Let’s be Irwin Allen’s Coronavirus disaster film.

I’m Gloria Swanson as Myself.

I'm Helen Hayes. All my scenes are in a hospital bed in a coma, but I'm still the greatest actress in the world!

I'm the priest who has lost my faith, but regains it before I succumb. "Please God, take me, not the baby!"

I’m Charlton Heston, the over the top Trump supporter, who dies a painful death, all the while wearing that damned red hat.

I'm Irwin's megatalented actress wife, Sheila Allen, portraying Gloria Swanson's daughter who defies the Motion Picture Country Home rules and sneaks in to see her mother.

At one point I say to Red Buttons, "Doctor, how DARE YOU accuse me of being a DISEASE VECTOR!"

I'm Red Buttons. I'm the waiter/comic relief until I die in the second act after corona-carrier Shelley Winters orders the beef burgandy and sends it back.

Red Buttons plays twins in this movie.

I'm Mickey Rooney, I ate the bat.

Who are the B movie stars that would be in this sort of movie today? Who is our Karen Black?

I’m Stella Stevens. As I’m ravaged with pneumonia, my tits pop out, giving the movie an R rating.

I'm Rebel Wilson swimming like a dolphin underwater to escape the virus.

I'm Shelley Winters.

On a ventilator I'm a very skinny woman.

I'm Miss Juanita Moore as Gloria Swanson's faithful maid, Beebee. I am SO thankful to be wearing an N95 mask, hunnies, because I have to rub her corny-ass feet and this blocks the Frito-like smell.

OP, AKA Karen Black, I’m Lauren Tewes & if this is a cruise, it’s my fucking role. Now get off the ship, you wonky eyed Scientologist. I’ve got coke to do.

Hi! Welcome aboard, I’m Julie! Your cruise director! You’ll be on the Corona Deck, room 19, the Covid Suite. Have fun!

I am Shelly Winters at the buffet eying the potato salad wondering if the sneeze guard will protect me from the Copronavirus.

Im OJ Simpson buying up all the hand sanitizer and selling it on Ebay for 30 dollars a bottle.

Kellen Lutz, Adrian Brody, Christopher Walken, Bruce Willis , John Cusack are all now B to C List enough to be in this. Faye Dunaway would take on the Gloria Swanson role. Neve Campbell, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Rachel Cook would take on the leads for the 90's nostalgia.

I am Dr. Smith sneaking into the bath house one last time during twink night before it closes down for the month.

I'm Nancy Kwan, patient zero traveling to LA from Wuhan, who infected herself by putting a pound and a half of pearl cream on her face.

I'm Julia Roberts coming off my award winning role as Harriet Tubman, Im in my new role as immunologist Dr Anthony Fauci. I will come up with the vaccine that saves the world. Pamela Sue Martin as my brilliant assistant Susan Shelby

I’m Robert Urich playing the nerdy but sexy forensic pathologist while wearing my genuine Qiana polyester slacks that frame my natural assets so perfectly.

We’re Robert Hays and Julie Hagerty praying this does well at the box office and enough people survive so that we can headline a parody movie version in a year and a half.

I’m Ava Gardner and I’m still falling down that goddamned elevator shaft.

I'm Shelley Hack...hack...hack....hack

I'm George Kennedy.

Parker Posey could do the Karen Black part (she's dead you know). Sandy Duncan could be a perky old nun (sort of a bargain basement Binnie Barnes. Lily Taylor could be a bargain basement Sandy Dennis, twitching in the throws virus-induced fever.

I'm Betty Hutton as the semi-lucid, always smiling nursing home resident, leading the other seniors in song, until.....damn that cough is back, I have to sit down and catch my breath, I'll be right as rain in a jiffy!

They don't have the heart to tell me... I'm not gonna make it.

I'm Selma Archerd, cast in a five-lines-or-less role as a wisecracking diner waitress just so Army will mention the movie in his column repeatedly.

Cantinflas AS Coronavirus.

I'm the morning after that's got to be.

I'm the architect in tight leather pants with a drafting table in my orange plush pile carpeted private office.

I'm Lee Grant, with my face so tight it's about to snap and unleash the virus on all you cunts as I booze it up and spew snarky one-liners.

I'm Jennifer Jones, falling to my death from a hoarded tower of toilet paper.

I'm Olivia de Havilland, delivering the line:

"Attention! ATTENTION! This is Doctah SHUSTAH! A swarm of N95 masks has FAILED TO ARRIVE!"

I'm R26. I don't have a fucking clue!

I'm the coronavirus-ridden SS Poseiden torpedoed by the Coast Guard so it won't dock in Miami.

