Giving advice to a friend and when to pull the plug

The guy’s getting older and now realizing he’s all alone in life. He looks to each sexual encounter as a chance at live.

At some point, people like that become extra annoying to everyone involved

Pull the butt-plug before elimination.

I think you’ve been a good friend. Not sure what else you can do

You're right and you should just end this friendship if you feel like you're getting exhausted by the drama. Alternatively, tell him you won't discuss this subject with him again because you have your own shit to deal with.

Also should add that we've been friends for 10 years and he's one of my best friends and I don't want to just cut him loose. I'm a couple years older than him and I can count on one hand the close friends I still have, not for any reason other than lives go in different directions. And I do like him very, very much and enjoy his company.

I hate that my friends have dwindled so much in the past 10 years. Also, I moved across the country and I would say most of my few good friends are on the east coast, which doesn't help.

Are you asking how to handle his whining about the dancer no omg from forward or whether you should still be friends with him?

I feel for you

^^about the dancer MOVING FORWARD ....

I’m sure this isn’t the only thing you talk about, right? Sure he’s annoying but he’s going through a mid-life crisis of sorts

Don’t judge him, just listen. He knows what he’s doing is irrational. It’s not like your pointing it out will suddenly make him understand.

Let him go through this phase knowing he’ll always have you as a friend no matter what.

I guess I'd like to know what most people want to hear when they come to a friend with a problem like this and am I wrong to actually give my opinion? Everyone needs to vent. God knows I do. But I like to hear the truth (well, I don't enjoy it, but it's necessary to hear from someone else what I already know but maybe don't want to face). But I may be in the minority.

I have friends and family members who come to me with the same problems, over and over. I just say, "You know my position on that." (I'm assuming you've already given him your opinion at some point; no use repeating yourself.) If you like this guy otherwise, you can agree to disagree on this topic.

I wouldn't ask for more details about your friend's unrequited love; that's been discussed ad nauseam and ad infinitum. It's also dysfunctional to encourage him in that vein. I'd just say, "Mm-hmm."

Oh, I never ask. Not that I need to. But I never bring it up because I don't want to be sucked into it again.

"What do you do when someone always asks your advice but never takes it? "

At some point you just have to say "I don't want to talk about D_____ any more, what else is going on in your life?".

Of course your old friend is obsessed and won't want to talk about anything else, so this will create a temporary cooling effect. But if you value the friendship, do persist in your efforts to talk about things other than Dancer.

Friends don't need to take our advice. Sometimes they just want someone to listen. I would never dump a lovesick friend. I would be supportive, and try to commiserate. Perhaps you can introduce him to someone new?

R12 is right to just change the subject if you are taxed, and cannot listen anymore. Telling someone "I told you so" is never the right path.

Yank that plug! Yank it like you're starting a mower!

My late BiL always told me that you can’t change people, they have to want to do it themselves. Just as Op stated about his friend being heavy and then losing weight. He was fat and he decided to do something about it. When I’ve been in situations that Op described if they didn’t take my opinion of their situation as I saw it, the next time they brought it up I say, “you’ll figure it out,” and change the subject. If I’ve ridden their life crisis Ferris wheel before I don’t need to do it again.

Thanks for all the advice, guys. We've been in contact again and he's in real bad shape. The guy is playing games with him, too. He's been super depressed but won't go to a psychiatrist to see about getting meds (he's convinced it's chemical) because he says he can't afford it. I told him to look for a place that has sliding scale or to try the LGBT center in Manhattan but all he wants to do is whine about it, so I'm letting him vent and just nodding.

Anyway, I appreciate all the feedback. This place can be bitchy (and is) but for these kinds of things, I've always seen DL'ers give good and supportive advice.

Pull a Mariah on him: "Excuse me, Miss, but I have problems of my own."

Practice saying this in the mirror:

[italic]"With all due respect, ma'am, I've got problems of my own."

Oh! Didn't see R17 when I typed that!!

Nobody wants to hear the truth . About anything. Ever. So I make sympathetic noises and let them yap,while Im really thinking about making a lasagna .Im very good at it,20 years of customer service comes in handy .

