Another Evening at Home with the Alfred Steele Family

Where is your daughter Christina, Mrs. Steele?

That little cunt is away at boarding school

for reasons that are well known to her.

Joan, you have always been an inspiration to me

Thank you, dear Patsy.

You certainly have your work cut out for you with that little heifer of yours.

Have you seen the wonderful new movie "Dead Ringer" with Bette Davis?

No.

I don't go to B Pictures, dear...

Mr. Steele, what is like to be married to Joan Crawford?

He couldn't be happier, dear.

Sometimes, he says he's so 'happy' he could die...

What’s a good main course for a casual dinner party?

A green "weirdo" always goes down well as an entre.

Just how big was Rock Hudson's dick?

If you won't answer I'll ask Armistead Maupin.

What's an Amistead Maupin dear?

Mrs. Steel, Confidential is preparing a story about a blue movie you allegedly made when you were much younger. Hedda Hopper claims to have a file on you that she is ready to turn into the article “Joan Crawford’s Tawdry Years”. What do you have to say to people who think you’ve been laid more times than carpet and had more screws than a hardware store in Kansas City?

Your home is lovely. How do you keep it looking so clean and fresh?

Just saw Miss Crawford in one of her early dancing films last week. She was stunningly beautiful. Those eyes!

And that glowing skin! She must get regular facials...

Mr. Steel, are the rumors true that you ran to Joan’s side to comfort her after she split from Lassie, the only male star at Metro who Joan hadn’t slept with?

[quote]What do you have to say to people who think you’ve been laid more times than carpet and had more screws than a hardware store in Kansas City?

And that you've munched more rugs than Aladdin with a case of pica?

Little Cathy and Cindy, how does it feel to have a mother who is world famous? Of course, she is famous for being a two dollar tramp raised in a laundry by a mother who couldn’t get to a wire hanger in time to prevent Lucille from coming into this world. Still, she is your famous mother.

I was obsessed with Joan Crawford as a little gayling - yes- even at age 7-8-9 I spent my meagre allowance on books on Crawford.

I never forgot how when she was married to Douglas Fairbanks Jr she discovered that if she only ate steak and black coffee, the weight just dropped off - I followed this diet as a teenager and still return to it whenever I get a touch of pudge.

Mrs. Steele, any truth to the rumor that Marilyn Monroe tastes just like chicken ?

Can any of the makeup gurus on here tel me how MM got that sheen on her brow in the 1950's? Was it vaseline? I can't be glitter. How was that done?

I mean the sheen on her under-eyebrow bone

My beloved Ms. Crawford, I'm in the midst of a dire dilemma. I'm at an intimate dinner party in a penthouse in the UWS, and my hostess (a lovely young girl from the hinterlands who obviously married above her station) just served Chicken à la King with MASHED POTATOES! This breaks two of your fundamental rules for gracious entertaining (the colors being unappetizing in juxtaposition, as well as too much MUSH). Should I knock back another Smirnoff and Pepsi and let it go, or should I write her a venomous anonymous note tomorrow and slip it under her door? I just want to do right by her, and save her from future Faux-pas!

No kinky nookie happenin' in THAT house!

Do both, darling!

Chicken a la King on crunchy chow mean noodles.

[quote]r22 Can any of the makeup gurus on here tel me how MM got that sheen on her brow in the 1950's? Was it vaseline? It can't be glitter. How was that done?

MM applied Vaseline and/or Nivea under her foundation. There could be another reflective product on top of that in those spots ... but the makeup routine she devised with Whitey Snyder was something they mostly kept under wraps.

This is a pretty detailed analysis of what's known:

Thank you so kindly for that, r 28 and r29

Excuse me ladies, and I use that term loosely. Please post your how to makeup videos for looking like a worn out whore who throws their tits in everyone’s face at award shows in another thread. This thread already has a whore whose look is iconic and easy to replicate.

I read somewhere that Marilyn had very light, soft fuzzy hair on her face that showed as glowing skin on film.

Yes, r32, and she reportedly had remarkably long arm hair and a very, very full bush (right up the crack, apparently)

Vaseline on the eyes in real life will look like you have an eye condition, though. If you wear foundation regularly you could probably get away with it.

[quote]r32 I read somewhere that Marilyn had very light, soft fuzzy hair on her face that showed as glowing skin on film.

She did have a light down on her skin later in life ... which may well have been encouraged by using the Vaseline on her face so much.

Mrs. Steele herself recommended a 50/50 mixture of yellow Vaseline mixed with castor oil, brushed into the eyebrows nightly with a toothbrush, to encourage new growth.

[italic]And she should know!

[quote]r34 Vaseline on the eyes in real life will look like you have an eye condition, though.

You'd definitely have to tread carefully, but Kevyn Aucoin did like using it on Cher.

If a lot dripped INTO your eyes, along WITH makeup ... uggh. You'd GET an eye condition.

The first thing my (frankly gorgeous, and still unwrinkled at 88) mother said to me when I came out to her was "You MUST use Vaseline on your face at night and sunblock during the day." Literally that was the very first thing she said before we hugged.

Couldn't you do anything with that bearing wall behind the sofa? The room is rather dark.

Did you and Trog stay friends after filming?

Surely, r38, you mean "That BITCH of a bearing wall"

And -- was Trog cut or uncut?

Trog was cut and the refuse was used on my face

Is it OK if I just dust around those plants on the fireplace mantle?

Joan, dear, I may be old, but I'm not prehistoric. I prefer my steak [italic]cooked,[/italic] please.

Mrs. Steele, any truth to the rumor that you were to play Trog in the sequel, Trog II: Electric Booglaoo?

How does one woman manage to have it all?

Dearest Lillian -

It was so delightful to have you. Never mind the alarms that went off when you plugged in that....device. We have ALL for got about it, I promise. Also Pedro told us he utterly LOVED your ..attentions... to him, so that's a lawsuit avoided.

Anyway whenever you want to replace the mirror you...tripped over... do contact Cartier. I only get my mirrors from the very BEST, you see.

Mrs. Steel, where do you find such lovely silk plants and flowers? So lifelike, yet better!

It's Mrs. STEELE to you, r48

Mr.Steel notices Jim Brown has been invited to dinner AGAIN.

Joan's cunt had no hair, from decades of being sucked and gnawed on, hairs would simply refuse to grow back.

Mrs. Steele,

I’m on booking.com, and cannot for the life of me find a single Pan Am flight to Rhodesia!

Can you please help?

Your friend,

Pat Nixon

R22

Monroe was also introduced to a white highlighter by Whitey Snyder. She used it carefully & learned exactly where to highlight her face so that portions stood out and grabbed the eye' attention.

"Christina and Christopher were not allowed in this photo for reasons well known to them. Besides, Al and whats-their-faces are doing a perfectly fine job of providing backdrop on the modesty couch."

Dear Mrs. Steele,

Isn't your real name Lucille Faye LeSueuer and you were white trash from Texas?

Pally Dearest:

May I please go to the restroom? I’ll be right back, I promise.

Who is Mr. Robert? Is he related to Dr. Robert?

Are those pussywillows?

Joan darling ,

I cannot wait until you pass away. I have the loveliest comment to make.

My lovely Joan,

Please AVOID AT ALL COSTS , THE DALLAS-FT. WORTH AREA. NOVEMBER 21-22, 1963. MY PSYCHIC SAYS , YOU MAY BRING DANGER.

Ah! Thank you so kindly for that info, r53.

Hi Joan, when we were making SUDDEN FEAR a few years ago you never once spoke to me when the cameras weren't rolling, asked me out to lunch, nothing. I just wanted to remind you that since then that I too am now the recipient of an Academy Award so the next time we see one another, you better place nice; go that cunt ? Oh and my best to Al and those adorable children of yours.

Mrs. Steele, is it true that prior to marrying your beloved Alfred Steel, you had to have your vaginia steamed cleaned, ironed, defanged, and a tattoo that read Property of MGM removes from your backside as part of the prenup agreement?

it isnt necessarily funny, but supposedly Alfreds heart attack was really Joan pushing him down the somewhat precarious staircase in their penthouse. Probably after she found out how high their debt load was and how long it would take her to pay it off.

I love OP's picture. And Joan actually looks good in it.

Joan threatened rape in that talking book of hers. Could Mr Steele still get it up? He wasn't exactly Joan's usual type.

Joan looked fabulous in OP's pic.

Miss Crawford, what can you do if there's a pint-sized harlot loitering around your home?

I found that tough love and severe discipline solved the problem. What would YOU do?

Joan looks fabulous as a blonde. Great photo, and fun idea for a thread OP!

Lottie, haven't I told you use the back way when you go up and down stairs? Those stairs will look as bad as they did before with everyone tramping up and down them!

Harriet Craig is just so fucking good.

[quote]Mr. Steel, are the rumors true that you ran to Joan’s side to comfort her after she split from Lassie, the only male star at Metro who Joan hadn’t slept with?

Oh Bette, R17, how nice to hear from you again - we have all been so worried about you after you were 'released' from Warner Brothers. And all that nasty press, how horrible for you and your career!

And with your moving on to television and those "B Movies", it's just been so hard to keep up with you, dear. We move in such different circles, I suppose, we just must make more of an effort to see each other.

A group of us were just talking about you the other day - I'll never forget when you wore that delightful little printed frock to the 1936 Academy Awards - it was just so 'unexpected' and only YOU could have pulled that off with your frizzy perm and no makeup. And it did draw attention away from your low bosom. Sometimes I wish I could've worn such things - those off-the-rack, bargain-basement treasures.

Well, It's been delightful reminiscing with you, Bette dear, about those days when you were working regularly. But Mr. Steele and I have such busy lives - we're off on a worldwide Pepsi Cola promotional tour. It's wonderfully exciting work but it can be exhausting.

P.S And I just happened to find a picture of you in your darling Academy Award dress, Bette dear. It's even more provincial than I had remembered. See the photograph below, dear.

P.P.S. Oh, and Bette dear, my husband's family name is spelled "Steele", not "Steel" as you had misspelled it in your post.

I do realize that you don't move in our social circles and you just aren't familiar with the best families, and I understand that you aren't able to engage a proper Social Secretary or any other staff in your reduced circumstances.

But I did want to spare you the further embarrassment of continuing to misspell such a well-known, respected family name.

[quote]Dear Mrs. Steele, Isn't your real name Lucille Faye LeSueuer and you were white trash from Texas?

Oh Hedda dear, you are such a character! I would love to talk with you more about the past, but I'm afraid you have a rather large swarm of fruit flies and blow flies buzzing around the fruit in your hat, as well as around your pubic area. And I also detect a rather pungent odor from in the area of your so-called 'lady parts".

"One must always see to one's basic hygiene first and foremost," as I like to remind my daughters, "if one expects to be taken seriously by polite Society."

So see to those more pressing issues of your own and I ask my secretary to try to pencil you in on a day when you're up to being received.

P.S. My condolences on the loss of your homosexual son - children do come and go - but we have our careers!

Joanie Dear, How wonderful to hear from you. I know you’ve been terribly busy trying to remember what it was like and then actually playing a young girl in her twenties in that late afternoon soap opera while Christina seeks help for her female issues. Isn’t it ironic that it was in the 1920s that you were last a young girl who often had her own female issues that needed medical attention? It was so selfish of all those many, many married men to choose their wives over you and those wonderful children whose first and only memory would be your mother’s “office supplies” scraping their little skulls out of you. Time certainly flies, doesn’t it? I’ve been so busy winning Emmy, AFI, Kennedy Center Honors, and lifetime achievement awards, that I haven’t had time to look up with my Bette Davis Eyes. I am getting ready to celebrate that no.1 album with Kim Carnes this week. Now I know how you feel to have a hit song written about you. How you must be filled with pride every time you hear Lady Marmalade and her call girl antics blowing (no pun intended) out your car radio! I also had a chance to see Trog a few weeks back. I was so impressed by Trog’s acting. He was very fortunate to have you as his coach. It was clear your acting notes and techniques really shaped his performance. Those grunts and goans have the “Crawford Touch” written all over them! Also, thank you for the note about Al’s last name. I’m so glad to hear that the rumors aren’t true that he had to sell an “e” to keep the electric on in your smaller, more urban apartment. How silly for anyone to think he is on the verge of bankruptcy and that you’ve been reduced to taking empty bottles of Pepsi from business functions to get enough money to buy new pairs of fuck me pumps. I mean those shoes can be found in goodwill stores across the nation for not much more than a song, along with other mentos of your past as a movie personality who could open the second half of a B movie double feature no lower than no.5 at the box office. Let’s do lunch the next time I’m in town, sweet Lucille. I’ll treat you to the best soup in town so as not to damage the rest of your decaying and loose teeth caused by the buckle. You have really paid the price with your body and mouth over and over again to be famous. I will be happy to let you give nature’s credit card a rest and pay for your lunch with actual cash.

Fondly, Bette Davis, 2 time Academy Award winner

This is possibly one of the most unappreciated threads in DL history. Keep it coming you witty bitches!

When can I expect to be invited over for dinner? Hope you are serving your world famous meatloaf!

Because it will never, ever get old.

I thought it was a parody when someone first showed me. Nope!

Do you know Helen Lawson? Is it true?

Of course Joanie knows me! You gotta love Joanie!

I sent that ole girl a bottle of Helenesque for Christmas last year! Or....was it the year before?

Funny, R72!

I get unreasonably giddy ( I know, MARY!) when I see a new post is on this thread!

Mrs Steele, How many cigarettes do you smoke per day? Are you worried of getting lung cancer?

Oh, I always liked the homosexuals. Once I knew a man didn't want to rip my dress off, I could let my hair down and fun. They were like girlfriends- but not competitive backstabbers.

JOAN DAHKLIN.

THAT PICTURE OF YOU AND THE LOVELY ROZ , IN THE NYT , WAS SOOOO CHIC !! YOU, SIMPLY MUST GET OUT MORE !!!!

I'm over here, Norma!

JOANIE ,

WE ALL MISS YOU TERRIBLY , PLEASE COME BACK TO HOLLYWOOD. IT'S WHERE YOU BELONG.

LUCILLE , MY LOVE ,

FOLLOWING MY LAVISH SOIREE THE OTHER EVENING. GREER , GRETA , ROSALIND, WELL ONE OF THE GIRLS. MENTIONED YOU HAD USED THE COMMODE IN THE UPSTAIRS POWDER ROOM. PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED A RECEIPT FOR $ 1.89 FOR A NEW TOILET SEAT. AS I SIMPLY CANNOT USE ANYTHING YOUR LADY PRIVATES HAVE TOUCHED.

LOVE , BETTE ( I HAD FRANCHOT FIRST ) DAVIS

PS, PLEASE DON'T LET CATHY AND CYNTHIA PLAY WITH BD. SHE NOW WANTS TO EAT WITH HER HANDS. TOOTLES.

All Caps, Bette dear?

As Vida would say, "That's so recherche".

In the OP's first photo Alfred Steele looks like a gay male happily obeying his queen bee.

R89, As Joan would say FUCK YOU.

Oh Bette, dear.

How nice that your low-hanging boobs can rest on your pot belly.

It's like some kind of Divine Plan.

My darling Joan, my toddlers are behaving in an increasingly obstreperous fashion, can you recommend a good boarding school? I'm considering Chadwick, but I worry whether it's an institution of learning or a teenaged brothel?

Mrs Steele was vaginal dryness an issue for you in the "later" years?

Did Betty Grable have problem kids?

R91, the elegant and perpetually glamorous Joan Crawford would never say something so vulgar.

But the bitch of a bearing wall Mrs. Al balls-of Steele would say this:

Those twins of hers are dead ringers for the Grady twins in "The Shining": "come play with us, Danny. Forever… and ever… and ever."

Joan, are you squeezing a lime with your thighs under that dress, for your cocktails with Al after the twins strap themselves into bed?

Dearest Bette-

Bless you for your divine letter. Your sense of humor remains sharp. You’ve really taken the gift God gave you, humor, and built a whole career on it. The rest of us had to settle for beauty, brains, and talent. How lucky you are.

I saw All About Eve on television a few nights ago. You performance is still captivating. Margot with her neurotic behavior, neediness, bad manners, and fading career would have been a challenge for anyone else. You made it look so easy, almost like the writers had followed you around while developing the script. You undoubtedly inspired them to no end. You should be credited more for using the Method. Think how you had to recall all your experiences as a struggling actress for nearly 25 years until you were at last chosen for All About Eve to capture Margot’s lunacy. That must have taken a toll on you.

I also must tell you that I caught a performance of your almost Broadway show, Night of the Iguana. I didn’t come back stage because I thought that must be where everyone was because I had my choice of empty seats in the audience. I was even offered a free ticket, but I told them I was no better than anyone else. The usher explain they were having problems giving them away. Anyhow, you were marvelous as usual. You were hardly recognizable, which added so many layers to your efforts. A gentleman who had stumbled in the theatre mid performance was just as enraptured by you as I. After he finished off his bottle of Ripple, he looked at me and said, “Now that’s an actress”. I beamed with pride and said “Bette Davis is one of the best”. The guy was so funny. He turned to me and said. “I thought that was Susan Hayward”.

Please give your daughter V.D. a warm hello from me. I hear she is trying to spread her sunshine around the military bases in California just like you tried to do during the war. I bet she is making you so proud knowing that the soldiers are finally interested in a Davis woman. It’s amazing to see our children succeed where we didn’t, isn’t it?

Well dearest heart, I must be on my way. I have so many meetings to attend, decisions to make, and advice to provide. Again, how lucky you are to only have to make a joke about yourself or do that seat belt comedy bit to feel needed. Keep them laughing, sweet Bette. I’ll be right there laughing along with them at you!!!

Endearingly- Joan Crawford, CEO

Hi Joan,

What did Barbara Stanwyck's snatch taste like? How long did the two of you dyke it out with each other?

Who?

How old are you people?

^^^^you make a wonderful point. Perhaps you should return to the kid’s table and let the adults continue on with their conversation. You still have so much left on your coloring mat to complete!

BRILLIANT, R99! lol

Joan, weren't your daughters were darling in The Shining?

Why do your daughters know that ladies cross their legs at the ankles, because only sluts cross them at the knees, but you, Joan, rather tellingly, do not?

Agree that R99 is very funny, and clever.

