From the Desk of Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Mrs. S.

How come we don’t have movie stars anymore?

Dear Delusional Debbie- I’m so sorry to see that your new medications aren’t working correctly, dear. Your vision must really be going down hill if you can’t see my star power, which continues to fuel the hard ons of millions of straight men, questioning boys, and dykes who like for their other lips to have a red stain.

I do hope you will keep working on your vision issues, dearest heart. It must be agony to be both blind and stupid knowing that being blind is the easiest of the two that you can fix.

Blessings Mrs. J. Steele

I was going to reply “You don’t have to be a cunt,” but I must not tell a lie.

Dear Mrs.Steele,

Thank you for your return to provide guidance to the masses.

I am curious about your opinion of the current First Lady and her brassieres.

Dearest Inquiring Mind-

I respect any person who has a life story that began tawdry, low class but through nude modeling and a lucky hand, married well. Certainly, Melanie proudly reminds us of her success in this regard everyday, as she should. She’s like an European Mildred Pierce, if Mildred had abnormally squinty eyes and a problem speaking coherent English.

I’m sure history will do kind by her once her White House years are over. She will be remembered for being a true example of what’s her name who spoke with her eyes and not with her mouth.

Blessings

Mrs. Alfred Crawford- Steele First Lady of the Pepsi

Dear Mrs Steele

I'm a big fan of your work in motion pictures, and admire your dedication to maintaining an orderly household.

As Christmas approaches do you have any advice you could give a housewife like me when it comes to buying gifts for the family?

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Richard Dingbetter

Dear Mrs. Steele:

Why DOES Coca-Cola taste so much better, and satisfy the cravings, so much better than Pepsi-Cola?

Yours;

Coke Fiend

Dear Mrs Dingbetter-

Thank you for your lovely note. It is obvious you were raised with morals, manners, and most importantly, a mind that asks great questions.

I hear that colored girl, Oprah Wishesheweresomeone has started some sort of Christmas Wish List she says provides wonderful gift ideas. Frankly, I don’t need the help to help me with ideas on how to show holiday love and appreciation to other Anglo Saxon, Republican, well-bred families. I hope she soon realizes that she comes across uppity and out of place. Imagine trying to “sell” your brand to others.......

As a friend, I will share that a elegantly wrapped six pack of Pepsi Cola, or neatly tied ribbon on a bag of Frito Lays along with a pickle dip makes a wonderful, easy gift. Also, a charming household and lifestyle book for your friends who are in desperate need of breeding and sophistication is another marvelous idea. My Way of Life has been greatly improved by reading how the most elegant of women manage to have it all!

I hope you benefit from the Portrait of Joan’s ideas I’ve provided.

God’s Love and Approval- Mrs. Alfred Steele, Pepsi Cola USA

Dear Coke Fiend-

I’m sure that some people will expect us to engage in a heated debate of Pepsi vs Coke and show ourselves as manic, zealous bitches who take orgasmic pleasure in a cat fight above the sheets.

They will be sorely disappointed. I think Coke is a marvelous product who helps serve a very in need population. Do we degrade the medicines that treat the oozing sores of Whores? Of course not!!! Do we refuse to help retarded children by not providing them with electroshock therapy because they are retarded??? Absolutely not!!! Finally, would we refuse to build Wal Marts in our cities just because they sell Bette Davis DVD’s? No, that would be silly!

You see, just like anti-itch cream, lobotomies, and low quality department stores, Coke provides an invaluable service to a certain level of clientele. A clientele that is in need of a beverage on par with their abilities and sophistication. Thank god Coke has stepped up to be a first choice for third rate people like yourself!!!!

Love and Blessings-

J.C.S

Dear Mrs. Steele,

While admiringly perusing through your "at home" spread in the latest issue of "Look," I noticed how your garden so well maintained. How do you keep your lady lawn properly manicured? Do you have help to do that or are you a do-it-yourself kind of gal? Would you say yours is more of a fine fescue, a Kentucky bluegrass, or maybe a dense dichondra?

Also, does the carpet always have to match the drapes or can one get away with mixing and matching? Your advise would be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly,

House Beautiful

Mrs. Steele,

What was the deal with chopping down the rose bush? You looked like an old battle-axe with an axe.

Tommy Queerest

Chiming in with R10.

Mrs. Steele, does your rosebush change from blonde, to brunette, to redhead?

I haven't had time to read MWoL yet.

What is the best powder cleanser for my bathroom tub and sink?

How do you sign off your letters and notes to staff?

What hard liquor goes well with Pepsi, beyond Smirnoff?

Dear Mrs. Steele,

Exactly how many rodeos have you attended?

With appreciation for your contributions and devotion.

The Board of Directors

Dear House Beautiful-

My lady flooring remains unencumbered by fussy planting, tacky carvings, ornamental jewelry, or overgrown bush. Instead, I like my flooring to remain a paradise of smooth, well manicured wood. I take immense pleasure in knowing that when someone rubs their hand or other appendage across my flooring, they will find it a silky, moist delight. They will also note my shaved shenandoah valley brings with it, an intoxicating aroma of fresh lavender, carbonated water, and Newport cigarettes.

