Let's be an All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet in small town America

I'm Shane Gillis, unironically stress-eating

I’m Shane Gills providing entertainment while the Chinese people eat.

I'm Large Marge in a hoveround

I'm the fight that breaks out when the crab legs are brought out from the kitchen in the back.

I'm the orange chicken that's been sitting under a heat lamp for God knows how long.

I’m the Chinese cooks, that only speak Chinese when making fun of the big fat customers gorging themselves on the dim sums.

I'm all the missing cats and dogs posters stapled to utility poles all over town!

OMG, does that fight over crab legs and other sea food and sometimes spare ribs happen all over the country? I thought it was a NYC thing, actually Brooklyn. My dad loved the Chinese buffets so I went to a lot of them and it was always the same. One place had ginger lobster on Sundays and there was like a riot when they brought it out. We were afraid to go near that crowed and only got to taste it once in really bad weather when the crowd was small.

I am the fortune from one of your fortune cookies: No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

I am the customer that accidentally got a crab leg stuck in his eye during the ‘crab leg fight.’

I'm the grapes and jello at the dessert station.

I’m the customer that brought in his service pet only to find out the cooks stole him. Damn it!

I’m the botulism.

And I’m the E Coli from fecal matter the fat asses had on their hands.

I’m INS. Papers please.

I'm the slippery shrimp in red glaze.

I'm the 600 lb man that breaks all the chairs, so I have to stand up and eat.

I'm greasy tan-colored fried rice with bits of unidentified vegetable. I feature occasional rock-hard burned/dried rice grains for that tooth-breaking surprise. You're meant to fill up on me so you'll eat less of the seafood.

I'm the 3 florets of overcooked broccoli in the Broccoli "Chicken" tray.

I'm the Chinese cooks sweating in the infernal heat, working long hours, looking at gargantuas swilling down the ridiculous fare I'm obliged to prepare, still feeling that despite everything it's better than life in Changsha.

I’m the frozen shrimp left out on the counter to defrost and are now warm. I will be battered and fried and you will eat and spend your night on the toilet vomiting with explosive diarrhea.

I'm the garlic that the staff is taking to the back ally to crush with their feet, shoes on of course. They actually showed staff of a Chinese restaurant doing that on the news in NYC a few years back.

I'm the mysteriously orange-colored chow mein.

I'm the missing cats.

I'm the health inspector whose wallet the owners keep filled.

I am the cocaine that is used to keep the chefs energized and able to cook endless amounts of high fat crap.

I'm the Cream of Sum Young Guy that went down easier in the loo than all the buffet foods did in the dining room.

I'm the words, "golden", "kitchen", "panda", "house" and "mandarin" that will be somewhere in the name of said that buffet.

I’m the container in the corner filled with sautéed jellyfish, that nobody wants to love. :(

I'm the sign outside the restaurant.

I'm one ton. I'm the combined weight of most of the 4 person families eating here.

I am the live octopus, in the tank, waiting to be cooked.

I'm Connor Jessup only eating here so that I can hook up with the owner's son!

I'm the sushi tray, because people expect it. Way too much rice wrapped around a smidge of vaguely shrimp tasting paste.

I'm the ubiquitous Five-Spice. I'm in the egg rolls, and in the wontons, and in the pot stickers, and everything else that has been deep fried. I'm not even in any of these foods at all in REAL Chinese joynts.

I'm the fat guy being kicked out because all you can east does not mean all YOU can eat...lard ass.

R35, isn't 5-spice used in Szechuan cooking or maybe I'm thinking of some other pepper that makes your mouth tingle?

I'm the stupid American who thinks sushi is Chinese.

I’m the sticky, dirty tables full of dishes from customers who left hours ago.

I'm the sweet and sour pork.

I'm the fat fraus who eat here after Church every Sunday

I’m the Thousand-Year Egg in Pickled-Chili Sauce that costs one years salary.

R41 I’m the hotel the fat fraus got their bible at

I'm the meatloaf so the restaurant can say they serve American food too. I'm also the little pieces of frozen pizza so they can say they also serve Italian food. The so called international buffet.