Babe Darling, How lovely to hear from you. I just had a wonderful conversation with your namesake, Babe the pig, at an anniversary screening of the movie Babe. The both of you have retained your natural, earthy beauty and wonderful scene of smell, regardless of all the manure you’ve rolled around in. That’s what separates the swine from the the riff raft! How is Bill doing these days? I saw him and your brother-in-law Jock Whitney standing in line at some type of medical clinic recently. I was sure they were presenting a check, but I overheard someone in the crowd say that they were waiting on results because they shared the same piece the other night or perhaps they said pizza? I couldn’t quite hear. Please give both of them my best, as it will be a long time before I will be able to give them anything else from my person, it seems. Congrats on making the best dress lists once again! Your taste is heavenly and so modern chic. I love how you take the most elegant, luscious couture gown and make it as relatable to the simple cotton sheath of the middle class by just putting it on. Your talent for being so common, so ordinary goes beyond the surface, Babe dear. I’m envious of just how wonderful you are at blending in with common looking folks. Lastly, thank you so much for your kind words about my family photo. The girls have been raised to be lady-like down to their posture and body language. Doris Duke was so kind to teach the girls manners and poise from the perspective of someone like you, except using a smart, well traveled billionaires’ experiences. She did note that she had tried to do the same with you, but that “you must have a unhinged spring in your pelvic area because your legs could never stay closed”. I do hope you have that checked out by a trained doctor. Your many plastic surgeons are lovely people Babe, but they don’t have expertise in diseases of old money whores who try to warm their cold cunts through inbreeding. I must go for now, love. I have many meaningful, rewarding career offers to explore. You are so fortunate that you don’t have to fill your days with anything of value or have to create a sense of self worth or respect for yourself. Just being you is enough for all of the staff who are paid to be in your company.

Best- Joan Steele

Hedda Dear-

A quick letter as I have to dash off to an event. Yes, I was squeezing a lime. I was trying to be discrete, but I should have known that someone like you who is an expert at squeezing the last bit of career relevancey from small and bitter sources would notice. We must lunch soon. I found a wonderful hat of thorns and barbwire that will really bring out those hidden female genes of yours. J.C.

[quote]My condolences on the loss of your homosexual son

I can't stop giggling over this line.

Joan, Actress Person:

So happy Doris could teach your poor girls a few manners.

It must made a welcome, and certainly novel, diversion from you teaching them to make sidecars for their "uncles."

#BeBest

did you really push your hubby down a flight of stairs?

My friend and I were trying to think of what roles Joan might have played, had she not gotten cancer and died, but perhaps lived another decade. I thought she'd have been a fabulous Miss Shuster in The Swarm, or perhaps even taken over for June Havoc as Steve Guttenberg's mother in Can't Stop the Music. Maybe just the right kind of Roz in 9 to 5. Joan could have played the smouldering attraction she undoubtedly would have had for her boss under a thin veneer of icy professionalism. Or perhaps she'd have stolen the role of Captain Lewis from Eileen Brennan and gone on to a late career Oscar nomination and finally a television series.

The list does go on.

Dearest Joan:

In the 1960s, did you dry your wigs on your shower rod or did you throw them in the dryer and risk losing almost $7?

Concerned and Fashionable Fan

[quote]It must made a welcome

It must HAVE made.

Sorry, I'm a drunk.

Not, of course, the type of drunk you are: I can still notice when I've been sloppy.

Cheers, dear.

R112, she would have done the Primetime Soap thing like all the others. I'm picturing Joan guest starring on Falcon Crest and going up against Angela Channing.

R 112, I’ve often thought about what her career could have been like as well, had she not died when she did. It would have been awesome to see her re-teamed with Davis in something not horror. I’d also think she could have been taken more seriously if she’d been in a show like Maude or Soap. She would have become au current again, possibly even becoming a television legend

Mrs Steele,

Where can I purchase a 'sleep safe' for my adopted son?

Babe Dear, of course you are drunk. It’s always been part of your charm and by all accounts, your family’s heritage. Please be careful not to spill any on your beautiful carpet. We have heard your “he should have spilled it on my polished wood floor while flashing your shaved vagina” joke so many times that it’s a bit of overkill. Be blessed and hopefully in time, revelvant, Joan

Joan would have been outstanding on Falcon Crest!

Dear Fan, I treat my hairpieces like the wonderful friends they are. Each day, I comb them with gentle care and concern, using a Steele brush made with an old Pepsi Bottle and Bette Davis’s toenails. Next, I soak them in Smirnoff, making sure to drink the excess as not to waste a drop. Once I am sufficiently lit, I then place them on a heating rack in my oven while I listen to the Autumn Leaves soundtrack album and softy cry. After an hour or so, I pull them out of the oven, give them a shake, and select one to wear to the Cockpit’s Fisting Competition as a guest judge. I get many compliments on my hairpieces and their likeness to the heavy bushes found on woman in the 1970s. It’s wonderful to remind people of pleasant times!

Gratefully, Joan Crawford

[quote]My darling Joan, my toddlers are behaving in an increasingly obstreperous fashion, can you recommend a good boarding school?

Amateur.

[quote]My friend and I were trying to think of what roles Joan might have played, had she not gotten cancer and died, but perhaps lived another decade.

I can totally see Joan raw-dogging on Temptation Island

And then blogging about it when she gets kicked off for stealing drugs and fighting (wearing her white gloves for Daytime, of course)

JC waiting for the Cast transport to Temptation Island

R99 and r120 are in the lead so far, though different styles which makes it even more fun. This is so fucking great!

If Joan had lived I would have loved to seen her do the film version of 'Night, Mother', not with Sissy Spacek, though, Bonnie Franklin would have been a better fit as her daughter (Of course, Joan would think she was being cast as the daughter).

Didn't Joan used to sign all her letters, 'Bless you'?

It would be cheap and horrible of me...

to feel superior about my impeccable manners,

or my extensive knowledge of grammar, punctuation, and syntax, all demonstrated in my beautiful hand-written notes and other correspondence...

when some of my co-stars are barely literate...

Why some of them write on the backs of scripts and used envelopes, and they don't even own a basic stationery wardrobe!

^^^^^Bless you, sweet fan for remembering how your favorite DL Icon and Mother of the Year winner approaches her work as a legend. I will always remain humble and most appreciative of the gays and their worship of me. Blessings, Joan

Poor Bette, her primary form of communication is screaming vulgar obscenities while smoking like a chimney and wearing her dingy old nightgown...

Who the fuck sends a thank you card for a Christmas card??

My dear, dear, quirky, Bette,

Please don't be cross with me.

I would never intentionally ignore you or refuse to greet you warmly in public and in private.

it's just that when I saw you across the room, I mistook you for one of those delightful Drag Queens, who seem to enjoy dressing like you and imitating you so much.

Bless you and your thrifty New England household,

Dear Mrs. Steele:

There's a rumor going around all the maids and for clarity's sake we'd like you to confirm or deny it. Is it true you pay Lottie $30 per week plus all the bacon grease and old Vogue magazines she can cart away? For a woman of your supposed wealth and position, this seems a bit exploitive.

[quote]Who the fuck sends a thank you card for a Christmas card??

Early June: While having lunch in 21 in New York, Joan see actress Carol Lawrence come in and has a restaurant captain give Lawrence a note which reads; "Dear Miss Lawrence, you are the most beautiful woman, dancer, singer and actress. My deep, deep admiration"​​.

Lawrence sends a note back to Joan that reads; "Just when I was about to ask for your autograph, and ​now I have it".​

Carol Lawrence dined out on this story for decades - it was highlight of her career.

Great thread, but still not as good as the guy who encountered homophobic thugs at Whole Foods, who then proceeded to sexually molest and humiliate our hero.

Dear Mrs. Steele,

Must I restrict myself to a "splash" of vodka when cooking?

Dear, sweet Frances,

While I am always the well-mannered and stylishly turned-out woman, Frances, you should never mistake my grace and gentility for weakness.

You see, my dear, you are only a cuckoo bird who has to wear the same old straight-jacket day after day in a rubber room that even Billy Baldwin couldn't brighten up. You shouldn't be allowed to hold a pen, much less use one to write a letter to me.

If you bother me again, my dear, I'll have them turn up the voltage your Electro Convulsive Therapy sessions. And you won't even be able to drool on stationery.

That is a promise, my dear.

Bless you, and may all your hopeless dreams keep you well-occupied.

Dear Mrs Steele Have you had my problem? What did you do?

MS. Steele -

Is it true you began your career as Norma Shearer's stunt cunt?

R139, R140,

Don't fuck me with me, Fellas.

This ain't my first rodeo.

Dearest, Most Darling Joan:

When you crawl under you tubby, old husband to get your penthouse, does it remind you more of:

1. When you were a prostitute screwing old customers to get your groceries; or

2. When you were at MGM screwing old directors/producers to get your parts?

Really, Norma?

Project much, Mrs Irving Thalberg?

As if, Norma Shearer Fucking Thalberg...

[quote]Dearest, Most Darling Joan:

P.S. R142

You might want to learn how to write a salutation correctly, dear.

At least when delicate Irving departed, he left me with oodles of cash and MGM stock, not an apartment mortgaged to some soda company.

Dearest Joan may have played the game a long time.

But I played the long game.

[quote]Norma Shearer, Queen of the MGM Lot

Interesting, Norma.

And how many people today would even recognize your name?

Face it, Norma, you and Irving were the Mia Farrow/Woody Allen of the 1930s.

[quote]Face it, Norma, you and Irving were the Mia Farrow/Woody Allen of the 1930s.

What a droll analogy, as it was you, Joan -- not us -- who abused children.

We just effortlessly ignored ours.

Joan - Norma. Stop fighting. You're both pretty.

[quote]Norma Shearer, Queen of the MGM Lot Lizards

There, I fixed it for you, dear.

Joan:

Just want you to know that I don't repeat a word of all the DREADFUL things everyone at Warners -- and MGM -- say about you. Not a word.

I was raised better than that. And, apparently, you.

Dear Mrs. Steele,

I’m writing to let you know how much I enjoyed your performance in the film “Tramp, Tramp, Tramp.”

It was autobiographical, correct?

Love always!

It's so reassuring to see that you haven't changed, Norma.

Now, I must go to be with my family.

And you must have some reruns of "Matlock" to watch.

Oh Norma, FFS, leave Joan alone.

You think just because you made a little money you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady.

But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump whose father lived over a grocery store and whose mother took in washing.

Crawfish:

When you designed your dream penthouse, why did you make it so there wasn't a single guest room ... when you have two children around 10 years old?

Is it true the virtually homeless twins would stay with a nanny in a nearby hotel during vacations from school?

[quote]Is it true the virtually homeless twins would stay with a nanny in a nearby hotel during vacations from school?

Oh Joan, you ARE my celebrity guardian angel.

I'm lighting a candle for you in the Pageant Room tonight.

Dearest Norma- Has it really been ages since we last laid eyes on each other, well my two eyes and your one good eye? Darling, how could we have allowed your eyes, but not our paths to have crossed after all this time? We must both really try to focus our sight, no matter how hard it may be for one of us, on walking a straight path to lasting friendship! How have you been, dearest heart? After Irving passed, it was like you had no reason to exist? Never allow yourself to think that way, no matter how he tried to change or enhance you, you were always the simple girl from the plains whose beauty was equally or even more so as plain and simple. Your legend will be remembered so lovingly by the many tens of people who attend $1.00 Forgotten Females movie night on Wednesdays and Thursdays at theaters near the girlie shows and glory holes on 13th Avenue. How proudly your Hurrell photograph will loom only a few blocks away from the au current artwork for Debbie Does Dallas: A Nude Beginning and John Holmes: Searching for Semen Part III. Be proud of the fact that your contributions to cinema have taken you around the same blocks as aging working girls, lonely homosexuals, and the occasional negro heroin addict looking for his lost needle. I received a fan letter recently about our wonderful movie The Women. The fan had such lovely things to say about us, Norma. He so loved Roz’s comedic timing, my spunky performance as Crystal, and of course Adrian’s gorgeous gowns. However, he kept talking about the transsexual actress whose acting was so over the top and quite distracting. He said it was so forward thinking of us to include such a horrible looking tranny, but that no amount of makeup or sex with the studio boss who married her could make the “shim” a great actress. Do you know who he was referring to? I looked through my scripts and cast lists and couldn’t find who he was talking about. Oh, by the way, I so remember how deep and earthly your voice was in that movie. How honored you much feel to know that the Jolly Green Giant was modeled after your voice. I’m sure you inspired the creators of the Giant in many other ways as well. Well my lovely friend, I simply must dash. I’m preparing for several studio projects, being honored by the Golden Globes, and being showcased at the White House as part of a “Legends of Hollywood: The Great Actresses” event. Would you like for me to see if I can get you on the wait list for tickets? Do try to get out more, dearest Norma. It would be such a treat for the public to meet one of Hollywood’s oldest, former actresses. They won’t believe their eyes and neither will your good one.

God Bless You Dear- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

W & W R156 - brilliant!

[quote]Darling, how could we have allowed your eyes, but not our paths to have crossed after all this time?

I'm giggling again.

[quote]may all your hopeless dreams keep you well-occupied.

I just may have to steal that.

Dear Widow Steele:

Thank you for your message's clarity. I have always admired people who clearly showed their emotions, and it's commendable you can do that in writing even if such an ability escaped you onscreen.

I will have you know I am no longer (falsely imprisoned) in the Steilacoom Asylum, but employed on my own television show that broadcasts out of our great city of Indionapolis. I am in the thick of things, Joan, interviewing local and visiting celebs, as well as introducing films on our movie cannel.

I have also proudly embraced my lesbianism, something I would encourage you yourself to explore. I always got the impression you were grasping for something just out of reach in a̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ life, and perhaps that is it.

Best wishes - and I would love to have you on the show next time you're in town (though I have a strong feeling we'll be booked up.)

Marlon Brando said that Joan had smelly cigarette breath.

You know, I worked in the legitimate theater with dear Franchot, and he said Joan could smoke them from any orifice.

It may have been the collective buildup that bothered Mr. Brando.

I always sucked on mints between puffs. Joan didn't.

Joan sucked cocks between puffs.

joan's cunt was infamous for a big red wart that sat right at the top of the cunthole entrance…..she loved having it nibbled on by her suitors and paid escorts....no sucky no money....she was a tuff bitch who needed nightly wart stimulation to achieve pussygasm...

[quote] have always admired people who clearly showed their emotions, and it's commendable you can do that in writing even if such an ability escaped you onscreen.

I like, FF.

Sick burn on Joan.

Lottie, please show Miss Farmer to the door.

Her ride to CrazyTown is clearly here.

(And don't forget to pat her down for my valuables

Loretta Young? Ha! You are a spoiled, indulgent girl, and a blemish on public decency.

Dear Mrs. Steele,

What are your thoughts on the late Judy Garland?

Dear Frances-

Thank you for your letter. Those handwriting classes you are taking while “on vacation” are really paying off. Your last letter was nearly legible, with only a few scrawling and strange scribbles, symbols, and references to the UFOs. How proud you must be that your hard work is paying off! I’m sure it will be no time before your writings are as close to presentable as they can ever be.

I saw some lovely photos of you just last week in Hedda’s column. Your look was electrifying, dear! That famous Farmer far-away stare as if you are not even a mortal on planet earth shined so brightly. It was as if you were on a soundstage. When I read these were photos of you “on vacation” going for a 72 hour observation appointment, I was even more impressed with your commitment to being a star, even while taking “a rest”. Tell me, dearest heart, where did you find that divine jacket you had on? It looked like a Herve Leger wrap dress, but in jacket form? I couldn’t tell where your arms and hands were, perhaps you were reaching for something behind you back? Anyway, it was so straight to your figure, the buckles and locks gave it such a chic look!!! Frances dear, I must be going. I’m polishing sliver for a wonderful party I’m throwing next week. How lucky that you are seeking solitude while “on vacation” by being locked away in a tightly appointed room. You also don’t have to worry about hurting your self with anything sharp, like fine sliver, plastic, or any other utensil that a human would use. I’m so envious. Your gaunt figure and hollow cheeks will be your reward!

Continued rest and lobotomy loads of love-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Mommie Dearest ,

I wanted you to know how much , I appreciate ALL you did for me and Christopher growing up. nobody could have been a better role model. You , Mommie Dearest , are the GREATEST STAR IN THE WORLD !

I beg you to please IGNORE ,any rumors you hear about this little article I'm writing for The Readers Digest.

LOVE AND KISSES ALWAYS.

When I asked you to call me Mommie Dearest, r171, I wanted you to mean it!

Dearest Joan:

One of my maids just showed me your letter from across the conservatory. Oh, how I almost wanted to know what it said. I promise to find out not a moment past June 7, 1978. Of course, by then, you will have joined your career in an embarrassing, yet welcome, death.

I couldn’t help but notice that your once passable penmanship, truly your only outward sign of ever having stepped inside a prairie schoolroom, has deteriorated markedly. Why must acute alcoholism not be content to simply be the ruin of your once lovely (if lit with excruciating care) face, but must also go after your thank-you notes? Such a dreadful scourge. My maid speculated that your handwriting was so erratic, so jagged, that you may have written in the throes of the heaving convulsions of withdrawal. Oh, how this made me laugh. I assured her: “While Joan is often without a line, she is never without a Stoli.”

I look forward to reading your letter. Because of it, I shall enjoy the novelty of not forgetting you after your death. Thank you for that, dear heart. In death you shall be the thing that so strenuously eluded you in life: thoughtful.

With a Degree of Fondness that is Much Deserved,

Norma Shearer, Queen of the MGM Lot

P. S. They asked me at 21 last night if I would have the “Joan Crawford” special. But, out of respect for my dear Irving, I still never eat ham.

Joan,

Why were you always putting the moves on the female help?

R86 wins.

Thank you, R175

Some aspects of life were great then. Proper dress, proper manners. If we could only pick and choose what modern life could be.

R177, I agree most wholeheartedly!

We must re-double our efforts to bring back good manner, appropriate clothing, and general good decorum. I suggest you all buy my book "My Way of Life", from Simon and Schuster Publishers, and you'll find it at all good bookstores.

Now here's a sample of some of the 'tough love' advice that I offer in my book:

1. "Scrubbing, for me, is the greatest exercise in the world. It gives me rosy cheeks, and I just have a ball.”

2. "I sit on hard chairs -- soft ones spread the hips."

3. "“When I plan a menu I consider color. . . . A red vegetable next to a yellow one looks unappetizing. Two white ones, like celery and cauliflower, look awful.”

4. "If every woman could walk into her husband's office and see how many beautiful women pass his desk every day, it would give her something to think about."

5. "Moisturizer is probably the most blessed invention of the past two decades."

I hope you're all sufficiently inspired by my wisdom - now let's get cracking!

Vineger, Lysol, Stoli, or Helenesque -- What's your preferred douche with water?

[quote]2. "I sit on hard chairs -- soft ones spread the hips."

Joan, it wasn't spreading the hips that made you famous.

Dear R 169-

Thank you for asking me about my memories and musings of the great, late Judy Garland. Her legacy will remain incredible, although somewhat overshadowed by her equally incredible descent into every plummer’s dream, unclogging the last bowel movement of a world famous star from their luxury toilet.

