Have you ever been in a relationship? A survey

Oh honey, being in a relationship with you would be better than being single. I’m blind and deaf, so I need someone to hem my caftans and change the cat litter. How much money ya got?

4 for me. Starting freshman year in college.

First was beautiful but cray. Second was beautiful and European, and moved back. Third was beautiful and died. Still with the 4th, the love of my life. He's beautiful still.

People falling in love kind of fascinate me. It seems nice, just not for me. Good for you, R2.

2 relationships.

First one lasted two years but we both lived in different countries. I didn’t want to move and neither did he.

Second, 12 years. Married, mortgage etc. He became aggressive so I left.

I’ve been single now for 3 years, I had a short fling with a guy and slept with him twice.

Nothing else has been going on since, it sounds idealistic maybe but now I’m simply waiting for the one. I know very well what I do and don’t want in w relationship.

Two. First one was a bit under a year; I cheated, he broke it off. The second is my husband, we've been together for 18 years now. We're open, I have an extramarital lover (12+ years). I also have some good friends whom I have sex with from time to time, so these are relationships in a sense, but I consider them friendships first and foremost.

You don't really choose to fall in love. When it happens, it's like a rocket taking off. If the other person feels the same way, it can be magical. If your feelings aren't returned, then you have to ride it out and hide your feelings until they fade.

Related question: How many times have you been "in love"? Not just sexually attracted to someone. But "in love", to the point that when you got within a couple of feet of the person, you thought you might not be able to breathe. When you spent all day thinking about the person. (It doesn't matter if you were in a relationship or not.)

The last time I felt that way, I was 20. I don't even know if my body still produces the hormones that causes that feeling.

His name was George Glass and he was the dreamiest.

[quote]You don't really choose to fall in love.

This. That's why love is a god, and Cupid is blind.

6-7 relationships. Up to 3 years. But the last one was love - with all the oxytocin fireworks, etc. 20 years together now - though not a direct line. Those oxytocin fireworks are passion and temporary - not necessarily a basis for long term relationship.

I think the need for a relationship is a death knell for a relationship.

What spectrum are you on, OP?

[quote]I'm almost 40 and have never been in a relationship (I've had sex...like, serious slut levels of sex).

That’s probably why you’ve never been in a relationship - because you’re a slut and nobody wants a slut.

One relationship. Very dysfunctional and toxic. Dated a few people after that. But thank God I am single now.

I don't understand guys who can't stand to be alone and have to be in a relationship. What's with the co-dependency?

R10 - not on the spectrum, just have a lot of issues. R11 - you are probably like. But I'll die knowing I've eaten at the buffet of good dick!

Five serious relationships. The first lasted about two years. I was very young, early twenties, and had maybe unreasonable expectations. He was nice, funny, and literally chased the pants off me. Then once he got me, he was "too busy" to actually nurture the relationship. The affair died of starvation eventually. I'm surprised it lived for almost two years. By the end, I was bitter and depressed. But then...

...Along came my knight in shining armor to rescue me. We were introduced by a friend. This guy was much older than I was, and sometimes I felt like a trophy, but he was good to me. I moved in with him, and we were together five years, until he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Diagnosed the middle of March, dead on April 18. My father had died 5 months before. Talk about feeling like the angel of death....He left me everything he had, his house his money, bank accounts, investments.

A few years later I met one of the most handsome guys I've ever seen. Absolutely gorgeous, oozing charm, the attraction was electric. After a couple of years, he became too busy to nurture the relationship. Wait, where did I hear that before? Oh, yes, in relationship number one. Second verse the same as the first. The relationship died, bitterly. He has a prestigious job today, and I wish him well.

After a brief stint at being single, I got involved with a nice, smart guy who was a computer genius. To make a long story short, he was killed in a motorcycle accent, and that was the end of that.

Met my present partner in a drugstore, and literally followed him home, like a dog. I was stunned by the instant attraction. We've been together six years. He's smart, funny, kind, has a great sense of humor, loves animals, a fellow hiking enthusiast, a voracious reader and a great conversationalist. He's always calm, cool and collected. He's a quick thinker, and always knows the solution to every problem. He keeps me sane and grounded. He never gets upset. He's good-looking, with bright blue eyes, gorgeous cheekbones, and dark curly hair. He's 36, and actually looks younger. (When he was 26, he was still being carded.) He's a fantastic cook, and I am not. If I had ordered him out of a catalog, I couldn't have found a better match.

Slutty and short term relationships (3-6 months) 16-30. Coupled 30 to 42 - bad breakup. Then back to slutty 40 to late 50's (my glory years as a top daddy) Then a three year relationship. Now--don't really care anymore or at least it seems like too much trouble

I've never been in a relationship. I just prefer to abuse random guys.

Two serious total, with some “affairettes” in between the two. The first started way too fast. Within a week of meeting, we were effectively living together. Bought a house together after six months. It should have ended after the first year. He didn’t want sex, so I started to fool around. Broke it off after 10 years, messy breakup. In retrospect I was too young. Happily single for seven years with the flings (affairettes) of from 6 - 12 months. I had lots of long distance relationships; I really did enjoy being single and tricking around. The long distance relationships were intense when we were together, but there was a known end to the time together, which suited me. I have many good friendships from this time of my life which I still maintain. After moving to NYC I met my husband, we’ve been together 24 years and doing well. I found starting a relationship in my mid 40s, with someone the same age worked. We both got our running around out of our systems, were very happy being single, but work out very well as a couple.