If you want to go the extra mile, you could make it a project to go boyfriend hunting with him. Figure out what he likes, scout out some areas where that type may be (like a specific volunteer organization) .... maybe ease him toward the meds/therapy again .... ie, be willing to help him find an actual solution to his problem.

Basically be PRODUCTIVE, and when he wants to talk about the dancer, steer him back with "Well, worrying about him doesn't seem terribly PRODUCTIVE, so let's work on something that could actually yield something."

That’s the best thing, r16/ op, just listen and then sloooowly start trashing the BF. ie: he wasn’t that cute, you’ve fucked hotter guys than that. Make it look natural, like it’s just an observation.

Put those bugs in his head, he’ll get there eventually.

He's a 40 year old top? Tell him to hang on. In a few short years he'll be a daddy and 20 somethings will be all over him.

OP, I went through something similar to this with a co worker. She was lots of fun until she met this guy who was a creep. She'd call me in floods of tears, telling me she was going to break it off with him when he came over that day. Next day I'd ask her how things went. "Oh, we cleaned the gutters in the roof." I finally had enough and told her so in a letter. I said, "Unlike you, I am not a needy victim." Suffice it to say that sealed the deal and the friendship ended. What I would do at this point is wait to text him back when he texts you. And don't talk about the dancer. Just don't. Talk about other things. Your friendship is about you and him, not his emotional roller coaster[s]. I hope this helps in some small way. Good luck.

[quote]I guess I'd like to know what most people want to hear when they come to a friend with a problem.

Ugh, I have been through this so many times with both straight female friends and gay male friends. What I realized is most people, like 8 out of 10 who come to you for advice don't actually want advice, and they don't just want to vent either. What they want is you to validate their compulsive behavior.

When you tell them don't go out with that abusive guy, homeless guy, or indifferent guy, they always say you're right, and then turn right around and do it again. What they really want is to hear you say "hang in there maybe it will work out" or " he secretly loves you" or some bullshit fantasy they have concocted up in their mind.

And often times, woman especially leave out key facts. Like "he wont make a commitment to only see just each other" meanwhile, she is cheating on her husband. People like that want you to play a roll in some scenario they fabricated in their head so that they can validate their feelings while ignoring their actions that got them there or keep them there.

So what to do? These days I just don't offer advice unless they truly ask. And then, I assume they wont take it. Or I just say, what do YOU think you should do? Then do that. Put it back onto them. Otherwise it becomes a sort of cat and mouse game where they go back and do what they want with the mindsets that their friend (you) will kill them if they find out they did it again.

Only a few friends will I give advice to anymore. Only because they listen and truly seem to give it a shot. Otherwise I don't have time for your drama and I didn't sign up to be in act 3 of your miserable play.

Op just repeat your advice briefly and wait for the next topic of conversation. What's so complicated about that. Nobody needs to take anyone else's advice, even if they ask for it.

Ugh, it's now gotten a lot worse this evening. He's telling me he wants to commit suicide. He's convinced himself he's manic depressive with no diagnosis, but I keep suggesting he go to a medical psychiatrist and he tells me he doesn't have the money. I just looked up and texted him a bunch of resources in the city and he's ignoring it every time I bring it up. The LGBT Center in Manhattan has a great program with sliding scale.

His mother had some sort of breakdown when she was his age now and he's convinced himself that this is what's happening. He won't get a job because he can't find anything he likes. He just sits around and wallows all day. At this point, I'm not sure what he wants from me. I've given advice, I've agreed with him, I've yessed him to China. It's as if he's expecting me to snap my fingers and make it all go away.

I can only do so much as I'm across the country at the moment.

This particular post was just me venting and I don't need guidance on it. I know there's nothing I can do. I can't drag him to a doctor. He doesn't believe me that he can get care for free so I'm guessing he's either afraid to do it or he'd rather just feel sorry for himself. I don't know how to help someone like that.

[quote]I've given advice, I've agreed with him, I've yessed him to China. It's as if he's expecting me to snap my fingers and make it all go away.

In the future set healthy boundaries with your friends and use your best judgement.

If he lost a parent and he needed to let it all out for a month or two, yeah - let him do that.

If this is about a guy and him getting older then "Effie, we all got pain!"

If he thinks he's going to commit suicide then tell him you're going to call someone to check on him unless he's black because the cops will probably shoot his ass. Call another friend.

