Let’s be a “gay dating” app (Grindr, Scruff, etc.)

I’m the “happily partnered” guy who is “just looking for friends” with NO HOOKUPS! in all caps.

Profile includes 3-4 semi nude headless torso shots.

I'm the $39.99 per month that Grindr is now charging for I'm not sure what.

Gay dating more like gay mating app. There's no dating there, just fucking.

Funny stuff OP.

OMG - that's me with the green jacket at 1:56. I'm gonna soo

I’m the pissy queen whose profile is a screed of all the things they don’t want, followed by “I’m just a simple guy looking for a no drama relationship!”

I’m the bio male dressed as a woman - or transgender woman - looking for a man on a gay dating app where guys are looking for a man. Talk about going to the desert for a tall glass of water!

Im the annoying as fuck latino that sends 12 pics of his butthole before saying hello.

I am the Bot who responded to your taps

I’m the profile with the unbelievable 6 pack avatar.

I'm the man with no photos who spends his entire profile complaining about 'pic collectors' and wondering why he never gets laid.

I'm the utterly fascinating details of someone's gym routine.

I'm your co-worker. I'm blocking you.

I can't accom because my flatmate is in.

Obviously my flatmate doesn't know I'm gay. Or is just incredibly judgemental about consenting adults having sex.

Or by 'flatmate' maybe I should say 'wife'.

I'm the family member who has paid a sudden unexpected visit, or fallen ill, or died... which means your potential 'date' can't meet you now.

I'm the guy who says 'I know I'm not what you're looking for but..'

I haven't had sex since the late 1980s.

I'm the passive aggressive asshole and I will message you with a simple '?' when you don't respond to my message within 2 seconds.

I will follow this up with 'Shame me couldn't meet...'

The ellipses are my secret weapon.

I haven't had sex, ever.

I'm the guy leaving your place after our 'date'...I've got the app open to block you immediately.

I'm the guy REALLY into poppers.

Obviously I don't have any of my own but perhaps I could use yours?

I'm the guy who's most recent profile pic was taken in 2008. But as I'm here now why don't we just fuck anyway?

I'm the 'date' we arrange for 2 days hence.

I won't happen.

Looking for a psychopathic, internally-homophobic and hyper-sexualised control freak, but not set in stone. Please also be defined by labels, have a large collection of bathroom mirror selfies (with your shirt off of course), be a compulsive liar and write ‘ask me’ or ‘I’ll fill this in later’ as being mysterious, monosyllabic and enigmatic is really alluring.

I am strictly looking for men completely obsessed with the way they look, hate their jobs and think spending hours at the gym every day is a life well spent. People who adore validation from strangers to the front of the queue! I consider myself hyper-masc. In fact I’m probably straight. I like pussy so much I don’t even know why I’m on here and every other gay ‘dating’ app.

I appreciate men who are discreet because discretion is the better part of valour. I also appreciate men who are discrete since I value someone with the emotional maturity to establish and maintain clear boundaries.

Another thing, don’t even think about using “Grrr”, “hi” or “hello” or any other bullshit one-word opening line. I want poetry and I don’t mean metaphorically. I want you to sit down and right me a goddam poem. Something original and witty. And not some crappy first draft either. Writing is rewriting. I want rhyming, meter, imagery, theme. It had better be fucking brilliant otherwise I will block you.

Oh and thanks for all the compliments guys. You see I’m so incredibly popular, handsome and sexy, and there are just so many of you who want me that I couldn’t possibly take the time out from constantly looking in the mirror to acknowledge your existence.

I'm the guy without a face pic who says that he won't meet anyone without a face pic.

I'm American Army man deployed overseas or maybe on a nearby airbase looking for Relationship with someone I can Trust Deeply! I am at least 300miles away but am REALLY 6800 miles away, which you can see when my fake GPS location app malfunctions. Talk to me more on Google Hangouts, where I can send you a virus!

We use PlanetRomeo.com On Monday night it made us VERY happy: 28 year old French IT marketer person , 6 foot plus,, perfect gymnast body, dark hair, moviestar good loking,uncut sizemeat, etc. It was just what we needed to start the week of right. And for you nasty jealous sisters: the cost was zero.

I’m the coworker who is constantly gushing about his long-term partner of eight months—with a photo of their Disneyland engagement photo everywhere—except his Grndr profile, which pops up every time you open the app.

LOL at the very accurate posts on here in general and the ones about guys with the long lists of things they don't want ("don't send me a face pic with sunglasses on. Block!")

I'm the guy whose profile says "masculine jock" and whose photo features him in a backwards baseball cap with a muscle tee. When I show up I'll make Richard Simmons look macho.

Our profile states "No trios/drugs"

“If you tap me, I’ll fly into a schizophrenic rage and may hunt you down to kill you”

I'm the stale wit on Scruff under the "Looking for" header.

Looking for: My keys, my wallet, my sanity

Hahahahahaha!

I'm the blank profile that turned out to be a hot, closeted 24 year old with a giant cock back in 2014.

I am why you've spend the last five years responding to blank profiles in the vain hope that lightening will strike twice.

I'm the guy with the headless torso pic who starts demanding pix from you the minute you say hello back.

I’m the annoying Latino or Asian that asks you for more pics even though you have six posted . Lol :.oddly enough they have no pics AT all.

I'm the "discreet" guy that won't show you face but will show you countless pics of his ass or cock.

I'm the 65 year old who, through dogged determination and a weak grasp on technology, inspired every local guy under 40 to add "NOT INTO CREEPY OLD MEN" to their profile.

I'm the non-white guy who knows he's likely going to be rejected by many others for not being white. So all my photos will be taken in a way that does not reveal that I am Asian/Latino/Black until the very end, at which point even those guys for whom it would not have been a big deal will think "shady AF" and block.

I'm the guy who is looking for a real meaningful relationship with a HUNG XL guy.

I'm the guy with the profile that is all about how large my penis is but I will get so offended if someone asks to see it.

I'm the excessive question marks from foreign guys that appear if you don't respond immediately to something I just said.

I’m the absurd entitlement of ugly effeminate rock stupid twinks

I’m the socially self conscious racist who knows better than to openly exclude anyone, so I overcompensate by making sure they know I “welcome” all races even.

I’m the Asian bottom who only wants white jocks. Men of color stay away!!!

I’m also writing an article about how white jocks who don’t let me suck their dick are racist.

I’m looking for RIGHT NOW.

Im the guy that lists his ‘real’ career on his profile. Then goes on and on .. and on about it

Im the black guy that acts like a ghetto thug while texting you.

I'm the guy who links a private Instagram page.

Im the guy who has a girl next to him in every pic.

I'm the Black American who has prototypical negroid features but still puts "mixed" on his profile.

I'm the ultrawoke and liberal white guy who is always lecturing everyone on their lack of wokeness.

I ignore black and Latinx guys on Grindr because I'm afraid they are going to beat me up or rob me, something I will never admit to anyone.

r48 Then when you ask him about it.. he gives you major attitude:

My profile says I'm looking for someone who likes to read, but when people send me messages about books I don't respond.

Im the latinos in Denver who are ashamed to be latino. They all say they’re mixed. I’m sorry boo but you’re 5’2. Come up with a new story.,

Im the guy that lives in 5 diff cities. NY LA SF Miami and Omaha. Omahas where I reside 100% of the time.. in my mothers basement.

I’m the guy who is ALWAYS ONLINE AND L👀KING.

I’m the woke femme queer who constantly complains about toxic masculinity.

I refuse to date gay guys but will openly talk about lusting after straight guys.

I’m the obviously scanned snapshot from an old Kodak roll of film circa 1997, showing a man then in his 20s or 30s, on a profile claiming to be a 39 year old.

I’m the guy who messages you from 4000 miles away. Why?

I’m the shady guy with 4 active accounts and raging amnesia about who’s rejected him 3 times already. I’m nothing if not persistent.

