I'm the frau arguing with the Southwest gate agent and holding up the line.
I'm the white phone - NOT the red phone - the WHITE phone.
by Anonymous | reply 1 | March 7, 2019 9:49 PM |
I'm the differently-abled passenger speeding by you.
by Anonymous | reply 2 | March 7, 2019 9:52 PM |
I'm a bitchy male flight attendant waiting for my next flight.
by Anonymous | reply 3 | March 7, 2019 10:01 PM |
You’re cute, R3/R4.
by Anonymous | reply 5 | March 7, 2019 10:14 PM |
I’m the TSA agent who secretly looks at your package when you go through the machine.
by Anonymous | reply 6 | March 7, 2019 10:15 PM |
I'm O.J. Simpson walking by Hertz, remembering better days.
by Anonymous | reply 7 | March 7, 2019 10:23 PM |
I’m a passenger’s emotional support pitbull terrier, here to take care of that obnoxious crying baby for you. They call me a “service animal” for a reason!
by Anonymous | reply 9 | March 7, 2019 10:26 PM |
[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]
by Anonymous | reply 10 | March 7, 2019 10:27 PM |
I'm the fake service dog primed to sit on my owner's lap all through the flight instead of in my carrier and under the seat where I belong.
by Anonymous | reply 11 | March 7, 2019 10:29 PM |
I'm a crazy Asian woman, having a tantrum because I missed my flight.
by Anonymous | reply 12 | March 7, 2019 10:30 PM |
I'm the sweet old lady stowaway, complaining about garlic in the salad dressing which gives senior citizens gas.
by Anonymous | reply 13 | March 7, 2019 10:34 PM |
I'm Larry Craig's wide stance.
by Anonymous | reply 14 | March 7, 2019 10:41 PM |
I’m the frau in the A boarding line at Southwest. I want to know your boarding number! I think you’re lying! Show me your ticket!
by Anonymous | reply 15 | March 7, 2019 10:50 PM |
I'm the techno music-blaring kiosk, cable news-screaming TV screen, or loud music playlist pumping out of every shop and bar. There's one of me every ten feet in any direction you try to walk. Don't bother to try and escape because you feel you're being driven insane from the relentless cacophony.
by Anonymous | reply 16 | March 7, 2019 10:51 PM |
I'm Philadelphia International Airport. I suck majorly. The people who run the airport seem to think if I have a lot of shopping and dining venues, people will forget the fact the airlines have had to ad 30 to 60 minutes to flight times due my backed up and congested runways and taxiways.
As if anyone goes to an airport to shop and dine.
by Anonymous | reply 17 | March 7, 2019 10:55 PM |
[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]
by Anonymous | reply 18 | March 7, 2019 11:01 PM |
I'm the Las Vegas airport where departing flights sit on the runway for an hour while all the incoming flights with passengers with lots of money come in, leaving the broke passengers on the departing flight to sit there in frustration for an hour.
by Anonymous | reply 19 | March 7, 2019 11:04 PM |
I'm Teterboro. I have no idea what all of these frustrations you are talking about are.
by Anonymous | reply 20 | March 7, 2019 11:06 PM |
I'm the newsstand offering magazines of sports, business, puzzles, and lifestyles, tourist/souvenir keychains, sweatshirts, T-shirts, flying discs, and other knickknacks. The going prices here for snacks and sugary beverages make convenience stores seem like bargains. I also offer pajama socks and neck pillows.
by Anonymous | reply 21 | March 7, 2019 11:10 PM |
I'm the fraus in the TSA pre-check line who can't simply set their bag on the x-ray machine conveyor belt and in turn cause the line to move more slowly than the regular screening lines.
by Anonymous | reply 22 | March 7, 2019 11:21 PM |
I'm the entitled douche with the oversized roller bag. Even though they announced all overhead space has been taken, I refuse to gate-check my bag because surely some space will open up for ME. And yeah, I don't care that I'll have to drag my bag from the back of the plane back up to door, disrupting boarding and causing the plane to take off late.
by Anonymous | reply 23 | March 7, 2019 11:24 PM |
I'm the emotional support ostrich onboard the aircraft. Don't you DARE question how this was even allowed.
by Anonymous | reply 24 | March 7, 2019 11:25 PM |
I’m the person with a job wondering why cattle are at a southwest gate.
by Anonymous | reply 25 | March 7, 2019 11:30 PM |
I'm the Lifetime Platinum that gets [italic]bupkis[/italic], now, because I'm not spending so much money anymore.
I'm supposed to value seating near the front of the plane, the coach part of the plane. I don't.
by Anonymous | reply 26 | March 7, 2019 11:38 PM |
I'm Meghan Markle, airport lounges are for you losers so I avoid them. I fly on my new bestie Amal Clooney's private jet. I'm a big environmentalist too just so you know,
by Anonymous | reply 27 | March 7, 2019 11:41 PM |
I'm the PA announcer at every airport with a foreign accent so heavy that no one can understand.
by Anonymous | reply 28 | March 7, 2019 11:43 PM |
I'm a Proud Mommy Frau who will shame you on Facebook for having the nerve to huff in the vicinity of my precious child. I'm a role model to traveling fraus everywhere.
by Anonymous | reply 29 | March 7, 2019 11:45 PM |
I'm yet another not-so-thinly veiled female bashing thread. The misogyny coursing through this board will cause me to fill up rapidly.
by Anonymous | reply 30 | March 7, 2019 11:47 PM |
R29 Women like that is why I no longer fly. There are more wretched female passengers than male.
by Anonymous | reply 31 | March 7, 2019 11:48 PM |
I’m the traveler who forked out for Global Entry and breezes past the rest of you bitches at customs.
by Anonymous | reply 32 | March 7, 2019 11:49 PM |
I'm the guy who is going to make the flight attendants wipe my ass!
by Anonymous | reply 33 | March 7, 2019 11:50 PM |
R13 No paying job is worth that crap! Reminds me of this.
by Anonymous | reply 34 | March 7, 2019 11:53 PM |
R34 meant as response to R33
by Anonymous | reply 35 | March 7, 2019 11:55 PM |
I'm Trevor Ayliss, the gay British flight attendant, getting ready to put you in your rightful class on Class Airlines.
by Anonymous | reply 36 | March 7, 2019 11:57 PM |
I'm the flight attendant doing the safety demonstrations. I look like I'm over it, yet I secretly LOVE the attention.
by Anonymous | reply 37 | March 8, 2019 12:03 AM |
I'm a foreign exchange kiosk. I turn away your business by telling you where my competitor with a better rate is because I am afraid you will try to do business with me in a language I don't understand.
by Anonymous | reply 38 | March 8, 2019 12:08 AM |
I'm a witness to the clearly not disabled guy sitting on a disabled toilet in cargo shorts, no shirt and a straw fedora at Tullamarine Airport in Melbourne who told everyone to fuck off when some kid pushed the door open because he hadn't locked the door. And then the idiot had someone else walk in on him because he failed to lock the door after the first intrusion!
by Anonymous | reply 39 | March 8, 2019 12:15 AM |
I'm a security officer monitoring the screener for carry-ons. I will ask you about your bag, I don't care about the human remains you have in there but that electronic asset tag on the library book has me curious and I want answers.
by Anonymous | reply 40 | March 8, 2019 12:32 AM |
R40 I'm the security officer checking out a box inside a male passenger's suitcase and discovering that it contained his late grandmother's jewelry. I'm so overcome with laughter and embarrassment that I provide the passenger with free drink vouchers.
by Anonymous | reply 41 | March 8, 2019 12:37 AM |
I am the wet fart liquid slowly being absorbed and disguised ; by the blue, pink,brown crusty fabric , permeating your assigned 💺
by Anonymous | reply 42 | March 8, 2019 12:42 AM |
I'm the cunt who always, always goes to the front of the line and ignores any and all calls for her to go to her rightful spot.
I am important, and I get to be first, always.
by Anonymous | reply 43 | March 8, 2019 12:44 AM |
I'm the hipster carrying my $400 guitar in its $800 flight case through the airport desperately hoping someone will mistake me for a professional musician.
