond.

We are trying to figure out this new world — how to be safe, how to take care of each other, how to pay the bills, and put food on the table and make sure that none of us gets sick.

I can't help but think that maybe that connects all of us, regardless of what our families look like.

by Anonymousreply 105/20/2020

I was getting ready to post 3/10 when I saw the link.

by Anonymousreply 205/20/2020

Ick.

by Anonymousreply 305/20/2020

Your life seems tediously precious OP. I’m glad you’re you.

by Anonymousreply 405/20/2020

[quote] Living a queer life is the greatest act of defiance there is," my friend Laurent once told me. This was years ago, back when I was in my early 20s living in New York City

Not any more, it 'aint.

Being gay now means copying straight people.

Gays now want the McMansion, the 2.5 kids, the house in the suburbs, and the pretend "happy marriage."

They think that now that we can be married, we've entered the Promised Land.

It's quite gross.

by Anonymousreply 505/20/2020

Holy Fucking Christ, who decorated that place? What are all those animal heads hanging on the wall. Nobody, even my Southern redneck cousin, does that.

by Anonymousreply 605/20/2020

Eww, eww, eww.

And, eww.

by Anonymousreply 705/20/2020

All ugly, so who cares?

by Anonymousreply 805/20/2020

Six bears in one cave! The stench of farts and cum floating in the air!!!

by Anonymousreply 905/20/2020

Someone needs to tell these tedious asses the meaning of the word "quarantine."

by Anonymousreply 1005/20/2020

Listening to my 22 year old coworker talk about what she's ordering from Chili's tonight was more interesting than that essay.

by Anonymousreply 1105/20/2020

Too many people in one house.

by Anonymousreply 1205/20/2020

They are all ugly

by Anonymousreply 1305/20/2020

This thread will end in tears.

by Anonymousreply 1405/20/2020

Whew chile, the gay ghetto!

by Anonymousreply 1505/20/2020

A 51 year old man should be ashamed of this. Not writing about it for the entire internet to see. Disgusting. Bet one of them is a tranny.

by Anonymousreply 1605/20/2020

How exhausting.

by Anonymousreply 1705/20/2020

No one wants to know the details of the sex lives of unattractive men.

by Anonymousreply 1805/20/2020

I don’t want to hear about the lives of ugly people

by Anonymousreply 1905/20/2020

Why are bears always the most precious, dainty, and nauseating of the LGBTQ tribe?

by Anonymousreply 2005/20/2020

This feels more like it belongs in Frisco, not Hollwood.

by Anonymousreply 2105/20/2020

This will end in murder/suicide.

by Anonymousreply 2205/20/2020

I don’t believe these people aren’t truly happy. Definitely desperate though.

by Anonymousreply 2305/20/2020

Ugly people lives.

by Anonymousreply 2405/20/2020

TL;DR but a skim tells me they are rationalizing and not so bright. Short-term rentals are available. Get one. Let 14 days go by, move in, and leave your ex and your ex's others and get over it. This is not a chosen family. It's unresolved issues masking as "so progressive." I need vomit emojis so bad right now.

by Anonymousreply 2505/20/2020

That dog in the yard better be careful or its head will end up on the wall.

by Anonymousreply 2605/20/2020

Stay pressed, hunties!

by Anonymousreply 2705/20/2020

They seem more like lesbians to me

by Anonymousreply 2805/20/2020

One relationship is enough work, this is truly exhausting just reading about it. I guess they never go the memo that a relationship is supposed to be something you enjoy being in not a pack of chubby bears who are afraid they will never find anyone else to be with.

by Anonymousreply 2905/20/2020

Ouch, R18!

Double ouch, R19!

Triple ouch, R20!

You people are so mean. Just leave these guys alone.

If they were six hot young guys, you assholes would be slobbering all over them, and saying how you would love to movie in.

by Anonymousreply 3005/20/2020

R30

Ha!