R54 Speaking from experience?

I’m the PNP whore who asks to do a gigantic hit of your stash as soon as he’s in the door, then waits two beats and a limp stroke before exclaiming “I’m sorry but I don’t think this is gonna work out.” 😔

I’m the 68 year old who messages every guy under 30 like he has a remote shot in hell.

I’m the guy just looking for platonic friends; I’m not looking for sex. Yet, I post nude pics in my profile, and then declare I’m versatile.

I’m the creepy and homely looking owner of the app who catfishes past crushes and gets revenge on them for rejecting me in the past. My name is not Joel.

Im the white guy who is rejected by every single minority on the app.. odd I know.. but I live in a reverse racist city.

[quote]I live in a reverse racist city.

Everything you posted in this thread has to do with race, and then you post this? Bye, troll.

I'm your neighbor that lives 50ft away.

[quote]I ignore black and Latinx

I'm the word "Latinx". No real Latin person who isn't a tranny /ever/ uses me.

I’m the 65 year old man, with bleached blond hair, a pot belly and I wear white flip flops with tight speedo.

I’m wrinkled up from tanning on beach for 40 years. I live in a vintage trailer park in a fabulous double wide.

I think of myself as a 23 year old twink who can get any hot looking top, under age 30. I’m only interested in them and reject all offers, often cruelly. Why wouldn’t a hot twink, with money, want me???? I only need a young top, with a big cock, great bod, handsome, with money to supplement my Social Security. I deserve it.

I’m the trans fem non binary freak in clown clothes who constantly messages muscled jocks and then cries transphobia because I am ignored

I’m the 65 old American tourist who looking for twinks only. No moneyboy please. I’m never visiting this shithole of a country again after getting my wallet stolen. Twice!

I'm the LA tranny who created 20 new accounts because everyone in my area keeps blocking me.

^ who’s

I’m the queen that complains that guys are soooo superficial - but blocks when you try to make conversation by asking about their hobbies and what they do for fun.

“Your personal questions are making me feel uncomfortable!!!!”

I’m the leathery muscle bear that’s only into guys with beards, bareback sex and needs to use the word “buddy” constantly. When I agree to hook up with you, I realize that a big dick is more important to me than a beard.

“Yeah buuuudy, good deal buuudy, out with friends bwuuuuuuuuuuuuuudy”

Im the FFK that turns down anyone 5 lbs overweight.

I'm Justin Justin Brenden Brandon Michael. I only hookup with guys that have exaggerated made up names.

I’m the guys who who ONLY hooks up with guys that are DDF—and I believe them because it says so in their profile. Why would they lie?

I'm the guy who introduces himself with his first name and then immediately asks for yours.

I'm the guy who sets up a meet, gets you to leave your apartment and come to mine, then blocks you as soon as you're on your way.

I'm the year 1997 when it was necessary to use condoms to avoid HIV. Many eldergays still believe they are living in me.

Lol, I use condoms just to avoid UTIs. I don't want shit in my pee hole. R80

`Choose your bottoms more carefully, R81

I'm only 34, R80, and a top, but you're a fucking first class moron if you trust some rando from Grindr who tells you that he's on prep and taking it regularly and getting tested for STIs. You don't even know his real name and you believe him?

Plenty of time to bareback once you actually get to know the guy, but for a one time hook-up, no way was I ever going to take the risk.

I’m the stupid fake quizzical pursed lips look guys make in their profile instead of just smiling.

Makes me think, Mmmm...taters.

YourMillenialFriend claims to be a top?

BWAHAHAHAHA

"you're a fucking first class moron if you trust some rando from Grindr who tells you that he's on prep "

NO DUH trust medical science and take prep yourself, fuckwit.

R82 I have standards. My standards prevent me from barebacking strangers. Do YOU have standards?

R86 Medical science tells you to use condoms while on prep.

LOL R80.

It's not HIV, it's all the other stuff you can get from someone.

Not worth it for a one night stand.

Have some self respect.

Shhhh, stop confusing him R88

I’m bi curious and taking it slow.

R89, if you reread my original comment, you will see that it mentioned HIV only. Of course using a condoms provides substantial (not total) protection against other STDs. Hence why some doctors do indeed give the advice R88 cites.

I'm the guy with the somewhat promising profile who starts on immediately about how he hates "femmes" and "twinks" and it's great that you're not like that.

And you're thinking well, if I'm fucking him, he'll stop yammering, only then you talk about swapping face pics and he gets a little cagey and then he finally sends it and damn you cannot hit "block" fast enough.

I'm the guy who likes to preach self-respect while trawling faceless profiles on hookup apps every night.

I am also a DL fave. I also live with my mom.

And FWIW, it's been about a year since I've been on the apps and maybe things have changed but 90% of the time when I said "condom or not happening" guys were actually kind of glad and it was not an issue.

And the ones that did object, you just figured were just about to ask "do you like the parTy?"

In all seriousness R95, it's your choice and good for you for knowing what you want.

On the other hand, as we are both millennials this is the first moment in our lives when we can have sex genuinely freely and without fear, and with all the smoking hot and up for it guys that are more available than ever before. Don't miss out! :P

I'm the smoking hot, ripped, muscular, 24 year old black jock.

I am exclusively interested in bottoming for fat hairy white men over 50.

You forgot to add “Life Is A Banquet” r97

Moree like a buffet at a redneck wedding, R99

I'm the guy who has been partying for 3 days. I want you to come over and sit naked next to me while I scroll through my phone and ignore you.

I am with someone now R97 et ak, but you are right and I did not miss out--just waited till they assumed "fuck buddy" status and I knew them better rather than "random hookup" status.

But all good.

I'm the pic that won't be posted on any profile but is available on kik, whatsapp or snapchat.

I'm the set of arty black and white pics. I hide a thousand flaws.

I’m the guy who says he’s happily partner and is just looking for friends...on Grindr

I’m the guy who sends you a picture of Dick Cheney. Why? Your first message from your empty, picture-less profile was “Dick?”

There you go.

I'm the last gay bar in your area. I've lost all my customers. I just sold up and will be becoming a Wholefoods

I'm the one average looking guy who blocked you after you sent your pic. I matter more than the last five hot guys who were interested.

I describe myself as VGL (very good looking) inmy profile and make it clear I only want to hear from others like me. I scoff at most who answer my ad and wonder aloud where all the hot guys are on a regular basis.

I'm the guy who keeps calling you 'daddy'. I am only seven years younger than you.

I'm the charming, personalised message written with grammatically correct, full sentences. I don't belong in this thread.

I’m the guy who keeps calling you ‘daddy’. I’m 25 years older than you.

I'm your actual daddy. I'm on Grindr too.

I'm DTF

I'm the Ivy League professor who invites hot undergrads to attend his office hours.

I'm the torso pic that hasn't been changed in 8 years. I've still got it baby.

I'm the part of the profile that asks if anyone ever reads these things?

I'm the 20 guys in your age bracket whom you knew and sometimes fucked 20 years ago. You are pushing 60 and they are all miraculously under 50 and looking for 25-40.

I'm the 52-year-old who posts a pic of himself when he was 30 and says "no one over 30" in his ad because I can pass for 30 despite not looking anything like I used to in real life, just in my head.

I'm the middle aged man who links to his Instagram page. I have over 10,000 followers and most of my photos are shirtless selfies.

I'm the sneaking fear in the back of your mind as you troll for your next hookup of ending up middle aged, unwanted, and alone because you can't seem to manage a long term relationship. But you can't seem to stop with the meaningless random sex.