You find this in the gay male world and no where else. Even the most promiscuous lesbians and heterosexuals I know have been married or had LTRs

Came out late (34). Went through a "slut phase" (about three years later). Fun but it was like something I wanted to check off my bucket list. a few years later, met a guy, settled down for ten years, but we got bored with each other. Years later, he's still my best friend. I miss having someone to report to, as in 1) we share what went on during our day 2) I had a reason to make the bed or put the dishes in the dishwasher before going to sleep. Otherwise, I like being independent.

Met my one and only partner at 22. He was 29. It was just as I was graduating college and getting my first real job. I had only slept with guys before him, never dated. I convinced myself I was bi through college (haha). Dated girls but was hooking up with guys on AOL since I was in my early teens. He took me to my first gay club, introduced me to my first gay friends. I don't think I had any idea what I was getting into. Six months later he blurted out he loved me, and I returned the sentiment. Almost 18 years later, here we are. No longer young and going out to bars every weekend, but still having a great time enjoying life together. Life has changed, and we've changed and grown around it. It hasn't always easy, but we've never been happier.

Three major relationships in my life, all monogamous, except the first one which was monogamous only on my end.

First one lasted eight years during my 20s, a professional partnership (both classical musicians) as well as in life. We met at the university where I was teaching and he was a student (not my student). He derailed it when we got our first home computer and Internet connection and he became addicted to extreme S&M porn. I wasn't into that, and he wound up cheating on me to get it in person. I left him immediately and was single for a couple of years while burying myself in work. Meanwhile, he had some sort of meltdown; I'd heard that he did some really stupid and dangerous things in the throes of his bizarre addictions. He lost everything he'd ever had and worked for, and his life went completely and permanently into the crapper.

Second one was also a musician (and comedian), a celebrity in his field. Living 3.5 years with a malignant narcissist whose ideal relationship is 80/20 is not so fun, as it turns out. A musical genius and entertainer but an abusive and controlling pig at home. Left him with a lawsuit and moved out of state to end his stalking me.

I'm 47 now. Final one is now going on 12 years, though I knew him as a good platonic friend for nearly three years before we got together. We're married, and we have a professional partnership as well (founded a successful business together after we met). He is truly beautiful inside and out. Though I met him in the USA, I emigrated from the USA to be with him permanently in his home country, which has been one of the best decisions I ever made. He is the proverbial needle in the haystack, everything I could have ever wanted in a man, except that he goes to bed early and doesn't like that I'm a night owl who reads in bed. But he loves me, and he makes sure every day and night to show it. Sex with him is volcanic, even 11+ years later.

Good, stable relationships take a lot of work and compromise, and that's not for everybody. I think it's much better to be single (permanently, if necessary) than with a guy you don't feel is the right match for you, for whatever reason. A lot of things between two people who love each other should be automatic (respect, pace of life/routines, leisure activities, sexual positions/needs, etc.), and not forced into place. You should be able to feel safe with him at all times and to be vulnerable. But enough other aspects (interests, experiences, conversation topics, etc.) should be contrasting between two people in order to keep things from going stale.

Mutual support, not taking the other person for granted, adaptability and acceptance of inevitable change are all crucial. Not holding in grievances or grudges. And always having a sense of humor.

First one turned out to be a Summer fling, although I didn't know it until I got dumped. Oy!

Second was the love of my life, 42 years together, he died almost 3 years ago. Miss the love, contentment, happiness, comfort and the nurturing we had. Best guy on the planet, I am one lucky bastard.

Another relationship? Doubt it very much. Why settle for 2nd best?

Wow, bronze, 42 years...that's amazing.

r23 Amazing, and amazingly satisfying. I could wish you a relationship that was 25% as good as the one I had, and you'd be over the moon with delight. THAT'S how good it was.

Had a four-year relationship during the last two years of high school and the first two year of college. After we turned 21 I wanted to go out and party and he preferred to stay home. After all these years we're still friends.

The second lasted over 11 years and I got my payback because he wanted to go out and I wanted to stay home. And we're still friends, though because we had a house together it was a bit dicey during the process.

My third relationship started out well, with great sex, but he began to drink at home and started to pick fights after getting drunk. I eventually, after a year, had to call the police because he was becoming abusive. We're no longer friends.

I then had very short-term relationships and a couple that were long distance for the past 10 years. Met a guy recently and we're getting along very well, but now that I'm in my 60's I'm wondering if I want to even have any kind of relationship, but we'll see how this one works out.

Tch. That’s nothing, OP, kids’ table shit. I’m basically a 30-year-old virgin. Have never kissed, held hands, shared a bed, nada. Totally chaste, like a unicorn. It’s my gimmick now. I tell people it’s a spiritual oath of celibacy just to see how they react (this is a hilarious and revealing experiment).

