Gaslighting

That's exactly what my captor used to tell me when I was a teenager!

Not exactly, OP. If you've ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship, one of the hallmarks is that the other person is constantly trying to make you second guess your own reality. If you're upset with them, it's you. Your fault. Your misconception. You're too much drama, you're too sensitive, you're projecting. Etc. That way they never have to admit they did (or do) anything wrong, or take any responsibility.

Kind of like what Trump is doing to the country.

OP = Stephen Miller

What exactly does “gaslighting” mean?

From Wikipedia:

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs.

Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations (both titled Gaslight), in which a character tries to make his wife believe that she's gone insane, in order to cover his own criminal activities. When he turns up the gas-fueled lights in the upstairs apartment in order to search for a murdered woman's jewels, the gaslights in his own apartment grow dimmer, but he convinces his wife that she is imagining the change. The term has been used in clinical and research literature, as well as in political commentary."

OP is a Clinical Narcissist who is Gaslighting Me! I am telling my story on twitter tomorrow. Hashtag #mytruth

I think it is a valid concept, but it gets overused in hysterical Twitter rants/on Reddit as a Terrible Thing that Terrible People do.

This. It’s frequently misused as a synonym for “lying” by people who don’t understand the real meaning (and have probably never seen the movie, either version).

In other words R4, your "friend" stands you up at a restaurant and doesn't bother to even text you to say he's running late or can't make it.

When you express that this has made you angry or upset, he claims that it was because he was caught up with work and why are you being such a jerk about it, HE is the one who has a right to be upset because his jerk boss made him work late and now you are just making it worse by being a prick to him about not calling. I mean you were able to eat dinner, right? It's not like you needed him there to eat dinner. But that's just typical of you R4--always about you and your hurt feelings and not even thinking that he may be upset and angry about having to work late. I mean the first words out of your mouth are "what happened? Is everything okay?"

And so on and so on.

No, r9. Your friend would gaslight you if he stood you up for dinner and then, when you expressed your resentment at the snub, would tell you that he didn’t stand you up, that you in fact HAD dinner and that you both enjoyed it very much. Then he would express fake concern that you were unwell because you didn’t remember even though in reality it had never happened.

No, you would complain about him being late for dinner, and he would tell you how he HAD told you at lunch the other week he might be late, and you should have said something if it was going to be SUCH a huge deal, and WHY do you have to make this into such a trial when you KNOW there's so much going on with him at home right now

etc etc. Basically turning everything around on you.

The original movie Gaslight, starring Anton Walbrook, is also really good. Watch it if you get a chance. The husband in that is super controlling, reads the Bible to his wife and the maids at night because he is the boss. They can’t even read it themselves, he has to read it TO them.

He is condescending and patronizing to his wife, makes her feel stupid and small and incapable, as well as crazy. He has her convinced she’s an idiot and not to trust her own eyes and ears. She is slowly brainwashed into thinking she has no choice but to obey this obviously malevolent person.

It’s like a textbook case of how emotional abuse happens.

R9, that made me sick, reading that. I would add the accusation that “You’re too sensitive!” It’s something that’s hard to argue with, as you then just seem more sensitive than ever.

“You see how it is, Nancy?” Charles Boyer

“Yes Sir, I see [italic] exactly [/italic] how it is.” Angela Lansbury, after she has wised up.

I love the “WTF?” look Boyer then gives Lansbury.

R25 You are talking about the internal reaction of someone to a certain kind of behavior. How can you be sure that person is intentionally trying to make you "question your reality"? How about if you feel that way you say something? Too often the person being "gaslit" isn't taking responsibility for something.

Watch this movie. I said watch it, goddamnit! What's wrong? Why are you trippin '? I never typed any such demand. Really, you must be reading things!

I asked this in a different thread one time, but what was gaslighting called before the movie? It existed and must have been called something? I can almost imagine it being a German term that was untranslatable otherwise, you know like schadenfreude.

The damn GOP (The New Dump Party) has been busy gaslighting the American public. Perhaps the OP has been too busy with his krokodil and vodka to notice..

No R10-- that is an extreme example. It's much more like what R11 and I described where they try and make you think that it's somehow your fault for being upset/displeased.

The more extreme examples are physical violence where the abuser somehow convinces the abused spouse that it was her fault that he hit her, that she somehow made him do it by her unreasonable behavior.

You describe mere manipulation, R18. Gaslighting is purposely trying to make someone think they're going nuts!

[quote] R16: I asked this in a different thread one time, but what was gaslighting called before the movie?

Sometimes it involves passive-aggressive behavior; or manipulative or controlling behavior. Projection. Simple dishonesty.

This thread never happened.

There needs to be a remake of this movie since we’re remaking everything now.

Or a broadway revival.

Gaslight: The Musical!

A common example I see on DataLounge a lot is where one person attacks some group, a second person responds to defend that group, and the first person then complains about being mistreated. I can’t imagine what people are thinking when they complain about this.