Im the late 20 something Moroccan with a huge thick dick and bad dental hygiene. I have stolen from all your 50yo friends but you, for some reason, I respect and invite to my studio apartment perhaps 4 times a year, and fuck you for hours while sniffing massive quantities of poppers and pitiful quantities of bad coke, looking at straight porn on my cellphone. I rarely cum, either. And I demand suffucating cuddles in precise positions. I will ask you many times if you like 3 ways. There will be overflowing ashtrays, and by the sink there will be a pan of picked over leg of lamb sitting in fat. I will enquire sincerely about your family. My app profile never lasts longer than a day. The negotiation is abbreviated to the point of telekinesis. "C'est qui?" prompts a pic of my dick or ear or foot and "Cho? Viens!" It will be at least 4 a.m.

r122 that is frighteningly descriptive.

It's the "pourquoi?! pouquoi?!" guy again.

R121 Describes most people 40 and up

I'm the lied-about age.

I’m the pretentious and bitchy gay cunt from work who laughs like Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? You can see he is gay from the moon.

When you see him online looking for “other masc guys” you laugh like Bette Davis too.

I'm the 100% top who lifts his legs the second your mouth gets near my whole and then begs to get fucked - afterwards I will say "i never do that" about 5 times to reassure you I am 100% top...okay 99% top.

If you can't manage longterm relationships, there is no reason you can't develop your skills at maintaining some fuckbuddies. Regular fuckbuddies are not at all the same thing as a boyfriend, but the contacts are not meaningless or random.

I'm the closeted family values politician who is using pics with the face cropped out to hide my identity

"I’m the woke femme queer who constantly complains about toxic masculinity."

I'm the Log Cabin Republican who believes people will think I'm butch if I use right-wing talking points.

I’m the same group of tired queens in your area that are always online 24/7. There could be a nuclear war and they’d still be “l 👀 king” and talking about how “orally gifted” they are.

I'm the guys who are "married to the greatest guy in the world" but are logged on to the apps 25 hours a day.

I’m the new in town gay who pretends to be interested in dating to get thirsty gays to “show him around”—on their dime.

I’m a trans man on hormone therapy and who had a his breasts removed who gets mad when he is rejected when gay guys find out he has a vagina.

I'm ducklips. You'll see me in trans pics and anyone who uses Instagram or Snapchat filters.

I'm the profile with READ PROFILE!!!! 🚨🚨🚨 in the subject line.

I'm a local urban primitive tattoo'd pierced punk. I was gorgeous 15 years ago but now I'm in my mid-to late 30s and have a tiny belly and no youth glow. Oh, I have a fat 9-inch uncut pre-cum dripping zob with a PA. I'm sweet and no longer into scat but hedge when asked about devil worship. I'm looking for someplace to park me, in my van, with my bernese mastiff, for the winter. Sex negotiable.

r138 that seems very.... specific.

Well if you open your eyes, the apps are filled with weird and colourful people, some you might even fuck once or twice because you never know where you might find a connection.

I'm this cunt.

I make it clear in my profile that I’m a bitch on wheels, yet still have the audacity to title my profile with unintended irony, “Where are all the nice guys?”

I'm the well-meaning liberal guy with the "cis" prefix in his profile.

I’m parTy queens with meth dick who messaged you at 4 am to see if you wanted to hang out.

I’m the guy that asks so many questions and needs so much information that you feel like you’re negotiating a multinational trade agreement. Then he says he’s tired and going to bed, and you are reminded why most guys are morons.

I'm the unsolicited dick pics

[quote]I'm the Black American who has prototypical negroid features but still puts "mixed" on his profile.

I’ve seen this so many times it’s embarrassing. So many obviously black men are desperate to be mixed.

I’m the guy who chats you but literally takes 20 minutes to respond with one word answers because I’m talking to 10 guys (and you) at once. When you get bored and stop responding and ignore me, I get offended and declare: “This is why you are single and on this app. Good luck!”

🙄

[quote]Lol, I use condoms just to avoid UTIs. I don't want shit in my pee hole. [R80]

I'm a white-glove top. I carefully select my bottoms.

I'm the Trumpster douche at r143. I weigh 300 pounds like my idol, Donnie.

I’m the guy with multiple headless torso shots as well as shots of calves, feet, dick and arsehole. I hit up anybody with “no face pic no chat” in their profile and then bombard them with “?” when I get no response.

I'm the Native American who had 1 Indian in the family line 12 generations ago, maybe.

I’m the geographically limited twit 12,436 km away who wants to come over and hang out.

Now.

I'm the "XL" 6¨cock.

"Nobody has ever complained."

I’m the bi dude who asks if you have have any lesbian friends who want to join in for a little ”lesbo action”

I’m the girlfriend that is oblivious to the fact my boyfriend is fucking twinks raw whenever I’m away at work.

R154 I hate size queens. Since when is 7.5-8 inches considered small?

I’m the straight guy who just wants to get sucked or jerk off together because “I’m not really into the gay thing”

I'm the guy with the enormous cock who wants to jack off in front of you. No touching, though! I'm straight.

I’m the Jabba the Hutt on disability that constantly advertises a discreet gloryhole for hung guys only. I secretly film my visitors and upload the videos to XTube.

I'm the thirsty guy who, after a cumulative four hours chatting over two days, starts to call you "Bub", "babe", or "hon", as if you're already in an established relationship. But you haven't even exchanged last names.

I’m the mentally disturbed closeted Italian who will do a Looking For Mr Goodbar on anyone who tells my secret!

Im the hundreds of clinically depressed guys with low self esteem that are looking to fill the void. Sorry but if you sit on these apps the emptiness will swallow you into the abyss.

I'm your ex, surfing incognito, because I'm in a new, fabulous, 100% monogamous relationship with a calm handsome man, which is what I've always wanted and wish I had had with you.

I'm the 50yo hairdresser with frosted tips and an apartment with a glittering city view, impressive considering I'm a hairdresser. People always come to my impromptu gangbangs because I am polite, upbeat, always have very good drugs, and can draw in a few laid back working-class studs who will fuck anyone thanks to the drugs.

I'm my last two loads. We were blasted up the hole of an enthusiastic "total top" last night.

i’m the declaration, “i’m very oral”

I’m the white yuppie whose “interests” are coffee, wine, the gym, and Game of Thrones.

I’m on Grndr but want to be wooed and get to know a guy before having meaningless sex.

HELLO? IS THIS THING ON? HI THERE! MY NAME IS BILL TAYLOR AND I AM A MATURE GENTLEMAN WHO’S NEW TO “THE SCENE”! I HEARD THAT THIS “GRINDER” THINGY IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET MEN FOR FRIENDSHIP “AND MORE” (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)! TAKE A LOOK AT MY “PIX” (I THINK THE ONE OF ME SHOWING OFF MY “MEMBER’S ONLY” JACKET IS THE BEST ONE! WHICH ONE IS YOUR “FAVE”?) AND IF THEY “WET YOUR APPETITE” THEN WRITE TO ME HERE ON “GRINDER”! BLESS, BILL TAYLOR

I'm Ghana, the location of all your future husbands.

I'M RUTH TAYLOR. BILL, COME TO BED.

My profile name is MascHungTop33

Nothing about this is true.

MOM, YOU TOLD ME YOU’D LEAVE ME ALONE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT IF I WENT TO THE “CORNER STORE” AND GOT YOU A BOX OF “WHITE ZIN” AND TWO PACK’S OF “MORE” MENTHOL’S! DON’T GO BACK ON YOUR “WORD”! LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M TRYING TO FIND YOU A NICE SON-IN-LAW! BLESS, BILL TAYLOR

I'm a profile pic taking in a gym changing room mirror. The camera is covering up a face but I look abs! The owner of these abs doesn't have a personality but look - abs! ABS!

I am hosting at a gloryhole I don’t send pics because it’s a fucking gloryhole!

I have 'DO NOT SEND TAPS' on my Grindr, yet people still send me taps.

Why is the world so cruel?

I am the guy you message who then responds "Are you Gen?"

I am the admonition that you are NOT to begin a conversation with me with hey or hi or what's up. So help you god if you dare to use one of the canned conversation starters. Not with me you don't.

I’m 17. Actually I’m 15. Lord, I’m gonna bleed you dry.