In about 15 minutes I'll pitch a fit when they try to gate check it instead of letting me stow it in the overhead.
by Anonymous | reply 44 | March 8, 2019 12:49 AM |
I'm the gaggle of gate lice at the head elite boarding area who mostly are lowest tier, but don't obviously make way for other higher-tier and first-class passengers as those are called for boarding.
by Anonymous | reply 45 | March 8, 2019 1:06 AM |
The photo in r46 makes me sad
by Anonymous | reply 47 | March 8, 2019 1:32 AM |
I'm the married, Christian U.S. representative tapping my foot in a men's room stall.
by Anonymous | reply 48 | March 8, 2019 1:38 AM |
I’m the smoker terrariums full of gloomy-looking people puffing away.
by Anonymous | reply 49 | March 8, 2019 1:43 AM |
I'm the loop of yarn tied around the handle of the black checked bag, in order to differentiate it from the dozens of other black checked bags with yarn on the handles.
by Anonymous | reply 50 | March 8, 2019 1:46 AM |
I am a social media influencer trying to find the best pose to go with my airport hashtags. I am also a humble brag post.
by Anonymous | reply 51 | March 8, 2019 1:55 AM |
I'm the 5 year old dragging my suitcase through the airport so my parents can hold their coffee and check their phones.
by Anonymous | reply 52 | March 8, 2019 1:55 AM |
I'm the kid who ends up on a flight to New York, left behind by his parents who are heading to Florida. Nobody even double-checked to make sure that I was on The Right Flight.
by Anonymous | reply 53 | March 8, 2019 2:01 AM |
I'm the drug smuggler doing one last job before I go straight. I have $500,000 worth of cocaine shoved up my ass.
by Anonymous | reply 54 | March 8, 2019 2:07 AM |
Ha ha, I worked at an airport and am playing with true stories.
I'm the passenger who didn't realize that wine is a liquid.
I'm the chef who didn't realize that I couldn't take my cooking knives on board and refused to surrender them to security and ran outside to hide them in the bushes (it's a small airport).
I'm the idiot who sat in the outdoor restaurant lounge patio drinking and when I saw my plain loading I tried to jump the security fence to get to it. Arrested!
I'm the dufus who hid my pocket knife on top of a vending machine.
I'm the lady who lay on the floor and wailed after I missed my flight.
I'm the poor sucker who missed my flight and ran around shouting like a crazy man before tripping and hitting my head and bleeding all over the carpet.
I'm the passenger who didn't know that whiskey is a liquid. A gallon of whiskey. Surrendered!
I'm the passenger who left the secure area during a layover and looked around at the small terminal in the countryside and asked if I was at LAX.
by Anonymous | reply 55 | March 8, 2019 2:07 AM |
I'm the many neon/fancy "Cocktails" signs in the airports -
by Anonymous | reply 56 | March 8, 2019 2:10 AM |
[quote] I'm the idiot who sat in the outdoor restaurant lounge patio drinking and when I saw my plain loading I tried to jump the security fence to get to it. Arrested!
You must also be the airplane worker who didn't know how to spell "plane."
by Anonymous | reply 57 | March 8, 2019 2:16 AM |
“Smoker terrariums”! Thanks for making me laugh out loud, r49.
by Anonymous | reply 58 | March 8, 2019 2:18 AM |
I'm the luggage carousel laughing at all the people who run off the plane only to end up waiting forever for their luggage.
by Anonymous | reply 59 | March 8, 2019 2:22 AM |
Brilliant stories R55! I want to hear more.
by Anonymous | reply 60 | March 8, 2019 2:24 AM |
R57 OMG - and I was the publicist for the airport. God damn, a mistake like that never made it to print.
Where are my proof readers when I need them! DL is a hard and cruel place!
by Anonymous | reply 61 | March 8, 2019 2:24 AM |
I’m the elder passenger, thinking how wonderful flying was back in the 60’s and 70’s, compared to now, when every single amenity costs extra.
by Anonymous | reply 63 | March 8, 2019 2:28 AM |
I'm the overweight fraus from Des Moines who get on the moving walkway and stand right in the middle so no one can walk by us on either the right or left.
by Anonymous | reply 64 | March 8, 2019 2:37 AM |
Thanks R60, I could write volumes, much of it about the sociopaths I worked with and other eccentric characters found at small airports with a lot of general aviation traffic (flights other than commercial. Flight schools, cargo, etc).
I knew a woman who worked many years as a flight attendant. She said that airline people thought airport people were crazy. It's true. So many people with delusions of grandeur who couldn't cut it as pilots and dare devils with little personal planes zipping about and, coming into the office to gossip. It was a lot of fun.
Here's a few more:
I am the wife a man with a small plane parked in a rental hangar at the airport. I thought it would be fun to jog along the runway. Wrong! Arrested!
I'm the angry lesbian who had a few flying lessons then got into a bad fight with my girlfriend and stole her plane before flying for a few hours and crash landing in a cornfield. Luckily I wasn't hurt and the plane wasn't too badly damaged. Arrested!
I'm the nearby neighbor to the airport who calls to report that chem trails are poisoning me and to please call the tower to re-route landing patterns. I duly did and they laughed and asked about the guy's tinfoil hat.
by Anonymous | reply 65 | March 8, 2019 2:39 AM |
I'm the TSA fondling your underwear in the name of national security.
by Anonymous | reply 66 | March 8, 2019 2:43 AM |
I'm the lonely international Customs agents who 'randomly select' the Hawt passengers' luggage to frisk and rummage through upon their arrival in line.
by Anonymous | reply 67 | March 8, 2019 2:51 AM |
I'm Little José Gonzales, and I just flew in from Guatamala, hiding in the wheel well. Next I'll be in an old man's casket, heading for Cape Cod.
God, I love this country !
by Anonymous | reply 68 | March 8, 2019 3:05 AM |
I'm the gate agent trying to get each passenger to hold his or her phone at exactly the right angle for the machine to read the mobile boarding pass.
"No, lift it up just a little bit ... hold it flat ... no, FLAT ... "
by Anonymous | reply 69 | March 8, 2019 3:17 AM |
That fat old TSA agent man made me take my sandals off, and tried to lick my feet.
by Anonymous | reply 70 | March 8, 2019 3:21 AM |
Keep 'em coming R55/ 65. Jogging along the runway made me LOL
by Anonymous | reply 71 | March 8, 2019 6:24 AM |
I'm Brie Larson, basically being raped at every airport because I'm so talented and beautiful.
by Anonymous | reply 72 | March 8, 2019 6:26 AM |
I'm the unsavory piece of shit barely disguised as food that's going to be dutifully served to the unsuspecting passengers, not before I'm reheated within an inch of my life of course.
by Anonymous | reply 73 | March 8, 2019 6:53 AM |
I'm Air Traffic Control at every commercial East Coast airport north of D.C. and close to the ocean. I will wantonly shut down air traffic along the entire eastern seaboard if the wind is blowing more than 10mph, and I'm the sole reason why NYC's three airports have the worst on-time departure rates of any U.S. airport. I'm the reason the acronym "ATC" triggers every frequent flier in the Tri-State area.
by Anonymous | reply 74 | March 8, 2019 7:32 AM |
I'm the taxi queue. I have cabbies waiting in my line for HOURS to pick up arriving passengers, only to see them drive off with one of those two new whores on the scene: Uber and Lyft. I don't understand why THEY don't have to wait in line with all the other taxis! I am ANGRY that they get such SPECIAL treatment, only because taxi service is terrible!
by Anonymous | reply 75 | March 8, 2019 7:36 AM |
I'm the frauen manning each airline lounge. I love nothing more than informing entitled fucks traveling in first that no, they DON'T get to go inside unless they're already a paying member!
by Anonymous | reply 76 | March 8, 2019 7:39 AM |
I'm the free wi-fi, laughing at all the idiots who log on without realizing that the NSA uses me to open up back doors to every laptop and iPhone in America!
by Anonymous | reply 77 | March 8, 2019 7:41 AM |
I'm Vegetable Lasagna.
by Anonymous | reply 78 | March 8, 2019 8:14 AM |
I'm the crown jewel of NYC ...................... LaGuardia
by Anonymous | reply 79 | March 8, 2019 9:37 AM |
I am the guy at the bar who is half in the bag already, even though it’s 8 AM.
by Anonymous | reply 80 | March 8, 2019 1:38 PM |
I'm the annoying business woman sitting at the gate while talking loudly on her phone and barking orders at her underlings. I am oh, so impressed with myself and want to make sure everyone around me thinks I'm impressive, too.
by Anonymous | reply 81 | March 8, 2019 1:43 PM |
I'm the Premiere Global Services 1K customer who queues up at boarding lane #1 a full 30 minutes before boarding is announced because I absolutely, positively must be the first person on the plane. Fuck all the rest of you peons!
by Anonymous | reply 82 | March 8, 2019 1:47 PM |
I’m an elderly private pilot in a small plane. I hope I land on the correct runway and not a taxiway.
by Anonymous | reply 83 | March 8, 2019 2:10 PM |
I'm the Millennial who takes up all the charging stations and outlets for all my devices even though everything is at 100%. You expect me to use one power port for my laptop and then plug my other devices into my Mac? Get real, dude.
