Let’s be the admission process to get into DataLounge University.

First -- present hole.

We will meet to discuss your personality flaws before we render our decision.

Please submit a dick photo, plus the Grindr screennames of your last seven tricks as references.

I'm the proper answer to the question, "Do you perform any volunteer work?"

"Excuse me, miss, but I have problems of my own."

I'm Felicity Huffman....I care where my kids go to school ....who the fuck cares how they got in. Good for them

I'm your fabricated family income, since everyone here makes six figs.

"What do you mean you disqualified my application? Everyone KNOWS I wrote the best HAND!"

Father must help you take sizemeat verification photos in a very flattering light.

"Rather than concentrate on ME in my admissions essay, let me tell you about Deb Messing."

I'm Carmella Soprano with the ricotta pie.

You WILL write a letter of recommendation for my Meadow!

You run a brothel? You sound like Princeton material!

I'm your work study requirement at the baked potato bar

Admission essay topics:

"Tell us about your first time bottoming. Did you douche? Pre-lube?"

"Describe your father's chest hair in excruciating detail, unless of course he's fat or fug."

"Detail any and all previous experiences eating at Midwestern chain restaurants, most of all the Olive Garden."

"Tell us how much you hate Donald Trump, and what you'll do to further GLBT rights once you graduate!"

"If you were on a high school sports team - meaning for real, not like the kids of those fake-ass cunts Felicity & Lori - describe your own body as well. What's your body fat percentage? Do you like Spartacus? Gladiators? What's your ... um, shoe size? Will it bother you if we request nudes? Will it further bother you if we depart mid-interview to furiously masturbate in the latrine?"

I'm the balding, pot-bellied "trans-age" student, trying to pick up 19-year-old twinks at a frat party.

Please tell me NOW

so you do not have to tell me THEN

I’m Golden Girls 101 where you learn the most basic references to cheesecake, St. Olaf, and the history of Dorothy and Stan’s 38-year marriage. 201 is where you learn more advanced references from guest stars’ biographies to the show’s overall sociological impact, and 301 is for Ph.D students only.

Dollar Tree employees, don't forget to apply for your employee scholarship! Funds are limited so apply early.

GPA verificatia required.

Several Kardashians sit on the admissions review board. Forwarned is forearmed!

We’re the admissions committee.

[quote] I’m Golden Girls 101 where you learn the most basic references to cheesecake, St. Olaf, and the history of Dorothy and Stan’s 38-year marriage. 201 is where you learn more advanced references from guest stars’ biographies to the show’s overall sociological impact, and 301 is for Ph.D students only.

No, no, that's a very outdated catalog.

301 is the Bea Arthur History class, 306 is Why is Betty White Such a Cunt! and 401 is the PhD capstone.

I am William Singer, give me $250,000 and I will get you in.

For our male students:

All showers in the dormitories will be open.

Uncle Bottom will offer lathering services.

R21, you can keep the money if you let us pee on you.

Personal interview questions

'How many time did you see the original production of Follies?'

'Who did you prefer as Carlotta Yvonne De Carlo or Marion Marlowe?'

'How do you feel about Imelda Staunton playing Sally?'

'Will you see the National Theater Production despite its ill-conceived Loveland?'

Essay question: Why is every new revival of a Sondheim musical the definitive production?

Dissertation: Golden Girls vs Designing Women

Please explain your choice. Use supporting examples and data to defend your choice.

(90 minutes)

Prospective students coming for a campus tour must be accompanied by an uncle.

Sorry about my grades but the drama club took up most of my time in high school

I'm sorry, we prohibit cunts, fraus, fish, fat people, poor people, tinymeats and people who transfer from *snicker* State schools from enrolling. Please apply elsewhere.

Cut or Uncut?

My parents submitted video tape of me dancing around the living room to the OCR of West Side Story (I was Anita).

^sorry, wrong thread

Will the safe space have a fainting couch?