I’m the list of random interests presented as 1-2 word sentences that make me sound wealthy and cool.

“Mondrian. Whiskey. Denim. Jeff Koons. Running. Hiking. Coffee. Dark corners. White briefs. Leather...”

I've already met the love of my life 👬 ❤️ . He's on here too!

Lol I got that one r24.

I CANNOT HOST. I CANNOT HOST. I CANNOT HOST.

R162 I think I have a date with him upcoming. I’m the guy who keeps getting his heart broken swearing this time will be different, but knowing in the back of my mind it won’t be.

I'm the apartment that makes the attractive man come off as a serial killer. There is no boyfriend.

I'm a guy with no pics or information on my profile.

My opening gambit will be either 'Horny?', 'Fun?' or "Whats up?'.

Grrr! I'm a bear! How do you like my paw print tattoo? Pretty fucking unique eh?

Im the "petroleum enginieur" looking for love from Texas yet my distance clearly show I'm located somewhere in sub -saharan Africa.

I'm the incredibly handsome guy you've never seen before but for some reason my height is listed as 2'4"

If you message me, I will respond immediately and ask you to come see me perform on some random pay site.

I'm the profile that only says "ask me anything!" because I can't think of one thing to say about myself.

I will be terrible in bed.

I'm advertising as a masseuse because if I admit I'm a prostitute they'll delete my account. Regardless, it's 150 per hour. 🥀🥀

I'm looking for a gym buddy.

Definitely not a fuck buddy.

A GYM buddy.

For the gym.

And not for fucking.

Please note that even my gym buddies have to reach certain aesthetic standards even though we're not fucking. EVER.

Please also note I'll be so checking you out in the shower afterwards.

I’m “GENEROUS???”

I'm cute, look approachable, and my full gallery has me smiling in every photo. One of which is me with my mother from our vacation last year, one with my nephew and niece, another features me with all my favourite gal pals at a recent birthday party.

My username is HNH ⬇️🅱️🅱️🐷👀4💦.

I’m trying to catch my bf. I just know he’s cheating on me. And when I do get him, I’ll tell the whole sordid tale on DL.

I'm soap and before Truvada, I worked exactly like Truvada. I will be used in the shower forced on tricks when they walk in the door, no matter how clean and lovely they seem. The answer "yes" to "are you clean?" means we can bareback.

I'm the ugly guy you message out of desperation after being rejected by a series of hot ones. You figure someone who looks like me would be happy anyone gave me the time of day. When I say "no thanks," you feel insulted because you know damn well you're out of my league and better than anything else I'm ever gonna get.

I'm Paul Ryan. I'm back in the DC area, hos!

R198 you mixed up the pronouns in that scenario.

I'm the guy you know before you get on Grindr. You never in a million years would have thought you would see me naked someday, but here we are.

I'm the down-low married closet case with a picture of his ass cheeks spread: "I ike showering together before eating ass". My facebook page features a photo my wife at her birthday party : "Happy Birthday to my beautiful bride!"

UGH I hate it when that happens R195.

I’m the guy who deletes the app in frustration and then reinstalls it after drinking too much.

I'm the guy who has a profile pic of himself completely covered in shaving foam with the profile name, "Into Gunge." I message you asking if we can "...hit each other with pies."

Oh and, "No sex."

I cause countless men to google, "What is gunge?"

I just googled, “what is gunge?”

I’m the guy who breaks his first date with you with an obvious and probable lie. You still let him get away with it and try again for a first date because you realize you’re not getting any younger.

I'm the creep who messages you but I don't even get as much as a "hi" back because you get bad feelings about me and you don't want to end up chained in my basement and eventually killed (assuming I wouldn't just kill you right away).

I'm the one you think is kind of hot until I tell you about my fucked up fetish(es). You say "thanks but no thanks" and then block me. It is a shame since I look damn good.

I’m the question/demand, “address?”

With this question, everything has been pretty much been negotiated. You don’t realize that the residents at this address include multiple cats, an elderly individual behind a closed door and an obstacle course of junk.

I'm the ridiculously hot guy who is actually interested in you. You do a reverse image search on Google to see if I am a catfish because you assume it is too good to be true. But it turns out, it is really me.

I'M YOUR WIFE, NOT YOUR MOM.

I’m ‘??????’

I’m the front door. I’m open. Don’t knock, just come in!

I’m new to Grindr. By the end of the month, my ‘presenting ass’ pics will be all over the internet.

I'm more contributors to this/that thread who cannot sustain the narrative voice in my/your/their scenarios. When I/you trick with me/them/you, my/their/your sex is equally discombobulated.

I am the fat old man that gets seriously offended when the way out of their league much younger guy that they messaged, asks “are u gen?”

I'm the Grindr owner's desperate attempt to get people to pay $39.99 a month for my bot-and-phishing-infested app, so I can jack up projected earnings and sell this motherfucker at an increased profit.

I'm the earrings

I'm the sudden, constant Grindr app updates, after years of stagnation. I'm not adding more features or fixing problems, though. I'm removing existing functionality from unpaid users and putting it behind a paywall, and adding more nags to push users into paying a ridiculous monthly amount to use me.

I'm the caftans

I'm the Chinese spy agency that indirectly owns Grindr, funnelling data (including conversations and cock pics) into our intelligence apparatus.

I'm the full-screen, unblockable ad for a loud, blaringly noisy app game that pops up when you are sneakily looking at profiles during a boring corporate meeting.

I'm the friend suggestions on facebook that turn out to be people you were chatting with on grindr hours earlier.

I'm the suggestions for where to eat nearby on Facebook.

I know - you were just chatting on Grindr to someone about where to go to dinner near your hotel in this city you haven't visited before.

I'm related to R223!

[This actually happened to me]

My profile body size says 'stocky'.

I'm morbidly obese.

I’m the stat they left blank; I could be age, weight, race, etc.

It varies from person to person, but I always tell you the thing they hate most about themselves.

I'm the date you arranged to meet later this evening.

I haven't blocked you but I'm not going to respond to your messages asking if we're still meeting.

Obviously our 'date' isn't happening as I've just jerked off / met someone else / can't be bothered.

I'll be messaging you again in a couple of months time like none of this ever happened asking if you want to meet.

I'm the response you give when you're jerking off at PornHub, inhaling poppers, tweaking your nipples, wearing some fetish clothing with a dildo up your ass, checking out messages on apps and desperately trying to get someone, anyone, to just come over and suck your dick.

I'm also known as 'Nothing much...just chilling at home'.

I’m the street. When you see one of your Grindr buddies on me, you look down, walk faster and pretend not to see.

I'm a musclebear in training. I have a 42 inch waist.

Im the clever IT that figured out how to perm block both apps from my phone. Wow.. a whole new life!

Swimmer's Build = scary skinny

Football Player's Build = dadbod

A little extra but wear it well = OINK

I’m the methhead witb some corny username alluding to Tina, slamming or blowing clouds. Their last two brain cells thought it was clever.

Thanks for all of the woofs! If I don't respond, it just means that I'm not interested....sorry!

I’m ver top = I’m a power bottom

No response IS a response!

I'm the guy who gives you a pompous lecture about HIV stigma and words if you ask "are you clean?" when you're about to seal the deal.

"Are you clean?" is a pretty stupid way to ask if someone is poz. The proper way is, "I don't want you infecting me with your bootie flu whore"

A gentleman never asks if someone is clean or has the bootie flu! The only acceptable ways are "Do you live with the hiv?" or a simple "got AIDS?". Anything else is unseemly and rude!

There was a guy in our town who kept notes on all the profiles and his chats. He had a list of guys he thought were poz. When chatting with someone new, he'd work in questions about who they'd had sex with, trying to figure out if they were poz.

R241 J. Edgar Hoover?

R241 .. lol was this in madison wi?

