Teen Dies from Heart Attack after Masturbating 56 Times in a Row
At least he went out doing what he loved most. 🤷🏽‍♂️
“PORTLAND – Teenager allegedly masturbated a jaw-dropping 56 times non-stop before dying of a heart attack, in the proccess even breaking the world record and was awarded a world record certificate by a Guinness representative who later arrived at the home.
Jerome Carpenter was found dead in his bedroom after apparently masturbating too much. It is speculated that Jerome was suffering from depression due to being “extremely lonely”. Jerome’s Mother called Portland police after discovering his corpse in his room. Jerome’s mother told Huzlers reporters “1 hour passed since I had called him down for lunch, Jerome was the kind of boy to steal food off your plate when you were not looking, i knew something was wrong when he didn’t come down to eat, he was a great kid” she finished as she began to cry.
Police arrived at the home about an hour after Ms. Carpenter called them. Officer Dean Marrow told Huzler reporters what they saw when they opened Jerome’s bedroom door. “The young man was on his bed… his pen*s was detached from his body, it must have been so intense it just came off his body, we found his pen*s gripped in his left hand so tightly we couldn’t get it out, it was tragic”.
Investigators are still investigating the case for more information, Jerome’s funeral will take place sometime next week.”
| by Anonymous | reply 11 | September 26, 2019 4:40 AM
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How do they know 56? Counting the stains on the ceiling is not viable proof!
| by Anonymous | reply 1 | September 25, 2019 3:14 PM
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Tune in tonight to Rachel Maddow to see how this definitively proves Trump and Putin eloped in 2016!
This can’t be real. Detached penis? Guinness world record?
| by Anonymous | reply 2 | September 25, 2019 3:14 PM
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Fake news troll alert!!!
OP, please find time to talk to your mother once in a while, so you won't have to spend time here spewing fake news *alone*.
| by Anonymous | reply 4 | September 25, 2019 3:17 PM
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Other headlines from that "news" site:
[quote]Death Row Inmate Survives Lethal Injection 3 Times Set Free; Imprisoned For Killing Cats
[quote]Bill Nye The Science Guy Arrested For Manufacturing And Selling Illegal Drugs
[quote]Teen Sues Juul; Claims Vaping Made Him Homosexual
[quote]Tekashi 6ix9ine Reportedly Reveals Identity of Infamous Zodiac Killer To Judge As Bonus
[quote]Teen Tells Judge He Thought He Was Buying “Gas” For His Car, Not Marijuana “
[quote]Canada Legalizes Medicinal Cocaine
[quote]Teens Break Into Area 51 Ahead Of “Area 51 Raid Petition” Claim Scientist Let Aliens Rape Them; Cum Shots Were Fired
[quote]Tony Romo And Jason Witten Admit To Homosexual Romance
[quote]Florida Man Arrested For Tranquilizing And Raping Alligators In Everglades
[quote]LAW PASSED: All Child Support in the United States Will End By Beginning of 2018
[quote]BREAKING: Drake Cries As He Admits His Father, Dennis Graham, Writes All His Music
| by Anonymous | reply 5 | September 25, 2019 3:18 PM
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[quote]Huzlers is a Chicago based satirical blog. A number of their satirical stories have been mentioned by many established press organizations such as USA Today and BuzzFeed.
| by Anonymous | reply 6 | September 25, 2019 3:47 PM
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How many times have you masturbated in a row? I don't think more than 6 myself.
| by Anonymous | reply 7 | September 25, 2019 3:50 PM
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If this was real, he'd be a Datalounge icon.
| by Anonymous | reply 8 | September 25, 2019 3:52 PM
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So the poor kid was beaten to death?
| by Anonymous | reply 10 | September 26, 2019 1:47 AM
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How long is "in a row"? I mean it could be days (Yes, I know this isn't real but still)
| by Anonymous | reply 11 | September 26, 2019 4:40 AM
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