Don’t start something if you can’t handle a response!

Frankly, R24, that's not an example of gaslighting.

So, you're trying to ghost gaslighting, snowflake? How iconic!

It's when nude HS boys, bored and horny, light their farts in the lockeroom. Usually comes with White Privilege.

R25, I should have been clearer and added to R24 that the person complaining of being mistreated accuses the person they attacked, who is only defending themselves, of being the aggressor. The way threads run-on, it can seem that way if people don’t look back in the thread history. So, the person defending themselves has their perception of reality questioned.

Gaslighting is very real. I had a horrible boss that did this to me constantly. He came into the company not knowing shit about search engine marketing, and conveniently signed a contract with a company run by a buddy of his to "analyze" our data. They didn't know shit about search engine marketing either. The stuff they were sending us back was totally useless junk. I was forced to "implement" their "recommendations", which fucked up our campaigns, no matter how many times I tried to warn him about this. He wouldn't own up to this nor would his "friend" - it was always *my* fault when the results tanked. It was a no-win situation.

Gaslighting is something that makes you go “WTF”, and not know quite how to respond.

My Deplorable brother recently wrote me: ”Why are you so angry?” Well, I wasn’t, but being accused of being angry made me angry. So then what? There’s long history to this story, but my point is, my reaction was “WTF?”

It’s gas lighting when Deplorables refer to liberals as haters, which they only do because they’re haters themselves and get tired of so being accused. They hate Muslims, immigrants, people of color, Gays, coastal people, educated people, lots of people. If Liberals hate anybody it’s Deplorables for their actions, not for who they are. I think that’s different.

So, I don’t engage with this kind of argument, I just avoid my Deplorable family, because he won’t shut up with various annoying nonsense. That’s why he thinks I’m angry. It’s more like, I’m exhausted.

R29, yeah, every failure at work is always declared a success. Too many careers and egos involved.

most of you guys still don't get what gaslighting means

Explain, R32, pls.

“I had a hundred dollar bill in the middle compartment of my wallet. Did you take it?” “No. You spent that” “No. I didn’t” “Yeah, at the grocery store. “

....why would he lie? Wtf! did I spend it??? I feel like an asshole. What’s wrong with me. Why would they like about it? I share my money with him freely... meanwhile the gaslighter has also been stealing the mail. He’s decided you need your bills sporadically intercepted to fuck with your reality. You’ve wondered if someone’s fucking with your mail, but since it couldn’t be anyone under your roof you wonder if it’s the guy on the first floor.

Lawyers are paid to do this, of course, and some are really good at it.

Now you say you remember that day very clearly, but isn't it true that you often get dates wrong? Isn't it true that just yesterday you said it had been 16 years from 9/11 when in fact it has been 18? If you can't even remember what year it is, why should we believe you know he had the bloody knife after the time of the murder instead of before, and that it wasn't blood but tomato sauce.

Some psychopaths even gaslight themselves on the theory if you repeat a lie enough times, you can rewire your brain to make it true. Closet cases do this all the time. "I'm not gay, he was abusing me!'

R34, I had a roommate who lied all the time. I had to ask myself, why would he tell such a ridiculous, obvious lie? Then, the extended period of such lying led to gaslight style confusion.

Unbeknownst to me, he was a recovering cocaine addict, and lapsed. Then he stopped paying the rent. Then he started going through my underwear draw when I was out and he was high. It was a shit show.

My parents convinced me I was mentally ill because I was attracted to guys, forcing me to go to church and psychiatrists. And I believed it. That's gaslighting

Gaslighting is not just about being defensive or coming up with grey lies to worm out of trouble. It's deliberate and methodical and serves a purpose for the gas lighter. Say, you know a co-worker is more likely than you to get a promotion...so you do little things to undermine their self confidence. You move a few things around the office, file some of their paperwork in the wrong pigeon hole, ask if anyone else can smell beer when the co-worker leaves the room. Once your target is rattled you start ramping things up. Put the supervisor's favourite pen in the target's draw, set the clock in front of their desk 15 minutes early one day and turn it back to the right time once they leave 15 minutes early. Soon your happy confident co-worker is a gibbering wreck and no longer the front runner for the next promotion.

R39 yes, it is

Picture this real-life scenario - real-life as in it actually happened, having read about it somewhere online a few years ago:

A widowed elderly woman with plenty of money was targeted by her only child, a man in his 50s. He wanted power of attorney over all her finances because he did not want to wait for her passing/inheritance. He did all sorts of things to make his mother begin to question her sanity. He'd do stupid shit like unlock a window in her home while visiting, only to come back later that night to raise the window so that she'd be questioning how and why the window was up when she awakened the next morning. He'd take her car keys, prompting her to search the entire house for them, only to place them out in an open place some later time for her to discover. Right before she was to awaken, he'd drop by just to open the back door to the house leaving it ajar. He did all sorts of things like this over the course of several months. Then, he actually installed some sort of electrical device into one of the electric wall outlets which he could remotely cause to beep at will. Mom: "Do you hear that?" Son: "No, I don't hear anything!" Then, of course, he could being suggesting that she was "unstable" and should see a doctor about what she was experiencing - getting it on record that she was mentally ill with the sole aim of gaining control over her finances. I don't remember how exactly he was busted, but he was eventually found out.

