We would like, first, to wish our neighbours in the Royal Borough of Kensington, friends, family (even the ones glaringly not here), non-British citizens (including those hiding in Britain's shadow economy) and any non-Terrans who may be listening, a healthy and happy Christmas.
Second, We do not wish to pretent that, as so many families do, Ours has had to pass through difficult times during the last year. We wish to assure the Nation that We have learned some painful lessons about trusting the Wrong People, and that those lessons have been absorbed and will be critical to carrying out Our heavey responsiilities better in future, in keeping with the oath I swore publicly to uphold in 1953.
In keeping with the Christian thought of Him whose birth is celebrated on this day, We wish to make it clear that whilst We harbour regrets about circumstances that We failed to anticipate, We do not hold grudges against those who have trespassed against Us and their duties to the Nation as recipients of what must be acknowledged as good fortune in their lives.
We take full responsibility for whatever role We have played in allowing certain indivduals to make a mockery . . . a fucking MOCKERY of this institution and 70 fucking years of or hard work on MY part, and endangered its fucking future!!!! [wait, stop the cameras, I have to start again . . .]
Change can create anxiety, but can also heal and improve. In recognition of this undoubted truth, it is with both pain and pleasure that We announce the appointment of Our son and heir, His Royal Highness, Charles, Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall, as Prince Regent of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. At ninety-three, We feel that this will ensure that as Our energies, realistically, diminish, wisdom directs that the burden of the day to day operation of the monarchy be passed on to younger hands. We assure you that We will still be consulted on all matters of State importance. However, the Prince Regent will be in charge of the many details that the monarchy requires on a daily basis. This will give me more time to spend with my beloved husband, as well.
The Prince Regent, who has long cherished a desire to reduce the expenses of the monarchy, will take on as his first responsibility recuding the focus of the monarchy to his direct heir and his wife and, in the fullness of time, their children, and their children's heirs.
This is in keeping with the wishes of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, who have informed Us that they believe they can best serve humanity beyond the necessary constraints of senior royals. They have received Our full approval and encouragement for this decision. In recognition of that decision, the Duke of Sussex has agreed [no strike "agfeed"], is intent upon surrendering his title of Duke of Sussex, and will also be giving up his place in the line of succession for him and for his descendants.
Further details about changes in the working of the monarchy will be forthcoming from Clarence House in due time.
Wishing you all a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year . . .
EIIR