I'm mean, really, if I unplug and let you charge your completely dead phone, even for 5 minutes, my battery may drop to 95% and that would really stress me out.
by Anonymous | reply 84 | March 8, 2019 2:41 PM |
I'm the self-serve tablet where you now order your food and drinks. I've now erased the last vestige of pleasant human contact you'll have at an airport.
by Anonymous | reply 85 | March 8, 2019 2:46 PM |
I'm a Cat Cora or Guy Fieri glorified overpriced mediocre burger and sandwich shack that just opened at the main terminal. I'm a part of the airport's attempt to offer "fine dining" options.
by Anonymous | reply 86 | March 8, 2019 2:57 PM |
I'm the passenger who is in boarding class E. Even though they have only called classes A and B, other E's and I are blocking the tunnel to the plane.
by Anonymous | reply 87 | March 8, 2019 3:12 PM |
I'm the $14 tap beer at the generically named airport food and drink establishment, something like "Boulevard Grille" or "American Tavern."
by Anonymous | reply 88 | March 8, 2019 3:28 PM |
I’m Wetzel, the cheese and jalapeño-encrusted pretzel, sought by hungry layoverstanians and dreaded by their fellow passengers, especially those seated near the toilets. FEAR ME.
by Anonymous | reply 89 | March 8, 2019 3:35 PM |
I'm the $10 donut.
by Anonymous | reply 90 | March 8, 2019 3:43 PM |
I'm the perpetually long line at the Dunkin Donuts in Logan.
by Anonymous | reply 91 | March 8, 2019 3:45 PM |
I'm the 2019 incarnation of CBGB, as a restaurant in Newark's Terminal C. My waitstaff keeps the punk spirit alive by radiating anger toward my deplorable guests.
by Anonymous | reply 92 | March 8, 2019 3:50 PM |
I am the wealthy blonde woman that demands a lot of attention b/c I'm some rich corporate guy's wife.
I am flying from my summer home in New York to LA or vice-versa . I'm dressed in Prada and Chanel. My bags are all Coach. I need you all to recognize my status by my posture, expensive things , and the pointed, condescending tone I take when I address everyone. I pray none of you realize the only thing cheap about me is my hair color.
My dog that I am bringing on the flight in a Louis Vuitton carrier IS MY LIFE!!!! I didn't know about some silly rule, so we need to make arrangements to protect my baby. I don't care if all of you have to wait 40 minutes to rebook your flights that leave in 1 hour, my Mitzy IS !!! my baby . You would all do the same for your babies and you know it.
by Anonymous | reply 93 | March 8, 2019 4:02 PM |
I am the Delta terminal at LAX. Hope you had all your shots!
by Anonymous | reply 94 | March 8, 2019 4:06 PM |
lol r94 ...
by Anonymous | reply 95 | March 8, 2019 5:44 PM |
In the third bathroom stall, I'm the lonely crumpled up pile of cum crusted toilet paper with an insulin syringe stabbed through it.
by Anonymous | reply 96 | March 8, 2019 6:16 PM |
I'm Maureen Stapleton, giving the performance of a lifetime, and I lose the Oscar to the little old lady who complained about salad dressing that gave her gas.
by Anonymous | reply 98 | March 8, 2019 6:49 PM |
I'm the view of Manhattan you see from JFK which must be on some alternate universe in "Home Alone II".
by Anonymous | reply 99 | March 8, 2019 6:53 PM |
I'm the bookstore where people just come into to peruse and look smart but never buy anything.
by Anonymous | reply 100 | March 8, 2019 6:56 PM |
I'm a passenger who needs a wheelchair in the airport. I can walk and stand, but not for long. I'll be wheeled to the wrong gate and left there for hours upon hours, despite my anxious calls and tweets for assistance. Employees will come by, I'll flag them down for help, which they'll promise to send, but they never do.
by Anonymous | reply 101 | March 8, 2019 7:17 PM |
[quote]I am a social media influencer trying to find the best pose to go with my airport hashtags. I am also a humble brag post.
I forgot to sign my name. I'm Tommi DiDario, husband of Internationally Famous ABC News Star Gio Benitez!
by Anonymous | reply 102 | March 8, 2019 7:19 PM |
I'm the 45 year old Latina woman traveling with my teenage daughter. I am wearing a skimpy one piece bathing suit under my skinny jeans with stilettos for a 10 pm flight. Everyone thinks my daughter and I are sisters!
by Anonymous | reply 103 | March 8, 2019 7:50 PM |
I'm the unsuspecting passenger changing planes and needing to get from gate A46 to gate C34. It can't be that long of a walk, right? That why then don't have moving sidewalks.
by Anonymous | reply 104 | March 8, 2019 7:54 PM |
I'm the last stall at the end, in the men's room. I am clogged and overflowing with human excrement and effluvium. I will not be cleaned for about 48 hours.
by Anonymous | reply 105 | March 8, 2019 7:54 PM |
I’m the banks of wheelchairs at JFK waiting for the passengers on the flight to Miami, who will all miraculously regain their ability to walk as they stampede for the exit on landing at the other end.
by Anonymous | reply 106 | March 8, 2019 7:58 PM |
I'm Auntie Anne's, and I only get customers when every other concessionaire has lines around the terminal.
How I stay in business is a mystery.
by Anonymous | reply 107 | March 8, 2019 11:49 PM |
I am the patterned carpet that will provide hours of visual entertainment as you gaze at the floor during an especially long layover.
by Anonymous | reply 108 | March 9, 2019 2:55 AM |
I'm the guy peeking at your dick in the men's room...and you're peeking at mine. Thank Jesus there are no urinal dividers. I hate those boner-killing motherfuckers.
by Anonymous | reply 110 | March 9, 2019 4:29 AM |
I’m the airport WiFi that blocks “adult content.” This means you, DL.
by Anonymous | reply 111 | March 9, 2019 5:45 AM |
I’m the expensive long term parking space that makes you wish you took public transportation.
by Anonymous | reply 112 | March 9, 2019 10:28 AM |
I'm the TSA agent who sits right by the doors to baggage claim making sure no one reenters.
I never look happy.
by Anonymous | reply 113 | March 9, 2019 1:45 PM |
I'm the clickety clackety click click clack sound the gate agent makes as she types away with lightning speed on her keyboard behind the counter.
by Anonymous | reply 114 | March 9, 2019 2:18 PM |
I'm the millennials traveling in yoga pants.
by Anonymous | reply 115 | March 9, 2019 2:55 PM |
I'm a frau in stretch pants, smiling beatifically while 5-year old Kaydn shoves his way to the front of the luggage carousel. He can't possibly lift the bag, but it's totes adorbs how he wants to help Mommy. I'm sure that everyone else thinks the same, even when he puts his grubby paws on every bag that comes around and gets in the way of other passengers trying to retrieve their bags. EVERYTHING is about US!!
by Anonymous | reply 116 | March 9, 2019 3:10 PM |
I'm the nasty bathroom floor I have to set my bag on while I use the urinal. My bacteria and viruses will stay on the bag as it is placed on seats, floors, overhead compartments, etc.
