Let’s be a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood in ancient Sumeria.

I’m the disappearing Ur-ban decay.

Quick, let me get in here before the thread fills up.

I'm Ishtar-Goddess of sex, pissed off that I told you "Plough my vulva, place my heart" and you STILL turned me into a Goddess of War. Quetzalcoatl was right, humans are hopeless. The only way this planet will survive is if the reptilians take over, before the assholes in charge nuke the place.

Couldn't she have picked a better movie than [italic]Ishtar[/italic] to be named after?

I’m the Assyrians, no longer able to afford to live there.

OP literally lol’d. Great thread and witty answers so far.

I’m the new, upscale organic market called “Hanging Gardens of Babylon”. The kale will set you back 100 silver talons. And the staff is filled with apathetic Millenials (BC).

Can someone please tell me where to get house numbers in Sans-Serif Mid-Century Sumerian?

I'm a Sumerian Mum objecting to the increasing insistence of SSL classes - Sumerian as a Second Language - in my kid's school and its fucking insistence on the value of "multiculturalism" because so many fucking Akkadians are moving in.

^I know what you mean half of them can't even spell cunniform, much less use it correctly. And I thought the Assyrians were as vulgar a semite can be, the next thing you know they'll be claiming that THEY invented the wheel.

Ladies! You’re BOTH old and ugly

I’m the New Age yoga shop down the street, Annu-knock-me. Bring your mat and we are ROCKIN this ziggurat grrrrl!!!

R11 - Mary! It's called irony.

Mary, it's called IRON aged and that millennia away

I’m the old huts with hard-reed floors that everyone wants now. They couldn’t GIVE me away 20 solar cycles ago, but ever since The Hanging Gardens opened the prices of huts went through the thatched roof!

This thread is slow but the quality of the writing more than makes up for it. I'll try not to be too greedy for content.

[quote] cunniform

Oh, dear! You must be an Akkadian.

I am the sacred prostitute that will only accept Venmo payments.

I'm the 650 shekel cardamom Ninhursag's milk latte sold at Starsheckels. Everyone's up in arms over the Zagmuk themed clay mugs accompanying the drinks this year. They say we're taking the Zag out of Zagmuk, if you catch my drift.

I’m the local satrap.

All these newcomers should GO BACK TO UR & GO BACK TO AKKAD. Just because you move to Sumer doesn’t make you a Sumerian.

Admeus, Virgin Rental & Tablet Copying

“They return my virgins soiled. Ass to mouth isn’t sex? These people and their poor writing skills...so timid - barely an impression. “

Don’t worry. You can still get head from the Tranny hookers behind the Great Ziggurat of Ur.

I'm the mid-20th Century (BC) modern. I'm everywhere now.

I do not find the name “Mess-o-Pot Mania” appropriate for the new weed dispensary. Disrespectful.

Some asshole stuck a Sargon of Akkad bumper sticker on my chariot.

We are sex positive. And while you are speaking to the ancients, we're quite disappointed in you.

We are pretty awesome, and love art.

R27 link stink like dung pile.

Sumeria? Sumeria? Is that what the real estate developers are calling it now? Fuck that. It will always be plain old “Sumer” to me.

Annunuki, damn it! Where do these Ur's get off acting like they were the first ones to divide a circle into 360 degrees?

One of them told me the other day Sumeria should be called Ursemia and the "Black-headed people" should be called " People with heads of color". LOL, as if. I swear to Gilgamesh he said, "Let me ax you sumppen?"

I'm not a racist but they should know their place. And Anna Enki, we invented language, is it too much to ask for it to be used correctly?. Is it?

^And don't bother "Oh deering" me. Yes, D-E-E-R. I ought to know, I invented it.

R17 - "cunniform - oh, dear, you must be an Akkadian"

Sumerian Mum nods in agreement.

“Our Roc poop-fired ovens are soooo much better for the environment than your camel poop-fired ovens....”

