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When did you realize a friendship had run it’s course?

Tell us some interesting stories of the moment you realized a friendship you had with someone had run it’s course and that you were just completely done? And it doesn’t have to be anything bad necessarily, just a realization that you had just completely no longer compatible.

by Anonymousreply 192October 30, 2019 6:39 AM

When? When a friend showed he didn't know the difference between it's and its.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 1October 12, 2019 10:59 PM

I called a friend to get an opinion on buying something. Nothing earth shattering, wanted a second opinion.

Within two minutes, we were discussing the friends life and the usual problems at work. Friend went berserk because I wasn't being "supportive" when I suggested that it wasn't totally unreasonable for someone at work to ask to review the supporting documentation and source data for some analysis that they were discussing. Friend hung up on me screaming that it was completely unreasonable because the other people should trust him.

This type of behavior was typical. He'd become unhinged if I ever suggested there was may be a different approach to a situation or if he were, god forbid, wrong about anything - including factual things that were easily confirmed on the internet.

Didn't hear from the friend for several weeks, then got a voicemail pretending like nothing had happened and that there had been nothing unpleasant even though up to that point we usually talked several times a week. No apology, no acknowledgement of any sort.

I told him that we should part company while we still could do so amicably.

by Anonymousreply 2October 12, 2019 11:24 PM

I had a friend who was an annoying narcissist. We moved to the big city from our small town at the same time.

He stood me up for dinner yet again

by Anonymousreply 3October 12, 2019 11:33 PM

When I tried to explain that I was worried that trans rights ignored the concern for women's safety and was told I sounded like a trumpster. I was hoping we could have a respectable debate, but she just jumped into personal attacks.

by Anonymousreply 4October 13, 2019 12:09 AM

My former best friend became a grandmother. Since then, she would talk only about the grandson.

by Anonymousreply 5October 13, 2019 12:22 AM

I made friends with a very fun gay guy soon after moving to a new city to start my first real job after graduating college. He introduced me to his friends, the city, and taught me a lot about gay urban life. We had a blast.

Unfortunately, he was and is tremendously shallow and trashes everyone (including me, of course) behind their backs. He’s a shameless social climber. And he was desperately in love with his gay best friend who had no idea. He was obsessed, talking about the guy non-stop.

We were friends for about ten years. I moved away and we did the long-distance thing until he moved to my city. Suddenly, we were back to spending a ton of time together, in-person, but his behavior began to drive me crazy. I had grown out of wanting to indulge him and could no longer ignore his shenanigans. I wish him no harm but that friendship had to end.

by Anonymousreply 6October 13, 2019 12:39 AM

I made the mistake of "reconnecting" with my old college drama teacher at a reunion party. Hadn't seen him for close to 20 years. Back in the day this guy was brilliant: did innovative, creative, cutting edge productions; his classes were highly sought after and he was revered by his male and female students alike. After I graduated we stayed in touch for a few years; at that point he left teaching and was getting ready to move to New York. And yes, we slept together a few times before he left, and it was great.

After he left town, we lost touch until the reunion party. At that party, even though there were several of his "special" former students there, he glommed onto me like white on rice. By this time he was "semi retired" but still led a local playwriting group, which he urged me to join. We started spending all kinds of time together - dinners out, drinks after the group meetings, etc. I was doing all the driving and picking up all the tabs, but I didn't care - at least not at first. And we still had that sexual frisson - at least at first, although (thankfully) we never acted on it - although most of our friends were convinced we did.

At one of the playwriting group meetings (they were SO boring!) he produced a play of his he had written that was just terrible. He convinced me to "produce" this play, that I was the only one who "really got it", blah blah blah. Looking back I realize this was just a ploy to continue spending time together - he knew I found the playwriting group boring - we often left early just so we could get to that cozy dark little bar he liked so much. As we began work on this "project", it was obvious that it was just a vanity thing, and that the audience would consist mostly of our shared friends. I was too embarrassed to try to enlist more people to come and see it. As the date approached, he became nervous, twitchy and impossible to deal with. I began to see him as he really was - a failure, a loser, a has been/never was. He never completed his thesis, had a variety of jobs, moved around a lot, and ended up right back where he started.

After the two far from well attended productions of his play, I knew I had had it. To my utter amazement, he thought things had gone extremely well and started calling me after that weekend, wanting to hear my "feedback." I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone; he left voice mail after voice mail, getting testier and nastier each time. A letter dropped out of the mailbox one day, and thankfully I simply ripped it up without reading it.

This whole scenario played out over about six months; it left me sad, angry, disillusioned, and wishing I had never gone to that stupid reunion party. Take my advice: NEVER try to rekindle old relationships like this. Some things are best left in the past.

by Anonymousreply 7October 13, 2019 12:39 AM

[quote]Didn't hear from the friend for several weeks, then got a voicemail pretending like nothing had happened and that there had been nothing unpleasant even though up to that point we usually talked several times a week. No apology, no acknowledgement of any sort.

Classic narcissist / abuser move. Avoid.

by Anonymousreply 8October 13, 2019 12:50 AM

Long term friendship - I was actually in love with the guy for a while during college years, but we managed to transition easily to friendship.

But he was always the leading actor, so to speak, in his life, and as time went on it became clear the friends he had were all "sidekicks."

I met my BF and had my own life and would get calls from him every six months or so. Same shit, different call. My patience snapped when he suggested coming to see me and my BF with his teenage son - not so we could catch up, or spend time together, but so he could dump the kid with us to baby sit while he went to the bars and bathhouses.

Click, dial tone, goodbye and good riddance.

by Anonymousreply 9October 13, 2019 12:54 AM

I had a friend in college who was emotionally damaged. She would do things like attempt suicide with bits of glass and then wear obvious bandages on her wrists. She was very Bell Jar.

She would do that thing of being a massive prick and then pretend like nothing had happened. She finally was so offended by something I did ( that I still have no idea what it was) that she gave me the silent treatment. I was so relieved. The people that do this don’t realize it’s not a punishment, it’s a gift.

by Anonymousreply 10October 13, 2019 1:01 AM

My first real adult relationship ended when my partner of two years took off with two friends of his to become a triad or whatever, and he took the joint bank account with him (I know, I was young and dumb).

I took a second job as a bartender at a gay bar to make some extra money and take my mind off my miserable situation.

A friend from my previous city came to visit and flew in late, so I asked him to meet me at the bar and we could go out to eat afterward.

At the late-night meal, he told me he was shocked at how little I'd think of myself to take a job like that and said I must have changed.

I told him to go fuck himself, got up from the table before the food came, and ignored his calls while he was in town. Never spoke to him again.

by Anonymousreply 11October 13, 2019 1:14 AM

R11 You go, girl!

by Anonymousreply 12October 13, 2019 1:16 AM

I wish I could find a way to hit delete on some relationships, though.

Even when I know the friendship is over, I think about them too often. It's some weird thing about not being able to let things just be, and remain unresolved.

by Anonymousreply 13October 13, 2019 1:20 AM

I was a reporter/feature writer for my local newspaper in a city of 100,000+ for more than 20 years. I was very good at what I did, won several awards (some of them national), and was well-regarded in the community. The paper for which I worked was sold to the New York Times, for reasons I never understood. It was quite clear from the beginning that those of us employees who were over the age of 40 and had seniority were not cost-effective, so management did everything they could to get us to quit. I had finally had it, so I, too, found a job elsewhere in a completely different field.

The second I was no longer I was a reporter, I lost three people—two women and one man— whom I had considered very good friends. These were individuals for whom I'd done favors in the past, such as writing stories about their businesses, mentioning them in articles, and using them as references when needing facts for stories I was writing.

They weren't even subtle about it. One lady, an attorney, cut me dead at Costco one day. My next-door neighbor, an high-end educator with the local public school system, stopped being friendly pretty much altogether. The message was clear: you can't help us anymore, so fuck you. The whole experience opened my eyes, and I now try to totally size up people who try to make friends with me.

by Anonymousreply 14October 13, 2019 1:20 AM

[quote]You go, girl!

Thank you, r12. It was particularly ridiculous snobbery since the guy never had a problem hanging out in gay bars. Ugh.

by Anonymousreply 15October 13, 2019 1:27 AM

When I told my friend I was had grave concerns about she and her husband training her -uh-" special needs" (obviously mentally ill to most) how to shoot a firearm ( he has threatened ro burn down his school before) and her response was to text me a picture of their gun safe.

by Anonymousreply 16October 13, 2019 1:50 AM

I read something interesting once, and it's true: If you're chasing after someone, it means they're running from you.

by Anonymousreply 17October 13, 2019 1:55 AM

A close friend suddenly got a job halfway across the country. Turned out he'd been looking, he just hadn't talked about it. Anyhow, he needed help moving all his stuff. He had to start right away, no time to move with his belongings and no money to hire a moving company, so I helped him put his stuff into a storage unit and off he went. Over the next couple of months, he'd call or email me when he needed one of his belongings. I'd drive over the storage unit (in another city), dig through till I found the item, crate it and ship it at my expense. I thought nothing about this, 'cause hey - we were friends.

He finally scheduled the big move and flew back for it. He wanted help, so I agreed to with him and he'd pay my airfare back home. I took two weeks vacation, he rented a moving van, we loaded it up and off we went.

He was squeezing his moving budget to the max. We stayed in dives and worse than dives. Even once an abandoned building, where we just laid down on the floor for the night. Same with the meal budget. I did all the driving, and every time we filled up the tank, he was there, noting the expense. I assumed he'd been given a moving budget (white collar admin job) and was keeping track of his expenses for reimbursement.

The night before we pulled into his home city, while eating a very indifferent meal, he pulled out his notebook and a calculator. I paid no attention, until he pushed the notebook over to me and told me this was my half of the moving expenses.

I said, WTF?! He was insistent.

We very nearly had a knock-down, drag-em-out fight right there. We stopped speaking to each other. It was really tense after that, especially since I was supposed to have stayed at his place for a few days to do some sightseeing before flying back. Instead, I just left. He refused to even take me to the airport, leaving it up to me to find my own way there (I was young and this was my first flight).

