Bring me.....coronavirus!

Tear down that BITCH of a BEARING WALL ... and put a mobile drive-thru testing unit where a mobile drive-thru testing unit OUGHTA BE!

Is this a testing clinic, or a teenage brothel?

The condolences of every person at the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy are with you.

Don’t flirt, Tina. Standing less than 6ft from some one can be taken the wrong way. Now, let’s have a lovely evening in between wiping our hands and eating with our masks, shall we?

If you can't roll out the proper testing protocols then DON'T DO IT AT ALL!

TINA!

Bring me the Clorox!

Well done OP. A truly appropriate thread.

Why 6 feet? That's almost 1.82 meter. Did they factor the massive bodies of deathfat Americans in this social distancing? In lean Asia, it's only 3.5 feet.

Barbara please! Please Barbara!

If you need anything, ask Corona Ann.

And this drive-in testing center looks like a two-dollar a week furnished apartment in some backwoods town in Chinaaaaaa!

I'll get the centrifuges out on time, ok?

You're going to march yourself, upstairs, and self isolate until *I* tell you to come out!

I can handle...the pox. (but not the coronavirus!)

(Joan gives Christina a 4-pack of Charmin Ultra Soft) Joan Crawford: Oh, and Tina - if you don't get this part, for Chrissakes, don't hock 'em.

Just smack that bitch up!

Again...

And again.

And yes, I washed my hands.

Wash your fucking hands!!!!!!

You were very, very bad to wake Mommie up like that last night. I told you, Mommie has to be beautiful today.

This afternoon she has to see Dr. Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

Darling, I've had to let Helga go.

We're having....bronchial difficulties.

R19 We should make people wash their hands for the length of that video!

And again!

NO MORE PANGOLIN CROQUETTES EVER!!

I LOVE OP AND I LOVE THIS THREAD!

Times are tough. Still, I treat you to some lovely funding for a double-blind study with FDA pre-approval and I get SMART-ALEC BACKTALK.

I think you're UNDERreacting!!!

I should've known you'd know where to find the boys [italic]and[/italic] the biohazard.

Mrs. Haines, If Stephen doesn’t like the rubber gloves and mask I’m wearing I take it off.

R27 Lol.

I love you bitches!

Box office VIRUS!!!

May as well have "Property of CDC" tattooed on my backside!

You’ve always known where to find the Purex And the Clorox.

What are you doing, Tina? Going through my things looking for Clorox Wipes? Making fun of my hoarding of hand sanitizer?

You are always looking at yourself in the mirror, trying to see if you have a temperature. Looking for ways to get people to notice you by coughing and and complaining of body aches.

Why, Tina. Why do you deliberately disobey me by listening to the CDC?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

This whole thread is making me LOL!

I’m not mad at you Millennial vector, I’m mad at the virus.

We'll see how many rolls of toilet paper are in this closet.

We'll see.

WE'LL SEE!!!!!!!!

When I told to call me Covid19, I wanted you to mean it.

You don't know what hard feelings are.....until I come out publicly against your product. You'll see how much hand sanitizer you sell!

"You're a lousy substitute for a President that cares."

All RIGHT. This time we'll make an exception.

You may keep the ventilator AND the inhaler.

Who wants to go social distancing?

I do!

I'LL RACE YOU!

We need to kick this cunt in the vagina bone!

Not a cent, Tina.

Doing a COVID-19 test on your own is best.

I can handle the socks.

TINA!! BRING ME THE MASKS!!!

And if you lose your job, for Christ's sake, don't hock the pearls.

You deliberately infected me in front of a reporter.....A REPORTER!

Dammit, Wuhan is *my* place!

R49 roflmao

Bravo, R49!

This thread reminds me of the DL of yore.

Carol Ann: The economy *has* been hit.

Shhhh!

You think I can't Isolate this damned virus on my own! DON'T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS!!!!

My compliments to your task force on its impeccable reputation.

Because I am not one of your VENTILATORS!

Ah, but nobody ever said SARS-CoV-2 infection was fair, Tina.

I was tested seven times with Franchot, I passed them all.

Ah, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I'm more virulent and more contagious. I will always beat you.

