Banned Helen Lawson Sesame Street Episode Found

When she planted Oscar the Grouch in his trash mistaking him for a tree. You know what she started singing at that point, don't you?

Daycare don't go for no pop & cake

Watch and learn, kiddos. One of these things ain’t like the others:

mole,

mole,

genital wart

Actually it was when the camera caught Helen and Oscar were doing shots and using inappropriate language about some the children on the set...

"Outta my way, kid, go count your fuckin' chromosomes."

When Big Bird tried to step in to keep the children from seeing and hearing this...there was an "incident"

Before it went off the rails

Helen did her classic anatomy lesson routine with Cookie Monster

"Remember children, it's milk, milk {pointing to her large pasty-covered tits},"

"Lemonade, and around the corner Fudge is made."

When sitting on the stoop with an unlit cigarett in her mouth telling a group of kids that their mothers would have been better off with a Higginson bulb, some carbolic soap and an some liquid disinfectant.

I think that's what killed Mr Hooper when he overheard it.

When she stuck a sparkler up some brat's nose and cackled while urging "Sparkle, Neely, sparkle!"

“An important lesson for all our non-Semitic little boys, please make sure to scrub under your Snuffleupagus. Otherwise you won’t be shown love in the French style.”

I know, kid, you pooped your fucking pants.

My third husband was into that too.

When she started singing 'The Name Game' and got to the name Chuck.

"Whatsamatter with the kid slobbering all over Elmo? I'm not working with him! Go back to the office and tell that son-of-a-bitch Henson to get off his butt and earn his oats."

You see, kids, you draw the smoke real deep into your lungs, like this

Then you open your mouth real wide and round...like you're sucking a big cock, you know

You identify as a girl?

Well, I identify as 25-year old with big tits who don't have take shitty gigs like this to make a buck.

And this one is called "Seconal".

It's a great little doll but don't ever mix it with this one - that's called "Nembutal".

She referred to Julia as 'the tard kid', saying, "back in my day, special needs was a fifth of vodka and ten inches."

"They're called Kegels."

Yeah kid, "Kegels"

That's how Miss Helen got all these shiny diamonds

"Now kiddos, let's play duck, duck, Grey Goose."

I remember I was so excited to see this - my mom had all of Lawson’s LPs and I grew up with those show tunes playing constantly in our house. [italic] (Nice Lady [/italic]was my favorite, and I even sang the rousing finale “Hey, Bend Me Over” in my 3rd grade talent show.) (NO COMMENT!)

But the Sesame Street appearance was just awful. Even I could tell a lot of the dialogue had been redubbed (by TERRY KING, of all people!) and I later had a boyfriend who was a sound mixer and he said Helen had been so drunk and slurred throughout the taping that half the dialogue was unusable!!

I’ll just never forget how disappointed I was that day Sesame Street aired. I actually RAN FROM THE ROOM crying : ( It was like seeing your idol stripped. And fat!

Yeah, that lisp is adorable, kid.

(Aside to camera - That one's such a fag I shoulda let him do my hair)

I don't work with Blacks or Jews. Get Bob in here, stat.

Cockie Monster? What sorta name is that?

What's green and smells like Helenesque?

Mommy,

Why did she say she didn't have any children 'cause she "scraped 'em all out"?

"Listen, Bert, that bird over there might spice things up a bit for you-n-Ernie, but if you ask me he's probably a bottom too."

The fat kid is blocking the cue cards and my drink! Get it outta my way!

Hey Henson, I've got something warm and furry you can put your hand up!

That little blonde on the left with the peekaboo knees - she’s OUT!

Oz, what did you just say? "Older than Yoda are you"? The only Oz I know is Judy's, and she's as backwards as your sentences marrying fags like she does. Too much weed did you have?

"Today's episode is brought to you by the letters F... and U."

I don't care what "YOUR DOCTOR or YOUR MOMMY' said...