'Gap In-Store Playlists and Their Importance to Society'

I’m sorry. We don’t admit EVERY year, so we’ll be changing things up.

Now you have money, but you can’t park any catalogue kids here. None. That’s Switzerland. Go there.

Also, we won’t understand legacy placements and they never happen. I predicted you would have unfortunate looking kids, Tod.

My essay on separating 'TQIA' from 'LGB' sealed the deal. Full scholarship.

Your reasons for rejecting my child's application are specious.

Cheryl is a ...

Our recruiters would like to diversify our student enrollment with hot killer dads and Broadway shows queens who could tell you the creative team of Flahooley but couldn't square a number.

I'm AP Physics, where we study the physics of Ass Presenting.

First question: Cut or Uncut?

I'm the application form that automatically deducts 10 years from your age.

Let’s face it - 98.7% of you will fail the spelling, grammar, and punctuation portion of the entrance exam, based on your previous posts here.

Who had a hot ass? And when did he die?

Meet our new student loan advisor!

I'm the bursar. How much financial aid did you say you needed?

I knew this thread would be good as soon as I read the title. Classic DL

We're the African exchange students. Please welcome us with open arms.

All of you will need to pay someone to write your essays.

We're the rejection letters automatically sent to all trannies, SJWs, fraus, fats, fems, and.....Asians.

Your biological age:

The age that you can pass for:

We're Chip and Charlie, the gender fluid helicopter parents of applicant, Dimoreé. We will probably be here every weekend to check on xyr, as xe is very special to us.

Oh, dear!

I envision the admission interview process looking something like this:

Admission to the School of Culinary Arts required demonstrated proficiency in preparing caks, graxy, pasta, and margarine fountains.

I'm the just-announced freshman orientation special seminar: Davey Wavey's Guide to the Hanky Code

R54 - I assume that draining pasta is grounds for immediate expulsion?

I'm the house rep recruiting masc-only frosh doods into Alpha Alpha Alpha's football-themed rush. I'm handing out "Normal, normal, normalest" t-shirts and smelling of gin and regret.

I'm the athletic department. No one is ever playing any sports...but the locker room is always full.

Just no.

All of this is handled via email.

The school’s address? We don’t really know you well enough for that. We’ll meet at equinox if you’re in.

I'm the mandatory 10-page essay on Connie Francis.

The one on the right of R51 is, I swear, a ringer for my gramma!

We are Will and Jada. As parents, we want the best possible education for Jaden, and we're prepared to cheat his way in.

J's winning that gold Olympic medal in women's synchronized swimming should land him a lead spot on the DLU swim team.

I’m the poppers sent to all accepted applicants. My jungle juice label has been replaced when the DataLounge U logo.

Did you pre-lube for this admissions interview?

Oh, this is so touching: I've just read an application from this homeless model who has managed to overcome his hardships. I really think he'd offer a meaningfully diverse life experience to the "once around the salad bar" cultural textures of DLU. He's meeting me down by the surf with mojitos, so we can complete the interview process.

I’m Rulebook Section 19.2(a)(4): Any student found playing hackysack on the lanai shall be obligated to pumice the corns and bunions of elderly frau professors.

Darfur ophans and African Baby Catalogue kids are legacy admissions.

I'm Jus primae noctis: the right of the dean to deflower virginal applicants.

I'm the dean. There are no virginal applicants.

I'm princeps ad ostentationem foraminis: the right of applicants to present hole to the dean

I'm the Patsy Ramsey Memorial Scholarship you may qualify for if you do your sassy cowgirl routine.

I’ll review the essay for punctuation errors. They’re a bad thing, btw. Just so there’s no confusion.

J'adore R72 . Oh, but to be a peely paper strip on the red, wax pencil, touching that grammatical hand.

I'm a legacy admission.

I'm the student health center check-in area with baskets for condoms and Abreva that students are encouraged to take.

All of the Abreva is gone. None of the condoms are.

I'm the team sports