Ended up at the airport and had a full-fledged panic attack from all the pent-up rage and stress.

And yeah - he still calls me every few years, whenever he needs something, be it sympathy or a place to stay while he's back here visiting his friends. And even though I say NO and hang up every time.

Asshole.

by Anonymousreply 18October 13, 2019 4:31 PM

Midway through a phone conversation with Debbie Downer shooting down any ideas I had about anything [she had none of her own]. I clearly remember rolling my eyes and thinking, "If that wasn't great acting..." just to get through the conversation. For years I endured her endless depressions. She finally took the last bit of ability I had to put up with her. And she's still a mess after all these years.

by Anonymousreply 19October 13, 2019 4:58 PM

This has to be some of the best written, most heartfelt responses to any DL post.

by Anonymousreply 20October 13, 2019 5:28 PM

^^These have^^

by Anonymousreply 21October 13, 2019 5:29 PM

When the bad outweighs the good- whatever the circumstances.

by Anonymousreply 22October 13, 2019 5:58 PM

Love these stories! Keep them coming!

by Anonymousreply 23October 13, 2019 6:17 PM

[quote]I took two weeks vacation, he rented a moving van, we loaded it up and off we went.

[quote]The night before we pulled into his home city, while eating a very indifferent meal, he pulled out his notebook and a calculator. I paid no attention, until he pushed the notebook over to me and told me this was my half of the moving expenses.

I'm confused, r18. You say you took two weeks vacation. You expected your friend to pay expenses for your vacation?

[quote]Even once an abandoned building, where we just laid down on the floor for the night. Same with the meal budget. I did all the driving, and every time we filled up the tank, he was there, noting the expense.

It sounds like you went on a grand adventure roadtrip with your friend. And you were expecting him to pay for your meals, as well?

I'm little surprised that you'd expect your friend to pay for you entire trip, then quibble about your half of the expenses.

by Anonymousreply 24October 13, 2019 6:49 PM

R18 is a pathetic codependent fool. You should have fucked him and left him to the dogs of poverty.

by Anonymousreply 25October 13, 2019 7:00 PM

I used to think this one person I knew was quirky and hilarious. She actually did well in the comedy world for awhile but opportunities that she fought hard for would equal up to nada. It took me awhile to realize what an asshole she was. For one thing, she’s highly confrontational, she thinks nothing about opening her yap in front of a group of people and embarrassing them over the slightest thing like someone taking the last piece of pizza or not returning a phone call. I’ve had to distance myself from her over the fifteen years we’ve known each other but I did find her amusing and we like a lot of the same things so we would hang out until she started to systematically attack other people in our group. Well, for some reason, she takes it extremely personal when you don’t acknowledge a greeting from her. I barely acknowledge my own birthday, which falls on a holiday, and usually my partner and I will go out of town alone. I guess she sent me a birthday e-mail (I got rid of Facebook years ago) and we made plans so I didn’t go online for a few days and most people text birthday greetings now anyway. About four days after my birthday I get this e-mail ‘Okay, never mind. Regarding the message I sent on blah-blah’. I never saw the first email so instead of apologizing, which I have done in the past just to shut her up, I let it go and her. Life’s too short for this kind of nonsense

by Anonymousreply 26October 13, 2019 7:00 PM

when he asked me to pull out first

by Anonymousreply 27October 13, 2019 8:13 PM

As I'm getting older I can usually tell a friendship is over when I'm at their funeral.

by Anonymousreply 28October 13, 2019 8:32 PM

R24 Are you an idiot? It wasn’t a trip or a vacation for him. He took off time from work to help his worthless friend move. A few days of sightseeing while helping move the assholes’ things out of state doesn’t count as a vacation. Also, OP mailed several of the friends’ items to him with his own money.

You sound like an asshole just like this friend.

by Anonymousreply 29October 13, 2019 8:38 PM

If you're the only one initiating plans to socialize with someone, or the one always calling or texting to keep in touch, then you don't matter to them the same way you THINK they matter to you.

by Anonymousreply 30October 13, 2019 8:51 PM

If someone were helping me move, I would pay all expenses. However, I would make that clear from the start. I don't think it was clear to R18 's friend. There had been a pattern of R18 doing free favors (driving to the neighboring town, digging through a storage container to locate a requested item, shipping requested item, not requesting reimbursements). Something tells me that R18 's friend was very attractive (to R18 , at least).

by Anonymousreply 31October 13, 2019 8:53 PM

A friend from law school and I ended up in different cities. She had some personality problems (liked to hold a grudge, felt slighted over trivial, innocent incidents), but we had very similar politics, so I liked to hang out with her sometimes. During one phone call, I mentioned a mutual acquaintance. She said she didn't like him because of what he'd don't to me. ?!?! I asked what she was talking about. She told me some tale about how he'd slighted me socially; she had the facts all wrong. I straightened her out on the details and thought nothing more of it. Months later on another phone call, she slammed that same guy. Now what? She recounted the same story as before. I straightened her out again on the facts and got off the phone ASAP. I wondered whether she was lying and couldn't keep her lies straight or if she was so nuts that she thought the story she was telling was actually true. And I realized that the grudges she held against other people were probably based on similar bullshit stories. Thereafter when she called, I was polite but not warm. I later heard she was telling people I'd cut her off because I'd gotten a much better job than hers and I thought I was too good for her now. And I was so, so glad I had never revealed anything to her that I would be embarrassed to have made pubic. Totally fucking nuts, although intelligent and quite charming.

by Anonymousreply 32October 13, 2019 9:17 PM

[quote][R24] Are you an idiot? It wasn’t a trip or a vacation for him. He took off time from work to help his worthless friend move. A few days of sightseeing while helping move the assholes’ things out of state doesn’t count as a vacation. Also, OP mailed several of the friends’ items to him with his own money.

I'm crying as I type this...and looking at the signature in r24

by Anonymousreply 33October 13, 2019 10:11 PM

R18, how old was your friend when this happened? If he was over 30 and couldn’t afford to pay for a long-distance move, that should tell you something right there. (You don’t need cash to move; movers take credit cards.)

If he was young or had suffered some unfortunate financial reversal and couldn’t afford movers, then the right answer was to sell off his stuff (or leave it in the cheapest storage place he could find until he could afford them) and start completely fresh in the new city. He was looking for a job in the distant city; the job didn’t just fall out of the sky as a serendipitous opportunity. He should have thought of the relocation problem when he was looking.

You’re well rid of him.

by Anonymousreply 34October 13, 2019 10:26 PM

A former friend who's had some success as a documentary filmmaker - in no small part thanks to the initial "seed money" contributions from colleagues and friends - who wrote a mass email saying she'd be back in town and seeing people between 3 and 5 at a local cafe. Which, according to those not as insulted as was I and who went, turned out to be a shakedown for more money.

by Anonymousreply 35October 13, 2019 11:18 PM

A college friend of mine and I share a birthday. Last year she got huffy because I hadn’t planned a “special enough” celebration for our birthday. (It seems I’m always the planner.)

She’s always very flaky. Expects me to drop everything when she’s having a crisis, but doesn’t return phone calls or texts when I initiate.

She’ll say “ I’m coming into town the 17th or 18th, let’s get together,” then never give me additional information. Then expect me to clear my calendar for those 2 days until she shows up on my doorstep (planning to stay with me.)

I have been through a couple bad times when I was pretty self indulgent and not the best friend, so I try to be understanding when she fucks op.

Apparently the last straw was a few weeks ago. I called her that week because I was having a rough spot at work and just wanted to be distracted and laugh. As usual, she didn’t return the call.

A few days later, she texts me looking for sympathy about her health problems she’s had for years. In the past, I’ve been very supportive and solicitous, without even a thank you.

So I texted back some humorous meme trying to cheer her up. Apparently try let this didn’t go over well.

She’s ignored a couple of texts from me, and It feels like our friendship is over. I’m surprised by how much relief I feel.

It’s hard, though. At my age you value shared history. That’s hard to give up.

by Anonymousreply 36October 13, 2019 11:24 PM

Friends are overrated.

by Anonymousreply 37October 13, 2019 11:33 PM

Friends come and go. It's part of life. Change is inevitable.

by Anonymousreply 38October 13, 2019 11:35 PM

[quote] I began to see him as he really was - a failure, a loser, a has been/never was.

So what you're saying is that you think he's destined for success?

by Anonymousreply 39October 13, 2019 11:37 PM

R35, here's what you should have done:

Drive to the cafe. Tell your chauffeur to double park right outside, if necessary. Have him take your calling card to the door of the cafe and leave it with the waitress to give to your friend. Write nothing on the card, as it is simply to demonstrate that you were aware of your friend's impersonal "at home" notice. Then, drive off. Your will have met every conceivable requirement of manners and etiquette and told your "friend" exactly how little value you place on knowing her socially.

Sometimes, our great-grandmothers had the best approach.

by Anonymousreply 40October 13, 2019 11:46 PM

No, R24, it wasn't a vacation. I spent it working on his behalf - loading and unloading the moving truck, doing the driving while he read the map. There was no sightseeing, no fun times. And he tried to stick me with half the cost of the truck rental, half the cost of the fuel, and half the cost of the meals/lodging. None of which were my responsibility, since I wasn't the one moving.

Doubtless you're the type who charges your friends for the pizza and beer you provide when they help you move.

by Anonymousreply 41October 13, 2019 11:53 PM

there are a lot of strange ideas about friends and what they are suppose to do for you, in the US right now. I just want to go to the movies, theater or out to dinner with new friends. I do not want to be your organ donor, or your one and only friend that completes you. What's with all the conflict and crazy? I just want to have fun and enjoy myself.

by Anonymousreply 42October 14, 2019 12:11 AM

Have people notice there is a steep rise in people you meet who are malicious gossipers and crazy? What is up with this trend?

by Anonymousreply 43October 14, 2019 12:17 AM

[quote]No, [R24], it wasn't a vacation. I spent it working on his behalf - loading and unloading the moving truck, doing the driving while he read the map. There was no sightseeing, no fun times. And he tried to stick me with half the cost of the truck rental, half the cost of the fuel, and half the cost of the meals/lodging. None of which were my responsibility, since I wasn't the one moving.