Welcome newbie!

by Anonymousreply 3105/20/2020

“Living a queer life” is where I turned against them.

by Anonymousreply 3205/20/2020

Two paragraphs in I just wanted to cut a bitch.

by Anonymousreply 3305/20/2020

This will end in tears, stomping, and slammed bedroom doors! Anything to make quarantining more dramatic!!!

by Anonymousreply 3405/20/2020

One of you dirty LA whores has slept with at least one of them. Fess up.

by Anonymousreply 3505/20/2020

R30, if these ugly men didn’t want attention, they’d have kept the details of their relationships private. But, they want to be in the spotlight and the light shows that they’re unattractive. One can’t have the attention without the scrutiny.

by Anonymousreply 3605/20/2020

I’m still struggling with the name “Layne” to process the rest.

by Anonymousreply 3705/20/2020

Puke. All uglies.

by Anonymousreply 3805/20/2020

Uhm...What. The. Actual. Fuck?

by Anonymousreply 3905/20/2020

I like the "Gay Porn" version of this!!! It's called "Queerantined!" Its guys with copious amounts of Covid getting sprayed all over their faces and chests! So hot!!!!

by Anonymousreply 4005/20/2020

At first I thought OP was the 'my next door neighbour's son Joel' troll who'd moved on to another scenario

by Anonymousreply 4105/20/2020

So desperate for attention.

by Anonymousreply 4205/20/2020

These bears are living the golden girls life.

by Anonymousreply 4305/20/2020

These stupid queens watched one too man episodes of Where The Bears Are and now think they are somehow hot or desirable.

Reality Check - No you are not.

That was a campy self made series of a bunch of old fat guys who couldn't get work in Hollywood. That did not turn normal gays into bear chasers or suddenly make bears popular outside of the bear culture.

by Anonymousreply 4405/20/2020

“We will make coffee, eggs, and bacon...”

And it shows.

by Anonymousreply 4505/20/2020

Where is Noodles N Beef? Wouldn't be surprised if he is one of their friends at their next bear bash.

by Anonymousreply 4605/20/2020

You just know when you get over their fugly appearance, the surprise is when they open their mouths and their purses drop out.

by Anonymousreply 4705/20/2020

Someone just needs to stay in his Layne.

by Anonymousreply 4805/20/2020

OP lost me at “record player“

by Anonymousreply 4905/20/2020

I can’t watch that Where the Bears Are show - annoying. I’ve met a couple of the guys who are/have been in it and they think they’re REAL cool. Of course, their attempted careers have unraveled and now do Onlyfans and other desperate things.

by Anonymousreply 5005/20/2020

I find them all completely repulsive.

And their orgies must look like that scene in "Hannibal" with the attack of the huge, ferocious pigs.

by Anonymousreply 5105/20/2020

Getting up at 7:45 sounds so lazy. Yet so much effort is put into a life that revolves around sex and eating. Interesting.

by Anonymousreply 5205/20/2020

They are all fat sluts

by Anonymousreply 5305/20/2020

This is why they hate us. Can the gays get any more tiresome than these idiots?

by Anonymousreply 5405/20/2020

I think the term "writer" is being used quite recklessly here. That was terrible.

by Anonymousreply 5505/20/2020

Den hibernation, I see.

by Anonymousreply 5605/20/2020

No one seems to have a job. Do bears and cubs get a welfare check every month?

by Anonymousreply 5705/20/2020

EXHAUSTING

by Anonymousreply 5805/20/2020

This makes us look old fashioned with just the 3 of us living together

by Anonymousreply 5905/20/2020

Living an openly gay life stopped being radical decades ago. You could play pretentious queer bingo with that navel gazing screed. Vinyl? Check. Open relationships? Check. Fluidity? Check, and etc. This is what Dr Jake will sound like when he old & fat.

by Anonymousreply 6005/20/2020

I'm sure they were a pack of Messy Bessies long before quarantine. Polys always are. Always.

by Anonymousreply 6105/20/2020

These people are exhausting. When I read stuff like this, I thank my lucky stars that I live alone.

by Anonymousreply 6205/20/2020

[quote] This will end in tears, stomping, and slammed bedroom doors!