Otherwise, it's sadly like training a dog. I give my friends a few times (like twice) to bitch about the same subject and unless they're PROACTIVELY DOING SOMETHING I cut them off.

Because some people will drain the life out of you and keep on sucking.

You didn't ask for advice but I've been in your position and I had to learn.

OP, you're letting yourself be used by him. No no no...

OP, I think you’ve been a good friend and done more for him than most would. Would you feel comfortable contacting his family and letting them know you’re concerned and that way they can handle it? The suicide talk would worry me.

I no longer give advice. To anyone. Period. The most I will do, under extraordinary circumstances, is coach by asking questions.

Which is just one reason I'm not going to give advice to the OP since he, too, isn't really looking for advice.

This is not unusual- it’s just life. 40 is far from “over the hill” and friends can be made at any stage in life. I’m 66 and I have a number of very good friends I met after 50. And I hope for another torrid romance as well- there’s still plenty of fire in the furnace. You are only out of the game of life when you chose- I certainly am not.

Be patient and focus on the other reasons for your friendship. If I dropped friends because they did not take my advice or I did not take their’s, I’d have no friends.

[quote]r32 Forty is far from “over the hill”

Especially if you look 25!

I do give advice, and do my best to ignore whether it's followed or not.

But the OP's friend sounds like a temporary nightmare to deal with, anyone who's obsessed with a Mr. Wrong is. You just can't win with someone who's fixated on a bad 'un.

Have you considered that maybe your friend isn’t actually looking for “advice” (even if that’s the exact word they used when they opened it)? Sometimes people just need to talk it out, and you’re their safe space to do so. That’s part of being a friend, though it can absolutely be maddening at times.

When someone keeps doing stupid over and again, they are clearly stuck. Sometimes talking it through is “thinking out loud”, and I like a previous poster’s suggestion of just asking questions that you think they need to find the answer to - instead of actually telling them what you think. Especially when you already have, your opinion hasn’t changed, and they aren’t taking your advice anyway.

I am concerned about the suicide dialogue. I have a friend with military PTSD and he finally sought treatment, though it doesn’t seem to be helping and in his case might be getting worse. I’ve provided alternative treatment programs as he himself isn’t satisfied, but.....he won’t listen, right? After a couple years of random middle of the night drunken calls, I’ve recently had enough. Long story and it came in stages with discussion along the way, but I block his number at bedtime.

Maybe in a similar way you need to find boundaries to help you maintain the relationship while honoring your own needs? I could be wrong and I dread finding out he finally followed through on a night he tried to call, but like the oxygen mask on a plane: we're no good to anyone around us if we don’t have our own shit together.

I don't know his family and would not have any way to get in touch with them. The other night I pushed to have someone local, a mutual friend, come over there to stay with him when he was ranting about suicide, but he doesn't want anyone to know what's going on.

I think I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to step back from it, and everyone has been very helpful. The night he was at his worst, I gave him a lot of local resources that would treat him and put him on medication and help pay for it if that's really what he needed. He promised he'd call the next day. I checked in on him and he was much better and apologized for being so dramatic. I told him he didn't need to apologize, that everyone feels that way some time or another. Then he launched into this whole thing about how he's got to be bi-polar because his mother suddenly became bi-polar at age forty and it's like he's either convinced himself he is or he wants to be.

And then I asked if he called the facility and he said no, because he was feeling better. I got annoyed, but was very neutral and calm and I said just because you feel better now doesn't mean it's over with. You need to have someone or something in place for when it hits again which could be very very soon. And he said, well, I have you to talk to. And I said- No, you really don't. Yes, I'll talk to you, but I'm not a doctor and I'm not qualified to really help you, and it's a lot to put on me, as well as not helping yourself. If you're really bi-polar (which I don't think, but again, not a doctor) or just going through a deep depression, you need something that's going to give you round the clock care, meaning medication to stabilize you. I'm not medication. And that's the stance I'm taking. He texted me this morning trying to engage in more self-diagnosis and I just didn't answer. He didn't seem dire, just chatty, and I have to set boundaries.

Now I'm fucking depressed and I wound up sleeping all day. I think he infected me!

Anyway, thanks again for all the good advice.