I’m just glad they found something to keep their homelier stupid children busy. “Fetch me a Roc turd” is the new “you should build a boat on the Black Sea”.

I am Abram of Ur, son of Terah, tenth in the line of Noah. I was there when the tongues were confounded at Babel, I destroyed the idols in my father's house, I survived the fiery furnace of Nimrod. And yesterday, the Most High cast his lot with me. He has given me his covenant. I am to leave the land of birth and go into Canaan with Sarai and Lot. You can call me Dad.

R35. Are you subletting your place?

Damn straight, R36! If the covenant doesn't work out, I'm back. Get in touch with the Sons of Shem Realty. They are handling my properties in Sumer/ Akkad/Babel.

On my pod, is this tune by Carole of JSalem. I'm digging it. "Been so long, I can't remember when...la, la."

I'm Sulgi, don't blame me, I built a fucking wall to try and keep them out. Personally, I don't mind the hot ones, they're great in bed. But I wouldn't want to be seen with one hanging out at the ziggurat drinking barley, ifyouknowwhatimean?

I am the BLACK Egyptian royalty making a visit, whom your descendants will swear never existed in a couple millennia from now

If you're in Caanan, you have to go to Jacob's Ladder, they have the best Manna in Mesopotamia but get there early, when they run out,that's it for the day.

Also very important if you make the trip to New Cannan, stay away from the Greeks, they're hot, but they're nothing but trouble.

Notes from the Road: Real estate opportunities in Harran, Paddam Aram. Low taxes, fertile plain, excellent pottery, good roads, mountain views. Within caravan trek to Damascus, Nineveh, Rehoboth-Ir, Kish. Euphrates adjacent.

Ur and Babel are overcrowded. Move!

Thanks, R40. I'll headed there, and I'll be sure to check out the manna. Jacob? That sounds familiar.

I've heard Greeks suck. Is this true? R40

Only when they are chicken

I'm the Goddess Queen of Ur. Some call me Puabi, some Shubad. Some say I'm Akkadian, some Sumerian. I'm never tell: Elegance is refusal. I'm adored in a headdress of golden leaves and flowers, my statement crescent earrings, and my cape of lapis and carnelian. The arrivistes know nothing about fashion. And the looters won't find me for millennia.

R41–Do you have anything in The Fertile Crescent? Preferably a gated community that is “restricted?”

We are Upper Crescent. Very fertile, R45. It's the Wild East, right now. But mud brick walls are being constructed as we speak. Get in at the bottom, before it's renamed Al-Jahzira in a tongue that doesn't exist yet.

*I'll*

Ever since the Assyrians started moving in, I've had a lot of trouble sourcing all the ingredients for my husband's favorite dish - Gazelle Stewed in Broth and Garlic. The rendered sheep’s tail fat is especially difficult to find.

So annoying.

The landlord is offering me a buyout? Should I take it? (I'm in the rundown ziggurat on the other side of the camel tracks.)

That's not my experience R42, true to form all my Greeks have been anally focused. Tell you something ironic though, I've found Assyrians to be almost all, breast men!

Online Translator Results - Your entered text was : yes darling I'm a whore In the Babylonian Cuneiform Alphabet this is written as :

^^:^<:^

Kisses R50! You sound like fun.

Feed my beast, you witty bitches!

I absolutely adorbs “Hanging Gardens”, R6!!! As I am barren, the hubs was considering divorce and/or selling me into “the first profession”. I started selling cupcakes as a home-based-business to demonstrate my value, but as An is my witness - was harvesting those figs and dates in the field and then bartering for wheat at the market ever getting old! Don’t even get me started on the goat’s milk - ugh!! Now I can find it all in one (overpriced) stop!

It’s really taken off: I’m thinking of opening a storefront down by the temple (only the money changers can afford my sweets), and hubs is even warming up to adopting a cute little Egyptian baby! The “Hanging Gardens Of Babylon” helped me to live my best life! Muuua! 💋

Hilarious

Sumer is icumen in...

