Gay men over 30: at what age did you notice you became invisible? And how did you respond to it?

37?? It's very disheartening. It feels hopeless now. When you can't get attention from even fuglies at a sauna you know you're past it hun.

I'm 47 and have just started accepting my "daddy" status. I'm married and don't really care but there are young guys all over me now. Much more than when I was in my 20s or even 30s. Maybe not giving a fuck is the answer to not being invisible.

Like r2, the interested have shifted from men my age and up (my preference) to 19-23 (surely looking for sugar where there ain't none). Oh well, time to focus on my career!

Oh yeah, the shift began around age 42

At 60, ok shape, I look a wee younger but no one mistakes me for 30 or even 40. I’ve had offers. Sex was good but no longer looking for a long term. I’m happy and only generally invisible. Sometimes things happen and I’m glad for that.

I have never wanted to stand out, so invisible totally works for me. I don't know that I ever noticed a point where I stopped being noticed.

For some reason very small children seem to be drawn towards me, it has been a few years since I have been around children but in stores very small children will look at me with a look of bewilderment, like I have a unicorn horn growing out of my forehead or something. They just don't seem to be able to stop looking in my direction, which totally creeps me out. Wish I was invisible to them.

It becomes a question of who can see you and who can’t.

It starts to decline around age 30. One becomes fully invisible by age 50.

When I stopped looking in the mirror.

And yet DL frequently has posts by EGs in their 50s talking about how surprised they are to find themselves much in demand from younger guys looking for "daddy" types and how they are getting more sex at 55 than at 35.

Late bloomers or fibbers?

Which is it EGs?

One of the nice things about being obese is that people can't help but see you. I mean, they're disgusted by your sight but you are still seen.

These posts are so far from my experience....I was never, ever fending off propositions and proposals, even in my youth. And I was fairly good looking. So let's get over that right now.... That, my darling young ones, is a tremendous benefit of age. I used to feel invisible and it made me miserable. Now I'm invisible and couldn't care less.

[quote]in demand from younger guys looking for "daddy" types and how they are getting more sex at 55 than at 35

Well it's one thing to have youngins after you and another to want anything to do with them. I have zero interest in anyone under 40.

I think the most important thing is to notice when you don't care that you're invisible. Then you can concentrate on other things besides getting laid.

I’m 48, and I haven’t become invisible yet, mostly because I work out daily, watch what I eat, and smear moisturizer on my face every night.

It’s kinda depressing when most of my contemporaries in my city have all themselves go. And I really am not attracted to stupid twinks, who hit me up all the time.

I took my father to an eye doctor. The doctor's assistant shook my hand before he left the room and not my father's. He did have a bit of the gay accent. A bit later I was discussing something I bought in Walgreens that was a ripoff. The same gay asian assistant comes running back into the room to join the conversation. I think he was flirting with me. I'm 53 I would say he was about 38.

I'm 39 and it hasn't hit me yet.

I’m 38 and still get told how attractive I am all the time! When I tell people I’m 38, I always get the “OMG I thought you were 28!”. Good genes I guess. My parents didn’t look a day over 30 until well into their 50’s.

I’m short. I was always invisible.

I'm 112 but people think I'm in my 20s, so this doesn't really affect me yet.

Dataloungers never become invisible. Twinks throw themselves at their feet, not realizing the 30-something yo hunk is actually 74. Why would you even ask that question OP?

I turned it around by becoming muscular, you can still get attention in your forties if you have a good, hard body. Not saying they'll all be twenty, but at least you get some attention.

I turned it around by becoming muscular, you can still get attention in your forties if you have a good, hard body. Not saying they'll all be twenty, but at least you get some attention.

Is English is your first language r23?

Not everyone is into the muscle bodies, though. I'm partial to fitfat dadbods.

As a person with social anxiety, it can’t happen fast enough. But because I’m super tall, I still stand out at 52 which I hate. But now I know people aren’t looking at me because I’m GL - it’s only because I’m big.

