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Let’s be the admission process to get into DataLounge University.

I’m Fat Jackie, a sophomore essay reader who evaluates you based on how hot you are on Facebook.

by Anonymousreply 7603/14/2019

First -- present hole.

by Anonymousreply 103/12/2019

We will meet to discuss your personality flaws before we render our decision.

Please submit a dick photo, plus the Grindr screennames of your last seven tricks as references.

by Anonymousreply 203/12/2019

I'm the proper answer to the question, "Do you perform any volunteer work?"

"Excuse me, miss, but I have problems of my own."

by Anonymousreply 303/12/2019

I'm Felicity Huffman....I care where my kids go to school ....who the fuck cares how they got in. Good for them

by Anonymousreply 403/12/2019

I'm your fabricated family income, since everyone here makes six figs.

by Anonymousreply 503/12/2019

"What do you mean you disqualified my application? Everyone KNOWS I wrote the best HAND!"

by Anonymousreply 603/12/2019

Father must help you take sizemeat verification photos in a very flattering light.

by Anonymousreply 703/12/2019

"Rather than concentrate on ME in my admissions essay, let me tell you about Deb Messing."

by Anonymousreply 803/12/2019

I'm Carmella Soprano with the ricotta pie.

You WILL write a letter of recommendation for my Meadow!

by Anonymousreply 903/12/2019

You run a brothel? You sound like Princeton material!

by Anonymousreply 1003/12/2019

I'm your work study requirement at the baked potato bar

by Anonymousreply 1103/12/2019

Admission essay topics:

"Tell us about your first time bottoming. Did you douche? Pre-lube?"

"Describe your father's chest hair in excruciating detail, unless of course he's fat or fug."

"Detail any and all previous experiences eating at Midwestern chain restaurants, most of all the Olive Garden."

"Tell us how much you hate Donald Trump, and what you'll do to further GLBT rights once you graduate!"

"If you were on a high school sports team - meaning for real, not like the kids of those fake-ass cunts Felicity & Lori - describe your own body as well. What's your body fat percentage? Do you like Spartacus? Gladiators? What's your ... um, shoe size? Will it bother you if we request nudes? Will it further bother you if we depart mid-interview to furiously masturbate in the latrine?"

by Anonymousreply 1203/12/2019

I'm the balding, pot-bellied "trans-age" student, trying to pick up 19-year-old twinks at a frat party.

by Anonymousreply 1303/12/2019

Please tell me NOW

so you do not have to tell me THEN

by Anonymousreply 1403/12/2019

I’m Golden Girls 101 where you learn the most basic references to cheesecake, St. Olaf, and the history of Dorothy and Stan’s 38-year marriage. 201 is where you learn more advanced references from guest stars’ biographies to the show’s overall sociological impact, and 301 is for Ph.D students only.

by Anonymousreply 1503/12/2019

Dollar Tree employees, don't forget to apply for your employee scholarship! Funds are limited so apply early.

by Anonymousreply 1603/12/2019

GPA verificatia required.

by Anonymousreply 1703/12/2019

Several Kardashians sit on the admissions review board. Forwarned is forearmed!

by Anonymousreply 1803/12/2019

We’re the admissions committee.

by Anonymousreply 1903/13/2019

[quote] I’m Golden Girls 101 where you learn the most basic references to cheesecake, St. Olaf, and the history of Dorothy and Stan’s 38-year marriage. 201 is where you learn more advanced references from guest stars’ biographies to the show’s overall sociological impact, and 301 is for Ph.D students only.

No, no, that's a very outdated catalog.

301 is the Bea Arthur History class, 306 is Why is Betty White Such a Cunt! and 401 is the PhD capstone.

by Anonymousreply 2003/13/2019

I am William Singer, give me $250,000 and I will get you in.

by Anonymousreply 2103/13/2019

For our male students:

All showers in the dormitories will be open.

Uncle Bottom will offer lathering services.

by Anonymousreply 2203/13/2019

R21, you can keep the money if you let us pee on you.

by Anonymousreply 2303/13/2019

Personal interview questions

'How many time did you see the original production of Follies?'

'Who did you prefer as Carlotta Yvonne De Carlo or Marion Marlowe?'

'How do you feel about Imelda Staunton playing Sally?'

'Will you see the National Theater Production despite its ill-conceived Loveland?'

Essay question: Why is every new revival of a Sondheim musical the definitive production?

by Anonymousreply 2403/13/2019

Dissertation: Golden Girls vs Designing Women

Please explain your choice. Use supporting examples and data to defend your choice.

(90 minutes)

by Anonymousreply 2503/13/2019

Prospective students coming for a campus tour must be accompanied by an uncle.

by Anonymousreply 2603/13/2019

Sorry about my grades but the drama club took up most of my time in high school

by Anonymousreply 2703/13/2019

I'm sorry, we prohibit cunts, fraus, fish, fat people, poor people, tinymeats and people who transfer from *snicker* State schools from enrolling. Please apply elsewhere.

by Anonymousreply 2803/13/2019

Cut or Uncut?

by Anonymousreply 2903/13/2019

My parents submitted video tape of me dancing around the living room to the OCR of West Side Story (I was Anita).

by Anonymousreply 3003/13/2019

^sorry, wrong thread

by Anonymousreply 3103/13/2019

Will the safe space have a fainting couch?

by Anonymousreply 3203/13/2019

'Gap In-Store Playlists and Their Importance to Society'

by Anonymousreply 3303/13/2019

I’m sorry. We don’t admit EVERY year, so we’ll be changing things up.

