My best friend has not been working for over a year. He is staying at his family home and occupying himself with interior design plans for a new still unfinished apartment his boyfriend pays for. Ocassionaly he goes to gym or watches Netflix shows. I love him to pieces but I cannot help but judge him a bit, especially since I have been working my ass off since graduating high school. Should I tell him to get a grip and start looking for a job, or just keep my mouth shut and focus on myself?
Do you judge people who are deliberately unemployed?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 88||03/23/2019|
Does he ask to borrow money from you? If not, what's the big deal?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 1||03/11/2019|
I don’t see them as roommate material. Relationship material? I don’t know. I think if you don’t take care of your finances, that’s a character flaw and I don’t know how that would translate into a relationship.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 2||03/11/2019|
Your judgmental nature shows that you care. If your friend is truly your best friend, he will appreciate and respect that you tell him what you think. Go ahead and let him know his lifestyle is NOT OK.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 3||03/11/2019|
Maybe he’s holding out for a management position.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 4||03/11/2019|
OP his life - his choices
Focus on yourself.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 5||03/11/2019|
What R 1 said. WHO the fuck cares? You must have some serious deficits, OP. Or perhaps you're 23 years old?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 6||03/11/2019|
Never give unsolicited advice, unless the person's life is at stake.
And yes, you're a fool for minding someone else's business. Worry about your own shit.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 7||03/11/2019|
It depends. It sounds like OP’s friend is living off the boyfriend. Not sure what to make of that.
I do have a problem with able-bodied adults who collect unemployment, welfare, food stamps, or other benefits for long periods merely because they don’t feel like working.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 8||03/11/2019|
And who cares if the friend is living off the boyfriend? If the boyfriend doesn't care, why the fuck should OP? It seems to me the operative word in OP's headline if "judge." who died and made I'm god?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 9||03/11/2019|
I have a problem with people who don't mind their own fucking business, r8.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 10||03/11/2019|
OP, I'd keep my mouth shut unless your best friend asks for advice. Yes, I would be secretly judgmental about him living off of other people.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 11||03/11/2019|
No human being should be allowed to be a billionaire. That kind of almost unfathomable inequity is what's ruining everything for the other 99.99% of mankind, and destroying our planet.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 12||03/11/2019|
I don’t see the issue. If his boyfriend is fine with him living off his money, who cares?
Some people like to be the breadwinner and their partner be a stay at home person. I know someone that would get into ugly arguments with his boyfriend cause he wanted his boyfriend to stay home, while he made the money. He makes A LOT so he sees no need for his boyfriend to be working, but his BF wants to make his own money and be a “power couple”.
I never understood but there ARE people that like their partner to not work.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 13||03/11/2019|
Is the friend rich himself? He needs a plan B. what if the rich bf dumps him? Then he has nothing.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 14||03/11/2019|
When I was 27 I was diagnosed with throat cancer, I was sick for two years with surgery, treatment and recovery and ultimately had to move back in with my parents and go on benefits but only after I had spent all my savings. I felt terrible being unemployed and both some family members and friends looked down upon me, even though I had a very valid reason for being unemployed!
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 15||03/11/2019|
I try not to, as a good friend is of this ilk, on disability . I push it from my mind
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 16||03/11/2019|
R16 is a piece of shit.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 17||03/11/2019|
R 17 you are a piece of shit. People with mental illness are often on disability .
But you probably believe that all of those crazy people are faking and they just need to take their meds.
