What's your favorite go-to joke?

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

Guy goes into a psychiatrist’s office shouting “I’m a teepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a teepee! I’m a wigwam!.’

“Relax,” the psychiatrist replied, “You’re two tents.”

“Why do farts smell?” “So deaf people can enjoy them, too!”

Patient: "Doc, it hurts when I do this." (flexes elbow)

Doctor: "Well, don't do that."

favorite = go-to, OP

R1 brought me to the floor, cool idea OP.

Yes, this cemetary is beautiful. People are just dying to get in here.

I'll segue off R2

Torture in wigwam or The pain's in tents

I went to the local zoo. It only had one animal. It was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

THAT is my all-time favorite short joke. I didn't get it until I read it outloud. I still love it! Hope you do, too.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder?

One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

A dyslexic dyke walks into a bra.

It's Postman Ed's last day on his rounds, he's retiring after 30 years of delivering letters. When he gets to Mrs. Smith's house, to whom he's been delivering letters for over a decade, she greets him at the front door in a see-through pegnoir, invites him in to her home. Postman Ed follows her into her dining room, where a sumptuous lunch has been set out. He finishes the gourmet lunch, then Mrs. Smith invites him into her bedroom and proceeds to fuck his brains out. After Ed and Mrs. Smith get dressed, Mrs. Smith leads Ed into her living room, where she hands him an envelope containing $5. Ed thanx Mrs. Smith for the gourmet lunch, the fuck and the $5. Mrs. Smith says the whole thing was her husband's idea. Ed's a bit confused and responds "Your husband?".

Mrs. Smith says "Yes, my husband. I told him that today was your last day on the job and asked what kind of present I should give you.

My husband said "Fuck him. Give him $5."

"The lunch was my idea."

T-Shirt: Dyslexics Untie!

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump says “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.

Boris says ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.

The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.

Angela says to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The 10 year old replies: “Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

R5 is incorrect.

One may have more than one go-to joke, as well as equal favorites. One may therefore say "favorite go-to joke" and "favorite go-to jokes" without triggering a linguist or language expert.

However, one cannot avoid triggering the false English maven, who truly deserves her

Oh, dear.

Take my wife. Please.

This old chestnut always makes me laugh:

My dog has no nose. - Then how does he smell? Awful!

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

No? I’m surprised; it’s all over town.

What's the difference between a Greyhound bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

A bloke, an emu and a cat walk into a pub, sit down at a table.

The bloke gets up, walks over to the publican, shouts a round and takes it back to the table.

15 minutes later, the emu gets up, walks over to the publican, shouts a round and takes it back to the table.

Half an hour later, the bloke gets up again, walks over to the publican, shouts a round, takes it back to the table.

15 min later, it's the emu's turn to shout.

Half an hour later, the bloke heads over the publican to shout yet another round.

The publican notices that the cat hasn't shouted a round, can no longer contain his curiosity and asks the bloke "Mate, what's up with you, the emu and the cat?"

The bloke responds "Well, mate, it's like this. I was out the back of beyond, when I found a brass lantern. I was cleaning it off with an old rag when strewth!, this joker in earrings and a turban popped out of the latern. Said to me "Yer, ya got one wish. Have at it".

"So I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where is the bar tender ? "

Right now it's this...

with major league sports seasons cancelled, sports television channels are now broadcasting the World Origami Championships, on Pay-Per-View.

whats the difference between a girls track team and a group of pygmies?

one is a bunch of cunning runts.i

Mr & Mrs Chang own a Chinese Restaurant, they work very long hours.

Late one night as soon as they get home Mrs Chang turns to Mr Chang an says “I want 69 right now!”

He replies, “You want KungPow Chicken this hour?”

A man comes to work on Monday with two black eyes. His friend asks him what happened, and the man says he got them at church.

“How did you get two black eyes at church?!?”

“Well, the priest’s homily was about the Good Samaritan and after Communion I noticed that the woman in front of me had gotten a bit of a dress wedgie when she was kneeling. So I was trying to be helpful and I pulled it out for her, and she turned around and punched me.”

“But that doesn’t explain the other black eye.”

“I just assumed she wanted it that way so I stuffed it back in.”

My grandmother was never able to get all the way through the joke, she always broke out in giggles and someone had to finish it for her.

TL;DR R26!

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead!

A blind man with his dog walk in to a bar. The blind man picks his dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around above his head. The bartender says 'what the hell are you doing?' The blind man replies 'I just wanted to take a look around.'

From Bob Einstein:

R27 not only is cunt but she has terrible taste in jokes.

I thought we were telling jokes. Granted, I'm only 4 months into DL but I have no idea what R27 and R31 are referring to. Tl;DR - what does that mean?

Please let's get back to the jokes, ladies.

What’s the difference between a juvenile delinquent and a postage stamp?

One you lick with a stick; the other you stick with a lick.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

What's the difference between a bowling ball and pussy?

I could eat a bowling ball if I had to.

Three couples, two straight and one gay, are killed in a terrible bus crash. They find themselves before St. Peter.

The first straight couple goes up and says to St. Peter, "May we enter heaven?" St. Peter replies, "You sir are greedy. You have always been greedy. Why, you're so greedy, you even married a woman named Penny." Poof, they are sent to Hell.

The second straight couple goes up and says to St. Peter, "May we enter heaven?" St. Peter replies, "You sir are a glutton. You have always been a glutton. Why, you're such a glutton, you even married a woman named Candy." Poof, they are sent to Hell.