Opps, wrong thread, wrong century.

Only sustainably raised humans are eligible for ritual sacrifice.

OMG did you see that queen Puabi on Ur-Paul's Drag Race last night? DEAD!!

I hear Matt Damania has purchased the dwelling at the highest level of the ziggurat. Prices will go through the thatched roof for sure. Have you seen that rabbit-face concubine he has from the south lands? They have many girls, but I have my suspicions he bore them rather than her. Look at his wide hips! They knock clay pots down as he walks through the markets!

Whorehouses and restaurants, that's all there is! Where do I go to repair my sandals and my idols?

I'm the Papyrus store (literally) that just closed.

One more thing. The infidels of Eridu have lodged all about us. They have repaired and limewashed their mudhuts and planted barley grass in front..

And now they are complaining of our cesspit, despite our family being here for 373 years. They have cursed us in the temple cave of Ereshkigal and sought to have us banished to the desert outskirts. They sip their Tigris water and make lewd comments at us, disturbing our goats.

So I have asked my blessed husband to go cut their throats in their sleep and burn their huts to the ground. I shall feed my barley with the powder of their bones. May they writhe in agony in the underworld for eternity's eternity.

Other than that, Mother, we are fine and little Euphertes has a new tooth! Love to Papa!

Your loving daughter,

Shegala

PS Promise to come at the Harvest Festival and I shall give you some of the caftans I'll take before we burn the huts! Some are fit for a queen of Sheba!

Nubia, shnubia.

Anything south of Luxor is Africa. Period.

I'm a candle store. I sell candles that smell like a Sumerian Farmwife's Vagina

I'm a LITERAL farm-to-table restaurant

I cannot believe the trashy names those Akkadians are giving their children all the Lipit-Enlils, Ubara-Tutu, Ninazus, and Eshargamelats. My son has four Yamquzzuhalammas in his class at the edubba!! Four!!

I’m the Ub’ur drivers that are putting donkeys out of business.

“No! We do NOT assist ugly people. You offend me. Go away!”

“Mar, do we have any of that salad left?”

I'm the wine bar

Have you ever noticed that those eunuchs always look like they've just smelled baked honey cakes?

Every time some little thing happens like their daughter gets raped, their son gets speared or their slave hemorrhages after being beaten for laziness, off they rush to the Ur-gent Care.

So needy and nervous.

Kaga ada gua sape yang main drum chickpea.

R70, I wasn't going to say anything about the money -changers, partly because I'm not sure how to articulate it, "needy and nervous", yes, but also a little whiny and there's this weird, mommy- guilt thing. It's like they were all castrated by their mothers at birth.

I'm the authentic Semitic Egyptian royalty that wonders where this black imposter at R39 hails from... oh yeah, it's southeast Africa.

I'm a mathematician who is incredulous that some people STILL believe in invisible sky gods. C'mon people, what's it going to take to let that one go?

Kidding aside. Well done, OP. History should be taught in this manner.

I’m the charming double-wide huts downtown rapidly being snatched up by celebrities like Matthew Brod-Ur-ick and Sarah Jessic-Ur Park-Ur.

We, Sumerians, are the creators of human civilization. You have a reality TV Baby King and are destroying humanity and other species.

You Suck,

Sumerians

R77 I agree, the Akkadians are literally the most embarrassing civilization. I'll hold my nose and say it, they're even worse than the damn Elamites. Can you believe their king Sargon thinks he can conquer us? Don't make me laugh!!!!!

Shoo-in for Best Picture this year: Suddenly Last Sumer.

We’re the latest franchise of upscale circumcision parlors. Relax, enjoy a deep tissue massage, and sip fine mead in our tiger skin-lined waiting room. We use only the finest, sharpest flint to ensure you’ll barely feel a pinch as we lop off your skin and offer it up to the gods. After, rest and recuperate in a Dead Sea bath. Our train of camels carries fresh sea water daily so you know you’re getting the best because you and your freshly sliced cock deserve it.