I have worn glasses most of my life and yet my eyes are probably my most impressive feature (very large, very unusual shade of of blue-green, thick lashes). Since gays don't make passes at boys who wear glasses, I've been invisible and visible in the same day since I was in my late teens (depending on whether I had contact lenses on or not). Now that I'm 60 and have silver hair, younger gay men turn to one another after I pass them on the street and say "did you just feel a little gust of wind?" The main benefit is that I can directly check out guys from head to toe, lingering on every body part, ascertain their religion by circumcision status and yet never get called on it.

The demographic I'm NOT invisible to are middle-aged straight women, who will rush over to me at any public appearance and flirt, and tell me how handsome I am. Mind you, Martians looking through telescopes would be able to see I was gay, so I really don't understand why this happens. (Granted, lots of gay men take better care of themselves than their straight counterparts, watch their weight, pay attention to grooming - but STILL).

This guy loves glasses!

[quote]at what age did you notice you became invisible?

To whom?

R27- I'm 53 and the only time I get flirted with-which is only once in a while-is with woman and usually middle aged. I once left the parking garage of a Whole Foods. I drove to the light down the street. Someone kept honking their horn. I put my window down and this woman who was older than me says I love the color of your car. What kind of car is it? A Camry I told her. The most common car on the road and she finds it unusual. I'd seen her earlier in the store. Still I'm grateful anyone still flirts with me at all.

What about the guys who were ALWAYS invisible. The guys who were NEVER flirted with even when young.

I'm not invisible... Just turned 51 and have had more 30 somethings hit me up than when I was in my 20s-30s. I do not seek them out, as I would prefer older 40s-L8 50s, but I have only turned down a few younger admirers in the last few years, as the attraction was not mutual. Women do flirt more than men in general however. In the past year I have even attracted a 24 and a 27 year-old. I'm fit, a top, give great massage and oral, and despite the DL consensus, find no complaints about being intact. I'm not a sugar daddy either.

24

I was always 20-50lbs overweight as a teen, and well into my mid-30's. I've always felt invisible. Had a health scare where I ended up losing about 60lbs, and I've kept it off for 8 years. I guess I could say I ended up being more visible.

45 was the kiss of death for me. I was semi-invisible before that,but occasionally got hit on because I was pretty good looking when younger and theres still remnants of that showing. Like so many of you,I have middle aged women eyeing me all the time,what the hell is that ?!? I look gay,sound gay,dress gay ! I will say that when I occasionally try out a hook up site,I do get responses. From the aged and infirm and men so repulsive they have got to be kidding.Not one "acceptable" gent,and trust me,my standards arent that high. Its all cool though.Ive always known its part of life and I made sure I got more than my share.I do miss men wanting me though.

I like older men. It wasn't happened for me yet. Men in the 20s or even 30s do nothing for me.

It wasn't the age, it was the weight. I put on about 30 pounds in the space of a year about 6 years ago, and almost overnight became invisible. I noticed it at the time, understood why it was happening, and clearly didn't care about changing course. I have added 30 more pounds since then. There was a time in my life when I was strict about what I ate and I exercised regularly (running and lifting). Now I'm just another late-middle-aged man who needs to eat less and exercise more.

When I was height and weight proportionate I had no problem getting noticed or having fun with guys +/- 10 years of my age, which seems like a reasonable span. But now that I'm heavy it's much harder: these days on the far more rare occasion I do see someone cruise me, etc. they are my age or older and as heavy as I am or heavier. Even my gay friends don't give me real platonic hugs body-to-body anymore, it's all granny hugs and pats on the back.

Fat is the enemy!

If a person has a noticeable bulge looks won't matter in gay world. I'm 39 and probably a 6.9 on a good day in the looks department. But that big bulge of mine is my get-out-of-ugly-jail card.

I live in Silverlake, LA, CA for the most part ageism isn't a thing here.

Don't believe me? For shits and giggles, go to Adam4Adam, do a search with Silverlake, filter men over 30 and you will see how hot these guys are. Filter 40, again, very hot, Filter 50+ again hot.

