Let's be Lindsay Lohan's purse

I’m a small hand towel with dried cum of a powerful Arab on it.

I'm a fleet enema bottle empty and scrunched up.

A tub of melted butter to go with the crabs she serves up.

I am a pack of Menthol cigarettes in a regular cigarette package so I can be smuggled into Turkey.

I see Chrissy Metz's snack purse eyeing me. It's making me nervous. How can I signal that I contain no delicious snacks?

I'm the cocaine packed underneath the deodorant stick.

I’m the Dr. Pepper flavored Lip Smacker with the missing cap leaking on everything.

I'm the packet of baby wipes that's lost its seal and now I'm caked with hairs and specks of dirt.

I'm the four cheap lighters she's swiped off other smokers who are thrilled that "Lindz" has asked them for a light.

)'m the American Express Centurion Card gifted by MBS.

I'm a little pillbox containing three Xanax and a Plan B.

I'm the smushed eye mask and warm half-bottle of champagne swiped from an Emirates first class seat on the way off the plane.

I'm a pack of Lee Press On nails to glue on her finger stub. I'm also a fake tooth for the visible one (of many) that rotted and fell out. I am samples of my cosmetics line that never launched, filled with high quality Afghan smack.

[quote] high quality Afghan smack.

She probably gets her drugs in Turkey before it's cut with crap in Europe. I bet she has the best drugs.

I'm HIV meds.

I'm money. She keeps searching her purse for me but I've never lived there.

I'm Stevie Nicks cokespoon, I was nicked at a party.

I'm my 37th handwritten list of men to fuck. 2 names are recognisable in English.

I'm a tiny dog-eared notepad full of barely-legible money-making schemes that Lindsay has scribbled when she's drunk or high. Among my contents are "Facebook for yacht girls", "bedazzled Thighmaster", and the curious "adroxies pluto 45" which appeared after she combined cocaine with crushed rhino horn during a Brazillian wax.

I'm the running mascara.

I'm scratched Bulgari sunglasses stolen from Ypir 7 years ago.

I'm the wadded up kleenex at the bottom covered in smudged eye makeup. I survived a drug fueled emotional breakdown.

I'm the Poise panty shield, because Ms. Lohan almost always exudes discharge.

I'm the 5 year old tampon in the very bottom. She keeps me in here in case she drops her purse in front of people, but sadly, the works rotted out years ago.

Used toilet paper ... fans love me, they will try to take anything. It is so exhausting to be me.

We are the three loose oxycodone tablets and Tara Reid's Visa Platinum card with an expiration date of 08/07 both taken from the aforementioned's top drawer at 5:30 am ten years ago after our Linds snuck out of the house after a very unsuccessful three way with Ms. Reid and Mark McGrath. We are safely ensconced on the side beneath the lining that tore and we all have been frequently attempted to be used....usually around 7am and usually in a hotel lobby in Riyadh.

I'm a half used tube of Monistat, I keep the Vagisil, and the hemmerhoid cream tubes company.