I hate my husband’s friends

Have you shared this with your husband? What does he say?

Where is his hometown? Major city with lots of possibilities, or East Podunk, Nowhere?

How old are you both? How long have you been together?

more info is required...

Snap out of it.

Talk to your husband. That’s what he’s there for.

How do they make you feel like you’re not good enough? Sounds to me that the problem is your own insecurity and resentments. (You “hate” them.)

It's not money that makes you a fish out of water with his friends, it's the lack of ability to contribute meaningfully to the conversation.

You cannot figure out what to do? Are you really that helpless that you cannot find a way to make new acquaintances or pursue other interests?

The way you've described yourself, said and unsaid, you sound both lazy and whiny. You blame others (his friends) for being uninteresting, as if you state of being should be a marvel for them to behold. Unless they spend the entire time talking about their childhoods and people they knew when growing up (and are truly the tedious ones), even if they are talking about particle physics, you can read books and learn enough to follow along or ask questions. Art, history, finance, economics, politics - same.

Where did you move, Hillbilly Heights, Appalachia, population 42? If you've moved to any city of reasonable size, there are organizations you could join, sports teams to make new acquaintances, volunteer work. Make your own friends if your partner's are douchebags.

Lord have mercy on gurl from down in the Boonedocks!

You need to get out and feel productive, volunteer someplace, especially if you might be interested in working there.

Talk to your husband that is what you are married for

You need to start eyeing them up and down more, wear shorts with briefs so your junk hangs out, and keep peppering every conversation with "I just have no limits whatsoever."

I agree, you should share with your husband. Though, perhaps you could find another word for "hate" when describing his friends. Perhaps that isn't the right word anyway. If they are to be hated, what makes them so. Tell us and then you can hate us too.

Do remember to tolerate your friends' friends, however alien or peculiar they may seem to you.

Have your husband make it known to his snobby friends that he expects them to use their influence and local connections to help you get a job. What good are they if they don't? Other than that, I agree with R5. Get out there and make your own friends based on your interests and personality.

[quote] Have your husband make it known to his snobby friends that he expects them to use their influence and local connections to help you get a job.

Yeah, that'll work well. They already are snobby to him, and now you think they should have to do favors to advance his go-nowhere career. They're sure not going to resent the hell out of that.

Agree with R5. Great advice.

Whatever you do, OP, don't cause your husband difficulties at his workplace or with his coworkers, if it's a decent job and he's happy. If he gets along with those he works with and enjoys what he does, he's lucky and you ought to be happy for him. He has to see those people everyday, you see them rarely. By tolerating them and curating your own projects, your relationship with him with remain happier and stable.

Or, you could ignore R5 and myself and expect fights at home and, eventually, divorce. Good luck.

Also, you don’t hate them. They make you feel insecure. Reframe it in your mind as “what do I want to get from these people that I’m not getting?” You want them to like you and to show it, to make you feel like you fit in. But you should work on the self-worth that comes from within. You like yourself, right? Your husband likes you, right? Don’t let the friends tell you what your own value is.

Get your teaching license and give up the dream of teaching full time at the college level. It's not going to happen. Teach at a private school until you get your license. That right there is your problem. Unrealistic expectations.

OP is Rose at Miles’ birthday party.

Idk why but your comment makes me lol R9

Get out now OP! Ditch his manipulative ass ans his friends too! He's so obviously making your relationship all about his needs; dragging you to another state, his hometown, to fall into the securityh of old friends, but what about you? Did he ask you how you would fell amongst his snotty friends? Hmmmmm? It's over, it's his way of telling you. Just leave a note.

Casually say, "I've killed a man once. It was self-defense but it felt good."

Start a conversation with, "Back when I did gay porn......."

Wait till you wake up to murmured chanting and you find hubby and friends in robes dancing around a pintacle of bones!

What does your spouse do for a living, OP?

You think you have a problem feeling inadequate? Never quite good enough?

Yeah, right ..........

Find out what will make them the most uncomfortable and start talking about it, do not let them change the subject, get more intense. When they've about broken, start laughing and say you were just joking and walk off with a huge smile.

I shared a little with him, we just haven’t found much that works.

His company paid for the movers to move him, so he flew to me and drove my stuff back in a UHaul when I was done with school this spring. The first few days weren’t bad, I was settling in to our new home and then he took two weeks off in June so we could be together. Since then we’ve fallen a bit into the rhythm, I just get lonely. He suggested I make new friends in our new location, but it’s hard. His only suggestion was to go to lunch with a few of his girl friends from high school (since they don’t work), they’re the housewife types now though so I didn’t have too much in common.