I'm Mary Wickes as the lovably crusty ICU nurse. I was a POW in Japan during WWII, so I'm not afraid of some cockamamie virus.

I'm Helen Reddy as a gregarious singing nun whose struggle to practice social distancing prompts her to serenade herself in the mirror with the haunting power ballad, "When Will We Hug Again (Six Feet Apart)".

I'm Faye Dunaway in glorious diaphanous goddess gown, volunteering my services at the quarantine center. Yes, I'm a tad overdress, but I look stunning amongst these wretched souls.

/overdressed

I'm dithering sisters Marion Lorne, Margaret Hamilton and Mildred Natwick hoarding toilet paper and corpses (Beulah Bondi and Marjorie Main) in our cozy starboard cabin.

OP thanks for this thread. And thanks to all the posters. You have to be of a certain age ( vintage? ) to get half the references so on behalf of all of us eldergays a huge thank you ❤

Hi folks, Sheila Matthews Allen here. I've slapped on a different wig to play the nurse who takes over for Mary Wickes after she buys the farm.

I’m Tuesday Weld, and I turned down a role in this ... just like I did with “Bonnie & Clyde,” “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice,” “The Stepford Wives,” etc. etc. ETC.

When a reporter asks me what drove me from Hollywood, I say, “I think it was a Buick.”

I'm Yvette Mimieux, happy to be sloppy seconds after Tuesday.

I'm Geneviève Bujold desperately looking for my son who broke quarantine and went off bicycling past curfew. Along the way, I stumble upon a seemingly abandoned warehouse where bodies are being held in stasis, ready to be cut up, their organs sold, and their remains turned into nutritious wafers.

I'm Richard Chamberlain, blithely steering the ship into the Bermuda Triangle.

I'm Steve McQueen. No dice if I don't get top billing!

I’m Liz Renay in a black net bikini, picketing for an audition outside Irwin Allen’s office and dancing for the scant reporters.

He draws the blinds.

I'm a cardboard downtown Los Angeles, crumbling away over the weight of fat fucks staying at home in studio apartments.

I'm Lauren Bacall feeling suddenly smug about coffee commercials.

I'm Mia Farrow desperate enough to take any shitty role until I can find a new man to latch onto...

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LATCH ME A NEW MAN?!?!?!?

I’m Bette Davis and I send the script (stuffed in a frozen turkey) back to the producers.

They eventually cast Dina Merrill but it doesn’t quite work, and the role’s cut to ribbons in the editing room.

I'm Shields. I play Mime in an establishing scene at the start of the film. A group of Angelenos are watching my routine in front of an office building. When a secretary in the crowd starts violently coughing, I copy her, to the delight of my audience.

Yarnell sat this one out.

[quote]I'm Geneviève Bujold desperately looking for my son who broke quarantine and went off bicycling past curfew.

I'm Anjanette Comer in the food stamps line, furious that you got the role AGAIN.

I'm Edy Williams playing the Florida governor's slutty wife. I succumb to the virus and die, forcing the governor to change his tune and put the State of Florida on lockdown.

R55 is a desperate woman.

I’m Celine Dion, wearing a MAGA hat, singing the movie’s signature power ballad, “Love Is Stronger Than Death,” at the big rally in front of L.A. City Hall, put on to assure this plague is really a hoax.

The music for my song is John Williams’ last, before succumbing to the virus at his piano. He had to write it. After all he wrote the scores to “The Poseidon Adventure,” “The Towering Inferno,” and “Earthquake.” (True.)

Unfortunately, Celine doesn’t get to finish her performance. In the middle of her encore, her already rail-thin body collapses, and her MAGA hat falls off, revealing her lovely hair is really an attempt at a comb-over with Super Glue.

But it doesn’t affect many of her audience, who were already coughing so violently no one has been able to hear her.

R58 Actually, I’m Celine Dion, who like a handful of ultra wealthy survived by buying their own islands, the ones formerly owned by Jeffery Epstein, and remaining sequestered away from the world for nine months with no contact whats-so-ever with the outside world. I sing a reworked versions of the Poseidon Adventure’s theme song, “There’s Got to be a Mourning After,” which is eligible due to how few movies are made and have songs and becomes the first time the same song wins the Oscar twice in history.

Im Wanda Sykes and play the snarky cleaning lady on the third floor. I accidentally release an ebola infected rhesus monkey out of his cage at the end of the movie leaving an opening for a sequel

I'm Karen Valentine. I'm sensible.

I'm Martin Sheen as the crazy infected person who's just about had it with everything.