At this point, one of the gay guys leans over to his partner and says "It's not looking good, Dick."

Doctor to patient: "I'm sorry to say you have cancer and Alzheimers"

Patient: "Well at least I don't have cancer!"

R3: I'd always heard it said farts smell for the aid of the dead and blind.

My grandmother was never able to get all the way through the joke, she always broke out in giggles and someone had to finish it for her.

That’s cute Miss Clitoris.

Oh and I got one. What's the difference between a nun kneeling in prayer and a woman in a bath tub? The Nun has hope in her soul. I'll leave it to you to complete the rest.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

R42 We have a winner!

A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.

"What's wrong?" one asks.

"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."

"What kind?"

"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".

"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."

He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc.

All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving..... "Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"

"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

What's black, white and red and can't fit through a revolving glass door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

A hockey player decided to go ice fishing. He cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his line. A few minutes later he heard a voice from the sky say: "There are no fish under the ice there."

He was surprised, but he got up and moved a bit further. He cut another hole in the ice and dropped in his line. Almost immediately the voice said: "There are no fish under the ice there."

The hockey player stood up and asked: "Are you God?"

The voice answered: "No. This is the manager of the ice rink. There are no fish under the ice here."

What’s the worst thing you could hear when going down on Willie Nelson?

“I’m not Willie Nelson”.

What's gray and comes in quarts?

An elephant.

Old joke, "What's the difference between a Silver Lake (or SF , NY West Village ) clone and a bowling ball?"

A: "You can only fit three fingers into a bowling ball.

My friend drew her eyebrows in too high, when I told her, she looked surprised.

Supposed to be a real life incident, but I don’t know why, it just makes me laugh:

Joni was just nursing a drink and minding her own business at a bar.

Then a nervous Fanboi walked up to her and said: ‘Thank you Joni. Before Prozac, there was you.’

A baby fur deal walks into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll you have”?

The baby seal says: “anything but a Canadian Club.”

The first dirty joke I learned:

Mickey and Minnie mouse are getting a divorce.

Minnie’s attorney says to Mickey “Now let me get this straight, you claim that your wife is crazy and therefore you want to divorce her”

Mickey says “No, that’s not what I said!”

Attorney: “Well have right here that you claimed she was “Fuckin’ Goofy”

R53 It looks like Joni is smoking a cigarette and pole at the same time. Oh Joni!

I don’t get it r49 - I tried, I’m dumb.

R57 Willie Nelson is ugly as hell, and you'd only go down on him because he's famous. If you found out he wasn't really Willie Nelson, that would be horrifying.

Haha r58 you starfucker you - thanks for explaining

Mary was worried about the new hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom said, “where the hair is growing is called your monkey and it is sign that you are growing up. I am so proud of you!

At dinner, Mary told her sister, “My monkey has grown some hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “Big deal bitch!, My monkey eats bananas!

Joni is legendary

A little girl comes home from school one day and announces to her mother that she overheard some other kids talking on the playground and now knows where babies come from,

Her mother says “Oh really? So where do babies come from?”

The girl says “Daddy takes his thing and puts it in your mouth, and that’s where babies come from!”

Her mother looks at her and says “No dear, that’s not where babies come from; that’s where JEWELRY comes from.”

Big Lots is having a Bryan Singer Sale: little boys' pants half-off.

Person 1: What is the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Person 2: I don’t know, what? Person 1: “Ah, so [italic]you’re[/italic] the one!

I liked this thread - bumping it tonight cause I ain’t got nothing else happening in this bed.

A tad off-subject, but who remembers the sensational TRULY TASTELESS JOKES books of the early/mid-80's?

Authored by "Blanche Knott."

There was a very recent thread on tasteless jokes, but it was deleted. Muriel is thin-skinned.

R66 - I have 3 from that series -- I should pass them on to my nephews

What's the worst thing about having a colostomy bag?

Finding shoes to match.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his balls... and the bartender says “What’s up with the wheel?” The pirate then replies, “Argh! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

How did Helen Keller go crazy?

Trying to read a stucco wall.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?

A stick.

What are the three disadvantages of being an egg?

1. It takes 6 minutes to get hard. 2. You only get laid once. 3. The only chick that sits on your face is ya mum!

Why don't they have ice cubes in Poland?

The lady with the recipe died.

Q: What do they do to you in Poland if you don’t pay your garbage bill?

A: Stop delivery.

What's eight miles long and has an IQ of forty?

The St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? To avoid getting hearing AIDS.

This joke is obviously a vintage one, as it’s more appropriate for our parents/grandparents’ generation:

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?

A fur coat.

Graffiti: “I'm 10” long and 3” wide. Interested?”

“Fascinated. How big is your dick?”

Let's keep this thread going, DL! We need some jokes to get through the next 30 days...

A Sophie Tucker joke:

My boyfriend Erne says to me, "Sophe, you've got no tits and a tight box."

I say, "Ernie, get off my back."

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, and it's NOT FUNNY.

Father walks into his son's room and says "Don't do that. You'll go blind."

Kid says "Dad, I'm over here!"

I came home from work today and found my boyfriend had hacked into my computer.

He screamed, "You're a pedophile!"

I yelled back, "You're pretty nosy for a 12 year old!"

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino!