We’re now in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio. There isn’t a bunch to do, but it’s not too bad, I just don’t know where to start! R5 brought up some good things, I guess what I am wondering is if there are specific things from that list someone has done to make friends. So far I’ve contemplated joining a rec softball team, running club, or volunteering at the library.

I’m 27 and he is 32, we’ve been together since we met 7 years ago when he was finishing up his MBA.

I should not have used the word hate. They make him happy, I like that and I would never get between them...it’s just a lack of commonality. They talk a lot about their common interests (which makes sense) it’s just how they handle the lack of common interests. For example, most of them played high school football. I ran track. When they learned that they kind of jumped on me about how that’s a “sissy sport.” No one thing they’ve done is super terrible, they just kind of take that approach to many things.

I’m in my early 30s and have never heard of anyone refer to something as a “sissy sport”...

Exactly r25. Find their weaknesses! Zero in on them and rattle their cages. Dose their drinks with LSD and watch the show.

I stopped at Columbus, OH. They feel superior living there?

I do understand. I've known people like them.

ARE you good enough for him?

OP maybe you're just completely pathetic?

R29 Colombia Ohio is a great place to live. Not everyone wants to be in overcrowded, overpriced NYC paying $2500 a month for a shoebox or LA that’s having earthquakes around it daily.

Ohio has excellent libraries, so that is a great place to start. Perhaps volunteer tutoring so that it keep in line with your teaching. ESL volunteering can be very rewarding too. Maybe a book club might be a good way to meet others too, I found one linked below. It looks like it at the Center which might be another place you might want to consider volunteering.

R16, I was very diligent about getting my secondary education license transferred from MN to OH. I’ve got it now, I just have a very speciality license area, so I haven’t seen any openings yet.

R19, I think you’re being sarcastic (?) but we talked extensively about the move. We knew me not finishing a job was a possibility, but we’re financially able to swing it right now, so it’ll be fine.

R23, he works in (I’m going to get this wrong...) something with data analytics in the insurance industry? I’m actually not really totally clear on that!

R27, I hadn’t ever heard that phrase before that conversation. I was a bit taken aback, but I didn’t want to make waves, so I just kind of giggled.

I guess another piece that might be worth mentioning...I am painfully shy. I don’t like talking to random strangers, I always seek out a purpose for a conversation in most situations. I’m really working on “coming out of my shell” but it’s tough.

R33 Here again, I just went to the library website and there's a job that might be perfect for you if you don't get a teaching job for this fall at the library.

Homework Help Center Specialist-FT 40 Hrs-Northern Lights Branch Northern Lights, Columbus, OH, US 7 days ago Requisition ID : 1694

APPLY Salary Range : 19.6800 To 29.5600 (USD) Hourly PURPOSE OF JOB:

Responsible for promoting and operating the Homework Help Center under the guidance of the Youth Services Manager.

ESSENTIAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES:

Assists students K-12 with homework using textbooks, websites, computers and other sources.

Reviews homework instructions with students and helps them understand what is being asked.

Proofreads homework papers, looking for errors and ways for the student to easily improve their assignments. Points out information that is incorrect or missing.

Promotes the Homework Help Center to area schools, community organizations, and customers through presentations, networking and individual meetings.

MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS:

Bachelor’s Degree from an accredited college or university.

Ability to express self effectively and concisely, both orally and in writing.

Acts with the customer in mind using information gained from interacting with the customers. Meets the expectations and requirements of external and internal customers.

Ability to effectively present in a variety of formal settings - one on one, group, peers, direct reports, etc.

SCHEDULE:

Combination of mornings, afternoons, evenings & weekends, alternating Friday/Saturday. Sundays as assigned.

r34 Guuurl, go after them. Since they played football, ask them about head trauma and how common it is among the non-sissy sport of football and casually hint you were asking because you saw some signs of CTE and were worried. (Do research beforehand to have some examples.) They don't have to be true you just plant the seed and watch it grow. It will drive them slowly mad.

r34 Guuurl, go after them. Since they played football, ask them about head trauma and how common it is among the non-sissy sport of football and casually hint you were asking because you saw some signs of CTE and were worried. (Do research beforehand to have some examples.) They don't have to be true you just plant the seed and watch it grow. It will drive them slowly mad.

He's your husband. It's part of the contract that you put the relationship and talk about problems as they come up. Withholding and sulking are not part of the contract.

Bring it up. Talk it through. Listen to him. Make sure he listens to you. He should not be okay with you being shut out by his circle of friends.

If he is okay with that and if he takes no steps to improve the situation, divorce his worthless and take him for half of whatever there is in this marriage.

