Fuinniest Malapropisms

Sorry for the typo , that should be FUNNIEST Malapropisms

It's a doggy dog world.

Edina : Can you just shut up please, darling, because I'm trying to do my mindlessness.

My coworker says "nip it in the butt" all the time

OP comes from a family of single digit IQd morons. You are perfect for the level of discourse here!

This one is something I say: "Extend a fig leaf." (Should be "extend an olive branch.") This maybe is not really a malapropism.

He reached the pinochle of his career.

My father couldn't remember the name of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding even though he'd seen it several times. He called it MY BIG FAT GREEK MAMA! Sounds like a porno movie.

It's a blessing in the sky.

[quote]OP comes from a family of single digit IQd morons. You are perfect for the level of discourse here!

Yet YOU are in this thread, why motherfucker? Still don't comprehend why people here go into threads they have no interest in.

Go play in the humongous dick threads, and the "I know every porn stars stats" threads. Perfect for the typical DL basement dweller like you, who can only dream of spending time with the types of men they drool over at DL. Pathetic.

minus well instead of might as well bone apple tea instead of bon appétit

Overheard, "This restaurant has a wonderful umbeyonce!" The person actually pronounced it as Beyonce!

....

i never realized what an annoying speaking voice glen had....singing, fine but that....^^^^^^^ NO.

feeling my oats

He has a mute point.

Don’t give me an old tomato.

R5 - Oooooh you in trouble!

I don't cow-tail to those people. (kow-tow)

Legitimately thought the phrase went "can't make end's meat" until about last year. You know, because you struggle so much, you can't afford to buy meat for the end of the week. Or something. The actual version makes way more sense.

There's a funny subreddit for malapropisms, r/BoneAppleTea (which of course stands for bon appétit), if you want to waste some time.

rip in pieces

Lets talk about Repressions!

R11 I love it , a new term for "balls"! Bone Apples

I once took a peak at a co-worker's list of ingredients for enchiladas. "Flower tortilla" was at the top.

[quote] I once took a peak at a co-worker's list of ingredients for enchiladas. "Flower tortilla" was at the top.

R23, throwing stones from his spelling-challenged glass house

I had a co-worker who was always bemoaning the fact that her Visa account was always 'in the rears' because she didn't have enough money to pay it.

Heard at work: "The blue bonnet plague." Had them repeat it to confirm.

"I'll come to work here for you but I HAVE to be off for Martha Luton's Birfday"i'

R6. I think Dr. Freud would agree with your supposition.

And good for you!

I wish we could get wifive in this building.

Here’s one I’ve had arguments with people about:

“If you think...you’ve got another thing coming.”

It’s another THINK coming. It doesn’t make sense any other way. And you’re starting the sentence by saying “if you THINK...” why would it turn into “thing”?!

r30 Holy shit, you just blew my mind. It's think, not thing?!

My father called Saturday Night Live-Saturday Night ALIVE.

Sex in the City (Sex and the City)

"Damp squid" instead of "damp squib" is another common one.

My father has said -Yoko Ono was married to Jack Lemmon from the Beatles.

You can either do it, or hee and haw about it.

I knew what he was doing right off the back.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

I have a photogenic memory.

They're gonna use us as an escape goat.

[quote]They're gonna use us as an escape goat.

Oooh... 😳

R30 r31 - it is indeed another thing coming...

Example: if you think the roof repair is only going to be xxxx dollars, you have got another thing coming i.e., a larger bill...

No r39, that doesn’t even make sense.

If you THINK something and are proven wrong, you’ve got another THINK coming.

r39 I also understood it that way. "If you think you can get away with it, you have another thing coming", with the thing being an event or an action or a circumstance that will prove you wrong.

It works.

They're raping us over the coals

Overhead in a coffee shop across the street from the County Courthouse from someone going through a bankruptcy and apparently being forced to auction off their business assets, "I'm going to sue [the local weekly rag] for defecation of character."

That’s pretty shitty, R43.

Student of mine wrote in a paper:

Naturally, blessed milk is better for babies than formula.

Dolly Parton is indeed blessed...

R36 I've heard " I have a photostatic " memory!

That's a whore of a different color!

"When you come to that fork in the road, TAKE IT!"

I could care less.

She is suffering from Old TImer's disease

My Aunt Frances: "It's so hot in here I'm going to die from sophistication!"

I have a friend who thought the word "goatee" was "goatique," and when he pronounced it that way, I started to laugh at him, because it sounded so silly and kind of cute. He's a very smart guy, but even smart people just learn certain words/phrases incorrectly in childhood and carry them forward.