So fuck off. When your loved one is clinically depressed and offs himself, remember - he was faking it and what a waste of those disability payments
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 18||03/14/2019|
OP, you should have signed as Concerned Envious Citizen.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 19||03/14/2019|
I don't judge them, I just want to join them.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 20||03/14/2019|
Listen, OP/ Toots: oh, it sounds like he's employed, all right. But his place of employment happens to be his hole, which is where his boyfriend likes to spend his spinach. Capice?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 21||03/14/2019|
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 22||03/14/2019|
It's ENVIOUS, dope
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 23||03/14/2019|
[quote] Ocassionaly he goes to gym or watches Netflix shows. I love him to pieces but I cannot help but judge him a bit,
That's okay. We judge you a bit for your spelling.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 24||03/14/2019|
I do. I see people with down syndrome working. Regardless of the excuse, I have depression—this, that, the other—you just don’t want to work.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 25||03/14/2019|
As a person who likes working, I'm cool with people who hate working staying the fuck out of the labor force. They make horrible coworkers and they drive down wages and productivity.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 26||03/14/2019|
I lost my job 10 years ago at 53 and haven't worked since. My lover supported me while I kept house. If any of our friends have judged us they've kept their opinions to themselves. So should Op.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 27||03/14/2019|
I don't believe you have the full story but if you can not respect him, you have to end the friendship.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 28||03/14/2019|
How old is your friend? Do his parents like him living with them?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 29||03/14/2019|
Isn’t your friend what is known as a sugerbaby?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 30||03/14/2019|
Yes, I am beginning to judge them as the smart ones. I have been outsourced twice and make less money now than I did fifteen years ago. I go to work everyday, but I have nothing.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 31||03/14/2019|
I could never be supported by a partner. So stupid, since he can up and leave anytime, That is what naive fraus do - and then they end up poor, with no retirement fund and no employable skills at 52. And I have no sympathy. Take the free ride if you want - but you’re digging your own grave.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 32||03/14/2019|
A former friend hasn't worked in 20 years. She literally sits on her ever expanding ass and collects social security. She also receives food stamps and lives in an apartment paid for by HUD. She is able-bodied and could be making some kind of contribution to society, but choses not to. So yes, I am a tad judgmental.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 33||03/14/2019|
I have been unemployed for several years, on disability. It's not "deliberate," but some people in my life are judgmental. I have a serious dissociative disorder, PTSD, flashbacks, depression and anxiety and some other issues. Just a few days ago someone close to me said, "It's all in your head. I haven't seen any of that stuff." I just said, "Yes, mental illness is all in my head; that's the point." But it's pretty hurtful. He has no idea what happens because when things are bad I stay home alone with the lights off so no one else has to see it. So, for those of you who think psychiatric disability is a fun little joyride, you're wrong. I'd trade places with any of you. I would actually like to go back to work and living on the pittance I get from the government is no picnic.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 34||03/14/2019|
I think real disability is a fair reason. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to scrape by on the few dollars / subsidies you get as welfare in US. If you are ok living in a trailer and eating on food stamps and not having money for any luxuries/phone/car, I assume it’s not just laziness.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 35||03/14/2019|
R33 an able-bodied person like your friend who's a leech on the state is one thing, and not admirable A guy like OP's friend who's peddling his ass for dough from a private party is something else. And more power bottom to him.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 36||03/14/2019|
I dunno, I think we've been slowly running out of meaningful productive work for decades. So many jobs these days are kinda bullshit...yeah you get paid well for being the marketing team's in house personal trainer or being the company's intranet's director of graphic design. But if we were about to be invaded by the Alpha Centaurians 90% of work would not be classified as "Essential" and we'd be shipped off as cannon fodder to save the world.
So, no, I wouldn't judge your friend, I might feel a bit jealous of him.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 37||03/14/2019|
OP here. I feel like my friend and I are drifting away. I call him often to be up to date but I usually end up talking about my work, whereas he just says what Netflix shows he binge watched or what kind of fitness class he went to. I have noticed he finds ways to not respond to my messages or talk with me on phone while usually he as pretty eager to talk. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to talk about successful projects or things I accomplished at work because I do not want to make him feel useless... yet I can't help thinking he is wasting away his life.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 38||03/19/2019|
Maybe he doesn’t give a shit about your job, r38, ever think of that? Like others said, maybe he doesn’t want or need to work and wants to hang about and couldn’t care less about some non-entity company that does nothing of any significance. Most jobs are dull as dishwater and I fantasize about retirement every day.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 39||03/19/2019|
Well, some Dems want guaranteed income, so the lazy people might be smarter than the rest of us
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 40||03/19/2019|
I choose my choice! I choose my choice!
