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Let’s Be ‘Patsy Ramsey, Formerly of Boulder, CO: The Musical’

Pineapple, six, squish, uh-uh, Cesarean, “Little Shit!”

...She had it comin', She had it comin'

She only had herself to blame

If you'd have been there, If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 165December 24, 2020 2:03 AM

I'm that dreamy Burke Ramsey.

by Anonymousreply 1February 21, 2020 6:57 PM

I'm the chorus line of 5-year-old "beauty queens" made up to look like whores that will keep this show running.

by Anonymousreply 2February 21, 2020 7:34 PM

The JonBenet case was so weird. If Burke hit his sister in the skull and killed her (the theory which has the most weight), even if on purpose, Patsy and John could have called the police and explained that it was just an accident. A tragic accident.

Instead they plotted an absurd ransom scenario with a two page note littered with Patsy’s word choices and writing style. They both destroyed their reputations, John lost his career and his millions. Was it worth it to lie?

by Anonymousreply 3February 21, 2020 7:42 PM

I'm the love duet between John and JonBenet sung in the basement just before Patsy's big entrance.

JOHN: "When you touched my soul, my cheeks became quite scarlet."

JONBENET: "When you touched my hole, I became a pint-size harlot!

by Anonymousreply 4February 21, 2020 7:57 PM

Right now, he's probably slow dancing at the Daddy-Daughter Dance

With that blond little tramp

And she's probably getting frisky

Right now, he's probably buying

Her some fruity little drink, like a Capri Sun

'Cause she not old enough to shoot whiskey

by Anonymousreply 5February 21, 2020 8:20 PM

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

by Anonymousreply 6February 21, 2020 8:49 PM

If A Girl Isn't Pretty Like Petite Miss Atlantic City

by Anonymousreply 7February 21, 2020 8:52 PM

I’m the garrote. Keep twisting me.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 8February 21, 2020 8:59 PM

i find it hard to mock.

that kid would have been a grown up bitch now if they hadn't done her in, and probably someone we would all love to hate. probably an intern to some rightwing political idiot, and horse fancier.

but she had a right to be so, all the same.

by Anonymousreply 9February 21, 2020 9:02 PM

R9 she could be in Hope Hicks’ kneepads now.

by Anonymousreply 10February 21, 2020 9:04 PM

R9, if you cannot be bothered to use correct English and capitalize your fart-speak sentences, kindly stop pontificating like you're a cross between e.e. cummings and Mother Mary le Twatte.

We shall see that you are removed, if you don't quit your little "precious me" confabulation of the language. "i" alone should have you sentenced to picking the last threads of rotten sinew off the crumbling bones of Our Little Angel.

by Anonymousreply 11February 21, 2020 9:07 PM

I'll kill my own child

And I'll hide it so

My corpse will not be

Just one in row

My corpse will offer clues

When cops come to call

If you have questions

I will evade them all

Come tomorrow you'll that you'll see is JB

Oh, lord what a lie

Let someone question me

And I will file a lawsuit

by Anonymousreply 12February 21, 2020 9:14 PM

JonBenet's 11 o'clock number that leads to the final confrontation with Patsy and Patsy's last solo before the death duet, "That Ungrateful Little Harlot":

Why can't Mamma fuck the judges instead of me?

They're all so old 'n' ugly -- one is seventy-three!

Why can't Mamma be the one to present gash?

I do all the work for just a fucking sash!

by Anonymousreply 13February 21, 2020 9:16 PM

Patsy's big number the next morning as the police fill her house:

Come on-a my house, my house, and slosh coffee 'round the crime scene!

Come on-a my house, my house, mix John's semen with your caffeine.

Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give a you coffeecake to drop on the carpets!

Come on-a my house, my house, get fingerprints on the carcass!

by Anonymousreply 14February 21, 2020 9:26 PM

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER ROUTINE:

I've known about you for a while now

When he leaves me, he wears a smile now

As soon as he's away from me

In your arms is where he wants to be

But you're the one he rushes home to

You're the one he gave his ring to

I never see his face in the early morning light

You have his mornings, his daytime

And sometimes, I have his nights

But does he love you?

(Does he love you)

Like he loves me?

(Like he loves me?)

Does he think of you

(Does he think of you)

When he's holding me?

And does he whisper

(Does he whisper)

All of his fantasies

Does he love you

(Does he love you)

Like he's been lovin' me?

by Anonymousreply 15February 21, 2020 9:39 PM

This could be the perfect comeback vehicle for DL's favorite nose-scrunching shitter-careered rom-com queen.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 16February 21, 2020 9:39 PM

Mama, I'm Dead Girl Now!

by Anonymousreply 17February 21, 2020 9:41 PM

Please a part for Rosie O'Donnell.

She has experience dealing with misbehaving children.

by Anonymousreply 18February 21, 2020 9:42 PM

This is gonna hurt me more than it ever hurts you.

