Let's be Halloween

I’m Shirley McClain

I've got my pumpkin earrings out. They go fab with my black caftan.

Some Mexican chick at the wholesale restaurant depot was operating a forklift in her Halloween costume on Thursday already. She was dressed as a zombie bride — bloody makeup and all.

r3, god forbid she could have fun at her boring as fuck job.

I'm the candy corn, and I'm disgusting.

I'm one of the four other Let's Be Halloween thread on Datalounge.

Thanks to the vagaries of DL's algorithm I'm getting more replies that's making the OP of this thread VERY cross

Lmao the fatty who sits next to me had fully decorated on October 1st.

I'm the fiberglass in R6's cunt.

I'm the awful orange and black taffy candies.

I’m the fillings and crowns that will break or fall out, when the fatties get desperate and eat that taffy at r9 because all the chocolate has been scarfed down.

I'm the eldergay expat in a foreign capital who tossed a pack of Snickers bars in his supermarket cart the other day. For 20 years, every other year or so, he gets knocks on his door. American cultural hegemony.

I’m the Dum-Dum suckers that nobody - I mean NOBODY - eats.

I’m the countless affirmations on Instagram that it’s my favorite holiday — is it October 31 yet hahaha? — on Labor Day. I’m supposed to be met with a knowing giggle — please stop rolling your eyes.

I'm sad because candy corn used to taste so good as did much of the other traditional Halloween candy. Now it's all artificial garbage with a taste to match.

I'm "cultural appropriation". I'm on the lips of some sour cunt in every city, just aching to spoil the fun.

I'm the Dollar Tree container filled with mini-Mounds and Almond Joy.

I'm the molly-addled queen with blown-out taste buds who thinks everything tasted better 50 years ago.

I'm the frau concerned about poisoned Halloween candy.

R17, I've never, ever used illegal drugs but know by reading the label that the ingredients of Halloween candy has dramatically changed for the worse. My taste buds are also super sensitive.

I’m the kid whose parents forgot to buy a costume, so now I’m trick or treating as a ghost. x

I'm the true spirit of the holiday which has been shamelessly highjacked for purely commercial purposes.

I’m the slutty bottom who thinks that underwear and devil horns counts as a costume.

I’m the slutty bottom who thinks that underwear and devil horns counts as a costume.

I'm the pumpkin spice candles from the dollar store that makes everyone gag and run out of the room.

I'm the $130 or so for candy for Trick or Treaters.

I'm the large, inflatable pumpkin and ghost balloons in my front yard. I'm the chairs we set up to sit in right next to them with the large bins containing candy bars and penny candy.

I'm the big smile on my face and the laughter I and my siblings experience as over 250 to 300 kids in my town arrive in their inventive, home made, clever, laugh-out-loud costumes, as the real little kids, the 3, 4 and 5 years olds, warily eye the lawn decorations, but still, with tentative steps, eyes still on the decorations, and a wee bit frightened, make it to the candy.

[post redacted because independent.co.uk thinks that links to their ridiculous rag are a bad thing. Somebody might want to tell them how the internet works. Or not. We don't really care. They do suck though. Our advice is that you should not click on the link and whatever you do, don't read their truly terrible articles.]

I am Derry, Northern Ireland, where there is a week-long festival and the locals like to taunt the police by dressing up as paramilitaries (but the police don't seem to care).

I am the cheap ass health nut. I pass out apples at Halloween. Every year kids beg their parents not to stop at this house, but the parents feel a duty to stop here.

We're the British. We give money instead of candy.

Penny for the guy?

I’m the adult whose even worse than R28 who passes out pencils.

I’m the poor people who go to the rich neighborhoods to trick or treat because it’s smart. I don’t always bother with wearing a costume either.

We're the parents that have to talk to the owners of every house.

Dad: Hey Joe, these new gutters are looking great!

Kid: Dad, come on. All the candy will be gone.

Dad: Hey, Joe, Lorraine said to tell Joanne that the apple pie recipe turned out great and she's going to use it for Thanksgiving.

Kid: Dad, come on!

Boring hetero Americana from Della and R32.

I'm the " chocolate coins" given out at the Barone house.

Yeah, I'll cop to that, r33.

But still, it ain't boring to experience it.

I am the local dentist who hands out toothbrushes and tiny tubes of toothpaste to trick or treaters. And they hate me for it.

I'm the person who puts on cat ears and calls it a costume. I pretend like I don't give a shit and just threw it together last minute, but inside I seriously hate myself for not having creativity or an imagination.

I'm the horror movie marathons playing on TCM, AMC, and SyFy.

I'm the guy who puts on a scary mask when answering the door making all the young trick or treaters cry or run away.