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 41||03/19/2019|
I'm unemployed by choice as well. In my mid 40's, living off rental income. Sometimes I feel guilty, but mostly I appreciate the freedom. Working just doesn't work for me and I'm not competitive by nature.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 42||03/19/2019|
I would say it depends on the situation. People who work do tend to hyperbolize the utility of structured work outside the home. I know plenty of people who have never had jobs who have contributed to families and society in meaningful ways, whether through charity work, child-rearing, . The problem comes about when people who don't work aren't contributing anything of value. I have a friend in a similar situation who is living with her mom and has been unemployed for over two years after getting involuntarily terminated (i.e. fired) from her last job. With my friend, the problem I've encountered is that her not working for so long has made her socially obsolete and dysfunctional. Before, work was a major social outlet for her. Because she's not working, she's had little meaningful interaction with other people (outside her mother, myself and a couple other friends) and it's affected her ability to be normal in public. She's basically lost her ability to talk and connect with people. That in turn has made it difficult for me to interact with her. Because of that effect on our friendship, I felt it necessary to say something to her about it (she still hasn't changed and I've distanced myself). Quite frankly, whether she works or not is really none of my business, but her ability to conduct herself in a meaningful way in our friendship is and I do feel perfectly comfortable addressing that with her. To the extent it's affecting your relationship with him, then I think it fine. But if it's simply you expressing disgust that he isn't working when he could, I wouldn't recommend addressing it under those circumstances.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 43||03/19/2019|
R43 is wise.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 44||03/19/2019|
You’re not being judgemental, you’re being envious. There is a difference.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 45||03/19/2019|
OP, come off it. You’re pea green with envy, but you cannot admit this, even to yourself. Move forward, and if he’s your best friend, be glad for him.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 46||03/19/2019|
It’s okay to drift apart as friends. If he’s into fitness and if you are, too, maybe you can work out together. Otherwise, you can find new friends.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 47||03/19/2019|
I live off my boyfriend. I haven't worked in 8 years and really don't plan on it unless some amazing job comes along. I pretty much sleep all day. I go to the gym sometimes, watch instagram, check datalounge, and work on writing a gay tv series that I started last year. I'm sure people talk shit about me and judge but I really don't care. If you said something to your friend, I'm sure he wouldn't care and would probably stop talking to you. Mind your business and go to work. haha. xoxo.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 48||03/19/2019|
my spouse has not " worked" for the 20 yrs we have been together, but he basically rebuilt our house from scratch to the "castle it is today (and had dinner ready and packed a lunch)I
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 49||03/19/2019|
OP, why is this any of your business?
No, I don’t judge people who do this, because I understand. Working isn’t always easy, or even fun. Working at a Fortune 500 will suck the life out of you, and can easily make you feel like a shell. This is why I decided to get out of my previous field. The money just isn’t worth it, especially when you reach that axis point when your time becomes more valuable than ever, because aging ensures less and less of it.
Let your friend figure out his own life. This hasn’t anything to do with you, & I’m not clear as to why you would even care.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 50||03/19/2019|
If YOU aren't paying his Bill's as his boyfriend or his welfare through your taxes, it's none of your business, OP.
If you're so envious and bitter that you can't contain yourself, by all means, go ahead.
And, after you eventually move through your remaining friends, judging them and letting them know why they disgust you too, enjoy being alone and 'better' than everyone else.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 51||03/19/2019|
OP is his friend.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 52||03/19/2019|
[quote]If YOU aren't paying his Bill's as his boyfriend or his welfare through your taxes, it's none of your business, OP.
Huh? Could the meth queen shut the fuck up? Thanks.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 53||03/19/2019|
Like perpetual students? They need to be punched in the head.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 54||03/19/2019|
[quote] I love him to pieces but I cannot help but judge him a bit, especially since I have been working my ass off since graduating high school.
You sound jealous.
There are always going to be people who don't have to work who also aren't leeching off of the system.
None of this is any of your business.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 55||03/19/2019|
If you are not receiving any taxpayer monies (excluding those with physical/mental disabilities), not engaging in crime and otherwise able to support yourself in some legal fashion (including living off of family/partner's money), I don't care whether you are employed or unemployed.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 56||03/19/2019|
Its better NOT to work too hard sometimes, OP. I'm sorry for you.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 57||03/19/2019|
58 here and I haven't worked in 4 years, prior to that I have always been a freelance worker. Ive never asked anyone else for money and I pay my bills yet I've noticed that a lot of friends seem jealous. And a lot of people just assume that I have some kinda big family money or someone is supporting me, none of which are true. I earned all my own money and now im slowly spending it on paying for life.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 58||03/19/2019|
OP is not jealous. He's ENVIOUS.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 59||03/19/2019|
All the best to you r15 and r34.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 60||03/19/2019|
I have a huge fucking problem with tori spelling and her useless husband. Her mother pays for everything even nannies and I suspect that is to stop the children being removed from the care of that toxic couple who don't even work. Moving the kids at least once a year and showing them off at premieres...it's fucking abuse. Take them to soccer, feed them healthy food and cut out the pap strolls.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 61||03/19/2019|
2011-2013 I returned to college but barely didn't finish it due to my own weird stalling (one small course I could have redone), then 2013-2016 I went through a stretch of debt, unemployment save for a few months, and some sort of messed up mental state. Somehow I maintained a home life with a boyfriend through this, that I'm still with. 2016-Current I returned to college and I'm hopefully finishing in a month. I've been going primarily on an old inheritance, then credit that crashed, then welfare, then student loans, and with some (not much, considering) support from my boyfriend.