Nevertheless, only one of us is going to wind up blue.

by Anonymousreply 19February 21, 2020 9:46 PM

"I Feel Guilty"

" I Could Have Scrubbed All Night"

"You Gotta Get A Ransom"

"That's How Guilty I Feel"

"Send in the Cops"

by Anonymousreply 20February 21, 2020 9:51 PM

I choked back tears when Joan Crawford valiantly choked some sense into Christina—in that awful portrayal of motherhood. I screamed “Back off, Barbara! We are witnessing a star training a petulant lass who’s showing her ass.”

by Anonymousreply 21February 21, 2020 9:57 PM

Get down in the basement or you and me gon' grapple

Imma go as soon as I finish my damn pineapple!

Sick of yo attitude, yo sass, yo mascara

You ain't queen of this house just because you got a tiara

You a vamp, a scamp and a prepubescent tramp

Imma teach you a lesson down in the basement damp

Imma show you which came first — the stick or the carrot

Wait, bitch, that's no stick it's a motherfuckin garotte

by Anonymousreply 22February 21, 2020 9:59 PM
Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 23February 21, 2020 10:03 PM

Off With Her Head

H is for Harlot

Club Soda Won't Get This Out

by Anonymousreply 24February 21, 2020 10:04 PM

Oh shit, r22!

by Anonymousreply 25February 21, 2020 10:11 PM

"Fat Little Pigs Don't Win Sashes and Crowns."

by Anonymousreply 26February 21, 2020 10:14 PM

Enough about all those alleged "rapes!"

Time to make your carpet match the drapes!

by Anonymousreply 27February 21, 2020 10:15 PM

The death is the close of Act I, not the 11:00. Act II is the best part.

by Anonymousreply 28February 21, 2020 10:21 PM

The Garotte Gavotte is killer!

by Anonymousreply 29February 21, 2020 10:23 PM

John’s solo:

Boulder baby, my little lady, semen on her hand

Pretty eyed, perfect smile, you'd of married an abusive man

Pageant Queen, you must have seen her prancing to the band

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer on my hand

by Anonymousreply 30February 21, 2020 10:24 PM

Gasping harlots in garrotes and big diamond rings.

These are a few of my favorite things!

by Anonymousreply 31February 21, 2020 10:28 PM

"How Do You Solve a Problem Like Jon-Benet?"

"Don't Rain On My Pageant"

"Patsy's Dream"

"I'm Gonna Wash that Spattered Blood Outta My Hair"

"Poor Jon-Benet Is Daid"

"Before the Funeral Procession Passes By"

"Defying Infantcide"

by Anonymousreply 32February 21, 2020 10:39 PM

Shut yo mouth, John, make Burke stop howling

Get yourself together, get me some toweling

Make like Tony Romo, stop acting like a homo

You gotta stay one step ahead of the po-po

if you want to stay outta the pen, well come on handsome

Get sharp, get a Sharpie, gonna pen a note of ransom

Gonna make it look like a pure-D blood transaction

Use my Southern common sense, blame a small foreign faction

by Anonymousreply 33February 21, 2020 10:49 PM

"The Lord Jesus Didn't Make This House Big Enough for Two Bitches, Miss Cunt!"

by Anonymousreply 34February 21, 2020 11:55 PM

"The Gift I Give You is That Now You'll Never Grow Old"

by Anonymousreply 35February 21, 2020 11:58 PM

‘Hard Cock Life’

by Anonymousreply 36February 22, 2020 12:11 AM

Gross, R4 .

by Anonymousreply 37February 22, 2020 12:45 AM

Unfortunately, if this is a smash, we'll end up with "Honey Boo-Boo--The Musical."

by Anonymousreply 38February 22, 2020 12:45 AM

It's time miss local pageant took that smug look off her face!

I was Miss West Virginia, bow down and learn your fucking place!

by Anonymousreply 39February 22, 2020 12:54 AM

Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! You raised sad Lazarus from the dead!

Instead of JonBenet, could you raise some cash instead?

by Anonymousreply 40February 22, 2020 1:43 AM

I imagine something in the vein of "Gray Gardens"--with Christine Ebersole as Little JonBenet and Mary Louise Wilson as Patsy. Big second-act number: "JonBenet Loves my Pineapple."

by Anonymousreply 41February 22, 2020 1:50 AM

Now that Daddy's been in your caboose.

He thinks Mama's now too loose.

Oh, to hell with your JonBenet.

I never loved you anyway!

by Anonymousreply 42February 22, 2020 2:07 AM

"It ain't easy being Betty Draper.

Living with a kiddie raper!"

by Anonymousreply 43February 22, 2020 2:10 AM

"I gave you everything, but he was mine!

But now you're his basement concubine!

You stole my hubby, you little slut!

This time it's 'round the neck, not up the butt!"

by Anonymousreply 44February 22, 2020 3:13 AM

A somber moment in the play is when lil JBR does a solo of the modern country classic ‘Daddy’s Hands’, originally by Ms. Holly Dunn.