Judy and I had many memorable moments together. When I couldn’t sleep, she would call me and sing Over the Rainbow:Judy’s Remix. Her voice softly singing, “Somewhere over Jenkins Pharmacy, where the pills are free and tons of straight dick await me” would bring me to a sweet, if not strange dreamland. She was a giving friend, wasn’t she? I can also remember the night of her big comeback concert Carnegie Hall in NY. All those rabid homosexuals lining the stage to get a chance to steal her last paid for pair of Ferragamo pumps. She was so turned on by the sight of the boys in their tight pants. I remember telling her to not waste her time pursuing them. Her response was “It was good enough for momma”. Sadly, that night the only thing that got laid in her hotel room were several more stacks of unpaid bills on her vanity table. L.B. Mayer was just as cruel to her, calling her his poor man’s version of Francis the Talking Mule, pointing to her midsection and asking how many loads of family Gumm balls had she taken for bus fair to Hollywood for her and her family. Not that Judy didn’t have her issues. She used to make fun of the actress Deanna Durban and her unibrow on all the talk shows. Everyone knows that Judy couldn’t be trusted with a razor and that the studio paid one of the midgets from Oz to use a midget razor on her brows when she was passed out. Take a look at Judy’s costume for Summer Stock, it’s just a jacket and top hat. Her bush was so overgrown that the midget wouldn’t touch it and pants wouldn’t fit over it. The studio was forced to let her dance pant-less and put her pussy in shadow as much as possible. She still performed like a trooper or like a someone trying to escape a five star hotel without paying...... I am envious that Judy managed to raise one daughter who, while living off the Garland name, that has a respectable career on her own. My three girls barely managed to learn how to wipe themselves. This was especially hard for darling Christina, who has a lifelong battle of being so full of shit that it bursts forth from her mouth anytime she needs money to pay her utilities.

Thanks again, for taking a walk down memory lane with me. Rest in Pills, darling Judy.

Be Blessed- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

There is genius here in Datalounge. Beautifully done, r181. Just WOW.

Mrs. Steele,

Thank you for your rembrances of Judy.

Question: did she really know if happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow? And why oh why could she not?

Dear Mrs. Steele,

How do you feel about those messy tell all novels that are all the rage these days? I, for one, think they are tacky tacky tacky. Why would people air their dirty laundry in such a way?

Your #1 Fan -

Mrs. Herbert Rawlins

May I propose a toast?

Dear Mrs. Steele,

I wonder if you are aware that you must hit return twice to make a paragraph break on this site? Otherwise, the text just runs together as if you intended it to be one big mush, which, of course, is quite impossible.

Forgive my impertinence.

Very truly,

No one of importance.

^^^Darling, thank you for your note of support and advice. How thoughtful of you. God bless and warmest wishes for a beautiful spring.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Mrs. Rawlins-

Many thanks for your lovely note of March 22nd. I so enjoy when one of my many legions of fans ask for my advice and thoughts. It’s one of the ways that I can connect to them, even though my pristine and sterilized world doesn’t ever have to come in physical contact with them. Fingerprints, affection, and dirty children aren’t my thing, you know?

As to your note, I find any type of dirty laundry repugnant. My mother, who was a CEO of a very successful laundry establishment, taught me at an early age to never air dirty laundry, especially other people’s. Why, I could have told many wives about lipstick stains on collars of the local politician’s shirts I scrubbed, I mean our laundry staff scrubbed. The staff couldn’t keep count of the many ripped panties, skirts, and brassieres that I repaired, I mean they repaired, on lonely Saturday afternoons while mother was away performing medical procedures with dirty wire hangers. Yet, we never aired any dirty laundry. It just wasn’t lady like.

As you know, I have written two wonderful and very successful books about my life as an acclaimed actress, business woman, and mother to poor, orphan children with no hope of ever finding love. I’ve given all of you an unfiltered view of my life with no tree left unmoved so as to hide dirt. My oldest, Christina, likes to say that I’ll always have the last word. She’s right. I’ve said it all so that no one will ever have to say anything after I am gone.

Ever Yours-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

[quote]I’ve given all of you an unfiltered view of my life with no tree left unmoved so as to hide dirt.

Speaking of that Mrs. Steele, it is true you were the third choice, after Judy Garland and Susan Hayward, to play the 'Aging Actress' role in "Valley of the Dolls"

Dear Helen L-

Yes, I was asked to play the role of “Aging Actress” in Valley. It would have required extensive make-up, lighting, and a total suspension from reality for an audience to believe that I could be an aging actress. It would have also required much extensive research on my part. Neither Bette, Olivia, Norma, or Greer were available for me to follow them around for the six months of pre-production needed to embody the role. However, Susan ultimately was the perfect choice. She only had to show up on set and wait for action in order to convince the audience she really was Mrs. Lawson!

Blessings- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

[quote]Neither Bette, Olivia, Norma, or Greer were available for me to follow them around for the six months of pre-production needed to embody the role.

Was Wonky-Eyed Norma still breathing when "Valley of the Dolls" was in pre-production?

Surely her dead ass had gone to the Big Studio in the Sky by then.

Dear Mrs. Steele,

I simply adored you in your latest picture. I know you have said that you care very little about awards, but I do hope that you are nominated. On another note, I am always in awe of your style and grace in your interviews. I have been unable to find anything about your educational background. I have a bet with one of the gals in bridge club that based on the way you carry yourself that you are a Miss Porter's Girl. Will you confirm? There is a lunch at the club riding on this one. My daughter Bibi has been accepted and I can only hope that she becomes such a sweetheart like you.

Always,

Mrs. Edward Barnes Thorpe IV

Dear Mrs. Steele:

Tell me, Mrs. Steele, what do you think of the modern fashion dictum that one's mustn't be "too matchy-matchy"?

Sincerely yours;

A. Nobody

Mrs. Thorpe-

Lovely to hear from you once again. Your many requests for information about my personal life, grooming, and clothing choices are as frequent and some might say, as delightful, as an interview with Confidential.

I see that you continue to enjoy membership at clubs mainly patronized by women whose husbands are away during the day, earning a respectful living. I remember hearing about those type of clubs from a neighbor of mine, Sappho Dykeson. My, it is very forward thinking of you to allow your impressionable daughter to serve her muffin(s) to the other ladies while they munch about on the carpeted floors.

How divine it must be for all of you to have no personal ambition or need to be useful to society. I’m so glad that you have my movies to see how the other half lives. My portrayals of shop girls who do well, shop girls who marry well, shop girls who have fallen down a well, and shop girls who steal well really provide you with hours of education to fill your hours of pampered and pussyfooting about.

Miss Porter’s is a lovely school. I did not attend her establishment for reasons that are well known to her. My oldest daughter is currently attending Chadwick School for Girls. It is provides training on classical beers and spirits, interpersonal relationship building with the boys, and opportunities for developing enterprise skills through project-based learning; like scrubbing toilets. Christina simply adores it there. She has become quite popular. I know one day she will make me so proud by becoming a successful business woman just like me. Her past experiences, including her time at Chadwick, will be something to write home about one day!

Please pick up a copy of my book, “My Way of Life” for answers to your latest round of questions. While inexpensive, it offers a wealth of knowledge for someone like you who seems to want to get the milk without paying for the cow, dearest heart.

Blessings to you and to Bibi. Congrats on her being accepted to the conversion camp. I’m sure she will correct those tendencies in no time!

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Joan, did you ever feel snubbed for an Oscar nomination and what are your feelings on the award today? I mean, you just have to look at some of the more recent winners to see that class is no longer a prerequisite to being a winner.

Would you care to comment on the (rather nasty) allegations that you may, in some way, cost Ms. Davis her third triumph?

Finally (and I know you're a busy lady!) do you still stand by your comments about dear Marilyn Monroe now she's passed over?

Dear A. Nobody-

My carpet has always matched my drapes. Mr. Steele, CEO of Pepsi Cola, prefers that as well as having a full, luxurious carpet to dive head first in when we arrives home.

Knowing this, I always match my wardrobe very closely. I want to stand out in a room, not be covered in black or drab grey like a homely girl who only gets asked for blowjobs behind a wall at the truck stop. Bette told me about these type of girls. I’m still praying for them.

Be bold, be daring, and be aware that you might one day blend in with the wallpaper if you enjoy matching as much as I!

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Miss Crawford,

Christina has received a number of demerits recently, so I asked our Guidance Counselor to speak with her. Your daughter has shared a most distressing story about one of her "uncles" visiting her bedroom late at night while you were, how shall we put this politely, unavailable.

I do not know what to make of this story as I cannot imagine someone of your position "drinking vodka until she was passed out and slobbering on the floor like a limp rag" (Christina's account). We would like to address this matter as quickly as possible.

As you are aware, our honor code has strict penalties for young ladies who lie. Christina has been an exceptional child, I do hope there is some way to clear this up.

Sincerely Yours,

Thelma Biddle, Headmistress

Dear R 195-

How blessed am I that yours is the last letter I will be responding to this evening. As you noted, my schedule never ceases to be filled with appointments, photo sessions, and interviews. I remain envious of my girlfriends who’ve had interest in them completely disappear. They are truly living the life of anonymity, awkwardness, and relaxation.

As to your questions, dear lamb, let me begin by saying I am most grateful for my Oscar. It’s the only man I have ever changed my person for and will ever do so. It was a risk taking the role of a frump who couldn’t keep a man and had to work in grease to make a living. Truly, Bette Davis or Olivia would have been the obvious choice given their supreme talent in roles like Mildred. Why Bette would have only had to powder down her usual oil-slicked face and rolled her bug eyes at Ann Byth to win the part. How fortunate I was that the director wanted someone who could “become” Mildred instead of “be” her.

I’ve never felt snubbed by the Academy. I knew that the Academy really tried to help those less fortunate looking and less talented actresses feel good about themselves for at least a night. It’s the equivalent of schools who have a “special prom” for retarded children, you know. I was so very happy to see the years when this happened. Just take a look at the winners for the 35 and 49 Oscars. Even though they couldn’t control their bowel movements, speak clearly, and had difficulty not drooling on stage, their beaming blank faces say enough!

Bette deserved to win for Jane. Her performance was brilliant. She really had to dial it back from her daily way of being to play a lunatic who wears too much makeup, and sings off-key. Bob would work with her each day prior to the day’s shooting telling her to “be less you and more Jane” or “Bette, have you taken away some of that make-up to look more like Jane?”. She was so committed to the role that instead of wearing extra padding to show Jane’s girth, she for went vanity and took off her many girdles to give Jane extra, uh, bounce. That’s dedication.

I do stand behind my comments on Ms. Monroe. She was a wanton slut who died as she lived, nude and trying to figure out who the man in the shadows was wearing a mask. Even though the trash man only runs in Brentwood in Tuesday and Friday, she was lucky that he was around to carry off Ms. Monroe on the Sunday morning of her death.

I must dash now, my love. Blessings to you and yours.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Bravo, R198, you made me laugh out loud.

[quote]I have a bet with one of the gals in bridge club that based on the way you carry yourself that you are a Miss Porter's Girl.

You may collect on that bet with your friend, Mrs. Thorpe.

I was, indeed, one of Miss Porter's Girls.

Now gather around, gentle readers, and let me dispense more words of eternal wisdom from my book - "My Way of Life" from Simon and Schuster publisher and available at your local bookstores.

"All the beauty products in the world can't disguise a disagreeable expression. Have you ever noticed that when you say 'no' you begin to resemble a prune-faced schoolmarm?"

Questions anyone?

Norma Shearer, did you have a question?

Norma, I'm still over here.

Yoohoo, Norma!

Mrs. Steele,

I’m hosting an intimate supper party next week. Friends from Denmark, a few artists, some bright young actresses and some Instagram fitness models. I’m thinking of just the right menu, can you advise? Several of the guests will be very attractive, is it too forward of me to request they dress demurely? Some of the young men pose many photos in revealing swimsuits and other attire on their social media accounts. I fear my businessmen guests may get distracted. Can you assist? Thank you for your time.

Dear, dear Anonymous,

How lovely to hear from you again. You are such a regular correspondent, and I am sure everyone finds your questions interesting.

As for your dinner menu, all of you know how I like to serve a colorful, flavorful Spanish Paella. A heady mixture chicken, crab, crayfish, sausages, vegetables, and saffron rice - my guests always seem to enjoy my Paella.

With regard to how your guests dress for your dinner party, you, as the hostess, may certainly advise your guest on the level of formality. You might describe your party on the invitation as a "casual dinner party" or a "semi-formal sit down dinner".

As I've famously said - I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door. Beyond that, dear, I tend to avoid giving personal advice to my friends and guests about something so personal as how modestly they chose to dress.

Why look at my dear friend, Bette - she often wears some shiny house dress that looks as if it came from a Charity Shop clothing drive. With her low bosom, protruding belly, spindly legs, you might think Bette would be self-conscious about her appearance - but on the contrary, I have seen dear chain-smoking, hard-drinking Bette dominate many a social affair with her cackling laugh and her off-color stories. Some men are attracted to that, you know.

So you do you, dear, and let your guests be themselves. And may your dinner party be a wonderful, convivial evening where you make many happy memories with your guests,

I often try to think, "What would I enjoy?", when I'm planning a party.

I can see from R204's photo that Joan had the problem of her lipstick bleeding into the deep wrinkles and lines on her lips

* R205, the photo at R205 - Joan's bleeding lipstick

Sorry

Remember, make sure you're photographed from a flattering angle, girls.

Good foundation garments are essential.

Dear Mrs. Steele:

You should be fined out your Texas white trash ass for making that girdle do such tremendously hard labor. Holding in that raggedy ass, vodka soaked gunt is tantamount to slave labor.

Tsk. Tsk. Shame. Shame.

Dear, dear Bette,

I thought I smelled stale cigarette smoke, saggy breasts, and envy...

Dearest Mrs. Steele:

People refer to Bette Davis as Hollywood's first feminist or an actor's actor or earthy. How do they refer to you?

Fondly,

CZ in Tallahassee

Mrs. Steele,

I’m a long-time admirer of your work, from acting, to fashion, to maintaining a lifestyle designed around beauty and graciousness, you are my role model. I humbly ask for your advice. I worked so hard to give my daughters access to all the fine things I did not have growing up. Perhaps my husband and I were over zealous. Our eldest daughter has taken some recent bad news in the worst way, publicly saying i’ve ruined her life. What is one to do?

[quote]You should be fined out your Texas white trash ass for making that girdle do such tremendously hard labor. Holding in that raggedy ass, vodka soaked gunt is tantamount to slave labor.

Just so long as you didn't mention my camel toe...

Dearest Joan:

Did they ever find out who scrawled this on the gate?

I asked Irving, but he said there were simply too many suspects.

How embarrassing for you, had you any shame.

Whoever she, ur, they, are, she, ur, they have lovely penmanship, no?

Probably just some maladjusted studio guard, Norma dear.

You were fucking them all, so I expect you MAY have known his name.

TRUE STORY: Joan wanted to sue over that graffiti calling her a whore, but her attorney told her that truth is an absolute defense.

Broderick Crawford was a whore?!

Also, R217, her attorney was Gary Morton...

Hello Security, please bring all of the guards who have been 'involved' with Miss Shearer in.

Yes, I'm in the LARGE conference room.

Hello Security, please bring all people on the lot who have been 'involved' with Miss Crawford.

Don't worry. I'm at the LA Coliseum. We can put the overflow in the parking area.

Ladies... ladies... you're both whores.

Oh, Grace, at least we stopped for lunch.

Dear Miss Crawford:

Long-time fan (truly, you are my idol), first-time writer.

Your fastidiousness is legend; your home spotless.

Can you give me tips on getting blood out of a St. John wool suit? And semen out of a tiny vagina.

Thanking you in advance,

Dear R 212-

Yes, Bette Davis brought about many, many firsts in her lustrous career. Just like the pioneer horses, rabid dogs, and pack mules from which her people came, Bette blazed numerous bareback trails across the bedposts of many a married man and woman in Hollywood. Indeed, Bette was nearly insatiable in her quest to be on top, taken from the side, plowed in a reverse cowgirl, and any other position of power from which to find success in the movies. She truly took the many, many loads of work right to her brow and sometimes to her face that were needed for her to become who she is so rightfully known as.

I also commend her work as a feminist. No one who knew Bette as closely as I, would have thought she would be the face of anything female. Her appeal was so universal, so asexual, so every (trans) man that to be thought of as a woman of character and importance really shows how she could mount, I mean surmount, anything in her way. With her five o’clock shadow, bowed legs, and musky, earthy scent, Bette undoubtedly brought a leadership quality to women’s liberation that women related to, men were envious of, and a few questioning men were strangely tingled by.

God bless dear Bette for taking the downturn in her career and the public’s lack of interest in her acting and using it to launch herself as a Sappho of the Sixties! She always had the classic, ruined and ravaged look about her that mythological sites that now inspire in us.

A Blessed Spring to You- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

No r200. You were one of MISTER Porter's girls.

Ha, ha, what a wicked sense of humor you have, R221.

The LA Coliseum indeed.

Ahem, if you ladies are done arguing, can someone help me? Some of us have issues related to current events, as opposed to things my great grandmother may have witnessed last century...

Yes, Lori dear,

I had no intention of ignoring you. One has responsibilities, you see, and my Social Secretary has been indisposed as of late.

As for your troubled daughter, I believe some discipline and 'tough love' is what may be required here. Give that a try and let me know if it works for you.

Bless you and what I hope will soon be your happy household,

Mrs. Steele,

I’m curious if you have any advice for that lovely young businesswoman Elizabeth Holmes, who has seemed to had a tough time of late. I thought her make-up and hairstyle was atrocious. Maybe you could advise her on a makeover?

Dear Mrs Steele, You look like someone who would understand the importance of protecting the seats in your automobile from unmentionable fluids. Do you use Fingerhut automotive seat covers in your cars? Thanks, Heywood Jablome

Dear Heywood Jablome,

I would like to answer your question.

If you could just tell exactly what a 'Fingerhut' is, dear?

Be Blessed,

P.S. I generally rely on Taxi Cabs here n the city.

Mrs. Steele,

When does one know the exact right time to walk away from her career?

Cordially,

-Reg Myan

Dear R 230-

I would never dare to venture an opinion about a common person’s attire and grooming. They can’t be expected to be placed on the same glamorous pedestal as say, me or.....well...me. The amount of work that would be required to take them from a comfortable 2 to a 10 isn’t feasible for everyone. My dear friends Norma and Bette are examples of girls who fought diligently to move from a 2 and now the reward for them is that they have valiantly channeled their energies elsewhere.

Speaking of, perhaps Ms. Holmes should look for work behind the camera like craft services or even stunt work. She certainly has the highly sought after body and expandable girth required of a revered craft services manager or person needed for dangerous stunts. If she is determined to be in front of the camera, I hear that a new type of cinema called fetish film might be her calling. My young friends tell me that this type of film can make anyone and I do mean anyone famous among a certain moviegoer. They can do so much with latex these days, she could really find her calling with the gag and gut crowd!

Fondly- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Fan 233-

If I had a nickel everytime someone asked me that question, I wouldn’t have to take so many empties to the Pepsi recycling plant to buy plastic covers. If I had a nickel for everytime people followed my advice to pack it in, well, I wouldn’t have to create press and public attention for myself by answering the homosexual’s letters on a site called “The Data Lounge”.