Bathroom remodels are completed every year, but no one designs a hygenic spot for the bags. My contagion continues unabated.
by Anonymous | reply 117 | March 9, 2019 3:18 PM |
I'm the Delta representative paging passenger Zhaoxi Liu, and totally butchering poor Zhaoxi's name.
by Anonymous | reply 118 | March 9, 2019 5:48 PM |
I'm the duty-free shops!
by Anonymous | reply 119 | March 9, 2019 5:50 PM |
I’m the family/handicap bathroom. The one with one toilet, a sink, a bench. I’m used by the guy that wants privacy so he can scope on guys at the airpoint on Grindr.
by Anonymous | reply 120 | March 9, 2019 6:19 PM |
I'm the airport's exhibits coordinator. This month we'll be featuring crochet covers for toilet paper made by our creative local population. We want to educate the public about the delightful people who live in our region.
by Anonymous | reply 121 | March 9, 2019 6:36 PM |
I am the person who will come and stand directly in front of someone who has been patiently waiting at the luggage carousel, behind the yellow line.
I am invariably a mainland Chinese tourist.
by Anonymous | reply 122 | March 9, 2019 8:50 PM |
Are you Zhaoxi Liu of r118, r122?
by Anonymous | reply 123 | March 9, 2019 8:57 PM |
I'm the infrequent flyer in the Southwest boarding queue who has no idea how sequential numbers work.
by Anonymous | reply 124 | March 9, 2019 8:59 PM |
I bought one of those front seats on a Spirit flight from Cleveland to Las Vegas for an extra $70. Out of my way; I’m a big fucking deal.
by Anonymous | reply 125 | March 9, 2019 9:01 PM |
I'm the 300 lb passenger waiting to get on the plane. Everyone is eyeing me and praying that they won't get stuck sitting next to me.
I am about a dozen of the more entitled passengers on the same flight who are strategizing about what tactic they'll use to get their seat changed if fattie winds up next to them
I'm the $5 bottles of SmartWater in the Hudson gift shop
I'm the automated ordering tablets and self check-out screens at United Terminal C in EWR that 90% of the passengers can't ever figure out how to use.
I'm a brown-skinned passenger from somewhere in the developing world. The gate agent and five helpful multilingual passengers have spent the past 15 minutes trying to figure out what language I am speaking. Right now they are showing me their passports in the hopes that I'll produce mine.
I'm the people in Boarding Group 1 that began lining up an hour before the flight actually boards
I'm Boarding Group 1. Half the people on the plane are in me.
by Anonymous | reply 126 | March 9, 2019 9:03 PM |
I'm the frau-beaten husbro drinking as much beer as I can find before takeoff. She insisted we take Braydn and Maydsn to Disney World.
Some of them skinny Asian flight attendants here in the terminal are hottttt...
On board, I'm hoping I see some hot fake boobs big enough to be flotation devices.
by Anonymous | reply 127 | March 9, 2019 9:05 PM |
I'm the person who doesn't realize that my goddamn name should be on my luggage, so I stand at the check-in desk filling out a flimsy string tag with a ballpoint pen before the agent will let me check my bag.
by Anonymous | reply 128 | March 9, 2019 9:08 PM |
I'm the group of lobster red Brits at MIA waiting to board their return flight.
by Anonymous | reply 129 | March 9, 2019 9:12 PM |
I’m the 21 year old girl in pajama pants carrying my huge pillow - I’m not sure if it’s for sleeping or is a substitute teddy bear/emotional support that draws attention to my fragile state.
by Anonymous | reply 130 | March 9, 2019 9:17 PM |
Even though it is 10AM, we (the lobster red Brits at R129) are on our fifth pint of beer.
by Anonymous | reply 131 | March 9, 2019 9:18 PM |
We are the senior citizens whose kids insisted they get TSA Pre. We are completely baffled by the whole system and keep taking off our shoes and coats and belts and stare blankly at the TSA agents who tell us to put them back on.
by Anonymous | reply 132 | March 9, 2019 9:20 PM |
I am, R123. I can hear the announcement about me but my focus is on dragging my massive faux LV bag across your unsuspecting toes.
by Anonymous | reply 133 | March 9, 2019 9:21 PM |
We are the elderly couple from R132
Having made it to our gate, we are now having a headphone-free Facetime conversation with Brayden and Jayden to tell them that Gram and Poppy are at the airport and will see them "when the big hand is on the three and the little hand is on the one!"
by Anonymous | reply 134 | March 9, 2019 9:27 PM |
I'm a broken jetway. Because I'm being repaired, I don't have to suffer with fat people stomping on me.
I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time.
by Anonymous | reply 135 | March 9, 2019 9:34 PM |
We're the parents of infant Madysen and toddler Colten. We make a huge production of everything. We will do everything in our power to let everyone on the plane know that we are PARENTS!!!! and that traveling with kiddos is hard. In case anyone missed the fact that we have children, one of us will walk Colten up and down the aisles several times.
by Anonymous | reply 136 | March 9, 2019 10:05 PM |
I'm a nicely dressed passenger in first class.
I'm also black.
The minute I take my first class seat - the one I paid for with my own miles and own money - every third passenger who walks past me will helpfully offer to guide me to coach, where my seat must actually be, because....well, you know.
I have to practice my Vaseline smile and find one hundred ways to not scream FUCK YOU, YOU RACIST, NOSY PIECES OF SHIT! at the top of my lungs.
by Anonymous | reply 137 | March 9, 2019 10:10 PM |
I fly several times a month and have never seen that happen R137
Though, in your defense, I have seen the person sitting next to the black passenger in first class give them the side eye, reconfirm that the open seat is indeed "2C" (a none too subtle way of checking to see that the aforementioned POC is indeed in the right seat) and then take their valuables (laptop, tablet, etc.) look at the POC and place them in the seat pocket rather than in the overhead.
by Anonymous | reply 138 | March 9, 2019 10:20 PM |
R138 I'm as white as Casper the friendly ghost's ass, but I have friends that's happened to and I've also read about it, too. Luvvie Ayaji the author has had it happened to her quite a few times.
Saw it myself on a flight. Three people whispered it to the flight attendant. And those old fuckers were all in coach!
by Anonymous | reply 140 | March 9, 2019 10:32 PM |
I'm a group of Irish gals waiting to board a Ryanair flight to Malaga at 10am at the Dublin airport, and we're already quite hammered when the flight is called, leaving behind us 20 or so emty or half empty bottles of beer at the airport pub. One of us will return a moment later to get a half empty bottle left behind and put it in her handbag.
by Anonymous | reply 141 | March 9, 2019 11:03 PM |
For R117, I’m the suitcase-sized wall alcove shelf in each bathroom stall at John Glenn International Airport.
by Anonymous | reply 142 | March 9, 2019 11:50 PM |
This thread has suddenly gotten very Columbus-centric.
by Anonymous | reply 144 | March 10, 2019 12:03 AM |
by Anonymous | reply 145 | March 10, 2019 12:06 AM |
R145—Is that the support animal's support animal?
by Anonymous | reply 146 | March 10, 2019 1:08 AM |
I am the young mother, loathe to spread out my baby in those tiny germ-infested filthy toilets, who changed his diaper on the seat next to me (hubby obligingly vacated for me).
I regret exposing the surrounding passengers to the ungodly stank but who among us wasn't once a baby?
At least he didn't projectile vomit on anyone. I have a trick where I squeeze his belly and he spews forth. I only use it on really rude people. Kick my seat and I'll hold up baby to say hello then give him a squeeze.
by Anonymous | reply 147 | March 10, 2019 1:15 AM |
I’m the TSA agent who, in response to the traveler who accidentally left a water bottle in their bag (horrors!) and is now all the way through security, uses this opportunity to lecture and berate new passengers who are putting their bags on the x-ray machine conveyer belt and looking quite puzzled.
by Anonymous | reply 148 | March 10, 2019 3:58 AM |
I'm CNN. I'm on the TV monitors in every terminal.
by Anonymous | reply 149 | March 10, 2019 6:21 PM |
I'm HGTV
I'm replacing CNN on many TV monitors because the news in general has become so distressing and controversial.