I am Annette O'Toole hoping there a a role for me

I'm Madonna as a nun playing the guitar to the young boys in the pediatric ward.

Thanks- that was a good read.

I'm Whoopie Goldberg, saying "Gurl, you did not just sneeze on my cheeseburger."

I'm Martha Raye as the world's oldest candy striper.

I yem Charo as the worls SESSHEISHT condy eshtripper!

I'm Donald Trump, making another film cameo. In this one I play the fucking incompetent cunt responsible for the whole boondoggle. I am lynched graphically by a torch-welding mob and my entire dumb fucking family is split open and fed to lions.

Yes, lions. This is an Irwin Allen film.

Im Angelyne and my balcony suite is carpeted in pink shag carpeting. Im quarantined in my room with Sally Kirkand. We have cameos.......

I'm Sally Field and you gave me a cameo in this film because You Like Me. You Really Really Like Me !!

🎼there’s got to be a morning after . . .

I'm a train that enters a cloud of Covid-19 and crashes.

I'm Lorenzo Lamas as Julio and I play a cabin boy who is secretly schupping many of the woman on the ship,......unknowing spending the virus until its too late

I'm the coronavirusnado.

I’m Charlie Bucket’s grandparents. We’re officially typecast as elderly, bedridden extras.

I'm Peggy Lee giving everyone around me fever all through the night.

[quote]They eventually cast Dina Merrill but it doesn’t quite work, and the role’s cut to ribbons in the editing room.

I'm done to just one line, but it's enough to win me a supporting Oscar. "Oh Purser, purser, you must help us. My elderly aunt has been coughing uncontrollably for the last two hours and can't stop!"

I'm Colin Kaepernick in the role that OJ was supposed to play. OJ backed out after his accountant reminded him that his salary would end up going to the Goldman's. My scene is brief -- as I succumb to the virus I fall from one knee to two.

I'm Richard Chamberlain. I'm a profiteer who's made the pandemic infinitely worse by selling cheap, defective ventilators from China to unsuspecting hospitals.

Is there something for dear Glenn?

I’d love to see her do a death scene, wouldn’t you?

I'm Chrissy Metz. I dive into the ocean to retrieve my aunt's ventilator and never come back up.

I’m Jerry Lewis as patient zero.

I'm helmet hairdos, sported by any actress over the age of 12.

I can stop a dum-dum bullet. Covid-19, not so much.

I'm Olivia de Havilland as Miss Schuster, calmly instructing the students to use hand sanitizer from my intercom when in reality they are all dead in the school's courtyard. When i realize this has happened, I will moan dramatically and arch my entire body balletically.

I am Susan Blakely as Doctor Karen K. Hunt. They have to reshoot all of my scenes because no one on set told me I was reading the files and x-rays while holding them upside down.....

I'm Tom Hanks entertaining the overworked hospital staff with a Henny Youngman routine -- "take my wife, please."

I'm Susan Flannery, blown out the 65th floor window by a particularly violent sneeze.

R82: I'm the tragic music that plays when Chrissy's empty snack purse washes up on the beach.

I’m the goddammit muttered through George Kennedy’s lips every 17 seconds when another person dies.

I'm Stella Stevens, wearing nothing but my husband's shirt, panties and high heels, trying desperately to find my way out of a cruise ship full of infected passengers.

I’m the opening credits with children playing Ring Around the Rosies in eerie slo mo. When they ‘all fall down’ the scene cuts to multiple Chinese people falling dramatically to the floor.

I'm Neil Patrick Harris giving dying men blow jobs on the Lido deck.

I’m Orson Welles as Harry Lime, and I’m wanted by Interpol for selling diluted coronavirus vaccine that ends up being used on innocent children. Children, I tell you!

^^^ After a long chase scene belowdecks, I will finally make my escape to the lifeboats only to go crashing into the sea and be eaten by a passing great white shark.

I'm Peter Lorre as the Viennese microbiologist telling the Trumpian president (a hilarious cameo by Buddy Hackett) "YOU ah a FUCKING EEDyot!"

We are Lorna Luft, Wendy Schaal, Lynn-Holly Johnson and Lisa Hartman-Black Reuniting for another ill-conceived vacation together!

That’s Armageddon!

I’m Myrna Loy, isolated in her house drinking bourbon and a beer chaser.

I'm the ubiquitous Whit Bissell, who had bit parts in 23,000 disaster movies in the 1950s and 1960s. I play the rancher and small-town sheriff who is suspicious of everyone's motives.

I'm Stuart Whitman, the first victim.

