Let’s be Judy Garland in the 1970’s, 80’s and 90”s had she lived.

I'm the uncredited back-up vocals on an album track by Elton John.

I’m the disco album.

I’m the inevitable 1981 special guest star appearance on “The Helen Lawson Christmas Special”. I’ll belt out a medley of my greatest hits and close with a duet with Helen of "I'll Plant My Own Tree".

I am the well earned stay at the Betty Ford clinic that coincided with Elizabeth Taylor’s first stay!

I’m her foray into rap, backed by N.W.A.

Instead of playing the Palace I’m playing the Castro in San Francisco, before a sold-out crowd of screaming, adoring queens.

I’m the public and very nasty feud Judy is having with fellow nonagenarian Betty White.

We are three of the six gay backup dancers at her Castro performance. We’ve suddenly been replaced because we have, you know, that “gay cancer”.

I’m the Prolia commercial. They called me when Blythe Danner didn’t show up. My amphetamine addiction has put me at high risk for fracture. I hope AstraZeneca can help.

I am the stinging commentary on The Wizard of Oz DVD.

Watch out Louis B, Mayer and the munchkins!

I'm the career-redefining Sondheim album. I'll be both hilarious and heartbreaking, with a big band spin on some numbers. I consist of

I'm Still Here - with an "I've been through Mayer, Sid Luft too" lyric

Send in the Clowns, which will be in the Judy repertoire forever

Ladies Who Lunch - with a duet version performed with Diahann Carroll on variety shows

Losing My MInd

Not While I'm Around, duet with Liza

Children Will Listen

Not a Day Goes By

Broadway Baby

Everybody Says Don't

I’m the duet with Madonna at the MTV Video Awards.

I’m the Lifetime Achievement Grammy. I’m being presented to this pill-popping, liquored up broad. When I’m presented half of the audience will have no idea who this broad is.

I'm the guest vocal on a Pet Shop Boys album

[quote] Losing My MInd

The Losing My Mind Trio with Judy, Liza and Lorna.

I'm the unnecessary apostrophes in 1970s and 80s and the unnecessary quotation mark/inverted commas in 90s.

I'm Renee Zellwegger. The lack of the 'gone too soon' Judy narrative means that the Judy movie is never made. I try my hand at playing Patsy Cline instead, and am laughed out of the industry. I hawk Invisalign and sheet masks on QVC

We’re the one straight, middle-aged married couple at the Castro Performance. We remember her in her glory days before the gays hijacked her career. We look on in horror at all these gays in the audience.

[quote] I try my hand at playing Patsy Cline instead, and am laughed out of the industry. I hawk Invisalign and sheet masks on QVC

Her career fell to pieces?

Judy living is unimaginable.

[quote] Judy living is unimaginable.

Apparently not. We’re at over 20 responses already.

I’m the fabulous Kay Thompson! Bitch, don’t steal my thunder!

I'm Judy's performance as Old Rose in Titanic, securing her an Academy Award. Because it's Judy, Rose delivers a heartbreaking sung-spoken rendition of If Love Were All to the excavation crew, before fucking the jewellery back into the ocean.

Fucking the jewelry?

I'm the spread in Playboy no one asked for.

I’m the lifetime achievement Oscar that she refuses.

I'm Andrew Lloyd Webber. Aside from Memory and Tell Me on a Sunday Judy doesn't sing my songs. preferring to sing nearly the entire score to La Cage Aux Folles on various TV guest appearances instead. She would have been ridiculous in Starlight Express now that I think of it.

I'm the proud mama out in the audience of the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion, applauding my talented daughter as she wins the Oscar for "Cabaret."

[R23] I’m the Oscar for Titanic that’s really given for “the one that got away”.

I make a special guest appearance on Will & Grace as a Judy Garland drag queen performer.

I’m the starring role on Murder, She Wrote.

I’m the sad and troubling video Judy posted on IG during the Coronavirus pandemic, sitting nude in a bathtub with barely enough water to cover her perky bosom.

I’m the highball on the set of the Skip E. Lowe interview. I’m needed to calm my nerves. Who is this fool anyway?

Turn down the volume on the TV, Mommy, I'm trying to colour. I like blue.

I play Will Schuester's grandmother on "Glee".