I'm the decent looking middle aged guy (actually me, this poster) who NEVER gets asked if I'm generous. I just get ignored or rejected. I also send out about 70 "hi you like generous guys?" messages a month, of which maybe one or two yes to, but eventually maybe one pans out.

Apparently I live on a completely different planet from other fed-uo Grindr users.

You don't get banned for that, r244?

I’m the guy who has “looking for a guy to delete this app for” on my profile.

I’m also the guy who is looking for a monogamous relationship despite having profiles on sex sites only. I’ll get preachy if you imply I’m a slut.

I'm a 9 inch masterpiece of a laid back, pleasant, attractive enough 50 year old slut. I am a godsend. My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard.

I’m the total top who brags about using condoms and how safe Sex is the only way to go.

I will let you fuck me raw if you’re out of my league and you tell me you’re clean. My previous rules only apply to ugly sluts.

Oh Jeez R244 I thought that meant 'are you genuine?'

I'm the guy who does political polling on Grindr

I'm the creepy guy who wants to be pozzed. No-one knows if I am serious or not.

I am the question 'a/s/l?'. I have gone terminally out of fashion.

I am R251 posting from 2003.

I'm the couch-potato level of lazy that inspires people to do anything other than cruise for online dick on grindr etc.

I’m the greed

I’m the lust

I am the unfortunate looking bottom who doesn't drive and lives with his mom, but can host when she goes to bingo every Thursday night.

I am the unfortunate looking bottom who doesn't drive and lives with his mom, but can host when she goes to bingo every Thursday night.

I’m the bingo

I'm the urban sophisticate. I get my meals, laundry, and life delivered to my front door. Why should sex be any different?

I'm the moonlit 3 eldergays in rosengartens in stadtparks across Europe. We remember 2 decades ago when these were mad orgies of activity.

Im the old guy that desperately tries to fit in just to get laid by adopting teenage slang. Sorry you’re 65 years old you should not be saying a word or chillin

CBS and chill R262?

I’m the twink giving free massages so he can complete his massage therapist certificate program. I just need you to pay for the ma$$age oils and ga$ money.

I’m the genuinely nice and handsome gay guy who is honestly looking for love. I reply kindly to every person who messages me and I genuinely prefer character, intelligence and kindness over looks.

My time on this app will turn me into a raging racist slut who judges people based on wealth and class. I do a lot drugs and went from being a top to being a bottom.

I’m tempted to MARY at least 75% of these posts, including r265

I'm Dian Fossey studying mating rituals of lower primates. Grindr/Scruff have provided 5 of my Ph.D. students with thesis research material.

[post redacted because independent.co.uk thinks that links to their ridiculous rag are a bad thing. Somebody might want to tell them how the internet works. Or not. We don't really care. They do suck though. Our advice is that you should not click on the link and whatever you do, don't read their truly terrible articles.]

We're the gay couple with a joint profile. We're "new to town" and "just looking for friends"

But just in case, we've noted that one of us is a top with an 8" cut dick the the other is a bottom with a bubble butt.

Just in case one of our new friends was wondering.

I’m the lines of coke

I’m the totally not subtle 🌹 in the profile that translate to “I’m a prostitution WHORE” but the more 🌹 🌹 🌹 I put, the more money I think you’ll cough up for my stink hole.

Oh, and I’m totally a 20 year old completely buff TOTAL TOP. Got it? BUFF TOTAL TOP with. HUGE cock. No, I don’t send pics. Please send cash in advance.

I'm the carefully-selected portfolio of profile pics. I'm meant to illustrate a life of beauty and adventure, including shots at Burning Man and atop Machu Picchu.

I'm aaron schock

I'm a pretence free 1st generation college boy jock shooting my dick pic (8 perfect inches) in a Cancun hotel room mirror. I fuck with two other boys just like me on this Spring Break. Campus LBGTQ hooked us up for free PrEP through the college infirmary's connection to the local Department of Health. There is nothing whatsoever identifiably gay about us other than we fuck dudes. Everybody knows and nobody cares. My major is electronics engineering but I like graphics, too.

I'm the unicorn that R274 rode in on

R274

MARY

[R89] The guy you’re conversing with wrote responses 86 to 89. I’m getting more attentive to subtleties and doing block (?) people I suspect are trolls that are here to present shitty if not divisive statements. When there are clustered gaps, I feel like they are indeed shit- disturbers.

im the white gay who only wants to fuck his twin. which is 9/10 white gays.

What does Plug mean, with respect to Grindr.

R278 Let me guess. You’ll complain about the white guys that want to date their twin, AND complain about white guys that want to date someone of a different race or height or hirsuteness.

In other words, you’re just a complainer.

Hi I'm Gaydar! Remember me?

*cries*

I'm Read Receipt, I'm the arch nemesis of Sorry I Didn't See Your Message Guy

I'm the co-worker who didn't block you...can we meet in the basement toilets in 5 minutes?

DO you have the butt flu?

R280 no he’s the gaysian bottom that complains about white tops only wanting to only fuck white bottoms because he only wants white tops to fuck his gaysian hole.

Im the hundreds of masculine asian and latinos on the apps and walking the streets. ........ NOT

I'm YourMillennialFriend who's on Grindr all day posing as a 27 year old but is actually 57.

LOL burn r287

I'm the "couple looking." One of me is drop-dead gorgeous and the other is a monster.

Hi, I'm the monster, the one in control and who makes all the arrangements, nice to meet you. See my younger hotter boyfriend next to me? Isn't he... I mean, aren't we hot? He speaks little and does whatever I need him to. Are you looking at him and not at me... want to hook up?

I'm the one who posts "not looking for hookups" and that I "want something real." But everyone knows I am a total liar and I will drop my clothes in a millisecond for the first decent looking guy that shows any interest in me.

R289 This happens all the time in Denver. There’s always some butt ugly motherfucker w some outdoor bro.

What's with the "activity" profile pictures.

- guys baking!

- guys riding in a rodeo!

- guys cutting the grass!

Seriously. You aren't a cowboy. You're not inviting anyone over for tea and cake, and I'm not really interested in your gardening skills. And hey - that picture with your woman friend? Totally the wrong move. Did you ask her if you could use her picture in your grindr profile? No? DICK MOVE.

I'm the photos of me surrounded by "my girls".

I’m the 5” shorter height, 2” shorter dick, and 10 years older age than reality.

r294 nailed it

I had a fuck buddy who listed himself as a 5'7 average body average dicked civil servant. In fact he was 5'11", shredded/skinny, PhD director and had a huge perfect cock. I didn't say anything the first couple of times about the different then finally asked and he replied he didn't want size queens and after he decided that, he decided he just wanted to be treated like an average guy. Weirdo!

....

Ornamentals = uncut tinymeat and ALWAYS demand rubbers!

I'm the guy whose profile screams "I am ugly AF and this is the only way I am getting laid" or "I am on a meth binge"

Examples include "Stretch My Throat!" "Use My Hole!" "Taking Raw Loads All Day!" "Best Head In HK"

I am the line "Horny. U?"

I am part of every single conversation.

God, I hate the "I am ugly!" profiles. They're a transparent attempt to get you to say "oh, you aren't ugly! You're gorgeous!"

Nobody says that r301

Nobody says that r301

r302 sure they do. Desperate people who are uglier than the person who think they have a shot because of the guy's low self esteem.

Nobody on Grindr ever tells me I'm attractive, and I'm sorry, I am far from ugly. Sometimes when I show more pics they'll say "ok cool". It's fucking insane how incredibly picky guys are.

The fuggos always have a snapchat filter on their photos so they look less fugly but it usually does not work.

I'm the bottom who can't host.

I’ve been 29 for the past 5 years.

i’m the guy who hasn’t used Grindr in 9 years, wondering what a “tap” is in context. A throwback to the bathroom foot-tapping of yore, a simple tap on the shoulder, or a way to say “I’d tap that?”