As to your question, I think the public tells a star when it is time to exit stage left and twinkle somewhere across the great beyond. It a conversation that I have heard go in between many, many stars who sadly, either didn’t have their hearing aids in or whose vanity became their worst enemy. Marilyn, Jane, Elizabeth, Norma, Greta, Greer, Judy, and even little Shirley Temple had these conversations with their audiences, when the audiences stop showing up to their movies, asking for their autographs, or simply tired of their “acting”. Yet, these stars continue on living in a parody-ridden and pathetic existence, desperately begging an audience to look at them. I know an actress who I will call Dette Bavis who is the worse example of this type of behavior. She records badly received albums of her bellowing out songs written for young, attractive singers, poses for glamorous Blackgama ads when everyone knows the back she was born with is even hairier than the mink she wears, and tries to stay current by barely walking across a talk show stage to talk about her times on the Mayflower or performing at the Salem Witch Trials. Indeed Dette Bavis should exit gracefully from the our collective vision, while she can still see to do so.

In a nutshell, dearest heart, We all have a point where it’s time to transition to private citizenry. You for one will never see me play a girl younger than 24 in a role because while it would certainly would be believable, it just isn’t lady-like.

Baskets of Blessings

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Mrs Steele

I heard today that Olivia DeHavilland is about to begin a new movie with your former co-star Bette Davis. Something set in Louisiana, I believe. Sounds intriguing! Any advice for dear Olivia?

[quote]In a nutshell, dearest heart, We all have a point where it’s time to transition to private citizenry.

I read that Joan used to dial "0" to call the Operator, and she would begin, "This is Joan Crawford, dear. Please get me..."

Joan would also ask the NYC cab drivers to turn on the taxi dome light when she was in a cab at night, so her public could see her.

Two active Joan Crawford threads!

I'm in heaven...

My Dear Mrs. Steele,

Whence I first laid eyes on your piercing, stately visage, gazing through to my innermost soul from the pages of the “Redbook” I casually perused as my darling Marco restored the sprightly spring to my tenacious tendrils, I shuddered. Deep in the deepest depths of my soul, I knew this...this EMPOWERED woman....this devoted lifemate to a successful, loving (but thoroughly weak) man....this exacting domestic engineer...was destined to guide my future evermore as sure as a cosmic lighthouse guides the wandering flying saucer to its nest planet. And so it has been. (Thank you, Mother Universe!)

Anyhoo...Having relocated overseas to fulfill my destiny as life lantern to my heretofore adrift royal ginger, I am preparing for the arrival of my very own bundle of joy! Should I prove myself even a fraction of the loving nurturer you have been to Christina and the twins, I shall consider myself a very successful mamacita, indeed.

But alas, I digress from the issue that fuels this admiring missive...after the blessed placenta slips, I shall be called upon to present the first glimpse little Diana or Dionne D’Arc Mountbatten-Rothschild-Obam’AramaDingDong Windsor on the concrete steps of a quaint but rather bland little hospital.

My question, dear Goddess of Having It All (to quote your muse, Barbara Bennett) is such: what to wear that is befitting an occasion upon which the flashbulbs of the world will be upon me? Please respond in haste, as I eagerly await your wise counsel!

Hello,

I didn't see you there!

I was just getting something for my family.

Would you like a Pepsi-Cola too?

Dear R 239 Fan-

Is this child one that you have bought, I mean brought out of the slums of some two-bit backwoods town? If so, you want to make a lasting impression for that first baby book photograph. A sleek Dior day suit in striking grey or navy blue with your best chinchilla stole, Ferragamo pumps, and your new “I didn’t push, just purchased” diamond pin received from this month’s husband is a great go-to ensemble.

Now, if for some ungodly reason you have chosen to have a child naturally, I would suggest a stunt double for all photography. Face it, you are going to look hideous, your tits will be full and saggy, that ethnic nose of yours will be even more so, and those cankles will not fit into a nice Chanel sling back. Instead, have them use your lighting, makeup people, and you personally select the wardrobe for the stunt double. Also, if the Baby happens to be unfortunate looking or of a race that doesn’t photograph well, get a stunt baby as well. Remember, it’s the image that matters, people and their “hurt feelings” will die. Photographs remain forever.

Very Joan-like, R241

Sorry, I'm too busy cleaning now to reply further.

Why is Mr. Steele burial spot engraved with the name "Alfred M."

is his name was "Alfred N."

I love that kitchen. Very modern and fun.

Joan, why are you sitting up front, with your family in the background?

Why, that's what God intended, R245.

Mmmm, like to have some of that...

Mrs Steele,

As spring approaches, and with it a sense of renewal and all things bright and beautiful, would your grave us with your ideal weekend getaway with the family? Would you head to the country to gaze at the wonder of nature, or head to the City and take in some culture and hustle-bustle? More importantly, WHAT would you pack (and how) and would your gloves match your outer wear or your day dress? And any suggestions for why to pack for a nice, light lunch on the train or plane? I find the offerings so uninspired and frankly, unappetizing. Thank you!

Oh bless you, dear Mrs. Steele at R241! Your sage wisdom informs and uplifts!

P.S. Did you know that, like you, I am a published author? We truly are cosmic twins (albeit one with a royal title, and one without).

Mrs Steele, Fingerhut plastic/vinyl seat covers were popular in the 1960s and 1970s. Many women who strove mightily to keep a clean and sanitary home — perhaps they were following your example — put them on their furniture. They were ever so helpful when one had to deal with pesky children who bathed once a week and virtually eliminated cigarette burns left by a guest who was later stricken from the invitation list of polite society.

Mrs. Steele, what is your real year of birth? Is it 1904, 1906 or 1908? Sources vary.

Why, thank you, R250 Jamblone person, that does seem vaguely familiar to me now.

I get all my plastic covers from Bloomingdales, but I certainly applaud the concept.

Many blessings,

Dear Gentle readers,

Having asked my assistant to research the matter of my husband's middle name, she has provided me with this information from something called the "Internet", which she says is like a complex web of pneumatic tubes where things are sent almost instantaneously to "personal computers":

"Alfred Nu Steele was an American soft drink businessman. He graduated from Northwestern University in 1923, where he played football, and became an ad executive. He first worked for The Coca-Cola Company, as vice president of marketing. He later became the CEO of the Pepsi-Cola Company in 1949."

Now I'm having her call the burial company to explain why his marker has such an egregious error with his middle initial shown as "M."

This whole business has reopened my grief over losing my fourth..or fifth husband (depending on which you count). I'm sure you will all understand if I repair to my boudoir for a time.

Bless you all,

Love the necklace, Joan. What is that on it? The scrapings from your pussy?

Very clever, R254.

It's actually the barnacles blasted from you mother's hull the last time she was in dry dock.

Thank you for noticing,

Mrs. Steele,

From one soap opera actress to another, what are your thoughts on AIDS ribbons? If you are unfamiliar with AIDS, have your girl look it up.

-Deidre Hall

Joan, what are your thoughts on self-righteous, unsolicited op-eds in Soap Opera Digest?

R244 I love the kitchen, too. Nice big square, well proportioned. And immaculate of course.

This is one of the greatest DL threads ever. I've been cackling and hooting and hollering all the way through. Well done, lads!

Exactly, R259. With truly witty repartee like R254/R255 (those being only the latest examples), this is what I come here for.

Mrs. Steele, when you accepted the Oscar for Anne Bancroft, were you expressing joy that Anne won, or joy that Bette Davis, your co-star in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" lost?

Joan:

Please settle a bet I have with hubby.

Did Judy Garland really have the title Hairiest Pussy in Hollywood?

Fondly,

Concerned Christian Homemaker

Oh my dear fans,

You do ask the most random and controversial questions, which I adore. As I said recently in an interview, my relationships with my fans are among the most important relationship in my life.

Dear Deidre, why of course I know about the AIDS - it's part of my job to keep updated on current issues. And yes, I know Soap Operas too. While my busy schedule keeps me from watching the Soap Operas regularly, one of my daughters appeared on the long-running CBS Soap Opera "Secret Storm". When she was unable to fulfill her commitment to the job, I courageously stepped in and took over her role for several episodes.

I'm proud to be able to keep my all of these commitments to those who rely on me. And to do it without being some dykey diva who demands that all the attention be on her, or who demands the writers constantly give her more and more sensational story lines.

And I hope that gives you all something to think about.

Dear Mrs. Steele:

After seeing your eyebrows, the thought of seeing your snatch terrifies me.

Signed,

Bare Down There

Don't you worry R264!

You only have to worry about seeing that mangy raccoon between Joan's legs if you're a producer!

Dear Mrs. Steele,

I read your reply to Miss Hall and I was struck by your comment, "When she was unable to fulfill her commitment to the job, I courageously stepped in and took over her role for several episodes. " Wasn't your daughter terribly ill and needed surgery? You make it sound as though she was faking sick to play hooky. That does not sound like something a loving mother would say. I do hope that you can clarify that statement to your fans. I would also hope that you would not want to offend your fans the way that Miss Barbara Streisand has recently done on her statements regarding alleged child abuse.

Sincerely,

Sissy Saunders in Cincinnati

Dear Mrs. Steele:

I am a longtime fan of The Secret Storm, although I am yet to figure out what the storm, much less the secret, is.

I just wanted to say that when you took Christina's place when she was pretending to be sick (drugs?), I didn't realize it was you at a first. You look the same age as your daughter. But I said to myself, doesn't Christina suddenly look pretty? And she can now ACT!

It was only later that I was told that it was actually YOU and not Christina! Well, you could have knocked me up with a feather.

Please encourage Christina to get hooked on very hard drugs so you can take her place permanently!

A Fan in Fresno

Truly witty repartee? They’s just yo mama jokes. SMH.

Have to agree with R268. There are truly witty words in this thread, but those were not examples.

Bless you, all of you,

Dear Mrs Steele, I saw this picture of you at the height of your ethereal beauty with that cad, Mr Gable. What can you tell our enquiring minds about his, uh, manly appendage?

Mrs. Steele, what would you say is your abiding concern and singular preoccupation?

And, what would you like to see?

R271 here...

To anyone who thinks Faye hammed it up too much, watch R272.

Dear Mrs. Steele:

Where on Earth do you store all of your costume jewelry?

Very Sincerely Yours;

Concerned Jewelry Team Mom

R275 In the empty closet she had built to store acting awards.

Dearest Joan:

What do you think of this superhero movie trend? All these movies based on comic books with hardly any roles for women, just all these great big men with muscles bulging through their leotards...

Joanie, what's your honest opinion on Ms. Chrissy Metz... who seems to have take Hollywood by storm of late. She's quite simply huge?! Do you have any advice you could offer for her?

Dearest Fan:

Every woman I play is a superhero, simply because she is being played by me. That's called ACTING. Thank you.

And men should bulge in my bedroom, not on the silver screen. It's rather tawdry over that many square feet.

I only allow myself one prejudice: I hate fat people.

Well, I hate children, too. So make that two prejudices.

And I hate Bette. Three.

And Louis B Mayer. Four.

Now, that I've started to list them I realize I just don't have that kind of time . . .

Dear homosexual who's spending his weekend impersonating Mrs. Alfred Steele:

You have spent your weekend well! Thank you!

What really happened to Al Steele on those stairs that night?!?!

R282

Alfred forgot to use a coaster.

Dear Miss Crawford -- I mean Mrs. Steele -- I mean.. I am watching your picture The Women on that Turner station. You look utterly divine. I think you were a much better match for the unseen Stephen Haines than that drip Mary. Such a dreadful hammy actress playing her, don't you think? What did you think of Rosiland Russell and Paulette Goddard? Were they nice, quality women?

Yours in the heartland,

Elna Crackers

1. Was the graffiti on the MGM lot really about Joan?

2. What is this about a 5th husband?

Dear R 271-

I haven’t thought about dear, sweet Clark in ages. I guess after having learned to walk straight again and the scars of my vaginal reconstruction surgery have finally faded, my loins have forgotten about the one who got out of my Venus flytrap or simply put, got away.

Clark was truly the King of HollyWOOD. He was the BIG man on the lot in more ways than ONE. Yet, he was shy and reserved, his FLOPPING ears suggesting a little boy lost quality. Indeed, his childlike qualities were a HUGE part of his charm. I heard that the studio would soon begin a campaign toward an ERECTION of a building in his honor. So well deserved.

Well dear, I think I will keep the rest of my LOADS of memories about Clark private. They are so special, men like that don’t CUM around often nor do these memories. I certainly don’t want to be seen as shouting about or DUMPING my special times in any one’s FACE.

Be Blessed and Bandage-less-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Joan is clearly drunk again. Clark was only big when it came to box office.

If he had been one inch smaller, they would have called him the Queen of Hollywood.

Oh my dears, we all have our viewpoints.

And that's what makes life interesting,

Could someone get me a Gin & Tonic - a tall one.

Bless you all,

Joanie, who did your clown paint in your pic @R288? Certainly not a reputable Hollywood stylist. Maybe you put it on yourself in one of your drunken stupors. You should know better than to play makeup Russian roulette.

We must always remember to be kind to those less fortunate than ourselves.

May I introduce you all to a dear friend of mine, R289, Miss Bette Davis.

Oh Bette, you're always so marvelously untouched by make-up, or any of the other things women use to make themselves more attractive.

Dear Bette, how does one become so carefree, so insouciant, that one doesn't give a care about how one looks in public - it is a remarkable quality you have.

And I applaud your dedication. But would it be too much to ask...could I just once see you in foundation garments that actually LIFT your low bosom off of your big stomach and up to your chest, you know, in the general vicinity of where a women's breasts should be...

As a favor to me, dear practical, thrifty Bette?

Please give me a call if you ever manage that, dear Bette.

I'll come and photograph you myself

Should that ever happen...and please don't sit with your legs spread apart, dear - it's just not attractive.

It's unladylike and It's quite unnerving to have see that big gray bush of yours.

Remembering how incredibly photogenic she was.

Incandescent.

R292 Such excruciating care was taken to light her.

Truly, MGM could do magic!

Mrs. Steele,

Would you share your Easter Day festivities as planned, with us? Lamb? Some festive decor about the table? Chocolate eggs?

Crucifying Christina in the backyard?

Mrs. Steele,

Your outfit in R253 looks so shiny and plasticky. What artificial fabric is it made from?

Your biggest fan, Paul Lynde

R295

My goodness, how inquisitive!

My Easter plans are like any holiday -- or, indeed, day.

The recipe is 1 Glass + 1 Jug of Stoli.

Bon appétit!

Mrs. Steele,

Were you a follower of Sappho? Asking for a friend.

Tallulah

R299

My name doesn't follow anyone. I'm a STAR!

I do admire a ripe, young snatch now and again.

So... what's with the eyebrows, anyway?

R301

Glamour. You poor wretched creature. Glamour.

Do you admire the ripe, young snatch of Miss Dunaway?

R303, Miss Dorothy Faye Dunaway from nowhere North Florida doesn't have a snatch.

She has twat, sometimes referred to as a 'cunt'.

Very truly yours,

Joan don't be so uncouth! I don't necessarily disagree with your statement but you just know Hedda will lap this up and regurgitate it in the most unseemly way!

What all this bullshit about me not paying attention to how I look.

I may not do my hair and makeup around the house.

I may spend days or weeks, somking like a chimney in my dirty nightgown around the house.

But I do my hair and makeup when I go out - look at this recent photo.

Mrs, Steele at R304...if the Datalounge ever develops its own currency, that divine photo of you will appear on our dollar bill. And yes, the color scheme will be purple with tasteful orange accents!

[That’s actually a great idea. It’s time America put its eternal STARS on the money instead of dead Presidents.]

You can put lip stick on a pig, but you can never get rid of the smell of cigarettes, booze and big steaming piles of regret. Ms. Steele knows quite a lot about this. In fact, she's a noted authority.

Joan can be rather raunchy when she's drunk.

That is, any time after 9:30 AM.

Joan always looked dated no matter era she was photographed in. Most Drag Queens do a better job of being her than she does.

[quote]Joan always looked dated

If by "dated" you meant "fucked by strangers' -- then, yes, she did!

[quote]Joan always looked dated no matter era she was photographed in. Most Drag Queens do a better job of being her than she does.

I hear you, dear, and your voices matter, R311 and R312. Don't ever let anyone make you feel that aren't important.

But if you learn to express yourself in a way that is less confrontational, less antagonistic - you may find that it's easier to get others to listen to your voice.

Blessing to you and all your lesbian friends,

Which of your husband had the biggest dick, dear Joan?

Alfred did, my dear. The aluminum Pepsi can was modeled on his girth.

Hoping this Spring finds you and your family happy and filled with joy!

Joan

R313 OMG! Joan's furniture is covered in plastic. How hilariously tacky.

[quote]OMG! Joan's furniture is covered in plastic. How hilariously tacky.

The poor dear couldn't afford to buy new furniture if the old stuff got dirty and worn. How sad.

Much easier to wipe up the drippings from Madame's oozing, worn out gash, R316.

Mrs Steele ,

How did you get those two Caterpillars To stay perfectly still above each eye ?

... and is your lady bush as illustrious and full? Does it go all the way around?

Dear Joan:

When Al asked you, "So, Joanie, honest injun, just how many fellows did you bang?"

Did you divide by 10, 20, 100, or 1000 before answering?

And can you divide? Or did you just make something up?

Oh so much wit on display, and so many colorful opinions!

How interesting that you should feel so comfortable sharing them all.

Well, if speculating about my fascinating public life makes your life more bearable, then that is exactly what you should do.

Bless you,

R322 Joan, Darling:

Did you colorize that photo yourself using Microsoft Paint?

Can you imagine the weight if those emeralds and diamonds were real? No, of course, you can't.

Dearest R 95

How divine of you to ask about my plans for one of my favorite holidays. It was so lovely to receive your considerate note among these many trashy, desperate letters I have received as of late from the homosexual persuasion. As my co-star Bette put it, “For a bunch of fags, they sure seem to be as fucking horny for info on bush, snatch, beaver, and pussy as Jack Warner on that homo message board, ain’t they Joanie?”. Bette’s charming way of being rather blunt typically reminds me of how basic she prefers to live, but in this case, she finally was able to deliver a believable performance.

As to your question, dearest lamb, my plans for Easter are well underway and very celebratory in design. I’ve been preparing for the annual Easter Egg hunt by putting charming little mouse traps inside the lucky eggs that Christina will hunt. As a rat, she is so agile in her pursuit of cheese, but I do manage to get her little fingers most of the time. I’m also working on the children’s Easter baskets. Seeing the surprised look on their faces as they dig into each basket filled with various slices of rare meat, sugarless gum, tofu treats, and yet more of the Pepsi freebies I stash each time I’m in Al’s office, is so rewarding as a mother. This year, I’m sharing Easter dinner duties with my dear friend Jackie on Assistance. A lovely girl, who is a bit down on her luck. She has offered to bring desserts and other treats, which means whatever is left in her stolen foods stash from the White House. I nearly broke a tooth on those jelly beans she brought from the Eisenhower years and that “gourmet coffee” she splurged on had “FDR 43” written on the back of the commodity cheese box she carried it in. Regardless, she is a delight and the children love watching her lizard eyes scan the table looking for scraps.