Rofl!

Between this and the purses falling out of their mouths, I would definitely watch that sitcom!

They need to live-stream a reality show. STAT!

by Anonymousreply 6305/20/2020

I hate to read a lame writer's life story. It's not anywhere near as interesting as he thinks it is.

by Anonymousreply 6405/20/2020

Nashty.

by Anonymousreply 6505/20/2020

None of them look like they were named "Layne" at birth.

by Anonymousreply 6605/20/2020

OP you need to get dragged on social media for posting this travesty of a shitfest story.

by Anonymousreply 6705/20/2020

You guys are being way harsh.

If you can just get past the ick factor of their "lifestyle," you would see that they're all fairly attractive.

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by Anonymousreply 6805/20/2020

Personally, I like the guy on the far right of the photo.

He's definitely my type.

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by Anonymousreply 6905/20/2020

Gay sluts. How radical.

by Anonymousreply 7005/20/2020

How is it a quarantine when multiple ppl from households across town play house at one spot where meals must be served and holes easily provided to pretend it's OK?

This author just did L.A. County COVID tracers a favor.

by Anonymousreply 7105/20/2020

When do any of them WORK?

In between leisurely breakfasts, morning outings, trips to the store for cookies and ice cream, afternoon yoga, front yard workouts and preparing dinner - there’s barely time to answer an email.

by Anonymousreply 7205/21/2020

He's a WRITER, FFS. He lives his numerous passions which he subsumes into this unimpeacheably self involved life with multiple hangers on, some of whom have domiciles in town, but somehow can't find themselves there.

by Anonymousreply 7305/21/2020

[quote] When do any of them WORK?

Maybe they're all retired.

by Anonymousreply 7405/21/2020

I am sure a lot of couples reconsider, or deeply regret, their relationship status while being stuck with each other in quarantine.

by Anonymousreply 7505/21/2020

[quote] If you can just get past the ick factor of their "lifestyle," you would see that they're all fairly attractive.

The ick factor is not their lifestyle, the ick factor is how there look! Open relationships in gay world has been around for decades, its nothing new, stop trying to pretend that is the issue here.

by Anonymousreply 7605/21/2020

[quote] This is my family during the coronavirus pandemic: Five gay men, two cats, and a dog.

Call me uptight, but I am a bit uncomfortable to call people you have sex with your family. Part of a commune, open relationship, roommates or friends with benefits that's fine for me. But family has this whole blood relative attachment to it. *shudder*

Relationships are never easy and in a crisis like the one we are living in now it tests those bonds we have for sure. And we all have our own cross to bear and just so happen to discuss the story OP shared.

[quote] I've learned that non-traditional relationships require a lot of communication. Sometimes I feel like all we do is talk — even more so than when I have been in more traditional monogamous partnerships.

So very true.

by Anonymousreply 7705/21/2020

[quote] This is my family during the coronavirus pandemic: Five gay men, two cats, and a dog.

Call me uptight, but I am a bit uncomfortable to call people you have sex with your family. Part of a commune, open relationship, roommates or friends with benefits that's fine for me. But family has this whole blood relative attachment to it. *shudder*

Relationships are never easy and in a crisis like the one we are living in now it tests those bonds we have for sure. And we all have our own cross to bear and just so happen to discuss the story OP shared.

[quote] I've learned that non-traditional relationships require a lot of communication. Sometimes I feel like all we do is talk — even more so than when I have been in more traditional monogamous partnerships.

So very true.

by Anonymousreply 7805/21/2020

Fuck. So sorry for signed poster add. That wasn't intended for this particular post. Obviously.

by Anonymousreply 7905/21/2020

[quote]Call me uptight, but I am a bit uncomfortable to call people you have sex with your family.