COVID-19! Kung-Flu! Damn ittttt! Carol Ann I've asked you to call it coronavirus! And for Christ's Sake, get it OUT of the gardennn!

COVID-19 drove Al Steele to his grave and now it's trying to pass on to me? FORGET IT! I fought the Spanish Flu for years. I know how to win the hard way!

Joan: You’re coughing again, Tina Darling.

Tina: It’s not fair, you are older than I am and you’ve already avoided the Spanish Flu and the Clap.

Joan: Ah, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I’m more vaccinated and hydrated and I will always beat a viral infection.

Tina: Then I’m not going to wash my hands or cough into my elbow.....EVER!!!

Please just a bunch of sissies all of you

SARS? I can handle to SARS.

MORE!

Coronavirus - that’s what he calls you when he can’t remember your name is COVID-19!

What's surgical masks doing in THIS CLOSET?! Answer me! I buy you beautiful respirators and you hoard them like they're some kind of dishrags. You do!!

I’ve fought worse monsters than you for years. I know how to win the hard way.

Why is it that this market has NO. TOILET. PAPER. EVER!!!!!!

Pepsi and vodka - my own hand sanitizer.

A small programming note. Joan Crawford was a proud resident of Brentwood. That's Brentwood, Los Angeles. Brentwood, CA is its own city near San Francisco.

And I lived in the BIGGEST house in Brentwood.

"Wipe your ass with your red weirdo!"

"God, why did you have to kill off the Italians? God, why did you make bats edible? God, why is the American President such a moron?"

"Well the CDC is a remarkable place if you stop to think about it."

Joan: You know what's missing in my life?

Greg: A global pandemic.

I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the pathogens!

"You've got everything you want."

"I don't. I want a roll of toilet paper."

Fans should know the price you pay...

Mercedes McCambridge: I'm going to kill you...

Joan: Not if I infect you first.

We should schedule a real time viewing of Mommie Dearest. I'm about to watch it for only the second time.

Trump must have immunity, probably all bad people have immunity.

I want a roll of toilet paper too...and a candy bar.

Trump Press Conference on TV...

Christina: Turn it off. Turn it off.

BOXOFFICE VIRUS!

(Oscar night)

“GOD I HATE THIS NIGHT! I wish I DID have Coronavirus, I wish I was RAGING MAD with shortness of breath AND a high fever so I wouldn’t even have to even listen!”

“And the winner is...JOAN CRAWFORD for Mildred Pierce!”

(Addressing crowd of reporters from her front steps)

“I would rather be here infecting you than anywhere else in the world!”

(Reporters disperse, spread COVID-19 throughout their newsrooms, and half the Hollywood press corps dies)

CLASSIC

I'd have rather cut off your hand!

r85 see r32

[quote]This ain't my first time at the CDC!

Oh, believe me, Joan. I know.

[quote]Why 6 feet? That's almost 1.82 meter. Did they factor the massive bodies of deathfat Americans in this social distancing? In lean Asia, it's only 3.5 feet.

"I AM lean! It's the social distances that grew big!"

-Gloria Swanson

"Well, with all that hand sanitizer, something good had to rub off."

I should've known you'd know where to find the hand sanitizer AND the toilet paper.

More, MORE!

These times + Joan movie title = SUDDEN FEAR

New superhero:

Harriet Craig

But they ARE plastic slipcovers, Bitches, they ARE!!!

Very handy in a pandemic, just so you know. Mamacita wipes them down with ammonia twice a day.

Excerpts from “My Way of Life with Coronavirus”:

“One year when I had a terrible coronavirus that threatened to ruin my whole winter, I went down to Jamaica, soaked up sun and salt water, and was completely cured in two days.”

“I’ve persuaded myself that I hate things that are bad for me—fattening food, late nights, loud and aggressive people, my daughter Tina, and COVID-19 head the list. I’m friends with myself, so I quarantine myself from those things otherwise I couldn’t be good for others.”

“Find your own style of surgical masks and rubber gloves and stick to it.”

Since I took over my beloved Pally’s seat on the board of directors of United Airlines, we’ve instituted a zero-tolerance policy for passengers who display potential Coronavirus symptoms.