I remember daddy's hands folded silently in prayer

And reachin' out to hold me, when I had a nightmare

You could read quite a story in the callous' and lines

Years of work and worry had left their mark behind

I remember daddy's hands how they held my mama tight

And patted my back for something done right

There are things that I'd forgotten that I loved about the man

But I'll always remember the love in daddy's hands

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin'

Daddy's hands were hard as steel when I'd done wrong

Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand

There was always love in daddy's hands

by Anonymousreply 45February 22, 2020 3:19 AM

This is when Datalounge does its best: shockingly inappropriate.

by Anonymousreply 46February 22, 2020 3:19 AM

In “Little Miss Baptist” you’d’ve not be in last place, if you’d tapped a little faster.

Or just been smart enough to give a taste to the judges and our pastor!

by Anonymousreply 47February 22, 2020 3:28 AM

"Finishing the Note"

by Anonymousreply 48February 22, 2020 3:39 AM

Patsy’s opening song to show the outside perfection of her life, broken into a a country club lunch: “Ladies Who Lunch”

by Anonymousreply 49February 22, 2020 3:43 AM

I’m not participating unless we get Sondheim. Anyone know him?

by Anonymousreply 50February 22, 2020 4:42 AM

Can we talk about the title?

Shouldn’t it be “JonBenet!”

by Anonymousreply 51February 22, 2020 4:49 AM

Why not an opera?

by Anonymousreply 52February 22, 2020 4:50 AM

Phone rings, door chimes, in comes JonBenet!

Bling-blings, show times, snare drums, JonBenet!

Tap shoes, blue bruise, pom-poms

High glitz! Charm blitz! Stage moms!

Short skirts, coy flirts, prat falls

And all those trophies on the walls

And all those shows at the malls

Oh, God, the maaaaalls ...

The malls ...

Phone rings, door chimes, in comes JonBenet!

by Anonymousreply 53February 22, 2020 4:55 AM

R50 ‘Broadway Baby’ and ‘ Every Day a Little Death’ would be appropriate, if someone wants to rework the lyrics.

by Anonymousreply 54February 22, 2020 5:35 AM

R51 I would suggest ‘A Slut Is Born’.

by Anonymousreply 55February 22, 2020 5:37 AM

I agree Burke is so handsome and he has gay voice too.

by Anonymousreply 56February 22, 2020 7:35 AM

The First Act Waltz:

JonBenet,

Come this way!

JonBenet, JonBenet,

Come this way!

There are cookies, candies, and Barbies in the basement.

JonBenet,

Come this way!

There are Raggedy Andys, and Arby's in the basement.

JonBenet,

Come this way!

Now, won't that be nice?

Don't make me say it twice!

JonBenet,

COME THIS WAY!

by Anonymousreply 57February 22, 2020 1:25 PM

"Patsy's Lament"

My pussy stinks.

It really do.

My hubby thinks.

It smells like poo.

But she's as fresh as a flower.

Tapping is not her only power.

by Anonymousreply 58February 22, 2020 1:28 PM

I'm the number where Patsy has her epiphany and knows what she must do:

Not one day more

With his tiny whore!

Not another minute

With this little hooker in it.

I’ve had it with her saucy, sexy stuff.

Sometimes "tough love" ain’t tough enough!

by Anonymousreply 59February 22, 2020 1:57 PM

R59 you’re now my favorite post so far

by Anonymousreply 60February 22, 2020 2:42 PM

The haunting ballad for Ghost of JonBenet: “Everybody Knows My Name.”

by Anonymousreply 61February 22, 2020 3:08 PM

R59, could we work the lyrics “saucy little minx” in?

by Anonymousreply 62February 22, 2020 3:09 PM

That subversive, saucy little minx!

Whispering to John, "Mommy's pussy stinks."

by Anonymousreply 63February 22, 2020 3:28 PM

"I Wouldn't Wish Cancer On Anyone (Until Now)"

by Anonymousreply 64February 22, 2020 3:41 PM

I'm the ghost of Jon Benet that opens the musical. Yes. it's a Hamlet rip off, but why not rip off from the best. I tell my brother to watch out for Patsy. He tells me to go eat pineapple. I do it.

Habits are hard to break.

by Anonymousreply 65February 22, 2020 3:49 PM

I'm the "intruder" who broke into the house while the Ramsey family is sleeping.

I was cut out of town.

by Anonymousreply 66February 22, 2020 4:07 PM

I'm Patsy and John's duet, sung as soon as the police arrive:

"We're leaving on a jet plane.

Don't know when we'll be back again."

by Anonymousreply 67February 22, 2020 4:09 PM

- Sing out, JonBenet!

by Anonymousreply 68February 22, 2020 4:11 PM

I'm JonBenet doing her version of Liza's "Ring Them Bells" number during the talent portion of the Little Miss Snowflake pageant:

You gotta turn them tricks,

You gotta turn them tricks!

You gotta make 'em scream when you turn them tricks!