I’m the front doors that aren’t unlocked most days until 11:15am, even though they are supposed to open for business at 11am.

I'm the "fresh mussels," which look like big boogers in filthy, dirty shells.

R45 I’m the bars on the door so the ghetto freaks do not break in and eat all the food.

I'm the nearly poisonous amount of sodium in every dish. Rather than kill a person, I merely make the fat fucks feel "full" once they take a sip of water.

I’m the huge, backlit nature paintings of moving waterfalls.

I’m the soft serve ice cream machine that is always broken down. So much for dessert 🍨

I'm Mr. Lu, the owner, and I'm watching porn on my phone while these fat fuck Americans eat!

I’m the mean hostess lady. Age 70. I do not like African Americans.

I'm the owner, Hu Flung Kum.

I’m the drunk, old piano player who provides hours of nonstop entertainment while passing out after each song. Crab legs are thrown at his head to wake him up.

You go four time! You no eat vegetable!

I'm the sign over the steam table. "If share, you pay full price"

I'm the fried entree end of the buffet table. I'm the most popular.

I'm the fat lady, and the buffet isn't over until I say it's over.

All You Can Eat means ALL you can eat. And I don't care how many trips it takes, or how long it takes.

And I want "to go" box, or there will be 🎎 Trouble In Little China.

I’m the huge dining room of the most popular Chinese restaurant in town — decorated to the hilt — that is always surprisingl empty.

I'm John Pinette at the buffet

I'm the soda with free refills that costs extra and that they think you're a cheap fuck if you don't order.

I'm the dumpster in back of the restaurant. I stink even after I've been emptied.

I'm the french fries they always have for some reason.

I'm the brown on everything; the rice, the chicken, the salad, the tables...

I'm the five extra ramekins of homemade orange sauce for Two ton Tina's Orange Chicken. Hint: it's actually Ken's dressing.

I'm the violent splash of pooh gracing the toilet.

I'm the relatively tiny Styrofoam food container you get to fill when you order the buffet to go.

We're the 14% in town. Even though there are only 4 houses of us in a 10 mile radius. We ALL show up for the Crab Legs fest on Friday nights....

I'm the deplorable family with young kids who think that every Asian is Chinese and that they are eating at some exotic high end restaurant.

I'm Debbie Plorable , I sure hope ICE doesn't Close y'all down like they did JOSE'S BURRITO BARN down the street.

I'm the staff bathroom just off the kitchen. There is no sink in me.

I’m the anorexic lady that cannot have gluten, dairy, sugar...

And then

I’m the chef that escorts her skinny ass out for making a spectacle of all the high fat, gluten filled food.

I’m the confused, frightened looks the staff gives you when you ask them a question in English.

I'm the gigantic red plastic tumbler of ice water or diluted iced tea that the server drops off at the beginning of the meal so she doesn't have to worry about refills.

I’m the freshman studying Chinese in College who goes to the restaurant just to practice his Chinese. He quickly realizes this is not really a ‘Chinese’ restaurant.

I'm the long black hair in the Orange Chicken.

I am the wood chopsticks that come in a red paper wrapper. You have to pull me apart in order to use me.

I'm shocked at all the shitty buffets you guys have in your cities. Most of them are good here. yes there are fried foods, but also some good stir fries and even sushi.

I’m Guy Fieri doing an episode of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Unfortunately, the restaurant is too dirty and gross to air the episode.

You've eaten at grosser places, Guy, and you never turn down a free meal. Or three.

I'm the innocuous mandolin music playing lightly in the background.

I'm Bacillus Cereus, the bacterium that causes "Fried Rice Syndrome."

I'm the sliced bananas in strawberry glaze. I'm turning brown.

I'm the MSG.

I’m the child that puts his chopsticks in his nose to make everyone laugh, then gets kicked out of the restaurant.

I'm the health inspector that closes the place down, after realizing what the "beef" really is.

I'm the cook that ignores the order and puts in MSG.