I'm the AIDS anthem performed with Elton John

I play a teacher in the movie "Fame." When Doris comes to audition, I yell out, "Sing out, Doris!" Her mother makes a snide remark about me.

[quote] I’m the sad and troubling video Judy posted on IG during the Coronavirus pandemic, sitting nude in a bathtub with barely enough water to cover her perky bosom.

Disturbing.

I’m the Kennedy Center Award. Judy insists on taking me with her to the balcony. President Clinton will have to intervene at some point to avoid Judy dropping me on some unsuspecting guest below. Judy has the shakes from a recent detox.

[quote] Mickey Deans

I'm the brief second marriage to Mickey Deans in the 90s. He leaves Judy to marry Liza. Of course.

I'm the Enquire cover showing Judy in a wheelchair leaving the 2019 funeral of her 9th husband, Rip Taylor.

[quote]Losing My MInd

Not so fucking fast, Mama.

I'm the cameo appearance in Return to Oz that eventually ended up being cut from the film.

[quote]on the set of the Skip E. Lowe interview.

Mama wouldn't do public access.

But I will.

I’m the family photo of Judy, Liza, Lorna, Victor Hugo and Halston at Studio 54, the ladies and Victor in Halston gowns.

After the picture is taken Judy, Liza, Victor and H run off to the basement to do Coke and leave Lorna with Martha Graham and a DuPont twin.

I’m the Comeback Tour!

I'm Judy's appearance as a guest judge on the RuPaul's Drag Race. When Ru walks down the runway, Judy will shakily belt "Somewhere Over the Ru-ainbow."

We’re the devastating National Enquirer headlines. Complete with photos of Judy’s last days.

Sad last days, R48.

I’m Joan Rivers.

“Who are you wearing, Judy”?

I sing a medley from Dreamgirls on The Tonight Show.

I'm asked my opinion on the singing talent of a young Patti LuPone.

"Oh, darling, she screams everything and no one can understand a word she is saying. Can anyone light me? Thank you, darling."

I make a special guest appearance on "Life With Lucy". I play Lucy's gal pal from back in the days when we were in vaudeville together. We sing a medley of vaudeville songs. The poor child actors look at us with boredom during rehearsals and when it's time to film before a live studio audience, the little shits suddenly become animated and cutesy and steal the show.

I'm forced to sober up for a couple of hours as I shoot an episode of "Private Screenings" with my favorite walker, Robert Osborne. I regale him with delightful, and sometimes bawdy, tales of Hollywood past, but I turn into a blubbering mess when Bob asks me about my mean mama, my mistreatment at MGM, my failed marriages, and my addictions. Do they hand out Emmys for special guest interviewees?

We’re every Lifetime Achievement Award ever known to mankind. We will be presented to Judy in a series of televised events shortly before her death. Judy will accept us with a gracious thank you to Mr. Cukor.

In order to pay the rent, I do a retirement home commercial with Mickey Rooney. Jesus H. Christ, I've always hated that Irish fucking midget. But the world thought we looked cute together, so I did what I had to do to pay the bills. When he runs to the john, I do an impression of him in Breakfast At Tiffanys.

I'm 1977, Judy finally gets to record a Bond theme: "Nobody Does It Better" for The Spy Who Loved Me. It fails to chart.

I’m Judy’s highly anticipated, sold out in advance autobiography. Judy will reveal in Chapter 4 who the munchkin was that sexually assaulted her during the filming of “Wizard of Oz”.

I'm the Very Special Episode of Dr. Phil in which Judy discusses being sexually assaulted by several munchkins.

I'm the "Mommie Dearest"/"My Mother's Keeper"-esque tell-all Lorna publishes for some extra cash in 1989.

We’re the munchkins. We deny any and all accusations Ms. Garland made in her recent tell-all “autobiography”. We have recently retained legal counsel.

I'm the special guest star appearance on Falcon Crest as a woman with a secret that Angela never wants told.

I'm the movie "Mame", Judy starring makes me way less cringe-worthy.

I'm the ashtray Judy throws at an interior designer after Joey's bedroom is painted red, "He likes blue!!!! "she bellows.

I’m the casket at Judy’s public funeral. International headlines will be made when some drag queen throws herself on me as I’m being carried from the church.