No wonder it was so easy for him to take advantage of you.

The signature in r24 was "every dumped friend in this thread."

If you cannot figure out the joke, I condole you.

by Anonymousreply 44October 14, 2019 12:20 AM

I'm almost too embarrassed to say what a good friend has done to me in the last few days. He was scheduled to visit next month, but after making flight reservations, he called to ask if I could "chip in" because it was more than he had budgeted for. Also, could I accommodate his weird diet and meal schedule; and he's allergic to almost everything except chicken and oxygen. Mother of God, when do people living in LA get sick of themselves...I've fucking had it!

by Anonymousreply 45October 14, 2019 12:26 AM

And before people living in LA start to jump, this person is 65 years old and has lived all over the world. He's not gluten, egg, or any other thing "intolerant" . He's just an over-therapized, over-indulgent sot who has turned several addictions into others to make them appear less selfish. I'm a half hour or less from calling it off. I just hate to feel like an asshole.

by Anonymousreply 46October 14, 2019 12:34 AM

[quote]I'm a half hour or less from calling it off.

Why call it off? Just say you can't chip in. If he is rude enough to demand to know why, simply say, as RuPaul would say, "I can't see that that is any of your business."

Problem solved since he cannot afford to visit.

by Anonymousreply 47October 14, 2019 12:49 AM

I just dumped R24 for being obtuse.

by Anonymousreply 48October 14, 2019 12:50 AM

[quote]I just dumped [R24] for being obtuse.

Nice recovery from the embarrassment for not getting the joke until it was pointed out.

by Anonymousreply 49October 14, 2019 12:53 AM

It's not the money, R47, it's the manipulation, and the poor planning on his part. He knows I will cough up like I have in the past. He considers himself a bon vivant, but on someone else's dime. It's been years coming; time for me to nut-up and tell him off. The whole thing is just so distasteful to me I have been barely able to breathe for the past few days. At this point it will be cheaper for me to pay for the flight cancellation tjan to foot the bill for the visit. I just want to vomit right now.

by Anonymousreply 50October 14, 2019 12:59 AM

[quote]It's not the money,

Yes, hence the point of telling him you won't chip in; thereby solving the problem of his visiting.

by Anonymousreply 51October 14, 2019 1:01 AM

when I got tired of being my fag hag's emotional tampon (doing a str8 guy's job, basically)

by Anonymousreply 52October 14, 2019 1:05 AM

R50-just tell him you can't subsidize his flight and look forward to his visiting when he has the money. Repeat firmly until it sinks in. This isn't brain surgery. You'll be surprised at how liberated you feel when you say no.

by Anonymousreply 53October 14, 2019 1:12 AM

Tell him you have pneumonia and can't make it R50, doctor's orders. Become creative with lies and excuses. Grow up.

by Anonymousreply 54October 14, 2019 1:14 AM

R50-you said he couldn't afford the ticket, so I'm assuming one hasn't been purchased yet. So why, then, would you have to pay for the flight cancellation? That makes zero sense. If he already has a ticket in hand, there is no need for you to chip in. Either way, his flight should not be costing you a dime.

by Anonymousreply 55October 14, 2019 1:14 AM

[quote] He knows I will cough up like I have in the past. He considers himself a bon vivant, but on someone else's dime. It's been years coming; time for me to nut-up and tell him off. The whole thing is just so distasteful to me I have been barely able to breathe for the past few days. At this point it will be cheaper for me to pay for the flight cancellation tjan to foot the bill for the visit. I just want to vomit right now.

Mary! How old are you? Grow some balls. Stop being so dramatic. Do you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life? Put an end to this!

by Anonymousreply 56October 14, 2019 1:21 AM

[quote][R50]-you said he couldn't afford the ticket, so I'm assuming one hasn't been purchased yet. So why, then, would you have to pay for the flight cancellation? That makes zero sense. If he already has a ticket in hand, there is no need for you to chip in. Either way, his flight should not be costing you a dime.

I just assumed that r50's friend bought the ticket, so saying chip in for the ticket is merely the mealy-mouthed way of saying he wants cash to come visit.

by Anonymousreply 57October 14, 2019 1:22 AM

Ok guys, I'm listening. And I swear to God I'm trying to get a foothold on the situation. Yes, the flight is booked, but apparently cost more than he thought it would or had planned for. Totally not my problem, I agree. I was just so taken aback by his attitude, as if I needed to make up the difference, I have been at a loss for what needs to be said versus what I really want to say. I know what needs to be done, but am hesitant to do it. We've all been there, right?.. Thanks for the support; I'm just slow at burning bridges. I will get there.

by Anonymousreply 58October 14, 2019 1:31 AM

[quote] I know what needs to be done, but am hesitant to do it. We've all been there, right?.. Thanks for the support; I'm just slow at burning bridges. I will get there.

When? On his next subsidized (by you) trip to your town? Is sex part of the deal? Is that why you're reluctant to burn bridges? Sorry, something's not adding up here.

by Anonymousreply 59October 14, 2019 1:37 AM

1) When she asked me to look out for her daughter and tell her if I thought she was doing anything that would hurt her, then let her abusive husband and stepfather of that child come back into the house after the child called the police because she thought her mom was in danger.

2) When he had a melodramatic tantrum because I am married to someone else, which I had been all along and the relationship was and always had been a platonic one. He ghosted me in the end.

by Anonymousreply 60October 14, 2019 1:38 AM

R58-You didn't twist his arm to purchase the ticket when it was more than he expected. Again, just say "I am unable to subsidize your ticket." Period. No "I'm sorry." Those two words leave you open.

by Anonymousreply 61October 14, 2019 1:43 AM

You're right, R61. I will do it, I just fucking hate the situation. And no, R59, no sex involved. Sorry it doesn't add up for you.

by Anonymousreply 62October 14, 2019 1:48 AM

I saw a friend of mine after losing contact for about 2-3 years. During the first year of university I was very close to her and another guy. We were always together, ate, studied, slept at each other's apartment. I was the only one who passed the exams but we stayed close for a few years although they chose different fields. We lost contact with the guy first (I'm pretty sure they slept together and it ended badly), than we drifted apart a few years later. I really liked her, she was smart and funny, the kind of weed-smoking artistic type. We reconnected a few years later on facebook and decided to meet, but there was no spark or chemistry like it used to. And she was suddenly a clean cut lawyer.

I remember when we were saying we should do this again someday, we looked at each other and we both knew it was a lie.

I am a bit sad because I'd like to experience a friendship like that again in my life but I know it won't happen at my age.

by Anonymousreply 63October 14, 2019 1:49 AM

You never know, R63. Life has a way of surprising us.

by Anonymousreply 64October 14, 2019 1:51 AM

You're sweet, R64. Thanks.

by Anonymousreply 65October 14, 2019 1:54 AM

Perhaps, R40, but I suspect the absence of my checkbook was noted (and missed) far more than my scintillating company.

by Anonymousreply 66October 14, 2019 2:45 AM

Just to clarify, R39 - it made me sad to see what he had become. He left teaching to go to New York and finish his thesis - didn't happen. Then he moved to Chicago to break into the theater scene there - didn't happen. He landed back here and took a one year job at a local university, knowing it wasn't a tenure track position.

He still thinks he is hot shit in the local theater scene here, even though most people regard him as pretty much of a joke. He never should have left teaching.

by Anonymousreply 67October 14, 2019 3:01 AM

I made friends with a guy when I relocated to a new city. We had sex once, when we first met, but veered into friendship after. We used to meet for dinner once a week or so, followed by an AA meeting. When we first met it was through Grwlr; I only told him I was in AA later. That was when he told me he was sober over 25 years, but hadn’t gone to a meeting in decades. So he had started to go with me.

Every so often, I’d catch him lying about something, and his response was, simply, “I lied,” with no explanation. Then, at one point, I realized I’d been catching him in a lie about once a week. Finally, one night during dinner, though I hadn’t said anything to him, I realized I’d already caught him lying to me three times that night. And that made me understand that, if I’d caught him lying three times, how many other lies had he told that I hadn’t caught?

I never saw or spoke to him again. I thought of explaining my feelings, but realized it would do no good. He was never going to change. He’d just keep on lying. At times, I’d found he was lying to others. So I certainly wasn’t the only one.

Once trust is broken, suspicion will continue.

by Anonymousreply 68October 14, 2019 3:08 AM

Bump

by Anonymousreply 69October 14, 2019 3:32 AM

[uote] Then he moved to Chicago to break into the theater scene there - didn't happen. He landed back here and took a one year job at a local university, knowing it wasn't a tenure track position. He still thinks he is hot shit in the local theater scene here, even though most people regard him as pretty much of a joke. He never should have left teaching.

Wow, except for the tenure bit you could have been talking about my ex-friend.

He's come close to success several times and then had a meltdown because, you know, he'd actually have to come through if he was successful. Now he's stuck in one of the dreariest towns ever and thinks he's king of the local theater community.

by Anonymousreply 70October 14, 2019 3:38 AM

I feel like I know the ‘Theatre Friend’ as well! Is there just a Corky from ‘Waiting For Guffman’ in every town?

by Anonymousreply 71October 14, 2019 4:16 AM

I had a boss who became a friend after I left my position. We had occasional lunch dates for a long while when I realized I was initiating all the lunches. He always accepted and we had pleasant times, often talking about our jobs as well as our lives, but I never felt completely at ease. I had a lot of respect for him as a boss. I stopped calling to see what would happen and never heard from him again. Now I pay more attention and if a friendship isn't reciprocal I don't pursue it. I've also made an effort to hang out with positive people who like to do interesting things and aren't complaining all the time. I'm much happier this way.

by Anonymousreply 72October 14, 2019 4:18 AM

I had dinner tonight with a small group of friends One of the people there was a woman I have been distancing myself from, I haven't seen her in a year. I would end the friendship but we have mutual friends. She is so fucking snarky most of the time. I don't want to cause a riff within the group so I will so my best to distance myself.