The Property Brothers put everyone at ease.
by Anonymous | reply 150 | March 10, 2019 6:25 PM |
I'm the Delta representative.
I'm still paging passenger Zhaoxi Liu.
by Anonymous | reply 151 | March 10, 2019 6:32 PM |
I'm the experienced and, frankly, entitled passenger who waits in the airline club lounge until the self-loading freight have processed themselves into their various tiny seats in the center and rear of the aircraft. If necessary (for vacations, mostly), my three well-worn, full-sized, non-wheeled, hard-sided Hartmann bags will have been lifted from the car by the skycap at curbside, tagged for special handling, wrapped in clear plastic after TSA inspection, and deposited in the hold before I board, but when I'm working, all I usually take is a rollaboard and a carry bag full of reading.
A airline staffer from the lounge will walk me to the gate two or three minutes before the cabin door is closed. The lead FA at the door will not even look at my ticket before smiling at me and indicating that I should turn to my left to be seated. I know where my seat is - there are only twelve or sixteen of them. I will decline any beverage stronger than sparkling water and probably the meal, as well, unless it's international service in which case I'll have a single glass of champagne and pick at the meal offerings. If it's an overnight flight, I'll recline completely wearing my soothing gel-filled eyeshades and my Bose headphones tuned to white noise. When I arrive at my destination, I will be met by an airline rep and, if necessary, a porter who will assist me with my luggage, the customs and immigration formalities if there are any, and then chat me up as they walk me to my ground transportation curbside, allowing me to exit the airport as I entered: blissfully unaware of the rabble who were sitting behind me and who are now fighting each other for their bags on the carousel.
by Anonymous | reply 152 | March 10, 2019 6:58 PM |
I'm Rachael Ray's costar/fashion expert Tommi DiDario getting on the plane, wearing a tank top and ill-fitting Bermuda shorts. Unfortunately, my whiskey and semi-vegan diet hasn't acclimated itself to my body yet, and the contents of my stomach and intestines are duking it out amongst themselves, which will result in a series of noxious fart clouds that will envelop all the passengers within six rows of me. But I don't care. I'm Mr. Tommi DiDario—Mrs. Gio Benitez to you commoners.
by Anonymous | reply 153 | March 10, 2019 7:27 PM |
"Hartmann bags will have been lifted from the car by the skycap at curbside, tagged for special handling, wrapped in clear plastic after TSA inspection, and deposited in the hold before I board"
How do you get this treatment?
by Anonymous | reply 154 | March 11, 2019 1:28 AM |
R154 You get it anywhere other than with US airlines.
by Anonymous | reply 155 | March 11, 2019 1:45 AM |
I'm the thickly accented person who does 98 percent of the loudspeaker announcements.
No one from any country or any language can understand a fucking word I say.
by Anonymous | reply 156 | March 11, 2019 1:48 AM |
I'm the annoying bitch from the Hawaiian airlines who keeps saying "Mahalo" at the end of all my loudspeaker announcements.
by Anonymous | reply 157 | March 11, 2019 1:48 AM |
Zhaoxi Liu where are you??
by Anonymous | reply 158 | March 11, 2019 1:57 AM |
I'm the thick tension in the air as you pass through the security checkpoint.
by Anonymous | reply 159 | March 11, 2019 2:45 AM |
I'm the grey tubs at the TSA checkpoint. I get stepped on by wedge shoes and high tops by nearly every passenger and shoved along. I'm often disregarded by non frequent fliers who don't seem to know why I'm stacked all over the X-ray belts until asked by a miserable TSA agent that they must stuff their crap in me and keep the line moving. Belts, shoes, coats, laptops in their own bin...
by Anonymous | reply 160 | March 11, 2019 3:03 AM |
I'm the grey tubs' Precheck cousin, the little dog bowls for your keys and wallet.
by Anonymous | reply 161 | March 11, 2019 3:16 AM |
I'm the grounded Max 8 parked on the tarmac over by Cargo.
by Anonymous | reply 162 | March 11, 2019 3:19 AM |
I’m LaGuardias new pick-up spot. They have cleverly put me on the second or third floor of a parking garage with a one lane exit which requires hundreds of people to meet their car in a sprawling bunker of a space - and then wait as 5 rows of cars try to merge into the one lane off-ramp. You may spend more time in me trying to get out than on your flight.
by Anonymous | reply 163 | March 11, 2019 3:21 AM |
I'm the adorable TSA K-9s that bring a brief smile to the airport experience.
by Anonymous | reply 164 | March 11, 2019 3:27 AM |
I'm a 1-liter sized bottle of water. If you're in LAX, I cost $12.00. If you're in DFW, I cost $4.00.
by Anonymous | reply 165 | March 11, 2019 3:31 AM |
I am the absolute hell that is the San Francisco international departures experience between 1900 and 2100 as all the flights to Asia and Australia depart, as opposed to the bliss of the San Francisco international early morning arrivals experience.
by Anonymous | reply 166 | March 11, 2019 4:15 AM |
R166 I'm your evil twin, the absolute hell of a.m. arrivals for anything with less than 300 seats due to fog "flow control"!
by Anonymous | reply 167 | March 11, 2019 4:18 AM |
I’m the US Customs and Border Protection team at LAX - I am stupid, aggressive and have never left California, so will never experience the frustration of getting off a plane after twelve hours in the air and dealing with me.
by Anonymous | reply 168 | March 11, 2019 4:19 AM |
I’m the international traveller, flying into La Guardia from Chicago after a lifetime of JFK, wondering if we’ve made an unscheduled stop in Bumfuck North Dakota.
by Anonymous | reply 169 | March 11, 2019 4:23 AM |
I’m the Canadian Customs and Immigration team at Vancouver international airport. I’m staffed with attractive, friendly and welcoming people standing at podiums, saying “Welcome to Canada!”.
The contrast with my American colleagues (see upthread) couldn’t be greater.
by Anonymous | reply 170 | March 11, 2019 4:33 AM |
Gday R167 - I’ll wave as my Qantas A380 from Sydney gets vectored in ahead of you!
by Anonymous | reply 171 | March 11, 2019 4:35 AM |
I am the ball of anxiety who drank three drinks at the airport bar before the flight and who ordered more alcohol on the plane because I didn't plan ahead and get a Xanax before the flight.
by Anonymous | reply 172 | March 11, 2019 5:01 AM |
I've been drinking all day and I'm not sitting next to a fucking three year old!
by Anonymous | reply 173 | March 11, 2019 6:38 AM |
[quote] I'm CNN. I'm on the TV monitors in every terminal.
because we at CNN pay the airports to lock in that viewing monopoly, thereby grossly padding our non-Nielsen viewer counts for our ad rates.
by Anonymous | reply 174 | March 11, 2019 7:31 AM |
R15, I hope you didn't!
by Anonymous | reply 175 | March 11, 2019 10:57 AM |
I Zhaoxi Liu. I here. I here. Prease stop carring my name.
by Anonymous | reply 176 | March 11, 2019 12:13 PM |
I'm the obviously gay US Air employee in the Pittsburgh airport who keeps repeating over and over on an almost daily basis for my own amusement, "Mr. Bobbie, Mr. Bobbie. Please meet your party in the lobby."
I flew US Air every six months back in the 1980's and 1990's, and on stop-overs in Pittsburgh, it was inevitable not to hear this obviously fake announcement. I envisioned them looking exactly like Jonathan Harris from "Lost in Space" or Louis Edmunds from "All My Children"/"Dark Shadows".
by Anonymous | reply 177 | March 11, 2019 12:35 PM |
I'm the people who take their shoes off on the plane and then put their feet on things.
by Anonymous | reply 178 | March 11, 2019 12:43 PM |
I'm one of two people left at the airport shop since we went self-serve. If I'm not wandering around doing fuck all, you might be happy I'm here because people are finding buying things here more complicated than self-checkout at the grocery store.
by Anonymous | reply 179 | March 11, 2019 12:57 PM |
R154
Elite status, a first class ticket, an airline club membership, and something called "Special Services."