Its all been such a waste of time. I could have worked much more and better built my resume. I could have finished my old (but very basic) college program. Especially in 2013-2016 I consistently sabotaged myself, applying for jobs but not nearly often enough and backing out of opportunities at first moment.
But I wasn't 'deliberate'. I was (and still am, but less) terrified of failure, of attempting things but the floor falling out from under me, of getting far into something then my world exploding. It was sabotage, but I didn't mean to do it at all.
A lot of my remaining respectability comes down to my personality, my connections through my boyfriend, and that people get news that I'm always advancing towards finishing my time at college. Otherwise I might be just seen as a bum, and I'm sure some still consider me that. A major part of my boyfriend and I being in no rush to marry is my situation; in a year or two when I'm employed and much better financially, will I notice more positive attention from others and want to explore? Will he feel the boost in confidence in us to take the leap or will it not be enough and he'll realize that if he wants more of a tie with someone else (he doesn't, but he might later)? We get along really great outside of a couple things unrelated to this matter (he has his own mental factors), but the dynamic of a fully-employed-and-paid me could shock us in either a great or bad way!
My life has been in a semi-stasis for my 20s, but I promise you, I never wanted this. I'm proof to myself that some people just stall, lose touch with much of society and back out of fully participating in it. Judge me, but know that I'm always trying in my way. Wish me luck for the summer-fall post-grad job search. I won't be complaining about my taxes for decades.
Welfare here is $700+ CAD (I got $800-900 total from other temporary benefits that would run out) for a single adult with no children. My shelter expenses are around $600 alone, while welfare assumes I can live somewhere that it is something like $400 tops (as if). Its not something I want to live off. My boyfriend and I would split my groceries and even then, he'd have to take up trips where he paid 2/3, 3/4, or everything and its added to a tab that one day I'll make good on as I've done once before. This tab agreement is just another part that I try to make my situation temporary.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 62||03/19/2019|
That's how the rich keep you too busy to think, because if you had the leisure to think, you'd get around eventually to chopping off their heads.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 63||03/19/2019|
Do the deliberately unemployed glow a different shade of green than the rest of the unemployed? I'm certain I wouldn't otherwise know the difference.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 64||03/19/2019|
[quote]It depends. It sounds like OP’s friend is living off the boyfriend. Not sure what to make of that.
What a homophobic statement. Would you say that about a tradition Male/Female couple without kids where the wife stayed home to take care of the house? No, that would be their decision. It was normal for many, many decades in the US. But somehow if gay men do it someone is a moocher or loser or whatever your homophobic mind has imagined.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 65||03/19/2019|
[quote]I do have a problem with able-bodied adults who collect unemployment, welfare, food stamps, or other benefits for long periods merely because they don’t feel like working.
I have a problem with people who watch too much FAUX News and don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Ever since Bill Clinton reformed welfare some 30 years ago, NO Able-Bodied Adult can live off welfare without reporting for work assigned by the state. They find you a shitty minimum wage job. You get 6 months of unemployment and that's it. And only if you were let go because of downsizing. If you were fired or quit, you don't qualify. The only exception is if you are physically disabled, over 55 or a single parent raising a young child. But please, do tell how you know so many able-bodied people sitting around collecting money just because they choose not to work.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 66||03/19/2019|
R61 Oh please. That woman has more money than she could ever spend. She better take care of them. It's her family. Who cares if they are losers. I have no sympathy or empathy for the filthy rich. R65 AGREED
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 67||03/20/2019|
R8, I have a problem with CORPORATE welfare and giving tax dollars to the rich. Why haven’t you mentioned this?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 68||03/21/2019|
How very working class of you, OP. Don't foist those lowly values on others
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 69||03/21/2019|
R19, bang on!
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 70||03/21/2019|
OP here. I am not jealous at all. I quit my job on a whim (got frustrated by my boss and being paid less than my bitchy coworkers despite working harder with no chance of promotion) without anything lined up so I was unemployed for a long time. I learned to appreciate work and the safety, social position and power it gives. I spoke with my friend two days ago about a possible gig I could offer him through my friend but he shut it down. He told me he is looking for something 'serious'... I was left speechless and changed subject.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 71||03/21/2019|
OP/R71, it sounds like you don’t really know what’s going on in your friend’s life, or what his thought process is.