I know that it's stupid and old as can be, but it makes me laugh every time for some reason. Joke:

OMG! Did you see the news? It's on right now! Three gay guys attacked some lady in Central Park! Two of them held her down while the other one did her hair!

Please let's keep this thread going! We all need the laughs.

Rodney Dangerfield: "You know what I love in a woman? ME!"

It was all in the delivery.

A penguin is driving across the country when he experiences some car trouble. He takes the car to a garage to be fixed. The mechanic says he'll take a look at it and will have an answer for him in about an hour. While he's waiting, the penguin goes to the ice cream parlor across the street and has a vanilla cone. When he returns to the garage, the mechanic meets him and says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin sticks out his tongue, licks the corner of his mouth and says "Nah. It's just a little ice cream."

Quarantine joke:

My boyfriend called out from other room, "Do you ever get a stabbing pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing it?"

"No," I called back.

He responded, "How about now?"

Love that r92

I invented a new word: Plagiarism!

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There no menu; you get what you deserve.

^There is no menu; you get what you deserve.

Sheesh! Way to ruin a punchline.

R95 Alternately, have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There are no entrees; just desserts.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Here's one for the classical music fans:

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Philip Glass."

What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?

pffttt!

R98 brilliant!

What do hillbilly’s do on Halloween?

They pump kin.

American Indian comedian told this-

What do you get when you cross a Chickasaw, a Potowatomi and a Paiute?

Chicken Pot Pie!

This is a joke from Israel where we are all sheltering in place:

Bibi Netanyahu is so smart; instead of us putting him in prison, he put all of us in prison.

Donald J Trump

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

An old lady walks in her neighborhood every day. Down the street, a neighbor keeps an insulting parrot on the front porch. As the old lady approaches, the parrot begins to taunt her over and over, "Hey lady, you're ugly! Hey lady, you're ugly!"

One day the lady has enough and she knocks on the door, complains to the neighbors and demands that they make the saucy parrot stop insulting her as she passes. The neighbors apologize and tell her it won't happen again.

The next day the lady is on her walk...she sees the parrot up ahead. She gets closer and the parrot says, "Hey lady, Hey lady!" She stops and yells at it "What? WHAT?" and the parrot says, "You know."

What does a blond say when she sees a banana peel on the ground?

"Oh, no, I'm going to slip!"

What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Hey Man! Whatch this!

Love these!

[quote] Hey Man! Whatch this!

Oh, dear!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Natasha Lyonne. Natasha Lyonne who? Just kidding. She’s not here. She’s in the hospital with Hepatitis C.

Is this thing on?

Bobby took his pet cat to school, when the teacher noticed the cat she asked why he brought that cat to school. Bobby said while he was getting ready for school he overheard his father say to his mother "When Bobby leaves I am going to eat that pussy."

A newly ordained young priest is on his way to visit a convent, as he walks through town a women says to him, "Blow Jobs twenty bucks" So when he gets to the convent he asks the Mother Superior, what's a blow job? She says, "Twenty bucks, same as in town."

What's the worst thing about eating your grandmother's pussy?

Hitting your head on the lid of the coffin.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

She answered the iron.

How did Helen Keller burn the other side of her face?

They called back.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put the toilet seat on the stove.

R113 hilarious!

A brunette, a red head and a blond escaped from jail and were running from the cops. As the cops closed in, they approached an orchard and decided it best for each to hide up in the foliage of trees. After the three hid, the cops came up and shined their lights into the first tree.

"Is anyone up there? This is the police!" The brunette went "CAW CAW" like a crow.

The cops went to the second tree. "Is anyone up there?" The red head responded "HOO HOO" like an owl.

They came to another tree. They shined their flashlights up into the dark and asked "Is anyone up there?"

And the Blonde responded

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Coronavirus joke:

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B, back

Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage." Trump asks, "Did I have a big smile on my face?"

The aide answers, "I don't know, sir. The casket was closed."

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible!" he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Six nuns are nude washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.

One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'

An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."

She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"

The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”

A man goes to the doctor and says, ‘Doc, I can’t get these songs out of my head. Last week it was ‘What’s New, Pussycat?’ This week it’s ‘Delilah.’ What’s wrong with me?’

The doctor says, ‘Oh, you‘ve got Tom Jones disease.’

The man: ‘Gee, that sounds serious. Is it rare?’

The doc: ‘It’s not unusual.’

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

Why do women not drink beer at the beach? They don’t want to get sand in their Schlitz.

Why did the midget walk under the lady’s dress? He wanted to see the crack of Dawn.

Bump

What is the difference between a duck? One of the feet are both the same.

Hehe

Two atoms are walking down the street when one exclaims, “I’ve lost an electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?!” The first says, “Yes, I’m positive!”

What did Michael Jackson and pimples have in common?

They both came all over your face at age twelve.

R128 I DON'T GET IT!!

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?

She screamed her arms off

Ugh, R125. Really?!

R134 is Carole Baskin.

Why, yes, yes I am, R135.

R136 Murderer!

I know one that is hilarious, but so racist, I can’t tell it to anyone. The humor is in the shock value. Sorry. That’s my contribution.

We're in the old West. Jesse James and his desperadoes are in the process of robbing a train. Jesse, a fine looking specimen of a man, jumps up into the passenger car, and yells, "I'm Jesse James, and I've come here to rob all the women and fuck all the men!"

One of Jesse's guys says, "Uh, Jesse, don't you mean that you're gonna rob all the men and fuck all the women?"