I have been ‘in love’ before a few times, but every time it was unreciprocated by the object who in all but one case was in some way inappropriate (I.e. too old for underage me, already married w/kids, a person in authority/with duty of care, an older relative, my literal bully). I see infatuation as an annoying longlasting bug, nothing more. I’ve tried casual-dating and going out with friends just to try it and give it a chance, but it leaves me cold and ends up awkward without fail so now I just don’t bother.

Honestly though I stay out of intimate relationships for the good of all. I’d probably end up strangling anyone I lived with - I tend to get set off by little annoying things, and I need my space and privacy and quiet like I need oxygen. Can’t have people fucking with my stuff or demanding things of me. I also very easily tire of people and don’t have much energy left to give, after everyday life with depression and investing in my interests to cope along the way. I have enough trouble making and keeping a friend and a dog whole hanging on to tenuous underemployment, let alone anything more. These people out here married to people they love and making families absolutely confound me, I don’t get how or why they’re possibly doing it.

It’s probably a spectrum thing combined with years of AvPd since childhood, and I’m told at this point there’s likely not a lot that can be done without lifelong expensive and extreme therapy, so I figure I might as well accept it as it is and make it fun for myself.

Two for me-the first when I was 22 lasted 16 months. The second, when I was 29, last 16 years. Now, though still an incurable romantic, I'm too aware of my own limitations and luckily enjoy my own company. It would be lovely if a relationship just sort of happened but at almost 57 and no Gay friends to speak of, the chances are pretty slim.

First relationship lasted 4 years. I was just beginning to come out, and knew I wanted a LTR. So I placed rented a PO box and placed an ad in the gay paper. Yes, this was in the 1980s and way before the internet. That relationship ended with a bang; he came home one day and announced that we were over. We were not really a good match and should have never lived together. I was so new to dating when we met and he was hot, so I settled and gave into his wishes/priorities. Huge mistake, and I ended up putting my own life on the back burner. I thought that supporting a relationship would make me happy.

I was then single for a few years and dated a lot more. In that time I discovered what I liked and wanted, how to communicate romantically and emotionally, and how to assert myself as part of a couple. Therapy helped too. I grew up a lot in those years in the early 90s and kissed a helluva lot of frogs. AOL dialup replaced newspaper personals ads at this time and I had a lot of coffee dates (living a block away from Starbucks had its benefits). I met someone on of those coffee dates, had dinner two nights later, and we moved in together several months afterwards. This summer we will celebrate 25 years since that fateful coffee date. We complement each other well, enjoy many of the same things and tolerate/celebrate our differences. We've never gone to bed mad at the other and truly enjoy spending time together. Our families get along surprisingly well, and our mothers have vacationed together. We both feel very fortunate to have found each other at that time in our lives.

Lots of great stories on this thread. I am amazed by those with decades long relationships. Pretty incredible.

[quote] You don't really choose to fall in love. When it happens, it's like a rocket taking off. If the other person feels the same way, it can be magical. If your feelings aren't returned, then you have to ride it out and hide your feelings until they fade.

But you can direct your attention to people who would be better partners for you, in the long run. In retrospect, I wish I had spent less time with men who were exciting but heartbreaking, over and over.

I wish I had paid more attention to men who might have been "exciting enough" and just better human beings in general.

I have been both single and married twice, each time for more than 10 years. I prefer being single, and have been for 26 years. I think it depends on your temperament, intelligence level, and outside interests such as participant sports, art, following specific sports, theater and hobbies. Also whether or not you like to be alone, which I do. I am social and like people, but having the same person with me all the time isn't appealing. I find reading a good book WAY more interesting than listening to some people gab on and on.

Some lovely stories. Thanks for sharing. Though my last relationship ended really badly (he stole $6,000 from me and gave it to the ex he was going back to) and we were totally mismatched falling so deeply in love was amazing and the sex was the best right till the very end so I don’t regret it.

OP I hope you fall in love and are loved back. It’s wonderful with the right person.

Well honey, a long term relationship for me was if the let me spend the night. And if they cooked breakfast for me, then we were officially MARRIED!!!

No relationships. When you're closeted until you're in your 30's you just don't learn how to be in a relationship. You learn how to sneak around and get laid, but not how to have feelings.

1 relationship - 37 years. I'm 59 and he's 69. Met him one year out of college. Been with him ever since. Good times and bad times. Will love him til the day I die.

R17 here. Great responses. They support the old adage “You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince”.

[quote]But "in love", to the point that when you got within a couple of feet of the person, you thought you might not be able to breathe.

The French call it 'amour fou', crazy love. I think it's the most powerful emotion you can have -- or at least that I've had. It can take you to Heaven or to Hell. Usually both. My experience is that 'amour fou' ends in Hell, but it's worth it, anyway, just to have had that experience.

I stopped reading this thread after reading [R14]'s post. It's fascinating.

Never been in a relationship. Never wanted to be in one. Can't imagine what it would be like having someone in my space even some of the time. Way too invasive/intrusive.

Just one, 35 years this Summer. I was 23 when we met and I had dated a few guys, but really nothing serious.