I'm the General Manager of The Plaza Hotel. "I'm sorry Miss Garland. We are fully booked through the middle of next year. Can you believe it? Not a single room available. Why don't you try the Sherry-Netherland? Oh, they told you to come here? Perhaps the Milford Plaza?"

I'm the reluctantly-recorded "Dear Mr. Swayze (You Made Me Love You)" for the film 'Broadway Melody of 1988'.

We’re two of the pallbearers at Judy’s funeral. We will hookup shortly after the grave side ceremony.

I'm the restraining order against Mickey Rooney.

I’m the Judy Garland limited edition commutative postage stamp!

I'm the residuals generated from That's Entertainment! III that pay for Joey's "residential situation" aka the FAS Home for Adults.

Oh, Christ. Some idiot is doing a stage version of Meet Me In St. Louis on Broadway. And I have to go and sit in the audience and then tell everyone how great it is.

Lorna, order Mama two extra crates of vodka. It's going to be a long month.

I’m the mysterious figure in black who leaves a rose at the family crypt every year on the anniversary of Judy’s death. Over the years I will have several imposters.

Fuck no. I am NOT going to see Ruby Keeler haul her fat ass around on a Broadway stage. Jesus, they've asked the bitch to tap dance?

Another 5 years would be stretching it, but if she could have held out until 1974 I could imagine her career going something like this;

A cameo on Laugh-In, an appearance on "Dinah's Place", a commercial for "Carnation Instant Breakfast" with Lorna and Joey, an appearance on "The Carol Burnett Show", Judy is fired from the set of "Airport" (replaced by Barbara Hale), fired from the production of Walt Disney's "The Aristocats" (replaced by Eva Gabor), a new film adaptation of "The Threepenny Opera" is announced with Judy in the Lotte Lenya role but it goes nowhere, an appearance in "That's Entertainment!" together with Mickey Rooney (last film).

"I'm the brief second marriage to Mickey Deans in the 90s. He leaves Judy to marry Liza."

No, he leaves Judy to marry Joey.

I’m Betty Hutton. Enough said.

She would have been asked to do an interview on Jerry Springer. Then halfway through, they would have brought out Mel Torme.

R14 beat me to it.

In 1979, Casablanca Records releases my tenth studio album, "(Rock-a-bye Your Baby With) A Disco Melody," featuring several of my popular songs set to a disco beat. Favorites like "Over the Rainbow," "The Trolley Song," and "Get Happy" are remixed and remastered for an all-night, non-stop dance party. The album does a slow burn up to the top of the Billboard Dance Charts, and I make the rounds lipsyching my disco-fied songs on Solid Gold, American Bandstand, Top of the Pops, Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, Dinah, etc.

Joey, how do you get this web thingy to work? Mama wants to put a video on YouTube.

Oh, Christ, Larry. I know you're my agent, but I don't want to go on the Jerry Lewis Telethon and sing "Get Happy". Those poor miserable children make me drink and I can't look bloated for my guest appearance on the Love Boat. Can't you just have Sid write them a check or something?

Judy calls Deanna Durbin in France around 1975 to see if she would come out of retirement to recreated their duet from their famous short film "Every Sunday". Deanna again tells Judy "are you STILL in that fucking business"?

My dear Judge, You mean to tell me that people have to spend a whole Saturday picking up empty liquor bottles along Sunset Boulevard because the cops pulled them over for drinking while driving? Can't Lorna go in my place?

I'm Nellie Kelly, but you can call me Nell! I was adopted at the age of 15 from Vietnam in 1976 by Judy and Mickey Deans as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. It was too late.

Judy pushed me to become the next Nancy Kwan, as you can imagine, the 1985 remake of Flower Drum Song was an epic failure. Audiences weren't ready for Judy as Madam Liang.

I’m Ann Miller. Judy was originally cast in my roll in “Sugar Babies”. It was to be advertised as a re-teaming of one of old Hollywood’s most beloved child star duos-Judy and Mickey back together at last. Unfortunately Judy’s disastrous private life threatened to derail the project. Her drunken performance at the Oscars proved to be too much for the backers. It was agreed I would step in for an “indisposed’ Judy. I believe there is a amateur home movie floating around on the internet of Judy in costume fittings and rehearsals.