You keep that GODDAMNED lazy eye focused on ME while I'm delivering my lines

The erotic "Tickle me Elmo" segment scarred countless millennials for life.

Kid, run over to Miss Helen's trailer and tell my assistant I need another "juice box" pronto

Helen: "Do any of you kiddos have a best friend?"

Little Girl: "Yes, Miss Lawson. Her name is Stacy. Do you have a best friend, Miss Lawson?"

Helen: "Yeah. His name is John Walker. We're so close I call him Johnnie. Next question."

Hmm, that scar?

Let's see, that's where the docs cut me open for my tracheotomy

Had to smoke my Camels through that little hole for almost 3 weeks

And I never missed a fuckin' show

"You know Big Bird, you would have felt right at home in Liberace's closet."

Kids, hey, you're in for a treat. Our special guest Miss Ella Fitzgerald is going to sing a scat song. I have a scat song of my own - it starts with "S" and ends with Victor Mature.

I said need another Spot Light and a goddamned Kicker Light NOW

And I don't care if it's too bright for the kids' eyes

Yeah kid, I've worked with a lot of other big celebrities.

Let's see, what was the name of the nympho with all the venereal diseases?

You know, married to that fag Larry Olivia...yeah, yeah...

This reminds me of working with her before I got her canned

That yellow mulatto kid is washing up all the light. If I wanted to work with a banana, I would've worked with the Marx Brothers.

Sesame Street?

HA!

That ole half-lit broad is strictly Electric Company fare!

Hey, kids, you know what's fun coming up in Miss Lawson's life? I'm going to Nevada, do some gambling, drinking, perhaps some horizontal games and then filming a little picture in Utah with Mr. John Wayne, you know - the cowboy actor. Some a you are too young to know him of course. Big drunk, walks like was bedding a horse every night. Hear he swings both ways, and I ain't talking about getting on the saddle from either end. He marries Mexican gals to keep the gossip columns off the scent of after shave if you get my maning.

Anyhow. The picture's called The Conqueror. Mr. Wayne plays a Chinaman. Isn't that ridiculous? Next thing you know Orson Welles will want Chuck Heston to play a Mexican! When pigs fly! That dyke Agnes Moorehead will be there too. Good gal that Agnes. Never tried to hit on me. She's a smart cookie - knows I'm all about the men and, well, their bank accounts and liquor cabinets. I'm going to try to make a mud bath in the desert to try to keep the skin smooth and soft and keep my body cool in the dry, hot air. They tell me the sands there have special properties and heat. I'll give them a try. What harm can it do? So John, Agnes, that spic Pedro Aremendariz, tub of lard Robert Conrad and I will be filming for weeks along with a cast of thousands (more like dozens). Other than some drinking and banging, what can go wrong? It'll be swell.

Well, enough about me, Miss Helen Lawson. Let's talk about what makes the show what it it. No not you kids! The sponsors. What no sponsors? You want me to say a number or a letter is a sponsor? What kind of nonsense is that? The only number I'm going to sponsor is the one on my paycheck from doing this dreck of a gig. And that number is going to sponsor a month in Acapulco.

Hey, kids, you know what's fun coming up in Miss Lawson's life? I'm going to Nevada, do some gambling, drinking, perhaps some horizontal games and then filming a little picture in Utah with Mr. John Wayne, you know - the cowboy actor. Some a you are too young to know him of course. Big drunk, walks like he was bedding a horse every night. Hear he swings both ways, and I ain't talking about getting on the saddle from either end. He marries Mexican gals to keep the gossip columns off the scent of after shave if you get my meaning.

Anyhow. The picture's called The Conqueror. Mr. Wayne plays a Chinaman. Isn't that ridiculous? Next thing you know Orson Welles will want Chuck Heston to play a Mexican! When pigs fly! That dyke Agnes Moorehead will be there too. Good gal that Agnes. Never tried to hit on me. She's a smart cookie - knows I'm all about the men and, well, their bank accounts and liquor cabinets. I'm going to try to make a mud bath in the desert to try to keep the skin smooth and soft and keep my body cool in the dry, hot air. They tell me the sands there have special properties and heat. I'll give them a try. What harm can it do? So John, Agnes, that spic Pedro Armendariz, tub of lard Robert Conrad and I will be filming for weeks along with a cast of thousands (more like dozens). Other than some drinking and banging, what can go wrong? It'll be swell.