All of which are essentially free, often including FC when it's on an upgrade (or totally free on an award ticket) after you've paid to fly 100,000 or more miles a year, year in and year out, on that airline. For me, for a while, that meant about eighteen transcontinental domestic flights a year along with all the short hops. It's the least they can do to keep your business.
by Anonymous | reply 180 | March 11, 2019 2:06 PM |
[quote]I’m the international traveller, flying into La Guardia from Chicago after a lifetime of JFK, wondering if we’ve made an unscheduled stop in Bumfuck North Dakota.
I'm the large trash can on the floor of the United concourse, put there when it rained two days ago, but still there, full of stale, rancid water that keeps dripping down. Please stop bumping into me with your fucking rolling luggage.
I'm right under the electronic sign that was originally built to display useful information, but has blared 'God Bless Our Troops' since George Bush invaded Iraq in 2003
by Anonymous | reply 181 | March 11, 2019 3:04 PM |
I'm the $6 bottle of purified water (not even spring water) at the Hudson News store.
by Anonymous | reply 182 | March 11, 2019 3:11 PM |
I'm the Indian guy who was promoted to PA announcer -- even other Indians can't understand my accent. The crappy PA system definitely doesn't help:
Goot aftoon, passengers. Wud board pasingale unt flite #$%$ on @##@@ adline at gut %
by Anonymous | reply 183 | March 11, 2019 3:12 PM |
I'm the person in the security line loudly complaining about how long the line is and how slowly it's moving. I arrived at the airport just 30 minutes prior to my flight's boarding time.
by Anonymous | reply 184 | March 11, 2019 3:12 PM |
I'm the quarter ounce bag of pretzel sticks that you received from the flight attendant.
by Anonymous | reply 185 | March 11, 2019 3:14 PM |
I'm the sticky trash left in the seat pocket in front of you by a previous passenger.
by Anonymous | reply 186 | March 11, 2019 3:15 PM |
I'm the elastic tag you receive when the boarding attendant announces that from this point forward, all carry-on luggage must be stowed away in the cargo hold. Because all the assholes who boarded before you carried on too much shit and took up all the overhead compartments. You should have paid an extra $25 to board in Groups 1 - 3. Somehow you ALWAYS get Group 6 or 7.
by Anonymous | reply 187 | March 11, 2019 3:17 PM |
I'm the 6'2" Southwest flight attendant forced to walk down the aisle with a box in front of me like an old-timey cigarette girl.
"Cheeze-its or pretzels, Cheese-its or pretzels?"
by Anonymous | reply 188 | March 11, 2019 3:19 PM |
I'm the line to board the aircraft because the fraus who've already boarded keep standing up and running back and forth from their seat to the overhead bins across the aisle to get stuff out of their luggage to occupy their kids (who are ALREADY antsy even though the plane hasn't even moved yet).
by Anonymous | reply 189 | March 11, 2019 3:20 PM |
I'm the burrito for $6.95 inside the airport. I can also be had for $1.95 across the street.
by Anonymous | reply 190 | March 11, 2019 3:33 PM |
[quote] I'm the quarter ounce bag of pretzel sticks that you received from the flight attendant.
Yup! Just enough to leave you dying of thirst, yet still starving.
by Anonymous | reply 191 | March 11, 2019 3:40 PM |
I'm the family of six who all have seats separately back here, so everyone in these two rows needs to move so we can sit together. Or we can just yell across at each other periodically over the course of the flight. Your choice.
by Anonymous | reply 192 | March 11, 2019 3:48 PM |
I'm the outdoor concourse to American Airlines in Palm Springs during 3 inch daylong deluge.
by Anonymous | reply 193 | March 11, 2019 3:53 PM |
I'm the excuses I have to make to family as to why I don't visit anymore, simply because I'm sick of the idiots who don't know how to behave on planes, and the generally lousy service.
by Anonymous | reply 194 | March 11, 2019 3:56 PM |
I'm the teenage boy from family at R192. DAD! DAD! GIVE THIS BAG BACK TO MOM!
by Anonymous | reply 195 | March 11, 2019 4:01 PM |
I'm the Happy Meals being passed back to little Liberty and Legacy from their big sisters 6 rows up.
by Anonymous | reply 196 | March 11, 2019 4:05 PM |
I’m the 'international terminal' at the Pittsburgh Airport. I’m soooooo lonely and empty. Come visit me; you’ll have an entire men's room to yourself. Lots of room to take a nap before that one lousy flight from Toronto gets here. Sigh...
by Anonymous | reply 197 | March 11, 2019 4:06 PM |
Sorry to be pedantic R197 , but Toronto- originating flights into the US are accepted as domestic due to pre-clearance of customs in Toronto. Be happy you are getting British to London and return of Condor to Frankfurt!
by Anonymous | reply 198 | March 11, 2019 4:16 PM |
@ShorealoneFilms
bangladeshi-officials-find-106-gold-bars-hidden-in-boeing-777-bathroom-on-flight-from-abu-dhabi
by Anonymous | reply 199 | March 11, 2019 4:21 PM |
I'm New York's airports. JFK, LaG, Newark. This is an extremely busy region. There are so many reasons we could have you here all day. So many.
by Anonymous | reply 200 | March 11, 2019 4:26 PM |
I’m the clueless travelers who stand in the aisle maneuvering their luggage and taking their time settling into their row and seat like it’s a hotel room - while the line behind them is at a complete standstill. I fail to understand I could just step into the aisle 6 inches and do all of my “prepping” there rather than blocking the aisle for 5 minutes while I make myself comfortable, pull out all of the things I might want during my trip and arrange my baggage. Or God forbid, I could have it all ready before I board so I can pop my bag into the overhead and slide right into my seat in matter of 5 seconds.
by Anonymous | reply 201 | March 11, 2019 4:48 PM |
I'm the guy who logs in on Grindr while I wait for my flight. Yes, I really am. I did this yesterday.
by Anonymous | reply 202 | March 11, 2019 4:57 PM |
I am LaGuardia, and I am a national embarrassment.
by Anonymous | reply 203 | March 11, 2019 5:14 PM |
I'm the announcement at the end of the flight to open overhead bins carefully, because "shift happens." I am met with a scattering of disapproving laughter.
by Anonymous | reply 204 | March 11, 2019 5:29 PM |
I’m the narcisstic douchebag who has to stand up before the seat belt sign goes off to open the overhead bins. When the flight attendant yells over the speaker at me, it takes me a few minutes to realize that she/he is talking to me because I’m in my own world of “me, me, me”.
by Anonymous | reply 205 | March 11, 2019 5:35 PM |
I’m the fat fuck who stole Legacy’s Happy Meal midway as it was being passed to him. Fuck that, you can have the toy ya little shit.
by Anonymous | reply 206 | March 11, 2019 7:39 PM |
I'm the person who arrives at the airport, stands in line to check a bag, goes through security, sits in the gate area, boards the plane, waits for everyone else to board the plane and then decides xe MUST use the bathroom before takeoff.
by Anonymous | reply 207 | March 11, 2019 8:59 PM |
I'm the unopened bag of Southwest pretzels sitting on the tray table. I'll drive the fat guy in the next seat crazy the whole flight.
by Anonymous | reply 208 | March 11, 2019 9:17 PM |
I'm the 20ish guy who has a 45-minute video call with my girlfriend without using my headphones because they're battery-operated and I'm saving them for the flight. And I'm using my outdoor voice the entire call and have the sound turned up because the connection is shitty. I'm completely oblivious to the fact that I'm irritating and/or amusing 100 other people in my immediate vicinity.
by Anonymous | reply 209 | March 11, 2019 10:15 PM |
I'm the sound of 150 phones being turned on at the same time when the plane stops rolling at the destination airport. It sounds like a casino. People were off the grid for two and a half hours and are inhaling their phones like oxygen.
by Anonymous | reply 210 | March 11, 2019 10:26 PM |
I'm Debbie Spagatino. Me and my ho squad just got back from a week at the Sandals all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. We landed in PHL where it's 10 degrees, but I'm wearing shorts, a halter top and flip-flops. We all had our hair braided and cornrowed and had more BBC than you can shake a dick at *giggle*. My boyfriend Joey will *never* find out about this, but he'll wonder why I get a far away look in my eyes whenever I hear reggae music.