I’m Lyle Waggoner, I died killing your character r101. We fought over prime tanning spots on deck, eventually throwing each other overboard into the propellers.

I'm Vicki Lawrence , I'll do anything for a buck .

I’m audience member Matt Damon’s feigned look of amused confusion for the benefit of his wife (played by Maggie Gyllenhaal) that slowly turns to seething contempt directed at the third flirtatiously winking Maureen McGovern Dancer from the left (played by Jake Gyllenhaal).

At midnight, I will become a dead-eyed stare as I pull the trigger of Rico’s gun (now filled with live ammunition) from tomorrow night’s performance of Copacabana which, ironically, would have been said flirtatious dancer’s first time filling in for the role of Tony to Maureen’s plausibly explained, wheelchair-bound Lola.

I will then subtly transform to a look of pitiable anguish as my bullet-riddled, clandestine lover whispers the dying words “I forgive you”, thereby clinching an Oscar nomination for Matt.

Unfortunately, when they announce Jake’s name as the winner, the camera will catch me morphing from amiably supportive to that well-worn, dead-eyed stare, proving once and for all—

I’m Brenda Vaccaro, desperately trying to get home but is paralyzed in customs.

I'm Shirley Jones as the nurse that tends to the victims in the sequel, Coronavirus 2: Electric Boogaloo!

I’m Linda Blair who has to get to LA for a new gallbladder or she’ll die!

I'm Victoria Principal, sporting an afro and scavenging for scraps of food and TP in the ruins of LA.

I’m the family dog who escapes through the front door and fucks up isolation for the entire family. The patriarch dies in his desperate search for me.

I'm special guest star Nedra Volz, living in the subway tunnels of New York after the pandemic has ravaged the population.

I'm the former Miss Nevada! I have a two second cameo where I chirp "This is America and I can do what I want!" Then I walk stupidly into the street where a speeding ambulance smashes into me, spraying my fucking brains across the pavement.

I'm Karen Black and I have to land this bitch of a 747 after both pilots just dropped dead from Coronavirus. My eyes are crossed and I don't see very well.

I'm Shirley MacLaine running around the ship screaming Give her the shot! (Sadly, there is no shot, and nobody knows who she's talking about.)

We are Chrissy Metz and Loni Love fighting to the death over the last jumbo shrimp at the Aloha deck buffet completely unaware there is a virus sweeping through the ship

r113 sadly, we elder gays know exactly what Mrs Greenway is talking about......

I am Pamela Sue Martins red velvet hot pants outfit with the removable maxi skirt

r105 what for, her supply of contraband tampons?

I'm Carol Lynley, love interest for elder bachelor Red Buttons!

R118, that picture was taken when they told Carol that her love interest was going to be Red Buttons.

I'm Robert Vaughn. I play the well dressed man holding a drink.

I'm Vincent Price. I play the campy male character.

I'm the child actor helped off the ladder by the lead hunky actor. I masturbate for days on end.

I'm Angela Cartwright, hoping I get paired with hunky Mark Harmon again for all my scenes.

I am the screenwriter, desperately taking notes here as I try to bring all these threads into a some sort of coherent plot –Knowing that I won't ever be nominated for an award, despite coming up with a script that satisfies more than two dozen of Hollywood's biggest egos!

I'm Faye Dunaway counting the lines of my co-stars to make sure no one has more than I do......the writers will have to come back to add three "Darlings" and one "Yes" to the script for my character.

It will cost Irwin $47,000.

I am Goldie Hawn...people mistake me for a sea monster

R126 I totally see it and now can’t unsee it.

I'm George Kennedy and I'm in this.

We are Susan Clark and Alex Karras playing, respectively, a rising decathlete and her gruff, but loveable, coach/husband. Will coronavirus end their dreams of Olympic glory? Will there even be an Olympics?

R128, yes we know. See R25, R90.

I’m the casting couch the female cast members ‘auditioned’ on. I’m sticky and need a new set of springs.

I'm Eric Shea, and I'm not returning to acting for this piece of crap. Unless I get to hang with Ernie Orsatti.

I'm Jackie Earle Haley, I smuggled my pets, a pangoli (Scaly) and a bat (Nuzzle) unto the cruise ship. I didn't want to leave them behind like my mom wanted. After bathing them together, I join her at the buffet acting all innocent-like. I sneak into the kitchen and rummage for food for them.

I am seen in ballroom spitting in the punch bowl, in the pool doing something not shown, I even go on a tour with the Captain of engine rooms. I survive. So do Scaly and Nuzzle. In the last scene I am calmly walking with pets hidden my jacket.