The best DJ's working in town are all in their late 40's/late '50s. Clubs like Akbar, Eagle, and Faultline are packed with men over 40 who are getting laid with whatever demographic they like. I guess this is one of the benefits of living in a big city, diversity. I'm 56, I hit on whomever I think is cute, if they reject me it's not automatically assumed because of my age but instead, I'm not their type or when they hit on me, it is visa verse, not my type - or not my age group. I love Silverlake, it is unlike any other gay neighborhood in the US, not one is checking one's ID for their age in order to get laid.

For the uninitiated, go to Faultline's Sunday beer bust, if you have a modicum of attractiveness you will get noticed, or at the very least get groped and make some new, albeit it temporary drinking buddy's.

Often DL dissolves into a pity party of aging queens bemoaning their invisibility. But in reality, they don't know that age doesn't matter for most post-twink age men. if you're funny, have good hygiene, semi-fit, and are open to all sorts of men and are willing to stop chasing the twinks, you might find someone to have fun with.

Again, at 56 I am NOT invisible, quite the opposite, I'm quite out there having fun and not worry if I get laid or not. if I get laid that night YAY, if not, such is life. However, I was never invisible and I will never be invisible, I've always counted on my nice, friendly outgoing personality, and my healthy outlook on life and I take care of my body. But I'm not buff or even muscular, but I carry myself well and guys like that.

Final note, it all matters where you live. Small town, limited resources, big cities, the opportunities are endless. So if you think that you are invisible at 30, you are definitely living in the wrong place. Move to a more accepting place. It will make a world of difference.

Depends where you live---I was invisible in my 40s in Atlanta (land of twinks), but got cruised when I visited to Chicago and DC. I moved to DC at age 50 and had plenty of attention until my mid/late 50s. Some of it was the robust Daddy seeking community in DC, something I never thought about/sought out. It found me.

As long as fathers reject their young gay sons and fuck them up emotionally, men over 40 will be in demand.

My experience has been almost identical to R40, but I no longer live in Los Angeles, nor am I single anymore. I have always been told I’m “a type,” which immeasurably helped my social life once I found my tribe.

Out of curiosity, OP, where are you when you say you feel invisible? Pubs, clubs? I’ve always been clueless about being checked out by other guys, so I wouldn’t know the difference between feeling invisible and not.

But then, I was always attracted to older guys, even when I was in my 20s. Now I’m 55 and attracted to other guys in their 50s — you want to talk invisible? They’re all checking out the guys in their 20s!

I'm 57. There's a big difference. My hair used to be black, and I had a cute little butt. Not so much now: I'm grey, and my butt is saggy. I get some attention, but not a lot. There was a Dominican nurse's aide who was young, but was so very sweet and solicitous when I was stuck in a nursing home for a week (broken shoulder). I think some people know I'm gay, and aren't afraid to be themselves around me. And know that I'll be sweet to them.

I'm Asian, and have almost always felt invisible to many gay men. The few exceptions were when I was in my mid-late 20s and was mostly hit on by older white guys.

I'm in my 50s now and don't read as a "daddy" or a twink, so totally invisible.

R45, it"s true that being non-white means being invisible in the gay "community", so some of us are used to it, and didn't have to wait to be over 30 to be totally invisible... which is not as bad as it seems given the state of said "community"...

I got married so i don’t care if I’m invisible 🤷🏼‍♂️

In fact, I feel more visible since were that gay interracial couple everyone remembers

40-45, I guess. I'm pleasant looking and in great shape, but I'm losing my hair on top and don't attract flies. It only hurts when I think about it, thanks.

Bald spots are so hot to me! But all the daddies are chasing the youngins 💁🏼‍♂️

What r14 said, it's kind of a relief really. The relentless demand of your hormones making fucking a priority is gone. I'm surprised at how comfortable I am with that. Now I can just live my life without that drive distracting me from everything else.