Now you have money, but you can’t park any catalogue kids here. None. That’s Switzerland. Go there.

Also, we won’t understand legacy placements and they never happen. I predicted you would have unfortunate looking kids, Tod.

by Anonymousreply 3403/13/2019

My essay on separating 'TQIA' from 'LGB' sealed the deal. Full scholarship.

by Anonymousreply 3503/13/2019

Your reasons for rejecting my child's application are specious.

by Anonymousreply 3603/13/2019

Cheryl is a ...

by Anonymousreply 3703/13/2019

Our recruiters would like to diversify our student enrollment with hot killer dads and Broadway shows queens who could tell you the creative team of Flahooley but couldn't square a number.

by Anonymousreply 3803/13/2019

I'm AP Physics, where we study the physics of Ass Presenting.

by Anonymousreply 3903/13/2019

First question: Cut or Uncut?

by Anonymousreply 4003/13/2019

I'm the application form that automatically deducts 10 years from your age.

by Anonymousreply 4103/13/2019

Let’s face it - 98.7% of you will fail the spelling, grammar, and punctuation portion of the entrance exam, based on your previous posts here.

by Anonymousreply 4203/13/2019

Who had a hot ass? And when did he die?

by Anonymousreply 4303/13/2019

Meet our new student loan advisor!

by Anonymousreply 4403/13/2019

I'm the bursar. How much financial aid did you say you needed?

by Anonymousreply 4503/13/2019

I knew this thread would be good as soon as I read the title. Classic DL

by Anonymousreply 4603/13/2019

We're the African exchange students. Please welcome us with open arms.

by Anonymousreply 4703/13/2019

All of you will need to pay someone to write your essays.

by Anonymousreply 4803/13/2019

We're the rejection letters automatically sent to all trannies, SJWs, fraus, fats, fems, and.....Asians.

by Anonymousreply 4903/13/2019

Your biological age:

The age that you can pass for:

by Anonymousreply 5003/13/2019

We're Chip and Charlie, the gender fluid helicopter parents of applicant, Dimoreé. We will probably be here every weekend to check on xyr, as xe is very special to us.

by Anonymousreply 5103/13/2019

Oh, dear!

by Anonymousreply 5203/13/2019

I envision the admission interview process looking something like this:

by Anonymousreply 5303/13/2019

Admission to the School of Culinary Arts required demonstrated proficiency in preparing caks, graxy, pasta, and margarine fountains.

by Anonymousreply 5403/13/2019

I'm the just-announced freshman orientation special seminar: Davey Wavey's Guide to the Hanky Code

by Anonymousreply 5503/13/2019

R54 - I assume that draining pasta is grounds for immediate expulsion?

by Anonymousreply 5603/13/2019

I'm the house rep recruiting masc-only frosh doods into Alpha Alpha Alpha's football-themed rush. I'm handing out "Normal, normal, normalest" t-shirts and smelling of gin and regret.

by Anonymousreply 5703/13/2019

I'm the athletic department. No one is ever playing any sports...but the locker room is always full.

by Anonymousreply 5803/14/2019

Just no.

All of this is handled via email.

The school’s address? We don’t really know you well enough for that. We’ll meet at equinox if you’re in.

by Anonymousreply 5903/14/2019

I'm the mandatory 10-page essay on Connie Francis.

by Anonymousreply 6003/14/2019

The one on the right of R51 is, I swear, a ringer for my gramma!

by Anonymousreply 6103/14/2019

We are Will and Jada. As parents, we want the best possible education for Jaden, and we're prepared to cheat his way in.

J's winning that gold Olympic medal in women's synchronized swimming should land him a lead spot on the DLU swim team.

by Anonymousreply 6203/14/2019

I’m the poppers sent to all accepted applicants. My jungle juice label has been replaced when the DataLounge U logo.

by Anonymousreply 6303/14/2019

Did you pre-lube for this admissions interview?

by Anonymousreply 6403/14/2019

Oh, this is so touching: I've just read an application from this homeless model who has managed to overcome his hardships. I really think he'd offer a meaningfully diverse life experience to the "once around the salad bar" cultural textures of DLU. He's meeting me down by the surf with mojitos, so we can complete the interview process.

by Anonymousreply 6503/14/2019

I’m Rulebook Section 19.2(a)(4): Any student found playing hackysack on the lanai shall be obligated to pumice the corns and bunions of elderly frau professors.

by Anonymousreply 6603/14/2019

Darfur ophans and African Baby Catalogue kids are legacy admissions.

by Anonymousreply 6703/14/2019

I'm Jus primae noctis: the right of the dean to deflower virginal applicants.

by Anonymousreply 6803/14/2019

I'm the dean. There are no virginal applicants.

by Anonymousreply 6903/14/2019

I'm princeps ad ostentationem foraminis: the right of applicants to present hole to the dean

by Anonymousreply 7003/14/2019

I'm the Patsy Ramsey Memorial Scholarship you may qualify for if you do your sassy cowgirl routine.

by Anonymousreply 7103/14/2019

I’ll review the essay for punctuation errors. They’re a bad thing, btw. Just so there’s no confusion.

by Anonymousreply 7203/14/2019

J'adore R72 . Oh, but to be a peely paper strip on the red, wax pencil, touching that grammatical hand.

by Anonymousreply 7303/14/2019

I'm a legacy admission.

by Anonymousreply 7403/14/2019

I'm the student health center check-in area with baskets for condoms and Abreva that students are encouraged to take.

All of the Abreva is gone. None of the condoms are.

by Anonymousreply 7503/14/2019

I'm the team sports

by Anonymousreply 7603/14/2019
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