I'm the Wrong Wife Soup

R37 Cinnamon, Clove, Fennel, Star-Anise, AND Szechuan peppercorns. (though they're technically not true peppercorns) Many Chinese 5-Spice powders are misnomers, as they often add nutmeg, coriander, licorice, ginger, white pepper, and even cardamom. Weird I have only tasted it in every fried starter at the buffets. Traditional use is in roast pork dishes (Shanghai-style), and famous Chinese BBQ duck and spareribs, as well as the Char-Siu pork.

I'm Gordon Ramsey and I'm going to shut this fucking, filthy, disgusting shithole down. I can't believe you're serving that dirty, rotten shit and calling it an authentic Chinese Buffet.

Everybody put your fucking forks down and get the fuck out of here right now!

[quote] isn't 5-spice used in Szechuan cooking or maybe I'm thinking of some other pepper that makes your mouth tingle?

You are thinking specifically of Szechuan Peppercorns which has a numbing (?) effect.

have*

[quote]I’m the front doors that aren’t unlocked most days until 11:15am, even though they are supposed to open for business at 11am.

I am r45's desperation.

I'm the Chinese Buffet / Breakfast place with a Szechuan chef. I have things like steamed chicken with ginger and green onion, steamed fish, gai lan, red cooked pork, those awesome green beans cooked in oil with dried shrimp and marinated tripe in my hotel pans. We also make our own chili oil and other various condiments.

I'm also the "chop suey" that you wouldn't find in the above establishment made out of whatever we couldn't use prior to filling up the buffet and was created to ensure that money isn't wasted by throwing things in the garbage. I'm both boring and gross. I'm essentially the fried rice of the bean sprout world. Sometimes I'm called "chow mein" even though there isn't a single noodle in me. I am confounding on every level.

I'm also the non-Chinese desserts, the selection of which strangely outnumbers the savoury dishes on offer by approximately 3:1.

"whatever couldn't be used" *

I'm the small pink flecks found in the crab rangoon. Yes, I am the "crab meat".

Homer Simpson

I am the "in bed" that you add after reading every fortune even though it stopped being funny decades ago.

I'm the owner's very tall, slim, good-looking, 19 year old nephew. I'm not gay and I'm not a super-achiever. I'm quiet and don't mind working here and being in America. I don't want to enter the restaurant business and I don't want to learn to write English well enough to go to college. So much work! I don't know what I want. Maybe I should go gay because these American guys want me and they have a lot of energy just like my family. I'm just a lazy Chinese boy.

I’m the obese person with an overloaded plate stacked high with with items falling off the edges. Because those trips back and forth take a lot out of you and my table is already littered with used plates. I have my spouse with me and we are both doing the same thing. We are commenting on the people who are even fatter than us.

I notice this stuff because I’m fat. I used to take two teen boys to one of these places. Active, growing teen boys with size 13 feet who are from a very tall, beefy family. They ate a fraction of what most of the other customers ate.

Im the sign saying “Please eat all you want, but don’t waste food.”

[quote]with size 13 feet

Which has what to do with eating?

Kids with large feet grow into large adults and they eat a lot. I thought that was obvious, but yeah, I guess it sounds weird.

The whole thread in one video

I'm all the chairs in the place, and we're about to call a strike and walk the hell out - we've got four legs, so why the hell not?

r87 doesn't understand the concept of "buffet."

I'm the 10-year-old daughter of the Hakka cook who does her homework on the couch before white men thronged in at dinner time.

I'm the nice Jewish family who keep Kosher at home but at the Chinese buffet all Kosher rules are forgotten as they gorge themselves on all the shellfish dishes.

I'm the locked drawer in the owner's desk. I contain the passports of the slave,xxxx er employees of this establishment. These documents will never see the light of day gain, nor will they ever be returned to their rightful owners. As long as the owner has control of these documents, he can force employees to work off the clock for free and threaten them if they make silly demands, like a pay check or time off.

Ain't America great?

I'm the dingy choking first aid poster flecked with Christ-knows-what.

I'm the Chinese soap opera actor, who has an actress girlfriend but actually more of an ambitio-sexual, in the show streaming on the screen of the cashier's Huawei phone. I'm also the object of her sexual fantasy, at least in recent weeks.

I'm the front door with the bell hanging on the inside handle that Betty Lou's son hits on his way out. I also have faded "accepted here" credit card decals. No we haven't accepted Diners Club since 1985. Yes, I know the sticker is still there.