R29/R32, thank you. It is a nice place, and should have warmer/dryer winters than I am used to, so I’m looking forward to that!

R33, thank you for finding that. I haven’t heard of them (though, running one Google Search makes me wonder how that was the case!)

[quote]When they learned that they kind of jumped on me about how that’s a “sissy sport.”

LOL - they've met you and their friend, the guy whose ragingly hard cock you're sucking, right? They do know that one of you is taking it up the butt from the other right (I have a guess on who is doing what to whom, but that's mostly irrelevant).

The correct response to both diffuse the situation, demonstrate you have a sense of humor, hit back hard, as well as test them to see how tolerate they really are if they're not gay themselves, would have been to pause and deadpan, "Yes, some of us were. I'm not seeing where you're going with that."

If you really wanted to hit back hard, you could also have gone with, "yeah, the football players I know are meatheads. But, you can probably tell that I like 'em big and dumb, so..." and smacked your boyfriend on the leg or shoulder. However, it's important to say it while laughing.

About your shyness, you may be interested in this book to provide some insight and support:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over working in teams. It is to introverts—Rosa Parks, Chopin, Dr. Seuss, Steve Wozniak—that we owe many of the great contributions to society.

In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts—from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves.

Just an FYI ,Columbus has sloppy , wet winters with rain and occasional snow! Temps can fluctuate wildly, too.

Piss in your husband’s ass

Lets be honest....if all of your husbands friends are douchebags, odds are so is your husband...it will come to the surface eventually. Do yourself a favor and leave now and save yourself a lot of grief.

R35 I saw that, thank you! I am, admittedly, being a little picky since we can afford to have one income right now. What we had in MN was perfect. He would get up with me in the morning, then we’d shower, and he would make me lunch while I got dressed. He and our dog would walk me to the car and then he’d walk the dog and go to the gym before heading to work. After school, I had some alone time and spare work time, but we had evenings (5-bedtime) together and nights weekends. He can flex his hours a little later if I take a part time/after school tutor job, but I’m avoiding nights and weekends.

R38, I don’t know why I’m balking at this conversation with him. He is really patient and understanding. I just know he’s worked so hard to get his promotion and he and I spent a lot of time looking for houses, he wanted the transition to be perfect for me. He’s already feeling bad that it’s looking like I won’t be able to teach this coming school year, I don’t want to add to that.

R40, that’s a good point. I get the feeling that one of them is trying, but maybe he finds me boring. I usually have some witty thoughts, I just don’t speak them as to not draw attention to myself.

R41, I just added that to my Audible wishlist. It sounds like a good read!

R42, it certainly is, but compared to where I am from it shouldn’t be too bad! Northern Minnesota gets downright wretched!

Leave a copy of this on the dining table. Don’t look back.

Also, R40, I wasn’t going to mention but...

When they made that comment, husband did make a comment along those lines. They made the comment and he said something about liking them skinny with a big butts, then slapped my on the ass. I think the friend just hadn’t put it together...

Also, R40, I wasn’t going to mention but...

When they made that comment, husband did make a comment along those lines. They made the comment and he said something about liking them skinny with a big butts, then slapped my on the ass. I think the friend just hadn’t put it together...

OP this is why I’ll never get married. I’m not dealing with that shit.

No, R49! Don’t say that! This is totally just my own “first world” problem. I love being married. Even though some responses are telling me to dump him, my husband isn’t going anywhere! You’ve got someone who knows what you want and need, someone helping you through a tough time, and (at least in my case) a steady stream of good sex. What else could you want?

I just read an article this morning that said that people who have always had money truly believe they are better than everyone else. The amazing thing is that even if they lose their money they still think they are better than everyone else.

They will never make you feel comfortable so you need to convince yourself that you are better then them and only look at if from that point of view.

R42 sounds like NYC

Can you stop bitching OP? At least his friends aren’t having super loud fuck wars like someone wanted us to believe yesterday...

A child will solve all of your problem op! I cannot imagine life without my bundle of joy.

R54, are you being for real? It’s hard to tell sarcasm over text!

We got married three years ago (as of last week!) and said we’d broach the idea of kids between 3-5 years. I think we’ve bought an extra year with the move, but I’ve wondered how it’s played out for others.

Sorry, OP, that sucks...you’re in a tricky spot.

Sometimes “friends” sabotage relationships for selfish reasons.

Don’t let them provoke you into looking or acting like an asshole.

Real friends support relationships.

Good luck...

Update:

My husband and I had “the guys” and consequentially some of their wives, over to grill out this evening. Kind of a spur of the moment deal. It went a little better this time! I didn’t just stand there and let it happen, I interacted more and they bantered with me a couple of times.