Before Jesse can reply, an eager male voice from the back of the car calls out, "Leave Mr. James alone! He knows what he wants to do!"

R128 r132 I don’t get it either 🤔

“What is the difference between a duck? One of the feet are both the same.“

This was not my post. But I laughed because I found it a meta absurdist take on the structure of commonplace jokes. It sets you up with a joke in a conventional trope and then turns it into nonsense. Twice. Anyway, that’s my take.

Yeah a joke is lost in its explanation but since r140 r128 r132 asked.

In that vein, then, here's a riddle:

Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A: The Holocaust.

The priest, the minister, the rabbi, the Polish guy, the black guy, the gay guy, the redneck, the blonde, the talking dog and the duck all walk into the bar at the same time.

And the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

What was Sharon Tate’s favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Bacon

What was Sharon Tate’s favorite book?

Charlotte’s Web

At a job interview in the 1950's.

Boss: Well, I see by your resume that you are a fine typist and you take shorthand at 120 words per minute. You're hired. I will give $125 a week with pleasure.

Applicant: Thank you, but with pleasure it will be $175 a week.

Bump.

Aniother gay joke? Cum on guys! I was going to share one too, butt fuck it. 😏

I'm the good time gal that believes in the pursuit of happiness all over town...until I wind up murdered at the amusement park.

R148 You're on the wrong thread. I think you want the 'Teen Movie Tropes' thread!

Q: What's the difference between a magic show and a performance by the Rockettes?

A: A magic show is a cunning array of stunts.

Thank you all. I love these. Great thread.

A devout Roman Catholic finally saved enough money to fulfill his dream- to fly to Rome and meet the Pope.

The first place he goes is to Rome's finest store to buy an expensive suit. He wants to look his best when the Pope makes his appearance on the Piazza.

While waiting for the Pope in his new suit and at the best spot available, he looks with distaste at a smelly beggar dressed in rags nearby.

Suddenly the Pope appears. The man sticks out his hand, trembling with excitement, however the Pope ignores him, goes straight to the beggar, speaks to him quietly, waves to the crowd and goes back into the Vatican.

Crushed, the man turns it over and over in his mind about the Pope not noticing him. He looks at his clothes , thinks about the poor beggar and experiences an epiphany: Of course, the Holiness would go straight to who among his flock needed a blessing.

Filled with a holy spirit , he finds a beggar, gives him his new clothes and insists the beggar give him his. He dons the beggars clothes, heads straight to the piazza and waits for the Pope.

The Pope, appears and comes straight towards the man. The man is almost fainting with in excitement.

The Pope stops before the man, leans into his ear and whispers to him "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck outta here."

Uh-oh. I forgot it's Good Friday and I shouldn't have told that joke. Well, if I never post here again it's because the clouds parted, the sky opened up and I was struck down by a bolt of heavenly lightening.

Now, that's punchline.

Favorite Iowa Newspaper headline:

NEWLYWEDS LEAVE DAVENPORT FOR HOT SPRINGS

Farmer John saved his money all year because he wanted to take a helicopter ride at the county fair. When he got there he found out that it would be $100 for him and his wife. His wife Ethel said: "That's just a waste of money....you're not doing that. A hundred dollars is a hundred dollars."

This went on for five summers. Ethel wouldn't let spend the money. "A hundred dollars is a hundred dollars."

Finally the sixth summer, the pilot said, "Okay - look I'll take you both up for free. But if either of you make any noise or say anything, you have to pay full price."

John says "Great" and he and Ethel get in.

The pilot goes up as fast as he can, he does loops, flies upside down.....does spirals......and not a word from the back seat.

The pilot lands and says: "I didn't think you could do it - the ride is free."

John says: "I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars."

A man who had been married to his wife for 40 years found and egg and $5000 in a drawer, he asked his wife about it and she said, well I have to be honest, when I cheated on you I put an egg in the drawer. He is a little upset but thinks well she only cheated on me once, I guess I can forgive that. Then he asks about the $5000 and she says well when I got a dozen eggs I would sell them.

Whats the difference between a gay man and a microwave?

The microwave won't brown your meat.

This joke is from the 80s when microwaves where new and still being discussed at cocktail parties.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DRIVE BY?

A fruit roll up

Q: WHY CAN’T GAYS DRIVE FASTER THAN 68MPH?

Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Q: HOW DO YOU FIT THREE HOMOSEXUALS ON ONE BARSTOOL?

Turn it upside-down

Q: WHY IS KATIE HOLMES DIVORCING TOM CRUISE?

Apparently, he’s been in A Few Good Men.

Q. HEAR ABOUT THE NEW GAY SITCOM?

“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”

A construction worker is sitting with his friend on a beam, high above the ground. He opens his lunch and sighs.

His friend asks, "What's wrong."

"Peanut butter sandwich again!" the worker says bitterly. "I can't believe it. I am so sick of peanut butter."

"Why don't you just ask your wife too make something else?" the friend asks.

"I make them," the worker replies.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking very put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. Says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5.000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss we are very happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." -- Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. -- Charles Pierce

'You could move.' ~ Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada. ~ Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. ~ Rita Mae Brown

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. -- W.Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. Author Unknown

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. ~ Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain. ~ Francis Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. ~ Rita Mae Brown

And, of course, the ever famous quote: The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a carton of eggs,

a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee,

and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk stood behind her and watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was, indeed, single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A young guy with hair dyed green and yellow and red and orange blue sits down on a park bench across from an old man. The old man stares and looks bewildered.