I wonder why he thought that, R53. I have to admit I’ve never heard that. Interesting.

there used to be an Italian restaurant VIlla Capri and my parents called it Villa Caprice

Sorry, but what is wrong with "feeling my oats"? Yes, it sounds a bit odd in the first person, but "feeling (his/her/their) oats" is correct.

I have a head cold, so I'm going to take some goldenrod and euthanasia.

I love the idiots who say that they take something "with a huge grain of salt," or "with a mountain of salt," or "with a boulder of salt." It's [italic]with a grain of salt[/italic], dumbasses. Meaning, you have no trust in its veracity., hence, worth only a tiny amount of salt.

R58, people who say those things are usually turning the original phrase on its head by using exaggeration. To say that one should take something with a grain of salt is a polite way of doubting the veracity of a statement. Say that one takes it with a boulder of salt means it is an outright lie or completely absurd.

Similarly, "You could knock me over with a fender". It is an old line from a 1930s film. I has remained to indicate that one is not surprised at all.

In all seriousness, my neighbor referred to the movie, [italic]Meet the Parents[/italic] as [italic]Meet Robert DiNiro.[italic]

Nocturnal twins.

"She'll be getting her just derserves"

No, R59. The logic is faulty. Getting it wrong is just getting it wrong. If you don't believe something, you take it with a grain of salt; if you believe something, you might it with a boulder of salt (silly as that would sound). But it's not really a matter of degree or "turning the original phrase on its head." I think that that's just an excuse; it's just wrong and sounds ignorant.

I agree with R59. It’s using exaggeration.

If I take something with a grain of salt, meaning I’m not sure if I believe it, when I’m confident I don’t believe something I’ll take it with something a little bigger than a grain, maybe a rock or boulder.

I drank myself into Bolivia.

For all intensive purposes.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

My father used to call Russell Crowe-Russell Krause

R42 I’m going to use that now

Go get my shirt out of the chester drawers

I keep mine in the chifferobe, R69

[quote]He has a mute point.

How about "He has a minuet point"? I've heard that too.

A relative had a popular small car from the 1970s, a Mercury Comet, an aunt called it a Comic.

My mother used to say "Dan Marino 's son is acoustic," instead of autistic . She said my sister was going on a cruise to "the east coast of Alaska.. ". God, she used to make me laugh so hard. She died 12 years ago and I miss her.

Oblivia de Havilland.

Oh, wait. That's not a malapropism. That's my drag name.

I couldn’t believe he saw me naked. I was mortifried.

I once had a boyfriend that was so stupid...

How stupid was he?

I'm glad you asked. He asked me to go to the pharmacy with him because he had to pick up his subscription.

The Bowery Boys and Roxie Balsom would have been proud.

Cyst and decease.

[quote]He has a mute point.

The phrase probably wouldn't be "He has a moot (or mute) point" in either case. It would be something like, "That's a moot (or mute) point."

Lee Harvey Oswald is said to have fired the fatal bullet from the Book Suppository Building in Dealey Plaza..

[quote]The Bowery Boys and Roxie Balsom would have been proud.

Every time my dad would hear a malapropism, he'd mention Leo Gorcey and the Bowery Boys, I had no idea who he was talking about. Then I remembered the old series which was aired on Saturday mornings. Then there was comedian Norm Crosby, most of his ac was based on malapropisms.

Fire hyphant is one of my faves. Even funnier, hyphant isn't even a word!

To eaches own

She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile!

"Pardon me for protruding."

"Ellie Mae, it’s been an extinct pleasure."

"I'm gonna sue. I'll take this case right to Extreme Court of the United States!"

Pablo's dog.

I had a really dumb boss once and she was asked if there were going to be further layoffs. She answered “not that I know of. Some jobs will be lost to nutrition.”

I guess they were planning on starving us.

“Buckshot wedding” instead of shotgun wedding.

The police violated my constipational rights, your Honor!

A good friend's aunt said "Winnie the Poodle" for "Winnie the Pooh." She also watched the 1996 "Oplympics" and loved it when "they shot them doaves outta them canyons" during the opening ceremonies.

A Catholic neighbor when I was growing up thought Martin Luther (i.e., the father of Protestantism) was "Luther Patrick."

"I think I feel one of my heads coming on, dear. Have you any aspirin? Or some of that homophobic remedy you gave me last time?"

Apparently one character on the old mystery soap "The Edge of Night" got a little tongue tied back in the 1970's and reported a murder as a "homosexualside". Leading character Mike Karr screwed up his line in a morning scene by saying, "I barely could get it up this morning." His wife, Nancy, ad libbed, "Yes, I noticed that."

"From the gecko", instead of from the get go.

Well, I'll flummoxed.

[quote]“Buckshot wedding” instead of shotgun wedding.

