What's the weirdest thing you've put your dick in/ tried to fuck?

For me, a thimble!

Mud.

A cucumber. But I'm not sure that's considered weird.

Not me, but my uncle fucked a cow.

Fleshlight wedged between various other stationary objects (couch cushions, mattress and bed frame, office chair, etc).

Cantaloupe when I was a teen. Not wrapped in prosciutto though

Muriel and Erna.

vacuum cleaner hose

Shit. I forgot about the vacuum cleaner. That turned out to be a VERY bad idea. I thought my dick was permanently disfigured.

Of course it was really a shop vac, which may have had too much suction.

Years ago when I first started to masturbate I would go in the bathroom, get in the bathtub, turn the faucet on full blast, place my erection under the surging water - and in a short period of time I came like a trooper! Felt great. Haven't tried that one for years.

Ewwww. Did you at least clean the god damned tub after you shot your wad in it?

"Ewwww. Did you at least clean the god damned tub after you shot your wad in it? "

No, hence my brother = my son!

A failed actor

It's a toss-up between my ex and a hot tub jet stream.

R14, Your ex is a human and does not count. Please work on your reading comprehension.

Aaron Schock

A shop vac for me as well. Being a 13 year old, I was not careful and my balls went in first. O U C H !!

Your father OP

This thread is ridiculous. Please keep going.

Well, not me personally, but...

A glory hole.

Growing up in the country, my cousin said he heard that watermelon get like pussy. So we bought one on a warm summer day and payed it out in a field. We then cut a hole in it and took turns “fucking” it until we both came inside. After we finished, he picked up the watermelon and smashed it, and we watched birds eat the bits of watermelon and cum!

A cored-out apple. It's great!

Pretty sure I violated just about every item in the vegetable crisper, as well as the linen closet, at some point.

R11 Do other people have to share a tub? As an only child, I had my own private bathroom.

A blob of pizza dough when I worked at Little Caesars as a teenager.

A vagina. Other than that one time, I would be a gold-star gay.

A need football with a hole cut into it!

a Teletubbie.

R15 people are also things and my ex was... quite the thing

Rudy Giuliani

The first time I ever came was when I locked myself in our family bathroom, stuck my cock into a bag of cotton balls, and had a glorious orgasm. I had to keep on throwing away the cum moist cotton balls.

A peach.

Well there was this aircraft engineer I was introduced to in rural Washington state a few years ago........

Inspired by the book [italic]Portnoy's Complaint[/italic], I jacked off into piece of bologna (Portnoy himself used a piece of liver.) Even though I bathed immediately afterward, my dick smelled of bologna for a couple of days. The sensation while I was fucking the bologna was also highly forgettable.

A hole in the wall

A butthole

My living room wall. I got halfway through.

Apple pie!

Cold bathroom tile.

A baby.

I, too, fucked mud (would mix it up in a bread pan warm water and fuck it. VERY messy). Cantaloupe. Watermelon. Sock full of shaving cream.

I was one horny teenager.

Your grandma.

“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever put your dick in?”

The Guinness Book of World Records.

I remember when I was younger trying to fuck the family pork roast when everyone was out. Cut a hole in it with a knife and went for it....thought it would be the closest thing to human flesh. Needless to say, did not mention this to the rest of the family when we had our Sunday dinner.

R45, we thought it was a little salty.

A nutri-bullet

Extra long zucchini

Men are scum

Dorothy

OP, Your mom’s dildo

You, OP. Hope you got your hump fixed.

Is R41 a joke?

I certainly hope so R53. So far, the pork roast humper is my favourite.

The water jet on our swimming pool.

A Hoover handle.

In my brother’s mouth when he was asleep.

R57 Are you Rod Barry?

^^^Nick Carter

Disclaimer: I grew up in the country in the Deep South. So I would slather my dick with peanut butter and let my sweet Border Collie lick it all off. The sensation was amazing 😉

[quote]The sensation was amazing

For you, maybe.

R60 I've never understood doing that. Not only do I feel it is wrong to sexually abuse an animal that cannot consent, I would never want a dog's mouth anywhere near my dick. I would be afraid the entire time that the dog would bite it off.

Also, your being Southern has nothing to do with your deviancy.

A plastic jar

R62 yep.

R62 the concept of “consent” does not apply to an animal.

The dog got a treat, and the owner got off.

No harm, no fowl.

R65 You are a despicable human being, having sexual relations with any living, or dead, being that cannot consent is wrong.

Y'all going straight to hell.

I love it.

R66 your hysteria is laughable.

Consent is not necessary except in the case of humans, and sometimes, not even in that.

R62 - the dog was sweet and gentle and I was only 12 years old. I’d hardly call it “sexual abuse of an animal.”

I hope you don't live in a terraced house R38, that could be a bit awkward if your neighbors are watching tv.

R69 Actually it is, people have been forced to registrar as sex offenders for doing it.

You’re telling me a 12 year old boy would need to register as a sex offender for letting his pet lick his dick?

'Growing up in the country, my cousin said he heard that watermelon get like pussy. So we bought one on a warm summer day and payed it out in a field. We then cut a hole in it and took turns “fucking” it until we both came inside. After we finished, he picked up the watermelon and smashed it, and we watched birds eat the bits of watermelon and cum! '

Are your parents siblings by any chance?

fruit and vegetable whores!

A pie, but they made a really big deal about it.

METOO movement now includes southern farm animals and common fruit and vegetables.

Bestiality is illegal in most of the US, outside of Wyoming, West Virginia, New Mexico, Hawaii, Guam, American Soma, and for some reason D.C.

"Men are not true to anything. They would have sex with a tree."

- Madeline Kahn as Mrs. Munchnik in the movie "Mixed Nuts."

[quote]No harm, no fowl.

I see what you did there, R65.

Here we go...…..

R16 Me too, it was fuck’n hot and morally disgusting all at the same time.

A shower cap, filled with LA Looks hair gel, tried off with a hair tie, rolled up in a towel.

A shower mat rolled up, after a liberal layer of Prell shampoo was slathered over it, and the shower massage beating against my ball sack.

I took a lot of long showers as a teen.

I once masturbated with shaving cream as a teen. Unfortunately, it was the method kind; not only did my dick burn for hours, it also got into my pee pee hole.

R83. Menthol!!! Not method

A toilet paper roll...I was too big.

I nearly spat out my tea at my desk, R83.

R85 …………….