DL, How Do I Help My Stepmom?

I should also mention that my stepmom attends therapy, so maybe there's something there? Although I don't think it's for her marriage, but I don't know. Please give me suggestions, advice, I don't know just anything to help. Thank you.

Sorry to tell you, but you can't help somebody who doesn't believe they need help.

Until she decides she's had enough, I think you should focus on taking care of yourself. It sounds like you're currently living with your father; maybe you should try to live with your mother instead to get away from the unhealthy environment.

R2 I don't live with either, but they both live about a half an hour outside of my city and so I have to see them at least once a week if I'm lucky.

R2 Shit, I forgot to thank you, sorry. Thank you for your input!

Why do you love him and why do you think he's capable of change? Nothing you have said about him indicates he's deserving of your love or is capable of change.

Extract yourself from their lives.

Next time he attacks her and you are in their home, call the cops. It's a crime and you're a witness. When he is at the police station help her get her things and leave. Before it comes to that, tell her his long history of violence and tell her he is not going to change unless he gets a belated wake up call: like her leaving him, which would benefit them both.

R5 It's hard to explain, but he isn't an asshole 100% of the time, which makes it harder to deal with when he snaps. There are times when he's incredibly loving and caring. But then something small would happen, like I would forget to take the trash out or something, and he'd become a monster.

I don't know. I think there's probably some way to make sure that switch never gets flipped, I just don't know to keep it un-flipped, you know?

R6 He won't physically abuse her around me, just verbally and emotionally. I can't prove for a fact that he physically abuses her but I'm about 70% sure he does. It wouldn't be his first time.

R6 Also, even if there's a chance the police would take it seriously without there being direct evidence of physical abuse or physical abuse taking place before the call, I'm afraid to do it because I don't know how he'd react. He could lash out violently at me, or worse, do something really horrible to her once it's all over. I know it's selfish but I'm scared of what he could do.

There’s nothing you can do. I’ve been there.

Maybe work on increasing her external support networks by getting her involved in a church.

No — there is NO way to make sure that switch doesn't get flipped. And if there was, it still wouldn't be your responsibility to find it.

You sound like a great person and the amount of love and charity you're showing them is admirable, but I think right now you should focus on taking care of yourself, not others. You are not required to try to save people who aren't trying to save themselves.

Yes, it's hard to stop trying to help. Any chance that you can get some therapy yourself? It sounds like this would be a great time for you to get some help, or at least a sounding board as to what is & isn't your responsibility.

R11 I don't know. I know I shouldn't try to help her if she doesn't want help, but knowing how he affects people I can't just let her go her own way with it. I don't want her to have to deal with the baggage that my family has and carry the scars that my mom, my sister, and I carry. There's still time to save her, I think.

[quote] I don't know. I think there's probably some way to make sure that switch never gets flipped, I just don't know to keep it un-flipped, you know?

That's insane. Your dad is shit. And you need some help. Your thinking processes are not right. Trying to make excuses for your dad and asking for help, "how not to make him angry" isn't normal. Your dad has some mental/alcohol issues.

I'm sorry. I come from a crazy, violent family too. But I don't make excuses for them and I don't allow myself to be around them

I hope you are just a troll. Because you have some serious problems and need help if you aren't. You tell us your dad is violent, that he doesn't beat you anymore, he just says shitty things to you (that's not ok). Then you tell us he's loving and a great guy. Because of your fucked up dad, you have a skewed idea of what type of behavior is okay. None of your dad's behavior is okay. I don't know how you think you can help your stepmother. You aren't helping yourself. You need to get into counseling right away

"I think there's probably some way to make sure that switch never gets flipped, I just don't know to keep it un-flipped, you know?"

No. There isn't a way. You can't control other people's behavior, but in an abusive relationship both the abuser and the abusee want to believe that there is. Since the abuser wants to blame the abused party for causing the abuse, and the abused wants to believe they can prevent themselves from being abused, they both assign a false feeling of control to the abused party. But there is no control, the abuser will freak out for whatever reason, reasons that are absolutely not within the control of the abused person, and which neither of them really understand.