The young guy says, "What are you staring at, old man? Didn't you ever do anything adventurous in your youth?"

The old man answers, "Yeah, I fucked a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son."

I'm just sitting here wondering how I never noticed that there is a Turd in Saturday.

If a group of gay men and a group of lesbians were racing a marathon from New York to Philadelphia, which group would arrive first?

The lesbians of course - because they'd go lickety split, whereas the gay men would be poking behind.

And a dated one:

"When did kids at Michael Jackson's Neverland know when it was bed time?"

"When the big hand touched the little hand".

Star Wars joke: “What is the temperature of a tauntaun?”

“Lukewarm.”

at a Swiss vineyard , a sign translated into English " Our wines will leave you with nothing left to hope for"!

A man calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. The rancher asks, "How will I recognize him?"

“That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth." he responds, so the rancher shows him a prized filly.

"Nithe lookin’ horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The rancher picks up the midget who gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her earzth?”

The rancher picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe earzth. Can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting rather irritated, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf. Can I see her twat?"

Fed up at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out, and slams him back down on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”

^^^ Hahahahahaha

Did you hear about the zoo that only had one dog? It was a Shi Tzu.

^^^ Must be a pretty good joke.

I've got tears running down my checks from laughing. WW R172!!

(Though at this point, I don't know if R172's joke is THAT funny, or I've just been cooped up for way too long)

Good one R172!

Question: Who is Count Dracula's favorite female singer? Answer: Glad It's Night.

This one is a little old, but here goes:

Two cows are grazing in a meadow. One of them seems a bit uneasy. After a while, she whispers to the other one: "Hey, what do you think about all this stuff going on?" Puzzled, the other one asks what she's talking about. "You know... All this "mad cow" disease thingie..." The other one answers "Oh, I'm a rabbit, I don't give a fuck."

What's the definition of a virgin in West Virginia?

A 12 year-old who can out run her brother.

Bumpity-bump bump bump!

A group of airmen were sitting in a bar discussing their first parachute jumps. One of them recounted how terrified he was. When they reached cruising altitude, the big cabin door was opened and the other airmen began jumping one after another, but he was frozen to his seat and couldn't move. All the others had jumped and he was still on the plane. The big black burly sergeant approached him and started unzipping his flight suit. He said, "Airman, either you jump or this big dick is going up your ass". The others at the table all leaned in...... "Did ya jump?" "Did ya jump?" . "Well" he said," a little, at first".

The names of most states do not end in the letter "a".

The only ones that do are Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Arizona, Nevada, California, Alaska, Montana, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Indiana, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, um, East Virginia, annnnd - Missoura.

How do you know you’re at a gay barbecue?

The hotdogs taste like shit.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.

Charlie, an up-and-coming actor, gets his first Off-Broadway gig, a one-line walk-on. His one line: "Hark! I hear the cannons roar". He practices his line walking around his flat "Hark! I hear the cannons roar", walking to his waiter's job "Hark! I hear the cannons roar", and while taking a shower "Hark! I hear the cannons roar".

Opening night arrives. The director enters Charlie's dressing room, asks Charlie to say his line. Charlie, a bit nervous, gives it his all. "Hark! I hear the cannons roar." The director says to Charlie "Perfect! Break a leg". . Finally, it's time for Charlie to appear on stage. He's cued, walks out on stage and waits. A few seconds later, there are two loud BOOMS. Charlie, startled, looks in the direction of the booms and yells out:

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT‽‽‽

R186 That gave me a giggle even though I could see the punchline coming.

R186 That joke is over 50 years old but it still stands!

I literally LOLed R186 I hadn’t heard that before!

Why did the bicycle have to lie down? It was two tyred.

Back in the day, the ranch hands were showing Georgie Bush how to handle problems on the ranch. They came upon a calf who had its head stuck in a fence.

"Watch this," said the cow hand. He walked over to the calf, slapped its head, fucked it in the ass, and then used wire cutters to free it from the fence. He said to Georgie: "Can you do that?"

George replied: "Sure, but you don't have to slap me first."

Inspired by R182

Hehe. An old one too? I like the Georgie part tho 😂

LOL......I first heard it about GB.....but I have no doubt it's been around for awhile.....

Contributors: I think this thread has been active for a month or so and certainly throughout the early stages of the Covid-19 shutdown. My family, friends and I have got so much laughter and joy out of these jokes. Whether they're sweet and silly or baudy and provocative, the DL humor has assuaged our soul throughout this shit. Thank you and don't ever stop!

What do you call two guys hanging in the window? Kurt and Rod.

More jokes this bad at the link.

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. "Ye gads, matey," says Morty. "What happened to ya?" Sol says, "Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg."

"And yer hand?" asks Marty.

"When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook."

"OK, but what’s with the eye patch?"

"I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye."

"But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop."

"True," says Sol. "But it was me first day with the hook."

Not a joke but I dare you not to laugh.

Well lets see if this works

A cowboy rode into what appeared to be a deserted town, but when he heard music coming from a saloon he stopped, tied his horse to a post out front, and walked inside. He found no one but the bartender there and saw that the music he heard was coming from a player piano.

He put money on the bar and asked for a shot of whiskey. As the bartender was getting his drink, the cowboy asked where everyone was.

The bartender replied, “They’re all at the hangin’.”