Well, enough about me, Miss Helen Lawson. Let's talk about what makes the show what it is. No not you kids! The sponsors. What no sponsors? You want me to say a number or a letter is a sponsor? What kind of nonsense is that? The only number I'm going to sponsor is the one on my paycheck from doing this dreck of a gig. And that number is going to sponsor a month in Acapulco.

On Youtube there's a leaked a clip of Maria prepping with Helen for their jump rope counting song scene. Helen is three sheets to the wind, and says Maria is married to a fag (Luis). In the ensuing commotion, Maria yanks off Helen's wig. They had to rewrite the skit for the Count.

Listen up, kiddos. So the question from little Timmy with the gardenia in his lapel is, "Do you know Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and how's she doing?" Yeah, Judy erm...Dorothy and I go way back. Waaaaaay back. Before you were a twinkle in your neighbor's husband's eye. Well nowadays she's looking a bit stumpy. That red dress in "I Could Go on Singing" didn't do her any favors. They say not to wear horizontal stripes because they make you look fat. Well a solid red shower curtain don't help matters much either! And I thought all those pills made you lose weight. Well little did I know they make you swell and swell and swell. I wish I would've stayed by myself rather than watching that picture. Red is not slimming, Judy. It's black that slimming! Remember that! Now where was I? Oh year, bring me a drink.

Listen up, kiddos. So the question from little Timmy with the gardenia in his lapel is, "Do you know Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and how's she doing?" Yeah, Judy erm...Dorothy and I go way back. Waaaaaay back. Before you were a twinkle in your neighbor's husband's eye. Well nowadays she's looking a bit stumpy. That red dress in "I Could Go on Singing" didn't do her any favors. They say not to wear horizontal stripes because they make you look fat. Well a solid red shower curtain don't help matters much either! And I thought all those pills made you lose weight. Well little did I know they make you swell and swell and swell. I wish I would've stayed by myself rather than watching that picture. Red is not slimming, Judy. It's black that's slimming! Remember that! Now where was I? Oh yeah, bring me a drink.

The word for the day is "EGOT", kiddies.

That's stands for all the awards that big stars like Miss Lawson can win - Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony - got it.

Now move your fat asses, so I can finally win that goddamned Emmy!

My favorite moment was when Helen and the Count had lunch at the fancy restaurant for the "Toddler's Table Manners" segment and she broke script by angrily telling the Count "Listen fucker! FUCK HER! Perino's is MY place now!"

tl;dr

Look at R49 kids - it's a bitch fag

A is for the ASSHOLES who step on my applause lines!

B is for those BASTARDS at the New York Fucking Times who review my shows!

C is for that wig-snatching CUNT Neely O'Hara!

D is for all the DICK I had to suck to be a STAR!

E is for [SHOW GOES TO COMMERCIAL]

We recreated this scene for the kids from Valley Of The Dolls. I personally went around and slapped the face of every brat who dared to laugh. Nervy little fuckers.

I taught all the children there how to smoke before the cameras rolled. When all of them began to hack and cough it gave me my laugh for the day.

At least I didn't marry that fag Kermit.

Look at me, you little fuckwad...

When I say "Clap"

I'm not talking about that stubborn case I picked up from Sammy Davis, Jr. in Reno

Now put your goddamned hands together...

They never brought back the Muppet named Roosevelt Franklin after Helen stubbed out her lit cigarette on his forehead and he caught fire.

Sesame Street went all out on the stage decorations, R1!!

[quote]The word for the day is "EGOT", kiddies.