I'm James Brolin as The President Of The United States because Barbra wanted me to get off my ass and get back to work.

[R131] I'm the fact that you were brand-new this morning and the only one they've seen is Shelley Winters.

[quote]R124 I am the screenwriter, desperately taking notes here as I try to bring all these threads into a some sort of coherent plot...

Oh, there you are! Did you get the memo that Sally Struthers and Patty Duke have joined the cast? They might play sisters, they might play rival trapeze artists.... it’s wide open!

Mr. Allen has asked that you outline 10 ideas for their pairing to be discussed at tomorrow’s production heads meeting.

We only have them for two weeks so their stuff’s shooting FIRST.

Let's see...

1. They are sister who were both secretly dating the male lead prior to his current girlfriend. Neither knows about the other until the big reveal at the end.

2. They are sisters AND trapeze artists. Duke is wheelchair bound after Struthers dropped her because her hands were wet with melted ice cream. Struthers feels guilty, so she terrorizes Duke with... No, wait. That's been done before... Shit. Fuck it -Duke can do a Crawford parody, and Struthers looks like Baby Jane anyway.

3. Throughout the film they are referred to as "trapeze artists" but it's really code for "they swing both ways." Shelly will be up for another lesbian scene. Maybe Sheila can do Patty and then they both discover they caught the bug?

4. Sally and Patty are sisters -but they are adopted siblings. Sally has a torrid affair with Michael Caine, and Patty secretly knows he is her biological father but she stays silent until he dies tragically in the eleventh hour.

5. They are former trapeze stars who were blinded in a terrible accident which happened under mysterious circumstanced. Barbara Eden does a cameo in the flashback sequence. In this film they provide comic relief as they keep touching people inappropriately by mistake, and are always searching for hand sanitizer. Sally's catchphrase is, "Oh, I wish I could see that!"

Part 2:

6. Patty is a big trapeze star, and Sally is her younger sister who had no talent for wearing tight costumes, and has always been jealous of her big (but smaller) sister. She secretly rubs used Kleenex from the ER trash cans onto every surface of Patty's cabin.

7. They play conjoined twins who were born a decade apart. This is accepted by everyone but Eric Shea, who constantly asks them questions, making a pest of himself. They get Ernest Borgnine to cough all over him until he is confined to his cabin as a danger to the ship.

8. Everyone on board the SS Poseidon is near death, and a lifesaving vaccine is on its way. But the ship is so old it doesn't have a heliport! Patty and Sally are the only ones who can save them -by using their trapeze skills to dangle from the helicopter and transfer the delicate vials of vaccine to Paul Newman. Patty goes first, and is tragically killed when she is slammed into a funnel in the high winds. Sally steps up and saves the day, but she is tragically killed when the cable holding her snaps and she falls into the sea.

9. Sally's role is a simple cameo, as she cries over the dead bodies of African children that she was taking on the cruise so that they could be adopted by wealthy Chinese families. She dies of the virus as well, and it is up to her sister, Patty to investigate what happened to her heroic sibling. What she finds is that it was all part of a horrible plot to smuggle uranium to North Korea.

10. Patty plays a famous trapeze artist and her identical cousin. She charms the entire ship until her sister Sally arrives unexpectedly to join the cruise at a later port. She reveals that they have no cousins, and that Patty has become schizophrenic due to her infection and everyone who came in contact with her must be quarantined immediately.

Now, Irwin, about my ideas for the sequel...

I'm Bill Holden -- I should've stayed in Africa.

I'm Mr. Whipple telling the cast and crew they can all go fuck themselves and shit in the shower because there's no more fucking Charmin for within a 50 mile radius.

I'm the fact that the guests at the Promenade Room on the 134th floor, informed that the skyscraper is now in flames, all sigh in relief.

I'm James Franciscus, who just beat out George Peppard for the role of Dr. Anthony Fauci.

I'm Ina Balin. I play an Iranian scientist who has discovered a vaccine for COVID-19 and am ready to share it with the US. But I am denied entry at the Canadian border and detained in a crowded detention cell where I catch the virus and die.

We’re Anthony Quinn and Anthony Quayle. Which way to our trailers?

I'm George Kennedy. I'm the chief pilot of Air Force One, currently flying the plane back to Washington, D.C. after a weekend spent a Mar-a-Lago.

I'm sweating profusely and desperately suppressing a cough, hoping that no one finds out that I like everyone else at that shitty resort has been infected.

Does anyone know if George Kennedy is in this one?

I'm partying on the rooftop before the virus hits, Barbara Eden's warnings be damned!