“Hangin’, huh? Who’s gettin’ hanged?”

“Brown Paper Bag Pete,” answered the bartender.

The cowboy said, “That’s a pretty unusual name. How’d he get it?”

The bartender explained, “He liked to wear a brown paper bag hat, a brown paper bag shirt, and brown paper bag pants.”

“Sounds eccentric. What’s he bein’ hanged for?” asked the cowboy.

The bartender replied, “Rustlin’”

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "mariposa". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?

A beautiful girl who always wore short skirts got a job at the bread store.

The teen age clerk moved the raisin bread onto the top shelf, so that whenever someone asked for it, she would have to climb the ladder and he could look up her skirt.

The local high school lads heard about it and came in every day for raisin bread.

At the end of a long day, she was climbing the ladder to get bread for a customer when an old man walked in. She looked down at him and said: "Are you raisin?"

And the old man said: "No, but I'm twitching a bit......"

bump

How many mimes does it take to change a light bulb?

How would I know? I left at interval.

Want to hear a Wu Flu joke?

You probably won't get it.

R197 / R198 That video is stupid not funny. Maybe you're on the wrong thread.

A young Nun was out visiting parishioners when she ran out of gas ...

As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

Re Coronavirus, China knew they had a problem. . . right off the bat.

R207 ding ding ding!

A gay guy was down on his luck and hadn't received his stimulus check yet. He asked a friend how he could make some money.

His friend told him he could charge money for blowjobs The gay guy was very excited because he had never done that before.....so he rushed downtown.

He got back a couple of hours later and his friend asked him how much he made.

The guy answered: "It was great - I made 235.25."

His friend asked: "Who gave your the quarter?"

And the gay guy said: "All of them."

Bump

Two lawyers are shipwrecked for months on a desert island. One day they see a beautiful mermaid swimming by, and the first lawyer says, "Let's catch her and fuck her!" Second lawyer says, "Out of what?"

Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says:

"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?

The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".

St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".

He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:

"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".

"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".

Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.

"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.

The fourth nun angrily replies:

"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it.”

Hey, did you hear about the old man who streaked the flower show?

He won second prize for his dried arrangement.

Did you hear the tragic story about the two peanuts on the subway?!?! One of them was A-SALTED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's an old one:

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood.

Q: How does a newspaper article about an Irish social event start out?

A: “Among last night’s injured . . .”

A drunk was in a bar in Liverpool trying to talk to the girls but having little success. He finally came upon two girls sitting together at the bar and talking to each other....

He staggered up to them and said: "Look - you gits are from Cardiff, right?"

One of the girls said: "It's Wales, you idiot."

So he said: "Oh okay, so you two whales are from Cardiff, right?"

[quote]Q: How does a newspaper article about an Irish social event start out?

[quote]A: “Among last night’s injured . . .”

Q: How does a newspaper article about a Mexican quinceanera start out?

A: “Among those injured in the drive-by shooting . . .”

More Soph and Ernie:

I'm playing cards with my girlfriend Clementine. I hear the doorbell and who's there? The florist's boy with two dozen long-stemmed red roses.

I turned to my girlfriend Clementine as I slid to the floor. She said, "What's the matter, Soph?"

I said, "Look at these. They're from my boyfriend Ernie. I'm gonna be on the flat of my back for the next two weeks."

She said, "What's the matter, Soph - ain't ya got a vase?"

You all know, I'm sure, the reason the British redcoats in the American Revolution wore red coats. No? Simple, when they were shot, the sight of their blood wouldn't deter the soldiers behind them.

It's the same reason French officers pants are brown.

The hot new proctologist had just moved to town and all the gay men were excited to get in to see him and wondering how to get his attention. One guy made an emergency appointment to see him, complaining about the incredible pain he was experiencing back there. The doctor had him lie down in his patient gown, legs slightly apart, , gloved up and began his exam. He said, "My God, no wonder you're in pain, there are a dozen long-stemmed roses up in here".

The patient said, "Did ya get the card, did ya get the card!?"

There was a woman who was turning 103 years old. The local newspaper sent a reporter over to interview her about all of the changes she had witnessed during her lifetime.

The reporter asked about all the new inventions she had seen, the wars, and then turned to the subject of her health.

He asked: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

She answered: "Yes three times.....and twice in an Edsel."

A mohel who had been performing circumcisions in his community for over 60 years finally decided it was time to retire. Because he was such an important member of the community, having circumcised nearly every male therein, people wanted to do something to commemorate his years of service. There was much discussion and debate about what exactly to do, but it was finally agreed that a tree would be planted in his honor as a living tribute to him and his work.

You know what kind of tree they chose to plant?

A eucalyptus!

Once, a long time ago there was a mohel who performed more circumcisions than all other mohels. And one day he was talking to a friend of his and the friend asked, "You've performed so many circumcisions, have you made anything from the foreskins?"

And the mohel said that "Yes", he had made a wallet from all the foreskins he had collected.

The friend said, "You've circumcised so many boys, you must have collected dozens of foreskins, and all you have made is a wallet?"

The mohel replied, "I know it's just a wallet. But when you rub it, it turns into a suitcase."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments of stunned silence, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Still more Sophie Tucker jokes from Bette...

"I will never forget it, you know. I had gone to the grocery store for some odds and ends.

I looked around for a suitable-looking bag boy to help me into the parking lot with my purchases.