by Anonymous | reply 211 | March 11, 2019 11:27 PM |
[quote]I'm the experienced and, frankly, entitled passenger who waits in the airline club lounge until the self-loading freight have processed themselves into their various tiny seats in the center and rear of the aircraft. If necessary (for vacations, mostly), my three well-worn, full-sized, non-wheeled, hard-sided Hartmann bags will have been lifted from the car by the skycap at curbside, tagged for special handling, wrapped in clear plastic after TSA inspection, and deposited in the hold before I board
I'm the even more experienced and, frankly, entitled passenger who snickers at the thought of anyone bothering to travel with the same '80s-era luggage my dad still owns, given that I've owned vastly more sensible (and much more stylish) Rimowa Original suitcases since long before they were "trendy." I shake my head in disdain when I find out it's another elite in FC, who is invariably old enough to make me wonder if we're going to have a front-of-plane "incontinence problem" en route. I lament the utter waste of plastic required to wrap geriatric suitcases tightly enough to prevent their well-worn locks from bursting. It's enough for me to know I *can* use Special Services; I don't need the fuss of an escort to the gate, though I'll certainly wait for the peons in steerage to born before I go on. (And always, ALWAYS sit in 1C: closest to the exit, and doesn't leave me within view of any FAs in jump seats during uncomfortable taxiing to the runway.)
Check luggage? Me? Please: if I'm traveling for an extended period, I have it shipped in advance and dropped off. (If I'm in a proper five-star hotel, I will of course ask the butler to unpack it prior to my arrival.) Even Special Services customers can end up at the whims of hellish local baggage-control sections that can occasionally take an hour or more to unload inbound suitcases off of a flight.
by Anonymous | reply 212 | March 12, 2019 12:10 AM |
If there was ever a need for "well smell you" R212 is it.
by Anonymous | reply 213 | March 12, 2019 12:20 AM |
R192--that's often no one's fault--in many of those cases, the family of six has been bumped from a different flight (e.g., original flight was cancelled due to weather) and the airlines rely on the kindness of strangers to allow them to sit next to each other.
The two times I've been in the middle of that, I moved. Must be terrifying to be three years old and on a plane and not able to sit next to your parents.
by Anonymous | reply 214 | March 12, 2019 12:22 AM |
PS R212 -- Rimowa is soooo 2015.
by Anonymous | reply 215 | March 12, 2019 12:22 AM |
I'm all of the "so above it all" snobs...........who are flying COMMERCIAL!
LMAO!
by Anonymous | reply 216 | March 12, 2019 12:30 AM |
If one must fly commercial, at least book the Private Suite
by Anonymous | reply 218 | March 12, 2019 12:34 AM |
R218 All that expense to book the Private Suite and yet the guy in the video is the kind of trash who removes their shoes and puts their feet up on the coffee table.
You can’t buy class.
by Anonymous | reply 219 | March 12, 2019 1:05 AM |
I’m the guy who laughs at others’ expensive luggage. It’s a place to put your damn clothes and move them from one place to another FFS.
by Anonymous | reply 220 | March 12, 2019 11:29 AM |
I'm a traveler of size.
My fellow passengers eye me as we sit in the gate and pray that I'm not their seatmate.
by Anonymous | reply 221 | March 20, 2019 9:31 AM |
R221 I'm a Southwest passenger. I am not a (total) fatty, but because Southwest does not require proof for a "traveler of size" they have to take my word for it. As such, I get to buy two seats, all to my glorious self, and to my grateful seatmate. When I return, I get the second seat refunded.
If you bitches start abusing this, and get Southwest to rescind this policy, I will hunt you cunts down.
by Anonymous | reply 222 | March 20, 2019 9:47 AM |
I'm the boarding call announcer with a mouth full of marbles.
by Anonymous | reply 223 | March 20, 2019 10:54 AM |
I'm the cheap ass offer of $200 to give up your seat on the deliberately overbooked flight.
by Anonymous | reply 224 | March 20, 2019 10:56 AM |
I am R152
No one likes me.
by Anonymous | reply 225 | March 20, 2019 11:03 AM |
I’m the button on this “full-figured” TSA lady’s shirt. I am in severe danger of being blown off and impaling myself in someone’s forehead.
by Anonymous | reply 226 | March 20, 2019 12:53 PM |
I'm the cluster B personality disordered individual who's about to make everybody on the plane absolutely miserable for the next 6 1/2 hours.
by Anonymous | reply 227 | March 20, 2019 1:57 PM |
I'm the widow from Von Ormy, TX, en route to the grandkids in Statesboro, GA. My son-in-law made my reservation on American to Dallas and Delta to Atlanta, without taking into consideration that I'm 80 goddamn years old and the American gate in Terminal A is as far from the Delta gate in Terminal E as you can get and still be in Texas. The autowalk is down for maintenance so I'm huffing and puffing with my giant rolling suitcase through the concourse, pretending not to notice the dirty looks from the experienced travelers upthread. They'll get old one day too.
We're the lines outside McD's and Starbucks as soon as they open for business at 0600, the slow-moving 20-something barista in one store and the 2 middleaged Filipino women in the other who move like a NASCAR pit crew. Guess who works at which establishment?
I'm the Sudanese driver of the golf cart bearing the 450-pound passenger who will soon be the subject of his very own DL thread. I zip right past the struggling granny from Von Ormy.
I'm the nondescript middleaged man on the Alaska flight from San Antonio to Seattle, the only one in the terminal without my face buried in a screen. That's partly because it's my job as an air marshal to observe, but I also enjoy people watching, a hobby that dates me, I suppose. I'm playing a game with myself, "Guess who's a Seattlite returning home and who's a visiting Texan". The pickle-faced girl with glasses and blue hair--Seattle. The big red-faced guy with the booming voice who gave up his seat to her--Texas. I work my way through the crowd with near 100% accuracy. Profiling--it works.
We're the chargers and outlets at Reagan International, and we are as few and far between as 24-hour liquor stores in rural Utah.
I'm the guy coming back from my annual hunting trip with my brothers who pops positive for Firearm Discharge Residue, instantly reducing the screening line to the speed of a techtonic plate.
We're the contractors working on the broken escalator, standing around the roped off open pit, bullshitting with our first cups of coffee of the day, as the the seething crowds flow up and down the stairs on either side of us.
I'm the soaring glass vaults, Chihuly installation and native sculpture throughout the expanded new SeaTac Airport, and the shabby old baggage claim downstairs, like mansions on the hill looking across the railroad tracks at a trailer park.
We're the military unit traveling "incognito" in civilian clothing, though with our haircuts and duffle bags, we might as well be in full uniform and march through the terminal in formation with someone calling cadence. We'll get dirty looks from some of the hippie types when we get to board right after the first class passengers, but as usual we'll be in the shittiest seats on the plane, albeit with more attentive service than first class, courtesy of the three gay flight attendants. Destination, Okinawa, a rock in the Pacific Ocean with nothing but Marines on it.
I'm the woman in head to toe Lululemon. As soon as I'm seated, I'll pull down the window shade without asking my seatmate if she's OK with that, recline my seat all the way back, slide off my flip flops and prop my feet up on the armrest of R178 in the window seat in front of me. I'm oblivious to the looks of loathing that surround me, because that's just how I roll. A week from now, I'll get a persistent staph infection, not from R178's armrest, but from R160's plastic X-Ray bin, which hasn't been cleaned since it left the factory.
I'm the gate agent, paging Passenger Ashley Smith, reminding her that her flight is now boarding.
I'm the newly retired Air Force Major, on my first non-military flight in 35 years. Jesus Fucking Christ, when did commercial travel go to shit? This is like a Greyhound bus with wings.
I'm the afternoon thunderstorm, rolling down the Plains. A lot of you are going to be spending the night in Denver.
by Anonymous | reply 228 | March 20, 2019 8:20 PM |
You are a talented writer, r228
by Anonymous | reply 229 | March 20, 2019 8:33 PM |
I'm R228. While I'm ambitious and well-meaning I don't understand why nobody reads my lengthy posts...
by Anonymous | reply 230 | March 20, 2019 9:01 PM |
Well it could be today’s attention...