I'm Mamie Van Doren as Princess Dizzy von Hochstein, an exotic dancer who married Austrian royalty (Maximilian Schell). I am discovered to have a freak immunity to the virus due to my various bouts with myriad social diseases.

I'm a fat ugly white straight middle-aged guy in a shitty ruffled tuxedo front. I spend my two minutes of screen time yelling "you're crazy" at the hero and refusing to do whatever elementary action it is that would easily ensure my safety. I wind up making the audience wish I would die horribly and then I immediately do.

R149 I think you're describing Sean Hannity.

More Alex Jones, except I think that cunt probably has never worn even a shitty ruffle-fronted tuxedo in his life.

Listen, Irwin has put the kibosh on the idea of Sally and Patty as sisters. Patty's managed to clear another four weeks in her schedule, so we're enlarging her role. She's going to play identical twin cousins who haven't seen each other in twenty years, and are reunited on the ship of death. The denouement includes the shock reveal that the second cousin actually died right after the ship left port, and Patty has been pretending to be both cousins. She romanced both Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise, each as a different cousin - but which man still has his soulmate?

Neither. Because one will die before the end of the film (no spoilers) and the survivor will be the one who loved Patty's dead twin. However, they will decide to continue their lives together for the love of their lost mates and to provide a happy ending.

Meanwhile, Sally Struthers' part will now be that of the cocktail waitress with a heart of gold who leaps off the back of the ship and is chopped to pieces by the propellers when she unwittingly discovers she has personally infected more than half the passengers on board. This is made even more tragic when she finds out that Pamela Sue Martin switched test samples with her, knowing she was infected, in order to keep her job.

I'm Pamela Sue Martin, doing my famous twist in the opening credits.

I'm Emma Samms. In a cute twist, I will be playing Pamela Sue Martin's long lost best friend.

The story so far:

During the pandemic lockdown we are focused on people trapped in the world's tallest building and passengers on a cruise ship., along with various stories of scientists and doctors who are scrambling to find treatments. The virus has uncannily been able to resurrect dead actors in order for them to recreate roles they made famous. This being the New Roaring 20s the storyline also includes lesbian sex and much gratuitous nudity, along with graphic violence and gore. This epic film draws on elements from all of Irwin Allen's films and TV shows.

Still to be incorporated: robots, submarines, alien monsters, June Lockhart, giants, and time travel. Discuss.

We are Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lopez. Playing half-sisters and also rival, star reporters for competing media conglomerates. We decide to work together to investigate a conspiracy theory about Coronavirus that seems to be true. Very powerful people want to block our investigation. Lawrence's character is lesbian.

I'm Ava Gardner, getting swept away in the subway tunnel by the oncoming coronavirus, leaving my ex, Charlton Heston to decide to save me or his hot French side piece.

I am a skyscraper covered with obvious foundation-level damage cracks. My sub-basement will be the best place to hide from the contagion. With luck there won't be an earthquake.

[quote]I'm Pamela Sue Martin, doing my famous twist in the opening credits.

Pivot.

PIVOT!

R154 I invented that opening credits spin! That skinny bitch ripped me off!

I'm Julie Hagerty and you have seemed to have forgotten all about me

I am Helen Reddy as a singing, guitar playing nun. I'm entertaining the passengers while everyone around me dies horrible deaths....

R162 Who?

I'm Linda Lavin. I see me as a chanteuse in a nightclub, dressed in a real slinky number, crooning while I sprawl across a grand piano. Whaddaya say? [italic]I like a Gershwin tune, how about you...?[/italic]

R162 You are late bitch, I showed up at R22.

No Idea, [R64].

R162 I’m a big fan. It’s just such a shame I’ve never been able to work with you.

I think we can work Julie Haggerty into any of several storylines. Which do you prefer, Mr. Allen?

1. The Sally/Patty sister trapeze artists? Julie would make a great female ringmaster or a poor cousin who knows all the sisters' secrets.

2. She could be a whistleblower who tries to tell the world about Richard Chamberlain's defective ventilators, but he murders her by throwing her off a rooftop before she can speak to the press. Little does he know she has her full speech in her pocket and it is still readable afterward -even with the bloodstains.

3. She would be excellent as part of the Lorna Luft-Wendy Schaal-Lynn-Holly Johnson-Lisa Hartman clique that is vacationing on the ship. Her death, early in the film, will create a rift between the friends that won't be resolved until the end.

4. How about Faye Dunaways's brow-beaten personal maid, who secretly spits on her makeup sponges and coughs on her brushes? Ironically, Faye will fire her because of her poor choice in clothes hangers -never knowing that she has been deliberately infected. Perhaps we can add a ghostly image of Brenda Vaccaro laughing hysterically at her? Supergirl flashback and all that...

