Why are some people incapable of either loving or being loved

What a dumb thread.

If you know more heterosexual people in relationships, it's because they have a lot larger pool of potential partners to work with. And nobody that's heterosexual is ashamed of their sexuality and keeping it to themselves.

If you know gay people that are lonely, try making friends with them instead of bitching about them on here.

Stop projecting, bitch.

Agree with R1. Drink another cup of coffee, OP, and wake up.

R2 -- yeah, because this thread was just overloaded with comments to your dumb thread.

fuck off.

Men are hormonally driven to spread their seed as widely as possible up until the day they die.

Cf "The Naked Ape: the Human Animal" by Desmond Morris, 1967

For the same two reasons since always:

Lack of love and appreciation for oneself.

The refusal to love someone outside of one's ideal or preference.

Being incapable of loving or being loved is a given these days.

R6 I'll amplify: - demand for absolute control

- refusal to be honest and transparent

- inability to handle criticism and to be constructive in criticism

- oh, and being a low down, common, two bit skank-ho who rides every dick like a carnival ride.

I have no opinion which of these is the worst.

I’m 38, and the reason I’ve always been single is an inability to match with what I’ve ever fallen in love with.

Lol...

SElf hatred

I think you left out a choice. Some of us are built monogamous, I've only loved the same man for a long time, and when he fell out of love with me, that was it. I can't open my heart to another man. But at least I've loved, and been loved. He's still my best friend. He just doesn't want to sleep with me any more. My parents had a very happy marriage for over 50 years, and I expected the same for myself. Earlier this year, I was stuck in the hospital, and he cuddled up next to me in bed, since he knew I was really scared. So that's better than nothing.

I envy you R12.

I could never find anyone that wanted more than sex, so I eventually gave up looking.

No one want needs to be in a relationship if they don't want to be. Grow up OP and let people live their lives.

Were you dumped, OP? Did they start dating someone else, while you are pining? Just because your ex didn't love YOU does not mean they are unable to love or accept love. It just means that, no matter how much you wished to the contrary, you two weren't ever going to last.

Move on. The longer you wallow the longer you extend your own suffering.

I love sex with men, but DON'T WANT to live with a man as a husband. I don't have any sexual desire for a woman. I have no other choice than to be happy and single. Yes, for the most part I have a great life of a half dozen close friends and a very nice family to boot.

It took a long time to figure out that I am wired differently than most people but have now accepted it as fact that I am better off single.

If I get the funds, I will most likely be a single father via surrogacy.

As R17 said, some of us are just wired differently. When I got my first boyfriend I realised I didn't really want one. I like having some companionship sometimes but not too often, and I won't miss it if it's not available. I have a solid relationship with my family and a few very good friends. I think that because I have enough love in my life I don't feel the need for the romantic kind. I enjoy the quiet, I enjoy being alone and I don't feel like sharing my home with anyone.

As with anything that makes us 'human' ,we have to make the choice to love and/or be monogamous.

Most human behaviours are also found in animals, things like suicide are not found in animal, because it requires thinking.

Agree R19. I'm not a gay man (celibate bi woman) and relationships are just too much work. The obligation to see someone, make plans, and compromise on things (which I do all day at work), exhausts me. I love my little home and doing what I want when I want. It's a double-edged sword; more and more I realize how lonely I am.

And then! I go out in the world and deal with horrid people - married moms being the worst - and I just want to hide.

Lots and lots of straight people don’t fall in love either. People get married because they’re expected to, but that doesn’t mean they’ve fallen in love

Who’s really happy anyway?

I've heard that neglected or abused children (doesn't have to be sexual abuse) can love as adults, but find it very hard to receive love.

I bet r24

Years ago I knew this guy who adopted a young abused and rejected boy. This boy was not emotional at all. He did not know how to have normal relationships where he could emotionally engage others. This guy could not get over how cold and emotionally dead this boy was. I explained to him that the family he came from probably never gave the boy any affection, healthy touching, or offered him security of any kind. So now as a teenager this kid is unable to emotionally engage or interact with anyone. His nervous system did not develop so now he has no personality or love to give anyone. It is not that he was purposely being cold or aloof. If we did not have a healthy emotionally rich relationship with our caregivers then as adults we will never have these qualities. It is possible to change our brains through neuroplasticity but that could take decades. Men are obviously more prone to be cold hearted emotionless robots than females.