I have another friend I need to take a break from. Fortunately she lives on the other coast because she is really frustrating to deal with. She is on disability due to mental health problems; there is no way she could hold a job.. I help her out financially here and there and call and message her, but I just need a break from her. She really doesn't have anyone else in her life so I don't want to totally abandon her.

by Anonymousreply 73October 14, 2019 5:04 AM

[R46] CALL IT OFF. Feeling like an asshole is wrong, looking after yourself and not being sucked into somebody else's fuckery is right!

by Anonymousreply 74October 14, 2019 6:13 AM

After a living a while you will learn to be very of people who are overly self disclosing. They share outrageous secrets way too soon in a relationship. Run don't walk from these people. They just want you to share something so they can emotionally blackmail you. Go to a shrink if you feel like sharing. Keep your own counsel and share little. Make your decisions based on time and what the other person has shown you before you are trusting.

by Anonymousreply 75October 14, 2019 7:24 AM

"When did you realize a friendship had run it’s course?"

When it is no longer expedient to tolerate their shit.

Conversely, when they are no longer willing to tolerate your shit.

Everybody is posting their "poor me" stories. Nobody's posted the "I was a shit that got dumped" story.

You might want to look into that.

by Anonymousreply 76October 14, 2019 8:42 AM

When I dread receiving a text or phone call from them.

I have two soon-to-be former friends who fit into this category. At one time we were close but perhaps over time situations or interests change and we learn to move on.

by Anonymousreply 77October 14, 2019 9:02 AM

[quote]emotional tampon

LOL. Love this. May I borrow it, R52? It perfectly describes a relationship I was in for years with a classic BPD. I had supported her in every way possible. I was her therapist, best friend, counselor, 24/7 emergency hot line, financial advisor and ATM machine. I got very little in return. She could barely feign interest in 'my' life. When I finally "stated my boundaries" and told her what a selfish, navel gazing asshole she was, she ghosted me.

Selfishness is a common theme in most of these stories. Narcissistic users and takers are exhausting. They don't deserve the good hearted people they abuse.

by Anonymousreply 78October 14, 2019 10:15 AM

When my best friend didn’t tell me he was getting married until after it happened and then also moved to the other side of the country a week after letting me know it was happening.

“I’m a private person.”

by Anonymousreply 79October 14, 2019 10:25 AM

When you realise you are the one initiating all contact, and stop, only to find you don't ever hear from them.

by Anonymousreply 80October 14, 2019 10:31 AM

About 90% of the people posting in this thread need to read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. For years, I made fun of self-help books, then after a crisis I read this one at the recommendation of a friend. It confirmed that I was codependent, felt responsible for other people's well-being, and had almost zero concept of appropriate boundaries. So I was attracting toxic people and co-creating a toxic relationship with them.

Once I learned about setting boundaries and keeping to them, it changed everything. The wrong people in my life left and the right ones stayed, and I no longer attract the wrong ones as much as before and can spot them when I do, so I can keep my distance.

Naked Beneath My Clothes, take note.

by Anonymousreply 81October 14, 2019 11:38 AM

When I overheard her mocking me to the group we were living with on vacation.

by Anonymousreply 82October 14, 2019 11:46 AM

R80, Agreed. But if I did that, I'd reduce my "friends" from five to two, so I persevere.

by Anonymousreply 83October 14, 2019 11:48 AM

Have the satisfaction of ghosting them, R83.

by Anonymousreply 84October 14, 2019 12:08 PM

I had a friend from work that I hung out with outside of work on the weekends, knew his family & attended some family events - not extremely close, but what I would consider close friends for adults. During the economic downturn, I got laid off & he didn't - no hard feelings there - but when we no longer worked together, this person no longer made an effort to be friends, even though I was unemployed for a time and lived relatively close. I initially chalked it up to some degree of guilt & not knowing what to say, but when I got another job & moved out of the area, I had lunch with a group of several former co-workers and he was oddly hostile. After I moved, I made multiple attempt to reconnect with this individual, but no response. Occasionally, I get a message via social media which I reply to, but I could never really understand why this person cut me off as no real falling out occurred. I thought we were friends in addition to being colleagues, but apparently not.

by Anonymousreply 85October 14, 2019 12:12 PM

I knew the friendship was over when calling/texting the friend felt like a chore and not like a joy.

I knew the friendship was over when the past was the only thing we had in common.

by Anonymousreply 86October 14, 2019 12:44 PM

{quote]I had a boss who became a friend after I left my position. We had occasional lunch dates for a long while when I realized I was initiating all the lunches. He always accepted and we had pleasant times, often talking about our jobs as well as our lives, but I never felt completely at ease. I had a lot of respect for him as a boss. I stopped calling to see what would happen and never heard from him again. Now I pay more attention and if a friendship isn't reciprocal I don't pursue it. I've also made an effort to hang out with positive people who like to do interesting things and aren't complaining all the time. I'm much happier this way.

r72, having been the boss in such situations, you're always reticent about imposing yourself on your "friends" who used to work for you. There's always the hesitation that they're only accepting invitations in the same way that people always laugh at the boss's jokes - at least if he's a decent person who understands the uneven power dynamics of such situations.

Even when you're no longer working together, depending on the industry or company, many people look at old bosses as "networking" opportunities and references, not people. In turn, you as a former boss, you wouldn't want to have people feel like they are obligated just to maintain that.

Or, the friendship was one-sided. However, if he always accepted and was cordial, I would tend toward not wanting to impose over one-sided.

Just a few thoughts.

by Anonymousreply 87October 14, 2019 1:36 PM

I have an older friend, now 80, who was widowed about three years ago. He's from Eastern Europe, not terribly educated, has trouble reading and writing English, and does not have a broad range of interests. His kids generally have no use for him. He does have trouble controlling his mouth and often gets into fights with them, but really does not argue with me at all. He has helped me a lot over the years with my house, and I have tried to help him whenever I can. His wife took care of all of the financial matters in his house, and he literally does not even know how to write a check. I have been going over to his house once a month, writing his checks out for him and having him sign them. I have thought about just setting up all of his accounts on line, but his kids are all about money, and I am sure that I would get accused of embezzling his money if I did...I want him to sign all of his own checks and I do not want signatory powers on his account, either. I think he is also coming down with memory loss, as he tends to forget things all of the time. I've taken him on some short vacation trips with me, and at times he has been an embarrassment with his comments, and he has wandered off on his own, causing somewhat of a panic. He calls me daily, telling me how nobody calls him and he's lonely. His big interest in life is now watching television reruns of the 1960's, and most of his conversation is based on these programs. He constantly wants to spend time with me, and I am really pretty busy, working out, going to school, working on my old car, working on my house, etc. He's very jealous of my other friendships, and when he's out with my other friends, it's always some sort of picking or sniping against them, trying to start a fight. I feel responsible for him, and while taking care of their father should be his children's responsibility, his son is a millionaire and has no use for him, and his daughter only comes over when she wants money. I just wish I could get somebody to help with all of the responsibilities, as I am getting overwhelmed with the ever increasing neediness.

by Anonymousreply 88October 14, 2019 2:10 PM

In my case, OP, it was when I sadly realized my friend didn't even know the difference between "it's" and "its."

by Anonymousreply 89October 14, 2019 2:10 PM

[R88], you know what to do. There's never gonna be a convenient time to do it. Yes, you're going to feel like a heel. But you'll be free of this. Call his sewer drains of children and insist on a meeting NOW, with no excuses for time. It will take you less than five minutes. I'd suggest you write down what you want to say. And read it out loud. You have done enough for this man. And don't cripple yourself about saying goodbye to him. If his children were in any way present, you wouldn't be suffering like this. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! It's OK to feel like an asshole when this happens.

by Anonymousreply 90October 14, 2019 2:17 PM

I had a friend whom I met at my first job after undergrad. She was hilariously funny, and a fun person to go out with. Many of us would do happy hour on Friday and she would crack us up with her stories and jokes. We all hated where we worked and hated our managers, who were three of the biggest bitches I've ever worked for. I bonded in particular with this woman.

We were friends for over 25 years. As we became closer, I realized how addicted to drama this woman was. The hilarious exterior was somewhat real. She really was clever and funny. But the emotional drama got worse and worse over the years, mostly self-created. I moved to another city not that far away (about a 3 hour drive). We'd visit each other about twice a year or so.

As the years went on, these visits became more and more about her drama, depression, bad life choices, etc. She was also terrible about making plans, then canceling at the last minute. We had a few fights over the years about this issue. There were always a hundred excuses about how difficult her life was so that's why she'd cancel, or flat out forget about our plans. The last time she did this, I just told her I was done. I had cleared my schedule for the weekend to spend it with her and she drops a text about an hour before we're supposed to meet coming up with more drama, always looking for sympathy. I texted her back that I'd had it, this was a pattern we'd discussed, and I was breaking the friendship because I couldn't trust her. I urged her to figure her shit out, but I was done.

She was shocked that I finally ended it. It's not like we saw each other frequently anymore, even after I moved back to the city where I'd met her. I frankly couldn't stand to hear about her constant drama and didn't consider her much of a real friend anymore. She hadn't changed from when I met her when we were in our 20s. I'm not the same person, but she still is. Sometimes you just outgrow another person. I wish her well, but as other posters above have written, I'm done with friendships where I'm expected to give more. The takers never stop taking. I'd rather have fewer friends whom I can count on than these "fun" friends who are emotionally unstable.

by Anonymousreply 91October 14, 2019 3:24 PM

R88-the kids are taking major advantage of you. You are very kind, but this man is not your responsibility and you may be setting yourself up for a lawsuit for even being involved in his finances. Extricate yourself now.

by Anonymousreply 92October 14, 2019 3:25 PM

I've dropped a few friends for similar reasons to R92. I didn't always have as much drama with them, but as I termed it, I decided to "water the flowers that grow." The people who show me some interest, some intellectual and emotional life, I continue to spend time working on our friendship.

I've never been a fan of those stuck in the past. Too many old friends want to do the "remember when" greatest hits every time we're together and then we run out of things to say after an hour.