I'm the grumpy 50something who gave up on this stuff long ago and realizes that things have devolved since the days of the Advocate pink pages. I take small comfort from the fact that I'll be dead by the time the Grindr generation succumbs to the effects of global warming.

I'm the guy who took a break from apps for a month and decided to return. He can tell who all the whores are because every time he does this the same guys try to hook up with him messaging him like they're a stranger.

I’m the blank profile with the ‘NPNC!’

I'm the "no strings attached" guy actually looking for love...

Im the guy that asks for more pics then blocks you..

I’m “orally gifted”. - no recip required

The send face pics I will reply with mine trolls

I'm the totally blank profile that keeps looking at yours over and over without messaging, making you paranoid that some past hookup or ex bf is stalking you or out to get you for some reason.

I'm the person that IMs you calling you by your real name and you have no idea who he or how he knows you.

I am the muscle bottom that pixelates his face in every photo then when he finally sends a face pic he is a 2 at best....

I'm the couple account featuring one insanely hot guy and one so ugly you can't believe they're together.

I’m the ugly guy going along with this in order to keep my hot bf. If we actually hook up with a third guy, I will have an attitude the entire time, but insist everything is “fine”.

I'm the Nasty Pig jockstrap, ball cap, crew socks, or other branded gear. I indicate that my wearer likely engages in unsafe sexual practices and should be avoided.

HOSTING?

R321 are u long beach? Ugly dogs here

I post ass and cock pics on my profile, but I’m not looking for sex, I want platonic friends only.

I'm the top 20th percentile of attractiveness.

You will never see me on this app, but you keep looking, looking, looking...

I'm your student.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi,

Hi.

Hi.

I'm the ugly one in the ugly/beautiful couple looking for a third. I do all the talking and am the dominant one and control the beautiful one. Imagine that.

DELETING SOON

I am the lap dog not closed into another room.

I am the smiling alcoholic who answers the door. I have advertised 10 inches. I am wearing old, unstylish synthetic sweat pants and it looks like truth in advertising. I'm smoking a menthol cigarette.

I am a can of cold coca-cola offered to you. You have been waiting on the cream leather sofa circa 2000, watching one of Cher's earliest Farewell Tour DVDs playing on a very large, but similar vintage flat-screen TV. The coca-cola tastes good. The host is friendly and doesn't seem in a rush for sex.

I'm "don't hit me up if you've never been inside of a gym."

I'm also "there's no gym for your face."

I'm "Say hi, I don't bite, well not hard anyway! LOL"

R335 I hate the other version even more: "I don’t bite - unless you ask."

I’m your student, messaging to apologise for having missed your class.

I’m also the second message sent a few minutes later, apologising for having sent the first one and acknowledging that a Grindr message is not an appropriate way to send an apology for having missed your class, while also stressing that my sender is very drunk.

I’m r43, the guy who pretends he’s busy and only looking for “next week sometime” so he can string you along for hours and hours, until Zac Efron logs on around his neighborhood.

I'm the what up buddy bro dude bro buddy guy who's just chillin. I've never hooked up with anyone on this app.

I'm the 5'3 latino of questionable age that has sent pics to EVERYONE on the app.. twice

R340 over in this area it’s the 5’3 gaysian who has sent their nasty unbleached hole photos to everyone that is a top or vers!!

I'm just in town for a few days, looking for someone to show me around!

I'm the "54 yo" "xxl hung" who is 65. Looking for 30-49.

I'm the pic collector who tells you how hot you are and then asks for dick pics. When you respond "you first" I send you two fakes. Once you send me yours I disappear.

I'm the profile whose headline is READ THIS FIRST!!!! followed by a long list of demands.

Although the guy in the photo is at least an 8, no one ever responds.

I'm the guy waiting in the darkened room, ass up in the air, door unlocked.

I just want you to sneak in and fuck me.

Ugly guys are all over me.

Win win, R346

I’m ‘white only, no locals’.

LOL R347.

I'm a fat hairy guy.

My profile name has some sort of play on the word "bear" and I've included paw print emojis and the words "Woof!" and "Grrrrrr" are liberally sprinkled throughout my profile.

I am a DL sex symbol

Im black thug dat wants to chill. You head over to his house and are horrified at what you see when you open the door. Mattresses on the floor that smell like piss. Children’s toys in the back room. Open cans of tang and red soda everywhere and bags of McDonald’s in the corner. Oh and his EBT card.

I'm the guy who's going to kill himself if you reject him. I don't come right out and say it, but somehow, you know.

I'm the 9/10 muscle bear. All of my photos are of me at circuit events surrounded by guys who look just like me.

[quote] 9/10 muscle bear

I'm an oxymoron

R351 never happened.

9/10 musclebear

Fat hairy guy with a beard

Looks smelly. R356.

R355 Unfortunately it did.

I'm the guy who won't show pics and is very secretive....he turns out to be old and fat but RICH (worth about $700 million). This one happened to me.

Did you make a play for him? I would have.

I'm the 'pic collector' who has somehow never heard that there's porn on the internet...

I'm the vaguest of non-committal plans to meet up again...my average lifespan is a few weeks.

"Looking for guys to have a great time. I am married to the best guy ever!"

R364 I see variations of that line all the time. It makes me shudder!

I'm 'Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm' - the most annoying response to anything other than '?'.

I'm the inane 'conversation' started by someone who wants to cut to the 'let's fuck' message but feel the need to add some social niceties first.

A: "Hi. How are you?"

B: "I'm fine how are you?"

A: "Good how are you?"

B: "I'm still fine - no change in the last 5 seconds"

I can't STAND the "how are you" conversation change. I'm fucking fine! Get to the point!

R367, r368, many guys HATE when you're blunt in what you want, especially if they don't know you at all. They want to have minor chitchat to sense that you're not a fake, a jerk, a weirdo, a murderer, etc.

Also, many of them don't want to come across as desperate whores. Hence, the phrase "come correct" - show some proprietary and decorum before requesting to fuck.

I don't use the hook up apps but it's a drag to see that they make so many people miserable. People should be required to pass some sort of psychology test to ensure that they're mentally healthy before using Grindr and the rest.

Maybe they should teach about sex aps and the psychology and disease risks in HS Health class?

R369 there's much better ways to do that than the standard "hi, how are you".

R372, please give some examples. I believe most people don't even know how to go about that in any other way.

I also think Americans are raised to be polite when speaking about/requesting sex (I believe Europeans are more direct).

r373 they could start with telling me what they find attractive about me. They could start with a funny anecdote about their day. They could tell me something interesting about themselves. They could say "Hey! I think you're super hot, and I'd love to be under your thrusting pelvis." They can do all of that without trying too hard.

The sex-related conversation openers can be saved for later in an app like Scruff, which is less about instant hookups than Grindr is. For Scruff, I'd look at something in their profile and comment on that, or look at their pictures and comment on a necklace, or a background, or any of the other non-sex conversation topics above.

They could say almost anything other than asking "how are you" or "what are you up to", which basically means "I want to talk to you, but I don't care enough to invest in any conversation. You come up with it, if you think I'm hot".

R374, thanks.

whatsup?

I'm the ghosts of Dean Corll, Randy Kraft, William Bonin, John Wayne Gacy, and Jeffrey Dahmer, reminding everyone to play safe.

r377 amateurs.

Im the bottom slut that starts off a conversion by sending my location and then a butthole

I'm the North African, French and German dudes who want to arrange by app, dates to fuck en plein air, les lieux insolites, still, in 2019. Meks, that's what anonymous cruising grounds were for in the first place.

I'm the introvert. Apps are my only interaction with other gay people.

My username includes the acronym of the university I attended. Even though it's been more than 20 years since I graduated. My username also includes the word "boy", even though there's no possibility of mistaking my age as being under 40.

Apparently you can be a “son” at any age now even if your “daddy” is 20 plus years younger 😒

R380 wtf are you saying?

Sir, can I please have some sex?

My username includes “boi” even though I’m in my early 40s

I am the two tops that are married and very in love but have tons of dick pics available.