No chocolate eggs for me. I only enjoy round, black objects attached to the young, muscular summer help we use in our travels. No calories, but just as sweet,moist, and cream-filled.

May you have a blessed and beautiful Easter as your note, my dear.

Ever Yours- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

One does oneself no favors...

when one tries to speak presumptuously of things one knows little about.

May your humble dreams keep your occupied,

Dear friends,

All of my many, many accomplishments, accolades, and awards,

I would like to share with you one that is quite dear to my heart

Blessings,

Is a marriage certificate with your stage name even legal?

"Well, if speculating about my fascinating public life makes your life more bearable, then that is exactly what you should do. "

Indeed Joanie, speculating about your pubic lice is endlessly fascinating.

A Vegas wedding! How chic!

^^^ Well, it wasnt as if they needed to go someplace quick for a shotgun wedding. Joan was nearly 200 years old by that point. The only eggs she had were the ones her children brought in from the coop each morning.

Mrs Steele,

R313 shows that you did indeed cover your furniture with Fingerhut vinyl slipcovers. Perhaps you were too inebriated to understand my earlier comment.

Sincerely,

Our mother's aunt Lucille was a neighbour of Joan's in the same building when she lived on or about 5th avenue in the 1950/1960s. Aunt Lucille would often see Joan's car in front of the building but as far as we know she never actually met her.

R332 You and Joan share a dear friend: Miss Boozette.

miss joan how do u justify ur alcoholism with the vid on u tube of u drunk at the airport in that buggy, slurring ur words, in that god awrful pink suit? don't make me stop loving u baby, bitchess u need be a role model for the young, not a drunk old fuk stumbling around, be kool! drink only at home to excess, with mr pepsi, who enjoys abusing u when u is passed out.

sincerely

Joanie, thought I'd post this lovely article about your dedication to your fans. How apt for this thread where you've given a little bit of your unique light to each of us xx

[quote]miss joan how do u justify ur alcoholism with the vid on u tube of u drunk at the airport in that buggy, slurring ur words, in that god awrful pink suit? don't make me stop loving u baby, bitchess u need be a role model for the young, not a drunk old fuk stumbling around, be kool! drink only at home to excess, with mr pepsi, who enjoys abusing u when u is passed out.

Oh Joseph, how witty and charming you are.

Please write to me or call the next time you're in New York. Alfred and I would love to have you and Lenore to our new apartment for dinner.

As for that video, you know as a performer that we are at the mercy of our directors and our editors.

Bless you, my dear,

Well Joanie,

All dressed up and taking on airs in your new role as "Mrs. Alfred N. Steele".

You were born trash and trash is all you'll evah be!

And all the furs, fancy apartments, and money in the world won't change that.

Fuck you,

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Dear Bette:

How bold of you to speculate about what class is. How utterly fearless.

W & W, R339

little known fact, she was fukd by ernest hemingway..

LOL r337!

Joan dearest, that's a lovely "chez nous" photo you've selected, but really, precious, Al and the Twins are MUCH too close to the camera. As always, you're just the soul of generosity in your placement of family, but next time they really should be next to that cunning credenza.

Mrs. Steele at R336,

We’d love to join you and Alfred!

When Joe is finished getting sloshed, banging Deanna Durbin on the beach, and spelling his own damn name wrong at R334, we’ll make plans!

Love and kisses!

Meanwhile at 993 Park Avenue Apt 12E | New York City a pot-au-feu and apfelstrudel is vigorously prepared for Jean Louis. Muttis wardrobe for her upcoming engagment as highest paid sprechsinger in Vegas history has to be discussed.

"Remember what Adrian poured on Crawford? One thing nothing but bugle beats - like a second skin! What work! But on her, with those hips, it just looks vulgar! But then everything looks cheap on Crawford.

That terrible, vulgar woman with the pop eyes beats her children. Low class......

Remember that ridiculous themed party ? Come as the person you most admire! I went as Leda and the swan-wunderbar! Crawford came as Crawford..... Mahlzeit!

How about the breast featers of baby swans for the coat,Jean? Think Folies Bergère but elegant,no?"

Marlene Dear-

Thank you so much for your letter. I can see that your English vocabulary is really gaining ground! However, I know you will always fondly remember those English words you first learned, “Two for Tuesday’s” “Cum one, cum all” “No refunds” and “Brothers and midgets extra”. How proud you must be to look upon those early days and know how much you and penicillin meant to Hollywood!

I will treasure the photo of you cooking in your tidy kitchen. I believe that was the dinner you hosted for Garbo, no? Garbo was so exotic, so unattainable. You really showed her how basic, no thrills cooking and easily, available and random sex could keep a man’s interest for at least a couple hours on Saturday when the wife was grocery shopping. I’ll never forget Garbo whispering to me at the dinner “I’ve vheard her realz vaginia is vrawer than vthis sushi”. Her English was improving at the time, so I’m sure she meant this as an ultimate compliment about your cuisine.

Also darling Marlene, I must rave about your recent show at the Palace. I arrived late, just as the curtain was rising and that encompassing pink smoke screen and thousands of amber lights came down. You were like an otherworldly vision under all those layers fog. “Where’s Marlene?” “Is that Mary Todd Lincoln’s ghost “ and “Who’s that old bag standing at the microphone” were just some of the raves being thrown at you. Indeed, under all that dazzle, no one could see your face, hands, legs, or those other famous assets of yours that have proudly been marked by time and frequent use. Your voice truly was the star of the show. Everyone setting in the first two rows of that thirty-five row theatre said so!

Please keep in touch, won’t you dearest heart? Ring me next time you are in New York and we will spend the entire day together! We will get you a Colony hotdog off the lower, darker part of the pier and then find you something to really eat when you are finished with the hotdog.

Springtime Smiles to You-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Bravo, R346!

A very young Joan, before she created her look.

Another young Joan photo.

Oh Bette, darling, is that you?

You know, sometimes I can't tell you and dear Miriam Hopkins apart.

Mannish figure, wrinkles everywhere, and all that bitterness, you know.

[quote]My friend and I were trying to think of what roles Joan might have played, had she not gotten cancer and died, but perhaps lived another decade. I thought she'd have been a fabulous Miss Shuster in The Swarm, or perhaps even taken over for June Havoc as Steve Guttenberg's mother in Can't Stop the Music. Maybe just the right kind of Roz in 9 to 5. Joan could have played the smouldering attraction she undoubtedly would have had for her boss under a thin veneer of icy professionalism. Or perhaps she'd have stolen the role of Captain Lewis from Eileen Brennan and gone on to a late career Oscar nomination and finally a television series.

Joan was the prototype for 1000 prime-time villainesses to come, in her Spielberg directed 'Eyes' segment of Night Gallery.

Was that Spielberg's first time directing?

Did Joan show him her waxed vag?

Joan had a good fashion sense

But wearing sleeveless when she was into her 70's was probably not one of her best choices

(Although I have to admit, her arms don't look half bad for a woman her age - thinking of the much younger women I see at Wal-Mart type store with tragic bodies)

Dear Mrs. Patrick Campbell-

It was wonderful to read your sweet note about your aunt Lucille. We indeed did know each other well. She was a lovely, kind, and certainly walked to the beat of her own drum. A true original.

I remember our first encounter. I was walking out of my recently renovated 20 room 5th Avenue apartment with my security team to my awaiting caravan. I had some light shopping to do at Dior, Bonwitt’s and Bergdorf Goodman’s. Suddenly, my security rushed me inside the car and sped away. I assumed it was dear Bette walking near. Even in her finest couture gown and many hairpieces, she could still portray a crazed lunatic in a very believable manner. It wasn’t Bette. It was Lucille, hanging out of the window of her cozy, rent controlled walk-up near the air conditioning unit. I had forgotten that there were other options to central cooling and heating. Anyhow, with a lovely smile, she waved and I blew her a kiss. She then proceeded to put on a little show for all of the public, swinging her arms about, exposing her breasts, and gyrating her hips about as she became intimate with a large cucumber. It was quite a show, almost like something you’d see in one of Norma Shearer’s later European movies.

For years, I could always count on dear Lucille to be at that window, performing for her many fans of Hobos, bums, and sexually confused girls. She love to share her art with the masses- day, noon, and night. Her artistry was inspiring. I heard she had recently moved and was performing at Bellevue in the private ward. I’m sure she still dazzles!

Basket cases of love to you and Lucille-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Lol, R354

But who was his Aunt Lucille?

Didn't Lucille Ball have an apartment at the Imperial House while Joan lived there?

Aunt Lucille and her husband also owned a beautiful house in Westport CT, probably before moving to NYC, where she would give parties attended sometimes by Broadway stars, such as Martha Raye.

R348 actually kinda reminds me of a young Joan Cusack.

The door flew open and there was Bette Davis sitting on the crapper

Stinking to the high heavens and smoking a ciggy!

Dear, dear fans,

Your sharing your wit and your colorful stories is so interesting and quite generous of you.

That is what I've attempted to do with my career, to be a simple storyteller.

Baskets of kisses,

Joan looked good.

She was good at looking good.

Bette, not so much.

Sometimes it is one's job

to remind others of what is acceptable behavior.

You tell 'er, Harriet....

I mean, Joan

Dear, Dear Tallulah-

I nearly squealed with delight when the staff brought your letter. The faint smell of Pal Mal cigarettes, boxed wine, and Costco sardines on the envelope was like having you in front of me, trying to stand up once again!

Tell me, how have you been? I’ve been keeping up with you in the trades. You’ve been so busy, opening a play, closing a play, opening a play, closing a play, opening a play,...... You get the point. How taxing this pace must be on you. Do you have anything lined up in Hollywood? The public needs to see your name on the screen again, six spots below the opening title ! Have you thought about dinner theater? How delighted the public would be to have a All You Can Eat Tallulah Tuesday Buffet! You could sing your many hits between refills and extra napkins being passed about. Do give this suggestion some thought, dear. Your gifts as an actress could really be showcased in an intimate setting like a greasy spoon.

Last thing, when are you going to settle down with a man, woman, man/woman or refugee, you silly girl? It’s time you buy yourself some land, build a house, and purchase a loving family from central casting. Having a family waiting for you to die, I mean come home every night, is worth more than any Tony nomination you might someday manage to get.

With Blessings of Off, Off Broadway work and love for you-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Best thread in forever! LOL

Wonderful, R363, W & W

I can hear Joan's voice reading those words

LOL, R363,

I just wanted to call you and tell you that you are amazing!

Dear Ms. de Havilland

I have been advised by my legal team that perhaps a note to you to request you cease and desist in your comments to the media might help a woman of your advanced age and limited capabilities avoid a lawsuit.

For the record, I was not raised in utter squaller or forced to scrub toilets. My mother own a very successful laundry service that employed many children. Further, mother provided abortion, I mean advanced care to unexpecting mothers at the request of their fathers. She provided well for us and was a frequent guest in the barns, basements, and wooded areas of many upstanding families.

Also, I did not get myself booked for the 63 Academy Awards. I was repeatedly asked to present on television because of my incredibly high Q score with the nation’s advertisers, especially those who target the homosexual persuasion. People want to know what Joan Crawford eats, wears, reads, drinks, and listens to. From dog food to French lingerie, my endorsement is money in the bank, baby. Perhaps if you choose to attempt to be relevant again, you can find your niche market in bladder pads, hemorrhoid creams, and hospice care.

Finally, Ms. de Havilland, I ask that you immediately stop comparing my career with that of a one Ms. Bette Davis. Two careers could never be as dissimilar if someone tried to make them be. Ms. Davis’ performances are reflective of the endless hours of preparation she poured into being able to read, grunt, and roll her bug eyes to act an emotion. My acting comes from a more attractive, natural place that projects emotion, not a reaction to it. Ms. Davis deserves recognition for her type of acting without comparison just as I do for the critically acclaimed, box office approved acting I utilize on the screen.

In closing, please refrain from discussing me with any form of media from this point on. You do not need to attach yourself to someone to be remembered or recognized, Olivia. Your contributions to film will forever live in the footnotes of Hollywood history.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

[quote] I was repeatedly asked to present on television because of my incredibly high Q score with the nation’s advertisers, especially those who target the homosexual persuasion.

I love it!!!

[quote]Ms. Davis’ performances are reflective of the endless hours of preparation she poured into being able to read, grunt, and roll her bug eyes to act an emotion.

True dat.

"The faint smell of Pal Mal cigarettes."

Oh dear, you stupid, rancid, ignorant cunt.

You know she meant "Pall Mall", Tallulah dear.

It's a small typo in an otherwise brilliant post.

And with a smelly pussy like yours, Tallulah sweets,I'd be more careful about throwing around the phrase "rancid cunt".

Dahling,

I'm dreadfully sorry for the "rancid cunt" remark.

It's just that I'm a little peckish and hungover after filming the Lucy and Desi Show with that awful woman Lucille Ball.

After all she's been doing her horrendous impression of me on that little TV show of hers for years, and I thought it might be a laugh for me to guest star.

I couldn't have been more wrong - that woman is an absolute nightmare - bullying, micro-managing, petty. She actually wanted to tell me how to 'do' Tallulah Bankhead, if you can even imagine that.

Anyway, forgive my ungracious remarks - I shall direct them at the REAL rancid cunt among us - Miss Lucille Hairy Ass Balls.

All my best,

Joan,

What are your thoughts on the ideal last minute supper for a few dear friends? I have an unexpected guest coming over later and I only have some bread and turkey meatballs. What’s a girl to do? And suggestions on attire? Gloves?

Dear,

Gloves are for when you have engagement outside your home in the daytime.

The only gloves one might wear to an event in one's own home might be gloves that are a part of a formal evening ensemble, and from your description, that is not what you are hostessing.

As for the food, just let you guests know that it will be potluck, because it's last minute. And have Lottie (or your cook in this case) warm up something from your freezer or frigidaire.

Still shuddering at the thought of your wearing gloves to an informal dinner party in your own home, but this is why I am needed now more than ever,

Were you thinking of wearing a hat too, R373?

Mrs. Steele has become quite the 'lady' since her early years in Hollywood, R373.

Trust me, it took more than fashion mistake to shock her back in those days...

"Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies."

So I've improved myself since I was younger - sue me!

And you, Bette dear, are the same cheap, vulgar person you've always been.

Joan,

Next time you are out at the market, shopping for sow-sage, pick up some tinned oysters, French bread and a pound of butter for me, ya big Red Weirdo...not green like the grass...

God gave us sow-sages...

And Green Weirdos...

A daytime trip to the Soup-er-market is an example of when a well-bred young lady might wear her gloves, R373.

Sure, Mrs. Steele. Nothing I'd like to do more than serve up old dried-out tuna casserole to a bunch of other old dried-out tuna casseroles. On my one night off. Nothing I'd like to do more.

Good, Lottie,

So there'll be 7 or 8 for dinner.

And I like you to start serving as soon as everyone has had a cocktail or two.

And please wear a clean and neatly pressed uniform.

Dear R 337-

Truly, the scenario you ask about is one of my most personal pet peeves. I never have uninvited guests over, not even my children. It isn’t very proper to intrude upon one’s time unexpectedly. That’s like inviting one’s self to an orgy and then asking to borrow lubricant.

However, like an unexpected penis or vagina during a game of Hide the Sausage, you can make the best of any situation. My advice would be to dress in you most spectacular gown, jewels, of course gloves, and furs. While waiting for everyone to arrive, I would then call Hedda and “tip her off” on my plans and tell her I’ll be charging dinner for 8 to her account. Then I would call Walter and do the same, except I would charge next week’s dinner with a few of my beau’s to Walter. Finally, I would call up my fan club President so that she can have a few dozen screaming fans at the restaurant when we arrived so that I can sign autographs and swan about in their waves of love.

Always make a screwdriver out of a screwed situation, dearest heart!

Blessings-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

So excited to see you for dinner Joan. I’m bringing dome photos of a few new pieces for the apartment, I think you’ll love the chinoiserie side tables. I also have the new vinyl slipcover for your slipper chair.

R383 = Drag Queen Joan Crawford with no knowledge of etiquette or gracious living

It's not too difficult to tell the difference between Bette and her Drag Queens

But the Drag Queens generally look so much better than Bette

I think I'll love the 'love the chinoiserie side tables.' too, as long as their being comped by the seller.

* they're

This blasted Social Secretary is an embarrassment.

To my Twitter followers*:

There's nothing young about Loretta.

And all that Papist nonsense - she's absolutely rabid!

* My manager tells me I have to be more succinct in this digital age.

Mrs Steele,

Why don't you start a twitter account. I'm sure you would get millions of followers in no time.

Mrs. Steele already has millions of followers, silly goose.

"Camp" followers or camp followers?

R119 If Joan had done that show, they would have changed the name to "Turkey Tits".

My dear Jane, or Sarah Jane Mayfield from Saint Joseph, Missouri, as you'll always be to me,

I see you're still bitter about the failure of your marriage to that intellectually-challenged actor Ronnie Reagan?

Or is the fact that Ronnie did have such a successful marriage to Nancy Davis - that B-Movie Queen of Blow Jobs?

Oh well, either way - time wounds all heels, my dear.

Blessings,

P.S.. Those bangs make you look a triffle severe and a bit butch, my dear - rather like the Matron of a Women's Prison.. Sometime when you're in New York, do let me make appointment for you with Mr. Kenneth - he's so good with hard-to-manage hair like yours.

Mrs. Steele -- Please, my bridge club has differing opinions. What is your favorite holiday? I say Christmas. Cookie Blumenthal says Easter. And Eleanor Gosster says Joan Crawford treats every holiday as an occasion.

"Always make a screwdriver out of a screwed situation"

You know, the real Joan might have said that, if she had a sense of humor.

Dear Mrs. McComber,

I am so pleased to be a topic of conversation among you and your Bridge Club friends. This sounds like a convivial group, and I'm so glad you're able to enjoy yourself with dear friends.

If I might make offer a suggestion, my friends and I have recently found that incorporating Pepsi ® has made our gatherings even more enjoyable. As a hostess, I always offered Pepsi ® to my guests, on ice or as a drink mixer, but recently my friends and I have found some delightful recipes, using Pepsi Cola ® in creative and original ways.

You and your friends might enjoy our little competition, where we see who can bring the best new Pepsi Cola ® dish, whether it be an appetizer, entree, desert, or even an original cocktail - we have found it to be so much fun! And I think your group just might enjoy it too!

As for the little wager you spoke of, I've been an entertainer for long enough to know that one has to maintain some mystery to keep an audience interested - so I won't answer your question directly. But let me give you a clue - my favorite holiday always includes lots of Pepsi Cola ® - foods and beverages.

You gals work with that information for a while, and I promise to give more clues if you should need them.

As a personal, confidential aside, my dear, Cookie Blumenthal is such a delight, but she has a tiny problem with taking things that don't belong to her - Kleptomania, you know. I usually just have Lottie busy herself with chores in the Dining Room, so she can keep an eye on my good silver - and Cookie. I, or the other girls, go through Cookie's purse when she's not looking. Then I just give her a vigorous hug and pat down at the door as we say goodbye to make sure she hasn't gotten anything past Lottie and me.