Okay, OP, now re-read that paragraph a few times. This is something you have to understand about your father, that neither you nor your stepmother nor any other victim of his can control his behavior, and keep him from going into another rage. The only person that can stop him from going into another rage is himself, and not at present. If he stopped drinking and got therapy there's a possibility that he might be able to stop himself some day, but right now he LIKES to rage and abuse! It makes him feel righteous and powerful, and is the only thing that gives him a feeling of control over his crappy life.

dude, there isn't anything you can do involving THEIR relationship.

from long experience with this (my own mother)--women who return to that have something wrong with them. i am not saying that they deserve to be beaten, but for some reason they stick it out and keep returning, and keep hoping for change. a lot of them were likely abused in their own homes, and believe it is "normal" that a man is violent and angry all of the time, or suffer from severe self-esteem issues.

you can't help her in front of him without her getting upset likely because he takes it out on her even worse after you leave. if you called the police, they would both hate you and then he would take it out on her worse after you and the cops leave.

for one--you don't have to visit them at all. of course, sometimes abusers make everyone around them so agitated because they are trying to drive almost all of their chosen victim's possible support (and witnesses) away. they also engage in brainwashing the victim to ensure that (s)he thinks she "deserved" whatever the abuser did. they also engage in a lot of other brainwashing and gaslighting tactics to manage the victim and make sure they know that no one is coming to save them.

perhaps you should just take her aside and say "you do not deserve this, and i will help you if you want to leave". i would also tell your father you will not endure witnessing such things while you are there. they will still go on when you're gone, but you don't have to endure them. it is ALSO ABUSING YOU to make you witness his attacks on her.

in the end, she has to decide to leave and all you can do is offer a helping hand if she does, but don't be surprised if it never happens.

R15 You make a lot of good points. I've stepped in before and tried to break up some of it, but wether or not it works is also a coin toss. I think she knows she can come to me for help, or at least I hope she knows. She's already aware of the stuff from my childhood/teen years and she's seen him say some shitty things to me, and I've seen glances and looks of disgust and stuff from her, so I don't think she's totally inept to it all. She just has

I don't know. I don't really know how to help and I don't think I can live with myself if I don't try. I just want to give her the support system and clarity that I wish I'd had when he was abusing me and my family.

R16 Ugh, I meant to say she just has trouble recognizing it when she's on the receiving end. Sorry.

Go live your own life. If you sacrifice yourself on the altar of your parents’ crap marriage, all your left with is ash.

And then they die and you have nothing built.

Coming from a "broken" home is irrelevant; just say my grandparent(s) were pieces of shit and they raised my dad to be a piece of shit.

explicitly offer her your support. hell, take her out to lunch or whatever. just giving her time out of that house and away from him and doing normal things and being allowed to be herself helps in the interim, and may help in the longer term by making her realize that she is not disappearing into whatever it is he is trying to make her become.

just tell her you have seen what he does, and it isn't right. she doesn't deserve it. check in with what she is doing for herself. you say she is going to therapy--you can find out a lot more about that, as in "have you told your therapist about him?" she doesn't have to answer you, but maybe it will plant a seed. maybe you should also find out if she has other support people, especially within her own family.

unfortunately, some victims get into the habit of "almost leaving" and wear out their welcome with their own support system. by bailing out during traumatic time, then going back it after it dies down, the victim thoroughly exasperates people. only offer what you can freely give, and that means freely giving something that may not make much of a difference. if you will upset about your time and effort going to waste, or having to go through the motions time and again as some kind of pressure valve which actually enables the abuse to continue inadvertently, you can also wear yourself out.

Walk away from this mess. Put some of the time you would have devoted to fixing a problem that doesn't want fixed (or know that it is broken) toward something worthwhile: learning something new, volunteering, traveling with friends... You'll feel much better for the distance, and take on a different perspective.

Trying to be a parent to your parents is without reward in this case: for you, for your father, for your step-mother.

See them once or twice a year in a restaurant for a lunch or dinner. That way you will have a sense of their welfare and a sense of how little you have to do with it. There's no gain for anyone hanging around waiting for disaster

She made her bed - -

You sound nice, OP. I don’t have any advice, but I wish you all the best, and hope that you are able to arrive at some semblance of equilibrium. You deserve your own happiness, at least.