THIS! is gas lighting!

That’s gotta be heartbreaking for mom, to have an ungrateful child.

My narcissistic mother used to gaslight us from the time we were small kids. She would do or say things to us and when called on it she would deny it then look at us as if we were crazy. My brother and I thought we were. It is an evil thing to do to anyone, especially children.

That’s awful, R44.: I’m sorry to hear this. You’re right, it is evil.

My father used to be able to make a crowd of children believe they'd just eaten a plate of worms, not spaghetti. All the adults thought that was so funny, but I thought it was cruel and mean.

R46 The fucking HORROR!

Thank you r45. Life with her was unbearable. I was relieved when she died

It’s like when a group of people are trying to do things to make you paranoid then tell you it’s your imagination. How about someone in a 12 step program doing that with their rigorous “honesty”?

I have decided to gaslight this thread.

We’ve done it to Sugar for years!

OP is such an innocent, probably a Gen Z lost in the real world... Welcome kiddo, you are so intelligent, of course gaslighting doesn't exist, now sit on my lap and grab the candy bar... now taste it and drink the milk... and of course, it is our secret, you wouldn't want your parents to think you are crazy so shut up... 10 years later, kiddo has become OP, it is probably better to live in denial than to admit that you've been abused.

THAT is gaslighting.

Gaslighting means making some one think they're crazy so you can profit.

In the movie the Ingrid Bergman is rich and she allegedly had some family jewels worth millions up in her attic. So old homeboy married her because he wants to search up in that attic for them jewels. Takes place in a old London day of yore when people had these gaslights. Angela Landsbury plays a slut who tells a cop "same time tomorrow in a cockney accent."

So the old homeboy waits till night, goes up and searches the jewels. He turns the light on, the gaslight and it makes the rest of the lights dim in the house because gas runs through the house. Ingrid Bergman is like, yo what's up with the dim lights? And her sorry sack of shit husband is like nothing baby, nothing. You just going crazy baby. Ingrid like what? I'm crazy? Ooooh and has a nervous breakdown.

I don't remember the rest but that's what gaslightin' means.

I need someone to explain gaslighting to me giving an example. I still don't understand what it means.

I've seen Gen Zers and Millennials misuse this term so often. They will use it even when someone disagrees with the--as if anyone who disagrees with them KNOWS they are right, but is just giving a different interpretation of events to play with their shaky grip on reality.

Larries used to use this phrase about record labels.

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys is about Rochester gaslighting Bertha Mason into believing she is insane. This happened a lot to 'mad women' in the 19th century and prior.

[quote] My parents convinced me I was mentally ill because I was attracted to guys, forcing me to go to church and psychiatrists. And I believed it. That's gaslighting

Actually, if they really believed you were mentally iull, that was not gaslighting.

It was wrong, and rotten, but if they believed it was true, it's not gaslighting.

All perpetrators of all annoyances are GASLIGHTERS and all bad things are gaslighty!

Gaslighters love to throw in useless details to strengthen their case -- We talked about it last Tuesday when you were having lunch **You were eating a Tunafish sandwich**, you thought it would be fun.

And you're thinking... Did we? Did I agree?

R54 if you don't know by now...

OP actually provides a perfect example of gaslighting.

R21==Don Draper.

Nice try, OP! I know what you were up to--this is like your craziest attempt to drive me crazy! Joke's on you--I have set up some "listening devices" around your place, and I overheard you telling something about your little "plan."

The Welp Troll tries to gaslight me into believing that I'm a PR repl!

So it's not when I light my farts on fire?

My mother does this. Something happens, something bad, usually involving her husband screaming at a member of the family. This will happen in front of everyone. But if you bring it up later, she looks at you with this pitying look as if you are pathetic and insane. She will say it never happened and that she feels so sorry that you have these emotional problems. She’s always done this so as not to have to feel bad about reality.

Van Gogh was the first painter to incorporate gaslight into his paintings.

*sigh* yes, the gaslighting movie explains gaslighting. But guess what? It’s also set in a time when men were the absolute authority at home and women had few options. If someone tries to tell you you’re losing it, don’t question yourself. Just leave that cunt. Don’t enable an abuser. You can leave. Women can get jobs and/or welfare without their husbands approval now. Abuse is terrible. But don’t stay. It never gets better, only worse.

R54, it's never too late to learn to read, don't be ashamed of your lack of understanding of words and sentences

How can you actually guarantee someone has gaslit you? I just...don't buy this crap.