I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years and I think if this as my first relationship and I’m 64 years old. I had my first same sex relationship after college. I wanted my parents to pay for college and thought they would disown me if I came out to them earlier. I moved to SF in 1981 at the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic and was very careful with my partners. I had boyfriends for a few weeks to a few months and the relationships would end naturally with no drama. My longest boyfriend was for a year and lasted that long because he had all of the energy for the relationship. During this time friends would counsel me to settle down with someone and thus advice come from friends who wanted to be with me. I moved back home at the age of 38 and within a year met my lover. We saw something in each other that resulted in a live and life match. He’s everything to me. I lived

I’m 37 and have never been in a relationship because I live in a smaller size town and it’s hard to meet other gays. So I’ll probably never be in one unfortunately.

R42 - Where abouts? (you can stay state to give anonymity). why not move?

2 years ( I was too young), 2years(older man, crazily possessive, drove me away), 5 years(cheated on me, broke my heart), 3years(he was screwed up by feelings for his ex), current relationship 17 years (married). In between I had periods of total abstinence or gold medal whoring .

I’m 49 and I’ve never had a relationship and I doubt that I ever will. I’m game for it if it happens, but I’m not big on the odds.

[quote]Love is a Hallmark construct

That's like a deaf man insisting there is no such thing as music.

I'm 40 and have had 3 long term relationships--one of which was with a woman when I was closeted. In retrospect, it was my best relationship

We celebrated 25 years a few months ago.

I’ll soon be 60 and no. I barely have any friends either. In my personal life I am an introvert and am used to a life of solitude and quiet at this point. Like r26 I would have needed extreme and long years of therapy to change my basic drives and personality to make room for someone. And at this point, I’d rather just pay to get laid a few times a year.

OP, you're bold for posting this (especially on here). I'm 32 and I've been in one short-lived relationship. Do I feel bad about it? Sometimes. But then, I see that most of the gay people in Chicago seem to think having an "open" relationship is a requirement and monogamy is non-existent. What's the point of being in a relationship if its only a status symbol?

3 relationships. First ended after 2 years because he realized he really wasn’t gay. Second ended after 8 months because he said my hole had become too loose. (True, not a DL joke) The third and best ended after 12 years because he died.

[quote]Second ended after 8 months because he said my hole had become too loose.

WTAF? Did you suddenly get into traffic cones and fisting?!

Are you Steve Grand, r51?

[quote] First [relationship] ended after 2 years because he realized he really wasn’t gay.

R51, it took him 2 years to realize he wasn't gay? Did he come to the conclusion that he was straight?

Never been in a relationship. I love my immediate family, in the way we all do. However, I have never "loved" someone to the level of relationship. I am considered senior citizen level.

[quote] “affairettes”

Love you r17! That’s too cute. No wonder you’re not single.

Met a gorgeous 46 year old guy who was on holiday in my country when I was 23 and we were involved for a year or two, but it fell apart I guess due to the problems stemming from an age gap that large and the fact that he lived on the other side of the globe. We still talk all the time as friends - he’s amazing and wise and always eager to lend an ear.

I got involved with a 38 year old guy when I was 25 who’d never been in a relationship, and we never quite reached that point together. He’s a very emotionally repressed workaholic who never gave me much love and couldn’t offer me much more than (lacklustre) sex once a week but I still hung on for 3 years. I stopped talking to him at the beginning of this year, and I miss him but having him in my life ultimately brings me more pain than happiness. We haven’t spoken at all but I know he’s heartbroken...

Relationships are tricky for me because I’m only attracted to older guys but I’m a trashbag who’d rather spend the weekend doing drugs with my friends than hanging out with some old queen. But I have a lot of good friends and a constant queue of daddies lining up for my dick so I think I’m already filling a lot of the holes in life that people usually patch up with relationships. I’m sure I’ll have different priorities in my 30s though.

[Quote] No relationships. When you're closeted until you're in your 30's you just don't learn how to be in a relationship. You learn how to sneak around and get laid, but not how to have feelings.

Wow, you totally summarized my life too

....

Reading this thread I feel like many are not willing to sacrifce any freedom, being used to it makes it hard to give up and it's certainly not a must. I just want to say that a real connection is worth it. It is ok to be responsible for someone other than oneself. Love changes us for the better in my experience.

Only one. We hace been together since we were 20 years old, six years now.

3 relationships (2 were/are marriages)

1. 26 years, Partner then married when DOMA fell. He has since died from a heart attack. He was the first man that I ever truly loved and was in love with. It was a wonderful 26 years.

2. Boyfriend. Indian. Turned out closeted and married. All the signs were there I just ignored it, I guess. We were happy when he was over. At least he taught me that I could love again. Sex was mind blowing.

3. Thai man. Married. Wonderful. I feel at home again like my first marriage. He has his own catering business and I have my own business. Both have slowed at bit (due to COVID 19), but not by much. We have a good home life. We don’t really argue. The sex is great. We truly live a domesticated life. Much more than my first husband.

Before I met my first husband, I was a slut. I’m talking top 10% of sluts.

I guess because of the relationships we both have been through in the past, we don’t seem to argue a lot. I guess, now that we’re older, a lot of what younger people will argue about, for us is simply not worth it.

If you want a good relationship, you actually have to work at it. You have to talk before you start a relationship or before it gets really serious. You must discuss your expectations, needs, and wants,

Talk money, businesses you want to start, even sex. Talk about where you want to live and how you want to live. Failure to have open communications before you live together or have that serious relationship. guarantees it will fail.