How silly. We all know it’s a blowgun wedding.

"He's pigeon toad!"

I was once a candy stripper.

Granted it was scripted for a joke, but as to the character, it still makes me giggle.

My buddy Dennis continually mixes up words, sometimes creating even better words in the process. One day he meant to say someone was "caterwauling," but it came out "caterwhining," which I think is way more descriptive.

He can also fuck up a saying, turning it into an amusing non sequitur. Once after declaring he smelled a fart, I replied "the fox is the finder and the stench lies behind 'er," implying that he, himself, had unwrapped the fart in question. Not too long afterward, Dennis found the need to cast blame on someone who'd just floated an air biscuit, but he didn't quite get it right, saying, "the fox is the…blender…and it sits…in the blender," causing consternation to those within earshot who had no idea what he was trying to say.

I just saw this today written and I’ve never seen or heard it before:

He was just trying to clench his thirst.

At first, I thought either the person was joking or it was a typo. Nope, when someone pointed it out he admitted he “looked it up” and they were right. Unbelievable.

"Clench his thirst" is freaking hilarious. I guess that could happen if you drank a very acidic liquid, like an extremely sour lemonade! You'd sure be clenching your teeth!

HILARIOUS!

I always loved when Archie Bunker called it "the groinacologist" for gynecologist. Archie had a million of them.

"The Sopranos" had a million malapropisms, too. So funny.

Peak my interest instead of pique my interest.

Sift lids instead of syphilis,

Conga rita.

Do bead instead of doobie.

the Oranges of the Investigation'

Not a slip up, he said it more than once.

Homo Depot = Home Depot

Tarjay = Target

Pav-e-own = Pavillions

Needless markup = Neiman Marcus

Think is not a noun, it’s a verb. “Another ‘think’ coming” is grammatically incorrect. In any ither context the word is “thought.” No one says “I had a think” when they had an idea (a thought). “Another think coming” sounds dumb.

R101 demonstrates that they have no idea what a malapropism is.

I used to watch Archie reruns with my dad. "Mental pause" >> menopause.

What about the malapropisms that actually make more sense than the "real" sayings? I once had someone say that their niece was the "splitting image" of their brother, which makes more sense than "spitting image."

R102 so it’s your argument that, in the context of the sentence “If you THINK...you’ve got another...” the appropriate word is THING? That doesn’t make sense.

And why would you make think past tense?

It’s saying, “you’re wrong, think again.”

I was shamed once by an architect for saying "palladium windows" instead of "palladian windows." Never forgot it.

Met a young and silly - abd just slightly bitter! - queen at a friend’s party once years ago - and he started gossiping about a few of the people there....so I was in!

There was a really hot guy across the room keeping court - and the unimpressed bitter boy remarked ‘huh! Guys like him are a diamond dozen...’

I nearly choked on my drink! So fabulous! To this day my partner and I occasionally spout that line and collapse into giggles. To be fair - this was in Oz not in America - and we don’t call coins dimes or nickels. But I’ve never been clear what he actually meant by the remark? I mean - surely a ‘diamond dozen’ implies a high level of quality or something? Yet he was clearly being disdainful when he said it. Suspect he saw some actress in an old movie say it - and he thought it was clever & it stuck with him.

He just didn’t know what a dime was.

When I was a kid - I always thought the botanical gardens were the mechanical gardens.

I kinda prefer it now and love to call them that. You get the oddest looks!

Remembered another:

There was a couple I know who were very arty and musical academics - and on a lazy Sunday morning they loved to listen to a radio programme called ‘Sacred Music’. They weren’t religious - just liked the music. It was just part of their routine.

They had a kid - who was used to the routine as it always happened every Sunday morning - and one day when something happened to disrupt the routine and they completely forgot to turn the radio on - the kid - now six or seven - was a little distressed - and came and begged his mother - in a very quiet but earnest tone - to please turn on the secret music.

He really thought the whole thing was some secret, special thing that somehow only they were privy to - and I think that’s why he loved it so much - shhh! It’s our little secret...

R102, some people say "Let me have a think about that."

The funniest were the ones Archie Bunker used to come up with: groinacologist, Medicure, “don’t draw me no diaphragms", "The sexual act was never constipated".... There are too many to even remember them all, but they always used to make me laugh. Archie basically butchered, mangled or mispronounced any word with more than three syllables....including the word syllable!

Or stories, r112, like Adam and Eve.

“...God got sore at them, said ‘put your clothes on and get the hell outta here.’”