I have one friend I love dearly who is a bit of a handful, but the pluses still outweigh the minuses with him. I occasionally get frustrated because he makes his own life as complicated as he humanly can sometimes, and then wonders why he's overwhelmed with anxiety, but I just find that I need to take a deep breath, step back and let him steer his own car when that becomes a conflict point for us. I am not responsible for his happiness nor he mine. So we appreciate each other better that way, I think.

by Anonymousreply 93October 14, 2019 3:36 PM

What about the friends who dissappear when they couple up and then reappear when it doesn't work out?

I have a close friend from college who's done that 2-3 times now. He's a ghost, doesn't return texts, emails, etc. when there's a bf in the picture, but then when it's back to the single life, we're supposed to pick up where we left of? Thanksbutno.

by Anonymousreply 94October 14, 2019 4:25 PM

I hate those responses that say people ended friendships because the friend did not turn out to be as successful as they expected and/or was depressed and had problems in life. I mean specifically the one with the drama teacher - why did you produce his play if it was so bad?! - and R91. Don't delude yourself, R91, you're a taker too. You liked your friend because she was funny and provided a service for you - to give you a good, light-hearted time. The minute it was revealed that she, too, has real-life problems, and, as friends do, shared them with you, you selfishly bailed off. I say you were the asshole in that relationship and she's probably confused, sad and wondering why she lost what she thought was a true friendship and where she went wrong. Bravo to you.

by Anonymousreply 95October 14, 2019 4:27 PM

You're way off base, R95. I was there for her constantly, but she was never really there for me after the first few years because of her manufactured 24/7 drama. I liked her for far more than her humor and we knew each others' lives and backgrounds because of our many talks. In the first few years of our friendship, it was a more give and take, but she was always more the taker. Toward the end, it was constant manufactured drama and listening to her problems brought on by her bad life choices, which she used as an excuse for her constant fuck ups. I was actually the last one of her good friends to bid her goodbye. The others had done so long before me. She stepped on so many friendships, and deep down she knows it.

So typical of people like you to lay down some judgment without any insight into the actual situation. She killed the friendship and she knows it. In fact, her last text to me was an apology and a statement that she realized she had lost yet another friend due to her own selfishness. She knows what she's like. She just refuses to change.

So, R95, you're wrong, but I suspect that's typical for someone like you. But I bet you think you're always right.

by Anonymousreply 96October 14, 2019 5:07 PM

I dropped a friend over 15 years ago now who I had enjoyed a three year friendship with. She was a ton of fun to be around and party with. However, she was very obviously a jealous person, and could not stand the idea that she might not be #1 in any of her friends' lives, including mine. She was jealous of my best friend and tried to steal that friendship away while creating some nasty "triangle" in which she repeatedly caused drama by backstabbing both of us and playing us against each other. Finally my best friend and I sat down and compared notes, confirmed that she had been trying to fuck with us both behind the other's back, and both dumped her. Shortly before the dumping I found out she had tried to plant doubts about me in my partner's mind, so I already knew it was time to cut ties, but luckily my best friend came around at about the same time, so we were able to save our friendship from that toxic monster.

by Anonymousreply 97October 14, 2019 5:09 PM

You sound like a charmer, R96. No, you did no wrong by dumping your friend along with everyone else and blaming her for it. You type like guilty consciousness

by Anonymousreply 98October 14, 2019 5:19 PM

Stop projecting, R96. You sound like an ice cold cunt

by Anonymousreply 99October 14, 2019 5:21 PM

Aaaand R98 proved my point that she's always convinced she's right without knowing the first thing about the situation. And R99 thinks recounting the true story is somehow projecting. I wonder how both of you explain away her final text? But I'm sure you do. You both don't know the first thing about what happened. Content yourselves in your own cuntiness. That's all you probably have.

by Anonymousreply 100October 14, 2019 5:23 PM

R100, I simply don't understand how apologizing and admitting to one's mistakes is understood by you as a confirmation that they're a bad friend and a permission to dump them to the gutter. It still sounds like YOU're the bad friend - for letting her take the full blame. No, you're right, you're not giving the full recount of the situation - we haven't heard a word about what YOU did less than perfectly - apparently nothing. And it still seems that you hate her for the fact that she has problems you don't want to deal with - which is okay, until you started painting her as a bad person who deserves what she got. I'm glad I'm not your 'friend'.

by Anonymousreply 101October 14, 2019 5:29 PM

Probably posted above but can't be bothered to look:

"It's" = "it is"

I think you mean its

by Anonymousreply 102October 14, 2019 5:36 PM

If someone has the same problems for 25 years and continues to make the same bad life choices for 25 years that cause the problems, that's on them. I never said I was perfect. I always apologize if I've done something wrong. And I don't expect my friends to only ever listen to me and my issues. My friendships today are all give and take, and I've been friends with people far longer than I was with her. And her apology? It was bullshit and the same type she gave over and over again but then repeated the same behavior. Saying you're sorry is meaningless if you just repeat what you've always done. It was her acknowledgement that she realized her behavior had cost her yet another friend that was somewhat encouraging, but I'm done. Are you missing that this was repeat behavior? She did this all the time. It was just the last straw for me.

I'm sure glad you're not my friend, but then I've never been friends with people like you who think they can judge a situation they don't even know or understand. The fact that you're defending the manufactured drama queen whose life is in constant disarray because of her own bad life choices speaks volumes about you, and not in a good way.

by Anonymousreply 103October 14, 2019 5:41 PM

I went on vacation with him. You learn a lot that way.

by Anonymousreply 104October 14, 2019 5:46 PM

Got taken care of 'way back at R89, R102.

by Anonymousreply 105October 14, 2019 5:49 PM

The wannabe schoolmarms at R1 and R102 are so fucking tiresome. Autocorrect fucks up sometimes and even if it’s human error, who the fuck cares? We’re posting on Datalounge; not typing a fucking thesis.

by Anonymousreply 106October 14, 2019 5:53 PM

[quote]What about the friends who dissappear when they couple up and then reappear when it doesn't work out?

I flat-out remind them what they did and why the friendship will not be resurrected.

by Anonymousreply 107October 14, 2019 5:56 PM

R106 personifies the dumbing-down of America.

by Anonymousreply 108October 14, 2019 5:59 PM

R108 Too fucking bad grandpa. That’s your problem.

by Anonymousreply 109October 14, 2019 6:02 PM

R7 here, the "producer" - l was a COMPLETE SAP, that's why!! Looking back, I realize that there were subtle signs from the very beginning that I chose to rationalize away or ignore, until they became giant red flags waving in my face. This whole scenario pressed a lot of psychological buttons that I should have (but failed) to acknowledge at the time. For one thing, the Nostalgia Button was very powerful: it harkened back to a very happy time in my life, when I was part of a very tight and talented circle of friends, with him as our teacher and mentor. I remember the exact moment he walked into that party and the almost visceral impact it had on me: I felt like stupid Scarlett O'Hara when she saw Ashley for the first time after his grand tour of Europe. He still looked pretty good, was full of snappy one liners, spraying that charm juice all over the goddamn place. Especially on me.

Then there was the Availability Button: I was single then, and had a work from home job which paid extremely well but allowed me a lot of flexibility, so I had plenty of time to offer him, which others in the group didn't really have. And let's not forget the We Had Sex Button: he brought it up first, pulling me aside at the party, where we had this cute little exchange about how many times it actually was (he kept saying it was three, when it was actually two) but as I said, I was a SAP and found this kind of cute.

I believe he trotted out the play to actually give us something to do: he knew I didn't care for the playwriting group, which only met twice a month, and as he spun out his history over the past couple of decades I think he sensed that I no longer saw him as a beloved teacher and mentor. And I got tired of the sexual banter that invariably cropped up over the late night drinking. So the whole "project" was a nostalgia vehicle designed to recreate a dynamic that had played out back then: I felt flattered to be "chosen" by him, and felt "needed" to make this happen for him. I was a FIRST CLASS, card carrying SAP!!

I wish I could explain how BAD the play was, and how uncomfortable the reaction was from our friends in the audience. But that, and some kind of internal switch I felt at the time, made it absolutely impossible for me to even pick up the phone the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that....by the time the letter arrived, thankfully most of the fog had lifted.

And while i take complete responsibility for my own actions (I was a vulnerable sap!!) I still feel some sadness for the way things turned out - not so much for him, but for myself. I always had fond and grateful memories of this guy, and would have gone to my grave with them had this encounter not transpired. And I felt shame and anger at the way he traded on our history for his own purposes. But in the end, I am proud of myself for pulling the plug on the whole thing. Even though I WAS A SAP!!!!!!! And all I can say to my dear DL friends, is: if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, HEED MY WARNING!! Don't be a SAP!!!

by Anonymousreply 110October 14, 2019 6:05 PM

Things went south between me and my ex best friend after 15 years of friendship when I got a terrible medical diagnosis and could no longer party with him. Instead of caring that I had to finally put my health first he became irate & narcissistic. Constantly belittling me, wanting 'proof', just all out bullshit. The kicker was when he actually sent a screenshot of him bitching about me & calling me a liar (while I was in the hospital I might add) to my phone instead of to another friend. I had bailed this person out of jail and other messy situations which he never appreciated. Just felt the world owed him. When I finally called him out on his nonsense he had the nerve to tell me I was the problem & he was hurt then blocked me. It's been years now since we've spoken but I hear third hand he's still complaining to anyone that'll listen and I'm still the bad guy.

by Anonymousreply 111October 14, 2019 6:06 PM

R111 Like the saying goes: some people don’t appreciate the things we do for them until we stop doing them. In your ex-friends’ case, he now realizes all you did for him, but instead of being appreciative, he’s furious because he knows those days are over.

by Anonymousreply 112October 14, 2019 6:10 PM

R103, you sure use the expression 'people like you' a lot, lol. Here's how I picture you:

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 113October 14, 2019 6:13 PM

Thank you, R106 / R109, for proving my point. Such breathtaking eloquence!

by Anonymousreply 114October 14, 2019 6:17 PM

R113 posted her own picture.

by Anonymousreply 115October 14, 2019 6:19 PM

@112 and that's the truth.

by Anonymousreply 116October 14, 2019 6:19 PM

R110, sounds like you're mourning the fact that he isn't the hero you thought the was anymore. My guess is he never was all that hot anyway - you simply grew up and learned to see people without the rose-tinted glasses of youth. I can actually relate because I've had the exact same change of perception about my drama teacher whom I WORSHIPPED!!! Now I see what a vapid, narcissistic fraud she's been all along and it makes me sad and angry

by Anonymousreply 117October 14, 2019 6:20 PM

I had a co worker who was almost like a brother to me. We were both nurses working on ICU and we went out quite a bit. He’s straight/married/ex military and I’m gay, but he was super gay ally ... asking questions about “Gay 101” and generally just a decent guy. Admitted to me that his father had revealed to him that he (the dad) was gay. Has twin grandsons, one of which constructed AND wore a mermaid costume for show and tell at elementary school (you do the math on that one)!