[quote]R169 She could be a whistleblower who tries to tell the world about Richard Chamberlain's defective ventilators

I thought this said [bold]vibrators.

Richard only buys high-quality vibrators, I'm sure...

Richard only buys high-quality vibrators, I'm sure...

I'm Audrey and Judy Landers, playing aerobics instructors at an old-age home who get trapped with the increasingly sick residents during a lockdown.

Ooh! And the only way they can survive is to strip down and oil themselves down with a protective, virus-barrier coating!

I’m Tina Louise, playing the longtime mistress of a high rolling Vegas casino owner, scared she’ll be penniless when he kicks it.

“I’m too young to be without a man, and too old to start again,” (or some such solemn drivel.) She says this leaning on the ship’s railing at dusk, the wind ruffling her hair. Will she jump??

No! She ends up with the doctor who’s treating her dying fancy man, and decides to go back to school as a nurse, her original dream!

I'm two sexy but stupid bitches who panic and run towards the approaching helicopter full of Domino's pizza and toilet paper, causing it to crash into the helipad and explode.

One of me is Asian.

Coincidence? I think not.

I'm Emma Stone and my controversial casting as a Chinese scientist who tries to warn the U.S. about the Coronavirus leads to a huge backlash of the film, but doesn't affect the box office.

I'm Faye Dunaway playing myself in homage to Swanson playing herself in a non-Irwin Allen film, and I start the pandemic by throwing my infected urine on an insubordinate director who WILL NOT bear any resemblance to certain Polish pedophiles.

Just panties. What else do I need?

[quote]We’re Robert Hays and Julie Hagerty praying this does well at the box office and enough people survive so that we can headline a parody movie version in a year and a half. —“Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked wearing a mask and rubber gloves?�

Liza plays the Ethel Merman cameo.

R180 What makes you think Liza’s going to survive this? The poor dear can barely even turn off a light?

I'm Gopher from the Love Boat, a businessman from Omaha in LA for the big convention. He meets a hooker with a heart of gold played by Tanya Roberts. She gets the virus and Gopher nurses her back to health, so she quits her hooking. Then they bump uglies and she gives him the clap! TWIST ENDING, BITCHES!!!!

I'm Rock Hudson, playing a gruff MAGA type who hates "chinks" and blames them for the virus....until his prejudice is cured by falling for a pretty Chinese-American nurse (Nancy Kwan)

Ernest Borgnine as the toilet paper hoarder who gets his comeuppance in the end when he's crushed by a huge stack of Quilted Northern

John Saxon as the evil Senator who dumps all his stocks before the disaster, while reassuring Americans that everything will be okay

I'm the decadent orgy consisting of nearly eight - maybe nine! - fifty-somethings yukking it up over highballs, contemptuous of the vast tidal-wave of virus about to destroy our Styrofoam set.

I am the creature who first spread the pandemic to carry out Madame Sin's diabolical plan to rule the world.

I'm Jennifer Jones as a rich bitch socialite who's buying all the hand sanitizer so the little people can't buy any

We are Christopher Norris and Laurette Spang as the perky mini skirted stewardesses stuck on the Coronavirus ravaged flight flown by the cross eyed head stew. Our pastel colored face masks are all the rage!

I’m Madonna and I’m stuck on a yacht in the Mediterranean with a clutch of rich white people who all the have the virus and no port will allow us entry!

I'm Joyce Bulifant as the government employee deemed "essential," but keeps crying that she wants to go home and be with her kids. As she is sent out as a Disaster Service Worker to assist in transporting sick senior to a makeshift medical facility, she discovers that one of the patients is her ex-mother-in-law, who is in desperate need of medical attention.

George Kennedy as "Dan Raul" a right-wing senator who tells everyone the virus is a hoax, only to be infected himself

Is there a cameo possibility for Joyce DeWitt?

[quote]Is there a cameo possibility for Joyce DeWitt?

Only if it doesn't interfere with her performing Shakespeare!

You know, she was getting ready to perform Shakespeare when "Three's Company" called. That was what she was about to do: perform Shakespeare. Performing Shakespeare was what Joyce DeWitt was going to do.

I'm Rula Lenska, because . . .

R194 But it was dinner theatre Shakespeare right, or was it at the Waffle House?

Christ! How many parts does George Kennedy have in this damn production???

Oh, come off it, Heston. You're just jealous that Kennedy has a bigger... part... than you do!

[quote]R195 I'm Rula Lenska, because...