Why are you still living under your dad's roof?

R24 I'm not, but my parents both live in the suburbs just outside of my city, like less than a half an hour drive, so I feel obligated see them at least once every week and I'll feel guilty/be guilted by them if I don't.

[quote] so I feel obligated see them at least once every week and I'll feel guilty/be guilted by them if I don't.

Suggest you work on that. You've made yourself a co-dependent.

OP I admit I did not read through all the posts but here's my advice: There's absolutely nothing you can do. Your Stepmom has to walk away from this and you can't do it for her. ALSO, you cannot provide long-term comfort or you will be sucked into this and she will be relying on YOU to get her through it. Do not be co-dependent in this. SHE has to walk away from your dad and that probably means walking away from you, too, so that she doesn't transfer her reliance onto you.

OP, you can't fix this although you are smart enough to realize you are trying to be the gallant white knight that you wanted to come rescue you. But she's already told you no. You can state again that she can call you when she's ready to leave and that you will help, but drop it after that. Start finding other things to do than visiting them. Back it visiting to once a month, then once every couple months, and even further. Don't let yourself get sucked in any more. If you feel guilty, it sounds like he is manipulative, another reason to stay away from him....but then most abusers are. They like having their victims around, handy to be used. Being around them is a waste of your time and energy when you should be out living your own life to the fullest. Just be glad they don't have kids.

Crazy how parents can still guilt their kids - no matter how horrible they are. And that kids treated like crap think “I can do something to stop him behaving that way”. It’s so hard to cut off imperfect parents - but like drugs or alcohol, the sooner you do, the more you can accomplish with your life and the longer you have to be happy.

How old are you, sweetheart? Your intentions are good and I fully relate to what you are saying, but everyone here is right: you really can’t help those who won’t help themselves or don’t want to change. And I say this as someone who, like others on this thread, has had to learn from unfortunate experience. You might also consider putting some space because living constantly with other people’s drama you can’t fix is exhausting and depressing. But I admire how caring and idealistic you seem and hope you will not lose those qualities. :)

To revisit my point about both the abuser and the abused wanting to believe that the abused has control over whether they are abused... That delusion not only gives false hope to the abused, it redirects blame from the abuser to the abuse. When that belief is in place, it's considered the injured part's fault for provoking the abuse, not the abuser's fault for using cruel words, threats, or fists!

OP, I suspect that you grew up with a lot of false hope, and that it's still hanging around.

Well, this thread has me crying. I’m going to sink back into my bed and bury my head under a pillow for the next few hours. I have a sinus infection anyhow, so I need to rest and get better.

OP, I relate to your situation 100%. That’s all I can say about that, because I cannot get into details and risk the safety of others.

But there’s no fixing it. It’s their thing and it will never be anything but theirs. This much I’ve learned.

[quote]She made her bed - -

...but he told her to do it again because the hospital corners were sloppy and he couldn't bounce a quarter on it.

OP, the fact that you seem to be making excuses for his behavior and you still "do love him" highlights that you are either co-dependent at best or an enabler at a minimum.

You do nothing OP. If this woman can't or won't do something on her own volition, or walk away from an abusive husband, then there's little hope for her. You've suffered enough because of this man. There's no reason you should continue to suffer when you don't have to.

You're a sweetheart, but I agree with R14 and R15, somehow you're still blaming yourself for your father's behaviour. Finding how to keep him from "flipping" was never your job. I get that you feel you need to do something because you're kind and caring and want to make things better, but it's not your responsability. You've done you part, and more. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

And you absolutely shouldn't let yourself be guilt tripped into visiting every week! I know it's hard to say "no", but you should really try doing it. You don't have to justify yourself, if you don't want to go, don't go!

Did you try seeing a therapist? It could help you a lot.

OP, I don't understand WHY you feel obligated to visit with them or spend time at your dads ?? Them making you feel guilty if you don't is some bullshit! That's just nutty. You need to divorce yourself from this and just have occasional phone contact. Your stepmom will do whats best for her when she is emotionally ready.