R 38, what';s wrong with that?

I'm the spooky sugar-fueled r19 that doesn't know how these threads work! Boo (Hoo!)

Pardon us all to hell, r33. I like what Della wrote.

I’m the large amount leftover candy. I won’t see November 2.

I'm the Christian Moms Media Newsletter which lists morally safe Halloween viewing for the pure and innocent crotch fruit.

I'm disgusting marshamallow Halloween Peeps. I was disgusting at Easter, so the manufacturer decided to produce Peeps for Halloween, too.

I’m the inexorable progression from one evening, to two evenings, to Halloween week, to a month-long festival, to Halloween season which now begins the day after Labor Day and runs through Thanksgiving.

I'm the couple on the block who plan a sexy adult Halloween party on the block. All the women are dressed like slutty nurses, slutty vampires and mostly sluts.

I'm the shelves of the Halloween pop-up store on the afternoon of Oct 31. I look like I was hit by a tornado with a grudge. Not that you can even see my sparse and mostly torn-apart contents, since the line at the register snakes through nearly every aisle, blocking the little merchandise that's left.

Hope you like being a pirate, cause that's all that's left. Get a cheap chinese plastic eye patch and hand hook for the bargain price of 28.98, hustle home, put on eyeshadow and lipstick and a miniskirt and be a "slutty pirate." And next year remind yourself to plan ahead.

I'm the "slutty" everything, which was edgy in the 80s, maybe. Slutty nun. Slutty Hillary Clinton. Slutty construction worker.

I'm the church's "trunk or treat" celebration. They need an excuse to celebrate Halloween without actually calling it that because it is a Satanic holiday. So here I am.

I'm the large Halloween bonfire that R28, R30 and R36 need to die in.

I'm the kid who LIKES popcorn balls and candy apples.

I’m the woke mom who has been painting pumpkins teal for the past two weeks.

I’ll be going door to door handing these out to my neighbors and making sure that they only hand out food allergy friendly treats.

I’ll also be posting this warning all around the neighborhood.

I'm the Russell Stover chocolate covered pumpkin marshmallows that sell out as soon as they're in supermarkets in September - never to be seen again until next year.

R38 - here's the TCM lineup . . .

I'm "Bell, Book and Candle" I'm always dragged out of the vaults at Halloween.

i'm the best tasting creamiest full flavored chupa chups.

R11 should read r26.

Halloween started in Ireland. And the Romans had their own, week-long festival of the dead that Christians repurposed and moved to the date of Halloween in an attempt to convert the people of Britain and Ireland.

I'm the SJW supermom sending out emails and flyers to all the parents in the neighborhood, advising them not to hand out treats with nuts in them, lest young Breighlynn inadvertently eats one and has a severe allergic reaction.

I’m the torture victim who would love to know what r34’s clip is talking about.

But then I’d have to watch “Everybody Loves Raymond,” which must have been made up by Spanish Inquisitors.

Halloween started on August 10th at Costco, r46!

R61, Ray’s father gave kids foil covered condoms thinking that they were chocolate candy coins.

I'm the black cat who has to be kept indoors all day so psychopathic freaks won't try to sacrifice me to the devil.

I'm the grim-looking pencil skirt-wearing neighbor handing out small fun comic books detailing the frightening pits of hell waiting for me for simply existing with the Jehovah's Witnesse's Protection Program.

**simply existing WITHOUT the Jehovah's Witnesse's Protection Program

I’m the marathon of horror classics sitting on the internet for free, without commercials or the good parts cut out by network TV censors!!!

I'm Michael Myers. You see me, you die.

I’m the fatty who sits next to R7, who has already eaten all the bulk bags of Halloween candy I purchased on October 1st.

I'm the aborted "pre-born baby" at the Christian haunted house. These culturally deprived kids are suspiciously enthusiastic about the evils of Halloween.

I’m the suburban frau that decided to start up the “You’ve Been Booed“ fraufest on my street.

So VERY glad and relieved that I no longer have to witness nor put up with this office SHITE any more. Perfectly fine if you want to dress up on your own time, but I hated it during my working years.

^ Yes, and get off my lawn!!!!!!!

I'm the offensive costume.

I’m the masc gay guy living in suburbia who likes to flirt with the hot neighborhood Dads and offer them a beer during Trick-or-Treating.

I’m SiriusXM channel 708!

I'm an orange Unicef box.

It's been a beastly hot summer with daily bad news from Derr Dump & his henchmen - the days are shorter, the weather has cooled off (finally!), and it *finally* looks like there is a reckoning in sight for Dump & the repbugs, so light that Bath & Body Works pumpkin spice candle, make yourself a hot toddy & watch classic horror movies on TCM. Might as well embrace it - even the gross candy corn!

