Father Asks "My Gay Son's Open Marriage Troubles Family Members"

Respect everyone's right to decide what they want and how to live.

Alternate holidays entertaining the trio and the daughter/son-in-law and be done with it.

Get a hot tub!

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I can’t imagine talking to my parents in that great of detail about who I’m banging.

But it’s probably just me.

The letter was signed Dan Savage.

I think the father asking the question is also gay and in the closet. I think it would be wonderful if the father and the “third” man in the threesome should get together. That would bring the family together. Also get rid of the father’s frau.

Frankly this sounds like the case of overly accommodating parents with a bunch of shitty, selfish adult kids.

Quite frankly, the other siblings need to leave threesome couple alone. It's none of their business. They can teach their kids to respect others' choices. The adult parents of adult kids have nothing to say or do about it.

This is why we hate them.

No, this open relationship shit is not healthy for kids to know about. You should be over that shit once you have kids and you should be focusing on raising the kid instead of still whoring around.

And the sexual jokes I’m front of family members are inappropriate as well. Why would you even want to make jokes like that in front of family???

Louche, please.

I mean link, please.

[quote] No, this open relationship shit is not healthy for kids to know about.

Kids shouldn’t know anything about their parents’ sexual relationship. Of any kind.

[quote] You should be over that shit once you have kids and you should be focusing on raising the kid instead of still whoring around.

You sound like a frau. Once the crotch droppings come there goes all sex. That’s why husbands look to guys like us.

I would find it confusing as a child. Fuck selfish adults who never have enough.

Agree with r9, a kid shouldn't be exposed to the sex toys (plastic or human) of their parents, nor should they be brought out for all the family to see on holidays.

The father sounds hot. He’s very open. I think I could suck him.

We did not fight tooth and nail for gay marriage rights just to repeat the same mistakes as heterosexuals.

Ellie's response:

A: You may be surprised to hear that, among the diverse relationships that have developed over two generations of considerable social change, your story is not unique.

Same-sex marriage is not uncommon. Nor is raising children within that family.

The term “open marriage” was introduced in the late 1970s, and misread by some enthusiasts to simply mean “open” to adulterous group sex.

Today, by contrast, what your son and his partner have embraced as “open” is the presence of a third partner in their life and in raising their child.

Still, it’s not widely accepted and your son-in-law’s discomfort with it has understandable concerns.

However, the acceptance of you and your wife for your adult son’s choice will help your grandson grow up in an environment that’s loving and “healthy,” so long as it’s maintained.

Still, his family needs to be prepared for changes in the boy’s perceptions as he enters adolescence/teens and figures out his own sexual identity and attitudes. That happen to some degree in every family.

Is this a “healthy” relationship? Plenty of so-called conventional families aren’t healthy when there’s neglect, coldness, abuse, etc. Meanwhile, some “different” family structures work just fine.

With your son-in-law, keep contact ongoing. He and your daughter are equal members of your family needing their own attention. A group gathering isn’t always necessary.

Alternate Christmas gatherings? Try it. Finding reasonable solutions is what keeps a family intact.

“Gay sex” jokes? Unnecessary at these gatherings, especially if it makes an otherwise-accepting sibling uncomfortable. There has to be a level of respect on both sides.

While humour is often used to bring “hidden” truth into the open, to normalize it, there’s already understanding at your Christmas table that these three men have a gay lifestyle, including sex. Humour on this topic, just like heterosexual sex jokes, sometimes just crosses the line for some “captive” listeners.

She is right about the gays with their sex jokes. There's expecting acceptance and there's just gross behavior, and that doesn't need to be tolerated.

Shouldn't GLAAD and the HRC be taking up the cause of trouple marriage and trying to laws passed and a case before the Supreme Court?

It just makes me sad to see gay couples fall out of love when so many people don't want us to even exist at all.

Small children don't need to know the details of their parents sex lives, neither do one's parents. I mean, how much do YOU want to know about what your parents or siblings or grown children do in bed?

Discretion isn't the same as shame. Sparing someone the details isn't showing shame for an unusual lifestyle, it's showing thoughtfulness for the feelings of someone you love, and expecting the same thoughtfulness in return. Because really, these three do NOT want to know what their conflicted sister and disapproving brother-in-law do in bed, and they should realize the reverse is true.

If you want to be married, be married to one other person. If you want to have multiple partners, then don't get married. And, there is no need for your child, parents, or siblings to know the inner workings of your relationships.

Kids see things and process what they see even if the things are not verbalized. I would not want my teenager asking me why mom and dad only have 2 people in their bed but Uncle Steven has three.

Is this about Matt Dallas and Blue Hamilton? Is Mark E. Miller the third?

Daughter's husband needs to stop being so damn uptight and invested in other people's romantic lives. Problem solved.

Ellie’s answer:

R25 He isn't saying they can't have an open marriage or a throuple, if they want one, just there is no reason to bring that around the family. Once you bring the extra person into a family situation it becomes the entire family's concern.

What a disgusting family.

[quote] I would not want my teenager asking me why mom and dad only have 2 people in their bed but Uncle Steven has three.

Your teenager is probably much wiser to the world than you were at their age, and they almost certainly don't need to ask Frau Mom what's up with Uncle Steven.

This is why they hate us.

Team Throuple. They don't need to be separated for family gatherings. It's not going to warp the children to know that some people live that way.

