Dealing with Debbie Downers

Periodically, I've been accused of being a downer because I don't get all excited and blow sunshine up people's butts and point out issues or concerns.

Sometimes good news isn't all that good and is rife with problems that should be addressed before they get out of hand.

I supposed I could pick a more opportune time and let the other person bask in the moment. But, when the other person has a track record of making really bad decisions without considering the consequences, shouldn't you say something, even if it's a buzzkill?

r1 is fun at parties.

I just sit there in silence and let the rudeness float in the air. Debbie will hopefully pick up on the dead weight and change her tune.

....

[quote][R1] is fun at parties.

If it's someone I don't give a crap about, I laugh to myself and congratulate the person on his good fortune.

I don't really care if someone I barely know is about to do something incredibly stupid and screw up their lives, like take a job at a company that is about to go under or move across country to be with "the love of his life" that they have only texted on grindr, but never met in-person.

For those folks, I get excited and tell them how great it sounds.

I know this may sound crazy, but sometimes Debbie Downers can help to prevent someone to fly too close to the sun. It's one thing to celebrate good news, it's another to use these good news, victory, to get too cocky and reckless. Just approach your next challenge with a clear mind instead of still flying high from the previous good experience.

Also, Feline A.I.D.S is the number one killer of domestic cats, FYI

One of my exes was a Debbie Downer. It wasn't unusual for him to whinge from the moment he woke up in the morning to the moment he fell asleep at night. Then, after making me feel appropriately miserable thanks to his hours of nonstop bitching and moaning (he knew I was bipolar and so constant negativity was bad for me) he'd turn around and accuse ME of putting negative energy out there and bringing HIM down!

We got into way too many near car accidents because he'd be too busy ranting and raving about something or other to pay attention to the road. His reactions to things were completely over-the-top and ridiculous. I'd usually try to ignore him and hope he'd eventually wear himself out like a tantruming toddler but sometimes I'd snap and just tell him he was acting and screaming like a mental patient. Like you, I'd have some good news to excitedly share and he'd just shit all over it.

There's only one thing you can do, OP. Remove the Debbie Downer from your life. It's not good for anyone's mental health to be subjected to relentless negativity. Life is hard enough.

^ By the way... it’s official...

I have psoriatic arthritis.

Negative people will always complain and try to drag everyone around them into their pit of misery. Avoid them or cut them out of your life, so that their misery can seek other company. They will hate you for refusing to let them coat you in their bitching and bleak outlook but fuck them, you'll be happier and more productive not having to deal with their bullshit.

Gays only want to hear good news. Life is an Instagram post where everyone has rock hard abs and is lounging on the beach on Fire Island. "Save the drama for your mama" is how most gays interact with each other. Just pointing out a less-than-pleasant fact can be interpreted as being a Debbie Downer.

The OP should stick to his own kind and let Debbie Downer join the rest of us in the real world.

[quote]^ By the way... it’s official...

[quote]—I can’t have children

What a strange "insult" to post in response to a comment on a gay message board, R9.

Do you have anything to actually contribute to any thread today or are you just going to continue to make juvenile and nonsensical remarks in response to anyone who bothers to stay on topic?

My mother is one. I love her but this woman can find absolutely anything to complain about in every situation and, if she can't, she'll bring up someone else's complaint or problems. it's exhausting.

The problem is, people who go on about other people being Debbie Downers are often the ones driving the bus towards a cliff, when you are one of the passengers. 'It'll be fine; don't be such a ….splat'.

Sometimes they may not be aware that they are so negative. One of my friends told me that I always had something bad to say about everything. I was taken aback, but it made me take a look at myself. I’m much more positive overall.

[quote]What a strange "insult" to post in response to a comment on a gay message board, [R9].

🙄

R13, you fucking idiot, they're quoting the Rachel Dratch character from SNL.

Not everyone watching SNL, dear. As evidenced by their ratings. But keep throwing out obscure outdated references most people around the world aren't aware of if that's what it takes for you to feel superior.

R8/R13 doesn’t have it right anyway. A whiner is not really a Debbie Downer. DDs are not exactly complainers so much as traders in tragedy. They further negativity and misery. They’re the ones who always point out the downside to whatever you’re happy about at the moment. It might sound like complaining but they’re often just stating facts without judgement. The “downer” is all in the context. Clueless, un-self-aware R1 is a good example.

R19, it is literally the title and topic of the thread.

You’re quite tiresome in your stupidity.

I can’t stand Pollyannas, the flip side of Debbie-downers. And delusional people are annoying, too. I don’t appreciate friends who are supportive of some half-assed idea I come up with, if I later find that they really thought it was stupid but were too gutless to tell me so. Friends owe their friends their honesty. There’s an art to being diplomatic, of course, but it’s not being “supportive” to encourage someone to do something that you think is stupid.

Yes, what r20 said.

This isn't what happened, and it's extreme, but for example:

Person A: I'm getting married!

Debbie Downer: You know 40% of marriages end in divorce.

Is Bubbles McGee the same person as Sausages McGee, aka ayb?

Oh Bubbles, I still love you.