As odd as it may sound, sex can smooth a lot of things out in a relationship. Have a regularly scheduled sex. It’s not necessarily the most romantic thing, but it keeps your relationship close and intimate because you will go through rough patches. Sex is the glue that binds a relationship. Along with truth, and honesty, and compassion, and some humor.

Relationships and marriages are very similar to transactions / contracts. Understand the expectations and the needs ahead of time and come to agreement. As you discuss these things you will know whether you’re compatible or not for a long term relationship.

Two real relationships years apart, one in my twenties of four years and, the current, in my fifties for six years now. Otherwise four or five "affairettes" as R17 might say, men who arrived to a prospective relationship status but, for various reasons, never got beyond the exploratory phase.

[quote]What was it about the person that made you decide "This person - with all their complexities - is better than being alone"?

The attraction is either compelling or it's not, for me if there's any doubt then it's just idle speculation (which either develops or dies.)

I'm fascinated by men who have a knack or a need always to be in a relationship. It's the opposite of me. I like and prefer being in a relationship, but for me it seems a state of good fortune rather than necessity and better and easier to live without one that just seems to fill a need rather than to generate a new one.

I love this thread.

Such great stories. Thanks for sharing, guys and gals.

I've had four.

First was a big burly dude. Blue collar brute. Loved him from the minute I met him at 17 on a beach. We were together for seven years. Ended because he liked drugs too much.

Second was this sweet South African man. Handsome and fun. But closeted. It was too stressful. Though we are still friends.

Third was a writer who took my breath away. I couldn't get enough him. He told me after our first date, we'd last two years. He was right. We're also still good friends.

Fourth is now. I love the old man.

R62 - how old are you?

R65

Me, 55. I know ancient, almost a fossil.

Met my husband when I was 20 and he was 30. We have been together 26 years and married since 2006.

We met our 3rd almost 3 years ago and have been a closed Triad since.

It seems that gay men aren't able to make a relationship work for the long term like lesbians can.

How many people who have posted stories live in NYC? I've always said NYC is an all you can eat Buffet, meaning your willingness to settle is lowered, lowering the chances of an LTR

I’ve only had one relationship, a 35 year and counting relationship with my husband. You know you have found the “one” when you can’t imagine living a life without them.

Live in NYC. Met at 32 after 10 years in city - together for 21 years. You just have to have a few years to get enjoy it as single. You also learn that monogamy and the traditional concept of marriage is one of many options for a long term relationship. I do feel that I know more people in NYC with unique forms of LTR than elsewhere. Smaller cities and more remote places tend to breed a more traditional “marriage” type setup.

R69, I'm r14. Not in NYC.

R71 - you must be really good looking, have a big dick, be really rich or all three. Average looking guys don't do well in NYC.

R68 don’t believe that checks out everytime, baby.

not a real one, as in exclusive, but I genuinely fell for him. there was an age difference most frown upon but I never had a type so I never cared. I was the younger one and couldn't get my shit together after college. I slept around a lot before him, loved it, and thought I would never find someone. addiction didn't help either. 6 or 7 years. I don't seek them out either because I've been awful with men. I cry at the romantic cheesy shit in music movies and tv, so im open to the idea of a real relationship, but fuck they look like so much work.

Came out at 18-19, have had four relationships, first one was half a monogamous relationship (I was he wasnt). We met when I was 25, he was 21. Lasted 6 years, we bought a house together, which we sold. He was lovely, extremely fem, but had major issues (family, religion), the split was reasonably amicable all considering. I am still friends with him today, see him a few times a year, he is finally getting his life together now which I am happy to see.

I met second partner in my mid 30's, he was ten years older and bi, very slim, but less fem. He'd just come out of a marriage breakup after coming out, and had trouble reconciling his sexuality. He moved in with me the night after we met, but he did go back to his wife for a short while to try to make it work, which it didnt. I let him go on the basis that he needed to get that out of his system.We then got back together shortly afterwards, and I had five or so very happy years with him, before he ended up meeting a crazy Hungarian woman and going to live with her in Switzerland. That did break my heart I have to say, but that didnt last . He moved back here a couple of years later and we are still on good terms today.

I met third partner a couple of years afterwards via online dating. He was tall, slim, and quite fem. He was lovely.... when he was sober, which not often enough. I wasted 6 years with him, and made the mistake of having a civil union with the alcoholic loser. In hindsight I should have kicked him to the curb as soon as he started drinking (which was a few months into the relationship). The split was about as amicable as a drone strike, and about as damaging financially and emotionally. I cut ties with him, although he rings me every few months to tell me he has just stopped drinking. Heard that bullshit so many times, not interested. Am outta fucks to give unless he gets his worthless ass to AA

Less than a year after that split I met my current partner. We have been together over 7 years, and he has been the best of all and I see us being together for ever. He is beautiful, loving, affectionate, gentle, caring, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I moved in with him after a year or so of seeing each other. He is also tall and slim and somewhat fem. I got a type I guess

41 here and have also never been in a relationship. Sometimes I feel bad about it, like I should be working harder to acquire something that seems to come really easily to other guys. But a lot of the time I'm just happy to have the place to myself.