No, we'll just call you clueless instead.

by Anonymousreply 8005/21/2020

The ick factor is thinking that this is somehow radical, their "talk [a lot] about 'chosen family'" and their "let me tell you all about our open relationship" open relationship. What's to get, really?

It's like meeting the weird old straight couple in an antique shop or at the table next to you at a cafe. The ones who mention way too quickly that they are nudists. "We like to be nude!" "We go to nudist camps and beaches and parties" "We even know some real 'swingers!'"

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of goes with the territory of being nudists, no? Still haven't shocked me, just made me feel a little queasy because now I'm trying not to picture you naked. I get it, you're nudists, Ive known others like you and others different, all of them nudists. So now that that's been discussed, let's move on. We've exhausted it. My parents knew nudists and they were really old.

by Anonymousreply 8105/21/2020

I wish it were possible to set this thread on fire.

by Anonymousreply 8205/21/2020

Golden Girls 2020!!!!

by Anonymousreply 8305/21/2020

Polys are exhausting. Not just the gays in poly relationships but the straights too. I'm a nerd who spent a lot of time in the science fiction fandom and I never once met a poly relationship of any combination of gay, hetero or bi that wasn't exhausting, awful, stupid, and usually an excuse to bring one or two women in to do all the housework and get none of the good dick.

by Anonymousreply 8405/21/2020

This thread is a hoot! After that tedious, exhausting essay, I love that DL finds the most objectionable characteristic of this bunch is that they're fat

by Anonymousreply 8505/21/2020

R26, or that dog will end up fucked by one of those whores in the house.

by Anonymousreply 8605/21/2020

[quote]I love that DL finds the most objectionable characteristic of this bunch is that they're fat

That's only because there's no mention of tattoos.

by Anonymousreply 8705/21/2020

2010 called and wants the taxidermy and record player back.

by Anonymousreply 8805/21/2020

Of course, one of the first ingredients is “HIV positive” and “sex positive”, because sex is the center of his life. By the way, have you ever heard someone who is not poz say they’re sex positive?

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by Anonymousreply 8905/21/2020

More writing.

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by Anonymousreply 9005/21/2020

R3 nailed it.

Also - they're ALL fat.

by Anonymousreply 9105/21/2020

Just doing some research, was his bf called Clay, but is now Layne?

by Anonymousreply 9205/21/2020

Oh the smugness.

by Anonymousreply 9305/21/2020

I will never understand why people feel the need to write these sorts of pieces.

The confessions therein are often things you would tell your closest friend after a few drinks--maybe.

They also seem like such a violation of the privacy of the other people in the story--are they comfortable with the world at large and their close friends and family members in particular knowing so many intimate details about their relationships?

by Anonymousreply 9405/21/2020

Layne, as in Layne Bryant?

by Anonymousreply 9505/21/2020

I love how living a cliche life is considered radical. And, as mentioned above, you know that they talk about their unconventional household ALL. THE. TIME. with others.

Seems like there's some financial reason for this that they don't want to discuss because it pops the balloon of being so 'radical' and unconventional.

He can't afford the house without his ex-partner's income. The house has fucking bars over all the windows - it's not a great area.

A lot of people who can't afford to live alone (or who don't want to downgrade their lifestyle) are in these 'radical' open relationships. Just fess up - you're an adult who can't live on his own without roommates to pay the bills.

by Anonymousreply 9605/21/2020

Gross in every way.

by Anonymousreply 9705/21/2020

I hope you don’t experience a toilet paper shortage.

by Anonymousreply 9805/21/2020

I just went through this guy's website of articles he's written. He's been a non-conformist pro-queer activist since the 80s and a vocal warrior for equal rights for gays. I think a big part of that is the sexual liberation of the gay community in the 80's. Being very confrontational with gay sexuality in a hetero-normative world. The whole "WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! GET USED TO IT!" He is a sex addict and heroin addict (recovered) who has live a WILD life of sex clubs and hook ups and orgies and circuit parties, etc, etc. when he's an old man, he will not look back on his life with regret in any way, that's for sure! He's done it all! I'm actually jealous, because he made me realize I've barely lived life. His polyamory is the most vanilla thing about him!