Super supportive of me in my AIDS dx, even going so far as doing AIDS LifeCycle and climbing/hiking Half Dome in Yosemite with me.

But then Trump happened. He started getting more and more vociferous about “his” property taxes going for “illegal aliens.” He screamed about “non property owners” even getting to vote on property tax ballot measures (I had to tell him, “Who do you think pays all the property taxes for landlords anyway — it’s the renters!”).

Started identifying more and more with fringe web sites and sticking it to the liberals (in a “har-har isn’t that funny” passive aggressive manner). Started sending me memes of AOC, Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi and Kamala Harris that were incredibly misogynistic — and it was always females, never Democratic Party males.

He blocked me on FB “for the sake of our friendship,” which actually means he couldn’t handle my friends calling him out on his shit, the delicate snowflake he was. Finally, we agreed not to talk about politics but we just couldn’t stop it.

I told him I found it deeply offensive that not only did he support a President who didn’t give a shit about LGBT rights (hello faggoty grandson!), but who treated females with such outright degradation (hello daughters!).

After I told him in all sincerity that it was a struggle to maintain our friendship, he blasted me with a nasty email saying how awful I was for letting our friendship slide (!!!). and that I was a User, etc. He felt I should be more forgiving and understanding of differences (Hello Ellen!). He simply could not understand how deeply offensive his views were to me, as a fucking sentient human being.

Fuck him. Haven’t even wanted to contact him anymore.

by Anonymousreply 118October 14, 2019 7:05 PM

It's kinda good that Trump, Putin et al. revealed so many people for who they really were all along. Good riddance, R118

by Anonymousreply 119October 14, 2019 7:13 PM

The moment I realized there was nothing more wanted from me.

People are users and cunts.

by Anonymousreply 120October 14, 2019 8:03 PM

[R118], that is MAJOR shite. I'm sorry you had to be subject to such concentrated betrayal.

by Anonymousreply 121October 14, 2019 8:44 PM

You're better off, R118. And it sounds like you know it.

by Anonymousreply 122October 14, 2019 8:46 PM

R118-he patted himself on the back for having a gay friend - see, I really am open-minded!! - when really the whole time he was a conservative cum rag. You're better off, but I' sorry you had to endure that. R103, I'm sorry you have to endure the likes of R113. His petty obsession with you is a little odd, I must say.

by Anonymousreply 123October 14, 2019 9:09 PM

I am finding that more people I meet are nasty, and boring. All they do is talk shit about people. Friends, family, peer group and work mates, it never ends. Gossipers are not only rude, they're boring. No, i do not want to hear about how you do not like your college friend or some random person at work. Not only are you showing your cunty true colors, you are BORING.

When is kind and enjoyable coming back into vogue?

by Anonymousreply 124October 14, 2019 10:43 PM

Actually, Miss R105, that got taken care of waaaaaay back at R1.

But I digress.

by Anonymousreply 125October 14, 2019 11:21 PM

OMG r14. People are scum.

by Anonymousreply 126October 14, 2019 11:24 PM

She could have been testing you to see if YOUR story was consistent, R32.

But I hate people who lie and test others in that passive aggressIve way, so I wouldn’t have remained friends, either.

by Anonymousreply 127October 15, 2019 1:33 AM

I had a friend who I socialized with for quite a few years. She was funny, generous, smart, etc. We hit if off well and had common interests. I was very supportive when she needed relationship advice (she'd get into so many convoluted and hopeless romances)--but I noticed that our talks were becoming almost always about her. Others who knew her felt the same way. It seemed I had to drop everything to console her, bolster her up, etc. Plus she was getting neurotic as hell, creating more and more drama and even deceit around herself.

Anyway, the last time we spoke, about 20 years ago, she got mad at me when she thought I wasn't being "supportive" ---i.e., she was fucking a married man, planning in fact to steal him from his wife. She even knew the wife and the kids socially and damn i thought that pretty low of her (and him, of course). I told her that and she angrily blew me off. So I moved on, too. Shit happens. The friendship did indeed run its course.

This summer I found out quite by accident that she is now seriously ill, and may die unless she gets a double lung transplant. Now of course, I wonder if I should reach out to her---but my gut instinct says to leave it be, the past is the past.

by Anonymousreply 128October 15, 2019 4:54 AM

R128 If she hasn’t contacted you in 20 years and everything was always about her, you just need to leave the past in the past and wish her well silently.

by Anonymousreply 129October 15, 2019 5:23 AM

It’s a sad commentary on how deeply dishonest and degenerate Republicans have become, R118.

Like Louis C.K. said Republicans and Democrats used to be friends with differences. Nowadays, they hate each other. I blame G.O.P. leaders.

by Anonymousreply 130October 15, 2019 5:31 AM

Hmm, well being labeled a deplorable and sneered at didn't help matters, R130.

by Anonymousreply 131October 15, 2019 5:51 AM

Well, America is no longer a democratic republic and life as we know it will end if politeness and kindness is what you offer to an entire Republican party that is pro-corruption and completely without honor or honesty.

Anyone who votes Republican in this day and age IS deplorable.

Sorry if that offends you, but life is better when the government isn’t lying crooks, failures and hypocrites. I’m not going quietly.

by Anonymousreply 132October 15, 2019 6:02 AM

>>>"...life is better when the government isn’t lying crooks, failures and hypocrites. "

Indeed.

by Anonymousreply 133October 15, 2019 7:35 AM

[R128], please don't; act in haste, repent at leisure. She will not have changed one iota.

by Anonymousreply 134October 15, 2019 10:51 AM

Thanks, R129 and R134.

by Anonymousreply 135October 15, 2019 12:59 PM

There's a lyrics, "Sometimes I gave just enough of myself/But most times nothing at all." From Joan Armatrading's song "The Letter." That sums up my take on lots of these stories. Including my own. You finally realize you're the only one making plans, setting time aside, generating ideas... it's a quiet let down to be faced with the truth...

by Anonymousreply 136October 15, 2019 1:04 PM

[quote]This summer I found out quite by accident that she is now seriously ill, and may die unless she gets a double lung transplant. Now of course, I wonder if I should reach out to her---but my gut instinct says to leave it be, the past is the past.

[quote][[R128]], please don't; act in haste, repent at leisure. She will not have changed one iota.

Actually, she probably has changed her tune at a minimum.

As they say, "there are no atheists in fox holes."

by Anonymousreply 137October 15, 2019 4:44 PM

Thirding the, 'when you pray they don't message or call you again' and 'when you feel relieved they ghost or fall through'.

This is an eye-opening crucial thread with a wealth of useful diagnostics for those in abusive situations. It's also very depressing.

by Anonymousreply 138October 15, 2019 8:17 PM

I do not understand the point you are trying to make, r136. That song lyric also does not make sense.

by Anonymousreply 139October 16, 2019 11:40 PM

I am almost embarrassed to post this here because of the amount of gay drama in it, but here goes. during the 90s I was best friends with another closeted, but married, guy I’ll call John. We both got outed by his wife who thought we were having an affair (we were not). She left him after taking everything in their apartment and cleaning out all the bank accounts, so I let him move in with me. For the next year, we had a really great time, exploring the gay world together and competing with each other over AOL chatroom hookups. We were such good buddies I honestly thought we would end up retiring together since gay marriage wasn’t even a pipe dream in those days.

Anyway, John met Mark, and falls totally in love. They decide to take things really slow, and John is convinced he’s found his soul mate. Mark is short, handsome, muscular, blond, a musician, and lives with a much older guy, Luke, who is “investing” in Mark’s musical career. Warning bells go off in my head. Right after John introduces him to me, Mark finds me on AOL and starts up a very flirtatious chat. I keep things neutral, but we start talking about songwriting and he sends me his songs, which I make significant changes to. The only lucky thing that took place during these exchanges was that (due to being burned over royalties before) I kept copies of all our conversations.

Anyway, Mark tells John he is in love with me and John, of course is devastated. Very loud and emotional gay drama ensues over the ensuing weeks. Finally I tell Mark I don’t want to talk with him anymore. Mark tells me that’s OK, he’s been dating a guy called Matthew all along and they are setting up house together. Luke calls me, threatening to send someone over (music mafia?) to break my legs for stealing Mark from him.

Anyway, John and I never recovered our friendship. Even though he appeared to believe my innocence after I showed him the saved AOL chats, and we lived together for another year, eventually I asked him to move out because I simply got tired of his relentless paranoia towards me, evidenced by a steady stream of barbed comments and sarcasm and put downs.

P.S. Interestingly enough, I had a two year relationship with Matthew after Mark broke his heart a couple of months later. When I recall the whole sordid period, I dont feel any regret for losing Johns friendship - our last few months together showed me that it was not a friendship to last through retirement. However, I do have some regret that I got the blame for everything without even getting to tap Marks perfect, psycho ass.

by Anonymousreply 140October 23, 2019 10:49 AM

I'm sorry you can't grasp the concept of poetry, [R139]. But what do you want me to fucking do about it?

by Anonymousreply 141October 23, 2019 11:49 AM

He actually ended the friendship with me. At first I felt like he really understood me and we got along so well. But then he'd start misinterpreting every word I said in a way to make me look/sound like an awful person when it wasn't what I meant at all. Then one day, out of the blue he announced he could no longer be my friend because of something I had supposedly said and told me to seek mental help. Rather than let me explain what I really meant, he decided to end everything. I was shocked, bewildered, and hurt. To this day I wonder if he was really misunderstanding or purposely twisting and manipulating my words as a form of psychological abuse.