Just a neutral observation... but in that clip, Miss Lenska has the tranniest voice I’ve ever heard on a woman.

Rula actually showed some acting chops in the UK series Take A Letter, Mr. Jones (where John Inman played her male secretary). She would be great as an international businesswoman who mistreats her employees, but gets her comeuppance in the end when the batch of vaccine that she stole from the test lab proves to have an impurity that causes everyone who gets the shot to grow bald and grow chest hair. At least she can continue with the Alberto VO5 hairspray -On her chest.

I'm the world's tallest skyscraper.

I'm in San Francisco.

Let that sink in.

[quote] Rula Lenska would be great as an international businesswoman who mistreats her employees, but gets her comeuppance in the end.

So, she will play Faye Dunaway.

Done!

I’m Joan Crawford taking over Christina’s part midway through the film.

Cool idea, [R202]! Let's have them both play the same part, in alternating scenes. Will anyone notice??

I'm Erik Estrada. I get sucked out of the plane dropping emergency toilet paper to the people on the cruise ship.

And to make up for all of the lame latino stereotypes in the last film where I got sucked out of the plane, this time I'll be playing the role as a black trans woman.

Instead of getting sucked out of cockpits all the time, can't I just get my cock sucked??

I'm Myrna Loy, and I am liquored the fuck up.

I am a powerful Hollywood producer with a string of critically-acclaimed hits, gazing, awe-struck, at the talent and beauty of Shelia Allen as she illuminates the big screen during her rectal thermometer scene before racing to my phone, sanitizing it, and then screaming into it: "Get me Shelia Allen!!!"

At which point Shelia Allen wakes up.

I'm George Hamilton thanks to r101 and r102 fighting to their death I now am the tannest ladies man on board.

Sheila Allen's scene with the rectal thermometer has been cut. Too distasteful in this Very Classy Picture. It's being replaced by her singing and shattering a glass, like she did in Adventures of the Queen. She may also do a duet with whomever we hire this time to dub Carol Lynley.

[quote] I'm Stella Stevens, wearing nothing but my husband's shirt, panties and high heels,

What if your husband doesn’t wear the same size panties and high heels that you do?

She says she's not wearing a bra - but when she's climbing up a ladder later in the movie, you can see the strap.....

I'm the shot of two hands touching through the plastic isolation cover of a hospital bed.

I'm Paul Zastupnevich, hoping for a fourth Oscar nomination for my work on this picture. No false modesty- My work on Poseidon Adventure was iconic. But for this film I'm going all out. The coronavirus will have the most elegant costumes ever!

We're Margot Kidder, Karen Allen, and Brooke Adams. Who's the idiot who put us all in the same movie? Nobody can tell us apart, and we're confusing the fuck out of the audience.

Oh, didn't they tell you?? As a money-saving measure, Irwin has cast all three of you in the same role, each doing 1/3 of your character's scenes. That way he can add three big NAMES to the poster, on one salary! The Master of Disaster is notoriously cheap...

[quote]We're Audrey and Judy Landers, playing aerobics instructors at an old-age home who get trapped with the increasingly sick residents during a lockdown.

We're Burt Mustin, Charles Lane, and William Demarest, and we'd forgotten what it's like to spring a boner till now!

[R218] That's just one of the many stories told in this all-star extravaganza! The men in the old-age home all have Viagra, and so they begin banging away -Little knowing that the pharmacy delivery kid was infected with Covid19, and they are infecting each other with every boink. Who will survive??

[quote]I'm Vicki Lawrence , I'll do anything for a buck .

We're the Greek sailors in the engine room. How much is that in drachmas?

[quote]Im Wanda Sykes and play the snarky cleaning lady on the third floor. I accidentally release an ebola infected rhesus monkey out of his cage at the end of the movie leaving an opening for a sequel

I'm the slide at the end of the credits that says ...

THE END ....

... or IS IT?

[quote]I'm Chrissy Metz. I dive into the ocean to retrieve my aunt's ventilator and never come back up.

I'm the blue whale that successfully mates with Chrissy.

Ah, but R219, according to actual preliminary research, Viagra may have a protective effect ...

Cue spinning frame of a front page for a fictional paper, the [italic]Keokuk Daily Chinwag,[/italic] with the banner headline:

[bold]FEEBLE ACRES CONTAGION SURVIVORS: OUR PENIS PILLS SAVED US[/bold]

[quote]I'm Chrissy Metz. I dive into the ocean to retrieve my aunt's ventilator and never come back up.

And I'm the resulting tsunami that devastates Hawaii!

And that tsunami capsizes the ship! See how neatly the plot is tied up?