And dear, dear Eleanor Gosster, I'm so glad she has devoted friends like you, despite of all of her problems. I would never want to speak out of turn, but I'm sure you heard of that recent unpleasantness at Joseph and Lenore Cotten's party, involving sweet,sweet Eleanor and her husband Richard.

Well, the less said about it now the better - let's put all that unpleasantness behind us. And I do so look forward to hearing how you and your friends enjoy the Pepsi Cola ® entertaining challenge.

Blessing to you and your friends,

[quote]r316 OMG! Joan's furniture is covered in plastic. How hilariously tacky.

Oh dear, R398,

You have a sense of humor!

That's so important when one leads a life like yours - hold onto to that, dear!

Don't let anyone take it away.

Bless you and your drab life,

Joan,

Can you tell us about the time Bette Davis made a drunken pass at you?

Thanks in advance,

Dear Mrs. Steele:

What do you have to say to the family who claims that you are to blame for their daughter’s death by allegedly encouraging the girl to eat a green, plastic toy? They claim that the girl died an agonizing death a few hours after you instructed her to “eat your weirdo.”

Your response?

Mrs. Poppy Meriweather Investigative Reporter Action News 6

Lindsay Lohan’s starting to resemble latter-day Joan.

Dear Miss Merieather,

I do remember that lovely child, but I had nothing to do with her injury or reported death.

I simply gave her instruction on how to select Saw-sages at the Souper-market.

Blessing on Your Little TV Station,

Dear Joan: Will you attend our gay wedding? We'd love to have you bless our special day!

(All expenses included, of course!)

Dear Kip and Jerome-

Please excuse the tardiness of my reply to your lovely letter. I have been out of the country for my work as Global Brand Ambassador for Pepsi Cola. I’ve been on a tour of Pepsi plants in countries where male prisoners are employed as part of their rehabilitation. It was quite a shock when I visited my first plant and received 25 unique “welcome baskets” of various sizes and colors. Being the pro that I am, I received each with a crisp smile and grateful tongue.

As to your delightful invitation and offer, I think it best that I note a few things for your consideration. First, I typically wear white to all weddings since it makes such a bright statement. As such, you may not want to wear white at your wedding so as not to lose your guest’s attention on your important day. Second, I will need accommodations, meals, and incidentals for approximately 40 if the wedding is a two day affair. I will also need the contact info of your PR representative so that the proper press can be generated about my attendance. Typically, I will ask for the wedding announcement and photo to include my photograph with my name in top billing above the couple’s in a larger, more attractive font. Also, the term Academy Award winner and Pepsi Global Ambassador must appear underneath my photo.

Third, I will need a police escort down the isle to my seat, which should be located between the bride and groom or whatever you fine homosexuals call yourselves these days. Also, please have the theme song from Humoresque playing as I walk, as it so delights the fans. Speaking of fans, I request that wind machine be availability so that my newly long and lusciously thick waterfall wig can be blown while you are exchanging vows to give the moment more dramatic charm.

Lastly, please note that I will not sign autographs during the event, but will be available for press interviews and photographs before and after. I find that signing autographs pulls focus from the wedding couple and I certainly don’t want that to happen. It’s best when I can slip into a wedding quietly and with little fuss so as to celebrate the true star of the show!

Please contact Carol Ann regarding the particulars of the event so that appropriate planning can occur. Also, please send some suggestions for a preferred wedding gift. I’m sure that I have received something much nicer as to what you hope to receive in my many travels. I will be delighted to autograph the gift to give it a personal touch.

Blessings and Bells- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

We take vacations on a tropical isle, dearest Joan.

And, walk down aisles at the Super Market looking for delicious SAW-sages

Dumb bitch...

^^^^ Glad you found my little surprise, dearest Bette. I know you’ve spent a lifetime looking for a little “a”. Now you know what it feels like to finally, finally find it.

Bette,

Suck it, bitch!

Very sincerely,

Dear Joan,

How do you feel about Michael Jackson's relationship with Pepsi? After all, he used the Pepsi name to help him groom and procure young boys for his sexually perverse activities with them. Honestly, a small bit of justified discipline with a wire hanger on a child can hardly compare to Jackson's gratuitous actions.

Dearest Mrs. Steele:

Can you explain how this awkward photograph came to be made public? Of course sometimes an actress has to pose in her underwear, in case a straight man might take an interest in her, but usually these photographs involve some effort to look sexy.

Sincerely yours;

Another Homosexual

#97 is my favorite pic- the first with the "family" is scary. What a woman.

Dear Fan @ R410,

How kind of you to post my photos and show an interest in me and my career. I believe this particular photo was taken during the Wardrobe Tests for my 1964 movie "Strait-Jacket".

As you may know, Wardrobe fittings are a part of the pre=production for a movie, allowing the Costume Supervisor and the Director to see the actors in the costumes designed for to shoot the actors in costumes for the film and to do all the technical work to light and film the actors in those costumes.

I believe the script had a scene that required my character to be in her slip, and this photo was part of the process of making sure that we were all on the same page when it came to filming that particular scene. Unfortunately, I can't remember if the scene with my character wearing this slip made it into the final edit of the movie.

I do remember that the Wardrobe, like everything else about my involvement with this film, was quite rushed. You see, my dear friend Joan Blondell was originally cast to play the role of Lucy Harbin in this movie, but Joan was badly injured in a fall in her home and couldn't go forward with this movie. After being approached by he producers and director William Castle sometime in early 1964, I agreed to step in and play the role of Lucy Harbin. Under the circumstances, we had to work fast to prevent any further delays in filming.

I wish I could remember more about this photo or the filming of this movie in general, but it was a few years ago. And I have been fortunate enough to be in quite a few films. I do remember recommending the producers consider Diane Baker, who I had worked with in "The Best of Everything" (1959), for the role of my character's daughter. Diane did ultimately take that role, and we enjoyed working together tremendously.

Bless you for your kind interest,

"I wish I could remember more about this photo or the filming of this movie in general, but it was a few years ago."

Bwahahahahah! Bitch, please. You couldn't remember anything about this movie (or anything else for that matter) because you were black out drunk on your ass non-stop beginning around 1955, until your "untimely demise."

Dear Joan -- Never mind. Olivia de Haviland, Bette Davis, and Rosiland Russell accepted our invitation with no onerous demands.

Kip and Jerome

Lousy bitch.

^^^^^

Dearest Kip and Jerome-

What wonderful news! I heard that they wanted to do a remake of The Three Stoogers with an all female cast. How excited you must be that they have chosen your homosexual wedding as a comedic background for what I am sure will be a delightful attempt at entertainment. Those three ladies can give much to those roles without having to do much preparation, outside of comedic training of course.

Enjoy being one of the “funny boys” at your wedding.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dearest Mrs. Steele:

How much Vaseline was on the lens when that lovely picture was taken? A 3 oz. jar or the whole 13 oz.?

[quote]Never mind. Olivia de Haviland, Bette Davis, and Rosiland Russell accepted our invitation with no onerous demands.

Oh my sides....Bette Davis...no onerous demands...

Olivia, Bette, and Rosalind, well first, good luck finding enough alcohol for those three fucking booze hounds!

Secondly, if you could find enough alcohol for those three, you're going love watching those three try to fuck all your toothless relatives.

Thirdly, please, please, video this Cluster-Fuh-Daisy...um, I mean, your lovely homosexual nuptials for ALL of posterity!

Many, many gay blessings on you all,

Dear R 409-

My legal team has advised the following response due to ongoing legal proceedings concerning your questions:

“Mrs. Alfred N. Steele, Academy Award winner, Mother of the Year winner, and a former Miss Kansas City Baby Toddler Supreme Royal, was not in America at the time of the signing of a Mr. Micheal Jackson as a junior brand ambassador. Mrs. Steele was leading a group of blind, refugee leopards across the Nile to begin lives as Pepsi employees, making sweatshirts in a tropical basement of a newly opened plant. Upon Mrs. Steele’s return, she was shown photographs of the signing. Her only comment was that she was so very happy that the talented and beautiful black girl singer Miss Diana Ross had been hired for urban outreach.”

Forever Yours- Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

[quote]Mrs. Steele was leading a group of blind, refugee leopards across the Nile to begin lives as Pepsi employees

Leopards, to be Pepsi employees?

Well, Joan, that WAS an original idea.

^^^^ Yes, these fine black boys were renamed by Pepsi Cola as part of a motivational strategy. As leopards, they are expected to produce sweatshirts at a panther-like pace, approach their work with graceful movements and style, and be willing to kill the competition quickly and brutally in an area of brush near the plant. I would love to arrange a tour for you of the plant and brush area I am referring to if you are so inclined.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Tallulah-

No hard feelings my dear. I, too tried to help Lucille Ball gain ratings for yet another rehashed version of her “I Love Lucy” show through my loyal and devoted fan base.

She was so terribly nasty to Carol Ann and I while I was on set. So much so that I had to drink my nerve medicine directly from my purse because I was too shaken to find a spoon. Between her insanity and waiting around for Desi to stop stuffing his bongo drum into unsuspecting extras, I nearly walked off the set. She babbles on that it’s her passion for life that motivated her to dye her hair red. The truth is that Desi has so inflamed her snatch with the “Cuba Clap” that she needed to dye the curtains so as to keep matching the carpet.

I’m sure we’ll both be asked back to whatever “original” television show she comes up with after her 13 episodes are over yet again. Unless I get to play Ethel’s granddaughter, I’m not interested.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Mrs Steele!

We were shocked to find this quote of Miss Bette Davis about you : "She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie."

Could you please take a moment and clarify the shocking falseness of this vile remark!

Thank you! The K9 community

Dearest Joanie,

You were on The Lucy Show in 1968 years after Desi and Lucy were divorced.

All those years of sipping your Pepsi & Vodka between takes has pickled your brain.

Silly, bitch...

^^^^^ You poor, simple girl. Those of us in the know saw Desi and Lucy many, many times together after their divorce. Even though he basically left her lady lumps more burned and overcooked than Stevie Wonder grilling burgers at a Memorial Day picnic, Lucy, still couldn’t let go of the the Desi dick. It made her happy.

It will make me endlessly happy to know when this type of burning, inflamed love finally finds you, dearest Bette. Don’t ever give up the ghost, sweet girl. I’m sure there is a Desi out there for you. Just like him, there are tons of young hustlers on the make looking for semi famous, old actresses with either assumed wealth or a willingness to be part of a green card marriage. Knowing this, you should have your pick of a man!

So, lift those tits off the ground, toss back another gallon of Jack Daniels, and get some type of dark, loose fabric on those bowed legs and hit the town!!! You deserve to finally have a man’s undying attention. It’s time that you have someone who showers you with gifts, even if you have to pay for them. Now, stop pretending to be one of my fans and uncage that courage cooch on the unsuspecting boys fresh off the boat!

Dear R 422-

I simply love this photo of Bette and I having a relaxed moment at a Hollywood function, Her coat looks so shiny, so healthy, so.....borrowed. She has a charming way of getting America’s third and fourth rate designers give her damaged samples to wear in public. Very clever of her.

As of this writing, I have decided not comment further on Ms. Davis, our working relationship, or any of her future efforts, should she have any of those. It’s rather draining to provide context to her endless attempts at engaging audiences through sophomoric humor or dirty jokes she picks up being an M.C. at those Dean Martin Roasts she hosts after hours on television when most respectful people are in bed.

However, Bette always did need something to do while everyone else was enjoying the pleasures of being in bed......

[quote]So, lift those tits off the ground, toss back another gallon of Jack Daniels, and get some type of dark, loose fabric on those bowed legs...

Probably the most spot-on advice ever offered to Bette Davis.

This what I've thought every time I've ever watched a Bette Davis.

I just wanted to share this photo of a trip I took to Washington, D.C,

I found President Kennedy to be such a vigorous young man.

And utterly charming.

Did you fuck him?

Really, R428! There's no need to be vulgar.

Let just say, I left the White House quite satisfied by my meeting with the President.

Well, it's not like Kennedy wouldn't.

And it's not like Joan wouldn't...so...

Read the latest and hottest new DL fan fiction:

"57 Shades of Gray: How Joan Crawford Made JFK's GILF Fantasies Come True"

Available in fine bookstores everywhere

And soon to be excerpted in "Ladies Home Journal"

I am confused by something, Ms. Steel:

Were these pictures taken thirty years apart?

Why does the face look so different, but the dress and the hairstyle, etc, is identical?

It's so very mystifying!

[quote]r412 I wish I could remember more about the filming of this movie...I do remember recommending the producers consider Diane Baker, who I had worked with in "The Best of Everything" (1959), for the role of my character's daughter.

Don't you mean you recommended the hiring of Miss Baker after you had the original ingénue [italic]fired?[italic]

Dear Fan @ R433,

Thank you so much for your interest in my photos and my career.

These old pictures bring back so many wonderful memories of early days in Hollywood. And sometimes that seems like another life, before I moved to New York, before I became Mrs. Alfred N. Steele, and before I was chosen as the Pepsi Cola International Brand Ambassador.

Life has so many surprises in store for all of us - so many unexpected twists and turns. The photos you've asked about are one example of those unexpected twists and turns. You see, the first photo is of my dear twin sister Billie, who I adored and who came with me to Hollywood in those early days of my career. We were quite the gay pair - two young, beautiful girls embarking on a wonderful adventure in a magical land. It was a heady time - Billie and I were so close and shared so many happy times. The studio originally signed us and wanted to promote us as a Sister Act - The Beautiful Twins: Joan and Billie.

As you can see from the photos, Billie, while a marvelous girl, had a less conventional beauty than I had. But Billie more than compensated for her physical imperfections in other ways - she was a brilliant seamstress, making all my clothing and costumes. Billie was also brilliant at hair and makeup - such a kind and talented girl.

But in those days, the Studios had such a rigid and narrow view of how a woman should look - they subjected Billie to some rather gruesome beauty treatments. Unlike me, Billie was quite hirsute and had to undergo endless hair-removal treatments. One day, while I was on the set of a new movie, Mr. Mayer pulled me aside and told me that Billie had died suddenly in a freak tweezing accident in an unlicensed Mexican Aesthetician's office - in an experimental procedure to remove a stubborn hair from her uterus that was growing out of her stomach.

I was quite inconsolable as one might imagine - how could I possibly go on without my dear Billie? And Mr. Mayer looked at me in that moment and said, "But Joan, you must go on, FOR Billie." And in that moment, I knew he was right - I would work tirelessly and unselfishly to honor the memory of my less-attractive sister, who gave her life in the pursuit of a less-hairy existence.

Blessing you through my tears, and in memory of dear hirsute Billie,

Yes, we knew that JFK was sometimes into antiques. (Joan, Dietrich, etc)

A follow up to my previous question, Mrs. Steele: whoever heard of a green weirdo?

OP's photo reminds me so much of the photos from the book "Little Me."

r438, I was just thinking whoever is doing the Mrs. Alfred N. Steele posts must be the reincarnation of Patrick Dennis.

Why yes, R437, I have heard of a Green Weirdo.

How delightful that you have also - now, there are two of us.

Serendipity,

Dear Miss Cwawford,

If you could be any kind of twee,

What kind of twee would you be?

Best wegawds,

Dear Ms. Walters-

Thank you for your note and intriguing question about the type of tree I would be. I must say that I have never been asked such a thing. My secret to being a successful career woman? Yes, I’ve been asked that. My favorite leading man? I’ve been asked that one too. I’ve even been asked if I would choose Jiff. However, you are the first journalist to ask me what tree I would be. I’m sure you are so proud for this to be a first for you.

I also must note that I am so pleased television executives are now allowing less attractive females with notable speech problems and slightly crossed eyes be on broadcasts. You truly will be valued on your intellect alone in this regard. Judging by your choice of questions, dear Barbara, you will certainly be noted again. This time it will be for how you chose to ask people what tree they would be instead of the typical investigative, tough hard news questions that win Peabody and Emmy awards. How groundbreaking of you! I can’t wait to read about you in a footnote of American journalism history.

I also see that you’ve decided an aggressive approach to your interaction with male on-air talent is best. Asking a question after your male colleague has asked three questions is without doubt, a new approach. Do you miss the days when all you had to do was smile, dress attractively, and boost the ego of your male colleague? I miss those days for you since you carried off those tasks so well. I’m sure with much time, you will do almost as well with your little question trick.

As to your question, I do not see myself as any type of tree or vegetation. Love goddess, Academy Award winning actress, Mother, friend, box office attraction, and successful CEO are how I see myself and always will. I’m sure one day, “the lady who wants you to describe your bush” will be one of many ways your fans will remember you.

Fondly-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Well weally...

I heah you were a swut too.

Miss Crawford, is it true you hired an impoverished little Peruvian boy to accompany you on the press junket for Trog, just so he could provide you with a mobile surface to sign autographs on?

Is it true, Ms. Steele, that you and Ann Dvorak were....sapphic sisters?

I can’t imagine how Mrs. Steele maintains her composure in the face of such impertinence. Admirable, indeed.

R273, the nipples are unexpected (pre-Hays Code?) though nice, but what wonky tits.

Re-post of R273 wonky tits.

Why would reputed sizemologist Joan want to bone alleged tinymeat Gable?

All my dears,

In the words of fellow actor Shirley MacLaine and as I've said many times,

"It just twirled UP!"

Dear Bette,

Yes, I am holding the Academy Award.

That's right, the one you lost.

Warm wishes,

Mrs. Steele,

Your impeccable taste is only surpassed by your generosity in patiently responding to all these poor, pathetic creatures. That being said, can you review with us your skin care and hair grooming routines? I have heard your techniques are mine boggling and thorough, and I think we all could learn from your knowledge and expertise.

Ah R452,

You are a dear, and quite observant, fan.

Unfortunately, I'm traveling now as part of duties with PepsiCo International, and it's difficult for me to give your request the attention it deserves.

But I promise to make it a priority as soon as I am back in New York,

Bisous,

Mrs. Steele, are you examining that wig for fleas in r453’s photo?

LOL, R454!

Oh Bette,

You project too much!

And you thrifty New Englanders will eat anything!

Warm wishes,

The Steele Family at a recent engagement.

And moi at a recent engagement, sans family.

I think I wear most hats well, don't you?

Mrs. Steele,

You may have heard that several years back a female comedienne with a certain flair for style decided to partner with our company to manufacture and sell costume jewelry, affordable fashions, and other what nots. Ms. Rivers passed away due to complications from a surgical procedure, and, well, her daughter has proven to be somewhat limited as a replacement. We now have an opening for a famous, talented, style leader, commanding a personality, to partner with us on a new line of: home furnishings, jewelry, fragrances, every day apparel, high-end evening clothes, medicated foot creams and diet shelf-stable meals. Would you be open to taking a meeting to discuss in more detail? Please let me know and I will have all the arrangements made with your secretary. PS, we also have Helen Lawson interested, but I think you’re a much better fit.