I'm the medium-looking guy who scores way above my level cause I'm a top with a big cock (this is actually me).

[Quote]I'm the medium-looking guy who scores way above my level cause I'm a top with a big cock (this is actually me).

R388 Are you in New York, and do you fuck black guys?

I’m the Grndr queen walking around the office building trying to locate you using the app so they can check you our before chatting you.

*out

I'm the C-list actor or reality show star who is incognito

We received a whatsapp from a scorching hot uncut Hungarian sizemeat we have 'known' for more than 6 years..

he wants to know when we will return to Barcelona,...... so it looks like we will be enjoying him next week and NO rubbers!

I’m the biological female on scruff and grindr trying to hook up with men. seriously. What the last actual fuck.

I also report men who reject me because THAT’S WRONG.

I’m the member who describes himself wirh clichés such as “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as jeans” or when filling out the section entitled What I’m Lookig For writes “my keys” or “my phone”. Originality and humor awards should be given.

I’m the hot personal trainer with 6% body fat and abs for days. i post only a single pic even though the app allows multiple public pics. My profile instructs you not to ask for more pics but instead directs you to my linked instagram. This is mostly an attempt to get you to follow me there and increase my earning power with nutritional supplement sponsored posts. All my friends are white, have similar unrealistic bodies, and travel wirh me to Fire Island Pines and Mykonos (obligatory Jackie O Beach sign pic included).

I’m discreet or discrete. Depends on who you ask.

I wanna parTy real bad.....let's have a nICE time together. u n me, up in the CLOUDZ.

Im the profile the bot programmer in India set up with some serious flaws. While my picture is of a hot guy, the image may appear somewhat blurry or distorted but nonetheless I’m too hot to be truly hitting you up for sex. My profile lists my height as 1’ so it may be possible that my Punjabi speaking programmer thought this field was supposed to be cock length.

The guy that ‘ just wants to suck’

I'm a single top gay looking for the love of my life and I'm looking for my soulmate with a gay many who would like to love me and care for me always. And trust and honestly and loving and caring and value gay trust. I love sex and work as a model. I am from the Texas but I am currently stationed overseas in the United State of American Army. I am not on here always so please email me iamnotaNigerianbot@gaymail.com.

Need you to obtain a safe ID from a website before I can give you my address

Oh, god, that SafeId shit. Hahahaha.

R401 I am Willing to give 400 a week allowance to a boy that will Be loyal and trustworthy.

I'm the word 'fun' used as a euphemism for 'sex.' If guys really had any balls, they would say what they actually want, rather than try to hide behind something more innocent-sounding.

Im the guy who lives ‘around the corner’ yet happens to look like a 90s russian wigga.

I'm the guy who gets messaged by a million different guys in New Jersey but can never find one decent guy to hook up with who lives right in my own neighborhood here in the city.

Move to New Jersey?

R407 It’s the same way in DC. Not one motherfucker will talk to you. Absolutely the most snobby stuck up loafer wearing political assholes in the world. Drive towards Fredericksburg and Richmond and your phone will fucking light up like the goddamn Capital Christmas tree.

I'm the 25-year-old LA native who can never host...because I live in a hostel.

R409 it’s because you are new and those whores want new dick...

Wow, imagine being a D.C. 6 like R409...

Do you DC guys ever get messages from closeted GOP types?

R413 Shut your dirty whore of satan mouth!

It’s DC. You expect *most* of the guys who message you on the apps are closeted.

Does an American flag lapel pin in DC mean anything? Cum dump freedom bottom?

It’s amazing what you see when you walk into someone’s apartment in DC. Books from Law school, law degrees, multiple pairs of loafers, bowties, the American flag , Ralph Lauren sheets, A paycheck stub from Booz Allen, Craft beer, Hand me down antiques.... If all of this repulses you… My advice is just to tell the guy you don’t vote and he’ll kick you out. All nerds!

“Looking for reason to delete” Maybe if you took off… Loves Disneyland you’d meet someone.

I’m the guy you actually know - but whose profile description sounds nothing like him in real life.

lmao R390, I did that when I used to work in NYC, never found the person though. Which is good, because WTF would I have said when I did?

Oh, right, I'm supposed to be something. I'm the inevitable crushing feeling of disappointment and self-hatred that results from using the app.

I’m Squirt.

Gay guys snub me to their friends. Yet, they post obscure profiles with their cock and/or ass shots here. They get more action here than anywhere else.

Squirt? OMG. I haven't heard about that site in ages. I had a profile there years and years ago and used to still get emails from it but then, about 2 or 3 years ago, they just stopped.

By the way, does anyone else here remember Cruisetool? That was another one that came and went fast (no pun intended).

Breaking character because two-thirds of the other posters in the thread are:

Squirt is primarily men in their 70s.

[bold]70s[/bold]

R423 That's ridiculous. They're all in the 30s. Why, just look at those profiles! Obviously, they're all in black and white but there's good reasons for that. Or even the Kodachrome scans. Just because the shirts all have B52 collars and "WIN" or "CARTER" buttons could be totally ironic.

I'm the unattached 59-year-old gay man who looks 59, has never once tried any of the "dating" apps, and is now more convinced than ever that to do so would be utter folly.

No really, that's actually me.

I'm the married/partnered guy who leaves his relationship status blank because I've been turned down by too many guys who know better. I think I'm clever but I'm one of the most predictable types on the apps.

My profile is very descriptive and funny. I took the time to come up with interesting quotes and funny stories about myself. The only thing that’s missing is my fucking race/ethnicity. Thats totally and completely deliberate.

Im the pushy asshole Latino- Who wont take no for an answer. I keep sending you pictures of my nasty uncut dick expecting that you’ll say something.

I'm the married guy who cannot be on prep, as I'm happily and monogamously married and my husband would be suspicious if I had prep. So it's very important that YOU are on prep as you are my herd immunity.

I’m the guy counting on you being on prep because I’m happily and monogamously married and can’t have prep at my house.

Can I see your pill bottles before you blow your load in me?

I’m the closet case who won’t post pics nor share them privately. Yet, I demand to see your pics before we meet.

I'm the (sometimes hot!) guys 4000 miles away begging me to fuck them while no one in my fucking neighborhood will even talk to me.

I'm the mirror in the topless selfie shot.

Yes, I really should have been cleaned before he took that photo shouldn't I?

I'm another mirror shot - I'm one with a flash that obscures my owner's face. There's nothing odd about this, he's definitely a 9. Maybe an 8.

I'm eight overexposed close up photos of a man's not particularly attractive anus from a blank profile ten miles away that arrive without any further communication.

I'm the threat to block you if you cross any of the 112 boundaries I've stated in my profile. Apparently I think that not being to see the profile creator is a fate worse than death.

Those lists of demands are SO tedious.

I'm the really, really hot guy who's anxiously messaging you - from a newly created profile.

Are you suspicious? Oh why? I assure you I'm TOTALLY LEGIT.

I'm the freaking out the "hot guy" does when you ask him to Snapchat so you can see that he's real. WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE SUCH WEIRD REQUESTS HAHAHAHAHAHA

I am the guy that needs to see social media otherwise hard pass.

I am the guy that does not list a sexual position because I am embarassed to admit I am a bottom.

I'm the guy who says "Don't even think about hitting me up without a face pic" who then hits you up without a face pic.

I'm the 400 filters on the photo of the Gen Z'er, giving him bigger eyes, smoother skin, and a halo of hearts, complemented by duck lips and the latest hot pose from Instagram. Aren't I beautiful?????

Best message I ever received was today - "Hi how are you doing? I'm a bottom looking to have fun. I'm looking to suck you, I'm looking to eat your ass, I'm looking to get fucked mild to wild and kissing.

But I'm in the hospital."