I do not agree that carpet and draping should match. How tedious that would be!!!! I much rather show case a minimalist, highly polish floor that is offset by a beautiful coiffure that can be pulled tightly on or roughly tussled while a man or woman is enjoying my flooring.

Blessings-

Mrs. Bald Eagle Steele

Mr. Queerest-

I have forwarded your letter to Miss Faye Dunaway for an answer. No one really knows what the hell she was doing in that scene. I, myself thought she was auditioning for a Saturday Night Live comedic sketch or perhaps having an episode of chemical shock related to use of a generic tampon. As her downtrodden career later showed us, it was most likely her tampon, not her talent that motivated her performance.

I’m sure Miss Dunaway will nonetheless be flattered by your comparison to her likeness with me. It will hopefully take some of the sting out of her recent Oscar debacle of trying to read and speak coherently at the same time. As a society, we expect so much from our much older, feeble stars. Faye has more than earned the right to find a caftan, a cat, and an episode of Price is Right to stimulate her dementia, not another professional engagement.

Keep those purses flying out of your mouth Tommy Queer!

J.C.S.

Dear Board of Directors-

Even though I had been to more Hollywood rodeos than times Marilyn Monroe used a “protein mask” in her face, none of them prepared me for the greatest ride of my life, the very New York Alfred Nu Steele. His attributes were unlike any I had ever seen- outside of the Negro.

He brought many pleasures into my life: exotic travels, Pepsi Cola, and of course, a clit that was lit up like Rudolf’s nose 4 nights a week. I miss his penis, I mean my Pally something awful.

Mrs. Alfred N. SteeleRod

Dear Anonymous-

I have already donated a substantial amount of money, time, and service to charity this year. Perhaps you should do the same and stop being on the receiving end of other’s efforts. In other words, dearest heart, reading the fucking book.

His Eye is on the Sparrow- Mrs. A. Steele

Dear Mrs. Steele.

I am poor, and sell matches to survive in an increasingly non-smoking world. It is, I must say, becoming difficult to maintain any sense of style much less nutrition. My question, should I sell my hair?

Dear Mrs. Afred Steele,

Why does Christina hate you so when all you've ever done was give her love, warmth, shelter, pretty clothes, fancy food, expensive toys, and a good Christian upbringing? A little discipline never hurt anyone, has it? Perhaps she was a tad too thin-skinned.

Lovingly,

Mrs. John B. Ramsey

Dear Mrs.Steele:

What IS your natural hair color? Can you even remember, after so many years of picking a new shade for every film?

Dearest Match Girl-

You aren’t going to like what Auntie Joan is going to say in this moment. However, when you become the strong, less annoying young woman you have some potential to become, you will give me the respect that any stranger on the street currently gives me.

Match girl, life is tough, especially for ungrateful brats like yourself. At least you have things to sell and can still keep your virtue in check. At your age, I cleaned dormitory rooms, made hooch in the mop closet and sold it to the nuns, turned tricks on the weekend for money to research my future career in the movies, and occasionally had to replace roosters in some rough, underground cock fights held on the other side of town. All of this just to survive while in “school”.

And yet, you can’t seem to set a “fire” under your match business and now want to whine about selling your hair, which is something that is a renewable commodity?????

Dear child, fuck off (but be smart enough to get paid for it first)

With Tough Love- Auntie Joan

Dear Mrs. Ramsey-

It is a true honor to reply to your letter. Indeed, I have been a fan of yours from afar for so long. As the saying goes “there are some mountains even the bravest of men won’t climb out of respect.” That’s how I feel about you and your superior history of mothering.

As to your question, I have always been hopeful that I could one day ask you this question and get your expert opinion. I took Christina from being just another cum stain on her biological mother’s Wal-Mart bedsheets to cleaning the marble floors and mowing the luxurious lawns of a Brentwood mansion. Yet, she can only seem to remember the many times I had to correct her whorish behavior, lack of personal hygiene, and poor eating habits. I knew that adopting the human equivalent of a raging shit-filled dumpster fire would be a challenge, but I’ve never backed away from helping society’s most horrible ills.

At the end of the day, Christina is now a grown woman, even though greatly misguided. I take some ownership if not much pride in getting her raised. True, she is often mistaken for another Christina-ish with questionable genitalia, Christine Jorgeson. However, I just like Jorgeson, my little Tina has used some “small part” of her life to get a big reaction. While Jorgeson may not be able to cut this part off, I can cut Tina from my will.

Love to you Patricia-

Joan

Dear Mrs. Steele -

You are a woman of taste, style and refinement, unlike SOME mature actresses I know!

I wanted to express my warmest wishes, and ask you how to handle a mother that just won't get out of your way! How does one keep their poise and elegance?

Warmest wishes -

B.D. Hyman

Dear Worried Wendy and Her Weaves-

Your note is both sweet and comical at the same time!!! I don’t actually dye my hair for each movie role. I’ve been genetically blessed with a full head of silky, chestnut brown hair. It is thick, strong, and durable, just like the many men who have pulled on my hair during many intimate experiences in the back seat of my MGM limo.