Joan Rivers did not die from complications of a surgical procedure. It was not a surgical procedure. It was a simple throat exam that was interfered with by the sudden appearance of a mystery 'doctor' who caused her to suffocate. She was murdered

Steven, dear,

I would be delighted to meet with you.

I will have Carol Ann call you and make arrangements.

Best wishes,

[quote]Mrs. Alfred N. Steele (nee Crawford)

I can overlook the lack of an accent aigu, but to suggest that "Crawford" is the name you were given at birth is unacceptable.

Mrs. Steele,

Delightful! We are open to any ideas, feel free to start brainstorming. Additionally, you’ll need to spend a few hours a week on camera talking about your products. I assume that will not pose a challenge.

Mr. Hofmann:

Please tell us all about the cosmetic wizardry you'll employ to make a 40+ year old corpse presentable on camera. While you're at it, tell us about the cosmetic wizardry you'll employ to make Mrs. Steele presentable on camera.

Dear Mrs. Alfred N. Steele at R421 -

Who the Fuck is Carol Ann?

Respectfully yours,

Dear r464 our organization has the most evolved technology. Perhaps you’ve seen our popular host David Venable? Well, with our new camera tech (purchased from Harpo studios) we are able to drop 30 years and up to 200 pounds. See this link for the tests on David. Mrs. Steel will present no challenge at all!

LOL, W & W R466!

[quote]I can overlook the lack of an accent aigu, but to suggest that "Crawford" is the name you were given at birth is unacceptable.

Dear Fan, I was given the name "Joan Crawford" in the early days of my career at MGM. And I do feel - in a way - I was 'born' at MGM. Warmest wishes,

Yes, I can see that Joan.

And Norma Shearer was certainly a "mother'

Norma always hated me.

Norma really believed she was the Queen at MGM.

I'm really just a simple girl from San Antonio.

Hello, America!

Make friends with the crew

A good Key Light, a Kicker Light, and some ambient Low Lights...

Lighting is everything.

Poor, poor Bette.

She never made friends with the crew.

Mr. Hofmann:

Miss Crawford is a star in every sense of the word; and everyone knows she is a star. Miss Crawford will not appreciate your throwing away money on empty gestures. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE EMPTY GESTURES TO PROVE TO MISS CRAWFORD OR ANYONE ELSE THAT SHE IS A STAR OF THE FIRST MAGNITUDE.

[quote]The following liquor is to be in the suite when Miss Crawford arrives: i) Two-fifths of 100-proof Smirnoff vodka. Note: this is not 80 proof and it is only Smirnoff ii) One fifth Old Forester bourbon iii) One fifth Chivas Regal Scotch iv) One fifth Beefeater gin v) Two bottles Moet & Chandon champagne (Type: Dom Perignon).

Wow, Joanie could drink with the best of them.

Why no tequila?

Oh, R476,

That liquor was mostly for entertaining purposes,

As I was acting as the Goodwill Ambassador for Pepsi Cola International

[quote]Miss Crawford will be carrying a minimum of 15 pieces of luggage. Along with the limousine you will meet Miss Crawford's plan with a closed van for the luggage. Have with you a luggage handler who can accompany the van back to the hotel. It will be his task to take an inventory of the luggage as it comes off the plane and into the van, and as it is being brought into Miss Crawford's suite. There will be a few small items which will go with Miss Crawford in the limousine. Mr. Kelly will supervise this particular part of the operation. Luggage trucks to follow limousine and remain within sight of the limousine.

You know, 15 suitcases isn't really excessive

When one has ones fans to think of

Now, who would like some Smirnoff's 100 Proof Vodka?

I do so dislike that cheap and horrible 80 Proof swill

[quote]The following liquor is to be in the suite when Miss Crawford arrives: i) Two-fifths of 100-proof Smirnoff vodka. Note: this is not 80 proof and it is only Smirnoff ii) One fifth Old Forester bourbon iii) One fifth Chivas Regal Scotch iv) One fifth Beefeater gin v) Two bottles Moet & Chandon champagne (Type: Dom Perignon).

And what did they drink on the SECOND night?

R482, Oh Bette,

If only we could drink as much as you do!

You're capacity for drink and your drunken exploits are legendary.

Weren't you drunk when you killed your husband Arthur Farnsworth, dear?

Well, I should like to think you were anyway,

But I have seen you in your rages, darling Bette, and you can be quite violent.

*Your capacity

Forgive me, dear, the Social Secretary situation continues to be vexing.

Ms. Carol Ann,

Please inform Mrs. Steele that my proofreading team will be sending to her, gratis, a red-lined version of that 60 year old document you are attempting to foist upon my company. Rest assured, Mrs. Steele will be treated with all the honors that a lady with her courage, uniqueness, nerves and talent deserves. Nothing less will do. Your grammatically incorrect and typo ridden document makes me question your motives. Are you a spy, employed by a rival business to sabotage Mrs. Steele’s many entrepreneurial works? Or simply a Bette Davis fan?

In any case my private helicopter will meet Mrs. Steele and her associates at the Downtown Manhattan Helipad this Thursday at 1 pm. We will return her to her building’s roof by 6 pm that evening. The copter can only accommodate seven medium-sized suitcases so inform Mrs. Steele so she may pack accordingly for the 5 hours she will be away. And of course, she will have her requested beverages available throughout the afternoon.

[quote]The copter can only accommodate seven medium-sized suitcases so inform Mrs. Steele so she may pack accordingly for the 5 hours she will be away.

Ask yourself, Mr. Hoffman, is this an empty gesture for a star of Miss Crawford's magnitude?

Joan, is it true you douched with Lysol, back in the day?

And do you still?

Dear, dear R487,

Let's just say I've been told I smell as fresh as a field of spring flowers

And leave it at that, shall we?

Yeah, and flowers only grow where there is dirt, bitch.

I'm just curious how you stayed fresh "down there" when you were waddling from office to office, stuffed to the gills with producers' cum.

Did you have special water-tight panties? Pads? What?

^^ meant for Joan, of course.

Dear Ms Crawford, What can you tell us about the creation of this advertisement? Did you work closely with the adman to develop it?

Always yours,

Your #1 Fan

Remember Bette that it was I who discovered the WHTBJ book and suggested it to you as a vehicle for us both.

Please excuse my dear friend Bette.

All that drinking make one a bit hungover and cranky.

Blessings,

Dear Mrs. Steele!

Is it true that you and Kate Hepburn shared pleasantries in the famous Sewing Circle?

Sincerely Maria Magdalena Blotch - Lentigo

Dear Mrs Steele: I wonder if you could offer advice on dealing with a headstrong child. She talks back, lies, and is as stubborn as a mule. I've tried talking to her, taking away her TV time, and restricting her to her room. What am I do to? I know you'll give good advice -- those twins turned out so well!

Dear Maria Magdalena Blotch-Lentigo,

What an interesting name you have!

Thank you for asking about dear Kate Hepburn - I have only warm, happy memories of Kate.

Kate is one of the most talented actors of a generation.

I wish Kate and I could have worked together - sadly, we didn't.

But our paths did cross socially - and when they did, I found Kate to be bright, interesting, and unflinchingly honest.

Blessing on You and Your Teutonic Ancestry,

Dear Mrs. Allison,

I wish to give your letter the attention it deserves with a thoughtful response.

Unfortunately, my husband Alfred and I are entertaining a wonderful group of guests in our apartment this evening, and I have so little time just now.

Let me just say, parent and child relationship are often fraught with conflict. But as a parent, one must be firm and consistent with one's children to provide the proper training.

Again, I hope you'll forgive the brevity of my reply on this most serious topic. I do hope we can communicate further at a later date.

Bless you and your headstrong child,

P.S. An interesting fact - did you know there was at least one other child named Christopher that I returned before I ultimately settled on the lucky child I chose to be my son Christopher. Children must know their place!

Dear friends,

As I have watched the School Admission Scandal unfold with several Hollywood celebrities implicated, I've had a heavy heart.

You see, dear ones, my own hands are not completely clean in this matter.

Let's just say that large donations may have been required to get certainly academically-challenged children into the right schools.

I hope you understand that the mistakes I may have made were to do what I thought was right at the time.

Litigious blessing on you,

Dear Mrs Steele,

If Christina, Christopher, and you were all in a sinking canoe and you had to throw one into the river to save yourself and one child. Which one would you throw into the river? Christina or Christopher?

-Mrs. Sophie S. Choice

Manhattan

Christopher : As usual, she has the last word.

Christina : Does she? Does she?

I wish I had known you earlier. I could have advised you what to do with a willful daughter.

I just watched a wonderful picture with Bette Davis -- Payment on Demand. She really knows how to act. You could take some tips, Joanie. How about a Coke?

Crickets.

Those crickets always seem to show up at the openings of Bette pictures, dear.

That wrinkled old New England ham with the low bosom just can seem to attract a crowd anymore.

Ms. Crawford, is it true you were offered the role of the librarian in Storm Center before Bette was approached for it, but you turned it down as "unworthy of a star", suggesting they instead cast a gin-soaked, smelly old closet-case lezzo character actress for the part?

Why Joanie! I can see your tits and cooze. One wonders what Alfred saw. And why he didn't run away.

Dear R507,

Thank you for those delightful old photographs.

I did have a rather good body, didn't I?

But perhaps that is what is really troubling you dear.

Bless you,

Mrs. Steele,

Do you have any tips on how to find well-made, chic fashions on a budget? Ever since my hours at the chicken farm were cut I’m a bit strapped for cash. I want to look my best while on on the town.

Dear Fan 452-

I so enjoy receiving letters like this. I feel it my duty to help all of the unattractive people of the world go to a personal best of 3 out of 10 by sharing how I’ve enhanced my own devastatingly natural beauty with just a few tricks.

First, one must drink as much Pepsi Cola as possible. The water and high sugar content of America’s favorite drink acts as a natural plumper, leaving the face and skin hydrated, full, and lovely to the touch. Pepsi is truly a miracle revolution to the beauty industry. Be sure you pick up a case of refreshing Pepsi Cola today!!

Next, I would suggest an eyebrow makeover. The brows are the framing of a beautiful piece of artwork, like my face. Thus, I want them to be thick and luscious, with a shine and style statement of their own. Would you hang a Picasso in a Dollar Tree frame? Of course not! So why would you encase the second most valuable entry point of your body with a thin line of grease paint? When I put it this way, I bet you will become a “brow”iever.

Regarding hair, I believe in finding an au current style that works for you to be best. Even those of you with thin, mousy, and stringy hair can use synthetic hair to create an almost believable illusion that you are a true life Repunzel! Also, a lovely hat can be your best friend when your hair isn’t camera ready. In my case, I often wear hats when I know there are going to be women in the room who might commit self harm if they begin comparing their outdated bouffant to my slick and sophisticated chignon. The photo below is an example of having consideration for people who are less advantaged in the beauty department.

Finally, I would suggest finding your signature scent. My friend Norma Shearer loves to festoon herself with Jungle Gardenia. It reminds her of the days when people saw her movies at the discount theater. My co-star Bette Davis wears a charming mix of lavender, 40 proof, and old person’s smell that proudly announces to any room, “what’s her face has arrived!!”. I so enjoy putting on the perfume I created for myself each day. It’s a delightful mix of chopped rose garden, Lemon Lysol, and the lust of contract players hoping to get ahead by giving head. It truly makes a statement each time I wear it!

Beautiful Blessings-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

^^^^^ https://media.vanityfair.com/photos/572b919a493a996a3de71f82/master/w_768,c_limit/Joan-Crawford-Bette-Davis-Feud.jpg

Dear BettEllen,

Thank you for your lovely letter. By the desperation I picked up in your tone, I believe my advice for you is divine intervention on your behalf.

Fashion is the exquisite wrapping used to present our best gifts to the world! Shapely legs, tiny waists, toned figures, and firm breasts are only enhanced by beautiful fabrics and colors. In most cases, they can even hide low bosoms, cankles, beer guts, and withered legs that end in hooves. A well thought out wardrobe can really help a girl get positive attention from men and admiration from other females without having to hide behind self-described talent or “acting”.

In regards to the financial cost of chic and au current fashions, one must learn to invest in one’s self. The cost will be well worth it as your confidence and self-esteem grow. Perhaps you can look at cutting food costs to one or two meals a week and dating a well off if unattractive soda drink executive (not Pepsi) to help with costs. Be creative and don’t let poverty prevent you from being pretty!

God Bless Your Budget Richly-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Ms. Winwood-

Thank you for your charming question.

Frankly, I didn’t realize that someone had hired Ms. Davis to work in the ten years before I offered her work in Baby Jane. I guess given that I was busy earning Oscar nominations, leading the Pepsi Board of Directors, and traveling across the world, I didn’t realize that public interest in a Davis picture was still a thing past 1950. How wonderful for her!

As to being offered the role, I’m sure I probably was. I don’t immediately recall that particular script. I’m offered many scripts each month, but only select the ones that really excite me. I’m glad to hear that Ms. Davis was able to create excitement in a role that wasn’t written to be exciting. She has a talent for turning nothing into work.

All My Love to You Estelle-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Miss Crawford-Fairbanks-Tone-Terry-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Steele

Don't you find in exhausting being a bitter cunt 24-7? Don't you at least take time off on Sundays for prayers?

Lovingly,

Miss Janice Rule

Mrs. Steele,

Are paper napkins ever acceptable? When do I wear flats vs heels? Pink or red lip stain?

Dear #1 Fan-

What a lovely memory you have given me with your note and photo.

I do recall a lot of work going on between Norma and the advertising firm for this ad. If I recall correctly, I came to the set for a few hours and was told “ perfect as usual, Ms. Crawford” and given permission to leave. Norma wasn’t there that day, only what appeared to be a large fellow in drag, standing in for her. I did enjoy working with “Mark” and he brought a certain feminine quality that I’m sure Norma wanted to evoke in her picture.

My understanding is that many months went into Norma’s contribution to the ad. She had so much pressure on her because everyone thought she was famous because of her husband and was somehow created out of thin air. That’s why she was so careful to select an eye double for her crossed left eye, nose and ear doubles that could show her slightly uneven cheekbones at a more attractive angle, and the use of stunt lips to really give the lipstick a proper backdrop instead on a deflated and tired pucker. All of this hard work, determined effort, careful planning, and a 29 person team created a natural, easy look that only took three months to develop. I’m sure glad that MY part only took a few hours and a make-up artist to get what the adman wanted. Otherwise, Norma would have had to present something different entirely.

In the end, the result was what mattered. I think the picture is lovely and stands as tribute to Norma and her ability to overcome obstacles of Mother Nature, poor eating habits, and maturing facial and neck muscles. Her well crafted beauty remains an inspiration!

Be Blessed Dearest Heart-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Fan 515-

I so adore young fans who want to learn proper grooming, hosting, and fashion techniques. As someone who enjoys the finer things in life provided by others, I think it important that I give back to the untrained and uninformed masses.

Paper napkins are charming reminders of how informal and unrehearsed a dinner has been thought of by its host. Nothing says “Let’s just be uninhibited, unfiltered, and unkept” like a thin piece of paper with some delightful flower or coffee cup design emblazoned across its top. Do remember this the next time you are hosting unwashed hippies, unattractive women, or other groups of people for whom the need for elegance, taste, and respectability isn’t desired. It will certainly make your work less involved or important!!

I love varieties of lip stains, dear. It depends on the mood I’m in or the chic ensemble I’m wearing. The lips show others of how inviting and warm your mouth can be in private moments. The proper lid stain can be a gentle reminder to someone special that your willing to work hard for their attention or movie role they can secure for you. Always treat your lips like the agents or PR aides they can be for you!

Lastly, flats are the worse thing invented for women, besides nail “art”. High heels are like pedestals for beautiful feet and gorgeous gams. Use them to your advantage. Flats only drag your feet closer to the ground, like a gorilla’s knuckles or Bette Davis’ bosoms. In all three instances, the only looks these will get from a man are ones of pity and over your head to the attractive woman in the Ferragamo spiked heels confidently walking behind you. High heels speak of confidence, class, and couture. Flats are best reserved for the elderly and the slightly retarded who are playing dress-up.

Forever Yours-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

I does enjoy the opportunity to do a full clean when Miz Steele goes off on one of her publicity jaunts. Gives me the chance to air out the apartment of ugly cigarette stench, sweep up broken Pepsi bottles and mop the floor clean of vomit. I checks the Henredon for semen filled condoms from her "guests". Oh and order fresh flowers from the homosexual florist. Miz Steele like it nice when she return.

[quote]Flats only drag your feet closer to the ground, like a gorilla’s knuckles or Bette Davis’ bosoms.

Love it! R517, Mrs. Steele!

Imagine what modern surgical procedures could've done for poor Bette's low drooping bosom...

Mrs. Steele,

How close were you and Miss Barbara Stanwyck?

Dear Lesley,

Barbara was a great talent and a sensual woman. She had tremendous self-discipline as I did

I loved my time with Barbara - her rich throaty laugh, our scissoring together...um...for our scrapbooks, you know.

I could really be myself with Barbara. So many happy memories of our times.

Bless you,

Mrs. Steele,

When you say 'Barbara was a great talent and a sensual woman,' is this what you mean?

"I like it when she puts her tongue in me." Anne Stuart

Mrs. Steele,

Can you opine on the following? At my ladies luncheon (a weekly light repast at our favorite casual dining spot) my friend Ginny and I began a spirited debate. She claims you would never, as the brightest star of the film pantheon, deign to accept a role in a television series. I told her, that if the right project came along, with a suitable leading role, some bright attractive starlets as minor supporting people, and a suitable amount of money for wardrobe, location filming and lighting, you would sign up. Especially with a handsome, endowed director who would work you over, in the proper manner. I was thinking something like you as an international lady CEO of a modeling agency that’s also a secret UN peacekeeping force. Please settle our wager, a bottle of that divine Summer Rain fragrance is the prize.

Gladys, I love you

W & W R523

Dear Mrs. Goldwater-

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad that my award winning career, work as a CEO for an internationally beloved company, and my many charitable contributions to society give your life meaning and conversational points for your lovely lowbrow meal appointments.

However, it certainly isn’t ladylike nor behavior becoming of one of my many fans to use me to settle a bet. Who do you think you are, Louie B. Mayer or perhaps Jack Warner? With them, the wagers were life and death, baby. Movie roles, awards, and contract extensions were on the line in regards to what I would or wouldn’t do, not some bottle of middle class smelling sauce that women like you use to try to hide the smell of frau escaping from their once monthly waxed snatches.

Perhaps you should bet on things like horses, the likelihood of your children getting into junior college without you bribing the admissions staff, or perhaps how many nights next week your husbands will have to “work” late. These are wonderful ways in which to spend the many hours that fill your days and nights. You might also consider taking up charity work like Shrills on Wheels or Daughters of the Mayflower. How wonderful you will feel knowing that your simple lives have been put to good use!

With Regards-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Mrs. Steele,

You do so much. A busy career, a loving and attentive wife and mother, your active participation in a number of top tier charitable organizations. How do you find the time to do it all while still looking as youthful and fresh as a daisy. What is your secret, dear lady!