Yes, conditioning alters people. But some people are better built to be coupled, while others see sex as an explosive act disconnected from their emotional life. I function best in a relationship - a better me and more purposeful in life. Not always happier. But it suits my makeup and beliefs. I want one man to fuck. I like to take care of a man sexually and in life. I'm demanding myself. I wasn't always good at it, but it's what I always wanted. I like sharing my life with my most trusted friend and lover. Monogamy is a goal, you have to want it and work at it. I might be labelled codependent - but honestly, what else are we here for other than to give and receive love freely? Doesn't have to be monogamous to be real love. The definition of mental health is to see yourself clearly and build your expectations from there. If you take on the responsibility of joining in romantic love - that person has a say too.

It doesn't have to be familial or romantic love. Nurturing and caring about someone is the main purpose to our random existence. Make the best of your potential and try to do a bit more.

The I go to work and pay my bills and plan for retirement and chase/schedule sex is not a necessary way to live. That's a prescribed existence. You should push back against it, if you desire more. You may not get further than your desire, but keep that window open. The doors close with time.

Being single does not automatically equate with unloving/being unloved. We love family members, friends, and pets- are those less important because they aren't long-term romances?

You can love anything,, your coffee maker. But to be in love requires the energy of two people. There's no such thing as unrequited love. That's only one person's delusion and obsession. Can last a lifetime and has a lot of literary precedence. But that's not what it is to be in love. When I say energy, I don't mean work. I mean the physical mystical paradoxical energy of two people being in love. It's seismic and undeniable. If you haven't been there, you don't know. Don't waste your life loving things or people that don't know you're there.

Of course we can be in love with our pets or best friends. It's a type of love that is not familial but not romantic. Yet we ascribe and project romantic quality onto it. We bring our full heart, goofiness and trust. We let them see us.

I never understood the insane need for humans to pair up for life, like pigeons or termites. Life is meant to be fully lived, not restricted by archaic notions of social control.

[quote]Life is meant to be fully lived, not restricted by archaic notions of social control.

Some of us don't feel restricted by being in a monogamous relationship.

"In love" is based partially on beliefs and delusions. Judging by the divorce rate in this country, being "in love" doesn't make people any less selfish or "seen."

[quote]Some of us don't feel restricted by being in a monogamous relationship.

Sensible people do.

My BF and I both chose to be monogamous. I'm not judgmental of people who are different: it doesn't impact me. It was just a mutual decision, and I think it's stupid that anyone would question a mutual decision between two partners. I love my BF, very, very much, and I know that being with a different partner would hurt him. So that's that. He did, eventually, and he broke my heat in the process. I still love him, though.

I'm R34, I meant broke my heart, not broke my heat.

Do you have a pussy between your legs r34?

R36, No, I don't. I'm a gay man with a perfectly intact peen. People are always accusing me of being a frau. I'm not a frau, but I'm a pretty gentle gay man.

R34 sounds like a vapid 15 year old girl. Did he break your hymen? Tramp.

I grew up without love so I'm pretty much unloving and unlovable. I am though a user and people have used me. It hasn't been a good life but life is as it had to be as they say.

R38, Geezus Chiist, what a cunt you are. I went out on my ten-Sseed bike at 17 to lose my virginity. It took me a lot of tries, I had a hot ass, but no one was willing to take it, because I was too young. I finally succeeded. It was only later that I found someone who would treat me well. My BF is still with me, after 35 years.

R40 Isn't it great they don't charge imaginary "partners" rent in mental hospitals. Loser.

R41, Why are you so mean?

This is DL, cunt. We hate teenage girls who write poorly like you.

I relate to what R21 says. I’m accustomed to living alone. Between work and family responsibilities, I’m pretty exhausted and my little apartment is a sanctuary. OTOH, I do get lonely. And at this point in my life, for many reasons, it’s hard to make new connections. I don’t think I want a husband but I’d love a regular sex partner who’d stay for breakfast once or twice a week.

40yo gay man here. I've dated guys for a few weeks or a month, and I'm always relieved when it's over. I wish being single was more normalized so I didn't feel like I was missing out on something I don't want anyway.

I've had two and a half long-term marriages. And the effort being in them and keeping them alive is SLIGHTLY less than the effort of being single and co-ordinating various friends to keep me intellectually and physically amused.

r42, re-read the title of this thread. There's your answer.

R29 doesn't understand human nature. Not one little teeny tiny bit. All love in unrequited. Mystical union does not exist. You are as fake in your relationship as you were out of it.

R48 u tell dat cunty.