by Anonymousreply 9905/21/2020

I feel sad for you if you’re jealous of this grotesque blob.

by Anonymousreply 10005/21/2020

I'm jealous of his passion for life.

by Anonymousreply 10105/21/2020

Well - his 'passion for life' may just have been in response to being HIV positive. Who knows when he contracted it, but many people who had it in the 80's and 90's went into full on debauchery. Then the better drugs came out and they were left with - well, now what?

Many of us have done drugs and had fun. You can live a full life without being a heroin addict, sex addict, or spent innumerable hours in sex clubs.

Some of us have traveled, are reaping the benefits of a good career, and can afford to live without several roommates. And we don't live in dumpy rental houses in Hollywood with bars on the windows.

I'll take my version of 'living' over his.

by Anonymousreply 10205/21/2020

Agreed R102!

by Anonymousreply 10305/21/2020

As I was driving through West Hollywood yesterday, I was wondering about people like this who call themselves “unconventional” and “activists”. They live in houses with very typical things that make them alternative, the taxidermy, vintage furniture, record player, etc. Queens in WeHo wear designer clothing made by corporations, but still feel they’re outside of normal society.

Aren’t all these people just trying to fit into a group? This guy has all the things that bears would have, and dresses the way bears are expected and hangs out with people who do the same. Not sure what’s unconventional or different about any of this.

Sorry for the rambling, but one last thing. My husband has seen this guy at the gym, says he has a weird body. Short, top heavy like a midget.

by Anonymousreply 10405/21/2020

These boys need to state their boundaries! And they also need a good strong U-Haul.

by Anonymousreply 10505/21/2020

The thing about people who have open relationships that really bothers me is that whenever I meet them, very often they seem to judge me as being rather prudish and old-fashioned because monogamy is important to me. Like I'm sexually repressed or something.

by Anonymousreply 10605/21/2020

In their view, you are repressed R106. In my view you're not. None of that matters anyway....it's what works for you that you should stick with.

by Anonymousreply 10705/21/2020

R99 = Layne

What's going on at the bear cave this Memorial Day weekend?

by Anonymousreply 10805/21/2020

Gay men aren't human as much as they're aggressively (self-) marketed products.

Vile.

by Anonymousreply 10905/21/2020

I prefer my so-called conventional life, with my (monogamous) husband of 13 years, our house, our dog, and our two cats.

No roommates, no FWB's, no hangers-on. No drama, no disease.

And privacy.

by Anonymousreply 11005/22/2020

[R110] Sounds like you have interests, rather than addictions, and aren’t wandering around the world, seeking attention.

by Anonymousreply 11105/22/2020

If you are 51, then you were raised with full knowledge of HIV and heroin. He contracted HIV and decided to do heroin.

His profile says 'no judgment' - which is what people who have had a life of bad choices always say.

He's no hero or even someone to look up to. He believes in tarot cards, 'magick', and writes books about warlocks.

I hate that this is any representation of the gay community. All of the worst people in the gay community seem to be attention whores and give the rest of us a bad name.

by Anonymousreply 11205/23/2020

These silly attention whores are in no way indicative of gay men of any age. And the younger gay men who act like this usually get a few knocks along the way (HIV, a drug or alcohol habit), and while they might not get smarter, they get a little wiser about their behavior.

by Anonymousreply 11305/23/2020

These fatsos MUST be Radical Faeries. The biggest, smelliest bunch of losers on EARTH!

But, never fear, ONE of them is bound to regale you with the fact he makes AMAZING hummus!

by Anonymousreply 114Last Tuesday at 9:24 PM
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