I'm the sweet and sour pigeon, er, chicken.

I’m the gum, candy, and mints for sale at the cashier counter.

I'm the gaggle of blacks who can't stop loudly licking the grease off their fingers as they reach in for another scoop.

I’m EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! 💨💦💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩

The food in those all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets tastes like it's been through the dishwasher.

R116 I’m your gurgling stomach and the little toots that begin as I gorge on crab legs. Can I make it to the bathroom on time? Nope, the men’s room is being cleaned.

I’m the rats that come alive at night. Instead of vacuuming they allow my friends and I to clean the floor, counters, etc.

I am Jell-O. Here I am, your dessert. Jell-O with cool whip topping. Very authentic.

We're the young, pretty asian waitresses in matching faux-chinese outfits. We're way too perky and smile too much. We live in the basement at night behind a locked door.

I'm the fake plastic chinese lantern hanging from a water-stained cork board ceiling in a barren corner. If the fluorescent light panel near me were any closer, you'd notice I haven't been dusted in years.

YOU BEEN HERE FOUR HOUR! YOU EAT FOUR TRAYS OF SHRIMP AND TWO PLASTIC LOBSTERS! YOU GO NOW.

Sum Ting Wong

I'm the customer picking his nose/ass and then touching the buffet food under the sneeze guard.

Bon appétit!

I'm the shrimp in the fried rice that are not deveined. Nasty.

I'm the people who think because you pay one price you don't have to tip. I'm also the employees who make about 12 dollars a week but live in fear of complaining. I'm also the reason you never see stray dogs or cats near those buffet places, at least you don't see them there for long.

I’m the tear in the pleather covered booth covered with duct tape.

I'm the side eye the cook and cashier give you while waiting for your order as they're talking shit about you in Chinese because that's just what they do.

"Hun how ho....chow mi pa fu kah!" "HAHAHAHAHA....won ton oo ye mau show shang DUC!!!!"

They both nod at you and smile politely.....

I'm all the chins and Chins.

I'm the collection of 110 disturbing violations found by the health inspector.

I’m all the fat thighs rubbing together sound.

I’m the aquarium at hostess stand.

I'm Chinese decor junk found in the Chinatowns of the 1980s, long gone now. You're a bohemian student and you love the ventricular of it all. I create the immense nostalgia when patronising the small town Chinese buffet, but you stay critically awake to eat well, as well as possible considering the dismal situation.

I’m the gentleman eating round 3, contemplating round 4 because he didn’t make it in L.A.

I’m the ceiling coves with pink neon. The owner wanted people to walk in and say “wow”.

I’m sneaking out of gym class with my bros to partake of the best lunch $5 can buy.

I'm the collection of lucky cats next to the cash register.

I'm the Mai Tai ordered in a weirdly shaped glass that looks or tastes nothing like any Mai Tai served anywhere, ever, at any actual Chinese restaurant in the history of mankind. I am some sort of fruit juice blend with "mystery" alcohol.

R108 I’m the father of the Jewish family. We’ll leave the car and walk from here to temple after we’re done eating to keep up appearances like we walked the whole way.

I’m the hot, fit guy eating mounds of food making everyone perplexed.

I'm the guy wondering what is the difference between small town and big city buffets.

I am monosodium glutamate.

I’m the central supply company that outsources all the same dishes to every so-called “Chinese” buffet, so that every one of them serves exactly the same food, cooked the same way.

Seen one, ya seen ‘em all....

Seinfeld, party of 4.

I’m Bobby Flay filming ‘the best dish I ever ate’ at the Chinese Restaurant.

CARTWRIGHT! R145

Oops, sorry. It's been 100 years since I watched. It was also party of 3 not 4. I have no memory of Kramer not being there. Probably that's what made it a really good episode. Thanks for the clip!

I’m the toilet in the single stall in the men’s rooms. My lid is down, covered with yellow drops from men who didn’t bother to raise me. There is more liquid in puddles on the floor.

Patiently, I witness men do what the do, with only a few actually washing their hands afterward.