I'm Judy's 3rd Farewell Tour.

I'm the lawsuit Elizabeth Taylor files against Judy for copyright infringement shortly after Judy's fragrance "Red Rubies" is released.

I'm all the Depends commercials they would never have given to MGM second-stringer June Allyson if Judy had still been alive.

I’m the song “I’m Still Here”. Forget those bitches Elaine, Shirley and Yvonne. Nobody can sing me like Judy. She has every queen on his feet cheering and screaming for more.

I’m the party for the 25th anniversary re-release of “A Star is Born”. I will be attended by the old guard of Hollywood still alive. An elderly Raymond Burr will attend with a 20 year old Marine recently back from duty in Korea. No will suspect anything and will thank the Marine for his service

[quote] An elderly Raymond Burr will attend with a 20 year old Marine recently back from duty in Korea.

[quote] in the 1970’s, 80’s and 90”s

?

R92, in this alternate universe the Korean war ended in 1972.

"Fantasy Island" had this brilliant idea of reuniting me with my Ziegfeld Girl costars, Lana Turner and Hedy Lamarr in an episode dealing with Mr. Roarke's (Ricardo Montalban) past loves. But poor Hedy, who I hadn't seen in ages, showed up with her face pulled so tight she could barely utter a line! So they replaced her with Ava Gardner. Now Ava I love dearly, but the old gal couldn't make it past eight o'clock without reaching for her gin! And what a bad influence she was! We were all sloshed before noon. So that do-gooder, Ricardo, had us escorted off the lot and we were told not to return.

It’s Hedley!

I’m the proposed remake of “A Star is Born”. It will reunite Judy and James Mason. In a plot twist Judy will play the role of the drunken has-been actress It will be a non-musical and give a late career Judy a chance to show off her dramatic acting chops. Although a non-musical one special song will be written for Judy that has Best Song Oscar potential. James agrees to sign-on as he doesn’t have much going on. Judy agrees not knowing the inside joke that this is really her autobiographical film and she’s playing a real life her. She just sees as a chance to get the Oscar she never got. Unfortunately the project is shelved because the studio cant get insurance because of Judy’s risky behavior. It’s the ultimate blow that drives Judy into the abyss.

Judy gets to play "Mame" on tv, though it's not done live. Liza plays Gooch with Madeline Kahn dubbing her high note at the end of her song. Deanna Durbin declined.

There's this new movie they are making called The Exorcist. They've asked me if I will do the voiceover for the demon inside the little girl. But I'm not sure if I should say, "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell."

I’m an addled, booze- and dope-infused Judy impersonator posting shortly after Judy’s death on a new website called “The Datalounge”. I post the following in reply to a thread about Judy’s funeral:

[quote] Judy was one of the most talented singers ever. She also had a lot of pain and struggle throughout her life. Despite that, she had a good heart, which is hard to encounter in Hollywood. At a time when gay people were oppressed beyond belief, they identified with her struggles and she theirs.

I’m the Stonewall riots. I would not have occurred until the late 90s without the impetus of Judy’s death.

I'm the secret donations to the Republican party that are unearthed after Judy's death, causing her image as a Gay icon to be tarnished. All she wanted was to be the ambassador to Kansas.

I'm Judy's anything-for-money appearance on "The Storybook Squares" (which was arranged by Bruce Vilanch in a combination of genuine sympathy for her penury and the sick-queen desire to see what would happen).

Naturally, Judy is late and someone has to send for Jaye P. Morgan to fill in. But Judy shows up at the last minute, the staff crams her into a "Little MIss Muffet" outfit, and she wobbles up the stairs to the tic-tac-toe grid. Cameramen are instructed to shoot her only when Little Miss Muffet is not smoking, which proves impossible.

CONTESTANT: I'll take Little Miss Muffet for the block.

PETER MARSHALL: Little Miss Muffet — I understand you like to do something with your "tuffet." What do you like to do to your "tuffet"?

(Dirty laughs in the studio. The child contestants don't get it.)

PAUL LYNDE (DRESSED AS FRANKENSTEIN): All the MGM stars had to show their tuffets to Louis B. Mayer!