Here’s how we dealt with someone who sneezed after boarding a flight to Palm Springs:

[quote]Pepsi and vodka - my own hand sanitizer.

She douched with it - it works faster!

There's still one move in my future. I'm going to build a small house in the country. I don't know where, but away from the city. Away from the coronavirus.

All men should have a dressing room, with a little bed in there. For those times when he works late or has coronavirus.

"I love you, too, Mother, but let's socially distance 6 feet apart."

Joan Crawford in WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CORONA VIRUS?

Should be re-released as a PSA.

Tina: "CarolAnne?! CAROLANNE!! Come quick, it's Mommie. I think it's COVID-19."

CarolAnne: "She doesn't have the coronavirus, Tina...she's drunk."

Tina: "Where did all these test kits and masks come from?"

CarolAnne: "They were delivered yesterday. Come on, help me get her to bed."

Tina: "She told me we were EXPOSED!"

CarolAnne: "Stop that. Come on, help me!"

Joan, slurring her words : "You're a lousy excuse for a REAL virologist."

"Why ... did ... you ... INFECT ME?"

"Maybe I did it for a little publicity."

Coronavirus? They should call it coronadavis -- both are lethal.

Isn't it weird that Barbara from Redbook was Marlon Brando's sister and Miss Chadwick is Amy Irving's mother?

R109 And the director of the movie was my uncle.

[quote] Isn't it weird that Barbara from Redbook was Marlon Brando's sister and Miss Chadwick is Amy Irving's mother?

No, not really.

CAROL ANN: They're making your mother take a covid test. Do you know what that is?

CHRISTINA: When they're not sure if they infected you?

CAROL ANN: And do you know how [italic]shameful [/italic] that is for her?

You know where I got this virus from? Batista himself. When I opened the plant outside Havana.

BELINDA: She'll be fine. It was a viral exposure, but completely benign.

JOAN: It's a rotten break for her. This won't affect her job in any way, will it?

"You didn't do it, Jane. The Coronavirus, I got it myself. Don't you understand? I got it myself. You weren't coughing that night...you weren't sneezing."

"Then you mean, all this time we could've been asymptomatic?"

Someone may disagree, but I think this is the most humorous thread there has ever been.

I've been coming to this site for only a couple of years, so I may be wrong.

Also, with 115 posts and only 37 users, it seems to me that the same person is creating most of these.

To this person, I say kudos!! Most of these posts are cleverly written!

“Doctor Crawford, our COVID-19 patients won’t eat. They’re saying the Salisbury steak is raw!”

“It’s RARE, not raw.”

“But they’re saying it’s got all this red juice when you push on it!”

“Darling, rare meat is good for them. Meat loses its vitamins if it’s overcooked.”

“But they’ve had their vitamins today. Pills.”

“Those bedridden INGRATES negotiate everything like a goddamn Hollywood agent. Tell them to eat their lunch. Turn off their respirators until they eat their meat!”.

Get the God damn insurance company to pay bill!

For God's sake, Joan, this is America.

“The real world expects us to protect ourselves in a certain way.“

“That way is breaking my back!”

I sneeze and cough 'till I'm half-DEAD and I hear people saying she's got COVID-19. And what do I get? A DAUGHTER....who cares more about toilet paper than she cares about me!

Hard times is good for people. I tell ya, it is. Would I be where I am if i hadn't had Coronavirus ?

"Oh I know, you're probably sitting there saying, "Isn't that terrible. But what I can do about it?" What can you do it about it?!! You can do a great deal. You WILL give these people their only hope, their ony chance. You WILL help speed the day when acure may be found. You can save a life, a Corona victim's life, and thank GAHHDDD that Corona flu victim is not your own!"

Please stop with the stray, unauthorized JC quotes.

This is a MOMMIE DEAREST ONLY thread ... [italic]the biggest mutha of them all!

She wanted so much to be here in person tonight, but she was simply not well enough. I know she would want me to say thank you to each and every one of you who made this honor possible.

And on a more personal note, I would like to say directly to the coronavirus ...congratulations! I love you, Corona Dearest. Thank you so much!

Joan at the Jerry Lewis Coronavirus Telethon:

“You know, many writers have expressed in moving terms about the tragedy represented by ...(drunken pause)...Coronavirus.

“Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, Colorado, has done it in a moving poem called ‘The Clumsy, Fat, Infected Little Harlot.’

“It goes like this.......

"You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still hooked up to this ventilator!"

"But you ARE, Blanche. You ARE!"

[Pulls plug]

“Why can’t you give me the respect that I’m entitled to? Why can’t you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?”

Christina: “Because, I am NOT. Social DISTANCIIIIIING!!”

This thread is well past its prime.

AMANDA: Girls, for your own protection, I'm ordering everyone to work from home.

CAROLINE: You stupid cunt, the internet is four decades in the future.

Just like you, Joan r128

I want you to LEAVE Metro.

Accepting the virus for Anne Bancroft, who is self-isolating at home, is Miss Joan Crawford.

My N95 mask. Someone STOLE my N95 mask.

JC: It's the scripts, LB! Bad doctors, bad scripts!

LB: Bad with you, good with others.

JC: No, listen to me L.B., I have been BEGGING YOU... begging you for a good prescription. Now you've always given me my share of bad drugs because you knew I'd make them work. Well I can't keep doing it, L.B.!

LB: Joan, listen with your ears...not your immune system.

Will you walk me to my ventilator?

(no answer)

“Coronavirus Royalty.”

No ONE-PLY. TOILET. TISSUE. EVER!!

And you're nothing but a rotten, crooked virus, supplying the grease that makes this shitty pandemic run. You think your lytic viral life cycle's a mystery? There's not a dirty uncovered surface that I don't know about and your RNA is on every one of them you REEK OF IT!!!

Why can't you give me the vaccine that I'm entitled to?!?!

Concerning my hoard stash of N95 masks and Purell Hand Sanitizer, it is my intention to make no provision herein for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina for reasons which are well known to them.

R138- LOL!

GEORGE: No report on the virus would be complete without a description of how one Hollywood family spends this pandemic. So now, let’s all hop onto our imaginary emergency room gurney and whisk away to the home of one of America’s foremost germophobes, Miss Joan Crawford!

JOAN: So very happy to have you with us, George. This is my daughter, Corona...

CORONA: Hello, everybody!

JOAN: And my son, Covid.

COVID: Hello!

GEORGE: All of America knows of your generosity in adopting these two homeless little Petri dishes. And might I say, to all my listeners, they’re beautifully contained.

JOAN: Thank you, George. I feel like Comet mixed in an alcohol bath is a good recipe for keeping their little cooties at bay!

LOL R138

Her name is Christina, but around the house.....we call that little bitch Quarantina!

Some sad fat whore tried to copy this thread, but the original is always best!

You people are so fucking silly and I love you for it. R138 and R139 I'm giggling like a schoolgirl over here.

"All right, Tina, look at me. Dr. Deborah Birx is here from Washington D.C. to do a nasal swab test on me. And I don't want any trouble from YOU."

Deborah, please!

Joan: Come here, Corona Girl! Do you think we should open all of your toilet paper presents now?

Corona Girl: Oh Mommie Virus, please?!?!?!

Photographer: The CDC would like to have some shots of you helping Corona Girl count toilet paper and trying on masks, Ms. Crawford.

Joan: Alright, Dr. Faucci

Corona Girl: Oh No, I have a blood stain on my dress from all the coughing! I’ll have the nurse take my temperature while I get a bleach wipe.

Joan: Oh Corona Darling, that will never show. We will take the photos now and then.....

Photographer: The blood might read, Ms. Crawford.

Joan: Alright, Dr. Faucci. Run along, Corona Darling and have the nurse take care of yet another bloodstain and temperature reading while we wait here for you.......

"Tina, breaching bio-hazard protocols can be...taken the wrong way."

Interviewer: Miss Crawford, do you think the viruses of today are as glamorous and potent as the viruses of yesteryear?

Miss Crawford: NOPE!

Miss Crawford, do you feel that the viruses are as glamorous and have as much depth as they did 10 or 20 years ago?

NOPE!

Joan- “Christina, you haven't touched your lunch.“

Christina -“I am still wearing my mask.”

Girls! Social distancing!