*men’s room

*men do what they do

I am the angry daughter of the owner. I have to work there everyday unless I’m away at school. I am imperious and don’t give a fuck about customer service. I think Americans are lazy and gross based on my interactions at the cash register.

R10 for the WIN!

I'm the red flocked faux velvet wall covering.

I’m the dead koi floating belly up.

I’m the crotchfruit holding my filthy finger under the chocolate fountain, licking the chocolate off and then sticking it back under again.

I'm the placemat built for alcoholics with illustrations of different kinds of mixed drinks. I'm the only reason anyone would ever order a "grasshopper" in 2019.

I’m the al fresco dumpling kitchen.

Lesser buffets buy frozen ones. Quelle horreur!

I’m am the mother of the restaurant owner and told him, ‘No like restaurant idea.’ He disagreed and now is a multimillionaire. I’m the one with egg foo young on my face.

This is part of my fixation with Datalounge.

I will never have occasion to set foot in an all you can eat Chinese buffet in small town America. (TBH, I never even knew they were a thing.)

But thanks to 158 posts (with many more sure to come) I can now experience them from the comfort of my couch.

R159 you're shitting me, right?

YMF is from NYC. There is a good Chinese buffet downtown called Yip’s, but it’s definitely not the trademark generic small town Chinese buffet experience we all know and love.

I'm the dirty apron all the waitstaff seem to wear.

I’m the full buckets of bleach that are never used. Who has time to clean?

I'm the wasabi you thought was green tea ice cream.

I’m actually horseradish with green food coloring r164

im the freshly washed dishes and utensils that were cleaned in the neighborhood lake

I'm the female employee doing prep work *in the dining room*, cutting vegetables *on the table* while sitting in one of the booths near the kitchen - with her daughter in a high chair next to her. I actually witnessed this at a Chinese buffet near Crafton, PA (outskirts of Pittsburgh) when a friend took me there for lunch.

I'm the claw sticking out of every deep-fried composite ball.

I'm the sad pan of imitation crab sticks drenched in melted margarine that has been sitting here all afternoon.

I'm the irony in the fact that Chinese people don't eat the same slop they feed/sell us!

I'm "American" section of reheated tv dinner frozen mac and cheese, frozen chicken nuggets, sad dried out spaghetti, chocolate pudding and whipped cream - for the kiddos.

I'm the fat redneck sitting in the booth with his fat family after our third helping.

Others can't tell what I'm saying but I just used my fingers to pull back my eyes to look "Chineeeee"

The kids got a kick out of that!

I'm only God knows what it is they throw into the wok when you piss them off

Actually I've seen the female staff eating in a booth at the back in the couple of Chinese buffets I've been to and all they're eating are bowls of rice and drinking water. They are all stick skinny. Probably rice, white rice, is all the owners allow them to eat. They'll probably kill them if they take anything with meat, chicken or fish. I can imagine it. "You take a shrimp! You die!

I'm the dark brown, rancid, oil in the deep fryer that hasn't been changed in months, with an extra crispy dead rat floating in it.

The oil at R175 wants us to know how hardcore it is.

The truth is, no matter how hard it tries, it will never be me.

I'm the EMPTY roll of toilet paper in the Men's room.

I was once taking a post buffet massive dump , when one of the kitchen workers came pounding on my stall door. I told him , one moment.

He apparently could no longer wait and took a massive explosive shit on the Men's room floor.

I'm the bathrooms in any food service related establishment that shouldn't be used unless you're taking a piss.

Why was Bonnie Mace at R178 using the men's room?

This is R178 , THANK GOODNESS , DID NOT GET ON MY NEW SHOES .

Honestly, I've never cared for such places. Everyone I know who eats at them, says the same thing, "you don't buy the food, you only rent it." I can't understand why people willingly go back to places over and over again, when they know they will end the night with explosive diarrhea.

I'm the skinny kid at the table eating egg rolls, talking with my mouth full. I wipe my greasy fingers on the vinyl tablecloth, then I pick my nose.

My fat big sister is on a high protein diet so she loaded up her whole plate with only fried shrimp. As she waddled over to our table, a few fell on the floor so she went back and got some more. As she bit into one, I saw shrimp guts.