JUDY: Louis B. ... a tuffet? What ... what are we talking about?

Bootleg copies of this never-repeated performance are circulated among collectors for years until the advent of YouTube.

I’m the hundred and one posts it’s taken to get to a mention of her guest spot on Murder, She Wrote.

Correction: 31 posts.

I’m the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. Every time I am sung as a concert encore, Judy can be heard saying backstage “If I have to sing this song one more time for these fags...stagehand, you there, get me my fucking drink”!

I'm Judy's gay handler pushing her in a wheelchair to the Oscars

I’m the Entertainment Tonight teaser: Judy Garland’s secret lesbian past! We have the inside scoop!

I’m the interview on her #metoo allegations she has with Ronan Farrow. Judy channels her Judgement at Nuremberg performance throughout.

I'm her guest appearance on The Golden Girls as Rose's cousin.

R86 We’re the costumes from Judy’s fittings. We somehow found our way into Judy’s personal wardrobe. After Judy’s death we will find our way into Debbie Reynold’s Museum Collection. Debbie will ultimately sell us at auction. There will be a bidding frenzy amongst the old queens. We will sell for double and triple the pre-sell estimates. We will spend the rest of our lives in some old queen’s apartment-mounted and displayed like some game hunter’s prized kill.

I’m Susan Hayward. Judy hates me for some reason. I can’t understand why. I heard she smiled when she heard the news I had brain cancer.

I'm Judy's Republican pals. Judy's old Hollywood, so she'll sing for the gays and hang out with Nancy and Ronnie

R58 I’m also Chapter 4 of Judy’s autobiography. Judy also reveals who the munchkin was that hung himself during the filming of the yellow brick road sequence in “The Wizard of Oz”.

I'm the cameo she made on The Nanny in 1996. Mr Sheffield is tasked with reviving Judy's career in a musical. Fran goes all fan girl, Niles reveals he is Judy's biggest fan and she considers him marriage material until she finds out he is straight.

CC questions Judy about the best drugs. The end sees Judy and Sylvia singing 'The Trolley Song' in their bathrobes in the Sheffield Kitchen after the musical is axed due to poor ticket sales. Yeta is seen sitting in an empty theatre asking when Dorothy is coming on.

I'm the remake of Sunset Boulevard. Mickey Rooney plays Max. I'm also Ann Miller' role in Mulholland Drive, which instead is given to a frail Judy.

R18 Hey! Wait! Isn’t that our son Joey in the third row? What is he doing here?

I’m the duet that Judy Garland sings with Diahann Carroll on her special guest star stint on “Dynasty” in the mid-‘80s.

I'm Lizscha and momma just lovesh David Gest. In our wedding photo, the one that journalistchs nashtily called The Addamsch Family, momma is pictured between Elizchabeth Taylor and Michael Jackschon in her wheelchair, she is wearing a spotted veil and pillbox hat, mink stole, and her favourite teeth.

What, no Golden Girls cameo? You gays disappoint me,

I’m Vincent Minelli’s abandoned mansion. If my walks could talk oh the stories they could tell.

We’re the red carpet paps.

Judy! Judy!

Over here Judy!

I’m the elderly extra with a story to peddle: Judy and I did smack between takes of “The Boy Next Door”!

I’m Judy’s performance as a clown in “The Pirate”. Although this is one of her most famous numbers, a recent showing of the film at a summer film festival in Madison, Wisconsin caused a firestorm on Twitter: This is racist! This is cultural appropriation! #supportclownrights. After the showing death threats were made against the festival organizer and the theater where the festival is taking place was vandalized. Festival cancelled to protect the community’s safety.

Rose reveals that her old school friend Judy, an out of work singer, is coming to stay for a few days. Betty White and Judy are the same age. Naive rose neglects to mention that her friend Judy is THE Judy. Upon arrival, Blanche and Dorothy are shocked, and a convoluted story about St Olaf and travelling vaudevillians explains Rose and Judy's past. Sophia makes a joke about there being too many Dorothys. Judy is married to a handsome younger man and naturally Blanche tries to bed him until she finds out he is gay. Judy gets a phone call from Johnny Carson to appear on the tonight show and her driver (Mickey Rooney) arrives to pick her up. Rose still fails to see what all the fuss is about.