Wow you sure put Gladys in her place, Mrs. Steele! Not sure she deserved all that angst. She's a proper clubwoman from some classy place like Indiana or Iowa! Some place that ends in a vowel.

^^^^firmness mixed with discipline and love is always best, be it raising adoptive children or answering letters from the middle class on homosexual message boards.

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

This thread is heavenly, a work of art.

Well I never in my life would I believe such a rude response to my innocent question. It seems Mrs. Penwinkle was correct. She said, and I quote: "don't waste time writing to that has-been, she's too busy submitting fake expense reports to PepsiCo and has abandoned her devoted fan base." Indeed. I'll be sure to pass along your words at our book club. We're reading "Mommie Dearest" and then going to see "All About Eve"...did you know that lady had 10 Academy Award nominations? Some people only have three nominations..

Keeping up with one's correspondence is a mark of good breeding.

And I am well bred.

Dear Fan 526-

Please see my response to a very similar question that I posted on this charmingly queer community forum. I think you will find it helpful and possibly a memory for you to draw upon should the idea to be redundant come to your mind once again.

I will also note that since said response, a new beauty product I am using has had amazing results. I strongly recommend a thick, creamy lubricant facial moisturizer to be applied generously to the face and neck area. My current favorite is called “Pearl Necklace” because it leaves my skin glowing. The next time you are in a fine department store, ask the beauty clerks if they can give you a Pearl Necklace over the counter for free. If they can’t, I’m sure a lonely trucker with a few hours to kill wouldn’t mind to dispense some Pearl Necklace drops around your neck and face. Just tell them you are a friend of Bette’s. She’s known for taking many loads of Pearl Necklaces to her face and neck within the trucker community.

Lastly, my greatest tip for a beautiful outside is to remain beautiful on the inside. Don’t let the unattractive habits, attitudes, and ways of thinking of lesser people/groups like the disabled, poor, and Jehovah Witnesses encroach upon your self esteem and confidence. Remember to always hold your head up high, be it when getting a Pearl Necklace facial, staring down a supporting co-star who hasn’t learned their lines, or accepting waves of love from the masses of fans who have just enjoyed another of your cinematic masterpieces.

Beautiful Blessings-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

I don't believe that was a response from Mrs. Steele, but from that little scamp Christina who is playing in her mother's stationery again. I don't think Mrs. Steele would be that dismissive of a fan or dare to offer more dated beauty tips. Most gals go for the natural look these days. There is nothing about Mrs. Steele's appearance that can be found in nature.

B-

Hollywood

^^^^This isn’t funny, B.D. I thought you were using Mummy’s computer to write another one of those Christian newsletters. The psychologist said it was good for you to have an outlet for your “beliefs”, no matter how silly. Well, after this little stunt young lady, I say fuck him and you. There’s only one Lord in this house and she’s tired of your holier than thou shit. Go to your room and stay there until the rapture, missy!

My Daughters Keeper and Savior

It's "squalor," not "squaller."

Oh Olivia,

How to delightful to hear from one so old as you! Why, dear, you must have cobwebs in your vagina that are older than the flying buttresses of Notre Dame.

Speaking of Notre Dame, we are all still reeling from the news of the fire. Olivia, darling, Mr. Mayer often said your demonic rages could make Holy Water boil and burn down churches.

What a delightful irony that the brilliant directors and editors of GWTW were able to edit your role in such a way that movie-goers actually believed you as the simpering, kind Melanie Wilkes. And as Mr. Mayer also said of you, "Olivia de Haviland puts the cunt in country."

Well, I suppose I should keep this letter brief - at your advanced age, dear, you may die at any moment. You make the ancient California redwood trees look positively 'tres juene'.

And speaking of large and ancient, I do love your new 'zaftig' figure, darling Olivia. You look as you've eaten our friend Bette.

Best wishes on your imminent death, darling,

Dear Miss Crawford:

I live near a major university, and I never see the college girls wearing anything but leggings or short-shorts, with keds or flip-flops on their feet.

What do you think a well-brought-up young lady should wear, when completing her education?

Figures that old rag bag can't get the French right.

Livi dear,

Figures that a gross old cunt like you would fixated on spelling while she's breathing her final fetid breaths...

Dear God, Olivia, your breathe is atrocious - you must have eaten Bette Davis. Thank God, your stank breath is diffused by your stank Old Lady smell.

Blessing on you and your morbidly obese corpse,

Dear Mrs. Steele,

Who wears the pants in this family?

Dear Miss Whipped,

Alfred wears the trousers.

I wear the slacks.

Most sincerely,

Mrs Steele,

I'm shocked and dismayed by your use of the c word! Please contribute to my swear box!

Mrs Steele may I ask how you feel, given the passage of time, about your awful snub for The Academy Award for your splendid work in "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?"

Might I also ask if there is any truth to the rumor that you interfered with the voting for Best Actress that year?

My dear Loretta,

Here's a fifty....

You big donkey girl scout cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt

The next time you get knocked up, raid you 'Swear Jar' and get it sraped out of your nasty cunt, cunt, cunt...

Ad infinitum, you big ol' cunt,

Joan, is it true you had to ask Billy Haines for advice on how to suck cock effectively?

No, r545. He had to ask me.

[quote]No, [R545]. He (Billy Haines) had to ask me.

I showed him and Billy now considers himself bi-sexual...

Mrs. Steele,

Could you tell us about your really hot husband, actor Phillip Terry?

Was the sex as good as it would seem?

Dear Olivia D.

Oh yes, Phillip was very well-endowed - if you know what I mean - and I think you do.

Unfortunately, like most of my husbands, he lost his testicles at some point during our marriage.

After that it was long before I caught him being fucked by the Pool Man.

Fondly,

Just reading about my favorite subject, dears...

Mrs. Steele,

What beauty products do you use (besides Pearl Necklace, of course!) to stay looking so young and beautiful?

I will be going to my local Woolworth’s this afternoon to stock up on cosmetics, toiletries, and Queen Helene products, and thought you might advise me!

Dear, dear Miss Smith,

How delightful to have a letter from you.

And one so full of hopeful naivete too - beauty products at your local Woolworth's - isn't that wonderful!

I'd suggest you just rely on your simple, child-like, unspoiled faith...

Bless you,

Nancy Davis, that Blow-Job Queen of the "B-Movies" always hated me.

I barely noticed her.

Dear Mrs. Steele-Woole

I cannot decide in which movie you looked the most ridiculous -- Harriet Craig, Torch Song, Johnny Guitar or Queen Bee. For such a glamorous star, you had some real doozies! What brought about these unfortunate string of fashion fails? Were they physical manifestations of a cold, bitter heart? Were you on a decades-long bender? Please do tell.

Your friend,

Miss Janice Rule

Dear, dear troubled Janice,

You always did find it difficult to make the simplest decisions - along with saying your lines correctly in front of the camera. We all worried about you so.

On those rare occasions when you did manage to say your lines, you were most convincing playing embittered, neurotic socialites - I suppose that didn't require so much 'acting' for you.

I understand you didn't enjoy working on "Goodbye, My Fancy" - your struggles were obvious to us all. Perhaps you thought the Director and I were too demanding when we encouraged you to show up on the set on time, having memorized your lines. But that is what is required of us - acting is not for everyone, dear.

I would hope you may find a nice sanitarium, where you are surrounded by people who will provide you with the care you need. And in time, I hope you can manage to forget the difficult times. Our dear friend Frances Farmer found Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments so helpful in that way - perhaps you will also.

But please, dear Janice, don't let your emotional struggles stigmatize you - you are no different than many mentally unstable persons in this great country of ours. And in time, others may forget about your erratic and embarrassing behavior while you were suffering from your illness.

Take heart dear,

My darlings,

If you want to live an elegant life

Just think, "What would Bette Davis do?"

And do the opposite...

Dear Mrs. Steele:

Forthwith please find the medical bills incurred when you slapped my face when we were making Queen Bee. I would appreciate your remitting the total to me.....notice that there is $46,690 interest due on the bill since it was first mailed to me in 1956. I now live in Hayden Lake, Idaho, the check can be made out to "Cash."

Your attention is appreciated.

Thank you.

Lucy Marlow

P.S. Betsy Palmer sends her love.

[quote]r531 Keeping up with one's correspondence is a mark of good breeding.

Except one should never type a personal note. Or rather, one's secretary shouldn't while impersonating you.

[quote]And I am well bred.

If growing up in the dirt floored, roach infested back room of a Kansas laundry makes one "well bred," well then, we guess you're at the very top of the heap.

[quote]If growing up in the dirt floored, roach infested back room of a Kansas laundry makes one "well bred," well then, we guess you're at the very top of the heap.

It was a Texas laundry and we didn't have roaches...not many anyway

Oh my dears,

I thrived in that rented San Antonio house...

Like a Bluebonnet in the Texas sun

You see, Alfred is a wonderful father to my children

And I dearly hope that he and I may have more children together...

while I'm still in my child-bearing years

[quote]while I'm still in my child-bearing years

while I'm still in my child-beating years

Fixed it for you, Mommie Dearest!

Dear Miss Marlow, R557,

Enclosed please find my personal check for $4.66.

That particular photograph is a still from my 1950 movie "Harriet Craig",

and has absolutely nothing to do with the bitch-slapping I may have given you during the filming of "Queen Bee" in 1955.

Dear Mrs. Steele:

Your check bounced.

Please remit a money order.

Lucy Marlow

Dear Miss Marlow,

Please stop by my house for your handout. My maid Lottie will give you the $4.66 that you seem to 'need' so desperately.

And while you are at my house, I will thank you not to speak to my beautiful twin daughters Cindy and Cathy. You see, I am rearing my daughters to be proper young ladies.

And I should not want them to be influenced by a woman of your low character and poor reputation.

Sincerely,

One of the things I've wanted most in life

Is a good father for my children

Dear Mrs. Steele:

I left something for you with your maid - and instructions on where to put it. Thank you.

Lucy Marlow

My Agent says he can get me a guest spot on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians"

I don't really know if that's a good fit for me...

[quote]One of the things I've wanted most in life Is a good father for my children

Well, you certainly held enough "auditions" for the role, didn't you, Mommie Dearest?

Chirst-Tina,

How many times do I have to tell you that jealousy is unladylike and unflattering, particularly for a girl with your mannish features.

Now, you will have your Christmas Card Lists completed and turned in to me by July 4th, as usual, no excuses!

Best regards,

Dear College Campus Clothing Cop-

How kind of you to be concerned with one of our country’s major issues, an issue that is tearing apart quite literally,the fabric of our being.....female campus attire.

I’ve always made it a point to never comment on things that I know nothing about. I never attended what most would consider college. I had no such luxury or parents who cared if I could read, write, or knew how to properly scissor another female. All of those things I learned on the job, being a world famous actress and global superstar. However. I wouldn’t trade my numerous awards, citations, and reserved tables in the best restaurants for student debt loans, a small diploma set in a plastic frame, and a mad dash to look “hot” every ten years when the other pie-faced fraus reunite to judge each other’s bad Botox and fading careers.

However, since you took the time to write me a lovely letter, dear fan, I will answer your question to the best of my ability. I would hope that young women today would learn to present their ass(ets) with class, glamour, and elegance. A love for tennis shoes and flip-flops would suggest that perhaps a girl’s interest in female mud wrestling isn’t just a “college fad”. I do think that short-shorts can be treated as appropriate fashion when posing for high fashion stills, relaxing at the beach, or when walking by Bette Davis’ house to remind her to hide behind her “character acting” instead of trying to resemble a woman.

Blessings-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dearest Jenny-

Thank you for your note and questions. I will use your kindness to finally set the record straight about the 1963 Academy Awards and my roles as producer, star, and media ambassador for the highly successful “Whatever Happen to Baby Jane”.

To begin, I knew that things were changing at the Academy for a few years prior to my snub in 63. I mean, Elizabeth Taylor has recently won for being herself, I mean playing a cheap and morbidly obese prostitute just a few years prior. They had also awarded some Italian girl with armpit hair and buck teeth an Oscar for a jiggly breast and bottom performance in an European nudie movie the year prior. Indeed, the Academy Award has lost all its respect for and among top tier female actresses. Until they begin awarding quality performances, like mine again, an Oscar Myer wiener will have more respect.

As to your other question, I certainly did not interfere with the Beast Actress, I mean, Best Actress competition that year. The Academy begged me to add a little glamour to the show to balance out the quaintness of the women being recognized as Best Actress. So, I agreed to do so by presenting the Best Director award, at my own expense. As I was preparing for this service, along with being a global CEO, reviewing scripts for my next box office hit, and trying to keep the whore gene from totally dominating and taking over my adopted daughter Christina’s future, I was approached by several nominees for Best Actress.

These nominees were concerned for their physical safety on Oscar night. They had heard how Bette Davis could become when she didn’t win an award for her “character acting”. She would often strip nude and begin ranting “Acting is all I got, no body wants this tuna boat to Tucson anymore”. Then she would start throwing things and burning people with her cigarettes and almost-gold plated lighter. Strangely, she would begin to become sexually charged at some point during her storm and begin asking anyone to rub her Bette Davis eye.....

So, to avoid this scenario, I agreed to accept the award for Page and Bancroft if they won. Hepburn left country just to be sure that Bette wouldn’t try any dyke stuff on her, (even though Kate has seen and eaten more discounted tuna tar tar than a chef at Mr. Chows). Davis didn’t go into a fit when I accepted the award for Bancroft only because someone told her than a gay virgin from Brazil who also needed a green card was willing to DO anything to meet her backstage. Bette hadn’t had an offer that good since Jane, so it kept her distracted until the show ended.

Thanks again for your note, Jenny. As a gift to you because of your kind note, here’s a note to you; Jenny is a rather childish name. Perhaps you should go by Jennifer instead to show others you are almost an adult who will soon hold an adult conversation.

Blessings-

Mrs. Alfred N. Steele

Dear Mrs. Steele-Trappe,

Is it true that you were shitcanned from "From Here to Eternity" because you pitched a hissyfit over the lackluster wardrobe? I think Miss Deborah Kerr did a fine job in your part, don't you? But if you ask me, you were better suited to play Miss Donna Reed's part. Heaven knows how many servicemen you entertained during the war! You deserved a medal for your efforts.

Yours lovingly,

Miss Janice Rule

Dear Miz Steele:

Your case of liquor just arrived via the back door, just the way you like it. I tipped the deliveryman with one of your autographed photos but he say he usually get 'something extra' from you? What do that mean? And can I go home now? I'd like to spend Easter with my own damn family instead of this zoo for a change.

[QUOTE]Didn't Joan used to sign all her letters, 'Bless you'?

She went through a phase when she did just that. In the mid 1950s through late 1960s.

Dear Christ-Tina,

Remember when you are slacking off at your expensive boarding school, your stepfather and I may drive up and make a surprise visit at any time to check the progress of your Christmas Card List.

Before I met Mr. Steele, I was just another single mother

trying desperately to provide for my children...

I'm thinking of reinvigorating my career

by starting a little cabaret act

Dear Joan,

You smell of grease and Fatburgers.

Puff, puff.

And you're a wicked bad actor.

Dear Mrs. Steele,

I'm so happy to see you doing well and not begging for a recurring role on Wagon Train like a certain contemporary of your's who shall remain nameless.

Much love to you and your family...

Dear Mrs. Steele, Do you have a red Weirdo or a green Weirdo?

Dear R581,

You must be referring to that delightful little documentary I made about Pepsi-Co Inc. and American Syou-permarkets Association.

That little film has been so well-received, people constantly ask me about it or comment on it. It's wonderful for an actor of my tender years to get so much encouragement.

Not to mention, the increase in sales and profits Pepsi-Co and the American Syoupermarkets have experienced. I just hope Mr. Mayer hears about this.

Bless you, my dear one,

[quote]These nominees were concerned for their physical safety on Oscar night. They had heard how Bette Davis could become when she didn’t win an award for her “character acting”. She would often strip nude and begin ranting “Acting is all I got, no body wants this tuna boat to Tucson anymore”.

W & W, R572

I've never been impressed by Bette's tuna boat

Thank you kindly, Mrs. Steele. However, you didn't answer my question.

Dear, R581,

I know.

Passive aggression is my forte.

At times, I can be as distracting as Bette's low-slung tits.

Bissous,

Dear Mrs Steele,

So, during the filming of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?", did you feel any enmity towards Bette? She was pretty rough with you. Did you want to slap her or bite her? And, by the way, what flavor were the bon bons?

The bon bons were actually meat.

Joan wanted protein for stamina, not a sugar high.

Rat meat?

Dear devoted fans,

Bette had such an advantage over me during the filming of WEHTBJ.

I would spend hours in Makeup and Bette would just show up in her usual makeup.

Please enjoy this clip which showcases Bette's true talents.

(And please don't be distracted by poor Bette's low bosom swinging around her huge belly - foundation garments can only do so much.)

Blessings,

OMG, is that for real...

That is painful to watch her trying to carry a tune.

Did Bette really make a record?

* And I have to admit, Bette's boobs do appear to rest on her belly

Now you see why she really disliked me so much.

Attention:

Look for Mrs. Steele's sensational new article this month

in Ladies Home Journal

Mrs. Steele: Do you realize your Pepsi Cola and other sugary soft drinks are responsible for a major obesity epidemic in American children, and that the cheap, high fructose corn syrup used in your Frankenstein "beverages" is resulting in a major diabetes epidemic as well.

So what the fuck you going to do about it, bitch?

Dear Ms. Steele,

I would like to make your Boiled Beef recipe for a dinner party. All the guests are fans of yours, and most can recite entire scenes from several of your movies, even "Trog."

I'm having difficulty locating fresh parsnips; do you have an alternate suggestion or would the authenticity be lost? Also I'm fresh out of kosher salt. Is non-kosher salt acceptable? I was thinking of using pink Himalayan salt.

Any other tips for a festive dinner party populated by your most ardent fans? By the way, can I borrow the pink muu-muu? It would be a panic if I appeared in it and presented a skit about your fabulous home life.

[quote]By the way, can I borrow the pink muu-muu? It would be a panic if I appeared in it and presented a skit about your fabulous home life.

Really dear, all the best drag queens do Bette Davis

Oh, we have a Bette lined up. Thanks fo reminding me; I need to call him. Bette will make an unexpected appearance in Joan's little presentation.

No, I was just wanting to borrow the muu-muu, or at least can you take some good photos of it so. Can whip up a facsimile?

Thanks luv.

My dear, R597,

Aren't you adorable with your little party for Drag Queens.

But let's be clear - I've never worn a "muu-muu" in my life and I never will

Now, let's just forget you made this embarrassing faux pas and never speak of it again.

Shall we?

Well my dear friends,

What a lovely evening we have all had together.

But Lottie has put the twins to bed hours ago; Mr. Steele is looking a bit drowsy.

Yes, even I can take only so much adoration.

It's time to say a fond farewell to you all, my dears,

Joan please don't leave us! You've been a real ray of light on Datalounge, kindly giving your valuable time to talk down to us... in your own inimitable way!

Please come back for an encore thread 2?