Oooooh, a shiney!
by Anonymous | reply 231 | March 20, 2019 9:07 PM |
I'm an Eastern Indian couple in their fifties/sixties. We are driven on the golf cart by the Sudanese driver from R228's post. We will also be given priority boarding while in wheelchairs. The moment we land, we'll be running like a pair of gazelles, after we jump from our seats first to retrieve our heavy luggage from overhead compartments.
by Anonymous | reply 232 | March 20, 2019 9:11 PM |
R232, you’re why r106 sits around most of the day.
by Anonymous | reply 233 | March 20, 2019 9:14 PM |
I'm a light drizzle at SFO. I somehow inexplicably cause chaos throughout the airport, inducing three hours worth of departure delays and guaranteeing that your entire journey out will be utterly painful. It's the only airport in the world where I get to cause such a huge imposition on so many people.
by Anonymous | reply 234 | March 20, 2019 9:54 PM |
I'm the automated toilet seat cover changer device at O'Hare.
by Anonymous | reply 235 | March 20, 2019 10:05 PM |
[quote]I'm the automated toilet seat cover changer device at O'Hare.
Jesus, what the hell is THAT? I've been in lots of airport restrooms, but I don't think I've been to one at O'Hare. What does this thing do?
by Anonymous | reply 236 | March 21, 2019 1:26 AM |
I’m the quarter mile moving sidewalk that either is not turned on or doesn’t work
by Anonymous | reply 237 | March 21, 2019 1:32 AM |
We're the maintenance staff, reduced by 60% since 9-11. There's a work order for that moving sidewalk R237 is complaining about, but we're really shorthanded since Hal retired so we probably won't get to it for at least 2 weeks. We really need to replace the entire drive chain, but the the Supply Manager, who never turned a wrench in his life, keeps ordering cheap shit from China instead from the manufacturer, ensuring that R237 and his fellow passengers will be getting a good aerobic workout between Terminals A and B.
by Anonymous | reply 238 | March 21, 2019 1:50 AM |
I am the auxiliary terminal at the Toronto airport, for flights coming in from Ohio. I am so far away from the main terminal,l that I necessitate a shuttle bus that goes out on the highway. This requires yet another trip through security. I’m also the Air Canada gates in Toronto that have no access to food or drink, other than souvenir maple cookies and syrup. If you want to eat on your layover, you’ll need to go through security. Again.
by Anonymous | reply 240 | March 21, 2019 12:47 PM |
I'm the luggage delivery at Pearson Airport in Toronto and I'm so slow and inefficient that many people standing around the carousels 45 minutes after their flight landed wonder if the luggage is being transported from gates to carousels in oxcarts.
by Anonymous | reply 241 | March 21, 2019 1:06 PM |
I'm the plexiglass in Pearson that separates flights to the US from domestic flights within Canada.
Anything you want to buy is on the other side of me.
by Anonymous | reply 242 | March 21, 2019 2:37 PM |
I'm the Air Canada "terminal" in Logan. I'm basically a glorified Greyhound station, with the added horror that once you enter me, you cannot get out.
by Anonymous | reply 243 | March 21, 2019 2:42 PM |
I'm the mundane item in the gift shop priced 400% higher than in town. You will buy me because of captive market syndrome.
by Anonymous | reply 244 | March 21, 2019 4:45 PM |
THANK YOU for posting that, R239. I can honestly say I've never seen such a miracle device. I'd like to try one out, but I make it a point to never poop in airport restrooms, O'Hare or otherwise. But at least I can now intelligently discuss these clever toilet seat covers, should the subject arise in polite conversation.
by Anonymous | reply 245 | March 21, 2019 5:13 PM |
Bless your heart for trying, Toronto.
by Anonymous | reply 246 | March 21, 2019 5:20 PM |
I'm the grizzled old lesbian bartender at one of the many terminal watering holes who never cracks a smile and whose only response to you when you order a drink is "ID!"
by Anonymous | reply 247 | March 22, 2019 2:16 AM |
I'm Logan International, and despite being the major hub for New England, I close up shop and roll up the sidewalks at. 10 PM like it was Brownlee, Nebraska on a Monday night.
by Anonymous | reply 248 | March 22, 2019 2:23 AM |
I'm the free wifi at Logan. Sometimes I block DL; other times I do not.
by Anonymous | reply 249 | March 22, 2019 8:00 PM |
I’m the airport directory with a prominent “you are here” sticker.
How they know where I am at any given time beats the piss outta me.
by Anonymous | reply 250 | March 22, 2019 9:07 PM |
[quote]The two times I've been in the middle of that, I moved. Must be terrifying to be three years old and on a plane and not able to sit next to your parents.
Must be most terrifying to sit next to a three-year-old on a plane.
by Anonymous | reply 251 | March 23, 2019 2:13 AM |
[quote] I'm a Southwest passenger. I am not a (total) fatty, but because Southwest does not require proof for a "traveler of size" they have to take my word for it. As such, I get to buy two seats, all to my glorious self, and to my grateful seatmate. When I return, I get the second seat refunded.
I am the Southwest passenger scanning the boarding crowd for a Customer of Size -- one holding the magic white card that will go in the middle seat and keep anyone else from sitting there. You, Customer of Size, will be my best friend for the next few hours if we play this right.
If you are in the aisle seat, I'll ask for the window. Vice versa. Even if the entire plane is jam-packed, we will have an empty seat between us.
[quote]If you bitches start abusing this, and get Southwest to rescind this policy, I will hunt you cunts down.
I wish I was just big (and bold) enough to try this.
by Anonymous | reply 252 | March 23, 2019 2:18 AM |
I'm the "Pregnant Couple" who deliberately book single seats, with the incubator's seat closer to the front of the plane, one of which happens to be the seat immediately adjoining my aisle seat. Then the 'incubator's' partner (who is seated in the back-ass area of the plane) casually approaches me to 'politely' asks me to change seats so they are able to sit with their 'incubator.'
by Anonymous | reply 253 | March 23, 2019 2:31 AM |
[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]
by Anonymous | reply 254 | March 23, 2019 3:02 AM |
I'm the "NO" response to the request to change seats. And no, I don't give a shit if you just got married, or whatever else you want to whine about. You can survive 2 hours not seated next to each other.
by Anonymous | reply 255 | March 23, 2019 3:10 AM |
Checking in at the counter, silently praying: I think I have enough awards points to get me into First Class, away from the Steerage section -
by Anonymous | reply 256 | March 23, 2019 3:40 AM |
I love you, R255!
by Anonymous | reply 257 | March 23, 2019 2:11 PM |
I'm the TSA agents in cheap, ill-fitting polyester uniforms, bellowing orders at the travelers. I really couldn't care less about safety. What I love about this job is the CONTROL.
by Anonymous | reply 258 | August 19, 2019 1:19 AM |
I’m the guy sitting on the aisle who yells at the backpack wearers. Yeah, that’s right you. IDIOT. You’re walking down the aisle and hitting everyone on both sides of the aisle with your backpack. TAKE THE GODDAMN THING OFF AND PUT IT IN FRONT OF YOU.
by Anonymous | reply 259 | August 19, 2019 1:26 AM |
I am the clouds out the window. The earliest dreams of humans, from ancient Egyptians to peasant folk sailing the seas. From the dawn of humankind, tiny little humans looked at the sky and wondered what it was like for a bird to fly through me and my kind. The ingrates of a mechanical century forward pull shut the window, unimpressed. But the humans won't last long. The plants cry out to keep flying. They desire reclamation of the earth.
The fever of earth is rising to cast out the viral infection that is the human. The tears of the clouds shall go unnoticed but eventually won't be polluted anymore. The dinosaurs used to eye me, too, unimpressed as they chomped on carcasses of their fellow kind. I had hoped humans would be different. What next?
by Anonymous | reply 260 | August 19, 2019 1:38 AM |
I'm the asshole who puts his carry on luggage in the overhead bin above you when my seat is 30 seats behind.
by Anonymous | reply 261 | August 19, 2019 2:46 AM |