Yeah—Ebola, Genital Warts, Oral Gonorrhea, and Trichomoniasis!

Wardrobe by

MOSTOLLER

I thought her staking the Count after shouting "One, Two THREE!" was hard for the kids to watch. Especially when it went through the hand of the puppeteer and blood was shooting out of the hole.

She blamed it on low blood sugar.

They only banned the episode after the first showing. The whole crew was on hash brownies she brought in and apparently no one noticed things were amiss until seven preschoolers committed suicide after seeing the episode.

I chuckled when she mistook Kermit for Sammy Davis Jr,

Today’s sponsors? Why they’re the letters H, E, L, N, S, Q and U. Tell your Mommies to come to the TV now, and I’ll tell you what they spell.

I thought it was too blue with Helen saying that Miss Piggy looked like Neely except prettier, and Neely had lost her other two sets of tits.

More for the mature seven-year-old kids, not the Kindergarteners.

When Luis crossed Helen unexpectedly during their segment and Helen punched him hard.

Luis sunk to the floor groaning.

"You Spics are all alike, always trying to get into a white gal's pussy"

Well, the most shocking moment (for me, at least) was when Miss Lawson encountered Buffy St. Marie breastfeeding Baby Cody on the stoop and said, "Honey, if that's the only person you're takin' your tits out for, your not gonna last long in this business. And would it kill you to curl your hair a little? Get a permanent, maybe?"

Can you imagine if Twitter had been around back then? Whew!

The real straw that broke the camel's back was when Helen complained about the various Muppet creatures.

"You've got a fuckin' frog, how about a beaver?"

When she flashed her cooch, it frightened everyone. Crew members reported that as soon as the harsh lighting shone down on her snatch, spiders began crawling out.

R58 Helen mentored Evie, and....well, it's quite clear, isn't it?

Jill, is that you?

OK, kids, Auntie Helen needs some more medicine.

[knocks back a highball of scotch]

Soooooo, let's have a ciggy and and joke.

[Another belt of medicine]

Here's a joke!

Question: What do ya call the Flintstones if they was black?

Answer: Nigg-- [cut to station identification]

I’ll go out the way I came in. (Crawls into Oscar’s garbage can).

"Miss Lawson, please stop calling them a pack of cunts every 5 seconds, you're scaring them."

Kids actually watch this shit?! No wonder they called me in to save the day.

Huh, television. *eyerolls*

PUBLIC television. *snickers*

The best part never made it on the air...but it's been talked about in Hollywood for decades

An enraged Helen ranted, cursed, screamed, and generally demolished the set...

when Sesame Street producers cut her medley of black-themed tunes, including "I've Got Plenty of Nuttin'," and "Ol' Man River"....

when they told her she couldn't perform it in black face...

OFFENSIVE! THE GODDAMN COLOREDS LOVE ME!

YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL ME...

HOW TO PERFORM ON THIS PBS PIECE OF SSHIT FOR FUCKIN' HIPPIES KIDS ...

Lift dat barge

Tote dat bale

R71, I LOVED how Helen's response was that all she was doing was asking for a pack of Kents.

This is a total fabrication. Everyone knows that Miss Lawson refused to work with children or animals after the incident during her last NBC special. Puppets? I can’t imagine.

My favorite morsel is when Helen walks onto the her secene with Bert and Ernie. She gets introduced and says "You're roomates, huh? I bet you both have girlfriends in Canada."

^ sorry for the typos, gurls

fabulous thread!

I found it hard to watch when she made that little girl cry when she was screaming, "Are you the little cunt who put celery salt in my bloody mary? I TOLD YOU: No fucking celery salt! Go get that goddamned bottle of Stoli you little cheapskate. PROVE to me it's 100 proof. You call THIS piss a DRINK? GO! You stupid little bitch. NOW!"

Even Fred Rogers, who is kind to everyone, looked quite ashen after their meeting.

He looked near to tears when he whispered "I can never think of "speedy delivery" in the same way again!" to me.