Selected Archie-isms:

"Richard S. Nixon"

"Helen Girlie Steinway"

"Levine and Shirley"

"Capital punishment is a detergent to crime"

"That ain't German to the conversation"

"You and that Reverend Fletcher, sittin' up there in that ivory shower"

"A position commenstrual with my experience"

"Look at that chick's tight pants, she has camel toad!"

"Don't touch my public area ever again!"

"I don't like making predictions especially about the future."

Not exactly malapropisms, but my mother is notorious for getting the names of celebrities and bands slightly wrong, and in a way that makes them sound subtly less glamorous, in a way that infuriated my sisters and which she swore was unintentional. I never believed that and have a hard time keeping a straight face when Mom deploys her aura-puncturing missiles at the celebrity crushes of her grandchildren.

You have to imagine all of these in an Irish accent: Andy Gibb=Andy Gibson; Duran Duran=Duran and Duran; Bosley (Charlie's Angels)=Bosco; Prince=The Prince; The Beastie Boys=The Beasley Boys or alternately, the Beasley Brothers; Kanye West=Kenny West; Chris or Liam Hemsworth=Chris Helmsley (she regularly confuses Chris Pine, Hemsworth and Pratt too); Miley Cyrus=Miley Simmons (also calls her dad Billy Bob Simmons); Adele=Adelaide; refers to Emma Stone as Emma Thompson; Kendrick Lamar=Kevin Lamar; Beyonce=Briannecee; any Kardashian=Kardesians, a family that lived on our street, always followed by, "do you not suppose they might be related?" also refers to Kim Kardashian as Kelly or Kimberly and Caitlin Jenner as Catherine Jenner.

^^^she also refers to Jay Z as "Jaycee," like Brianncee is married to the Junior Chamber of Commerce.

They aren’t sure what this lump on my neck is until they get the autopsy report.

My mother laughed hysterically when I drew a picture of my daddy making one of his regular trips to the Licorice Store.

Someone just posted this on another thread:

“I’m no shrieking violet”

sea section sounds exactly like c-section. OP is a lying retard.

My boyfriend once saw me lying on the bed and cooed: "Oh, look! An obelisque!" He didn't see anything funny about it.

I don’t get it, r123.

This is the Odalisque, dear.

And this is an obélisque (French spelling). But the misuse works anyway if the guy has an impressive boner.

Thanks, r125. Now, not only do I get it, I find it absolutely hysterical!! Oh, that’s great!

I knew what an obelisk was, which is why it confused me. I thought if the poster was lying in bed, there could’ve been an “obelisk” visible, so I wasn’t sure what the malapropism was.

Chester drawers

[quote]sea section sounds exactly like c-section. OP is a lying retard.

It was WRITTEN that way in a letter from a late uncle to my mom. His daughter had her baby through a C-section, you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! His letters were filled with the wrong words and tons of malapropisms.

Malapropisms and words which aren't pronounced correctly can always be written. Are you that much of a fucking DOLT?

That argument is not revelant.

Chester drawers! I used to hear that ALL THE TIME when I was growing up in the midwest. It was as common as Warshington.

Not a malapropism but on Andy Cohen's show last night, one of the housewives said, "I was sick of fighting with her so I handed her the fig leaf...."

Clearly she meant to say "extend an olive branch" instead. LOL

R132 Not necessarily. If they were nude, maybe the fig leaf was to cover up.

[quote]What about the malapropisms that actually make more sense than the "real" sayings? I once had someone say that their niece was the "splitting image" of their brother, which makes more sense than "spitting image."

The correct phrase as it was coined is "spit and image." Obviously, it became corrupted many years ago, and almost everyone has learned it wrong. "Spitting image" makes no sense because it's not the correct wording.

(Another example: Almost everyone pronounces the word "forte" as "fortay" when using it in sentences such as "Artistic expression is not his forte," but the correct pronunciation is "fort." I guess this happened because mono-lingual Americans assume every French word that ends with an "e" must have a long "a" sound at the end, but......no. So many people have said "fortay" for so long that now it's listed as an acceptable pronunciation, but it's dead wrong in terms of the word's origin.)

My grandmother used to love the Cartwright boys and watched Bonzana every Sunday night.

Today on my Facebook, someone put up a go fund me link for a family or something. I didn’t read it except for the post, which said,

“Even $1 would be [bold]detrimental[/bold] to this family.”

r114 Even more embarrassing, since the minister's name was always given as FELCHER. What mad queen got THAT by the Standards & Practices people?

For all intensive purposes.

At my beckon call.

On tender hooks instead of on tenterhooks.

I was amused by the demand made by Frau Stoehr at the graveside of the young soldier Joachim Ziemssen in Mann's The Magic Mountain that they should have played Beethoven's Erotica Symphony.

My mother referred to a certain Steven Spielberg film as Close Encounters Of the Third World.