I just fucked myself with a cucumber for an hour

I'll alert the media.

Now, try an egg plant. Then a pumpkin.

Try a baseball bat. I heard it hits the spot

I'm a salad tosser!

OP = Miss Lindsey Graham

Great!

Now that the cucumber has been properly muddled, you can toss it in a cocktail and serve it up to your guests!

Poor cucumber

I suppose she’ll be putting it in your salad for lunch tomorrow. Memories

asparagus should be in season, try that next

Did you peel it first?

Aren't you the guy who makes the Cucumber and Corn Salad?

Next try one of these

Try a zucchini. It's like a dildo. Or so I've heard.

I'd say you were in a pickle but I guess the pickle was in you.

I don't think the anus is designed to absorb nutrients from raw vegetables...

Did it cum inside you?

"If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit me --

Why what a very, very pure young man this pure young man must be."

I hope you used a condom.

Was this after being fucked by a mushroom for 50 seconds?

I’m not going to lie: I am a jealous bitch, OP.

English cucumber?

Next time, cum on the cucumber and stick it back in your ass. At least it's safe and you get seeded.

Did you peel it first?

Did you scrub it first at least?

I prefer Japanese cucumbers... naturally ribbed for your pleasure.

Ranch or Viniagrette?

Was it a sea cucumber?

bump

Mais quelle horreur. Gaped hole sluts, the lot of you. I hope you're on PrEP!

After splitting up with ex, let myself into the flat we had shared to collect rest of my things. Had a quick snoop (I know) and spotted a cucumber perched on the nightstand at his side of the bed. Resisted urge to sniff it and left quickly with a giggle and a hard on.

Try this next, OP.

Was it your "front hole" OP?

R21 I remember selecting English cucumbers at Whole Foods for a gazpacho.

I picked up a very girthy one. As I looked up, I noticed I was getting a raised eyebrow from the queen across the aisle.

I felt such shame.

He was cruising you, Rose!

With a poppers chaser

Did it Pickle?

Was it well chilled?

Sounds like your schedule is as open as your hole, Vice President Pence.

Did you buy it at Aldi?

The cucumber at R25 looks like it has warts!

[quote]I just fucked myself with a cucumber for an hour

My advice to you is to NOT hide it under your bed so your mom doesn't find it.

And for Christ's sake don't put it back in the fridge!

[quote] And for Christ's sake don't put it back in the fridge!

Waste not, want not!

It's still a perfectly good cucumber.

OP you really should invest in better quality and more appropriate accoutrements for your solo sex play.

Can I have it?

It’s a pickle now.

R45 : It's probably not "halal" anymore.

This gazpacho tastes like ass.

Are you now fresh "down there" OP, or do you smell like a week old tossed salad that's been sitting out in the hot sun.

OP you should slice it and use the slices to treat your puffy eyes.

Lol R48.

Did you use Duke's mayo for lube?

You too??????

Cucumbers are actually a better option to use than dildos, because they're cheap, disposable, and you can pick out just the right size.

Not that I would know anything about it.

If your hole is too tight you can just trim it to size.

[quote]and you can pick out just the right size

Yep!

You realize you’re pregnant now, you disgusting slut.

Make sandwiches to serve with tea.

The trick is to get a long one so you don't inadvertently pop it inside and need to go the ER., OP.

That's just a waste of meth.

OP, please tell me you didn't take that vegetable out of the fridge just before you sodomized yourself with it.

[quote]sodomized yourself with it.

"FUCKED YOURSELF" with it.

[quote] "FUCKED YOURSELF" with it.

MADE LOVE to it.

[quote]Did you buy it at Aldi?

Cukes are on sale for 19 cents this week at my Aldi!

Did the cucumber consent OP? If not, it's literal RAPE!

Now that's what I call farm-to-table.

This was nothing but a classic case of solo vegetable sodomania. It's a sexual malfunction of the brain.

[quote] I just fucked myself with a cucumber for an hour

Please eluborate, ahem, elaborate.

Mom always said to fuck your vegetables.

Farm-to-Bed

Was the cucumber cut or uncut?

............

[quote] Now, try an egg plant. Then a pumpkin.

And a durian.

If it fits you cannot acquit

[quote]I don't think the anus is designed to absorb nutrients from raw vegetables...

Actually it can. the anus is very absorbent, too absorbent. Ever hear of wine enemas? Some idiots have died putting alcohol up there.

Did you then put it in your mouth to taste your ass juices?

You’re an amateur, OP. Until you can spit out julienne fries or at least spiralize the cucumber - it’s boring. We’ve been there, done that. Really. We’ve seen all the “I can make cucumber balls and SHOOT THEM OUT MY BUSSY”

You’re not even trying to be entertaining, and that’s just unforgiveable. If you can’t even rise to the level of ‘Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” we’re not going to let you hang around.