I’m food that the staff/family is eating at a table in the back during slow times. I am nothing like what’s at the buffet. I smell good. If you stroll by, you’ll notice that I am KFC extra-crispy.

I'm the well worn, expired 10 % Off coupon dug out of a purse crevice. It was clipped from a newspaper five months ago and some old gasbag is barking at the cashier about why wont they take it. She has paid the bill already, but just wants to bitch about something.

Im the one tiny thin napkin that your server brings to your table. I'm about 4x4 inches and one-ply. Later, when the server walks by and you ask if it would be possible to get more napkins, she returns with ONE and places it in the middle... to share with the entire table.

[quote]I am the "in bed" that you add after reading every fortune even though it stopped being funny decades ago.

I'm the alternate phrase "Between the sheets" which can also be used.

I am the county restaurant inspector. I'm a regular at this Chinese buffet, but not as a customer. If it weren't for their numerous violations and citations, I'd be out of a job.

Why do the owners of these places have so little regard for proper food preparation and sanitation procedures?

[quote]I'm the guy wondering what is the difference between small town and big city buffets.

Absolutely nothing.

Big cities tend to have things like "The Teriyaki Experience" and shit which are a bunch of Chinese people pretending to be Japanese serving you Chinese food that they cook in a pretending-to-be-Japanese manner.

Because the average American will remain blissfully unaware of that as long as they can eat all they can eat for low low prices r188

I’m the unisex bathroom uncomfortably close to the kitchen.

And where’s the fucking paper towels?

I'm the mile-wide metal trays of yellow and brown pudding on one side of the buffet. My contents come out of giant aluminum cans that are dumped into me when I'm empty. You can access my contents with a giant, clanging metal spoon which scrapes my tray every time you grab a clump.

Despite being the stuff of nightmares, my cheap, corn-syrup and flavoring-heavy goo is eagerly gobbled-up by the patrons each day, and re-filled each night.

I'm r186. I'm completely oblivious to the fact that in a thread highlighting food waste, I'm bitching about napkins and wasting paper and therefore trees. I don't give a shit about the environment, but I love to look down on Deplorables for eating a lot.

I'm the fish in the aquarium feeling nervous when Tiger Mom walks by me...

Muriel doesn’t eat at the Chinese buffet. She just eats our replies.

I’m an embarrassed teen because my father keeps asking everyone in the family if they like “chink fried rice” or “sweet and sour chink”?

R15 touché, well done. That was a good one, I likey.

I'm R156 again. I forgot to attach a picture of myself.

R177 - Can spare a square?

I’m the heroin addict bum that sits by the front door, with my can, asking for donations.

[quote][R15]touché, well done. That was a good one, I likey.

Well yes, except for the fact that the INS hasn't existed since 2003.

Yip's buffet place in NYC is no longer open. I checked for it online.

New York is really not a buffet destination.

Now Myrtle Beach, on the other hand, has more buffets than I've ever seen, anywhere.

I guess they don't call it the "Redneck Riviera" for nothing.

I’m foreign currency and American currency taped to the wall behind the cashier. I’ve been taped here for decades.

R202 nyc is more about the food carts. Personally I would eschew Yip’s for the Halal Chicken Over Rice cart. Best street food $5 can buy!

I thought this was one of the best/funniest DL threads in a while. Any more posters? Please....

"Where the buffet is endless and the cats are nervous"

I'm the church ladies who forgot to tip on Sunday.

I'm the "fresh" fruit that has been there for so long it's gummy.

I'm a Millennial Cunt, who shall never deign to dine here. I can only ask inane questions like some visiting alien might.

I’m the stomach turning odor of stir fry grease and garlic that will stick to your clothing and hair after you leave the restaurant.

I'm Red Dye #5. I'm all over the "Sweet N' Sour" dishes. I make youngsters hyperactive, and the elderly's tickers skip a beat. I'm Orange dye #4 (Tartrazine). I'm what makes the "Orange Chicken" and "General Tsao's Chicken" so special... and Orange. I also make children hyper, and when mixed with MSG, cause some adults to have anxiety and insomnia. We both love to stain clothes, so be very careful enjoying us!