Why do Kevin Spacey and John Travolta keep groping everyone at the baths? Just bathe in your own huts, guys

Why does the first man in the advertisement in R81 have to have his wrists gripped by the P.A., whilst the second man seems much more relaxed?

Will SumeriCare let me pick my own practitioner for this, or is it out of network? I want the one who clearly used lidocaine first.

I had to purchase three woodcarvers just to make sturdier benches for YOU EAT MY YAK AND GO AWAY.

I’ve never seen so many yakaterians in my years. Huge haunches on every one of them.

The street names referring to our alien overlord oppressors are highly problematic.

I’m the hip temporary work space where the Millenials gather to tap out cuneiform on their tablets. I’m called The Tower of Babel and membership requires a letter from three existing members.

WW for every poster here. I laughed harder re-reading them a 2nd time. Outstanding thread.

Anyone who dares to recite the highly problematic ‘Gilgamesh’ needs to be disembowelled and quartered.

R88, are you a trans-gend-ur warrior?

SPECIAL TODAY!!!!

Prayer Statues on Sale! Two for One!

Let your image stand in prayer before Ishtar for Infinity!!!!!

Our skilled slaves are standing by.

Bargain Prices: Unwanted in-laws, Unruly Children, accepted as barter!

Don’t accept cheap knock-offs from those chainstore Akkadians.

Only the temple whores wear that caftan

All I see are clean shaven faces! What in the gods is going on? I am tired of seeing all these non-bearded faces when I go to my food seller. Also the non-beards think they get free wine refills on a once around the well purchase for platters of dates.

The nerve!

R91, they’re eunuchs. Shhhhhhh.

a caftan wearers paradise

Paano bang chickpea mag potaa paturo nga

I’m Pazuzu, the most feared co-op board member in history thus far.

I blame the whole thing on Sodom In The City.

W&W!

ngentot lo semua yang ngelike gabisa di chickpea aja ye? anjing

jangan ingatin gua soal ava masih gregetan liat chickpea

I don't have an ounce of wit. I did want to bump the thread with something more than bump (for once...sorry)

An interesting article below.

Penn UR

R99 / R100 is demonstrating that even modern languages can be as devoid of euphony as Sumerian most likely was.

R103, Ancient Sumerian was and IS a pleasant-to-hear, easy-to-speak language.

Many of us are working to convert to a world-wide adoption of Sumerian, uniting humanity under one beautiful tongue.

Join us!

Lovely!

Banging my lips together this way makes my mouth red and juicy as a pomegranate trodden by camel hooves.

Now suddenly everything is "Neo-Sumerian"—beer halls, scribal schools, even the chickpea market! Bitch, please, it's all just the same Sumerian as always, whatever the hipsters with their scented unguents imported from Sheba say about it.

Best Thread ever even in cuneiform.

[quote] Sumerian Bump-Ur

Tehe.

“Are you in one of the sun-dried brick units, or are you in one of reed units?”

jennf-ur, we moved to this new compound because it was "clean" and we didn't want to catch the plague from those river slaves.. . .

OhMiAn, you guys: the cupcake storefront down by the temple has been a great success and we’ll be moving into our new two story mud-brick home by the new moon! It’s not quite as we wanted and while we’ll miss the starter thatch hut, at least there’s a room for a nursery and we have room to build out a courtyard in front and have plans to grow grapes on the roof arbor - my home wine biz side-hustle!

Hubs says once we’re settled we’ll catch a reed boat down the Euphrates to adopt!!

Bumping this because I just found out our entire fucking STATE is now under a shelter in place order and this thread always makes me feel better.

It's for the best, R112—the sooner everyone stays apart, the sooner the virus will be under control. Take care, and have a chickpea!

Plague or no Plague, hammurabi, I'm gonna get me some of those cupcakes

Quarantine bump

bumpy