Progress.

Glad you’re making progress so soon, OP. I’m still stuck on their homophobic comments, I hope you and your husband fucked the night away when they left.

R56, when I get “the treatment” from somebody seeking drama, I just kill them with kindness. Smile & feel love on your heart...you’ll win every time.

Sorry I mean R57 not myself

[quote]so you need to convince yourself that you are better then them

Oh, dear!

R57, you grilled their wives?!

With BBQ sauce and some beer, they're not bad.

It sounds like OP's husband is in a permanent high school reunion situation. The connections can be deep, but life moves on. Husband should be spending more time with OP and less time with people from the past.

I would not try the "kill them with kindness" approach on any of these motherfuckers. You don't need to become an asshole to match these people's behaviors, but I wouldn't waste energy being kind to them, either.

R62, yes! Though I don’t recommend R63’s method. I find they need something Earthier than BBQ.

R64, I think immediately upon his return is was high school reunion. Now it’s not so bad. We’ve spent most of today at home in our underwear (well, I am. Husband is more in the “lounge around naked” camp, I don’t complain!) We have our own time and hang out. Like I said, I’m just really needing to make friends and learn to deal with his!

OP- Re: husband behind in lounge around naked camp, I speak on behalf of all of DL when is say this:

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Agreed, R66!

If you want to see a pic of my husband’s dick, look on the Satellite View of Google Maps.

How’s that for witty banter?

Do hubby's snooty friends pronounce it "Co-lum-biss" or "Klum-biss"?

Perhaps you can find a few molested former OSU wrestlers to condole.

OP, Gently - I’ll suggest this. You’re in the heartland of several major insurance companies. They pay very well for people with college educations.

Consider applying there in their training departments, and skip the undercompensated public educations system. I know this sounds horrible after you’ve put yourself through an awful lot. But - you’ll make 2-3 times more money working for the insurance or financial companies training employees who actually will pay attention. Mostly.

If you want to feel like what you do matters, and you’re not stuck in a broken system - consider it.

R70, thank you for the information! I have considered it. I’m really passionate about what I do, but I wouldn’t mind branching out if I can’t find something else. There isn’t much stability (and even less pay) working in public education, but since we can make it work without that, I don’t mind and my husband doesn’t mind earning the bulk (like 75%+) of our income and letting me do what I like.

I should put some time into looking into some training and education jobs though, maybe even as a place holder until something in my field comes up. I would LOVE to be able to teach and not have to worry about students who don’t care!!

Kudos to you for sticking it out in teaching. It's a tough profession, but so important.

R71 I think it was mentioned up thread, but if you want the most rewarding teaching experience, teaching adult education is it. Especially ESL. It pays little, but the rewards, seeing the immediate positive human impacts of what you are doing, are worth it. Look up "Aspire" schools in Ohio. Life is so very much more than an income.

Thank you, R72!

R73, I just looked into it. There is an Aspire school in my town! Thank you for the recommendation.

Didn’t one of the Rhodes’ twins move back there from LA? He seemed lonely, you should befriend him. It will make your husband jealous and he’ll give you all kinds of attention.

Best of luck!

Is OP a man?

Whenever you are invited to dinner at one of his snooty friends' place BRING CUPCAKES.

Halfway through the meal, sneak into the kitchen, fish them out of the garbage, tidy them up and serve them to the table.

Is he bigger than you?

We all hope that our relationships will last forever, but sometimes they simply don't. A friend of mine was married to someone who was the breadwinner and urged my friend to not work. When they broke up, my friend's life was in a shambles (initially, at least).

Even if a couple stays together, power dynamics (being the breadwinner, being confident) affect the give-and-take of the relationship. Making enough money to support yourself gives you confidence to negotiate and get what you want from your relationship.

I like what R70 pointed out. OP is in a unique part of the US and why not take advantage, if possible.

OP, you and your husband need to start meeting friends together, and widen your social circle.

OP is this your husband's best friend?

R77, yes. I am a man.

R78, I think I know the thread you’re referencing. It made me laugh!

R79, yes?

R80, I totally see where you are coming from. At the very least I think I am going to do some substitute teaching so I do feel like I am contributing to the relationship (I actually had a phone interview today to be a long term substitute! That wouldn’t be a bad gig). I have a small inheritance as well from when my mom passed if we split, we both keep contingent accounts for that purpose.

R81, I brought that up to him and he actually thought it was a great idea. I was going to do rec softball awkwardly by myself, but he wants to as well so we can make friends.

R82, sadly...no.