[quote]Is Bubbles McGee the same person as Sausages McGee, aka ayb?

You can ask me the same question another thousand times and I'm still not going to give you the answer you want because, surprise, I'm not whoever it is you're obsessed about. Unfortunately DL seems to have wiped everyone's ignored lists so I'm stuck seeing your idiotic posts as you follow me around like a stray dog as usual.

Whoa.

Here’s the flip side:

Person A: I'm getting married!

Pollyanna: I’m so happy for you! You know, a lot of people learn good skills in prison.

R14 Your mom sounds like this lady.

You call them out on it OP.

You look at them and say "why would you say that? Did it make you feel bad about something in your own life?"

And there's a time and place to bring up caution, but it's never at the time the person delivers what they consider to be good news. If the R1s of the world are that concerned, call them later and express your concerns so it sounds rational, not like a kneejerk reaction to their news.

OP you must SHRIEK "You HATEFUL FUCKING BITCH!!" and STORM out of the room, flouncing angrily so he knows how offended you are!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

I just make the sad trombone noise (“wah wah”). Puts them in their place.

I'd rather have a Debbie Downer in my life than a Naive Nancy, blithely forging ahead on relentless and unrealistic positivity.

[quote]I'm stuck seeing your idiotic posts as you follow me around like a stray dog as usual.

Why anonymous is best.

R31, but we’ll all meet again in Heaven! I’m looking forward to it, because ever since we lost my woman, Rosie, to the cancer, we haven’t been able to find someone who really knows how to clean a bathroom.

Easy peasy OP.

First get a tugboat....

[quote]I'm stuck seeing your idiotic posts as you follow me around like a stray dog as usual.

Post anonymously. Problem solved. Of course, that's not what you want.

And, it’s a tie! I have spoken! No appeals! The bickering can stop now. Thank you.

While we're on the subject of the horrors of war, and humanity's most poisonous and least charitable attributes, let me not forget to mention Barbara Bush (that would be former First Lady and presidential mother as opposed to W's liquor-swilling, Girl Gone Wild, human ashtray of a daughter. I'm sorry, that's not fair. I've no idea if she smokes.) When the administration censored images of the flag-draped coffins of the young men and women being killed in Iraq - purportedly to respect "the privacy of the families" and not to minimize and cover up the true nature and consequences of the war - the family matriarch expressed her support for what was ultimately her son's decision by saying on Good Morning America on March 18, 2003, "Why should we hear about body bags and deaths? I mean it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"

My mother was notorious for this. Take her to a concert, a sibling asks about the show and her response is to moan about the cost of parking, walk from the parking lot, price of beer, amount of foam in the beer, seat comfort, leg room (and she was 5' 100 pounds). Sibling says it's unfortunate that she didn't enjoy it. "Oh no. It was a great concert."

In another vein, maybe more along the lines of what the OP had in mind, I commented to a colleague that I'd won a voucher for dinner for 2 at The Ivy in Dubai (I lived there). She said, "It won't be as good as the one in London."

Similarly, I'd always thought it would be fun to have one personalized license plate in my life, got one that wasn't 100% obvious, made reference to the fact that the car itself, a police model Crown Victoria, had something of a cult following. I mentioned this to someone who's since become an ex-friend -- because his attitude was endlessly shitty -- and he said with a disparaging tone, "Nobody will understand that."

PS: How do you deal with them? No loss in bringing it to their attention because maybe they don't realize it, grew up with that as the norm. With people who have and keep that approach as the default setting, et 'em out of your life if possible. What a fuckin' relief to be rid of those shitheads.

I had a friend who had a crush on this gorgeous straight guy we worked with. He was a tall light skinned Black guy with either blue or green eyes. We argued about his eye color, but it seemed really important to him. At one point, he started insisting that he was Gay, and I couldn’t participate in that conversation, because it was delusional. “John, he just got married (to a women); he’s a merchant marine and an engineer with no Gay “tells” at all, I don’t think he’s Gay.” John begged me to just [italic] say [/italic] that he was Gay, but that seemed to be twisted and not healthy to do so. Besides, by then, the guy had moved across country, and my opinion was just as valid as his. The conversation was just fantasy, not at all real. We weren’t friends for long after that. It just struck me as a weird reason to end a friendship and probably for the best in any case.

R42: most of the time, the Debbies that I know include some judging in their comment, so that’s easy to deal with. You just say “Well, there’s no reason to judge it.”, or similar. There’s a stigma in US culture against being judgmental, so that usually works.

There is also, “I wasn't talking to you.” for buttinskies.

And, “I was not inviting a conversation.”. I credit Meryl’s character in [italic] Doubt [/italic] for that zinger. Though I usually am inviting a conversation, so it’s not often useful.

Don’t expect to make a lot of friends this way, lol.

Debbie downer is a part of our culture and referenced a lot.

R46 We may know that, but someone from Russia probably doesn’t.

The Debbie Downers have to be cut out of your life. Critical nitpicking bitches who has time for that?.One former associate came to my house party complaining about my patio plants. Thought he was being clever as the garden critic. Broke bastard doesn’t have a window to throw his pot of pee out of.