It's such a happy day to see another john pay!

You gotta turn - them - tricks!

by Anonymousreply 69February 22, 2020 4:20 PM

I was too young to die

Time was on my side.

But I flew too close to the flame.

Now everybody knows my name.

As a child I had it all

Til I heard the basement call

JonBenet! JonBenet!

Come down here and play.

Now everybody knows my name.

Mommy! Daddy! Help me please!

Cruel hands won’t let me breathe

I want to live another day

Make the darkness go away

Soon everyone will know my name

JonBenet! JonBenet!

by Anonymousreply 70February 22, 2020 4:22 PM

I'm JonBenet's first solo "She's Just Jealous"

“I’m a nice Mommy,” she’ll tell us.

But no dice. She’s not nice.

She’s just jealous.

Every time I win,

I get that hard grin.

She’s just jealous.

And when I catch Daddy’s eye.

It makes Mommy cry.

She’s just jealous.

But if she makes me choke.

That will be my final joke.

Just wait and see!

She’ll be less famous than me!

Mary Hart will be so zealous.

And Mommy will be so jealous!

by Anonymousreply 71February 22, 2020 4:57 PM

I'm Burke's solos that were cut in Boston after cease and desist letters were sent to the producers:

"I'm Special (The Poo Smearing Song)"

"Secrets Cost Candy, Xboxes, Hookers, and Cars!"

"If I Killed Her."

by Anonymousreply 72February 22, 2020 5:25 PM

My Heart Belongs To Daddy

by Anonymousreply 73February 22, 2020 5:28 PM

One Singular Strangulation

by Anonymousreply 74February 22, 2020 5:29 PM

Patsy: "Wipe Off The Blood, Pick Up The Pen"

Burke: "Sissy's Gone To Heaven (And We Sent Her There)"

Patsy and John: "What's The Matter with Burke"

John: "I'll Never Know Someone Like You (So Tight, So New)"

by Anonymousreply 75February 22, 2020 5:34 PM

"I Saw JonBenet Sucking Santa Claus"

by Anonymousreply 76February 22, 2020 6:44 PM

I'm the FIFTH John/JonBenet number that Patsy bursts in on:

"Will You Still Care (When I Have Hair Down There)?"

by Anonymousreply 77February 22, 2020 7:09 PM

I'm Linda Lavin, brought in to play Patsy's street-smart, wise-cracking mom from New Jersey. I do a sassy song 'n dance numbah with Dectectives Allison. Janney and Lucie Arnaz.

There's a new girl in town

She's not lookin good

No smile, no song for the neighba-hood

Bahda buh bum da BOM

by Anonymousreply 78February 22, 2020 7:24 PM

I'm the moment after the climactic moment in "Patsy's Turn" when the stage splits open and a white grand piano rises with a little girl in a red-white-and-blue cowboy sweetheart atop it.

She turns to the audience and declares, "IT'S JONBENET — BITCH."

by Anonymousreply 79February 22, 2020 7:38 PM

I'm the uptempo number Patsy does in a holiday cardigan with a Christmas Tree and boxes of presents around the waist:

"It's Our Last Christmas Together -- And Your Last Christmas Forever!"

by Anonymousreply 80February 22, 2020 8:11 PM

I'm the duet near the end of the show, which is sung in counterpoint:

John singing "Heaven Needed a New Angel" while Patsy sings "The Lord Jesus Flung Her Straight Into Hell."

by Anonymousreply 81February 22, 2020 8:26 PM

I’m the dark ballet interlude “On the Spectrum,” representing the swirl of emotions and thoughts in Burke’s mind.

by Anonymousreply 82February 22, 2020 10:56 PM

I'm the defiant number where Patsy tells John and Burke to mind their P's and Q's and leave her the fuck alone!

"DON’T tell me not to KILL

I simply have to!

If JonBenet’s in a landfill,

It’s her and NOT YOU!

Don’t let the DA

Down the basement stairway!

I got a garrote.

A big jug of claret.

And the gift of prophecy!

If they indict,

We’re gonna fight!

Till the jury yells, “Baloney!”

by Anonymousreply 83February 22, 2020 11:47 PM

I'm the tender moment between Patsy and JonBenet about John's molestation just before Patsy turns on her daughter and strangles her:

"Baby, it's much too soon

To have a peen inside your poon!"

by Anonymousreply 84February 23, 2020 1:40 AM

Someone set something to “Broads Ain’t People”

by Anonymousreply 85February 23, 2020 1:56 AM

I'm Patsy's number early in the First Act that signals that her growing resentment for her daughter isn't really about John:

See those tiaras along the wall?

I was the one who won them all!

Not Jonenet! She just taps and sings.

I’m the one who pulls the strings.

It’s not important who sings a song

What’s important is picking one that’s not wrong.

It’s choosing the outfit, not wearing it.