On the way out of the store I am ashamed to tell you that I was overcome with an attack of passion....and bad taste.

I grabbed the bag boy after he grabbed the carriage. I said "Young man, I have an itchy booty."

He said "Sorry lady, I don't know one Japanese car from another."

what do you call a thankfully legal hot twink?

COVETED -19

Bump, anyone got any other jokes to share? This thread has become something of a go-to for me during quarantine haha

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Q: What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?

A: The Jetsons, you racist!

A COVID-19 patient was lying in a hospital bed. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose when a young nurse came to clean him with a sponge.

From under the mask, the patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

The nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean.”

The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”

The nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK.”

The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”

The nurse could not bear that her patient was so concerned. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicles, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly the man came on the nurse’s hand.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco, and said loudly enough, “Thanks, Ma'am, but I still need to know ‘Are my tests results back?’”

^^^ And tip your waiter.

^^^ I'd ask you to, but it's buffet service only here for the duration

^^^ THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

I LOLed r231

An oldie (pre-COVID version), but a goodie, R231! Thank you for posting it.

What happened to the fat, ugly gay guy?

He had to date girls.

There's a bitter truth to that.

How do you fit 4 fags on a 1 barstool?

Turn it upside down.

Every time I have a cup of hot chocolate I get this stabbing pain in my eye, so I have decide to stop drinking it with the spoon still in the cup.

I am really lazy but I have started doing this new exercise called Diddly-Squat.

They opened a new restaurant called Karma. They don't have menus you just get what you deserve.

Donald J Trump

A man takes his wife to be tested. Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer's’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”

The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”

What’s green and black and blue and hates sex?

The Girl Scout in my basement.

Two scouts from a church troop have one final badge to get before they make Eagle Scout, so they're doing a weekend survival trip to an island off the East coast. A member of the parish, an attorney, is flying the plane, and the Scout Master and the Priest are chaperones. The plane develops engine trouble, and starts to go down, and they discover there are only two parachutes. the Scout Master says, "we should give the parachutes to the boys..their whole lives are ahead of them." The attorney, says," are you kidding? fuck the boys." The priest looks at his watch and says, "is there time.?

What does an Afghan and Yoko Ono have in common? They both live off dead beatles.

Q: What do Picasso and Princess Anne have in common?

A: Blue Periods.

I’m hosting a charity for men with erectile dysfunction

If you can’t come let me know

My Mother informed me today that she now identifies as a man.

I thanked her for being transparent.

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

Knock knock- Who's there?- Elvis- Elvis who?- See, you've forgotten me already

It was much funnier in September 1977

What did George Washington say right after he crossed the Delaware?

He said: Poop poop de doop. Poop poop de doop!

Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?

Because it's finger licking good

what do you get if you cross a poodle with a pit bull?

not much of a watchdog, but it’s a vicious gossip.

I joined a poker game at the local gay bar...

and lost my ass to a pair of queens.

I heard you were looking for a stud.

I have the STD and all i need is U

What did the little black kid down the street get for his birthday?

MY bike.

I watched my first porn movie today...

...jeeze I was young back then.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What's the difference between a dyke and a whale? A flannel shirt.

Why are Mexican funeral processions so slow?

A hundred and fifty beat-up cars and one set of jumper cables.

[quote]What did George Washington say right after he crossed the Delaware?

[quote]He said: Poop poop de doop. Poop poop de doop!

I don't get it.

Why don't Puerto Ricans use checking accounts?

Too hard to spray your name on that little line.

John went to visit his elderly grandfather who still lived in the cabin he was raised in, out in a very rural part of the state. It had been quite a while since they had seen each other, and the two spent much of the first night talking and catching up.

That next morning, John woke up to the sounds and smells of breakfast being made and found his grandfather in the kitchen preparing a feast of bacon, eggs, and pan-fried potatoes. John quickly sat down at the table and began eating when he noticed a film-like substance on his plate and asked, “Grandpa, are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, John’s grandfather made grilled cheese sandwiches, and, again, John became concerned as his plate had specks of what appeared to be dried egg around the rim. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked his grandfather.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now quit fussing and eat your lunch.”

After lunch, John got ready to leave for home. He said good-bye to his grandfather and headed out the door, but when he got out on the porch, he was confronted by a very large dog.

John froze in his tracks and hollered, “Grandpa, there’s a growling dog out here that won’t let me get to my car!”

Grandpa yelled out to the dog, “Coldwater, go lie down!”

^Haha

Q: How do you recognize a happy biker?

A: By the bugs in his teeth.

A woman walks into a Catholic church with her blouse askew, nipples to the wind.

The priest at the door says, "Lady, you can't come into church like that."

"What do you mean?" she says. "It's my divine right."

The priest goes, "Your left's pretty good too, but you still have to wear a hat."

A woman walking down the street runs into a friend who says to her, "Did you know your left breast is hanging out of your blouse?"

"Oh shit," said the first woman. "I must have left the baby on the bus."

From many years ago in SPY Magazine's monthly "Horroscope."

Multi-talented actress/songstress Barbra Streisand was presented to Queen Elizabeth II today wearing a skintight rubber catsuit with cutaway crotch and transparent buttock panels.

Miss Streisand wore a simple pink Empire gown.

An elderly woman stopped in a bar seeking refreshment on a hot summer night. Glancing around, she realized she wasn’t the only one with that idea as the place was quite crowded. She spotted an empty chair at a table where the other chair was occupied by an elderly man reading a book. When she asked if the seat was taken, the old man told her it was not and invited her to join him.