I was sent off to boarding at a very early age. Maybe that I'd why I do not respond well to being loved.

How many people are really happy in their relationships?

Wasn't this a scene in All About Eve?

[quote]We bring our full heart, goofiness and trust. We let them see us.

If you aren't bringing those same qualities to your non-romantic relationships, then you have some serious issues, r29. My sisters were there for me in ways that nobody else ever has been.

R53 People are what they are and have no need to qualify themselves as anything by an ignorant turd like you, lady.

People also don't have to silently put up with self-aggrandizing assholes who devalue non-romantic relationships, butthurt r29/r54. Perhaps you missed the other post NOT written by me that also criticized you?

I've been alone my whole life. I'll die alone. But you know what? That's okay. Because, after I die, I'll be dead, so I won't be bothered about it. A few bad minutes with the final darkness approaching beats having to pick someone's fucking socks off the floor for forty years.

In my opinion, anyway.

R55 STFU. No one needs to read your sad, delusional, full on cunt rantings. Turds like you need to be gotten rid of on DL.

Ohhh, my poor lonely life... are you posting from 1952? (Even then, Tab Hunter had a cool happy life).

Some of us get our "value" from other things -- be it career, charity, whatever. There was never a guy for which I would give up my career, nor my independence. Ever.

Please tell me you are a woman spouting woman shit.

OP, being straight doesn't give you any guarantees of being loved, either. There are many of us straights in less-than, often loveless marriages.

R59 No one cares and we don't need to read about it on a gay forum.

Since I was a kid I didn't understand why everyone had to pair up in life. I used to wonder why more people didn't go by themselves, or by three, or more, and why it was always man and woman. I was told I would understand later and I didn't.

Now in my thirties it still hits me randomly, how weird it is that everyone feels like they have to go two by two. I'm not saying it's anything bad, I just don't understand it.

If you are in a three-way relationship 2 of the 3 will always gang up on the 1 eventually.

1-on-1 is just easier to manage psychologically.

Before you lose your minds and go on an anti-Christian rant, I am well aware that many on DL dislike Christians and Christianity, in general. SO, don't feel compelled to inform me of that. Just skip to the part where you roast me.

With that said, the Bible says (somewhere ) that not everyone is intended to marry. And, one of the ways you know that God (maybe) doesn't intend for you to marry is if He has given you the "gift of singleness", which, simply put, is the ability to live alone, to be single, and remain sane and happy (maybe), to be alone and not be lonely.

It is not one group of people or another who is prone to be alone for the rest of their lives. Some people just know more gays than straights, so they know more gays who live and die alone.

And being able and willing to live alone doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

I don't believe God has given you the 'gift of singleness.' He has hit you with the ugly stick. Nobody wants to look a you everyday.

I sure wouldn't mind picking up and washing the socks of someone I was crazy about. But I would have to be damn crazy about that person and I never had that luck.

If a relationship works for people, that's great. I am not knocking relationships. But I'm not going to fault find with people who don't want them.

I’m 62, single, and have a very busy social life of friends who I love dearly. I’ve found the perfect life FOR ME, and that’s the best anyone can hope for.

R12 I am in a similar boat.

I do wonder though how much sexual promiscuity plays a role in some gay men struggling to have long term loving relationships? Not just the dynamic of potentially being unfaithful but even if you reach a stage were promiscuity is in the past I have noticed a significant number of gay men who struggle to accept their partners past promiscuity _even if they themselves were also promiscuous in the past.Jealous and other emotions fear their head. I suspect for some people past promiscuity really just complicates things emotionally. Hard to explain.

There was just a thread about being over 40, single, and happy. Couldn't you have at least done some research first?

My post r68 should say jealousy rears its head not fears its head !🙊

Do you still have your hair? I mean the kind that grows out of your scalp?

R69 Came out of a cunt and never stopped BEING a cunt.

I’m married to same guy 35 years. Love it, will always need to live with someone. My best friend is chronically single, no interest in a relationship. We’re always debating the merits of both. I’m envious of him not having to check in all time, He’s jealous of my duel income, security, etc. My friend is stubborn and inflexible on many things which explains his singleness IMHO. He says I’m needy and codependent- LOL, which may be true and explains my need for a relationship. I think both ways of living are just fine.

Go change your tampon, r57.

R72 Absolute nonsense. What is it you are objecting too?