I deserve credit, but she’s not sharing it!

by Anonymousreply 86February 23, 2020 2:05 PM

Jonenet! should, of course, be JonBenet!

by Anonymousreply 87February 23, 2020 2:06 PM

You coax the blood right of the mat, Patsy...

You charm the cum right out the dress, Patsy...

You've got the family schemin' and plannin' out a fist to beat the bitch...

The whole law firm's a-hummin' since you threatened to sue everyone...

by Anonymousreply 88February 23, 2020 2:15 PM

R86 I can hear it in my head.

by Anonymousreply 89February 23, 2020 2:16 PM

Here is a (not-to-be-believed) preview.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 90February 23, 2020 3:18 PM

R90 OMG!

There used to be a lot of videos like that on YouTube. They got scrubbed when the parents/coaches posting them realized how people outside the pint-size harlot pageant circuit were reacting to them.

One of my favorites -- for total shock value -- was a you girl (maybe 6 or 7) provocatively dancing to "Boom Boom Boom Let's Go Back to My Room."

by Anonymousreply 91February 23, 2020 3:34 PM

Those parents should be arrested for that, it’s Baby Burlesque.

by Anonymousreply 92February 23, 2020 3:43 PM

I'm the show-stopping number where Patsy teaches JonBenet that her strip tease isn't provocative enough to win:

You can pull all the stops out

Till they call the cops out

Grind your behind till you're banned

But you gotta show some gash

If you wanna win that sash!

You can pop all your seams

Till the judges cream their jeans

Have a little nip-slip

Every time you flip or dip.

But you gotta show some gash

If you wanna win that sash!

You can uh, you can uh

You can uh, uh, uh

That's all been done before!

So ya uh, and ya uh

And ya uh, uh, uh

But you do it LIKE A WHORE!

by Anonymousreply 93February 23, 2020 4:25 PM

R93! Do you want them to burn down the theater?

by Anonymousreply 94February 23, 2020 5:14 PM

I am so happy I don't have kids. Or even like them. That video at R90 is truly disturbing. Not because she likes to dance. Nothing wrong with that. I am not a dancer, but she seems good. But it's so oddly sexualized. Can't she dance with some clothes on? I don't get it. Eh, not my problem.

by Anonymousreply 95February 23, 2020 9:25 PM

In act one I’m a cutesy Mickey Mouse Club style number performed by our pint-sized antagonist at the Little Miss Rockies pageant.

I get reworked into a chilling reprise throughout the rest of the show after the contents of JonBenet’s stomach are revealed during act two.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 96February 23, 2020 9:43 PM

You’ll Never Get to Heaven (If You Break My Hymen)

by Anonymousreply 97February 23, 2020 9:46 PM

I'm her father's big Act 1 number YOU'RE PRE-TEEN, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, AND YOUR MINE.

by Anonymousreply 98February 24, 2020 12:37 AM

John Ramsey comes into his own in this rousing number!

Tots...ain’t people

They’re...just tots.

What happens if you treat one as an equal?

What’s the payoff?

What’s the sequel?

She’ll sink you!

She’ll smash you!

She’ll chew you like a cashew!

If you’re too much of a humble bum

(A humble bum, a humble bum)

You’ll end up being a stumblebum!

(A stumblebum, a stumblebum!)

How can a gentleman block ‘em?

SOCK ‘EM!

POW!

Atta boy!

Tots...ain’t people

They’re...just kooks.

Show them you’re the boss,

And they’ll come across,

No applesauce from tots.

Tots...ain’t people.

They’re...not nice.

They try to mold you like a piece of putty,

And you end up

Kinda nutty!

They’ll con ya!

They’ll clean ya!

And serve you a subpoen-ya!

If you should humor their every whim

(Their every whim, their every whim)

You’ll wind up out on a silken limb

(A silken limb, a silken limb).

How can a gentleman stop ‘em?

WHOP ‘EM!

VISH!

Tots...ain’t human.

Tots...ain’t folks!

To whit and whereas

Give them the razz,

Don’t take no jazz from tots.

Old Pastor Warren

Our patron saint -

He knocked up Mormons

In ways that were quaint.

Hail To Warren!

Take Jimmy Saville!

One of the bros...

He kept ‘em coming

On all of his shows.

Hail to Saville!

Be gentle with a tot and you will lose her.

If you don’t slap her ‘round you’ll just confuse her!

Don’t ever get pal-y

With Suzy and Sally.

Keep givin’ your Annie

A slap on the fanny.

Tots...ain’t people.

They’re...just tots.

If you ignore this law that is eternal,

You’ll be corporal - she’ll be colonel!

Be fearless!

Be ruthless!

A tiger isn’t toothless!

To make her childhood a merry jest

(A merry jest, a merry jest)

Just keep exposing a hairy chest

(A hairy chest, a hairy chest)

How can a gentleman train ‘em?

BRAIN ‘EM!

All daughters are witches!

Too big for their britches!

Beware of the hand which

Puts you in a sandwich!

If you are a Viking,

You’ll be to her liking.

Oh, say, can you see!