I actually like being invisible. I’m 50, have a partner, and have close friends. That’s all I need

I'm thirty and don't feel like I've been visible at any point in my life. But whatever, it's fine. You get used to it. And like r50 said, it's liberating once you're freed from this biological compulsion to copulate. So much more time for other stuff in life.

I’m happy to be ignored by shallow millennial twinks

I wonder who has it worse- An older gay man who has become invisible or an older straight woman who has become invisible?

r48 - if balding is your issue, get on Finasteride ASAP - ask your doctor for the Rx. In 2-5 months you will have a full head of hair again. I'm 56 and have been on it for 15 years and my hair thicker and stronger than ever before.

R55 = A bad pharmaceutical commercial

I'm 51, height weight proportioned. Thinning hair, a bit of grey. Work out but not buff. I've noticed I can get almost any gay Asian man I want (except in their twenties). I had one 45-year-old Asian throw himself at me. I obliged and it was good, really good. I'm dead to everyone else except to Asian men. Not sure why.

Just wait till you're sixty five, bitches.

I was still visible at age 42. Can't say if I'd be invisible now since my husband and I left the gay scene 23 years ago.

I am someone who was ALWAYS invisible. Had a good looking father who I hated so it was very hurtful.

R6 - The reason babies and small children stare at you is they think you are beautiful!

Several studies have shown that babies love to watch/stare at people they find attractive. It's innate.

Getting old is a fact of life. We must remember that this life is only temporary anyway. It is eternal life with the Lord that is truly important.

It’s a process. There is a lid for every pot though. You’re always someone’s type…especially in the larger cities. Although my family recently moved to a medium sized city, I was shocked at how much attention I received (at 58 years old) when we attended a large Pride type event. And no DLCunt Club, it wasn’t derisive attention either. Lol.

I’m 44 and have become mostly invisible over the last few years. Unfortunately I was a cute blond bottom twink, and we tend to have a short shelf life. We’re not the type who turn into hot bearded daddies fucking 24 year olds. We’re the ones who end up bitching in piano bars.

I’m 63 and I still receive the light, non-obligatory and passing smile cruise. It’s because guys are always up for it.

I don’t think I attracted much attention when I was younger, so becoming invisible was more gradual than sudden. 62 now and I can easily pass for 65. Slim, I dress decently and have a nice attitude. But no muscles, no money, sort of balding, average face. Generally ignored online, in bars. But I’m still very occasional surprised by positive attention.

I’m only invisible to men my own age. The young ones are all over me which is surprisingly boring

I am invisible when I walk down the sidewalk.

Digital Zombies walk into me.

I’m still very much visible and everyone wants me, so I don’t know what you’re taking about OP.

As I age U have become invisible. In a strange way I have come to accept it as liberating. Youth and looks consume a lot of time and my use of time is different now. Looks are not the center of my universe and that is freeing.

Oh my, I feel like I have been invisible my entire life. Hated it for most of my life, hated being ignored, for people to interrupt me when I was speaking, and start talking like I wasn't saying anything. Now in my 60's I embrace it, I don't want to be noticed, I would prefer people left me alone and they pretty much do.

As of now, best answer is clearly R20

[quote] I wonder who has it worse- An older gay man who has become invisible or an older straight woman who has become invisible?

At least the older straight women can find solidarity by wearing those stupid purple outfits with red hats.

It's been ages since I've been looked over. Livestock get more action than I do.

Just buy brighter coloured caftans girls and put a purple rinse through your hair if you've got it, if you don't, buy a cheap toupee, You'll get noticed.

It's a sad fact of modern life that looks matter. It's a shallow world. We must do all we can to enhance our appearance. At any age. I find most straight men let themselves go. Good looking guys I went to school with are overweight and prematurely aged from the sun and drink. Weight is a huge ager. If you stay trim, keep out of the sun and eat right, you're half way there. Unfortunately men lose their hair and that's another thing that ages us a lot. My twin brother started going bald at 24, I take medication and I have retained mine. There's always something you can do to enhance your appearance.

R71 stole my post.