Thank you!

or maybe i should say, 谢谢 (Xièxiè)

I’m the sheet cake and jello desserts.

I'm the combination of rice and noodles that people seem to always have on their plate simultaneously for some reason.

I'm the fatties who take a dinner plate to the dessert area since the regular dessert plates are too small for them.

"One or the other, people" - R215

But why? They're both just vehicles to convey the flavory parts of Chinese food to your mouth and to provide some substance to the meal. If you like the pork lo mein flavor and the kung pao chicken flavor, why not have both?

I'm the plus-sized glory holes in the men's room.

I'm the bag of frozen chicken nuggets that, once covered in the "sauce" from R211's post, will become "the most delicious General Tsao's Chicken I've ever eaten - and I've been to a LOT of Chinese all-you-can-eat buffets" (says a fattie, as she uses up the one napkin the server left to wipe the extra sauce off her mouth...)

Lol r216 I do that.

Welcome to Nasty Buffet.

I'm the husband seen carrying a newspaper into the men's room.

Don't. Ask.

I am the guy who paid 9.99 for the buffet then is upset the sushi has crab stick in it and not real crab meat.

I am one of the three ladies behind the counter engaged in conversation with my co-workers in our native Cantonese. People think we're angrily screaming at each other, but we are using our indoor voices and talking about the nice weather we're having.

I'm the "Chinese donut" fried dough ball covered in sugar

I’m the dry meat and thin watery tasteless sauce on the Generals Tao’s Chicken.

R225 your outer edges are stale.

I'm the pan of lonely lychees next to that tray of orange goo

I'm the dried up slices of pizza and frozen fish sticks for the kiddos.

I am the farm family -- Mom, Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, and seven kids. We're all tired, dirty, and smelly with cowshit on our boots. We try to smuggle food out in containers that Mom tries to hide, but the waiter sees us and tells us NO!

We're the Hispanic workers in the kitchen who shoulder a lot of the chopping and peeling.

I am the "pizza" and " fried doughnuts" two items that use refrigerated biscuit dough as the main ingredient

I’m the dried up boogers underneath the cash register...My person picks me when no one is watching, or when she THINKS no one is watching...

I'm the old lady who gets shrimp, dumps it into a plastic bag, and goes back five times. Whenever I'm having a party, stop by the buffet because shrimp is so expensive,

I'm the old lady who gets shrimp, dumps it into a plastic bag, and goes back five times. Whenever I'm having a party, stop by the buffet because shrimp is so expensive,

Ooops, along with going back for shrimp more than once, I posted more than once.

I’m the owner’s mother ordering the waitresses about as she eyes resentfully what people put on their plates.

I'm the med student reading this, changing my speciality to Cardiology now

I'm the white trash family of four decked out in slutwear and sleeve tattoos. I weigh approximately as much as a 1963 Buick. In between courses I take turns trotting out to the parking lot for a smoke.

I am the neon sign. I am the only visual element that is of any interest.

I am cinderblock architecture with no windows save for the one in the front. My walls are decorated with late night pee stains and the occasional shower of vomit.

I am a flat plastic dragon. I am five feet long from tail to snout. I am prancing giddily across the wall, having been power-stapled there as part of the authentic decor.

I'm the Jumbo Shrimp that never stood a chance.

I’m a curly pubic haiR accidentally dropped in

We are open! Please come in, fat Americans. Our food is delicious. Hello???

I’m the corona virus.

I cawona viwus! I kill you!

I'm the recent addition to the drinks list, served from outside and known as the Molotov cocktail.

I am the Chinese Buffet that is closed. Indefinitely.

I'm the pink table cloths and linen napkins.

I am the pretty, young waitresses kept chained in the basement at night. Since the restaurant closed due to quarantine, someone forgot to unlock us!

Hell-o-o-o-o-o!!!

It's not the first time you smelled fishy, Dick.

I'm the Pangolin Chow Mein.

We're the dusty old chopsticks. None of the lowlifes in this town have ANY idea what we are.

I'm the fish tank full of these things:

I am the restroom with no TP >