I missed him for a long time. Sometimes I still do, but then I think "you know, maybe I am better off without having to walk on eggshells and defend myself constantly."

by Anonymousreply 142October 23, 2019 1:07 PM

When, driving down the street, I saw him leaving the gay STD clinic with someone we'd entertained, non-sexually, multiple times at my place.

It was more than a friendship and less than a relationship, but still. I thought, "Fuck him if you want, but not drinking my liquor."

by Anonymousreply 143October 23, 2019 10:59 PM

I think people who were friends in one stage of your lives, drift apart. I do not like conflict over this. What is with all the drama, now? Who started this new trend of hating everyone, friends are their just to serve you, and DRAMA? I really do not like this person, and what they are about. I hope this narcissism trend ENDS. And we can all get along, be polite and enjoy ourselves.

I mean really...

by Anonymousreply 144October 23, 2019 11:24 PM

I've never had an actual break up conversation with someone I don't want to be around any more. I know it's not a bad thing to do but the awkwardness would keep me away. I do the grown up thing and ignore them or make phoney excuses til they go away.

by Anonymousreply 145October 25, 2019 2:16 AM

When he can no longer make you cum.

by Anonymousreply 146October 25, 2019 2:27 AM

[R142], I had something almost exactly similar happen to me! I challenged a friend about a point that kept recurring during our friendship. I did this in email. It had to do with our friendship being entirely based on email. I mentioned this to an acquaintance/FB and he drew up points revolving around the possibility this fellow I only knew through email was catfishing me. Due to his job, it was maybe two days before I heard back after emailing him in a concerned/worried state. The bottom line of my email was that it was time he and I finally met face to face. Over the two days I imagined what the outcome of this was going to be. One one side of it I imagined he'd agree it was time to finally breathe the same air for a day or two. On the other I had a FLASH that I might have pissed him off. Right after the FLASH was a shot of fear about his yelling at me or something. I never knew I was afraid of that. Almost instantly I thought fuck that, he can get as pissed off as he wants. Well, he got pissed, and just like your friend did, suddenly was couching perfectly innocuous things I'd told him in high flown, momentarily desperate vingnettes. A couple of minutes later he sent me an email threatening me with sicking his father's lawyers on me if I divulged the details of certain things he told me. Clearly delusions of grandeur. "As if anyfuckingbody would give a rat's ass about those tired, lacking in details story-ish things he told me." But what I wanted to say in this top heavy reply, is I can understand the dismay and hurt of someone you trusted, advised from your heart, and loved as a friend, just turning on you with cheap dime store pathos.

by Anonymousreply 147October 25, 2019 4:36 AM

When I realized that they actually expected me to care about their boring lives.

by Anonymousreply 148October 25, 2019 4:46 AM

R7 sounds pretentious and exhausting and probably has Gayface AND Gayvoice.

by Anonymousreply 149October 25, 2019 11:49 AM

R140 Every guy I've ever known that was named Mark did nothing but cause trouble.

by Anonymousreply 150October 28, 2019 12:33 AM

Move on, tampon!

by Anonymousreply 151October 28, 2019 1:41 AM

I had a dozen or so close friends about ten years ago, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I now have two - the oldest/longest lasting two.

The others moved away and we've all lost touch. And the connection just isn't there.

by Anonymousreply 152October 28, 2019 1:44 AM

Have you ever been friends with someone because you’re too lazy to commit suicide?

by Anonymousreply 153October 28, 2019 1:47 AM

r8 My mother! Though my adult life , because she knew is she continued to scream at me, I would tell her to F off then go no contact for months she would do the exact same thing.

She wrote the book on narcissistic behavior. My gift is recognizing them almost with away...I have one real friend left

by Anonymousreply 154October 28, 2019 1:52 AM

R147 All this over someone youve never actually met ? An online friendship ? Have you even spoken to him ?

by Anonymousreply 155October 28, 2019 2:55 AM

I had a friend who changed in very negative ways after she lost her job and decided to focus on her side business full-time. She went from having a lot of social stimulation to very little, and lost touch with the boundaries governing normal human interaction. I found that she wanted more and more of my time, did not respect my commitments to others as she felt she should always come first, and reacted with skepticism when I canceled plans with her because of a relative’s terminal cancer diagnosis. As this behavior escalated, I cut down on the amount of time I spent with her and stopped being available by text, but still made a point of seeing her regularly.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I failed to return a phone call she requested, as she insisted the call would take “five minutes” and in my experience her calls tended to go on and on. She let me know what she wanted to talk about (a change in prices at her business) and the topic was in no way urgent. When we saw each other in person a three days later, I acknowledged my failure to call her and told her I’d reach out by email to find a time. When I signed into email to follow up on this, I found that just a few hours after we met in person she copied me on a series of emails between herself and her “assistant” (it wasn’t a real assistant, my friend had invented an alias to handle booking for her business) in which they called me an inconsiderate asshole, in the midst of planning out a lunch date together. (This was meant to make me jealous. I was not.)

At that point, I sent the friend and her assistant a very polite email cutting off ties, and have not contacted her since. This was several months ago, and while I’m much happier without her, the whole situation was disconcerting. She went from an ambitious, focused person to someone totally entitled and self indulgent.

by Anonymousreply 156October 28, 2019 2:58 AM

R156 That bitch sounds crazy!

by Anonymousreply 157October 28, 2019 3:02 AM

When I realized after 20 years of friendship he was a pathological liar, shit talked me the whole time behind my back, was shallow, and projected every single character flaw he had onto everyone around him. He’s such a cold, unloving, abusive, unfeeling selfish asshole, I honestly wonder how he has any friends at all. I honestly wonder if he’s a legit psychopath. He seems to have zero morals but when he was fun it was great. Now he’s old, bitter and getting worse.

by Anonymousreply 158October 28, 2019 3:04 AM

An older gay told me once that I should evaluate a relationship after the first year. He thought a year was enough time to determine whether a relationship had any juice.

by Anonymousreply 159October 28, 2019 3:52 AM

I'm in my 50s now, and I would say that the people I am closest to are my family, and friends who I met when I was in college or in my 20s. That said, my closest, dearest friends are people who I see only a few times a year, because most of them live far away.

by Anonymousreply 160October 28, 2019 4:23 AM

r150, I don't think Mark (or Matthew, Luke or John) are their real names. Unless you believe all his acquaintances are gospel writers.

by Anonymousreply 161October 28, 2019 4:35 AM

When friends are only interested in their children—or talking about their children—or can’t do anything without their spouse or children.

by Anonymousreply 162October 28, 2019 5:35 AM

Friends that can’t do anything without their new significant other being included or coming along—always.

Friends who only chat or call when they’re driving, bored, between relationships, don’t have better options , are killing time at work or when they need something. Otherwise they are too busy or you don’t hear from them at all.

by Anonymousreply 163October 28, 2019 5:47 AM

I believe a friendship is really over when you’re the only one trying to initiate contact. If the other party doesn’t make the effort to contact you it’s over.

by Anonymousreply 164October 28, 2019 6:05 AM

I realised that a longterm friendship was over when I took the rose-coloured glasses off and saw that my former friend was not a victim of bad luck and unfortunate betrayals, but rather he was the author of all his misfortunes because of his own bad decisions which were based on the belief that all the rules applied to everyone else but not him, and I felt I could no longer support him.

I ghosted him for about a year and he sent a few enquiries asking me what was up. I decided he was entitled to an explanation, so wrote what I stated above. I got back a VERY nasty and abusive reply and I will not make that mistake again. If someone is ghosted, they can just assume that their friendship is no longer valued, and move on.

by Anonymousreply 165October 28, 2019 6:25 AM

I have found that since spending less time on social media I find I don’t care as much about maintaining friendships that usually consist of me initiating contact or commenting on their posts, but not much in return. While it used to be about keeping people connected on some level, now it’s just a big virtual bragbook with people broadcasting their manicured lives or sociopolitical diatribes. I deleted Instagram and Twitter, unfollowed everyone on Facebook and stopped posting anything personal. Now if someone wants to connect with me, they are going to have to make an effort to do so. I seriously doubt they will, but I’m OK with that.

by Anonymousreply 166October 28, 2019 7:04 AM

[R155], there were issues over the 3 years I knew him. One was we never spoke on the phone, although I was all for it. There's more to the story, I just didn't want to hijack this thread. The point was somebody turned an innocuous request on my part into high drama and ended our association.

by Anonymousreply 167October 28, 2019 7:13 AM

When I went on vacation with him to Provincetown. Just friends but spending a week with someone tells you a lot. Never spoke to him after that.

by Anonymousreply 168October 28, 2019 8:38 AM

Years ago I was telling a "friend" about my father's illness, which was terminal, and mid-sentence he cut me off to exclaim, "Oh, I heard this morning that there's a sale on suits at (blah-blah-blah, whatever the name of the shop happened to be.) This guy was the poster boy for shallowness.

by Anonymousreply 169October 28, 2019 8:47 AM

Trump happened and I lost a couple of friendships with people I wouldn't have guessed would be Trump supporters.

Sad.

by Anonymousreply 170October 28, 2019 8:54 AM

I had a friend I knew for about 5 years. He was eager to get to know me and my partner. They wanted to hang out with other couples instead of all single men. Anyways, every thing seemed fine, we would go to dinner, or out to events every coupe of weeks, always had a great time. That is until he decided to join an improve group. I know, so cliche for gay men over 40. He was not shy and he had some natural comedic talent so needless to say we went to almost every fucking improve show he was in. Most of them were painfully shitty, although the crowd (their friends and family pretended to love it). After about 2 years of showing support at endless torture shows, I said off the cuff you should take an acting class thinking he would drop comedy. Well that was the beginning of end. He did indeed take a class, and another class and got his SAG card for being in a YouTube video no one watched. Apparently that qualifies. All this shit went to his head and he basically kicked us to the curb because he said off the cuff that his focus was on becoming an actor and surrounding himself by people who could get him there. He deleted all his friends on Facebook, stopped hanging out with mutual friends and replaced them with only new people he met in the business. Didn't call us for an entire year. I realized later that was classic narcissist. Needed us for support in the beginning, then when he didn't need us, by by see you later. Forgivable if you are in your 20's, pathetic when you are over the age of 50.

by Anonymousreply 171October 28, 2019 9:36 AM

[quote]Trump happened and I lost a couple of friendships with people I wouldn't have guessed would be Trump supporters.