They began chatting about the book he was reading and were soon discussing all manner of subjects. When it came time for the bar to close, they were still enjoying their conversation and decided to continue it elsewhere.

Once back at her apartment, it wasn’t long before these two seniors progressed from sitting and talking on the living room couch to enjoying a passionate interlude in the bedroom.

Afterward, each lying on their backs staring at the ceiling, the old man thought, “Wow, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have taken things much more slowly”; while the old lady thought, “Wow, if I had known he was able to get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”

R272: another version, once again courtesy of the Divine Miss M

I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me, "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box".

I said to him, "Ernie, get off my back."

Q: How did Liberace's mom call him in for lunch?

A: Hey faggot, it's lunchtime!

What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with an Asian?

A car thief who can’t drive.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

Well, I’m not sure what you call it, but it sure can pick lettuce!

What's the difference between a T-cup and a P-cup?

A T-cup is what you drink tea out of, and a P-cup is what Mexican laborers drive.

3 pregnant women are sitting at the doctor's office waiting for their ultrasounds. The first one says, "I believe the old wives' tale about how it all depends on what position you had sex in when you got pregnant. I think I'm having a boy. He was on top when we did it, so I'm sure it'll be a boy."

Second woman nods her head and says, "I'm probably having a girl. I was on top, so I bet it'll be a girl."

Third woman bursts into tears and says "Oh My God, I'm having puppies!"

Hey, have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

Still more Sophie Tucker jokes as channeled through the Divine Miss M...

I will never forget it you know, one night my boyfriend Ernie said to me "Soph, if you could learn to cook, we could fire the chef."

I said to him "Ernie, if you could learn how to fuck, we could fire the chauffeur!"

*******************

I will never forget it you know... I was hangin' out my laundry the other day, minding my own goddamn business, when my girlfriend Clementine leaned over the picket fence. She said to me, "Soph, how come you always know when to hang out your laundry, and don't get stuck in the rain like the rest of us do?"

I said to her, "Clementine, it's a perfectly simple disposition. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is roll over and look at my boyfriend Ernie. If it's laying on the right, I know it's going to be a sunny day. If it's laying on the left, I know it's gonna rain."

Clementine said to me, "Soph, suppose it's standing straight up in the middle?"

I looked at her and said, "Clementine, who the fuck wants to do laundry on a day like that anyway?"

*******************

One night my girlfriend Clementine was walking home and she slipped on a banana peel. Her dress got caught on a nail then completely unraveled as she fell down a flight of stairs. There she lay, quite, quite naked and quite comatose. A passing motorcyclist took pity upon her plight and put his crash helmet over her exposed groin. Then the doctor came and took a long look at her and said "We'll put her in the ambulance, but first we gotta get that cop outta there!"

How does a West Virginia mother know her daughter's having her period?

Her son's dick tastes funny.

Plane is landing in Israel in December, so the Captain gets on the intercom and tells the passengers "to please remain seated with their seatbelts fastened until the plane has arrived at the gate and the seatbelt light goes off."

A couple minutes later he gets back on the intercom, and says, "On behalf of the airline and your flight crew I'd also like to wish the passengers standing in the aisle a Happy Hanukka, and a Merry Christmas to those passengers sitting in their seats."

R282 I don't get it

My anti-racist joke: In some unreal world a Black man, a Mexican man, a Chinese man, a Jewish man, and a KKK man were all sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a genie appears and says she'll grant them just 1 wish.

Black man says, "I want me, my family, my relations, and all my Black brothers ans sisters to return to Africa and to live in peace, health, and good fortune." Poof it happens.

Mexican man says, "I want me, my family, my relations, and all of my Mexican brothers and sisters to return to Mexico and to live in peace, health, and good fortune." Poof it happens.

Chinese man says, "I want me, my family, my relations and all of my Chinese brothers and sisters to return to Taiwan. . .

Jewish man says, "I want me, my family, my relations and all of my Jewish brothers and sisters to live in Israel. . . "

KKK man says, "Let's see. All of the Blacks have moved to Africa. All of the Mexicans have moved to Mexico. All of the Chinese (and other Asians) are gone. Of course the Jews have all moved to Israel.

Hmmm, And I still get 1 wish? I want a jack & coke.

What's so funny is that all of the racists really laugh at this joke, not knowing that they're the ones being made fun of in reality.

Jewish man says, "I

Papa Smurf fucke Smurfette in the ass.

R283 fly into Tel Aviv sometime, you'll see

R286, or fly out of Amsterdam to the US. It must be a stopover from Tel Aviv.

R283, Israelis are not known for following all of the social rules and courtesies like Christians.

Went to a post-church potluck and pool party with a GF. Ages were toddlers up to those in the 70's. No screaming or fighting whatsoever.

Came time to eat. Everyone quietly lined up in reverse order of age. Kids played quietly in the pool until it was their time to get in line.

I was shocked. GF said that all of her fellow church members teach strict manners to their offspring. For example everyone stands up in unison at Sunday School when the teacher or any other adult enters the room.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the bank. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

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Q: Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist?

A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.

^^^ HAHAHAHAHAHA

Trump is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!”

---------------------------

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

A vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up, and, with a shaky quivering voice, asks Dr Fauci:

"How many people is a brazillion?"

Good (2nd) one, R293