Children, gather round Miss Helen wants to talk to you about something important.

Has anyone ever bullied any of you? Would you tell me about it?

Yes, you, the skinny little darkie in bad clothes...yes you, the one next to the fat lesbian girl...don't be shy

Now I want to ask you, dear one, has anyone every been unkind to you in those awful ghettos?

Helen Lawson is a racist?

Over hearing inquisitive Grover whispering in the ear of his friend "I don't think that 's her own hair," Helen responds " Of course it's my own hair! I bought it with my own ducking money! Wanna make sometin of it, PUNK?!! " She looks at his friend to say "I got a cookie for ya!"

[quote]Helen Lawson is a racist?

At night, all cats are Nig...

LUNCH!

"I don't work with Blacks or Jews."

I can play white.

Little rugrats like poetry, right, Mac?

"There once was a lass from Nantucket....."

Helen, looking deceptively serene, "Hey kids, put your hands up if you're not wearing any underwear. I haven't since a fireman snaked out my hole with a big hose years ago. Ya gotta be prepared!"

If that goddamned bird gets in my light again I'll turn him into chicken salad!

I remember the blank stares the kids gave each other when she asked one of the Muppets what it felt like to get fisted.

You can't have remembered that, r80, it was cut. Along the reply "You should know, you old cunt, you were riding the saddle horn when you played Lady Godiva!"

You can't have remembered that, r80, it was cut. Along the reply "You should know, you old cunt, you were riding the saddle horn when you played Lady Godiva!"

Hmph, Jon Hamm as a leading man? He's had more hands up his ass than you Muppets.

Pee-YOU and excuse ME!

"Cameramen, talk amongst yourselves and decide who's gonna come back to my goddamn dressing room an eat me out during lunch. And don't keep a gal waiting!"

Kids, take a hint from Auntie Helen. Don't stick a wire hanger up your hoo hoo without dousing it in Helenesque first, m'kay?

You know what...

You wook wike my gwandmothver...

Why do you weah awl that stuff on your face?

Whoops wrong thread

"1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . 7 . . . whatever comes after 7 . . . looking at all you little kids, it's like if all my abortions had lived!"

"I've had more kids pulled outta me than a burning orphanage!"

See, kid, just hand the nice man at the liquor store next door this twenty, see, and tell him to give ya a gallon of Auntie Helen's Special!

Classic advice from Helen.

And light my blunt, you lazy fat-ass kid!

"Where you been, shadow- am I supposed to take my own shoes off?"

"Yessum Miss Lawson... I-I mean no, ma'am"

What other wisdom did Helen have that might see us through these troubled times...

When the letter of the day was "C" and Carol Spinney (as Big Bird) finally lost it and said "you know what word starts with the letter C Helen? Cunt. And that's what you are, an old CUNT!"

Then Helen said "And Cocksucker also starts with C and we all know that's what you are!"

The children started crying and had to be sent home for the day.

Kermit is a fictional character, Miss Lawson, and please let go of my THUMB!

Helen could never remember Bert and Ernie's names, so she constantly referred to them as "those two fags who play house together."

Ya wanna count something, Count? Count how many times a day Ernie bottoms for Burt!

She was forcibly removed from the set when she promised to have sex with Joe Raposo if he rewrote one of the show's signature songs to now be called "C is For Cognac." She made the promise in front of a dozen children of at least four different races. She also used the word "pickaninny" under her breath multiple times during taping, and but not so quiet it couldn't be heard by the sound guy in the Reeves Teletape control booth.

You misheard, R110. Or Helen slurred her words.

But Cognac was not what C was for according to our Helen.

"Who do I gotta know

to get some COCK

Who do I gotta BLOW

To score some primo COCK!

Cock! Around the block!

That's what Mama needs!

Gimme big and stupid

With meat down to his knees!"

Hey you, yeah you...the little colored kid with the lazy eye

Do you know Sammy Davis, Jr.?

You sorta remind me of him...