Great thread. You Elder gays give this lonely millennial hope. I do find a decent amount of happiness in being single, but I think R65 really resonates with me. I haven't found someone I'm crazy about. I type this as I'm dragging my feet to my cousin introducing his new boyfriend at Brunch.

Ask an interesting question on DL, and watch it turn into an indictment of the OP.

R77 only about 10% of posters are intelligent on here. So most will be brain dead, frauish, hysterical, or psychotic lol.

Harsh !! R78 In fairness I'm sure its considerably higher than 10%.

OP, believe it or not, not everyone is hard-wired for romantic obsession, like you.

[quote]I am well aware that many on DL dislike Christians and Christianity...

No, doll. Many people DECENT PEOPLE in society refuse to genuflect to "christian" supernaturalism in all it's paganry. Quit trying to shame gays for not swallowing your simplistic religious backwash.

They're called sociopaths.

This is the perfect epitome of a DLer in real life. Annoying. Offensive. Insufferably clueless.

NPD, which is rampant in the US right now.

[R83] I dunno, I mean, I expect there is a bear population that posts here, but I'd like to think they don't actually eat kayaks.

R84 that is funny. No group is more narcissistic than Baby Boomers. Thankfully they will be dying off soon enough.

Remember that the DLers who dislike Christians and Christianity and yes there are quite a few were raised in the faith. They know that it is often a very cruel crock of shit. They were insiders and are appalled that it is still given any credence.

I think it has to do with how you’re raised. Growing up, I never met a long term couple in a happy marriage. Every one of them was cheating, miserable, or both. They always talked about the other partner as if they hated them.

I mentioned this to a friend recently and he said the opposite, that the families he knew growing up were all happy. So his experience was totally different and probably affected his expectations a lot differently than mine.

I work in Social Services in NYC and you would be amazed how many of these welfare women find men who come out of prison and want to add them to their food stamp/public assistance budget. I actually meet the happy couples and cannot believe how they will take anyone with a dick into their public housing and expose these creeps to their children (from other men) just to have someone to sleep with.

So much domestic violence with these people, very sad.

Mejor solo que mal acompanado

R20 suicide does absolutely exist in animals. Suicide even exists in flies.

One reason is a fundamental inability to trust due to past betrayals . If someone has had a childhood where they were neglected, overlooked or received only intermittent acceptance, they will have a sense of separateness practically hardwired into them. As adults, in r'ships, they will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in each new r'ship. Psychotherapy and psychoanalysis claim to address this, but don't see how it can counter personal experience apart from helping people to recognise when they are making new choices which confirm their old bias, ie, that people are untrustworthy.

That’s me, R91. All love was conditional from my narcissistic parents and siblings.

Now I’m always looking for the conditions. Unfortunately I keep finding them.

r91 nails it. I'm the product of very neglectful parents. No capacity for trust. Luckily I enjoy my own company and the occasional short, intense fling or Grindr hookup, the only thing I worry about is being alone when I'm elderly. This worry is utterly selfish in nature, but understandable, I may need someone to look after me. My solution is to work a lot and save every spare penny so I can afford a good caretaker in absence of a partner.

R92 haha that is hilarious. Thanks for sharing. Such a heartwarming story.

I for some reason am missing the hilarity.

It is hilarious and ironic that he was raised by the most horridly narcissistic asshole parents and siblings and now this dude keeps on recreating the situation with every new relationship. It is fucking funny. :-)

Usually abandonment issues are at the core. A kid, or teen, being traumatized by being left (one parent leaving after a divorce, a loved one's death, a big betrayal resulting in a break-up, etc.). To some that traumatizing pain still feels so fresh that they rather reject people before the traumatized can be rejected. Also, they sometimes want to be reminded to not fall for someone by deliberately picking a horrible person that will treat them badly.

The past trauma created an established belief that (conditional) love and relationships can only end in tears. And people are willing to look for confirmation for that belief for the rest of their lives. They may say that they are so very tired of always falling for the wrong person, but it's the wrong person they are looking for. That's why some because such animal lovers, because their established belief doesn't say anything about pets. So, they allow themselves to give and receive unconditional love through a pet.

Sorry, that's why some people BECOME such animal lovers.

There are enough responses in this thread to make me believe there is a need for an Incel For Gays website.

I was raised by incredibly narcissistic parents who I wanted to believe loved me as a boy. I finally accepted as an adult they only loved themselves and had absolutely no self awareness. I am in a constant state of disbelief that I was born into a private world where there is no love. Like as it is for so many others. Harrowing.