Like OP I've had plenty of sex (and I've got the herpes to prove it) and I've dated guys for a few weeks or a month but I have never met a guy that I wanted to pursue that wanted the same with me. Except for one guy in my early-mid 20s, until he showed me the kiddie porn on his computer. That was the end of that immediately, like a cold shower.

My first "relationship" was with a predator who cultivated and used me for years, and I started with it too young to see it. My family permitted it, even encouraged it. He was much older. It was criminal. That went on one way or another for eight years, until he killed himself. He had begged me to do it.

I had a one-year relationship with a college friend. A mad crush. He was dishonest and conflicted, and I let him go. He married a woman, had a kid, divorced and has been single all his life since.

And I've had a 41-year partnering relationship with an honest, decent, creative man. We don't cling but we haven't found anyone in the world we want to be with instead. I've been very lucky.

I was not looking for a primary relationship ever, and never expected to have one.

R77 it dont always come easy - finding relationships is fucking hard work, to be honest I'd rather pick cotton or dig trenches. I hate the chase, but I crave affection and the male touch, so I knuckle down and get on to it if ever I find myself single. Damn glad to be in a stable relationship now though!

Christ I can see why you kicked the 22 year old kiddiefucker to the curb. I'd of ended that shit with a punch or several I reckon

R77 I really hope you reported the ex.

Why buy the cow when the milk is free??

First boyfriend was a barrel-chested Brazilian hunk. A true sensualist who loved food, arty cinema, fucking and really good wines. I got my PhD in all 4 from him, let me tell you. We were waiters together in NYC (anyone remember Cafe Iguana?) - I was 19, he was 30. It was just a fantastic time - he and all his colorful friends would take me to these crazy underground clubs in Queens where I would be the only white guy. These were in derelict bars and warehouses featuring drag queens and singers who flew up from South America to perform. The crowds were gorgeous. And the dancing was just off the fucking hook. This period in my life was so hot and idyllic I sometimes wonder if it ever happened at all. We broke up because I was an immature dick. Simple as that.

The second was my first true love, also older - 40 to my 23. Though ruggedly handsome, he was a concert pianist turned art dealer. We met at the gym (anyone remember Better Bodies?) and promptly moved in together. His inner-circle were all wealthy art patrons so I went to what seemed like an endless blur of openings, gala events and cocktail parties at some of the fanciest buildings in NYC. We then made the leap to LA when he was hired to help open a blue chip art gallery out there. I pretty much owe my whole life to him. He was very ego supportive and pushed me hard to do the things I said I wanted to do. I really grew up during this stretch and established myself professionally. We broke up because he became very flakey and stopped working which triggered a cascade of events of that pushed us apart. We're still good friends, however.

Then at the age of 31 I met my husband, the guy I've been with for 17 years. I used to stalk him at The Dugout on Sundays (anyone remember the beer blasts?) because he was so fucking sexy. Big, strapping fella with beautiful black hair and a killer smile. I assumed he was a fireman or a cop - but he was (is) a psychotherapist. We fell hard and fast. He's the most soulful, empathetic human being I've ever met, and truly passionate about his work. A strong, good good man - almost from another era. His integrity makes me hard. Ha. Though we are equal partners I secretly worship the ground he walks on. We live in Brooklyn, fight constantly - and can't spend more than a day apart.

I know in recounting all of this, it sounds so perfect. Believe me - it's not. The crazy demented shit I've left out could fill a volume of Proust. But for someone who never dreamt of relationships - and certainly not being married of all things - I'm absolutely one of the luckiest guys around. I've fucked up hard over the years, lost a lot of material gains - but I still have love. Which is everything to me.

R82, a memorable life is a life worth living.

R17 here. Great story R82!

56 years old. Been in a handful of relationships (3-6 months here and there). Finally settled down after being the world’s biggest whore. Been with my husband 15 years. It’s not perfect but I can’t imagine my life without him.

"Been with my husband 15 years. It’s not perfect but I can’t imagine my life without him."

Well, it's perfect for you. Which is the best kind of perfect there is.

Congrats! On living life and being a whore...and on 15 years with your husband.

R68 a third of all marriages ends in divorce. I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with sexuality.

OP,

You have never been in love.

That can change.

If it does not…you will have lived in other ways.

2 relationships. The first one when I was 19, I just came out, it lasted 6 years. Moved to 3 different cities together. Breakup was messy, he initiated it 3 times and on the third I said I was done playing that game and he still wanted to get back together. Found out later he was cheating on me AND mutual friends all knew about it. The first and only man I had been with, I went for an HIV test after we broke up thinking I had never cheated and I came up HIV positive. I was devastated, it was a death sentence back in the day late 80's. He died 2 years later but refused to get tested. I ended up burring him because his family wouldn't lift a finger and I even had to raise money for his burial. I am still traumatized by that and cant speak at funerals after that. They just expected me to do it even though we were not together. His mom was a religious nutjob, father a drunk.

My second relationship started about one year after the breakup. So I kind of had a year of being self hate slutty behavior. Not as fun as it sounds back then. Anyway, we have been together almost 29 years! I never thought I would last that long, figured it would just be a year or two but here we are and I am still alive and well. He took a big risk back then even getting in a relationship with me, people you can imagine told him I was going to dye and so why bother. Now I still see those people at family events and I wonder what they think.

