Message to Gertie at Monday Morning Moos, #2

Oh, no!

What do we do? I’m just a cow!

TapTapTap...

Tap...

What!

Horns, I have filed an appeal with the official arbiter, farmer something, I forget. Let’s see if we get somewhere with this.

Horns, try it now and let me know if you can get in. I dropped some buttermilk off at Muriel’s.

[quote] they're locked again

Much like the gates at the abattoir.

R8 is the reason the barn is locked.

Advil, Phyllis, did you get out of the barn? I asked Muriel nicely to unlock it, but I can’t tell where it stands because I am a paying member. Member? Is that the word?

Roy just gave Rolf a pedicure so I hate to ask him to dig you out again.

Moo to you anyway, through the slats.

Help!

This is very upsetting.

Phyllis, can you read the old thread? You can read, right? And just not write?

Moo?

Gertie, the situation is dire. I took an IV to gather the energy to write you back. How long will this continue?

The cows are listless and dull, there is no clover. Auntie Taco is pecking himself to death, I fear. He's pecked off half his feathers, and Homer's copter is lost for a rescue because he can't stop weeping.

Even Jane Pauley is splayed in a drainage ditch, mumbling and incoherent.

Could Günther possibly balloon us back to the barn and pasture?

Ok, Phyllis, I need you to focus that bird brain of yours. You see that little mallet thingy that says “break in case of emergency”? Well, break the glass, and grab the mallet. I want you to use it to break the forth wall. Once you do, let me know if you can read the other thread, and just not write? Ty, sweetie.

And don’t let Carl hook you up to any IVs, we’ve had bad luck with that before.

I'm JaPapapa

Alright, Günther, I will look right now. Hold the line.

R18, Moo, baby, moo.

The hens are reporting that Jane Pauley's depressed drool is a serious threat to her breathing. We may lose her.

Make Roy give Jane a little Gin. She’ll be fine.

Günther, It's me, Phyllis, baGAWK.

I see the mallet. I'm pecking the glass.

This is Melrose. Moo. Carl and I are ballooning just behind Günther, hellooo? Happy to be of assistance.

Melrose, can you please help Phyllis? She only has a tiny little bird brain, and I keep forgetting that.

I broke the glass! I have the mallet! I'm swinging it... NOW

Günther is wondering what Phyllis is doing.

Ignore the peanut shells, Phyllis!

I did it!! Sorry it took a minute, Tommy the Bull brought pizza.

Gertie? It's confirmed, the Gate is locked. I'm shaking it.

That's not the Gate you're shaking, Melrose. Those are my teats.

Well now, I’m just a cow, you understand. If only this were a quiz about cow names I would feel more confident.

I asked Muriel a week or so ago to unlock the barn but apparently she did not, I guess. Maybe it’s a computer program that locks things? All I can figure, is we’ll just have to create a new thread every Monday, in lieu of appending to one continuing thread. What you you think?

I can’t explain why this thread is unlocked. Can you? Or, can moo?

I am LaFitte. I have a theory.

My calculations suggest that assorted Moo threads are locking at 50 replies. You can look at my notes, right here in my smock. Roy gave me extra lunch-time to make these calculations.

Wow, you can count to 50? I’m impressed. I get as far as 20, and then I get bored.

Damn Muriel! I’d shake my fist at her, if I had a fist. LaFitte, do you have a fist? Shake it for me, would you please?

Gin. Gin...

A bit more gin...

Melrose, are you saying that you left Carl alone to steer our rescue balloon? Was this a good idea, Melrose??

Carl, Watchout! I’m floating here! I’m floating here! What’s the matter with you?!

...Pauley! I'm Jane Pauley... losing it again...

Carl, the captain of my heart.

Would someone link that song please? I'm feeling melancholy, and Dulcinea broke my face.

This one, R30?

No, but a good choice, Mortimer. Thank you.

I'm looking for "Captain of My Heart," or something similar. It puts Carl in a trance when I hum it to him. Reminds me of the day we met, when he snuck into my room on the slow boat and stole my pillow. Memories.

For Melrose, is this it?

That's the one, Tank, and look at tranced Carl floating back to us... Like nothing ever happened.

And we're aloft, thanks, Tank. Between Günther and Carl, we're altogether and everyone is safe, even Jane Papapa. Let's hover here til next Monday and see where we land.

Aww fuck off, Deborah Norville.

Moo, everyone! Good morning!

Salutations, beasts. I'm taking the copter for an unauthorized spin and I have room for one more. You'll have to sit in the back, of course, because Carl is my co-pilot. Is this a warning? Probably.

MOOOO.

Greetings, Homer. While I am concerned for your safety, I am also interested in seeing the fireworks. So, I’m conflicted.

I’m a little bored. Shall I just “moo”, then?