What is, has to be!

Tots ain’t people

Like you and him and me!

They’re tots!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 99February 24, 2020 1:32 AM

I’ll be looking forward to JonBenet looking back from heaven for the finale:

I remember it all very well lookin' down

It was the winter I turned six

We lived in a ten room, suburb town mansion

On the outskirts of Boulder

We had plenty of money for food and we didn’t rent

To say the least we were rich

Then Mama spent a couple pennies we had

To buy me a dancin' dress on the black AMEX

Mama had a Stylist wash and comb and curl my hair

And she ordered her to paint my eyes and lips then I stepped into a satin dancin' dress that had a split on the side clean up to my hip

It was red velvet trim and it fit me good

Standin' back from the lookin' glass

There stood a woman where a half gown kid had stood

She said here's your one chance JonBenet don't let me down... Here's your one chance JonBenet don't let me down

by Anonymousreply 100February 25, 2020 7:31 PM

I'm JonBenet singing a very slow version of an old Barbra Streisand song:

"He Touched Me."

by Anonymousreply 101February 25, 2020 8:17 PM

I'm the "Sister Act" Patsy tries to talk JonBenet into doing with her for the talent show at the country club.

I'm also the ungrateful child who commits suicide by telling Patsy, "No."

by Anonymousreply 102February 25, 2020 11:01 PM

I'm JonBenet singing in front the mirror:

I've written a letter to Daddy.

The address is "the basement" below.

I've written a letter to Daddy,

Saying, "I'm not your ho!"

by Anonymousreply 103February 26, 2020 3:53 PM

I Smack A Girl Who Just Says No!

by Anonymousreply 104February 26, 2020 8:29 PM

I’m the scraped plan to revise the ending and have Burke do an Aerosmith cover: “JonBenet’s Got a Gun”.

by Anonymousreply 105April 6, 2020 9:14 PM

THE RANSOM:

I write this in my darkest hour The petal's dead, my daughter's flower. The pen is slanted, the money planted. Isn't Burke a fecal joy enchanted? If I fool you, am I forgiven? Can I back to wealthy livin'? I hated her, that glamour veneer The way John tapped that powdered rear. Oh rapture, rapture come with cancer Or accept the ransom as my answer. To what you all want to know... I killed that little fucking ho.

by Anonymousreply 106April 6, 2020 9:55 PM

R106 BRAVO! BRAVO!

by Anonymousreply 107April 6, 2020 9:57 PM

THE RANSOM:

I write this in my darkest hour.

The petal's dead, my daughter's flower.

The pen is slanted, the money planted.

Isn't Burke a fecal joy enchanted?

If I fool you, am I forgiven?

Can I go back to wealthy livin'?

I hated her, that glamour veneer.

The way John tapped that powdered rear.

Oh rapture, rapture come with cancer.

Or accept the ransom as my answer.

To what you all want to know...

I killed that little fucking ho.

by Anonymousreply 108April 6, 2020 10:03 PM

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn?

Don't I get a dream for myself?

Starting now it's gonna be my turn.

Gangway, world, get off of my runway!

Starting now I bat a thousand!

This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and

Everything's coming up Patsy!

Everything's coming up Patsy!

Everything's coming up Patsy

this time for me!

For me! For me! For me! For me! For me!

For me!

by Anonymousreply 109April 6, 2020 10:56 PM

This board is LAME.

by Anonymousreply 110April 6, 2020 11:27 PM

When I Break That Girls Legs In Two She'll Be - Lame!

(First Number After "We Need A Little Christmas".)

by Anonymousreply 111April 6, 2020 11:38 PM

R110 wouldn’t know wit and humor if it bit her in the cunt.

by Anonymousreply 112April 7, 2020 12:18 AM

Patsy's emotional Second Act ballad

And I Am Telling You....

That Fat Little Whore Is Going....

by Anonymousreply 113April 7, 2020 1:09 AM

I never thought I could love the Patsy character until I heard her sing

I know you hate me, 'cause I'm so pretty

You hate me, 'cause I'm a winner

But I tell you what I'll never be

That's a fat little lyin' sinner...

by Anonymousreply 114April 7, 2020 1:14 AM

I Gotta Be Mean!

by Anonymousreply 115April 7, 2020 2:11 AM

The show must close with Little JonBenet singing "God Bless America" at a beauty pageant in heaven!

by Anonymousreply 116April 7, 2020 5:51 AM

My fave Patsy and JonBenet number

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 117April 12, 2020 7:28 PM

Wow, R22 is the best!!😯

by Anonymousreply 118April 12, 2020 7:45 PM

"Go Away Little Girl"

by Anonymousreply 119April 12, 2020 7:57 PM

R33 too! The best!

by Anonymousreply 120April 12, 2020 8:03 PM

burke is so handsome

by Anonymousreply 121April 12, 2020 8:12 PM

Oh my god, I have tears I'm laughing so hard. This reminds me of the old classic DL threads.