Why would you change the subject? I would have not taken it so personally and probed further.
In general, no, I would not judge someone who was in a situation where they didn’t have to work. I don’t believe there is inherent value in working. It’s something we do to make money and support ourselves. If you can support yourself some other way, you should do so.
If these companies that people work for could figure out a way to get their jobs done without their employees, they’d get rid of them and not give it a second thought. If you can’t see that, you’re a goddamn fool.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 72||03/21/2019|
I'm jealvious of people who live off of rents, dividends and trust payments.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 73||03/21/2019|
Yes. I judge them to be smart, OP.
Nice coinage, R73.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 74||03/21/2019|
R71 Haha. You really need to butt out. He does not want to work. Why are you trying to force him? If he wants a job, he'll find the one he wants or he'll ask you about prospects. What is wrong with you? Leave him alone! You sound annoying.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 75||03/21/2019|
I work 60+ hours a week operating a small business. My friend treats her jobs as hobbies. She is often tardy, and her absenteeism is high. She manages to make ends meet, mostly by transferring balances on her credit cards. We have such different values that we eventually drifted apart and are no longer in contact. I think it's easier to be friends with someone who shares similar values as it pertains to important parts of your life (work is important to me).
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 76||03/22/2019|
No one ever said on their death bed R76 "I wish I would have worked more". There is so much more to life. I feel sorry for you and the people you probably pushed out of your life because of it.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 77||03/22/2019|
R77, don't feel sorry for me. I love what I do and I also have a very active social life during the other 108 hours during the week that I'm not working. Perhaps you need better time management skills if this seems overwhelming to you.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 78||03/22/2019|
Most rich people don't actually work, they live of their investments. Other people do the work for them. Do you look down at them the same way? They certainly are not contributing to society. And trust me, I know several people who are millionaires and still exploit the system by claiming they are poor expecting free healthcare and social security.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 79||03/22/2019|
108 hours after working 60 hours? Oh look, another pill popping drug addict.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 80||03/22/2019|
R80, 108 (leftover hours after work) - 49 hours sleep = 59 hours per week to do whatever. That's 8.5 hours per day to shower, eat, run errands, socialize, do hobbies, etc. If this seems exhausting to you, get a physical.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 81||03/22/2019|
Its interesting that people are jealous of somebody living on the bare minimum. An those with their thumb up their asses about government disabled people,the hilarious thing is you can't get gov disability unless you worked.Its interesting that those voicing displeasure have actually worked less time then those they try and judge.Which makes them hypocrites. Or retarded imbeciles....probably both.Mind your damn business unless your supporting them.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 82||03/22/2019|
SSI is for those who have never worked
SSDI is for workers with at least 10 years wk history
There is a big difference, please learn it before you attempt to judge anybody
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 83||03/22/2019|
In most cases, there should be no issue with people suffering genuine health problems being on disability pensions and/or having children. In cases of mental illness, as long as that illness is managed and a doctor's orders followed and the child isn't in danger...
But the people who just do not WANT to work AND claim govt benefits: okay, if you choose to stay out of the workforce and stop making life hard for everyone, particularly the people who would have to deal with managing you, yeah, stay at home. But FFS do NOT have children. We don't need more of you or the children you would create - if you're too lazy to work then parenting is a fuck of a lot harder. If you don't have a partner or entity which doesn't rely on other people's taxes to support you financially, then you should be shit out of luck. Without medical grounds, don't expect to bring up a kid on other people's taxes.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 84||03/23/2019|
So many little judgmental Puritans out there. Most of you would do better to do more thinking and less working.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 85||03/23/2019|
Do you, OP?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 86||03/23/2019|
Do you work from home, R81? Or live at work?
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 87||03/23/2019|
I don't judge people who don't work for legitimate medical reason - the randomness of that could hit anyone, but I do do judge a number of artistic friends who see working as something that is beneath them, that they are so intense and amazing that 9-5 is just something that they couldn't do. However, they all have partners that do the 9-5 grind while they work on books, online blogs and music that will never see the light of day. The other thing they all share is that early in their lives they achieved some notable artistic success that didn't pan out to anything.
|by Concerned Citizen||reply 88||03/23/2019|