Let’s Be Millennial Workplaces

I’m the “consultant” who is really just a temp, but has been on site for a year. I don’t get employer sponsored medical insurance or paid vacation. When I get laid off, I won’t be able to apply for unemployment. I work on an laptop in the pod, so the real employees have to schedule their interviews for better jobs out by the elevators.

I'm the text messages sent in lieu of an email. I'm there so that the sender can't be held accountable and to annoy anyone who takes their job seriously.

In emails and at company meetings, I say how "EXCITED we all are about...." something that's "AMAZING."

I also write in emails the client is "extraordinary and like no other."

I’m socks. I won’t be seen here.

I'm the salesman that really can't quite grasp or explain what he's selling. I change jobs on the regular, always in sales, never meeting quota, but I'm young so they keep hiring me.

[quote]I'm the salesman that really can't quite grasp or explain what he's selling.

The salesman who will end up running a department in which something is done that he can't quite grasp or explain.

I'm the frequent "working from home" morning emails.

I'm Slack!

I'm DudeBro speak, and I'm used throughout the workplace and its associated emails, texts and phone calls.

I'm DudeBro speak, and I would never be used in an official communication, because that would reveal that I am a complete asshole in the workplace. No one must ever know that and the quintessential douchebags that use me must never be made accountable for anything, because the Earth would implode if that were to happen.

[quote]that I am a complete asshole

that my users are...*

I am our VALUES because we need to be told these so we can feel PROUD about what we do. We are COMMITTED and totally AUTHENTIC. And we make sure that we have the right WORK LIFE BALANCE.

Under the new tax law it’s actually advantageous to be a 1099 instead of a W2. I asked my employer to switch me but they refused.

I'm the smell of ass that pervades the workplace, 'Cause you know ... bros don't take hygiene very seriously. Ewwwww. The DINGLEBERRIES!

I'm the toilet choked with giant turds from the grass-fed, paleo, keto, craft beer drinking fools.

I'm the scat queen on this thread.

I'm the tears and huffy indignation when corrected over a minor issue and asked to perform simple tasks that I consider below me.

I'm the two sick days in a row that new hires call in for during the first week of employment.

R7 made me LOL.

R19, I’m the offsite, one week class that the employee takes, a week before giving notice of resignation.

I'm the buck that is passed. It's like I'm the hot potato in a game of the same name that never, ever ends.

I'm the beer tap and free snacks that show the employees how cool our company is. Not cool enough to pay a decent salary, however, to anyone but the executives.

R23, bonus points when their company serves pizza at 5 pm on Friday nights. Breakaway Technology did so, and their employees loved it. At least the one I knew did.

WTF, I can afford my own pizza. And Friday night?

I’m the buzz words and phrases.

Who moved my cheese, while I was multitasking as I disrupted the internet?

I’m the gender nonconforming new hire who makes it a point to put my preferred gender pronouns in my email signature. You WILL refer to me as they/them/their or I will go straight to HR for your intolerance!

I suggest we use video conferencing!

I'm the Chief People Officer! I'm sending out memos about using the correct pronouns when referring to your fellow team members and then I have to go into a meeting to plan for this weeks gluten free vegan enabled dumpling and cider lunch!

I am the empty office, because as I expect to work from home every day.

I’m the douchebro who imitates dialogue, including the indignation, from ‘The Social Network’ because I believe I’m as intelligent and will be as successful as Mark Zuckerberg.

I'm that one in the office who laughs anytime someone brings up facebook and goes "who USES facebook anymore?"

I'm the bean bag that was brought in because the employees want the office to feel more homey and less stuffy.

I’m the Skype that is used for their office meetings, because Millennials hate face to face conversation. Then no one has to get up from their desk and be inconvenienced.

I'm the employee who's asking for a promotion with pay raise after three months on the job because I work really hard and I know better than everyone with more seniority.

Whether you give in or not, it doesn't matter, because I won't be here longer than two years anyway. I'll hop to the next opportunity as soon as I get bored or another company offers me ten cents more an hour.

When I worked for a mid-sized company, every generation was represented by good workers, lazy workers, etc.

But it was the millennials who were obsessed with working from home. Eventually, we allowed one work-from-home day a week, but that wasn't enough.

One woman (technically the tail end of Gen X) submitted a surprise written proposal for her to work from home 100% of the time. (She only lived about 25 miles from the office.) One day, our database vendor sent an invoice with a list of login records for the whole team. It appears that no one was logging in on their "work from home" days.

One gal, who regularly talked about her second retail job) took several hours to reply to emails on her "work from home" days. When she finally did reply, at the bottom of each post was the line, "Sent from my iPhone". (I guess she couldn't figure out how to delete that line.)

I received one email that said, "I'm expecting perishable food to be delivered today, so I'm going to have to work from home to wait for it to be delivered."

I received an email on a Monday morning that said, "I feel bad, so I'm going to "work from home" today. In fact, I have a feeling this bug will last all week, so I'll be working from home through Friday." (This was the boss' daughter.) Actually, it probably was better for this person to work from home, because she couldn't get along with anyone in the office, and she was a snarky brat.)

Then there was the woman who moved 90 miles away. She was allowed to work from home 100% of the time. She was updating the database after midnight each night, and the quality of her work sucked. Turned out she had another full-time job in her local city.

After that position, I moved to a tiny non-profit where everyone was over 40. It was a dream come true. Everyone worked their butt off and offered to help each other out. There was zero drama. Well, except for the 50+ male boss, who was a bitch. But when he was away from the office, it was great.

I’m the fake Danish modern chairs scattered in groups of 4-5 around the office, to encourage “informal interaction” rather than meetings. There is no way to sit in me comfortably.

I am also the ping pong table.

I'm the communal area with Ikea furniture, a TV, and some retro arcade games. Everyone in here is communing...with social media; they're playing with their phones instead of talking to each other.

I’m the employee dealing with my sexuality and cannot decide what bathroom to use, so I create drama and try to sue for emotional abuse.

I’m the millennials that refuse to go outside to even exercise, because then I would have to leave all my technology.