If you’re a devoted bachelor dead set on being single like I was, it’s a series of unusual events that happen (or don’t happen the way you think they should) that cause the relationship to bloom- many of them simply are out of your control.

While dating, I invited my now husband to an innocent Sunday dinner back at my apartment. He called me at noon and I was having brunch with a friend. He got very upset and thought I was on another date. Having spent $40 on a fancy meal I said, “If you don’t show up, I’m feeding your half to the dog”. When I hung up the phone, I decided never to call or talk to him if he didn’t show up that day. Because we had met through mutual friends, I would’ve smiled and been cordial- but having several previous abusive relationships and giving until it hurts, I decided I was worth better and not to engage or keep engaging with people that didn’t want what I wanted. I told him years later I’m glad he showed up!

About a year into the relationship we were moving my friend’s couch up a flight of stairs, and the sleeper frame popped out and hit me square in the mouth, I was bleeding everywhere. My husband freaked out, running down the street to get help. That’s when suddenly I realized he really truly loved me, and that secondly- that I’ve never had that before.

We just celebrated five years married last week.

I've had 2 - one that lasted 3 years but this latest one has outlasted that by a factor of 10.

Two - 13 and 16 years. They both died on me. I don't have the energy to put into creating a new relationship now. It takes a lot of work.

56 this year and nope. No real relationship and never had any interest in one either.

I actually don't get people who have never had a relationship by the age of 40. That goes for woman too. I know I am not supposed to say this but there is something wrong with you. Not even a 6 month fling? The woman I know like this is always on dating sites, events, moved out of the state because "all the men only want blond blue eyed 20 year olds" etc. She's still single. She's a bit cray, cray.

But gay men? The only guy I knew like this also had a screw lose. He is afraid to have sex with another man even though he claims he's not a gay virgin. He stares at guys crotches everywhere we went to a point people notice him doing that. And yet, the one time I talked to a guy who really wanted to date him, he told me after two weeks he wouldn't even let him kiss him.

Who wants what they can have, R94?

Why wait 6 months if you are sick of him after 1 month? I'd rather be happy and alone than annoyed by spending time with some idiot.

[quote] I actually don't get people who have never had a relationship by the age of 40. That goes for woman too. I know I am not supposed to say this but there is something wrong with you. Not even a 6 month fling? The woman I know like this is always on dating sites, events, moved out of the state because "all the men only want blond blue eyed 20 year olds" etc.

Does it make a difference if the unfucked and partnerless person in question doesn’t actively go on dates, doesn’t socialise and doesn’t make broad sweeps about nor take an interest in the sex lives of others?

Odd behaviour, indeed. Even stranger, however, that you would insist on tarring all virgins/loners/bachelors with the same brush.

Speaking as a lifelong single/celibate person, it’s never occurred to me to think I could be insane; unusual and hard-to-understand, perhaps, not crazy or defective or desperate. Though I certainly have felt such stigma. The way I look at it is; if the drive to find a mate isn’t there as a priority, the drive just isn’t there, and it does no good to dig into the whys and wherefores if the single person is content and well as they are. We might all have the same basic circuitry whether straight or gay, but everyone is wired with slight differences as regards exoeriebce and expression of desire - how else could you explain fetish/kink?

The whole partnering shebang seems mad to me, from the outside perspective - and isn’t it so draining and disappointing? I’m nearly 30 and I just don’t see the point in starting now, knowing that not only do I struggle to be around others too long but that half all marriages end in divorce and most couples don’t stay together and abuse/pornsickness/STDs are rife, etc. What is the payoff for someone like me, or the woman above? My intellectual understanding of lust and love and the grey spaces between isn’t lacking (though possibly rather shakily grounded on second-hand information), I recognise and even enjoy flirtation and innuendo and physical signals; I just don’t feel any compulsion to follow-through.

I know I'm not supposed to say this but go fuck yourself, R94.

Some people don't want relationships, some people don't fall in love, some people actually believe it's better to be alone than in bad company.

Good company doesn’t exist R95? To each his own, no judgement

I’ve never been in a relationship because nobody even asks me out. Then again, I live in a boring shithole town and whatever gays are here are probably closeted. I’m also not on any dating apps and I don’t go out much, so I’m as much to blame.

3 real relationships, a dozen "mini" relationships . The first real one was 2 years and I was madly in love and he dumped me and broke my heart. The second real one was 12 years and would have been forever but he died in a car accident. The 3rd real one was 7 years and he died from MS. All the in betweens were anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months . Im 59 now amd since my last husband died in 2011 Ive been alone with zero prospects of a relationship. A few duds here and there,but Im pretty much done with all that. I had a good run and had some wonderful lovers so Im okay with ending it this way.

R99 Good company does exist but that doesn't mean you'll ever come across good company that will be single and interested in you.

I’ve been in two serious relationships and a few fwb off and on things. I honestly prefer someone who’s there some of the time but allows me to still lead an independent life. I don’t want to bring someone home for the holidays or introduce them to everybody in my life. I don’t really want to know this family either. know it sounds dumb but the times I’ve been in relationships I felt like I lost my identity and I began to view myself in a negative light. I remember after my last relationship broke up thinking I felt so “uncool” lol.