Welcome back, bitches!

by Anonymousreply 122April 12, 2020 9:07 PM

I'm the song John sings to JonBenet, letting her know it's time for her to be a woman:

You wait, little girl, with a pageant sash

For fate to turn the fun on

Your life, little girl, is an empty gash

That men will want to cum on

To cum on

You are six going on forty

Baby, it´s time to play

Better be wild, no longer a child

Baby, you´re a great lay!

You are six going on forty,

Fellows will fall in line

Eager young wimps and leeches and pimps

Will offer you drugs and wine

Totally unprepared are you

To face a world of dick

Saucy, yet shy and scared are you

But you will have your pick!

You need someone older and wiser

Showing you what to do

I am forty going into eight

IIIIIIIIIIII´ll screeeeeew you!

by Anonymousreply 123April 12, 2020 9:56 PM

PATSY'S LAST SONG:

No more mornings wondering what she’ll wear.

No more evenings bleaching that hooker hair.

No more moments pretending to even care.

No more hours watching someone else shine.

All the flowers, all the applause, will now be mine!

From now on, it’s my prayers that get the answer!

From now on, . . . oh, shit . . . cancer!

by Anonymousreply 124April 13, 2020 7:27 PM

I'm not feeling the humor on this one.

by Anonymousreply 125April 13, 2020 7:58 PM

R125 well you’re unfortunately 124 posts too late

by Anonymousreply 126April 13, 2020 8:00 PM

[quote]I'm not feeling the humor on this one.

I've pencilled in a minute in 2027 to try to care.

by Anonymousreply 127April 13, 2020 8:06 PM

I'm the song where Patsy tells John her clever idea for getting rid of the body:

PATSY:

With the price of meat what it is.

When you get it.

If you get it.

JOHN:

Ha!

PATSY:

Good. You got it.

by Anonymousreply 128April 14, 2020 6:00 PM

Im the dream sequence where two ballet dancer, representing Jonbenet and Burke do the interpretive dance of her murder around a giant paper mâché pineapple.

by Anonymousreply 129April 14, 2020 6:20 PM

A foreshadowing song and nod to Sophie Tucker:

"I could make a music master drop his fiddle

Make a bald-headed man part his hair in the middle

'Cuz I'm a red hot mama

Red hot mama

But I'll have to turn my temper down"

by Anonymousreply 130April 14, 2020 6:23 PM

I’m the solo number by Patsy to Burke: ‘Aspie Faggot’.

Listen up here you Aspie Faggot

Your sister is dead cause that pineapple

Well you just couldn’t have it

Now I’ll never get to plan anything but a funeral in a Chapel

So grab that body and drag it!

by Anonymousreply 131May 2, 2020 11:33 PM

Posting just to keep this thread in the line up. Don't have time now but I'll be back t read it all. Such a strange case with Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO the strangest of all. I'm so glad to see her posting here at DL, she always has something cheerful and cogent to add.

by Anonymousreply 132May 2, 2020 11:42 PM

From "Woman of the Year":

You can make a garrote That's wonderful!

What's so wonderful?

You can write a ransom note That's wonderful!

by Anonymousreply 133May 3, 2020 12:47 AM

Only Bad Little Girls Call 9-1-1 On Christmas Eve

Santa's coming to get back your pretty new dress That you've only had for a day Daddy had to tell him what you did And he was not pleased

by Anonymousreply 134May 3, 2020 2:39 AM

"I"m going to strangle that smirk right off of your face."

by Anonymousreply 135May 3, 2020 3:58 PM

“I have written a wicked book, and feel spotless as the lamb.”

The song as they discuss writing their book.

by Anonymousreply 136May 3, 2020 4:35 PM

The song where Patsy reveals to JonBenet what is going to happen to her.

"Tired of your shade.

Missy, we are through.

Sacrifices must be made.

And by that, I mean YOU!"

by Anonymousreply 137May 3, 2020 5:21 PM

You bitches are terrible. I am laughing myself silly.

I’m the innovative set design which has rolling modules of the various rooms. There’s a hydraulic lift that brings a weeping John up from the wine cellar bearing a limp JonBenet. And a trapeze on which John’s deceased daughter from a previous marriage descends to escort her half-sister to Heaven.

by Anonymousreply 138May 3, 2020 5:31 PM

I’m the flashback to Patsy’s glory days as a pageant queen. I’m lit with icy blue lights behind a scrim because, duh, I’m a flashback.

by Anonymousreply 139May 3, 2020 5:32 PM

"Finishing the Note"

PATSY:

Should the kidnapper have a name?

JOHN:

Preston. Hunter. Or Wayne?

PATSY:

No, something really common.

JOHN:

Warren?

PATSY:

No, something foreign.

JOHN:

Maybe Salvadoran.

PATSY:

Or from Bombay? Or The Hague.

JOHN:

Just say they’re foreign.