Same here, lost a friend that turned out to be a Trumpiter. Not because of Trump but his views were the same. Complaining about all the Mexicans in California which he assumes are all illegal. The worst part was he was not from Calif, but his partner made his fortune here leaving him several million dollars. Yet he complained he couldn't get fair treatment in a doctors office because of all the "illegals". And of course he claimed poverty, said he was uninsured and had no money when he could get away with it.

On the upside, every once and a while I see a Facebook post and he has gone off the rails full Trumpeter defender mode. I realize now it was actually a blessing not to have someone like that in my life. Consider yourself lucky.

by Anonymousreply 172October 28, 2019 9:50 AM

The whole Trump thing is so odd. I have family members, friends and neighbors who have ended their relationship over him. It makes you wonder how these folks rationalize destroying their personal relationships in order to pathologically defend such a vile human being.

by Anonymousreply 173October 28, 2019 1:16 PM

^^ But it's not necessarily the Trumpsters who are ending the relationship!

by Anonymousreply 174October 28, 2019 2:29 PM

R170 Sadly a similar thing has happened in the UK over Brexit. It's a very passionate divisive issue and has definitely played a role in ending some friendships.

by Anonymousreply 175October 28, 2019 5:00 PM

R75 Yes but much of Trump fandom is being loudly offensive with your opinions, wearing Trump paraphernalia etc Ultimately people get tired of it. If they were simply Trump supporters and didn’t make a point of being aggressive and offensive in their support of Trump, this wouldn’t be an issue.

by Anonymousreply 176October 28, 2019 5:48 PM

[quote] Friends who only chat or call when they’re driving, bored, between relationships, don’t have better options , are killing time at work or when they need something. Otherwise they are too busy or you don’t hear from them at all.

One of my two oldest friends is a very attentive and caring friend - even threw a party for me recently - but I am put off by the whole "I only call you when I am driving somewhere" thing. Trying to be flexible but at some point I can't take it as anything but a sign.

by Anonymousreply 177October 28, 2019 7:16 PM

Recently a casual friend of several years needed a place to stay for a few days. I offered him a vacant house I’m rehabbing to rent. There’s still some furniture I haven’t moved out yet, so it’s comfortable if a little spare. There wasn’t anything of value left there.

He ended up overstaying his original estimate repeatedly. Finally I got him out, after about a week. I went in and he had allowed his dogs to piss and shit everywhere. Every trash can was full. No liner. The floor was black with dirt and sticky with dog piss. The entire house stank like piss. The grout was yellow with dog piss. You wouldn’t believe it could smell that bad after one week.

The outside trash can just had a bunch of stuff thrown loosely inside it, no bag. There were trash bags in the house. A two week old entry rug was pissed and shat on by the dogs. Poop was everywhere. Loose dirt that looked like it came from the dogs’ coats was under the kitchen table. The floor was spotless when I left. I had been painting and there was a plastic drop cloth on the kitchen table that went down to the floor on one side. The dogs had used the kitchen table leg as a fire hydrant and lifted their leg and pissed on it. Luckily, the drop cloth caught it. The drop cloth was full of dog piss.

I was never so shocked in my life. He is usually clean, nice and soft spoken. This was like having a wild animal let loose in your house. It will take days to get it clean again and I’m probably going to have to rip out the carpet. Thankfully, the bottom floor is tile.

What is that? Some kind of extreme mental illness? Meth? You would never guess it to see this guy, ever. He’s usually very clean looking. The dogs were filthy though. I felt sorry for them.

by Anonymousreply 178October 29, 2019 1:27 AM

I had a friend who I considered my best friend through high-school up to my mid-twenties until she moved away after college for a new job in her chosen profession/degree. We kept in touch and talked/texted daily but eventually we grew apart and then she would only call me/text if she was having issues with a guy she was seeing or feeling slighted by her friends down there...she used me as a sounding wall, or someone to talk to on long drives back from wherever she went for the weekend. I knew it had run it’s course when I would call or text her and she was always too busy and would say we would talk later but never did or she would railroad every call into all about her. I changed my number and never looked back.

by Anonymousreply 179October 29, 2019 1:54 AM

You bitches who have a problem with friends only calling when they're driving are way too needy. Do you get mad if they call you while walking down the street as well? Pardon them for trying to make the best of a busy life.

by Anonymousreply 180October 29, 2019 2:28 AM

people are expecting a friend to complete them, be their babysitter, and their therapist these days. No one wants to enjoy themselves anymore. Also, people are no longer being polite and kind. It is so strange.

by Anonymousreply 181October 29, 2019 5:34 AM

Introduced another couple to Eric Idle’s Greedy Bastard tour. Fabulous night. Went to an oyster bar with same couple. I noticed Eric in restaurant alone and sent a note and a Guinness. He came over and introduced himself to me, I told him we would be at Spamalot. He was warm and friendly, my friends were impressed. We four agreed to see his next solo show, friends to order tickets.

Called friends to make arrangements to pick up tickets for Idle’s solo show. Friends say “Oh, we are already going with a group. Let me see what I can arrange.” Calls back, “got 2 more tickets.” We go to the show, and we see a group of ten people we know, with our friends right in the middle. We are sat alone way on the left balcony, staring right at the merry group in their well-planned great seats. Nothing says humiliation more than “we forgot to include you in the event we planned with you, but we did ask 8 other people.” And we were the ones who introduced the friends to Eric Idle in the first place.

We skipped the dinner and drove home. It was the end of a friendship that simply too one-way and socially abusive.

by Anonymousreply 182October 29, 2019 7:32 AM

I think many people’s lives are so busy and everything moves so fast these days that they become sloppy and obtuse when it comes to relationships. This may explain it, but by no means justifies it.

I second the recommendation of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

by Anonymousreply 183October 29, 2019 7:59 AM

I heard from my friend today. Wants to help me with a project I was working on. I think he’s homeless now and it was in the thirties last night. The text came through at 2am. I feel sorry for him and his dogs but no way.

How do you think this was okay and nothing is wrong after that? Is this what happens when you used to do a lot of drugs?

by Anonymousreply 184October 29, 2019 3:29 PM

He probably left the dogs and forgot about them for days at a time whilst on drugs. Turned your flat into a right shithouse, he did!

by Anonymousreply 185October 29, 2019 6:12 PM

I knew it was over when she called to ask if I minded her coke dealer spending the planned weekend with us. I did not and told her I'd rather not be there and cancelled the B&B, losing a couple of hundred dollars. I was pissed, for obvious reasons, but also because I had no idea she was back to using.

I found out she'd lied and told the husband she'd been with me while she was on other drug binges because he called to ask to speak to her. I told him he should call Patty the dealer and leave me out of it. We had quite the conversation and he finally understood that his wife had been deceiving him. I told him we were in the same boat and that I didn't appreciate her using me as an excuse for illegal and shitty behavior.

So of course she calls me that Monday to ream me out about how friends 'lie' for each other and that I should have had her back. I bitched right back at her and hung up. I wrote and sent a letter apologizing for not 'having her back' and decided never to see her again. She called me to crow about the letter, how much she appreciated it considering our long-term friendship, blah blah blah. I cut her off and told her she misunderstood. The letter was an apology for my behavior in saying too much to the husband, and in that she was right, but that I'd found out about her lying and had no intention of ever speaking to her again. Bye bitch.

The last I heard, she was divorced and got caught trying to steal supplies from a church disaster relief drive and had to promise to stay out of that church and that town. Good riddance.

by Anonymousreply 186October 29, 2019 7:08 PM

Friends are friends forever If the Lord's the Lord of them And a friend will not say never 'Cause the welcome will not end Though it's hard to let you go In the Father's hands we know That a lifetime's not too long To live as friends....

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 187October 29, 2019 7:15 PM

I am the first to admit I know how to be at least 7 varieties of well oiled pratt. But I always try to uphold the tenet that you make time for your friends. Even if it's inconvenient at the moment; you just do it.

by Anonymousreply 188October 29, 2019 8:36 PM

I think that sense of duty to friends—and the concept of friendship—is waning. For many today, friendship is predicated on situational convenience—and has a shelf life that ends when it’s no longer fun—or when they have to put the other person first.

Being there for someone when they aren’t fun or convenient is a challenge many simply aren’t up for. It’s easier to just “de-friend”.

I just turned 50, and I know my expectations of friendship are much different now than they were 20-30 years ago.

by Anonymousreply 189October 29, 2019 11:08 PM

the whole idea of having many friends is that you enjoy their company. Also if in an emergency, you have more people to draw on. The problem now is that everything is an EMERGENCY. There is no more fun and enjoyment.

Also, the responsible that parents and siblings have towards their family members is non existent. Sure, I will let you crash on my sofa on the way to your parent's or brother's home. But this is the core problem, these days are bleak for so many because the nuclear family does not want to help out their own family members. Where is the constant reminder in our society that, YES, you are responsible for your own family members. You are suppose to LOVE them, SUPPORT them and Care for them.

Do not have children if you do not want to take care of them. Do not have children if you do not have a healthy family because if there is an emergency, or even problems, your children are SCREWED.

by Anonymousreply 190October 30, 2019 12:30 AM

I lent the bitch money for rent, and was then ghosted.

by Anonymousreply 191October 30, 2019 12:58 AM

When I snuck up behind her to hug her from behind and she had just laid a rotten egg fart that would’ve peeled paint off the wall. We both pretended that it didn’t stink, but then I never called her and she never called me, either. It was just too embarrassing for both of us. Plus I think that fart damaged my nasal passages. Damn!

by Anonymousreply 192October 30, 2019 6:39 AM
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