None, and absolutely no desire to be in one. I had terrible relationship role models and most people I know in them are miserable.

I have plenty of friends, friends with benefits, and close and extended family. I'm not alone and I'm not unhappy.

The only thing that makes me unhappy are the friends, friends with benefits, and close and extended family who try to tell me how much happier I'd be if I wasn't alone. FUCK OFF--don't try to make me join your misery.

2 long term (about 20 years) one broken up by substance abuse the other mental illness (from my point of view- I could not remain with someone who would not get needed help). Both had hood times.

However it’s probably 2 or three torrid affairs that tore me up- broke my heart- most significantly- not the long termers! That said at this stage I would love one more go- I’m better at it and find it’s for the most part a better way to live- but not necessary for a good life.

This is a great thread! Thanks to everyone for their stories.

Yes for me. I've had two main relationships. I don't consider dating 3-6 months a relationship, so I'll leave those out. My first partner I met just before I graduated from college. I was 23 (had taken a year off), he was 41. I thought he was about 34 or 35 when I met him. I always liked older men, so the age difference never meant much to me. It was what the French call the coup de foudre. I met him at a local gay bar and was thunderstruck, as was he. Physically, he was just about my perfect type. He was tall, dark, and hairy all over, plus he had a mustache. Looking back, that relationship was never easy. I was young and learning the ropes, and he was older but an emotional mess. We were supposed to be monogamous. He cheated about 7 years in, I forgave him, we went to couples therapy and I thought the relationship came out stronger. Nope, he cheated again. It never recovered from that. After that, I started playing around, too.

I finally ended it after 2 1/2 years of breaking up and getting back together. We had been together 13 years. We still were around each other far too long even after that. We'd have occasional booty calls. I finally stopped that, I met someone, then he met someone. I slowly reduced the contact with him. I think he finally got the message and he faded away. He told me once he thought we would end up back together. I had moved on from that and just enjoyed the occasional sex with someone to whom I was very attracted and cared about, a rare combo in a booty call. When I realized he thought we'd someday be a couple again, I cut the ties.

I met my current partner when he was in town for a conference. We had dinner and we both didn't want the evening to end. We lived about a 4-hour drive away from each other. We decided to match up our schedules and have a second date, which was 2 weeks later. I couldn't stop thinking about him during that time. When we had our second date, it was so much fun. We had sex for the first time. After that, we saw each other every weekend. I remember how I couldn't wait for the drive to be over so we could be together, even if just for the weekend. After about a year, we finally wound up in the same city. It's been 7+ years now and we couldn't be happier. During this pandemic, we are around each other all the time and don't get on each other's nerves. It just reminded us how we genuinely like each other as people as well as being romantic partners.

Two. The first one was with a hot pocket gay for two years. Unfortunately, he was having hot sex with what seemed like most of a medium sized city while I was only having hot sex with him. That killed the relationship and five or six years later, him.

The second is my husband (met three days after I broke up with number one) and it'll be forty years next month. Good timing and even better luck. We survived the first pandemic together, making me optimistic we'll do it again.

My 20s I dated and nothing lasted more than a year, just not able to settle for one guy and never had the ability to discuss my feelings and always felt like a slut. Late 30s I met a guy who I stayed with for 15 years and we always kept separate apartments which allowed me other guys but I almost never did and regret because we broke it off when I found out he had a second long term guy he was seeing which angered me so much. I had been unfaithful, but never with the same guy on an ongoing basis. A different trick from time to time would not have bothered me.

Been single for 3 years and find not being in a relationship is lonely, but if I do find someone I am now finally able to discuss that I don't want to be monogamous, even if the side piece is a hustler once in a while. I want a relationship but cannot be held done to just one guy, oh how I wish I could, a relationship would be more obtainable for me. I kind of stopped looking and that means probably won't ever find anyone. I still go to the gym and keep in shape, just in case a miracle happens.

R108 is a "wants his cake and eat it too" kinda guy.

"Noice," r108

R109 has an undiagnosed disease, noice.

r104, do the people in your life who are in relationships tell you all sorts of terrible stories about their partners, and then expect you to get together with them as a couple and pretend everything's fine?

Two relationships.

The first claimed he was a doctor from Argentina. He was so handsome and magnetic that I fell hard. He was so openly gay that I saw a life a different way. We moved in together but then I started seeing a different side of him—with a sharp temper and all the lying. I was head over heels so I accepted his proposal and we got married. And then I started hearing from his past bfs who came out of the woodwork to tell me what he was a total fraud, owed them lots of money, and most shockingly wasn’t a real doctor but just put that on his resume. Plus I heard rumors he was cheating on me.

Finally, I got the courage to get up and leave and never look back.

After many years of being utterly heartbroken and angry that I had been so deceived, I finally met a guy who seems so strong and ethical. I love him so much. I’m afraid of marriage because of what happened the first time around, but in time, that fear may go away. He’s worth it but I’m taking my time.

Married for 4 years and still going strong. :)

Worth the wait.

R112 - where did you meet both?