I'm Judy singing Over the Rainbow with a mouthful of jizz. I'll continue doing this stunt well into my 70s.

I'm Judy in her 1970s disaster movie. There's an entire reel of outtakes of me trying to say "astrophysicist."

I make Liz Taylor's appearance on the Golden Globes seem crisp and coherent.

I'm the 1980s Hi-NRG album produced by Ian Levine. Along with his nothing songs, I contain versions of "Maniac," "Like a Virgin" and "Word Up."

I'm "Name That Tune" with Judy Garland instead of Kathie Lee. But the correct answer is always "The Trolley Car Song".

I'm Judy's directorial debut, a 1980s Allan Carr revival of the "Beach" movies. Judy spends most of her time in her trailer, watching her "stories" and... "snacking".

I'm Michael Feinstein and I'm holding Judy hostage along with Liza, forcing them to sing Kander and Ebb songs on instagram.

R99

Ha! Ha! Ha! I'll say!

I'm Judy's neck. I haven't grown any over the years.

I'm Marlene, not one our better singers.

[quote] What, no Golden Girls cameo? You gays disappoint me

R119, meet R109.

So far, everyone who's cunted about something not being in the thread has totally SHOWN THEIR ASS, because it was already here in the thread!

THE ANCIENTS TOUR 2020

CHER!

MADONNA!

and the oldest of them all

JUDY GARLAND!

[quote] Hey! Wait! Isn’t that our son Joey in the third row? What is he doing here?

R116, does Joey like blue and the shapes that aren’t circles?

Madonna is pissed because Judy's cover of "Live To Tell" is better than her original.

I’m Scotty Bowers. Judy was to be included in my second book. Damn that liver failure for taking me at 96. If only I had written things down instead of committing everything to memory.

Hi! I'm Judy Garland 2.0, and I'm glad to be here in the year 2097.

After they thawed my head (lucky me that Liza thought to have it frozen in 1969), I was defrosted in 2096, given a new bionic body (with a patented Nevahfail Liver) and now I'm rarin to go!

I’m Judy on Assistance which is pretty much all the fucking time now.

I'm the variety of late night infomercials

I'm Miss Piggy. I had to karate chop ol' Judy after she tried to mount my Kermie during a rendition of "Together (Wherever We Go)" at a taping of "The Muppet Show." And in front of the children no less! She was drunk as a skunk, and Fozzie Bear and Sam Eagle had to escort her back to her dressing room to sober up. Lush!

I'm Judy slowly figuring out the Macarena during a segment on Carnie!, the Carnie Wilson talk show.

I'm Mariah Carey. I don't know her.

I'm "Carnegie Hell", the failed 80s attempt to revive Grande Dame Guignol, with Judy as an aging popular singer who slashes and gets slashed by her seemingly demure but unhinged long-time dresser, played by Olivia De Havilland. Featuring a crossover duet with Lauren Bacall as Sally Ross: "This Town Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us".

I'd be up for watching that, actually, [R147].

I'm Judy's Saturday Night Live episode, locked away in Lorne Michaels' vault. It's never been clear as to what happened that day, but we do know filming was cut three minutes into Judy's monologue.

I’m the adoring queen who heads up a small regional Pride event. I’m Judy’s BIGGEST fan. “Hey wouldn’t it be FABULOUS if we could get Judy Garland to Grand Marshall our event”? All the other sensible gays who work behind the scenes will say “NO”!!! They know it would end in tears. We will ultimately ask Margaret O’Brien. She’s always available.

I'm the cut scene from "The Wiz" with Judy in blackface

I am the ringtone created from “The Man That Got Away.” “What’s a ringtone?” Judy asked when she got her first residual check.

I'm Judy trying to defend blackface on Anderson Cooper 360.

I'm Liza!, a failed Miller Boyett Production for ABC.

R92 R93 you do realize we still have troops in Korea, right?

Judy would have been great in a Robert Altman film like "A Wedding ", maybe the Carol Burnett role, or maybe she could have worked with Cassavetes again?

"Not a Day Goes By" would have suited Judy's voice, or anything that was left of it perfectly.

I’m the Members Only jacket she wore to Madonna’s Like A Virgin tour.