PATSY:

That’s sounds sorta vague.

by Anonymousreply 140May 3, 2020 6:40 PM

I'm the costume designer. For Patsy Ramsey, we tried to get permission from St. John Knits for her wardrobe. They said no. So my girls ran up copies and for the problematic bloodstains, we used a combination of corn syrup and red food coloring. Seemed to work, especially for the finale!

by Anonymousreply 141May 5, 2020 2:11 AM

Patsy's Last Number (cut after the lawsuit):

"The Lord Jesus answered my prayer!

When I turn, she's no longer there.

It's like I never saw her, never heard her!

With enough Jesus -- and cash -- you can get away with murder!"

by Anonymousreply 142May 7, 2020 2:40 PM

""Dance: Three; Ass: Ten"

by Anonymousreply 143May 13, 2020 5:40 PM

Burke is quite the handsome young homosexual.

by Anonymousreply 144May 14, 2020 1:41 PM

I'm the song Patsy sings in the dressing room as JonBenet is about go on for the talent portion of the Little Miss Snowflake pageant:

"In your perm,

There are flecks of sperm!

Quick! Get that sparkly hat!

We can't have the judges see that."

by Anonymousreply 145May 14, 2020 5:22 PM

I'm the number when Patsy confronts her husband about the Polaroids she just found:

"John, isn't it enough that if find

That you're diddling that brat?

One can put that our of her mind,

But now I find you're both into scat!"

by Anonymousreply 146May 25, 2020 4:33 PM

that should be:

"One can put that out of her mind,"

by Anonymousreply 147May 25, 2020 4:35 PM

What rhymes with stumpet other than trumpet?

by Anonymousreply 148May 25, 2020 5:09 PM

This thread is fucking genius. How did I miss it before?

by Anonymousreply 149May 25, 2020 5:31 PM

Little JonBenet's hair

Now bleached platinum blonde

They look to me and ask:

"Oh Patsy what have you done?"

I say it's from spending the days of summer

In the hot Michigan sun

by Anonymousreply 150May 25, 2020 8:01 PM

I'm 15 year old Honey Boo Boo auditioning for the lead.

by Anonymousreply 151May 25, 2020 8:04 PM

Trumpet ...

Nymphet

Dump it

Like it or lump it

by Anonymousreply 152May 25, 2020 8:04 PM

PATSY:

"Listen, Missy, don't say that anymore.

You're not a 'sex worker' -- you're a WHORE!"

by Anonymousreply 153May 25, 2020 8:45 PM

It happened one night on the basement floor

He was bore, she was whore... I couldn’t take no more!

by Anonymousreply 154June 10, 2020 11:09 PM

I'm John, stopping the show in the first act singing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," surrounded by JonBenet's pageant costars.

And I'm John bringing the house to tears with my second act romantic ballad "Some Enchanted Garrote."

by Anonymousreply 155June 11, 2020 12:15 AM

I'm JonBenet singing my big soliloquy "I'm Gonna Tell."

It's the last thing I sing before I'm offed.

by Anonymousreply 156June 11, 2020 12:53 AM

I'm Jon Benet's ghost singing from the great beyond:

"It Was Her"

by Anonymousreply 157June 11, 2020 2:53 AM

We demand that this musical be cast with people of color.

by Anonymousreply 158June 11, 2020 3:07 AM

"I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say, 'Daddy, NO!'"

by Anonymousreply 159June 11, 2020 6:04 PM

I’m Barry gibb and am trying to decide who gets the reworked version of “Woman In Love” and weighing whether jonbenet or patsy gets to sing the new version of “Guilty” as duet for John to sing.

by Anonymousreply 160October 25, 2020 3:40 AM

‘‘Twas the Night After Christmas”

26th December, Nineteen Hundred & Ninety Six, the Good Lords year.

I put that blonde child to bed in daddy’s favorite, those sexy fishnet sheers.

In vain, I’d explain, how a vagina, after two childbirths, is never the same.

She’d say, “but it hurts”. “JonBenet, just lay still until he spurts”.

Bitch didn’t take heed. Defiant; ingrate; entitled; my little beauty queen rebuffed daddy’s need.

Now she rots. In the ground; Maggot feed.

by Anonymousreply 161October 25, 2020 4:39 AM

For Your Consideration

by Anonymousreply 162December 24, 2020 12:50 AM

I’m the queen in the lobby selling garrote pens, dead Jon Benet bobbeheads, child and adult sized tiaras, poopy ball chocolates and the Jon benet cocktail which is a Shirley temple without a cherry.

by Anonymousreply 163December 24, 2020 1:37 AM

How was this woman ever a beauty queen? Was it judged by a blind panel?

by Anonymousreply 164December 24, 2020 1:53 AM

Silent Night, Hole-y Night

Brat ate my pineapple, gonna be a fight

'Round here no virgins, Mother kills Child

Hole-y opens to let out my bile

Wiping my feces on her chocolates!

Burke the Pooper is Born!

Burke the Pooper is Born!

by Anonymousreply 165December 24, 2020 2:03 AM
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