Another idiot Debbie Downer came to a different party sat in the living room and tried to interrogate as he criticized the decor with “helpful” tips, drinking my good wine all the while. Of course I immediately cut both off, one protested.

[quote] There’s a stigma in US culture against being judgmental, so that usually works

Is there? Cause I find Americans to be the most judgy judgers and blunt people in the world. Maybe second to Germans.

Maybe there are just a lot of things to find at fault with you, R49.

I am standard American homosexual from Heartland, USA! But I don't know basic cultural references from past 15 years. How many times must I explain to you these facts? No one watches sketch comedy television program you speak of! It sharked the jump long ago!

Love me long time, r51!

R51 ‘...sharked the jump..’? Oh heavens.

R47 thinks there are only two countries in the world - America and Russia.

Punch and delete. Seriously.

There is a difference between

A: I'm getting married

B: Wait, what? When did you get back together? Didn't you just break up because he was cheating on you with several people and stole money and your computer to sell for drugs to party with his tricks?

And

A: I'm getting married.

B: It'll never work. Most marriages end in divorce.

Seems like you'd want people to tell you when you're about to do something incredibly stupid.

Avoid them and cut them from your life. I'm in academia, and there are quite a few Debbie and Danny Downers, who like to cut down their colleagues and students. They try to bring you down with them, and they stab you in the back. A few years ago, I arranged for a well-known academic to give a talk at my university to undergraduates. It was a chance to show the students what academics do in there research and to raise the intellectual curiosity and awareness of the students. One supposed friend complained to the chair of my department that I brought in someone far above the students' understanding. The chairman disagreed. The same colleague also constantly complains about certain colleagues. I've learned to avoid her.

You may not be able to avoid relatives who are downers. Take the Dr. Joy Browne advice, "Be stupid and cheerful." If the person's critical of you, rather than react negatively, turn it around on them..."Oh thanks. It's helpful to get some feedback." Put the onus of the work on them. Have to deal with Uncle Dan Downer at Thanksgiving? Go in knowing he'll probably say something negative, so remain "stupid and cheerful."

Yes, r24.

R57, it is hard, because it is difficult, and taxing, to try to anticipate all the possible negative things they might come up with.

Am I being a downer? Oh my!

Would more than one of them be Debbie Downers or Downers Debbie?

Debbie's Downers

r29: Not quite. It's not obvious when you first meet her, but if you develop a familiarity with her, she'll start to show it and show it more frequently the closer the relationship is. She sees nothing wrong with interrupting me to share something incredibly negative or bring up a negative non-sequitur out of nowhere if I appear happy. Since I brought to her attention how negative she is, she'll misrepresent whatever negativity she's about to tell me as something funny or interesting so my guard is down, then say something negative and react normally while I sit in shock. I love her, but this compulsion of her's is disturbing.

[quote] I commented to a colleague that I'd won a voucher for dinner for 2 at The Ivy in Dubai (I lived there). She said, "It won't be as good as the one in London." ... Similarly, I'd always thought it would be fun to have one personalized license plate in my life, got one that wasn't 100% obvious, made reference to the fact that the car itself, a police model Crown Victoria, had something of a cult following. I mentioned this to someone who's since become an ex-friend -- because his attitude was endlessly shitty -- and he said with a disparaging tone, "Nobody will understand that."

R41 , it would be interesting to hear about Dubai, maybe on another thread. Although I wouldn't want to drive one, I like the police Crown Vic as well. If it's not too revealing, what did your personalized license plate say?

R50 is a classic Debbie downer comment

People like that are really just selfish, jealous and petty. Not only can they not be genuinely happy for people, they are so jealous of the good fortune/happy news/positivity of others that they must immediately distract from that with something negative that will earn them some brief attention. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. The best thing to do is to COMPLETELY ignore them, as if they don't even exist.

100% correct, R65

My English mother-in-law was a very nice lady, but could only see the negative side of everything. One Christmas, my wife and I completely knocked ourselves out arranging for the annual day-long festivities at our house. Everyone enjoyed themselves and a good time was had by all. As the guests were departing, my MIL turned to us and said, "well, thank you anyway." We now use this line routinely ourselves, just because it's so off the wall.

How very passive-aggressive R67.

Is the woman pictured in the OP an actual character named Debbie Downer?

R69, Yes. Played by Rachel Dratch.

Thank you, R70.

And this Raykel? Ray-chul? Rachel, how-you-say? DRATCH? She is famous big American star? American homosexual icon, like Cher? Yes?

Monday evening, a friend called and left a message on my answering machine that he knew that Tuesday would be a difficult day for me, since it was the anniversary of my Dad's death. I didn't remember that: I don't keep track of things like that. Who keeps track of deaths in other people's families? So, I kept thinking of my Dad and feeling miserable all day yesterday. Some people seem to propagate misery.

Wow R73. You win the thread without a doubt. That's just creepy, disguised as concern.

You ask, "are you okay? I'm concerned about your depression. Have you thought of seeing a therapist?"

That's... really something, R73. It's not creepy that he remembers (it could be touching in a different story), but he should have just left a regular message and asked how you were doing generally.