In my films, I utilize the most believable wigs and hairpieces to create a character. This are made from human hair of the many generous ladies from my Joan Crawford fan clubs across the globe. From their disregard for vanity (and no need for a man), comes great art to be enjoyed for years to come.

I’ve attached a picture for you and my readers as a cautionary note as to how extensive hair coloring can do to one’s hair. This poor lady, while never a raving beauty by the lowest of standards, repeatedly dyed her hair. The result is that even though she was only in her late 20s when this photo was taken, she looks old enough to be my grandmother. I pray that she gets relief from her hellish life- either by her own hand or someone else’s.

Blessings-

Mrs. Steele

Dear Mrs. Steele,

I thing that you are perhaps the greatest star to have ever come out of MGM. My husband, however, doesn't think so, and cites a Miss Norma Shearer as the greatest. Maybe it's because he's Canadian, but I think this is absolute lunacy! I made him sleep on the sofa when he dared suggest that her performance in "Strange Interlude" bested yours in "Rain" and "Letty Lynton" in 1932. Is he blind??? Who even remembers that cross-eyed cow anyway??? Anyhow, where would you rank yourself among the shimmering, glowing stars of the cinema firmament? Who would you place higher or lower than you? And where would you place Miss Shearer?

Your fan,

Autumn Leaves

Mrs Steele

As you know you were due to retire from the PepsiCo Board of Directors on your sixty-fifth birthday. We assumed that would've been in 1970.

Yet in your most recent correspondence you claim to have been born in 1911.

Can you please produce some form of documentation to confirm this. Turning up at a board meeting and asking people if they really believe you look old enough to have been born in 1903 again will, I'm sure, just lead to more tears and raised voices.

Carolyn DuMont, General Secretary to the Pepsi Board of Directors

Dearest B.D.-

How overjoyed I was to receive your kind note last month. You are an articulate, bright, and thoughtful young lady who continues to bloom into her womanhood. All credit for your success, I’m sure, is being enjoyed and should be given to the woman who raised you. Tell me, have you spoken with Governess Sarah recently? In Hollywood circles, she is revered for the wonderful job she did raising you despite the rather loose and nicotine stained parenting you would have received otherwise.

As to your question, it is very difficult to handle the type of mother you describe. I actually shudder to think that such a person, undoubtedly bugged eyed from their internal hysteria, even exists. I do hope dear B.D. that you’ve read about this beast of a creature in a fairy tale and not encountered it on a daily basis trying to make itself attractive.

Sadly, the world isn’t full of mothers who selfishly raised adoptive children to take care of and have pride in a beautiful Brentwood estate while being trained to respond to commands with doggie treats and rewarded with official stamped autographed photos of the world’s greatest star. A mother, who manages to have it all and remains a sexual force of nature unlike any Texas tornado that has ever hit a male prison. These mothers are rare, invaluable jewels that one come around once in a life time.

On a totally unrelated note to my last comments, how’s your mother?

Be Best-

Joan C. S.

Dear Ms. Dumont-

Thank you for your note of the 23rd and your concern about my standing with the Board of Directors of Pepsi Co. It is rare that someone of your position within the company would take such an unprecedented action to contact an esteemed Board member and Global Brand Ambassador to make sure all of their personal affairs are in order. You must have been frightened to do so. I would have been. Bless you, sweet child.

After telling President Steele about your act of kindness, he agreed with me that we needed to reward you accordingly. As such, you are going to be reassigned effective 12/25 to oversee the new Pepsi Cola outreach program for violent “reforming” lesbians at the NY State Prison. Your kindness, attention to detail, and ability to put yourself into dangerous situations is exactly what these bull Dykes need to see, hear, touch, and taste.

I’ll have my studio people clear your desk, collect your things, and load them into your car as you read this letter.

Thank you for your service to Pepsi Cola!

Mrs. Alfred Steele- Board Member, Pepsi Cola Brand Ambassador, Pepsi Cola Director of Human Resources, Pepsi Cola

Dear Autumn Leaves-

Who?

Also, I don’t like to compare myself to other actresses, even if I do have some knowledge of who they are. It’s demeaning, demoralizing, and in today’s current culture- an assault on self worth for any actress who is subjected to me as the gold standard for excellence. Imagine if you were one of those other girls being compared to me. I’m sure you’d walk away despondent and disoriented. Society should be better at such things like that. It can start with just one average looking, basic soul like yourself Autumn Leaves.

Be Best- J.C.S.

Dear Mrs. Steele:

Do you have any remarks to make on the Keane painting scandal? Or the movie made about it?

Yours;

Art Critic

Dear Madam:

Your mustache was showing when I had the unfortunate experience of riding in the elevator with you. I know the vodka fumes keep the hairs stunted but they still were white and wiry.

Can't you have that maid/do-everything woman wax you?

And your wig was crooked.

Thank you for remembering that, although you may no longer be a working "star" and that cancer is tedious, you still are appearing in public.

Very sincerely,

C.B.