I’m the D-list celebrity whose face will be plastered all over social media on November 1st for making an insensitive choice in my costume.

My sincere, heartfelt apology claiming that I meant no offense will be forthcoming as soon as someone from my management team writes it for me.

I'm the neighbor who really, really, really loves Halloween. My modest front yard contains enough spooky crap to stock a Party City.

I’m the mom sipping a cocktail as I give out candy, blasting the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack out my suburban windows onto my gravestone and fog strewn lawn. I run out of candy by the time my kids are back, but just grab some of theirs to drunkenly throw at the last late stragglers.

[quote] I'm the frau concerned about poisoned Halloween candy.

I’m Paul Lynde, concerned about it too — “why isn’t there *more* of it?”

I'm Stevie Nicks.

I don't wanna be a hot dog or a box of Kleenex for Halloween. I want to be a witch!

I'm all the kids wired up on sugar you won't be able to calm us down until the sugar wears off late in the evening.

I’m the little kid who couldn’t wait to wear my crappy store bought superhero Halloween costume but it’s freezing cold outside and my mom is making me wear a coat and a hat and one of the pieces of elastic on my mask just broke. Nobody knows what I’m supposed to be or compliments me but they’re all over the kid who whose crafty mom made him a robot outfit out of aluminum foiled boxes. “Oh you like just like a robot! Very cool!”

I’m the sugar hysteria.

I’m the sugar hysteria.

I'm Michael Jackson's Thriller being played on the radio every hour.

I’m the creepy incel who gets a thrill from opening the door so all the kids can see the porno I’m watching on my 65” TV.

I'm the neighbors in New England who do Halloween right.

I'm the sad few pennies found amongst the candy. I have no idea how I got here.

I'm a drunk college student dressed in Native American attire, particularly a headdress. Somebody will take my picture and post it on Twitter and/or Facebook bitching about how offensive and culturally insensitive it is.

I'm Tootie in Meet Me In St. Louis. I think it's funny to throw flour in old people's faces. I also think it's funny to throw dummies onto train tracks and possibly cause the deaths of hundreds of people.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley

Ding, ding, ding went the bell

Zing, zing...Jesus, Tootie, you nearly killed all of us. You've got to stop that shit.

I'm The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

I’m the Elder Gay mad that no one gets my camp costume.

“I’m Endora from Bewitched!”

I’m r92 in three years, trying to scrub those photos from the internet when I go job hunting

I love you R85 !

Each Halloween in the early 80s, I had to wear a winter suit underneath my carefully chosen costume. It ruined the effect a bit.

Same here- I fought with my mom every year about having to wear a jacket over my costumes.

We're the Mary Jane candy bars that the elderly couple at the end of the street always gave out only, that the little kids disliked and dropped to the walkway pavement and left behind on their march to the next lit-up house with potential candy booty that hopefully more sensibly included Mounds and Nestle's Crunches.

I'm the toilet paper you'll find in your trees on November 1st. Pray it doesn't rain or get too dewey overnight.

^Pray the squirrels 🐿 & Raccoons 🦝 don’t start wiping their asses with it!?

Oh my goodness, I was also a kid that had to wear a coat over the costume. And it ruined the effect. So I would convince my father to drive us around and pull up to each house as close as he could, then I would ditch the coat in the car and show off the fabulousness of my store bought costume. In Kindergarten, I had a mask that had a light in the forehead. I could flick a switch and turn it on and off.

We used to wear those plastic masks and within moments there was drool coming down inside them. Not good.

I wore a costume made out of bread bags!

I'm Shaye St. John, and I'm one of the ghosts now!

Why didn't you wear long johns underneath instead of coat over? I grew up in NY and never remembering having to wear a coat.

Because we didn't have longjohns

[quote]Why didn't you wear long johns underneath instead of coat over?

Because long johns made your costume too bulky. Nobody wanted to be a lumpy Spiderman.

What kind of bulky long johns were you all buying? Mine were usually form fitting.

[quote]What kind of bulky long johns were you all buying? Mine were usually form fitting.

Store bought costumes didn't have a lot of material.

I'm the best thing about halloween.

No idea what Kerrs is. Gonna assume it’s in the Mary Jane/Bit O Honey vein of wretched mouth-ruining substances.

I really like Bonomo Turkish Taffy.

I mean, if you’re going to make taffy for Halloween, why can’t these companies make vanilla flavored taffy? Or candy apple flavored taffy.

I'm a fan of Mary Janes. (the candy AND the shoes)