I'm the list of cities that I'll be visiting over the next 6 months. Why do you need to know that I'll be in Mexico City, Sitges, Amsterdam, London, NYC, Ptown, Los Angeles, and Miami? No reason, I promise that it has nothing to do with my being a sex worker.

I'm all the euphemisms for "fat"

Rugby player build

Football player build

Solid

Bear

Cub

Sports build

And that knowledge that at 2AM the fat ones always gave the best head because of the oral fixation thing, didn't want any reciprocation and were just thrilled they were getting to hook up.

Don't call me out Bink.

I am the 250+ pound bottom that lists big bubble 🍑 in their profile instead of just big ALL OVER!

I'm the always-green status indicator of the guy you've been dating for two months. He says he only pops on the app to chat with friends or to see how far away you are (because he misses you!), but you weren't born yesterday.

R449 He is a dumbass any smart whore knows you block the guy and tell him you deleted your account...so he hinks he’s the only one.

R448 to be fair, you can be super fat and still have a flat ass. It's just longer and floppier. Bubble butt is a specific round ass.

[quote]I'm the guy who says "Don't even think about hitting me up without a face pic" who then hits you up without a face pic.

And I'm the guy who says "Don't even think about hitting me up without a face pic" who actually *does* have a face pic, is hot, and never hits you up. I am LEGION.

I'm the INTJ PhD engineering student training for my first bodybuilding competition. I am 100% sure that I'm better than everyone else on here. Feel free to message me but I won't reply because I'm either in the gym or studying. I'm so busy!

I'm the guy with a baseball cap on in every photo. You take a chance and meet me and only once the action starts do I remove the hat to reveal...

..bald. Heh.

I'm the link to the private Instagram. I'm pointless.

He's the guy who is at least 15 years older than his pictures. You realize this when he opens the door. You sleep with him because he looks better in person than he did 15 years ago. The sad part is the ageism in the gay community has made him question his looks.

What about these hideous goblins with one eye that are always on there. Do they actually get laid?

I am not making fun of them but I really wonder if they get a lot of action?

R457 No you slept with him because you have a daddy fetish

I'm 'I'll fill this in later'...the first of many, many lies.

I'm new to this app. Just checking things out.

R459 That's the secret of my success, actuallyl

I'm a message warning time-wasters to keep away.

Because obviously if you don't mention this people are free to waste your time. You've got to warn them first.

I'm also about 0.1% effective.

I'm the admonishment: "If you message me, be interesting"

I'm the statement: Does anybody read these lol?

Im the guy that took a break from grindr for 2 years. I immediately cancel it when I realize the same faces from years ago are staring back at me in desperation:,

Before these apps you knew there were crazy people out there but had no idea HOW MANY

And strangely R466 they're all still using exactly the same photos.

I'm the smoker who can't fucking read and keep messaging guys whose profiles say "non-smokers only."

Sup.

Sup.

Sup.

*sends five unsolicited butthole photos*

I'm the weird oiled and sculpted moustaches.

Hey

R473 All of these unsolicited pictures are from Latinos

Whatever do you mean, r474??

Hooking up in bars was so much more exciting, fun and simple. I can't believe gays changed that for this monumental pile of bullshit that is Grindr.

"Horny?"

I’m the guys who just get off on stringing guys along and fantasize about hooking up—but instead end up jacking off to porn and ghosting the guys I’ve been talking to all night. I represent at least a third of guys on Grndr.

I'm the 50-year-old cop with dad bod and a panty fetish. Looking for other regular guys to fuck my pussy.

R476 Ugly latin men have no shame.

I'm the imaginary line that you can go to the front of IF you meet very specific, and I do mean specific, criteria.

I’m the sound of 6 to 10 pictures coming in all at once. It’s 100% guaranteed it’s from an Asian or Latino. The Latinos pictures will be of his butt. The Asians will be his torso.

I'm the 50 something guy who has 4 or 5 photographs on my profile. They're all taken with my webcam as I sit in the semi-darkness, showing off my chins, nostrils and glasses with my head at slightly different angles.

I don't know why I don't get any attention!

R484 Just happened today. That was eerily precise.

R486 In Southern California it happens 10 times a day lol.

We're the Asian guys over 200 lbs who are within 150 mi radius of New York City; we could fit into an elevator.

We're the trannies within 150 miles of New York City; even though we're less than one-half percent of the general population, we wouldn't be able to fit in the Empire State building.

R488 it took me a few tries to read that to get what you were saying.

Were the 63-year-old man that only goes for guys under 25.

I'm the guy that looks like he's completely out of your league that messages you. He sends picture after picture of himself starting with his face, then his face and torso, then a bit more. In the end after he sends you a picture that is completely zoomed out so you can see his whole body, you realize that he's missing a leg.

I hated when a no face profile chats with you even though he knows you dont chat without a face pic. His profile reads nice but Then after tooth and nail finally sends you his pic, he's a fat fug.

“its a recent picture but ive put on a few pounds!”

"Most of my pictures are old, here's me right now!"

I'm looking for something real and would prefer to get to know you first before I send my pic.

Whats your phone #? .. They type this before even saying hello

I'm the guy who says "No hookups but please send me your dick pics."

U like spice? U like rice? What does a white guy say?

You like white bread?

R488 Americans think it's normal to weigh over 200 lbs. It isn't. No one should weigh over 200 lbs. Not even bodybuilders.

I'm the "recently created" profile with the suspiciously professional profile picture.

R500 you're joking, right? A 6'4" man with some muscle can easily weigh 240 lbs.

Pic of R500

"Sorry in advance if I can't answer your message. I'm very picky and very busy."

[quote]U like spice? U like rice? What does a white guy say?

....Is it "no"?

Many thanks for all of the kind messages. If I don't answer, I'm just not interested.

I’m the five years of your life you wasted fishing for hookups with indecisive non-committing randos who chat you when they remember that they were kind of horny after their last coffee break at their dead-end job.

Apps are the social equivalent of scratch tickets—even if you win, it’s usually only 5 bucks. Isn’t your time and dignity worth more?

R507 Probably one of the best things I’ve ever read on this site… and so fucking true

Oh please, it wasn't that great, r508. You must be new here if that's the best thing you've read.

Well that interesting my chats dont seem to work. So go ahead and text me to 565-567-8888 yadda yadda yada

I'm the message from a blank profile with just 'Hey' and my location.

I am NOT mad. This is totally normal. Doesn't everyone behave like this?

You better look like your photo or you are buying me drinks until you do and I don’t bite unless you want me to...

Being a good "Netizen" by reviving an old thread rather than starting a new one.

Friend was bitching about this at lunch and it reminded me of a unique variant of catfishing: The Guy Who Will Never Actually Meet You But Keeps Trying To Make Plans To Meet

Like the first time he says he's on his way over and then 30 minutes later texts you and says sorry, something came up and you figure he got a better offer ... only then the next day there he is asking if you can come by his place now, and then flakes before he gives you the address and then there's a message from him that night saying the app crashed on him, how about tomorrow morning at 11, only he's not online at 11, at which point you're like okay, three strike rule.

And I'd say 90% of them were no-face/discreet types. Which I'm guessing meant that they either intended to meet and then got cold feet, or that they got off on the idea of meeting someone for a quick hookup and would jerk off thinking about it. And some were just sociopaths.

Either way, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore, but it was pretty common.

R496 The phone number request is a scam. In the worst case scenario, they're looking to steal account credentials which may have been associated with your android or iphone. They can use that to try to trigger a reset, get the password and then get any credit cards associated with you account.

Use a google voice number for these apps if you're not a total nerd who has set up two factor authentication. Even if you are the biggest nerd on the block, still use Google Voice for the apps.

I'm the guy who'll be there at 10pm, then texts you at 10:05 to let you know I just got out of the shower.

I’m the guy that pesters you to come over right away and then texts you when you are on your way to cancel with some lame excuse.

Yeah - either you came watching porn or you got a better offer.

Im the 100th latino in 3 days texting a pic of his butthole.