The only part of the situation that the author of the letter needs to address is the gay sex jokes part. There is appropriate language for situations and audience. If that language crosses the line, it's not unreasonable to ask people to be mindful. However, if it's the "gay" part and not the joke part that is the problem, screw 'em. If the person wouldn't have a problem with similar heterosexual jokes, then the fact that it's gay is their problem.

As for the daughter's husband, that's his problem if he's uncomfortable. Now, if it were a rotating cast of third people, that's different. A "family" get together implies something about the third person's relationship. There is a line regarding who gets invited to family events. Most people don't invite hookups to family events.

I’m always curious about kids who grow up in sexually open families. Mine was e trembly reserved and uptight. Which wasn’t good either. Did anyone grow up in a house that was sexually frank? How does it affect your world view?

If all the parties involved were cisgender (I’m sure I am using this word incorrectly), it would be just as bad. Wouldn’t it? Or maybe one day open relationships will be able to exist without criticism and they’re ahead of the curve. I personally don’t think that a child can understand this setup. A little more discretion is needed.

Does the straight couple have kids? If not, shut the duck up and deal. If so, ok do you- make your kids like you, closed minded, uptight, throw the baby out with the bath water.

I grew up around all kinda families and my life is better for it, because I thought it was required to live and let live. I do not feel any stress over other people’s lives and life choices (ok, except celebrities and a certain ex-princess 😂).

This isn’t about throuples and off-color humor and the like. It’s about how we deal with the world around us when we feel uncomfortable. Making the world bend to us. That’s just not an easy way to live. If the sister is ok with it, the parents are ok with it, and just the in-law husband takes issue- he’s the one who has to yield.

[quote]Also, humour among the threesome includes gay jokes. It makes our single adult child uncomfortable, but she still attends dinner.

This isn't the first time I've experienced "humor" backfiring badly in this setting. A lot of gay men attempt "inside humor" as a way of normalizing gay life and relationships among the straights, whether it's drag queen style camp or overtly sexual. Their intentions may be good, but...

They shouldn't. Expecting straight family members (who aren't hip and never will be) to "get" gay humor is just setting up another obstacle. Just be as real and authentic with them as you choose to be.

What is “gay humor”? Is it sexual? Like what?

Jesus ducking christ- how many goddamned sexist gross straight jokes have I sat through as a child?! Racist jokes?! Get over it people. Brother in law is in the closet. Otherwise he wouldn’t give a shit.

like this?

What a hopeless square.

I think they should DP at Xmas dinner

Children are actually remarkably adaptable and take things as they are, it's the adults who fuck them up. Whenever people make "somebody think of the children" claims, what they're really doing is showing they as the adult are uncomfortable with something, and don't wish to be told to just get over it, so hide behind "the children" the way politicians hide behind "the military", or others hide behind "religious beliefs". They think you can't criticise their position that way. If they just said: "I think this is wrong", they know people will question them and they will have to defend their position, which is much harder to do when instead you can just say: "the children will be confused!" And god forbid as a parent having to be mature enough have conversations with your children that might make you uncomfortable.

I wouldn't be surprised if the brother-in-law's issue, when you break it down, is similar to a lot of peoples, ie "I've lived MY life by The Rules that everyone told me I had to, I don't see why THEY get to live differently." In other words, seeing his brother in law in a three way relationship reminds him every time that he has sacrificed living his life the way he wants for what others say is the right thing. That doesn't mean he's secretly gay, or wants to be in a threesome, it's just what they represent - people who did something different and thereby challenging his feeling that he can control his world if only he makes sure he follows "The Rules".

This should be less about the configuration of the coupling and more about healthy boundaries around what is being 'joked' about at family gatherings. This family seems way too personally entangled. For example, my aunt doesn't discuss the couple she's screwing around with around her son, elderly mother or her nieces and nephews. Time and place for everything.

Speaking of, it's always funny when people on Instagram think that Dan and Terry's boyfriend is their son. 😂

[quote]Children are actually remarkably adaptable and take things as they are

If that were actually true, the therapy business would collapse.

The siblings and parents are grossed out hearing about the brother’s sex life. The kid is probably too young to make a judgment call.

Wait a few years. When Junior is thirteen, and the guys insist on telling him all about their sex lives, he is going to be totally grossed out. Kids do not want to hear about their parents’ sex lives, ever. That goes way over the boundaries between you and your kids. Leave them out of it. And leave your family members out of it too.

The third guy would probably be a lot more welcome if he was being described as “here’s our friend, Ted,” and not, “here’s our fuck buddy Ted, who we’re fucking! Hi sis, I see your toddler is listening!” That’s just disrespectful to the kid, let alone the family gathering as a whole. Kids don’t need to know TMI about relatives they probably only see a couple of times a year. Keep it in your pants for four hours.

If your only reasoning to be there is to piss off your family, don’t go. They’re being reasonably accommodating.

That throuple’s kid is going to be writing, “Daddys Dearest: The Sequel” in a few years. They sound like narcissists.

R45 children aren't damaged just by observing different types of relationships or different types of people. People aren't in therapy because "I was exposed to a loving relationship with three people in it". The writer of the letter even points out the third guy in the relationship is very good with the child and very likeable. People in this thread are making it sound like just the appearance of a three person relationship is all sex all the time. Rather like people have said for years and years about gay couples - that we shouldn't be too visible because it will confuse the children and will be all about sex.

The family are entitled to say they're not comfortable with certain jokes told, but I note in the letter they just say "gay jokes" which people are reading as being extremely graphic sex jokes, and there is no evidence of that. What one person may be uncomfortable with, another person might find quite lame and harmless.